


No Regrets

by commanderlola



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Love, Romance, Sexual Content, shega
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-03-26 12:13:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 204,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3850573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commanderlola/pseuds/commanderlola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zoe Shepard hasn't had the easiest life & every time things start looking up another wrench is thrown into the plans, upending her world all over again. When James Vega steps into the picture it seems as if it all may start falling into place until Shepard receives an unexpected visit from a ghost of her past that threatens to tear their relationship apart before it can even begin. (Rated M for later chapters)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's Been An Honor

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! This is the first time I've ever posted anything on AO3, and the first time I've ever written anything for the Mass Effect fandom (which I am still relatively new to, so go easy on me!). I'm super nervous about putting this up, but these games (and the Shega ship) are very near and dear to my heart, so I hope you find that I do the characters justice. I've been writing this for a very long time, and am currently doing a drastic re-write as I post, so chapters will go up fairly quickly.
> 
> One note: I chose not to use archive warnings, because the mentions of violence are brief and not particularly gory, however, they are there! I'm unfamiliar with AO3, so if you feel like I need to add that particular archive warning, please let me know!! Also, in one of the first chapters there is one brief mention of rape (no actual rape happens, and it is a very short scene). Other things to mention that may be triggers: there are several scenes that include alcohol consumption, a few very brief drug mentions later on, and consensual sexual situations (much, much later on - I will warn ahead of time when this happens, but it will be a while.)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing it! And please, let me know what you think!

“You can’t do this, Shepard,” Liara’s azure eyes glistened with tears and worry, “Stay here with me, I can keep you safe until this all dies down.” 

“Liara, you know this is the right thing. Please, don’t try to talk me out of it. I just came to say goodbye,” the commander reached out for the woman’s slender hand, gripping it tightly, “I don’t know what they’ll do to me, so it may be a long time before I see you again.”

“I won’t let you go,” the doctor choked out a sob as she stepped closer to the other woman, “Please, Zoe.”

Liara had only called the commander by her first name a handful of times, and the desperation in that familiar voice yanked at her heart. Shepard dropped her gaze to the ground, shaking her head defeatedly. The stained metallic floor of the Shadow Broker base seemed to radiated cold all around them, exacerbated by the steely tone in which she spoke to her old friend.

“I’m sorry, Liara. This is the way it has to be,” Zoe dropped the asari’s hand and turned to leave, “I should go.”

“Zoe…” Liara was obviously trying hard to maintain her composure, but to no avail, “I don’t want to do this without you again.”

“I know, but you’ve come this far on your own, and you’ll be fine,” Shepard stopped in her tracks and gazed at the woman over her shoulder, “You’re one of my best friends, Liara. I won’t forget everything you’ve done for me. And if I ever get out of this mess, we’ll see each other again, I promise.”

With that, she continued on her way, quickening her pace to put as much distance between herself and her weeping friend as fast she could. When she stepped back into the Normandy, the faces that greeted her were grim and anxious. They’d been lucky to get out with few casualties, and since the destruction of the Batarian relay, several of the crew had already taken off to avoid the inevitable trouble once Shepard sent the word to dock at Alliance headquarters. She’d known, as soon as she’d made her final decision, that she was going to pay for what she’d done. So, she’d given them plenty of warning that her next order of business would be to turn herself in, even before Hackett had demanded it.

Kasumi and Jack were the first to abandon ship, and understandably so. It hadn’t been anything personal, and Shepard would have done the same in the girls’ position. Still, she missed them terribly already. She’d spent so many nights on the Normandy, shooting the shit with Jack and discussing literature with Kasumi that she’d grown incredibly close to both of them. Shepard had never been the kind of woman to have female friends, or friends in general, but those two were like no other females she’d ever met. They both had understood her in different ways, and to not have them there when she was about to make the hardest sacrifice of her career was weighing on her already fragile reserves.

Thane had been the next to go, and the tired, strained look on his face when he’d said goodbye still haunted her mind. He’d pushed himself too hard and it showed. Sympathy was not Shepard’s strong suit, but after she’d spent so much time with these individuals, seen them throw their lives on the line for her, she couldn’t help but feel tied to them. Miranda and Jacob had left together; however, last she’d heard they’d gone their separate ways shortly thereafter. One by one, the crew trickled out into the galaxy, until the only ones left were herself, Kelly, Joker, Donnelly, Daniels, Garrus, and a handful of the minor crew that were brave enough to face the music.

Having her last few friends around made her feel a touch less nervous about what she was about to do, but it didn’t forgive the fact that everything she’d worked so hard for was about to be stripped away from her. Liara’s suggestion to stay with her, hidden away at the Shadow Broker base, had been more tempting than she’d let on, but Shepard was a woman of honor. She knew she owed it to Anderson and Hackett, if no one else, to give herself over to the consequence. Surely, they would see reason, and in turn, force the Council to do the same. After all, she was a Spectre, and her actions had been necessary, no matter who she’d previously worked with or what ripple effect her last decision had caused.

The thought of knowing she’d been working willingly with Cerberus these past few months made bile rise in her throat. She’d been so focused on the responsibility of saving the galaxy that she’d never stopped to consider who she’d been fighting along side. When she finally crossed into her cabin later that night, she felt a queazy wave of regret crest through her body. Akuze had been their doing. She’d known it, but she hadn’t let it sink in until that very moment. The risk of letting that fact edge to the forefront of her mind was too great. If she’d dwelled on it for long enough, she would have walked away from Cerberus a long time ago, and the world would have lost more people than it already had.

Shepard owed it to herself, as much as to the Admirals, to relinquish herself. She wanted to be punished for her ties to the rebel organization. Hell, after working with them, as far as she was concerned she may as well have released those thresher maws onto Akuze of her own accord. Another reason, on the already long list, to blame herself for the things that had happened there. She lay facedown on the bed, wallowing in her own self-pity, when the door buzzed loudly to let her know she had a visitor. With a heavy sigh, she rolled off the downy comforter and crossed to answer.

Garrus strode into the room, his usual overly confident self, “So, how did it go with Liara?”

“She was upset,” the commander followed him down the stairs to the couches, noticing the two bottles of alcohol he was carrying.

“Well, don’t tell me you didn’t see that coming,” there was laughter in his voice, but his words were strained, as everyone’s had been lately.

“Yeah, but I didn’t expect it to hit me like it did,” she sighed and sank down into the cushiony leather sofa, dropping her head backwards, “This is too much, Garrus. We saved the galaxy, but for what? To be branded traitors and murderers? Because we killed some batarians, when we didn’t even have a choice?”

“Not to be cynical, Shepard, but we killed several _thousand_ batarians,” the turian passed her one of the containers, not even bothering to collect the two of them any glasses, and broke his bottle open to take a long swig, “You had to know you weren’t going to get off easily, no matter what decision you made there.”

“They have to see that. I was fucked either way I went. If I’d refused to destroy the relay, they’d have called me the same things, or maybe worse, once the Reapers came through,” she followed Garrus’ lead with her own bottle, dismal at the knowledge that she wouldn’t get another chance to drink and talk with him like this again any time soon.

“You, of all people, should know by now that they don’t understand. They don’t have to make decisions like you do, and they never will, so they’ll never get it,” his mandibles twitched in agitation, but a second later his features softened, “Look, Shepard, I just want you to know that I think you’re doing the right thing.”

Her brows shot up in shock at his admission, “I can’t lie, I’m surprised to hear you say that, Vakarian.”

“I know, it surprises the hell out of me too, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from you, it’s that you can’t let your personal hang ups get in the way of your moral obligations, and your duty to the galaxy,” he took another long gulp before continuing, “If we’d been forced into this life, it would be one thing, but we chose this and it’s who we are — you more than anyone else I’ve ever met. I don’t know why you decided to become a soldier, but the galaxy owes you more than one lifetime. I just wish they’d grow the hell up and realize it.”

“You always know what to say, Garrus,” she smirked at him, swallowing the lump in her throat with a long swig of the strong, delicious whiskey, “I’m glad you decided to forego the glasses.”

“It’s a bottom of the bottle kind of night,” he chuckled, and she could tell he was already starting to feel the buzz as much as she was, “I don’t know what they’ll have in mind for us when we get there, but I’m with you. So is Joker, and everyone else that stuck around. Hell, everyone that left is with you, but I think you already know that.”

“Yeah, they had their reasons for leaving,” she pointed the neck of the bottle at him purposefully, “Honestly, I wish you and Joker would get your asses out of here too. I’m the one that’s supposed to go down with the ship. I don’t want any of you getting in trouble just for standing up for me.”

“I’ve been here with you since all this began, I’m not about to back out now,” he eyed her with a sly expression, “Besides, if I leave, I might miss the look on your face when they slap you in cuffs. Everything is all good and peaceful now, but something tells me you won’t be so docile when they take you in.”

“I know what I’m getting myself into. Besides, Anderson and Hackett are on my side. They believe me about the Reapers, and they’ve already promised to do all they can to get me some kind of pardon,” she glanced down at her container, already close to halfway empty, “Then again, you may be right, at the rate I’m going. I’ll probably be a lot less understanding with a raging hangover.”

The turian gave a hearty laugh and raised his drink to her, “To you, Commander, and all the insane bullshit you’ve put us through. I wouldn’t have wanted to take this ride with anyone else.”

“To you, Garrus, and all the insufferable snark you’ve put _me_ through,” she shot him a playful wink, clinking her bottle to his, “I wouldn’t have wanted my guns calibrated by anyone else.”

“Is that innuendo, Commander?” his eyes narrowed mischievously, “I never knew you felt that way.”

“In your dreams, Vakarian,” she snorted a chuckle and threw her feet up on the coffee table, the alcohol swimming through her brain, making everything slightly hazy around her.

“My wildest, it’s true,” she couldn’t tell if he was being sincere, though she highly doubted it, “But who among us isn’t undeniably enamored by the great Commander Shepard?”

“Shit, I’d rethink that if I were… anyone,” her words were starting to slur against her will, “Anyone who gets that close to me may as well have a sign around their neck that says ‘Dead Man Walking’.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Shep,” his face flashed from amused to empathetic in a split second, “Alenko wasn’t your fault. There wasn’t anything you could have done.”

“One of them would have died, regardless. But I chose _Ashley?_ She didn’t particularly like me before, and now she thinks I’m the lowest scum on Earth,” Shepard let out a frustrated growl, “Kaidan…”

“As I recall, _he_ wasn’t always _your_ favorite person, either,” Garrus eyed her knowingly, “As a matter of fact, I seem to remember you telling me that kissing him was one of the biggest mistakes you’d ever made.”

Her eyes shot wide, and her face twisted into anger, “That’s not fair! I only said that because I was afraid I was leading him on. And that was before… he died for me… for all of us.”

“You can’t make yourself feel something for someone just because they sacrificed themselves for you,” he crossed one leg over the opposite knee and leaned back, stretching his thin arm along the back of the couch, “You were lonely, it’s understandable. Hell, Shepard, if you gave your heart to everyone that was willing to take a bullet for you, you’d have a damn harem at your beck and call.”

That thought made her laugh out loud, but something about it caused a sadness to sweep through her at the same time. Not only had she always had a hard time making friends, but she’d also never given her heart to anyone willingly, save for one particular instance. She washed the thought away quickly, with another quick gulp of liquor. Her bottle was reaching it’s end, as was her comrade’s, and they were both now visibly swaying with intoxication. There wasn’t a thing in all the universe that could prepare her for tomorrow, but the whiskey was at least helping her not to think on it too lengthily.

“Nothing about being my friend has ever been easy, has it?” she wasn’t purposefully trying to bring down the mood, but her drunken state was turning to depression no matter how hard she fought against it.

“If being your friend had been easy, we wouldn’t get along so well,” he nudged her shoulder gently with the back of his hand, “And you’re a good friend, Shepard, and a damn good leader. They can strip you of every title they’ve ever given you, but don’t let them beat that out of you.”

She nodded solemnly, her grey eyes clouded with contrition, “I won’t.”

“Good girl,” he clapped her shoulder and shifted forward in his seat to stand, “Now, if I can find my legs, I’m going to get out of here and go pass out somewhere. Try not to dwell on things, okay? It will all work itself out in the end.”

Zoe scoffed, rolling her eyes with a leery smirk, “You have a lot more faith in the Council than I do.”

“No, I have faith in you. You’ve defeated enemies that were a lot more foreboding than a few stuffed shirts with superiority complexes. You’ll pull through this, and I’ll have your back the whole way,” he gave her a reassuring nod and stood as steadily as he could manage.

“Thanks, Garrus. I owe you a lot,” she tipped her bottle to him respectfully.

“You’re damn right you do,” the turian started towards the door, “Goodnight, Shepard. And if I don’t get to say it later, good luck tomorrow.”

“Goodnight,” it was the only word she could manage through the inebriated fog that was cresting over her.

When the door finally slid closed behind him, she could feel liquor laced tears well on the edges of her eyelids. She glanced around the room, taking in the whole of it, forcing through the haze of alcohol to tattoo the place into her memory. She could only wish that she would see it again one day, but she wasn’t going to get her hopes up over a long shot. Shepard could very clearly remember the day that Anderson had handed the Normandy over to her. Even with Saren’s treachery looming on the horizon, it had been the happiest day of her life. When she’d seen it again after she’d woken up after being dead, it’d been like stepping into a dream. The ship had been better, faster, stronger, and somehow even more beautiful than it had been before. She couldn’t thank Cerberus for much, not even necessarily for bringing her back to life, but she could at least appreciate the fact that they’d given her back the only home she’d ever known.

 

* * *

 Shepard woke up the next morning, curled into a ball on the plush sofa, the chill of the leather seeping into her skin — a welcome sensation as she was greeted with the barest hint of a hangover looming at the edge of her consciousness. It was mornings like this that she thanked whatever deity that might be listening that she was cursed with biotic powers in youth. It could have been worse, much worse, otherwise. She wondered, as she pushed herself groggily off the slick cushions, how Garrus was handling himself at present. His tolerance wasn’t nearly as high as hers, and she couldn’t help but feel sorry for the turian. No doubt, he was nursing a wicked headache, wherever he’d disappeared off to.

She forced herself through a short shower, afterwards struggling through a small bout of nausea to shove herself into her dress blues. She tugged a brush, haphazardly, through her long black hair, and each time she yanked the bristles against an unruly knot, stabbing pains would shoot blindingly across her forehead and temples. Not exactly the best state to be in when she was about to turn herself over to the Alliance, but she wouldn’t have given up that last night with her best friend, and the talk they’d had, for anything in the galaxy.

As she was busying herself with her makeup, Joker’s voice chimed in over the intercom, “You awake, Commander?”

“Yeah, I think so,” she groaned, struggling to steady her hand as she applied her eyeliner, “Have we docked yet?”

“Yep. We got here about an hour ago. Garrus said you probably needed to sleep in a little, so he’s out there keeping them distracted,” the apprehension is his voice was almost palpable, “Are… you sure about this, Commander?”

“I’m sure, Joker. Send word to Garrus that I’ll be out there in just a few minutes,” she tossed the slender pencil carelessly into the sink, plucking her dark maroon lipstick from the counter with trembling fingers.

“Well, if you change your mind, let me know. My fingers are itching to hit that light-speed button, whenever you say the word,” his usual joking tone was wrought with obvious anxiety.

“No, I have to do this. But thanks. I really appreciate you sticking through this with me,” she finished up her face and skillfully whipped her hair up into a smooth, professional bun.

“Whatever, you better come see me before you take off,” the sentimental sound of his voice sent a sharp pang straight to through her chest.

“I will… Be up in a second,” she gave herself one last quick look over and passed out of the bathroom to scan the room one more time, now that she’d sobered up.

Her model ships sparkled in the artificial light, and when her gaze passed over the helmet she’d pulled from the SR-1’s wreckage, Shepard’s heart dropped to her feet. She ran her fingers along its scarred surface, feeling that all too familiar sting in her eyes once more. Quickly, she spun away from it and tromped towards the exit, eager to pull herself away before the emotions she was fighting could overwhelm her. She was angry, sad, and worst of all, full of regret. As she exited the elevator, into the CIC, Zoe took it in every inch of it, the same way she had the cabin. Taking in a deep, steadying gulp of air, she breathed in the scent of the place. Home… it smelled like home, and it felt like home, and she was about to lose it for good. Not even Cerberus could bring her back from this, even if she’d wanted them to.

She crossed onto the bridge and approached Joker, who spun in his seat and raised up quicker than he should have. He stumbled forward, and Shepard gripped his shoulders to steady him. When she took hold of him, to her surprise, he jerked forward and wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug. She felt him let out a heavy sigh, as he pulled back to look her in the eyes. He searched her face for a moment, his brow furrowed with concern.

“It’s been an honor working with you, Commander,” he tightened his lips into a line that was probably meant to be a smile.

“Same to you, Joker,” she took his hands in hers and gave them a gentle squeeze, “For what it’s worth, I’ll put in a good word for you. I’m not sure if they’ll listen, but it’s worth a shot.”

“You don’t have to do that, Shepard. You shouldn’t have to go down alone for this,” he shook his head slightly, and the shimmer of tears in his eyes wasn’t lost on the commander.

“Yes, I do, Jeff. You… all of you… were only doing what I asked you to do. I’m not going to let you rot in a cell because you were doing your duty to save the galaxy. You had my back when I needed you, now I finally have a chance to at least try to pay you back for it all,” with that, she dropped his hands, taking a step back to retreat, and sweeping her eyes across the room, “Later, Joker. Take care of her for me.”

“The Normandy won’t be the same without you, Commander,” he let out a shallow breath as she turned and marched out of the sliding doors — on her way, determinedly, to sacrifice herself, once again, for the cause.

* * *

The media firestorm was like nothing she’d ever seen or experienced. Sure, over the years, she’d had her run-ins with the paparazzi. She’d even willingly participated in photo shoots and an interview or two for Alliance promotional material. But, this was a whole different league of insanity. The path leading into the headquarters was teaming with hundreds of bodies, human and alien alike. Some screaming and protesting, others fawning with admiration — all of them collectively trying to get a glimpse of her as she shielded her face from the flashing of cameras and microphones protruding from the throng.

“Miss Shepard! Miss Shepard! The world wants to know, do you feel any remorse about the thousands of batarians that died by your hands? Wasn’t there another way? Do you have anything to say to the people that lost their families last week?”

Shepard felt a wave of nausea swim through her gut, as she watched the guards around her forcefully shove the microphones away from her face. She wanted to say a million things, but she bit her tongue at every one of them, knowing it was better to keep quiet for now. As she started up the stairs, her eyes shot upwards, mercifully catching a glimpse of a familiar face among the crowd.

“Commander Shepard has no comment at this time,” came Anderson’s booming voice, somehow cutting through the raucous yelling of the unruly masses, “We will be holding a press conference later this evening, right here in the front of the building. Until then, I’ll have to ask you all to clear the premises immediately, otherwise we’ll have no choice but to forcefully remove the lot of you.”

She pushed through the guards and darted towards him, “Anderson! I’ve never been so happy to see you in my life!”

“Come on, Shepard,” he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in close, the rabble intentionally ignoring his words as they surged forward, crowding the two of them until Zoe felt her breathing constrict with the first signs of a panic attack, “Get back! Men, I’ve got Shepard, you all deal with these idiots!”

He shoved her up the stairs at lightening speed, just barely making it through the doors before the mob could assail them. Shepard’s heartbeat thundered in her ears and her breath was coming out in choked gasps. She’d never felt so helpless in her life — even after almost being slaughtered by just about every species in the galaxy, those few moments had ranked among some of the most frightening in her life. As they made their way through the winding hallways, Anderson relinquished his hold on her, putting a professional distance between, while leading her silently to their destination.

As they approached the conference room, he stopped and spun on his toes to face her, “Listen, Shepard. I’m going to do all I can to get you as light of a sentence as possible, but I’m not going to lie to you either. It doesn’t look good. The Council is grabbing at any straw they can find to take humanity down a peg or two.”

“So, stripping their poster girl of her command is an opportunity they just can’t pass up,” she frowned deeply, her eyes narrowing onto his face skeptically.

“They’re not just talking about stripping you of your command, Shepard. They’re considering revoking your Spectre status and dragging you through a trial. You know what that means — you’ll have a permanent black mark on your record. Possible dishonorable discharge. You stand to lose a lot more than your ship, if they get their way,” he clenched his jaw, staring her down with a pained expression.

“They wouldn’t! I just saved their asses!” Zoe bared her teeth, her anxiety dissolving into rage as if someone had flipped a switch inside her.

“You think they care about that? It’s all about keeping up appearances to them. You’ve got an entire species, or what’s left of them, out for your blood. A deadly one, at that. They’d rather pacify the batarians than worry about whether one soldier is getting treated fairly or not. Besides, if you hadn’t’ve been working for Cerberus beforehand, things wouldn’t be so cut and dried,” he blew out through his nostrils, causing them to flare like an angry bull, “I know it’s not ideal, Shepard, but you should consider yourself lucky that you’re not getting hanged for this. We’ll keep you here at headquarters until the trial. You’re lucky you came to us when you did. They’re on the hunt for revenge and if those damn batarians did manage to get their hands on you, you’d be in for a lot more pain than just a rope around your neck.”

“Understood, sir,” she tightened her lips to keep herself from saying more, as he gripped her arm to pull her towards the room.

Her fate was about to be decided for her, and as they crossed the threshold into the office, she wished with all her might that she’d taken up Liara’s offer, or Joker’s… or anyone of them that had tried to convince her that this had been a horrible idea.


	2. Cutting Communications

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I'd go ahead and put up chapter 2, since the first chapter was just kind of a build up. Still not a lot of action, yet, but we do get the first appearance of my personal favorite lieutenant, so that is a plus. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter and have a lovely day!

James Vega lay sprawled across a ratty couch in an unfamiliar apartment, a pack of ice resting across his swollen, pulsating black eye. What the hell had gotten into him, trying to pick a fight with a krogan? He picked fights with everyone these days, it seemed. Things hadn't been the same for him since the news of Commander Shepard's revival, and the subsequent failure of Fehl Prime. After all the years of looking up to her, just to have her come back around working for an organization like Cerberus was nothing he'd ever expected. However, he understood better than most why a person like her would chose the complicated road to an even more complicated destination. Sometimes, that was the only way to get shit done. The young lieutenant had spent entirely too many days of his short life considering the woman and her actions in the face of adversity. ' _What would Shepard do?_ ' had become a kind of mantra at the back of his mind when he, himself, had any sort of challenge placed in front of him.

He knew one thing for sure. She wouldn't have let a whole colony of people die for intel she could have probably fished from somewhere else, or gone without in the end — let alone, allow her heart to get in the way when the life-altering decisions had to be made. Now, word was making its way through the wire that she was turning herself into the Alliance. Of course she was. If he knew anything about her for certain, it was that she was dedicated to her marine background. As questionable as her affiliation with Cerberus had been, there was no denying that everything she'd done was for the greater good, not just of humanity, but of the whole galaxy.

With a groan, he rolled onto his side, throwing his legs off the couch to sit up. A tall, lanky blonde woman strode out of the kitchen, and he couldn't help but notice the grey Alliance shirt he'd lost the night before as it clung to her shapely hips. She took a seat next to him and curled up against his side, slipping her arm around his broad shoulders with a seductive gleam in her amber eyes.

"I had a great time last night Jimmy," she purred in his ear, and he felt his muscles tense uneasily, "How's your eye doing?"

"Fine," he answered simply, slinking away from her a bit, "Hey, it was fun and all, but I should be gettin' outta here."

"Aww, you're gonna hurt my feelings," the woman pouted, but her tone was playful and alluring, "Don't you want to stay for a little bit? The press conference about Commander Shepard is supposed to come on in a few minutes. We can watch it together."

At those words, he perked up, but attempted to act unaffected by the mention of his hero's name and the idea of seeing her on the vids again after so long, "Yeah, okay. That's cool."

"Great! I'll go get dressed. You want a beer?" she gave him a light peck on the cheek and bounced up off the sofa, bounding towards the bedroom with a little too much enthusiasm for his tastes.

His only response was a nod and a grunt, as she disappeared into the doorway to change. Vega struggled to remember when, exactly, he'd picked her up last night. Had it been before, or after, his run in with the krogan? He knew her name was Tieryn, but beyond that she was a stranger; aside from the fact that he'd paid for more than one lap dance from her over the past two weeks. Anything imaginable to keep his mind off of Fehl Prime and Treeya — at least the legal stuff — he'd done. He wasn't proud of any of it, but pride wasn't something he was used to feeling these days anyway. James was wallowing, and he was well aware of it, and he hated himself all the more for it. He dismissed the thoughts as he glanced the slender girl crossing out of the bedroom, back through the kitchen and around into the living room once again.

She dropped his shirt in his lap and held out an open bottle for him, which he gladly took. Vega slammed back it, draining half of the icy beverage in a single gulp. He heard her giggle lightly as she sipped daintily from her glass of water, reaching for the remote to turn on the television. The press conference had already begun, the familiar face of David Anderson framed on the screen, speaking with a loud, professional flourish to his words. Whatever he was saying, James wasn't paying attention. His gaze automatically locked on the woman in the background, who was standing stiffly at attention, an expression of marked determination plastered across her angular features. Shepard's silvery eyes were cold, frozen forward, her somber stare pinned somewhere beyond the cameras and the crowd. Her purplish lips were drawn into a hard line that did nothing to diminish their natural fullness. She'd tied her stark midnight hair away from her face, the only way he'd ever seen her wear it in the vids, and he had a fleeting wonder of what it might look like cascading freely down her shoulders.

He cleared his throat, trying desperately to pull his attention back to what Anderson was saying, but by the time he managed to rip his eyes from her, the admiral was turning the microphone over. The commander stepped stiffly onto the podium, planting her hands on either side, seeming to brace herself in place. She must have known the whole galaxy was watching her, and it may not have been obvious to anyone else, but something was tugging at James, telling him that this unwaveringly brave woman was fucking _terrified_ in that moment. Above her head, the words " _LIVE FEED *** BREAKING NEWS_ " scrolled across the vid screen. It was almost too much for him to watch, as she took a deep, shaky breath and began her speech.

"Hello. My name is Commander Zoe Shepard. Or, should I say, _former_ Commander… and I'm here to make a statement. The Alliance, the Council, and the rest of the political spectrum would like me to tell you that I regret the things I that had to do to stop the Collectors, and the Reapers, from advancing in their diabolical plans. But I don't," at her words, the crowd erupted into earsplitting opposition, but she charged onward, her resolve to make them understand glinting through her bright steely eyes like a lightening bolt, "That's not to say that I do not regret that lives were lost. But in these kinds of turbulent historical events, certain things cannot be avoided, no matter what the call, or who made it. I deeply regret the losses that the batarians, and so many others, have suffered, but please, I beg you to understand, that if the outcome had been any different, the number of fatalities would have been far more catastrophic in the long run."

Behind her, James noticed Anderson squirm and whisper something sharply into her ear, but she ignored him, continuing on with unconfined zeal.

"The Reapers are coming! We've only delayed them, but they _will_ find another way to invade, I promise you that. Don't let the Council convince you that this is over!" her words rose in desperation, as the admiral yanked at her arm in an attempt to tear her away from the microphone, "Prepare yourselves! Don't live in voluntary ignorance! The Reapers _are_ coming!"

Anderson grabbed her by the shoulders and finally managed to break her grip on the podium, leaning across her to shout into the mic, "This conference is over! Please, disregard Miss Shepard, she's still shaken up by what happened."

" _The hell I am!_ " the ex-commander wriggled against her superior officer's clutches, trying to fight her way back to the podium, but in a split second, two guards were on her, pulling her backwards towards the entrance of the building.

When they'd gotten her inside, Anderson began to attempt to allay the shrieking crowd, but James was too shaken to listen to any more of it. He pulled the remote from Tieryn's hand and flipped off the television, his heart weighted heavily by Shepard's panicked premonition. The woman beside him was sitting in stunned silence, eyes glued to the blackened screen in disbelief.

"She's hot as hell, but _damn_ she's insane," Tieryn scoffed, unaware of what that kind of sentiment towards Shepard did to her companion.

"She may be the only sane person left in the galaxy, actually," he sneered, suddenly overwhelmed with repulsion over the uncouth girl, "Did you even listen to what she was saying?"

"Uh, yeah, some nonsense about Reapers," the blonde's lip curled up and she rolled her honey colored eyes towards the ceiling, "It's all crazy-talk, Jimmy. The girl's on a power trip. She has been ever since she survived Akuze. She thinks she's all big and bad because she put down a couple thresher maws, while her team got killed around her? _Please_."

James scoffed and sat up rigidly, "I don't see you out there fighting for the fucking galaxy."

"Not every fight is won on the battlefield, babe. I do my part for the troops, in my own way," she snaked an arm around his waist and edged towards him, "Now, why don't you relax a little bit and we can have some fun before I have to go to work."

"No. I'm outta here," he stood abruptly, tearing himself from her poisonous touch, "You should really learn to have a little respect for the woman that's saved your, and everyone else's ass, at least twice now."

"You're leaving because I don't like that crazy bitch?" her face twisted into a look of incredulity and disdain.

"Yeah, that's exactly why I'm leaving," he tossed the icepack he'd been furiously clutching onto the side table, pulled on his shirt, and stormed towards the exit, muttering curses in Spanish under his breath as he tore out, slamming the door behind him.

A headache threatened to protrude behind his tired eyes, and he let out an irritated growl at the throbbing snippets of pain. James didn't know where the hell he was going to go from here, but he'd be damned if he was going to stay in that room with that woman one more minute after hearing her talk about Shepard like that. There were a lot of women that fought nowadays, so many so that the military was almost split down the middle — but still, none of them were as hard-assed and tenacious as the commander. Not even the men he'd known, that were decorated war heroes, had seen the kind of things and made the kind of decisions she'd been faced with countless times. He wondered a lot about whether or not she'd ever felt like giving up, though he highly doubted it. The woman was obviously hellbent on getting the job done, no matter what it entailed.

A drink — that's what he needed. A very strong one, at that. Maybe several. It would be another night of heavy inebriation for him, but that was no surprise. Tonight, however, the only woman he was going home with was the one from the press conference. Her resolute visage had seared itself into his brain, and he knew, no matter how many shots he threw back, or how many beers he swigged down, he wasn't getting her off his mind this evening, or any time soon for that matter.

* * *

 

"What in the hell were you thinking, Shepard?!" Anderson's eyes burned with rage, his words seethed through gritted teeth, "You'll throw those people into a panic! I know you just want to help, but they're three seconds from a riot, right out there on the steps of the building! I know you're not a fool, so why are you acting like one?!"

He'd brought her to the room they planned to confine her to until her trial, dragging her by her bicep the whole way there. The guards had clamped omni-cuffs onto her when they'd brought her down in the entry hall and she'd been struggling to reach her fingers around to hack her way out of them for the better part of the past twenty minutes.

"It's not right to just let them all sit out there blind to what's going on!" she shot back, the fury in her own eyes mirroring his, "Get me out of these damn cuffs, Anderson. I'm not going anywhere and you know it!"

"No! Stop fiddling with them or I'll lock them behind your back! You were out of line, Shepard! The Council only allowed you to attend that press conference so you could try your best to clear your name and instead you made yourself look like a mad zealot!"

Zoe's veins were positively teeming with rage, and she wanted nothing more than to snap at him, but she held her tongue. The Admiral was being callous, but he was right in a way. Hysteria would do nothing to keep the Reapers at bay, and if she wasn't more careful with how she handled the situation, she'd have the entire universe fighting amongst themselves before the monstrous machines could even make contact.

"Fine. I'm sorry," she spat, her nose wrinkling with antipathy, "You're right, I was out of line, it was a mistake to lash out like that."

"You're damn right it was. You think the Council is going to go easy on you now? I'm fighting as hard as I can for you, Shepard. Just throw me a damn bone and reign in that temper of yours, that's all I ask," his tone was calming a bit, but she could still feel the exasperation radiating from him.

"I will. I'm sorry, sir. I'm not trying to make this harder than it has to be," she dropped her eyes to the floor, another wave of regret passing helplessly over her.

"Could've fooled me," he huffed, bending to release her from the omni-cuffs, "I'm gonna take these off. Don't try any funny business. They'll have a guard posted at the door and at every entrance to this level to assure you're safe and that you've got no way to escape. You won't be getting your omni-tool back but you'll have restricted access to your personal extranet account via monitored data pads and that terminal over there on the desk. You're banned from contacting anyone at this time, and you'll only be receiving messages from myself and members of the Council. All other outside communications will be blocked for now, but if you behave they may decide to give you a little leeway, eventually."

"I understand, sir. And thank you… for everything," the look she gave Anderson was one of utter subjugation and she could see remorse quelling the fire in his expression.

"Now, I've got to go deal with the shit-storm you just riled up. It'll probably be a week or so before I'll be able to come check in on you. I want you on your best behavior, do you understand?" his gaze went frosty again and she nodded agreement.

Without another word, he left her there alone. Shepard exhaled heavily and sank into the chair that sat in front of the desk, crossing her arms on top of the cool surface. She heard footsteps approach behind her, and craning her neck around, she could see what looked like a guard sauntering towards the entry way. He smirked cheekily at her and even had the audacity to throw her a flirtatious wink. She'd promised Anderson she'd be on her best behavior, but this guy was stinking with bad vibes.

"Hey there, pretty lady," the scrawny soldier drawled in a thick southern accent, "Looks like we're gonna be gettin' to know each other _real_ well."

_Oh, shit, this is_ not _going to be good…_

* * *

 

"It wasn't your fault. How many times do I have to tell you? I just want to see you, please."

"I know that, Treeya, but things are just too far gone now," James sighed heavily into the receiver, his breath sending a static-like noise buzzing through his ear, "It would be nice to catch up, but whenever I look at you…"

"I know, I know," the gentle voice of the asari woman lilted through the speakers, an unmistakable pain dripping from her words as she spoke, "I wish you hadn't saved me. I wish things could be different, James. I miss you."

"Yeah, I…" he wanted to tell her he missed her too, if only to mollify her, but it would have been a bold faced lie, "I'm sorry. I wish things were different too. Maybe it's best if we just don't speak anymore?"

"But…" she let out a shaky breath, "Yes, you're probably right. It's not doing either one of us any good. We both need to move on, and if this is the only way… I hope you have a wonderful life, James. I wish you the best."

"You too, Treeya," he heard the line go dead and he knew she'd hung up on him before she could lose her nerve to say goodbye.

Vega collapsed into the ratty recliner with a groan, his hangover hitting him hard in the gut at the overly quick jolt of movement. He sucked in a breath through clenched teeth, the pulsing of techno music in the adjoining room pounding like a hammer to his brain.

"Hey, Julius, can you please turn that shit down?!" he bellowed, and a second later his request was heeded.

He really had no right to be giving orders. After all, his friend was letting him stay there for free while he was hiding away in shame. Not that he'd necessarily call Julius a friend, the guy was a worthless, lazy sack of shit, but James hadn't had much of a choice. Money was tight and rooms weren't cheap, not even on a trashy dive like Omega. The disgraced lieutenant rubbed hard at his chin, then pinched the bridge of his nose, trying his best to blink away the stinging ache welling up across his forehead.

_I gotta cut this shit out, or it's gonna kill me,_ he thought, but took another long swig of beer anyway.

Julius crossed leisurely into the room, a joint hanging loosely from his lips, "Hey, man, I know I told you it was cool if you stay here however long you need to, but I'm gettin' short on cash, man. You think I could maybe hit you up for some creds? You been doin' pretty well at the game, man, and I gotta restock my cabinets today, you feel me?"

He should have seen this coming. James set his jaw in annoyance, reaching into his pocket to retrieve his wallet, and tossing his credit chit on the coffee table before reclining backwards again.

"Use that, but don't go crazy, it's only got a few thousand creds on it right now," Vega offered, reluctantly, lifting his beer to his lips, only to realize he'd already drained it dry, "And pick me up another six pack while you're out, amigo."

"You got it, brother," Julius swiped the card off the table and shoved it carelessly into his back pocket.

"Don't lose that shit, man, and bring it straight back to me when you're done," the lieutenant sneered, "It'll have more on it after the games tonight. I'll try to drop you a little more for rent tomorrow, if you can hold out 'til then."

"You're good," the stoner tilted his head back in a lethargic nod, meandering slowly towards the door, "'Preciate it, my man."

Once again, James was left to his own devices, his hangover digging its way towards his bones. He stood up and stretched as he crossed the room to sit in front of the computer desk. The terminal flashed harshly when he touched the keyboard, causing him to wince from another slicing spasm in his skull. Slowly and carefully, he typed a few words into the search and waited as the results trickled onto the screen.

**Disgraced Former Commander Zoe Shepard Stripped of Spectre Status.**

**Shepard Squeals About Reapers and Rebellion, Causes Riot at Alliance Earth Headquarters.**

**Trial Date Yet To Be Set: Ex-Commander Zoe Shepard Faces Indefinite Detainment at Undisclosed Location.**

**Batarian Backlash — How One Race Plans to Deal With the Woman that Destroyed Their Homeworld.**

**Rebel Group of Batarian Pirates Release Vid Demanding Former Commander Shepard's Head. Click Here to Watch!**

Vega felt sick to his stomach, and it had nothing to do with his physical condition anymore. Was the rest of the world really so blind to what she'd been trying to accomplish? He didn't understand how seemingly everyone in the galaxy couldn't understand that if she hadn't made the decision she had, they'd be facing a hell of a lot more than "Batarian Backlash". Growling in annoyance, he jabbed at the power button without even bothering to close the window. The console went dark again and he propped his elbows on the table, resting his throbbing head in his hands.

If only he could have had a chance to be out there with her, maybe there was something he could have done. If only he had some kind of voice in the galaxy, maybe there was something he could say to make them all believe that she wasn't full of insanity and lies. But, he was stuck there, in that vermin infested hell hole, floundering under the crushing weight of his own failures. The bar was calling his name again, and he was ready to head out. If Julio hadn't taken his credit chit, he'd already be on his way over. It was probably for the best that he was stuck here for now. His liver most assuredly looked like a pickled hanar right about now.

Maybe it was finally time to suck it up and head back to duty. James had been taking full advantage of his 'shore leave', since they'd told him he could have as long as he needed to get back on his feet. It was obvious to his superiors how much the Fehl Prime incident had rocked him, so they'd gone easy, and were being exceedingly lenient for whatever reason. As much as part of him dreaded the thought of going back out there, fighting for and with people he felt like he couldn't protect, he was itching for the adrenaline rush of real combat. Bar fights just weren't cutting it anymore — not to mention, he'd been warned more than once, by Aria T'loak no less, that if he kept starting his little brawls on Omega, she'd throw him out into space herself. That blue bitch wasn't just intimidating, she could be downright terrifying.

He let his thoughts drift back to the commander. God, she was gorgeous. Her hair was like the darkest hours of nighttime, black as coal, and if the vid screens zoomed close enough, you could see the barest hint of sparkling grey streaks peaking out at her temples. In all the combat footage, she always wore it in that same, tight bun. In Alliance promo media, however, she often wore it in a long, loose braid, the silver twisting among the onyx in an ice cream swirl pattern. The grey had only started to show in the year that she was dealing with Saren and he'd been surprised to see that Cerberus had left it there when they'd brought her back to life. Even though it reminded him that she was several years older than he, and mentally even more so, he liked it. It was classy, especially to know she never tried to hide it. She wore the product of her stress like a medal plaited into her silky locks, and like so many other things about her, it was glorious.

When Vega traveled along this road of thought, he couldn't help but feel like a pathetic groupie, but there was so much more to her than just her looks and her outstanding performances on the battlefield. She was incontestably bright, as well. One of his favorite things he'd ever read about her was an article she'd written herself for a magazine called Battlefield Monthly. It had covered the subject classic books like Sun Tzu's The Art of War and their continued relevance in current culture. It was the most fascinating thing he'd ever read and he'd immediately gone out and purchased every book she'd recommended in the article. He'd spent hours that same night pouring over the words, studying them like school lessons. It was the most reading he'd ever done collectively in his life. James could vividly remember waking up the following morning feeling dopey and clouded from staying up so late staring at the glowing screens, but the wealth of knowledge he'd accumulated had been more than worth it.

An hour or so later, the Lieutenant was still slouching against the desk when Julius returned with arms loaded full of groceries. The young guy dropped the bags and tossed Vega his credit chit, bringing him abruptly out of his memory coma. He swiped it up, stuffing it quickly into his wallet and without another word, the lieutenant made his way out the door in the direction of the bar. After all, the best way to kill a nasty hangover was to start drinking again; at least, that's what his father had always said.


	3. Making Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we see a little bit of Zoe's dark side. This is also the chapter that contains a very brief rape mention - no actual rape occurs (just so you know) and the scene is short. Just wanted to add that in unless it were to bother anyone. Also, there are a few lines taken from Mass Effect: Conviction in the second portion of the chapter - obviously, I don't claim to own those lines, so don't sue me or anything. Once again, thanks for reading!

The color cap tingled against Shepard's scalp, a burning sensation pulsing at the spot on her head where her amp port was imbedded. Maybe using this thing hadn't been such a good idea — there hadn't been anything in the instructions about what to do in case of electric shock to the brain. She shrugged it off and checked the time on the clock. As much as she hated Freddie Middleton, her creepy, slightly obsessive guard, he'd do just about anything to get on her good side. How he'd managed to sneak the color cap through security, she honestly didn't want to know. And how Anderson was going to react… she honestly didn't care but regardless, his behemoth-like outrage could freeze the very core of even the most hot-blooded creature.

As the clock ticked away the minutes, she browsed the lines of hardback books that she'd stowed away on the self. Some of them had come from Kasumi, who'd abandoned the volumes in an attempt to disappear quickly when she'd left the Normandy. At least that's what she'd said, but Shepard had a sneaking suspicion that the thief had simply wanted to leave them as a present, only she didn't know how to say it. Kasumi cared far too much about her books to have just left them because they were too much to carry. Either way, they were here with Zoe now, Anderson having been considerate enough to allow someone to bring them over from the ship.

So far, she'd heard almost nothing from or about any of her comrades, but because of her limited communication it's wasn't much of a surprise. She at least had gotten the news that they were going easy on Joker, which was a huge relief. The way he'd looked at her, the desperation in his hug before she'd left, was heart shattering to say the least. He was like a little brother, annoying at times but ultimately lovable as hell. She missed that snarky bastard something awful. All of them really, right down to EDI and Legion, and she found herself a bit taken aback that she could say she actually missed a couple of AIs.

A buzzing sound emitted from the color cap, startling Zoe out of her own head, and she crossed quickly to the bathroom to remove it. She'd never colored her hair before, but it made some kind of twisted sense that she'd go this level of crazy her first time. After everything that had happened in the past few weeks, for the first time in her military career, she was feeling rebellious and hateful towards the Alliance. Not that doing something as harmless as dying her hair purple would hurt them, but it would at least be a thorn in Anderson and Hackett's sides, and a clear indication that she was tired of playing the game their way.

Slowly, she peeled the cap back, a bright crest of color beaming from underneath. She dropped the thing into the sink and her hair tumbled down her shoulders, wavy and amethyst and quite a shocking sight, indeed. The jewel tone contrasted beautifully against her lightly tanned skin, and the icy platinum of her coal-rimmed eyes seemed to stand out even more than usual. Shepard ran her fingers through her locks, unsure of what to think or do.

_If Melloria could see me now… she'd kick my ass…_

It was the first instance in a very long time that she'd thought about Mel. She'd done everything in her power to keep so busy in the aftermath of Akuze that she wouldn't dwell on it. That determination to hold the memories at bay was probably one of the main reasons she'd climbed the ladder as fast as she had. Shepard had thrown herself, quite literally head first, into her duty. If she was being honest, she would admit that it was because back then she had sincerely craved death. Losing her only real friend of the time had killed every ounce of will to live that she'd possessed. All she wanted to do those days was make something, someone hurt as much as she was. Regardless of how devil may care she had been, it was like some kind of force of nature refused to let her suffering end. She'd been beaten, shot, stabbed, concussed — but she'd survived every bit of it, and every time she'd wake up from her injuries, the somber anguish would intensify inside of her.

After the destruction of the Normandy SR-1, while she'd been floating out in space, she'd finally thought it was all coming to an end. Panic had set in at first, when she'd realized she was losing oxygen at an alarming rate, but soon Shepard had settled into peaceful capitulation. When she woke up two years later in that damned Cerberus lab, she'd been ready to tear the heads off of every single one of them for saving her. But, once again, her duty to the galaxy she so passionately adored got in the way of her primal need for vengeance.

"Shepard! Where are you?" Anderson's voice reverberated off the walls, and in the reflection of the mirror she could see her own eyes shoot open wide.

"I'm in the bathroom. Be out in a second!" she returned, whipping her hair up into a messy bun before cautiously stepping towards the main room — maybe if it was up, it wouldn't be such a shock to the man.

"What in the _holy hell_ have you done, woman?!" his saucer shaped eyes and slack jaw told her she'd been wrong, and he was pissed.

"I… uh…" Zoe stammered and could feel herself instantly start to shake, "I just needed something different. And since I'm not going back out there any time soon, I figured it wouldn't be a big deal. Besides, there aren't any regs against it anymore."

The Admiral let out a low growl of frustration, "Dammit, girl, every time I think you're going to start acting like you have some sense… You're not some rebellious teenager anymore, you realize that right? You're a grown woman, who's in a heap of trouble, and pulling shit like this doesn't help your cause!"

At that, Shepard finally snapped, storming forward and stabbing a single, sharp finger into the man's puffed out chest, "Listen to me, David, they took everything from me. _Everything!_ If you expect me to just sit around here acting like it's all fine and kissing their asses, you've got another thing coming. You know I appreciate everything you're trying to do for me, but if I don't do _something_ to get my mind off of all this, something for _myself_ for a change, I'm going to go fucking insane, and you know it!"

With a sigh and a defeated shake of his head, he backed off a bit, "I know, Shepard. I'm under a lot of stress these days, you'll have to forgive my short temper. I didn't come here to berate you about your hair — though I do want to know how you got whatever it was you used to do that."

"Middleton snuck it in," she usually wasn't a snitch, but she really didn't like Freddie and any opportunity to potentially get him replaced she'd gladly take.

"Should have figured as much. He's sweet on you," it was more an observation than a question, "Don't worry, I've already got plans to reassign him."

"Good. He gives me the creeps," she sneered, a flood of relief washing over her at the Admiral's admission, "So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"

He crossed to the terminal on her desk and began to fiddle with the keyboard, "We're opening up your outside communication. You'll be able to send and receive messages to whomever you choose, but all transmissions will be monitored, so be careful what you say."

"Understood," she nodded appreciatively, "Thank you, sir."

"I'm not doing this just for your benefit, Shepard," he glanced over his shoulder at her with a pointed expression, "I'm looking for someone, and I need you to help me get in touch with the only person I know that may be able to pinpoint his location."

"Alright, who do you need to talk to?"

"Aria T'Loak," he stated simply.

" _Aria?_ What kind of person are you looking for that makes you desperate enough to contact Aria?" her brow knit tightly in disbelief.

"I'm not desperate. But, the soldier I'm looking for was last seen somewhere on Omega. She's got more knowledge of that place than anyone, and it'll be faster finding him if I can simply ask her to locate him for me," he shrugged as if requesting a favor from someone like the hot-headed asari was no big thing.

"Is this guy a deserter or something?" Shepard narrowed her eyes, making no attempt to hide the fact that she was actively digging for more information.

"Not in the conventional sense. He's technically on indefinite shore leave. He lost his whole squadron, save one other soldier, and it just about destroyed him," Anderson explained, finishing his task at the console and straightening up, "But he's been gone a little too long for the Alliance's liking. He's too good of a solider to lose to a dishonorable discharge, so I'm taking it upon myself to pull him out of whatever mess he's got himself into."

"Do I get a name to send to Aria? Or do I just tell her there's some soldier out there who's running for the hills… because I have a feeling she's going to tell me I need to be a little more specific," the woman's lips twitched up in a snarky smirk.

"You leave the details to me. Just let Aria know I want to speak to her. I'm only going through you first because I know she wouldn't be caught dead dealing with the authorities unless there was a middle man to vouch for me."

"Alright, I'll send her a message right now," Zoe took a seat at the terminal, rapidly tapping out a short message to the infamous asari, and it was only a short minute before the reply beeped through, "She says she'll be in contact… but she'll expect some kind of compensation for her troubles."

"Should have expected as much. I appreciate it, Shepard," he clapped her on the shoulder in thanks.

"She also says you're all assholes for keeping me locked up for doing what I had to do," Shepard snorted a laugh when his hand tightened on her in agitation, "I'm kidding, Anderson!"

"Dammit, Shepard, you're going to be the death of me," the Admiral let out a huff and spun on his toes, heading towards the door, "Just… no more crazy decisions without running them by me. I don't want to come back to you tattooed and pierced from head to toe."

"I hate to break it to you, Admiral," Zoe grinned wickedly, "But I've already got tattoos, they're just not anywhere you've ever seen."

She threw him a teasing wink and he blew out another exasperated breath before storming out the doorway in a tizzy. God, she loved getting under that man's skin. For as far back as she'd known him, he'd been like the father she never had. So, to see him up in arms over her ribbing and the decisions she made regarding her own body was refreshingly reminiscent of things she'd missed out on in her youth. She wouldn't give him such a hard time if they weren't as close as they were, that was for sure.

Shepard pushed herself out of the rolling chair and crossed over to the book case, preparing to engross herself in one of the numerous novels that filled the middle shelves. Before she could make her pick, however, the door slid open and shut, as footsteps thudding leisurely into the room.

_Fucking Middleton…_

It never failed, as soon as he took his shift, he was in there until she forced him out by way of thinly veiled threats against his life. From behind her back, she could hear him let out a low whistle, and she could practically feel his gaze pass up and down her body.

"Freddie… so glad you could join me," the words seeped derision, but her biting tone was lost on the dim-witted soldier.

"Lookin' good there, Shepard," he drawled, " _Sexy. As. Hell…_ The admiral said he needed to talk to me soon… Now, you didn't go tellin' on me, did you, pretty lady?"

"I sure did, Lieutenant," she refused to look at him, instead focusing her attention on aligning the leather spines in front of her.

"What the hell? You said you'd keep quiet!" he stomped towards her, probably hoping she would flinch, but she stood her ground.

"Did I? I don't recall…"

"You bitch! I was tryin' to help you out. What's your fuckin' problem?" the soldier reached out and took hold of her wrist, yanking her around to face him.

"Get your hands _off me!_ " she brought her leg up and shoved it hard into his abdomen, sending him toppling backwards, sprawling onto the floor, "You're a goddamn creep. I've already warned you about saying inappropriate shit to me."

The lieutenant's eyes narrowed evilly, and he bounded off the floor, slamming his palm onto the door lock. It flashed red, sending a surge of panic crashing over Shepard. He'd locked them in, and who knew what he planned to do.

"Touch me and I'll fucking scream," she backed up a few steps, wishing like hell they hadn't removed her biotic amp so she could make this guy really regret whatever he was thinking about doing, "Do you even know who you're messing with?"

"Oh yeah, I know _exactly_ who I'm messin' with," he tromped towards her, a malicious gleam in his eyes, "But I'm the one with the gun… and _this_."

He lunged towards her unexpectedly and before she could react, he had her wrapped in a headlock, trying with all his might to fight against her struggling to lift something to her face. The pungent smell of chloroform wafted into her nostrils and she fought back with all her might.

"Get off me, you bastard!" she kicked and wriggled, clawing at his arms and hair, trying twice to butt him with the back of her head, but he dodged her each time.

"I'm gonna make you scream my name, bitch," he spat into her ear.

The hand that held the rag snaked up under the hem of her shirt. How the hell he thought he was going to get away with this, Shepard couldn't understand. There was any number of guards and officers right outside the door. Without another moment's hesitation, she sunk her teeth deep into the flesh of the forearm that was wrapped around her neck. Freddie let out a deep growl of pain, throwing her off of him, and she went toppling face-first onto the bed. It seemed to her like he thought she might scurry away, but in seconds, she was on him, forcing him into the same position she'd just broken free of. She tore the chemical soaked cloth from his hand and chucked it across the room, tightening her grip around his neck as he started to lose his strength bit by bit.

"Go ahead, kill me," he taunted, "That'll look real good right next to that dishonorable discharge on your record, you damn traitor!"

Shepard pried the clawing fingers of his right hand from her forearm and twisted his arm around his back, shoving him on the ground and pinning him there with her knee. His other arm was trapped underneath him, and he writhed there trying to break away from her or throw her off like a bucking bull, but his efforts were not nearly enough. She splayed the fingers of his right hand apart, separating the pointer finger from the rest, and for a second she just stared at it, a haunted shadow passing through her eyes.

"Oh, look… your trigger finger," she leaned down over him, bending his arm at an impossible angle, "Won't be much of a soldier without this, will you?"

"Fuck you, bitch!" he snarled callously.

"Oh, Freddie… that really was the _wrong_ thing to say."

She leaned back and pulled hard on the digit, the snapping of bone resounding with a sick crunch as the joints gave way and separated in her iron grip. His scream reverberated against the metallic walls, bouncing back and echoing in her ears. It was as if she'd left her body entirely, a phenomenon that happened often when her fight or flight instinct took control. She almost didn't notice when another set of guards came bursting in to see what was causing the ruckus.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing? Get on your feet!" the taller guard lifted his gun at her, and she could see his eyes widen, radiating with alarm when he saw the bloody stump she held in her hand.

"She ripped his fuckin' finger off!" the other man choked out, "That's sick!"

"Get her off of me, she's insane!" Middleton blubbered through pathetic sobs of anguish.

"Shut up! You fucking attacked me!" she slammed her palm into the back of his head, smashing the side of his face into the ground with all her might, "He was trying to rape me! Over there, there's a cloth with chloroform on it, see for yourself!"

The shorter soldier back up carefully in the direction that Shepard had indicated, dipping down to pick up the cloth, and giving it a short, cautious sniff, "She's telling the truth, it's chloroform."

"Dammit, Middleton, what the hell were you thinking? Shepard, get your ass off him so I can get him up and out of here. Simmons, you'll have to hold Freddie's post until we can get someone to replace him," the senior officer yanked the injured man from the floor and pulled him out the door.

"Hey, you can't leave me here with this psycho! I don't get paid enough for this, man!" Lieutenant Simmons made a break for the door, but the taller one whipped around and blocked his exit.

"Just keep quiet, don't try anything funny, and I'm sure she'll let you keep all your fingers," he eyed Zoe with unmasked mirth dancing in his eyes, "Am I right, Shepard?"

"I knew I always liked you, Pete," she grinned conspiratorially at the older man.

" _Shit_ , fine… but I don't gotta stay in here, do I?" Simmons whimpered.

"I'd prefer if you didn't," Shepard offered, flippantly, ripping the chemical soaked rag from the soldier's hand and shoving it towards the other, "Here, make sure Anderson knows there was a good reason for this."

He took it and shoved it into his pants pocket, "I don't know if there's any good reason to rip a guy's finger off, Shepard, but I'll try to put in a word for you."

"Thanks, Pete. I owe you one," that phrase was starting to become all too common place from her.

"A favor from Commander Shepard, huh? Who could turn down that kind of offer?" he threw her a slick grin and shoved at Middleton's shoulder with the barrel of his assault riffle, "Get out of here, you sack of shit. You're in a world of trouble now. I never did like your sorry ass."

The men filed out quickly and Zoe let out a deep sigh of relief as she collapsed back onto the bed. Her hand felt crusty and sticky, and she realized that it was still caked with Freddie's blood. She'd dropped the finger some time between slamming his head into the ground and getting up off of him, and she craned her head up to see it sitting in front of her bookshelf surrounded by a small circle of crimson wetness. She hadn't meant to rip the thing clean off, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, she forgot her own strength. A thought crossed her mind, and in an instant, she felt a weight drop low in the pit of her stomach.

_That carnage… that ruthlessness… That was the kind of thing Mel would have done…_

* * *

 

"You're a damn fool if you think I'm going to let a soldier as good as you piss away your life in this shit hole," Anderson led James through the dimly lit streets of Omega, towards the Alliance frigate docked in the distance, "You're coming with me to Earth. _Now_."

"Forget it," James stopped in his tracks and shook his head disobediently, "There's nothing for me there."

"I've got something for you. Something you haven't had before," the admiral cast Vega a discerning glance but the lieutenant wasn't convinced.

"Just throw me in the goddamn brig and be done with it," James seethed, but when his eyes lifted to the airship in front of him he felt his heart skip a beat.

_Dios, that's the Normandy!_

He'd never dreamed he'd be standing so close to it, let alone about to board the famous vessel. He urged his feet to step forward, his pulse quickening at the thought that he was about to step into the very airlock that he'd seen his hero disembark from on so many old news vids.

"You're not far off, Lieutenant. Only, you'll be _guarding_ the brig," Anderson threw him another pointed gaze, and Vega could have sworn he saw the hint of a smile slide across the older man's features, "One prisoner in particular."

It couldn't be true, there was no way, and when James said it, he almost choked on the name, "Commander Shepard?"

"That's right, my boy. Now, come on," the older man waved him into the ship, letting the grin spread along his cheeks at the lieutenant's reaction, "I know you've been a loyal follower of her career. You've seen the kinds of things she has, made similar decisions, and most of all, I trust you. Your record is clean and the only reason you've trapped yourself here is because you can't pull yourself back from the regret of Fehl. Maybe getting to know Shepard a little will help you with that."

"With all due respect, Admiral, I haven't seen half the shit she has. And I already know her pretty well — so far it hasn't done me any good."

They entered the main room of the ship, and James was instantly taken aback by the grandeur of it. Everything was state of the art, top of the line; a vessel fit for the galaxy's best squadron. Oh, to make this ship his home! The hours, days, weeks, that Shepard and her crew must have spent drinking all this in. He felt a pang of jealousy shoot through him to know that he'd only get to explore a small portion of it, and just for the short time it took for them to return to Earth.

"That's where you're wrong, Vega," Anderson's words snapped him from his thoughts, "You know the Shepard that the media wants you to know. That version, and the actual woman are two very different people, I can assure you of that. How long have I known you, now, Lieutenant?"

"About five years, sir."

"Well, I've known the commander for over a decade, if you can believe it. I've seen her at her worst, and her best. And trust me when I say, I think the two of you could really help each other work out your issues, and I believe you're going to get along surprisingly well."

"I hope you're right, sir…"

It was all he could think of to say, but as the rest of the passengers settled in to enjoy the ride back, James could feel his stomach twist up into knots. In just a matter of days, he was finally going to meet her, face to face. It was like the feeling that a person got when they were about to meet their favorite celebrity. Hell, she may as well be one, but Vega wasn't some kind of screeching fanboy. Whatever happened when he finally stepped into the brig and meet her, he was going to be himself. Regardless of what her name was, who she was, he vowed to himself not to try to put on any kind of airs just to impress her. It was completely possible that she'd end up being some kind of stuffy snob with a superiority complex. James hoped that wasn't true, but he wasn't about to get his spirits up, on the off chance that he might be disappointed by the reality of the woman.

_Please_ , he thought, as he settled onto a couch in the starboard observation lounge, _just let Anderson be right… I don't ask for much, just give me this one thing…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you look at that? It appears that our dear Commander & Lieutenant may be finally crossing paths in the next chapter! Yaaaay! Hope you stick around, and, until then, have a lovely day!


	4. A Friendly Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a slightly shorter chapter this time around, so sorry about that, but I just wanted to go ahead and put it up, because I was dying to get to the part that includes our favorite Commander & Lieutenant's first interaction! Chapters will probably be going up much slower from here on out, since I'm still in the re-writing stages of this. I'm not gonna lie, I'm becoming increasingly nervous about posting, because it hasn't gotten a lot of feedback, and that really worries me. But, I shall keep trudging along and hope things pick up as the story progresses. Please, if you do like the story so far, if you wouldn't mind taking a moment to leave a review or some kudos, I'd appreciate it so much! Even if it's criticism, I'll take whatever you have to offer. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this far. And as always, have a lovely day!

Had it really been three weeks already? It was hard to believe that time had passed so quickly, but at the same instant, seemed to stretch on for ages. While the days were passing, they'd felt like years, but now that they were gone, her surrender felt like it'd only happened mere hours before. Things hadn't been easy. Hell, of all the shit she'd been through, this was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to deal with — confinement. Shepard had always, even when she'd had nothing else, at least had her freedom. Now, though, she was sequestered to a single floor of Alliance headquarters, and she hadn't heard from even one of her so-called friends since her communication rights had been reinstated the week before.

It shouldn't have surprised her, really. She loved them all, and she knew they cared about her, but if they had tried to see her, she would have turned them away. She'd made it clear that she wanted them to stay as far away from her as possible to avoid being seen as guilty by association. Shepard planned to take the fall for all of this, regardless of the consequences. The people who'd stood beside her had been the only reason she made it out alive, no way they were going down for her own difficult decisions.

_But, it would be nice if they'd at least try to come around…_

Zoe Shepard wasn't the kind of woman that allowed herself feel much of anything; but she also wasn't the kind of woman that stayed in one place for long periods of time. And these days, passing by her one by one, with no other company than the guards and other random officers that frequented this section of the building — the solitude of it was beginning to wear on her usual detached perspective. All she wanted was a friendly face… and a battle to sink her teeth into; anything to get her mind off the council, their thumb twiddling, and the inevitable danger she knew the galaxy was in if they didn't act upon her warnings soon. No one wanted anything to do with her, at the moment, aside from smearing her name in the mud, and as much as she hated to admit it, it ate at her ego.

Though she hid it well, she was never all that self-confident, and not one to put much weight on the praise she'd gotten in her earlier Alliance career — the media pedestal she'd been placed upon was entirely too high for her comfort. Though, now that she'd pretty much been blacklisted, she was beginning to miss the spotlight, for all the stress it had caused her once upon a time. Not to mention, in the past week since the incident with Middleton, even darker things had found their way into her mind. Memories of a past she'd happily stuffed down into the deepest, unreachable places of her brain. At night, when the lights went out, and the rooms grew still and quiet, they came clawing their way to the surface with a vengeance.

The previous night had been no different. Akuze and the slew of thresher maws… Melloira screaming orders in the heat of battle… herself cowering in a dank hollow sobbing and bleeding… the visions swirled unmercifully through her dreams. She'd woken up in a cold sweat, as she had numerous nights now, and her first thought upon rising was to immerse herself in the fantasy worlds she'd grown so fond of — as far back as her youth, they'd been her only way to escape the painfully reality of what her life had become. She was neck deep into her favorite part of her favorite book when the door of her room slid open abruptly.

"I've assigned you a new guard Shepard," Admiral Anderson entered the cell without so much as a knock or a proper greeting.

"Nice to see you, too, Admiral," the woman stayed planted on the bed by the window, the book open on the pillow at her side.

"Please don't antagonize him like you did the last one," the man half-joked, "Good guards are hard to come by these days."

"It's not my fault he couldn't keep his hands to himself," she shoved a bookmark into place and closed the heavy volume, pushing it aside with a sigh, "He's lucky all I did was take his finger off. Better men have lost entire appendages for less."

"Easy, Shepard," Anderson crossed his arms and gave her that fatherly chastising look that made her cheeks flair with a mix of embarrassment and angst, "I've had it up to here with your shenanigans. After that stunt you pulled with Middleton, you're skating on very thin ice."

"Sorry, sir," she stood reluctantly and approached, but couldn't resist the urge to tease the man a little more, "So, who's my next victim?"

"Lieutenant," he ignored the goad as he called out towards the hall, and a towering silhouette filled the entry way, "Shepard, this is Lieutenant James Vega. He's a good soldier, I don't think you'll have any problems out of him."

As the man stepped into the light, Zoe's eyes shot wide and she resisted the urge to mutter the words 'holy shit'. The guy was massive — muscle bound, broad, and exuding a confidence that would make any normal person weak in the knees. He must have caught the look she gave him, because a second later a sly grin tugged at the corners of his lips. Little did she know, he'd had basically the same reaction to finally seeing her in the flesh. Shepard forced her features back to neutral.

_Well, he's cocky, didn't take long to read_ that _much._

"Commander Shepard," Vega stood at attention and saluted her, "It's an honor to meet you."

"Vega, huh?" Zoe scoffed, "Either you've been living under a rock the past few weeks, or everyone's been keeping it from you. It's just Shepard now, or Zoe, if we're not being formal."

"Zoe?" the man relaxed, tilting his head to the side with one thick brow cocked high, "You don't look like a Zoe."

"You don't look like a guard," she shot back cantankerously, "What gives, Anderson?"

"Well, we haven't exactly had luck with keeping guards when it comes to you. They're either too scared of you to take the job, or... how do I put this kindly?"

"Not thrilled with being in the presence of a traitor to the Alliance?" Zoe raised an eyebrow, mimicking the expression of the presumptuous lieutenant.

"Something like that," the admiral chuckled halfheartedly, "And like I said, James is a good man. Regardless of everything, he, like me, still thinks highly of you. I think you'll get along well."

"Let's hope so," she eyed the larger of the two up and down with skepticism, "If I ever have to punch him I'll have to climb a tree just to reach his face."

James tried to hold in the laugh that comment dredged forth, but it escaped before he could stifle it.

Anderson shook his head in amusement, "Behave, you two. I'll be back when I can to check in, but for now, I've got some business to attend."

They stood there for a few minutes in a silence that made Shepard increasingly self-conscious. He was just _staring_ at her, with a look like a wild animal hunting down a meal after days of fasting. Or, was she the one staring and he was just returning the favor? It wasn't the same kind of look that Freddie used to give her, though. That idiot had just been creepy — this guy was practically emitting waves of sex appeal from every pore. Something about him made her brain go on the fritz, but she blinked a few times, trying to regain some semblance of composure.

"You gonna do some guarding, or are you just gonna stand there and size me up all day?" she pursed her lips, a defiant look splashed across her face.

_So, this is the infamous Commander Shepard._

James was trying his hardest not to grin like the infatuated, star-struck fan that he was. She'd only spoken a few sentences, and he was already starkly aware that he may be in over his head on this one. She was both everything and nothing like he'd expected her to be. When he'd imagined her before he'd been so worried that she'd be professional and stuffy, cold and serious. But here she was, standing before him smirking with her head tossed back just so, and damn if she wasn't positively seething with raw power and femininity.

He pushed the thoughts aside, and crossed to the bookshelf to lean against it leisurely, "Sorry, Commander, you're just... uh, not exactly what I expected."

"What's throwing you off, Lieutenant?" she turned and sauntered back toward the bed, unable to see his eyes scanning her figure as she walked.

_Dios mio, those curves for one._

When she took a seat at the foot of the bed, he cleared his throat and answered, "Well, to start with I wasn't expecting the uh... purple?"

"Oh, the hair?" she let out a light laugh, "Yeah, I did it about a week ago. I just... needed a change, I guess."

"Aren't you kind of afraid of standing out a little too much? I mean, it's not the best for camo on the battlefield," his dark brow went up again.

"That's not something I really have to worry about, now, is it?" Zoe sneered, unsure if he was being callous or sincere.

"Not now, but you'll be out there again some day, probably sooner than you think," he truly believed his words, but he was having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that he was standing there saying them straight to her face.

"You have a lot more faith in me than most, Lieutenant," she let her features soften, but inside she was unbelievably tense, as she always was around new acquaintances — adding to that, the fact that no one had spoken so positively to her, about her, in what felt like ages.

"I know a lot more about the details of your service record than most," he shifted his feet and crossed his arms along his muscular chest, "I may not be the smartest solider out there, but I do my research, and from what I know, they'd be stupid to keep you cooped up in here forever. You've saved everyone's asses more than once. We'll need you out there again, especially if you're right about the things you've said in the past."

"The Reapers," she said flatly.

"Yeah," she expected him to say more, but he seemed to be waiting for her to elaborate.

"They're coming. I don't know when, I still don't even really understand why, but they're out there and they want us all dead," her voice was grim, her eyes clouded with what he thought might be fear.

"Why won't the Council listen to you?" he crossed the room to take a seat at the desk on the far wall, settling in to hear the story.

"Why do you care?" she was obviously skeptical of his interest in the matter — few people, besides her former crew mates, had really bothered to understand or even feign interest in the subject.

"Because, I believe you. I've seen it myself. Something's not right out there, and the Council has a reputation of not listening to reason, especially when it's something that's going to put a kink in the illusion of their perfect, peaceful world where they're all untouchable," talking about that group always put a bitter taste in his mouth, and it was apparent in the soured expression that came with his words.

"Ha! You can say that again. I've been telling them for years, now. But, you pretty much answered your own question, there. Besides that... they've never really trusted me, not since the beginning. They think I'm reckless, hot-headed, too quick to assume the worst. And they're right, for the most part, but it's better to assume the worst than blanket yourself in voluntary ignorance. It may be cliché, but it's better to be safe than sorry, and if it is all true, we're quickly on our way to being very, very sorry."

Why the hell was she telling him all this? It had to be because he was being so understanding towards her, but something about her own willingness to open up to this guy who had literally _just_ stepped foot in her life, made her uneasy. The conversation was starting to make her blood hot, but she was glad to have someone listening with concern, instead of doubt, for once. Hearing those words, _'I believe you'_ , caused something to tug inside her chest, and her eyes burned at the corners as if she were about to cry. Shepard took a deep breath and raised her gaze to the lieutenant's. He sat with his elbows on his knees, hands gripped together in front of him, and the look in his eyes was worried and pensive. She stood again, passing to the window that looked down into the grassy courtyard, and leaned a shoulder against the warm glass.

"My grandmother used to tell me stories about what Earth was like before First Contact," her mind was drifting, and she let it, since it was so infrequent that she had a like mind to discuss these things with.

"Grandmother? Everything I've ever heard about you says you were an orphan."

"I am... she wasn't really my grandmother, she was my best friend's, but I spent so much time with her, she may as well have been mine," thinking about the past always made Zoe's heart drop into her stomach, but she went on, "She used to tell me about how much simpler things were when she was a little girl. About how humanity tried so hard to advance, faster and faster every year, that they got ahead of themselves. Their ego got too big, always thinking they were the first to discover all these new things. Then, when we found out we weren't alone, their delusions of grandeur were shattered like a mirror, and they couldn't see, didn't want to admit, where they'd gone wrong."

"I guess all abuelas probably tell the same stories," he mused, "I know mine did. Those 'Back in my day, we didn't have skycars. We used to have to drive land cars in the snow to work, up hill both ways' stories."

She let a chuckle escape, and he couldn't help but notice the little dimples that marked her cheeks when she smiled, "We were lucky to have them."

"Yeah, she kept me grounded, that's for sure," he leaned back and draped an arm across the desk, "And she made the best damn huevos rancheros in the galaxy."

"Really?" she glanced sidelong at him, "You'll have to make me some one day. Eating the gruel coming out of this kitchen is almost more torture than being locked up."

"I might just do that," he smirked, "How long you got left in here?"

He was finding it remarkably easy to keep his vow to be himself. Her confident, spirited air had a way of putting him at ease, and he was glad to see she was a little less confrontational than she'd come off as at first. He only hoped the feeling would last, because, damn, she was something else.

"I don't know for sure. They keep delaying the trial. The Admiral is doing all he can to get me some kind of pardon, though I'm not entirely sure why, as much trouble as I've given him lately," she returned to the bed, and, plucking the tattered book from the pillow, she plopped down lazily, opening it to the bookmarked page, "Anyway, if you'll excuse me for a while, Jane Eyre was just about to return to Rochester Hall after a long trip to visit her dying aunt."

"Is that an actual book? Like with paper and shit? I didn't think they made those anymore," his smile deepened as he stood and prepared to take his post outside the door.

"I don't think they do," she propped her head on one hand and smoothed the pages with the free one, "A friend of mine got this one for me when I was running with Cerberus. It's a rare edition, worth a pretty penny, I think."

He wasn't entirely sure what to say, wondering who in the hell would pay that much for a book when you could get those old novels on the extranet for next to nothing, and all he could manage was a muttered, "Damn."

"Do you, uh... want me to read to you or..." she peered at him through a few strands of amethyst hair that had fallen loose from her braid, and he felt heat rise to neck.

"Heh, maybe some other time, but thanks for the offer, Commander," he fidgeted a bit, reluctant to leave so soon, but started towards the exit.

"Just Shepard," she called after him.

"Whatever you say, _Commander_ ," he retorted, throwing her a half-salute over his shoulder.

"I think I'm gonna like you," she mumbled, barely audible.

"Feeling's mutual," evidently he had impeccable hearing.

She pulled the book to her face to hide the bright shade of beet red that flared up at his words. When he'd finally disappeared into the hallway, she dropped her face down into the billowy comforter and let out a long, frustrated sound, that came out a mix of growl and sigh. Who did this guy think he was, being so damn charming? It was the first time in a decade that she'd felt that butterfly sensation in her stomach that crept up when he'd grinned at her. She'd always looked past people, never at them, but he was undeniably hard to ignore.

And even more than that, he was on her level — he agreed with her about things that even some of her closest friends had questioned her on. Maybe he had ulterior motives… he did say he knew her service record better than most, and he was obviously aware of a good chunk of her past, noted by the comment on her orphan upbringing. It was possible that he was just another fanboy that wanted to pay her lip service to appease her. Whatever the case, this was going to be an interesting next few months, maybe even a little more tolerable than it had been before.


	5. Abandonment Issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. A slightly longer entry this time around! In this chapter, we get a little peek into Zoe's background, to some of the things that have shaped her into the person that she is inside. Hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm glad to finally have arrived at the portion of the story that shows much more interaction between the two. I think it becomes a lot more interesting from here on out, but that's just my opinion. Let me know yours! :)
> 
> Side note: I have no freakin' clue how old James is. I've searched and searched and can't find squat, so I just made up his age. If you know for sure how old he it, please let me know! TIA

"197, 198... 199... _200_. Damn, chica, I didn't think you were gonna make it there for a minute," James threw his head back and let out a raucous laugh.

"That's not even my record," Shepard stood, catching the towel that came flying at her face, and swiping it across her sweat beaded brow, "Pushups are a cakewalk, anyway. Next time challenge me to something that's actually hard."

"Oh, ho ho, now you're just gettin' cocky," he tossed a bottle of water to her and rose from the seat, "Say, do they ever let you down to the shooting range? I'd love to get a front row seat to see the famous Commander Shepard headshot takedown."

"Ha! You'll be waiting a while. They won't let me anywhere _near_ a firearm," she threw him a sarcastic smile, "But thanks for reminding me."

"Maybe I can talk to Anderson for you," he suggested, crossing to the book case and absentmindedly scanning its contents.

"That's sweet of you to offer, but it's a long shot… no pun intended. Besides, it's probably a lot more impressive when the bullet actually hits a living target, not just a sheet of paper," Zoe leaned against the opposite side of the shelf and gave him a once over, "You read?"

Vega chuckled and turned to face her, mirroring her posture, "Not really, but seeing you do it so often has me kinda curious as to what the appeal is."

Her eyes searched the books, volumes upon volumes that she'd had transferred from her personal collection to the makeshift cell over the weeks she'd been locked away. It was the one favor that Anderson didn't mind pulling a few strings for, since it kept her docile and out of his hair the majority of the time. In the two weeks James had been guarding her, she'd read more than she'd done anything else. It seemed every morning so far that he'd walked in to greet her, she'd be stretched alluringly across the bed, her head dipped down, eyes squarely focused on the pages. Then she'd peak up at him with those glacial grey orbs, and his heart would leap into his throat.

"It's an escape, mostly," she lifted a hand to the perfectly aligned spines and gave them a loving stroke, "It's hell being locked inside your own mind when you've been through as much shit as I have. These are my alternate universes. The places I travel to where the ending is always happily ever after."

James was obviously taken aback by the admission, his eyebrows arching almost as high as his mohawk, "You don't exactly seem like the fairy tale type."

"There sure is a lot you seem to think you know about me," she spat, a little more aggressively than she intended, and she could tell she was about to lose control of her words, like she often did when she was irritated, but she couldn't stop herself, "Just because I'm... well, was... a soldier, doesn't mean I can't enjoy the simple things... and just because I'm dedicated to what I do doesn't mean that I don't wish that things were different sometimes. You can't understand what it's like have the _entire fucking galaxy_ depend on you, then have those same people you saved turn around and claim you're a traitor. I never asked for this, I never asked to be me. I just wanted to get myself out of a bad situation and do my part to make a difference. I lost so damn much along the way, but no one ever thinks about that. All they care about is what _I_ can do for _them_ , until it's the end of the line and nothing I ever did was good enough. Then they throw me in here to rot. This was never part of the plan, I was only doing what I had to."

"Hey, hey, calm down," he threw his hands up in defense, "I didn't mean anything by it. I just meant it was interesting to see a different side of you. Everyone talks like you're either this untouchable saint, or... well, a traitor... It's just good to see you're actually human under all that propaganda."

Somehow, Vega seemed to know how to console her and crawl up under her skin all at the same time. The mixed feelings confused the hell out of her, and if there was one thing she desperately hated being, it was confused. Zoe was shaking and sweating, and it had nothing to do with the workout anymore. She turned and braced herself against the book case, laying her forehead against the cool metal of the shelves. She'd never been one to cry when she was sad, but something about furious anger always caused unwelcome tears to well at the corners of her eyes, which only served to frustrate her more. She pulled her foot back and slammed it into the bottom of the case, the force sending several of the books toppling over into the floor.

"I'm just so fucking sick of this place. I want my ship, my guns, _my crew_ ," she smashed a fist into the side of the shelves and spun on her heels, stomping across the room to the window, "Not a single one of them has so much as sent a message. I thought they were my friends... _Fuck!_ Fuck this place."

"Shepard, chill out. I'm sure they want to talk to you, they're probably just having a hard time dealing. They wouldn't just abandon you or anything. Give it time," he approached her cautiously and placed a hand on her shoulder, "It's gonna be okay."

"Get your fucking hands off me," she flew around, quick as lightening, and planted a fist into the side of his face, knocking him backwards with more force than he'd ever thought she could muster.

"What the hell was that for?" he rubbed the tender spot, checking for lacerations.

"Get out!" she charged towards him threateningly, but he wouldn't budge.

The look on his face was one of shock, and she could have sworn there was a hint of disappointment. She had no intention of backing down, however, and neither did he. He'd hit a nerve somewhere, it was painfully obvious. Though he felt a little guilty about it, he had a feeling this was something she needed to get out of her system before it came out in an even worse way than this. It wasn't the first time he'd seen her explode with anger, but it was the first time it was directed solely at him. If she needed someone to take all her pent up aggression out on, he could handle it. Besides, telling his fellow soldiers that he got the shit beat out of him by Shepard would make for a pretty priceless story.

"You gonna hit me again?" he grinned, the stretch of skin making the welt ache that much more.

"I might," she hesitated, regret immediately pooling in her chest.

"Then do it. I've been hit harder than that by my little baby cousin," he teased, "I don't think you've got the cojones to do it again."

"Don't tempt me, Vega," she snarled, edging closer and clenching her fists so tight her nails dug into the soft pad of her palms.

"I'm right here, hermosa, ain't nothin' stopping you," he smiled wide, teeth gleaming and eyes sparking with mischief.

"What the hell's going on in here?" Admiral Anderson chose that awkward moment to come barreling through the open doorway.

Zoe took a few reluctant steps back and relaxed her posture, "Nothing, sir, just a minor _disagreement_."

The older man gave Vega a questioning look, eyeing the now swollen and slightly purpled patch on his cheek, "You sure about that? Lieutenant?"

"Yes, sir, we were just having a little _heated_ discussion," he confirmed, still eyeing her with amusement.

"Is there something you need, Admiral?" Shepard turned her attention away from the lieutenant's penetrating gaze.

"I was just coming to check on how the two of you are getting along. I get the feeling I came at a bad time," his gaze stayed skeptically planted on Vega's bruised jawline.

"Everything's fine, Admiral, really," she forced a reassuring smile, "We're getting along swimmingly."

"Alright, well, if you do have any problems, you know how to find me," he paused for a moment, offering the lieutenant one more chance to squeal, but received no reply, so he simply shook his head and made his way back toward the door, mumbling under his breath as he went, in his best paternal impression, "I swear, you kids are gonna be the death of me."

When he finally passed the threshold and the door slid shut, Zoe let out an exasperated breath, narrowing her eyes at the pleased expression that Vega was eyeing her with, "You look like the cat that ate the canary. What the fuck are you so happy about?"

"You didn't try to get me thrown out," he crossed his arms and cocked his head to one side, his smug smile refusing to falter.

"So? You didn't tell him I punched you, either," she shrugged, unsure of what else to say.

"Honestly, I was hoping you'd get a few more swings in," he took a step toward her, and she inadvertently took a matching step backward, her mind tugging at her, urging her to retreat.

"I need to take a shower," she skillfully changed the subject, withdrawing back farther, and turning toward the door to the bathroom.

"Ah, so now you're trying to get rid of me," there was that stupid, engaging smile again, "Or are you giving me an invitation?"

"Yes, actually," she retorted, her pace and her heartbeat quickening when she realized her mistake, "I mean, no! I'm not inviting you. Get the hell out of my room, Vega."

He snorted a laugh, "Something tells me you're gonna be taking a very _cold_ shower."

She turned back to him when she reached the door, with a threatening, but playful look. She pulled the elastic from her hair to release her messy bun and let it cascade down her shoulders, the bright locks falling in deep waves, like a plum colored ocean. His breath hitched for a split second. In the two weeks that he'd been there, he'd never seen her take her hair down before, and the way his body reacted caught him by surprise. She noticed the subtle change in his demeanor, and her own smug smile broke through, lighting her eyes that, in the previous few moments, had been shrouded in darkness.

"Looks like you're the one that might need a cold shower, Vega," she stepped into the bathroom and out of sight.

"Hey, I tried to get an invite, didn't I?" he teased, relentlessly.

Shepard leaned out of the door way one last time, staring him down with an expression that read imminent death, "Get. _Out!_ "

"Okay, okay, have it your way," he threw his hands up, defeated, for now.

"And lock the damn door behind you, Lieutenant," she punched the buttons to start the shower as she heard the door glide open outside.

"You got it, Commander," she could just barely hear him laugh one more time, as he finally crossed out of the room.

Of all the soldiers, in all the galaxy, somehow James Vega had found his way to her, at the exact moment in time when she needed someone like him the most. Shepard knew that it was a horrible idea, these feeling that were so quickly starting to blossom inside her. She hadn't even known the lovable idiot for a month yet, and he was her _guard_. There was no way anything would ever happen between them, but to hell if she couldn't at least imagine what it would be like. He was sweet, funny, smart, charismatic, and, occasionally, an insufferable asshole.

_Just like Melloria…_

Shepard leaned against the shower wall, letting the warm water trickle over her goose bumped skin. It wasn't the first time she'd made the connection between the lieutenant and her former lover. The minute he'd stepped into the room, it was like meeting Mel all over again, just in a slightly larger, more muscular form. Zoe, however, was worlds different than she'd been almost fifteen years ago when she'd been introduced to the other woman. She recalled how timid and nervous she'd been when Mel had stepped into the barracks on the first day of basic training. It was something she didn't like to think about, but with someone around that was so eerily similar, it was hard to beat the memories back like she usually did.

Melloria O'Brien had been born to privilege, and it showed in her confident demeanor. Both of her parents were decorated war heroes, and she'd grown up surrounded by the life of a Spacer family. On top of it all, the girl was a vision to behold — fair skinned, tall and lean, with close-cropped hair the color of a shining copper sunrise. Her personality was as bubbly as champagne, but Zoe had quickly learned that when someone crossed her, she could be downright brutal. Shepard found herself wondering if that was just one more characteristic that the two might share. She could easily picture the lieutenant, decked out in heavy armor, storming across a disastrous battlefield, teeth gritted and roaring with passionate fury.

_Holy hell, why are you doing this to yourself, Shepard?_

James wasn't doing much better at restraining his imagination either. She'd been letting him in her room quite frequently, actually requesting his presence, more often than not, and he'd say they were starting to get along surprisingly well. It seemed silly to think that after she'd just slugged him, but somehow he'd understood the rationale behind it.

_She's got one hell of a temper, that's for sure…_

What a woman she had turned out to be. He rubbed absentmindedly at the lump on his jaw, thinking back to the weeks on Omega, before he'd actually met her face to face. He'd had his own share of pent up aggression, that he'd let out by way of overindulging in alcohol, bar brawls, and meaningless one night stands. Most of the time was clouded in a boozy haze, but he would never, no matter how long he managed to live, forget the day that Anderson had yanked him out of that festering hole of a town — only to fling him, without more than a few days warning, into the most difficult job he'd ever been given.

_What. A. Woman._

Though she was only four years his senior, she'd seen so much in her short life. It was apparent in her eyes. Even when they sparkled with unabashed glee, there was a haunted glaze to them — the kind of shadowed depths usually reserved for the old veterans that hung out at the kinds of seedy dives he'd frequented on Omega. How she'd held it together all this time, he could never imagine, and he had a feeling he didn't even know half of it. The grin that pulled at his lips sent a stinging ache pulsing through his cheek, but he only smiled wider. If Commander Zoe Shepard needed a punching bag to break free of whatever was at nagging her, he'd gladly step up to the plate. And he'd be honored to take every swing she could throw at him.

* * *

 

Today was _not_ going to be a good day. Shepard knew it as soon as she'd risen from another bout of fitful slumber. And when she'd received the transmission from Anderson that the paperwork that would officially relieve her from duty had been finally processed, she'd practically boiled over with animosity. If she hadn't been so stock full of simmering outrage, she might have felt pity for the lieutenant, as he strode innocently into the room to visit. He had no idea of the volcanic eruption he was about to step right into.

"Hey, Shepard," James was absentmindedly fiddling with his omni-tool, totally missing the way she was trembling with angst, "Why don't you take a trip into the common room today? You stay hidden away in here all the time. It'd probably do you some good to stretch your legs."

"Not now, Vega," she growled, gnashing her teeth together to contain the screams she wanted to hurl forth.

He finally raised his head to look at her, instantly unnerved by the tensity in her posture, "What's wrong, Commander?"

"It's _**not** 'Commander'_ anymore, dammit. Get it through your thick head, already," Shepard snapped, whipping around to turn her back on him.

James threw his hands up defensively, wrinkling his forehead in confusion, "Damn, what's got you in such a bad mood?"

"The paperwork for my discharge went through today. I'm _officially_ relieved of duty, including my Spectre status, as of a few hours ago," she huffed out a breath through her nose, and squeezed her eyes shut hard to bite back the stinging sensation that burrowed into them.

"I thought they'd already stripped you of your title?" it didn't make sense, why they would wait so long to give her this news.

"Unofficially, yes, but the amount of red tape attached to a discharge draws the process out," she sighed heavily and rolled her neck, the popping and crackling sounds echoing through the air, "I was hoping the admirals would have time before it was finished to work it out in my favor, but Anderson just sent me a message with the _thrilling_ news."

"Shit, I'm sorry," he took a careful step towards her, "Is there anything I can do?"

"Of course not. I knew this was going to happen when I turned myself in. I just didn't expect it to hurt this much."

"It won't stick, there's no way. You're still gonna have a trial, and by that time maybe they'll get it figured out and reinstate you. Everything's gonna be okay, Shepard," he knew better to try and placate her with any kind of physical contact, but he still found himself wanting to reach out and embrace her.

She spun on her heels, her disappointment flaring back to fury as she advance on him, "No, it's _not_ , Lieutenant! You think the Reapers are just going to roll over and give up once they know they won't have me to deal with anymore? On the contrary, they'll come at us stronger than ever and I'm going to be stuck in here, completely helpless to the will of the fucking Council. I should have just let them all die when Saren took the Citadel."

"Don't say shit like that. The guys outside can probably hear every word you're saying," he warned, terror filling him at the thought of her situation turning out even worse if they decided to charge her with communicating threats towards the most powerful force in the galaxy.

"I don't give a _fuck_ anymore. Let the Council _and_ the Alliance do their worst. I'd rather be dead when the Reapers get here, than trapped in this room, unable to fight them," she was practically yelling now, staring savagely at closed door as if she was speaking directly to whomever might be listening in on the other side.

Part of him wanted to retreat from her ferocity, but he also knew there had to be some way to talk her down from this, "Look, just go get yourself a coffee or somethin' from the common room. I've got a call to make real quick, and by the time you get back, I guarantee you'll feel better."

"I'm not sure caffeine is the best idea right now," she looked him over skeptically, "But you're right, it'll probably do me good to get out of this room for a few minutes, at least."

With that, she relented, passing swiftly by him, so close her shoulder brushed his and he felt his breath hitch at the touch. When she was out of sight, he punched a few commands into his omni-tool, making the transmission as brief and quiet as possible. Shepard was back in no time, carrying a cup of steaming black coffee clutched between her lithe hands. Her lips were pursed, blowing on the top of the liquid with soft, light breaths, and when he turned to her, she peered up at him with inquisitive eyes.

"Are… you okay?" she asked hesitantly, raising one perfectly sculpted brow at him.

He obviously hadn't realized he'd been staring at her with a silly, dazed look, and when he started to stutter in response, she found it excruciatingly adorable, "I… uh, yeah, I'm… I'm good."

"Did you make your phone call?" she took a sip, and scrunched her face when the heat nipped at her tongue.

"Yeah," he cleared his throat, "I got clearance to take you out to the courtyard, if you're interested?"

"What? How?" Zoe's head shot up, and she was lucky she hadn't spilled the scalding beverage all over both of them, "Why would you do that?"

"I thought maybe a little fresh air would do you good," he shrugged, "Clear your head, you know? It didn't take much convincing Anderson. I guess since he was the one that had to send you that message, he probably feels pretty bad himself. So, what do you think?"

Surprisingly, Shepard looked more annoyed than excited, "Are you gonna have to follow me around the whole time?"

"Well, yeah, unless you want me to walk in front of you so you can get a better view," he smirked and started towards the door, hoping she'd just give in and follow.

She set her untouched coffee aside, and gave a small chuckle as she trotted up beside him, "Oh, you're funny."

"Hey, I got you smilin' didn't I?" James nudged her lightly with his elbow.

"Yeah… I guess you did."

They walked in silence out of the building, through some of the lesser used passageways, in an attempt to avoid any prying eyes that might get a little to curious about why she was traveling about the corridors unchained. When they finally stepped out into the sunlight, Shepard threw her head back and closed her eyes, soaking in the rays with a serene smile.

"Come on, let's go up there," he motioned towards the long set of stairs that led to a small patch of grass and trees.

She started to simply follow, but when she stepped up next to him on the stairs, she grabbed his arm and side-eyed the lieutenant with an impish expression, "First one to the top?"

Without waiting for him to agree, she shot off, spiriting up the stairs two at a time. He was usually pretty fast, but she'd gotten the jump on him, and easily reached the courtyard several steps ahead, laughing the whole way.

"Damn, Vega," Shepard spun around to watch him finish his assent, her hands on her hips and her chest rising and falling with winded breaths, "I didn't expect you to be so slow."

"Hey, you didn't even give me a chance!" he chuckled as he stepped up beside her.

"Excuses, excuses," she ribbed, poking him teasingly in the stomach, "Come on, let's go have a seat and rest. I haven't ran like that in entirely too long. I'm out of practice."

"What, all that working out and you're still outta shape? No way," he shoved her shoulder gently, and it occurred to him that the way they were taunting and touching each other was very much like the way he used to flirt with girls when he was a teenager — he was out of practice with _that_ kind of thing, but it seemed to come so naturally with her.

"Sit…" Zoe plopped down on the bench at the edge of the courtyard, patting the seat beside her, "I mean, strength training is one thing, but there's not much room for cardio in that little room. Pushups, sit ups, pull ups — those are all a slow build of the heart rate. Cardio is just as important, because it shoots your pulse right up there. Gets the fat burning off faster, leaving room for more muscle build… but something tells me you know all about that."

He'd never discussed working out with a female before, and the way her eyes scanned up and down his body when she said that last sentence sent goosebumps right up his neck, "Yeah, I know a thing or two."

"Thanks for doing this for me, James," she leaned back on the bench and raised her face to the sun again, "I didn't realize how much I needed some fresh air. How long have we got?"

"About an hour, but I don't think they'll lose their shit if we stay out a little longer than curfew," he grinned, turning his head just enough to line her profile up in the corner of his vision.

Her jewel-toned hair glittered in the bright light that beamed down on them, and the corners of her lips were turned up in the barest hint of a grin. She blinked slowly, lethargically, as if she were about to slip into dreams right there in the courtyard. Shepard turned her head to face him, the motion languid, her eyes heavily lidded. In the glimmering sunlight, with that look on her face, she appeared entirely too enticing. It gave him a whole new view of her than any he'd had before.

"How well do you know my past, Lieutenant?" it was an odd question, and he couldn't help but wonder what had made her ask.

"Uh, not all that well. They keep that part of your record pretty well hidden," he cleared his throat and thought for a second, "I know you were an orphan, and you grew up in New York."

"Yeah, you mentioned the orphan part, but is that all you know?" she sat up a bit, uncharacteristically ready to talk about things she'd normally never wanted to share before.

"That's about it. You were bounced from home to home. And I know that some time during those years, you joined the Tenth Street Reds. Then, when you turned eighteen, you left for the military, and you haven't been back home since," he was becoming increasingly curious as to where she was going with this line of conversation.

"Well, the Reds thing is actually just a rumor. I ran with them, for a while, but I never actually joined them. My best friend — the one whose grandmother I mentioned — her name was Selene. She got me mixed up in that mess, tried for years to convince me to join. She was their top hacker… she even taught me a little bit, but I was never very good at it," she scoffed, her mind pulling forth memories of being cussed by Selene on more than one occasion for locking up an ATM terminal they were trying to score from, "But, I mean even farther back than that… how I became an orphan."

"I always assumed your parents died or something. There's so many stories going around, it's hard to figure out which one's the truth," Vega was really intrigued now, and excited by her willingness to share this part of herself with him.

"No, it wasn't anything so glamours as a couple loving parents who died to protect their dear offspring," she shook her head, her smile melting into a deep frown that creased her forehead, "And I wasn't just some abandoned baby either… I was seven when my parents gave me up."

"What?" he balked, "Why the hell would someone give up a seven year old?"

She shrugged lightly, casting her gaze to the ground, "They were ridiculously rich. I can still remember the house we grew up in. It was huge and right on the coast, overlooking the ocean. I had everything a kid could ever wish for, except my parents. They were always gone… or, when they were there, they were distant. My mom used to tell me she never wanted to be a mother. She never outright told me I was a burden, but she didn't have to, I could feel it in the way she looked at me."

James' chest tightened at the pain in her honesty. He didn't quite understand why she was confessing this, and he wasn't sure what to say, so he just let her continue without commenting.

"My dad owned a factory that specialized in the production of ID chips, biotic amps, and a slew of other technology, but they got tired of staying in one place. They wanted to travel, but they didn't want to take me with them…"

His jaw dropped in disbelief, "Couldn't they have just left you with a nanny or a relative or something?"

"Are you kidding? That would have been a waste of money, as far as my father was concerned. Easier just to leave me with the state, and let them work it out… that way, I wouldn't be there to worry about when they finally got back from whatever they were doing out there in space," she rubbed her hand over her face and let out a breath, "Besides… when they found out I was a biotic… they were scared of me. My dad used to tell me that I was abnormal, a freak of nature. They were afraid that when I got older I wouldn't be able to control myself, and I'd wreck their precious worldly possessions."

"Dios, Shepard, that's fuckin' rough," he clenched his teeth, suddenly overcome with the urge to find these people and give them the shake down that they deserved for putting her through such heartache.

"The icing on the cake… they didn't even tell me what they were planning. They were just gone one morning, and when I went downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast, there was a note, sitting under a banana…" a bitter chuckle escaped her throat at the vivid recollection of that day, "It said _'Zoe, A nice man will be here to collect you shortly. Don't take any of mommy and daddy's things when you leave. Take care… Gloria.'_ She didn't even sign the letter as 'mom'…"

The lieutenant shifted nervously in his seat, and she must have noticed the change in his demeanor because the frown dissipated quickly from her face, transitioning to a look of utter bewilderment.

"I'm sorry, I… I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this, I just…" she hesitated, rubbing the back of her neck anxiously.

"It's cool. I mean, I'll be honest, don't really get why you're telling me either, but it does kinda explain some things. Look, I'll always be here when you need to get things off your chest, no matter what it is," James gave her a reassuring nod, but she didn't look convinced.

"Thanks," she breathed another strained laugh, "You must think I'm insane, the way I keep jumping from one personality to the next. Punching you in the face and then spilling my sad backstory on you all in a matter of days…"

"Nah, you're just under a ton of stress, I get it," he nudged his shoulder into hers, "Besides, the other guards got a pretty big kick out of it when I told them you slugged me. They said I was pretty lucky to still have all my fingers after what you did to that Middleton guy."

"Yeah, I… don't know what that was about, either. I don't usually lose myself like that," she squinted upwards into the sun, "I think it had something to do with what I was thinking about before it happened… or, _who_ I was thinking about…"

He knit his brow curiously, still hungry for her to let forth even more of her secrets, "Who?"

Shepard smirked, but shook her head, "Nah, that's a story for another time, maybe… Right now, I think I've had enough fresh air for the day."

"Okay, so what do you wanna do now?"

"Be alone… and read," she confessed with a forlorn sigh.

"Alright then, lets make it happen," he stood, offering his hand to help pull her to her feet.

Zoe slid her fingers over his palm and he felt an unmistakable pulse of electricity jolt through his skin where she touched. And when she stood, James couldn't help but notice, at such close proximity, how much shorter she was than him. The top of her head was just barely level with his nose, and he had a fleeting thought that if he were ever to kiss her, she'd have to stand on her tip toes to reach his lips.

_Dammit, pendejo, cut that shit out…_

She cast a glance over his shoulder, and her expression flashed back to mischievous, "Race you back to the bottom?"

"Yeah, okay," he smirked down at her, "But this time, you play fair."


	6. On The Brink

"You've got to be kidding me," Zoe scoffed, "I don't care how many pounds you can bench press, a krogan would rip you in half if you got that close with no armor on. And after you insulted his _mother_? You realize that's kind of a sensitive subject to them, right?"

James shrugged one massive shoulder, "He was being an asshole. Shouldn't dish it out if you can't take it."

He sat leaned back in the rolling chair, one foot slung up on the desk, his arms crossed in front of him, looking as arrogant as ever. Zoe, on the other hand, was sprawled on her side across the width of the bed, one hand propping her head up as she listened to his ridiculously exaggerated stories. It was an enticing scene, and it took everything inside him to push back the inappropriate thoughts that swam through his brain. He was obviously trying to impress her with his bravery and wit. Also, apparently, the lieutenant loved to talk about himself, especially the crazy stunts he pulled during combat, some of it far too insane to even be made up. It was a miracle he'd come out of most of it alive, but she supposed she could say the same about herself.

They'd gotten pretty close in the past two months since his arrival — not that they had a lot of other company besides each other — and Zoe found him a maddening combination of charm and conceit. The flirting he'd only dabbled at before had intensified quite a bit since the day she'd decked him. It was off-putting at first, something she'd never really experienced, especially given the fact that she actually enjoyed the banter, but eventually she'd relented and started playing along. She couldn't help but admit to herself that he was distinctly unlike any marine she'd ever met, with the exception of one in particular.

The rare moments when he wasn't around, she found her mind wandering to thoughts of him, going over conversations they'd had. She often wondered if this whole flirtation was just a way to pass the time or if there might actually be some sincere attraction on his end. She wasn't an officer anymore, probably never would be again if the Council had their way, so considering a future of settling down wasn't as off the table as it had been. Usually, though, she'd push those thoughts aside. There was absolutely no way a soldier as dedicated as James Vega was going to pursue any kind of relationship with a discharged commander — even one he may have looked up to in the past — let alone one he'd been sent by the Alliance to guard. But at least they could have some fun until the day he eventually moved on to bigger and better things, leaving her behind like so many others had before him.

The lieutenant had some similar ideas, though he'd never fess up to them, not even to himself. The moment she'd let her hair down, the pain stinging through his jaw, adrenaline roaring in his ears, he knew he was a goner. It might have been even farther back than that, possibly to the moment he'd laid eyes on her the first day. But it had been that exact instance when it really became clear. She wasn't a commander anymore, no longer his superior, which made her fair game, so to speak. He was smart enough to know, however, that Shepard was the very definition of a free spirit. She'd never let herself be corralled by a relationship, though that would never be his intention. He knew what most women like her thought about men like him.

No matter how far from the truth, it would be a fight and a half to convince her otherwise. Besides, fraternization with a prisoner was, without a doubt, a highly punishable offense. And ever since he'd really gotten to know her, his determination to be the best soldier he could be had reawakened. It seemed Anderson was right after all. So, he resigned himself to simply flirt as long as he could, until the day she was eventually released, or he was reassigned to a different position.

A silence had spread between them, and they realized simultaneously that they were staring each other down. Zoe was the first to break the stalemate, rolling onto her stomach and planting her face in the mattress.

"You tired or somethin'?" she could practically _hear_ him grin, that fucking grin that was eventually going to kill her, she was sure.

"What do I have to be tired for? I don't _do_ anything all day. The only thing I'm tired of is this room," her words were almost unintelligible, the thick comforter muffling her voice, but doing its job to hide the blush that had spread like wildfire across her cheeks.

"Sorry, are my tales of awesome heroics making you all hot and bothered to see some action?"

"Probably not the kind of action you're thinking of."

"What? I was thinking of a rumble on the battlefield. Are we talkin' a roll in the hay? Because, I mean, we _can_ make _that_ happen, you just say the word, bella," he leaned forward, dropping his elevated foot to the floor, and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, "Of course, we'd have to be discrete about it."

She peaked out from under her arm just in time to catch the gesture, and met it with a pillow tossed hard at his face, "You are so full of shit!"

"Ha! Your cheeks are almost as colorful as your hair. Maybe you should dye it red next, that's a good color on you," his boisterous laughter echoed off the metallic walls.

Shepard rolled across the bed and swung her legs off the edge, "You must have really liked getting punched in the face, because right now it's like you're begging me to do it again."

"Oh, I'm beggin', alright," he lobbed the pillow back at her, his voice a sultry growl, "I like a little pain with my pleasure."

"I can never tell if you're fucking with me," she caught the sack and threw it to the head of the mattress, avoiding his gaze.

"I'm just messin' with you, querida," he sat back again, easing into the seat, "I don't mean anything by it."

"You're 'just messing with me', but, so far these past few weeks, I've been hermosa, bella, querida, and a slew of other things that you probably don't think I know the meaning of," she was starting to question his and her ability to ever stop smiling, and it was beginning to make her cheeks ache, "I don't know if you're aware, but I grew up in East Harlem… and I'm half Puerto Rican, _hombre. Sooo,_ it seems you're sending me some very mixed signals, here."

"It's not like that, I swear," the smirk finally saw its end, melting into a anxious clench of his jaw, "Even if it was, I'm sure they wouldn't take too kindly to fraternization with prisoners, so..."

" _Right_ ," she rolled her eyes and forced a laugh, "Good excuse."

He suddenly looked very confused, and more than a little nervous, "What, you tryin' to say you'd be interested... if the, uh, situation was different?"

"Huh? No! No way," she shook her head rapidly, feigning an incredulous expression, "I mean, you're a great guy and all, but you're not exactly… _my type_ , if you catch my drift."

"You mean, you're a... you like..." he stammered, unsure of which terms would be appropriate.

"I prefer the company of other women," she stated plainly, desperately hoping it wasn't obvious that she was lying through her teeth.

She wasn't _exactly_ lying. She did, in fact, enjoy the company of women, but not necessarily over that of men. What he didn't know couldn't hurt him, though, and she reasoned that him knowing only a fraction of the truth would protect them both in the future.

James cleared his throat, his discomfort palpable, "Well, if you want me to back off..."

" _No_ , please," she struggled to mask the desperation in her voice, "It's fun, it keeps my mind off things."

"Alright, if you insist," he pushed himself up from his seat, wondering if she knew how obvious it was that she was spinning a story in an attempt to keep him at arms length, "Maybe I can change your mind one day."

_Did he just wink? Shit, what is wrong with me?_

Zoe fell back on the bed, a wave of exhaustion sweeping over her, seemingly out of nowhere, "Keep dreaming Vega. Which reminds me, it's bed time."

"Yeah, I'm gonna head out. The night guard'll be here soon anyway," he made his way to the door, glad his back was to her so she missed the disappointment clouding his face, "Goodnight, Shepard."

All she wanted to do in that brief moment was stop him, pull him back in the room, and confess her dishonesty, but the only thing she could manage, as he stepped into the hall, was a softly whispered, "Goodnight, James…"

* * *

 

Vega slapped his cards face up on the table, "Ha! Full house! Gotcha again, Shepard! Ya know, you're kinda terrible at this."

"I know, poker has never been my strong point," she was lying again, "Good thing we're not playing with real credits, you would have wiped me out by now."

She was actually terrific at poker, but she had grown too found of the way he carried himself when he was proud. The brig was always so gloomy, but something about that cheeky grin, and the way he'd puff his chest out just a little more, lit the place up brighter than the artificial lights on the Citadel.

"I hear your trial is coming up pretty soon," he scooped up the cards, shuffling them expertly a couple times before dealing them out again, "Oh, and I've been trying like hell to talk Anderson into letting you on the range. No luck so far."

"I appreciate the effort," she traced the edge of the table with her slender fingers and let out a heavy sigh, "It's probably for the best. If I go into that trial fresh out of firing a few off, it might not come out in my best interests. I tend to let my temper get the best of me."

"No shit," he snorted a laugh, picking up his cards and ordering them in his hand, his brow scrunched in thought, "At least they finally admitted you're not an escape risk."

"They should have realized that four months ago when I got here and swore I wasn't going anywhere," she picked up her hand and scanned it's contents with guarded eyes.

_Two Aces, maybe I should actually try to win this one._

"Trust issues," he tossed a couple cards on the table and replaced them from the deck, "You need any?"

She plucked out the Aces and slid them across to him, "Two."

"You may be bad at this, but you've got one hell of a poker face. I can never get a read on you."

"What can I say? I'm a conundrum," she cast a sultry glance over her cards, "So, you in?"

"Oh, you know it, querida. Let's start at 100 creds."

"Hmm," she squinted, pretending to think over the value of the pair of threes she was holding, "I'll see that, and raise you double."

"Damn, too rich for my blood. I gotta fold on this one, chica," he dropped the cards, revealing a pair of eights.

"Looks like I got _you_ this time," she put her hand face-down, discreetly.

"Come on, show 'em," he urged.

"No, I don't want you to know how bad I beat you, it might wound your delicate ego," she ribbed.

"Please, it'll take a lot more than…" he swiped the cards up before she could stop him, "A pair of threes? That's a hell of a bluff, Shepard. Now I gotta see what you got rid of."

She lunged to grab them, but he was too quick for her, "It was just a couple of crap cards."

He brandished the two she'd discarded before, "Since when is a pair of Aces a couple of crap cards?"

"Aren't they the lowest ones in the deck?" she could tell her 'bewildered' face was unconvincing.

"You were letting me win this whole time, weren't you?" he relaxed back into his seat and crossed his bulky arms, "You're a real piece of work, Shepard."

"No way, I'm just... really, _really_ bad at poker, I swear," she stood and pushed the chair in.

"Done already? After all that, you don't expect me to give up without seeing what you're actually made of, do you?"

"You wanna see what I'm really made of, get me on that shooting range," she crossed to the desk and picked up one of the numerous data pads that lay strewn about, "Or better yet, get me into some actual combat."

"It won't be long, Shep, you'll be back out there," he assured, sounding positively convinced, "I probably won't be there to see it, but I'd give every credit I have to my name for that kind of opportunity."

"No. You don't want that kind of life," she shook her head, a sadness visibly weighing on her shoulders, "It sounds glamorous when you hear about it in the headlines, but when you're actually there... when you actually live it... it's brutal. All the choices, the loss, the regret... Only a fucking masochist would want to be part of my crew."

"Well, I did say I like a little pain with my pleasure," he rose and joined her at the desk, "Besides, I've seen combat like that. I've lost people too. I've regretted decisions. Sure, you may have a little more experience under your belt, but we're more alike than you think."

She kept her eyes trained on the data pad, avoiding his gaze with every ounce of her will, "Something tells me you haven't lost people like I have."

"Who was she?"

Had it been that obvious? She'd never talked about Mel, and what happened on Akuze. Aside from the aftermath, when she had to give the report, not a word of the account had escaped her lips. She wasn't sure if she would ever be ready to talk about it. Then again, no one had ever really asked. She could feel that familiar pull, the verbal flood raging and ready to break through the dam she'd spent so many years building up around her heart.

"Her name was Melloria... Mel," she sat the data pad down and leaned against the desk, palms flat and head dropped low, "We were in basic together, friends from the very first day."

When she hesitated, he pressed for more, "What happened to her?"

"I... I don't want to talk about it," she'd thought she was ready, but it proved too much to face, "She's not around anymore, lets leave it at that."

"Did she leave you or is she..."

"I _don't_ want to talk about it," she barked.

"Okay, I'm sorry," he said, sincerely.

"It's fine," she shook her head rapidly, clearing the thoughts from her brain, "I've learned through the years that the best way to survive is to push back those types of memories. You bury them, deep, as far down as you can. It makes it easier to make the really hard decisions."

"You can't bury that stuff forever, Shepard," he placed a comforting hand cautiously on her back, and could feel her tense up under his palm, but she didn't slink away this time, "Doing that's gonna tear you apart. You gotta let it out. Let someone else in. Whatever you do, don't let it make you cold."

 _ **Don't** cry, Shepard Don't you _ dare _fucking cry._

She'd been trapped in this place for too damn long, and it was getting to her. Her barriers were weak, her walls were crumbling. She'd already confessed too much, let him be privy to things she's only shared with a select few in the past. Vulnerability had always been her worst fear. She was getting to know him too well, liking him entirely too much to keep a comfortable distance. The young lieutenant had already become unbearably more than just that friendly face she'd been hoping for. It was like Kaidan all over again. She was lonely, and letting herself lead him on to sate her desire for intimacy. The only difference — she actually would have willingly pursued this, if there'd been any chance of it going anywhere.

 _Anyone who gets that close to me may as well have a sign around their neck that says 'Dead Man Walking'_ , her words to Garrus came unexpectedly flooding back to her.

"I appreciate your concern, Lieutenant, but I need you to do me a favor," she straightened herself up and breathed in deeply, "Give me some time alone."

"What do you mean?" he dropped his hand, dismay billowing over him like a storm cloud.

"I mean I need some time to myself," she turned her back on James, trying hard to quell the self-hatred and grief that was encompassing her, "Just leave me alone for a while, okay?"

"If that's really what you want," he backed up slowly, inching reluctantly towards the door.

"It's what I need. I'm sorry, James," she wouldn't even turn her face to him.

"Fine, have it your way," he spun around, his boots thudding hard against the floor as he stormed away, "If you need me, you know where I'll be."

Vega had never been good at making friends, going back all the way to childhood. If he was being honest, in his preteen years, he'd been a bit of a bully. Pressures from his father, mostly, to be the big man, led him to actively seek out fights. It wasn't until he was well into his teen years that he'd turned that around, using his drastic size advantage to shake down the bullies instead of the weaker kids they liked to target. When he'd found himself at the end of his rope, the military had been there with open arms, unconcerned about his past as long as he was willing to give his all for the cause. But he'd never predicted this, couldn't possibly have seen her coming. Their friendship had grown to be the most important thing in his life and he desperately hoped he hadn't ruined it by crossing some kind of unseen boundary.

The fact that she'd plainly stated she wasn't interested did no good to quell his overwhelming desire to protect her. This was a woman he'd looked up to for years before he'd ever even laid eyes on her in the flesh. Now that he knew her, the best parts and the worst, his need to blanket her in some form of refuge from her insane life had only intensified. She wouldn't be his partner in the way he'd never admit he wanted, but she'd come as close to family, in those past few months, as he ever let himself get to any one person. He wondered, as he took his place outside her door, if she'd ever had a person like that in her life — someone who wanted nothing else than to shield her from the chaos, without asking anything in return.

Well after he'd departed, Shepard stayed frozen in place. She wasn't sure how long she just stood there, or why her legs seemed to be made out of concrete. All she knew was that she regretted her request as soon as she'd uttered it. She'd been trapped in this room for almost five months, and if it hadn't been for that man she'd just exiled from her presence… well, she didn't really want to think about where she'd be mentally. She'd almost gone crazy with him there, but if he'd never shown up at all, something told her she'd have been a lot worse off at that point.

_Whatever, it doesn't matter… I survived in here for weeks before he came along. I've never needed anyone to keep me sane before, I don't need it now._

* * *

 

Shepard paced the floor for what had to have been the hundredth time in the past two weeks. She'd dealt fine with the isolation before the lieutenant had come along, just pushing it to the back of her mind. But once she'd been reminded of how nice it was to have human contact — someone she could actually call a friend — convincing herself that she wasn't constantly lonely was impossible. She was hard-headed as hell, though, and working up the will to swallow her pride and invite him back in proved an even more impossible task. Today, however, she'd reached her breaking point. Her visions the night before brought her out of sleep shaking and sweating, and nearly screaming this time. It was Akuze again, but in this version of the reoccurring dream, she had been the one to perish, ripped to shreds by a bloodthirsty thresher maw, while Mel looked on, frozen in place, unable to reach her.

She was just about to mash the door control when a voice came over the intercom above her head, "Hey, Shepard, I need to talk to you."

So far during those weeks, she'd only opened the door for him to deliver her meals to her, and even then sometimes she'd refuse and simply go without. Suddenly, she was rethinking her resolve to see him again. Her palms grew damp and she could feel her heartbeat pick up speed, triggered by the low, gravely sound of his voice. She knew these feelings too well for comfort. They were the exact feelings that Mel had invoked so long ago, come back to haunt her, but she had to remind herself that she wasn't the same person she was back then. She had been through too much, was angrier, and much more jaded. The more she got to know him, the more of Mel she saw there and it was killing her inside. Like her former lover had been, he was ready to live, ready to fight, hungry for the chaos, and the exact opposite of everything she'd grown to be. Zoe was getting older, exhausted, feeling uncharacteristically ready to settle into the peace of death — permanently this time. If they did ever let her out, she wasn't sure if she'd even be able to get back into the swing of it. How much fight did she really have left, after giving so much, thanklessly, for so long?

"Shepard? Look, I know you're probably still upset, but this is important."

She'd gotten lost in her memories, but the urgency in his tone pulled her back to reality. Without hesitation, she pressed the door control to allow him entry. Her face was a mask of indifference, but his was clouded with worry.

He shot past her into the room with a nod of thanks, "Didn't think you were gonna budge for a minute there."

"Sorry, I was getting dressed," another lie, on top of all the others.

"Damn, hate I missed that," there was that smug grin again, but she met it with a stern glare, "My bad. Old habits die hard."

As much as she craved it, she wasn't in the mood for the banter, "So, what's this important thing you have to talk to me about?"

"Honestly, I'm not a hundred precent sure what's going on, but something has Anderson and a handful of the other officers in a tailspin. I can't get him to give me any details, but whatever it is, it's serious enough to have them all up in arms," he edged back against the desk, his posture casual despite his concerned tone.

"Got any ideas what it could be?" she was skeptical, but curious.

"Not really, but if there's anything that's making me feel like the shit is really about to hit the fan, it's what I overheard about you."

" _Me?_ What do I have to do with anything? I've been stuck in here the whole time!" she advanced towards him, another bout of ferocity threatening to surface.

"Nothing like what you're thinking," he raised a hand to stay her, "I wasn't really supposed to be listening to the conversation, so you can't say I told you, but Anderson was talking to one of the other admirals about letting you out."

"What?!" her eyes flew wide.

In that first second, she was thrilled at the news, but then it hit her like a punch to the gut. If there were talks of freeing her, whatever this was, it was big, and most likely very dangerous.

"Are you sure about what you heard?" she took another step toward him, eyebrows furrowed with doubt, "I mean, _really_ sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive," he nodded for emphasis, "Look, I'm not just trying to get your hopes up, I know what I heard. But they're not just letting you out for the hell of it. They need you for whatever's brewing out there. I wish I knew more, but I just wanted to give you a heads up."

"Thanks, James," she relaxed her posture, "I owe you one."

"So, does that mean you're gonna start hangin' out with me again?" he grinned, "It gets pretty boring just sitting out there all day."

"Hmm, I don't know," she pursed her lips, the news of her impending freedom brightening her spirits a bit, "You may have to sweet talk me a little before we can call a truce."

He pushed away from the desk and sauntered forward. When he was just inches from her, he lowered his lips to her ear, his breath tickling the flesh on the nape of her neck. He drug his finger tips up her bare arm, gentle and slow. Shepard could feel goosebumps spring up instinctively under his touch, prickling along every inch of her body. The effect of the caress wasn't lost on James, but he couldn't have said what possessed him to be so bold.

"Mi quierda, tu me vuelves loco," his words were hot against her skin and she stifled the overwhelming urge to pin him to the wall.

Instead, she rolled her eyes and stepped away, "I bet you say that to all the girls."

"Nah, no one's ever driven me quite as crazy as you," he backed up as well, shooting her with a playful wink, "So, was that good enough to warrant a truce?"

"I don't know, I may need you to do that a few more times before I'm convinced," she was teasing, of course, but he started towards her again, causing her to throw her hands up to halt the advance, "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Truce, uncle, I give."

"You sure? 'Cause I got plenty more where that came from," he wanted to make her squirm a little more, but it seemed as if she was about to cut and run, and he sent out a silent prayer that he hadn't scared her off completely.

_How can that smirk of his just keep getting cockier?_

Shepard rolled her eyes again and turned away from him. Taking a seat at the table, she pulled the playing cards from their place on the bookshelf and brandished them in his direction.

"Up for a game?"

"Only if you promise not to hold back this time," he joined her in the opposite seat.

"Oh, I won't," the slick cards fluttered through her fingers as she shuffled the deck and began to deal.

They relaxed back into pleasantries as if there'd never been a previous altercation, but as they played and talked and laughed, Zoe's mind was abuzz with the one word that had circled there for years now.

_They're coming, this is it. It's only a matter of time… Fucking **Reapers**._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Mi quierda, tu me vuelves loco - My dear, you drive me crazy
> 
> Just a note: I don't speak Spanish, and I don't have anyone to ask about translations, but I did do as much research as I could to make sure the translation is correct. If you ever notice any discrepancies when I use Spanish, don't be shy in correcting me! I'd rather have to change it than have it wrong. Coming up in the next chapter - the main plot of the game finally begins to unfold. Hope to see you there! ^.^


	7. And So It Begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, so we've finally reached the meat of the main story now! I do occasionally use some dialogue from the game but usually I incorporate a little poetic license and change things around to better fit Zoe's characteristics. So, ya know, if you read anything that looks familiar, I don't own it, I didn't technically write it and all the other "please don't sue me for copywrite infringement" hullabaloo. But, I felt like some of the scenes were important for building up the story and character dynamics to a certain degree... Anywaaaay, as always, I hope you enjoy this chapter and have a lovely day!

Something about today was different; Shepard could feel it in her bones as soon as she rose from bed that morning. The strangest thing about it all — it was almost nine o'clock and James was nowhere to be found. She'd searched the commons room, asked around to all the guards, but no one seemed to know anything regarding his whereabouts. They were acting unquestionably strange though, all shifty eyes and nervous twitching, as if they were privy to some disturbing secret. It put Zoe on edge, and she was growing increasingly concerned about the reason for the lieutenant's unexplained absence. She paced the floor of her room, attempting to busy her mind by scanning over the news on her data pads.

_He's always here by seven, sharp… I hope he's alright…_

She crossed to the large window, searching for any sign of unrest in the outside world, but everything looked eerily peaceful. A shuttle zoomed by above, and there was even a little boy playing out in the grassy courtyard. She'd seen the kid out there more than once over the past six months, and she always found herself wondering about his parents. They must be soldiers, but were they ever around? Did they give him love and attention, or were they as distant as her own had been — leaving him to his own devices and considering him more of a burden than a blessing?

She had a strange desire to ask him those questions, to reassure him that he was important, and that _someone_ cared, even if his own parents didn't. Considering he child and his potential familial situation was an unwelcome distraction, but a distraction nonetheless. Shepard had become so deeply lost in thought that she barely even noticed when heavy boot steps tromped into the room behind her.

"Hey, Commander," Vega's words pulled her back to reality and she spun around in time to see him give her a short salute, "Sorry I'm late, but I've got some news."

"I thought we'd gotten passed this, James," she quirked a brow at him, "You're not supposed to call me that any more."

"Yeah, well, I'm not supposed to salute you either," he crossed his arms in front of his chest and mimicked her expression.

"Okay, so, what's going on?" she crossed back to the desk, tossing the data pad down, as she searched his face curiously, "You look nervous… _everyone_ looks nervous."

"The defense committee wants to see you," he informed, making a move towards the door, "We should probably get going. Whatever it is, it's important."

"Great…" Shepard felt a tightening in her chest at his words, "I've got a bad feeling about this."

"Me too," he motioned for her to follow him out, "Come on."

"What, no cuffs this time?" she smirked, kicking into a jog to match his quick pace.

"Not this time," he wasn't being his usual cheeky self, and it was only serving to unnerve her more.

She caught his bicep to stop the lieutenant, turning him towards her and narrowing her eyes on his, "Do you think this has something to do with what we talked about a few weeks ago?"

"I don't know, Shepard," the look on his face told her he was a little more sure than he let on, "Maybe you should ask him."

James pointed down the hallway, and when Zoe's gaze landed on the area that he indicated, her heart seized up once again. Anderson was shoving his way through the bustling crowd in their direction, fitted to the nines in his dress blues. She hadn't seen the man in months, not since his brief stopover to check on how she and James were getting along, and he looked even more frazzled than usual. The admiral's presence didn't comfort her as it normally did. Something about this whole situation was off in a way that made Shepard's stomach fill with knotted tension.

"Anderson," she greeted him informally, bounding towards him with noticeable apprehension painted across her features, "What's going on?"

"Admiral," Vega stepped up behind them and gave a professional salute, "We were just on our way to meet with the committee."

"Come with me, I'll explain on the way," Anderson said simply, turning and leading them down the long corridor, "You look good, Shepard. Maybe a little soft around the edges. How've you been holding up since being relieve from duty?"

It was a question he hadn't bothered to ask since the paperwork went through, and it took her by surprise, "It _sucks_ … but it's not so bad once you get used to the hot food and soft beds. Though, something tells me you didn't come here just to check up on me. Cut to the chase, David."

"Admiral Hackett is mobilizing the fleets. I'm guessing word's made it to Alliance command. Something big is headed our way," his tone was entirely too calm, given the panic that seemed to be setting in all around them — people were darting back and forth like rats searching for higher ground during a flood, but the admiral was cool and collected.

"With all due respect, sir, you're being vague, and I think I know why," Zoe paused mid-step as they ascended the stairs, forcing the older man to stop as well, "It's the Reapers, isn't it?"

"We don't know, not for certain," his expression gave away his unsuccessful attempt at rationalization.

"What else could it be?" she was reaching her wits end with him, and the rest of the upper brass — their blatant refusal to accept the obvious was threatening to break her patience once and for all.

"If I knew that…" the hesitance in his voice only made her more sure in her suspicions.

"You know we're not ready if it is them, not by a long shot," she sprinted up the steps to his level, "Why have they waited so long to do something? They've seen this coming for weeks now."

"How do you know that?" he eyed her suspiciously for a moment, but turned and continued on.

"I… heard some gossip among the guards," she lied, casting an apologetic glance at James before making her way up the staircase to fall into step with the Admiral, "Look, unless we're planning to talk the Reapers to death, the committee is a waste of time."

Behind them, the lieutenant could clearly hear the exchange, and he had to stifle an amused snort at Shepard's brazen rebuke. She was obviously tired of the run around that Anderson was giving her, and he could tell from her mannerisms and tone that she was two seconds away from losing her cool entirely.

"They're just scared," the admiral replied, "None of them have seen what you've seen. You faced down a Reaper. Hell, you spoke to one, then blew the damn thing up. You've seen how they harvest us, what they plan to do to us. You know more about this enemy than anyone."

"Is that why they grounded me, took away my ship?" her voice rose in agitation, garnering several inquisitive glances from the officers around them.

Anderson stopped in his tracks and spun around to confront her, "You know that's not true. When you blew up the Batarian Relay, hundreds of thousands of batarians _died_."

"Yeah, and you _know_ why I did it. I didn't have a choice, David. If I'd let it go, the Reapers would have just waltzed in through our back door!" she hissed through her teeth.

"I know that Shepard, and so does the committee," the admiral was painfully aware he'd hit a nerve, "If it wasn't for that you would have been court-martialed and left to rot in the brig as soon as you turned yourself in."

"That and your good word," she replied, only slightly sarcastically.

"Yeah, I trust you, Shepard, and so does the committee," he was obviously trying to pacify her now — she knew good and well what the committee's opinion of her, and it was anything but trusting.

"I've done all I could to convince them, I don't know what else there is left to say. I'm just a soldier, Anderson, I'm not a politician," she shook her head, wanting no part of these formalities she was about to be drug through.

_Just give me my damn ship and my guns and set me loose, it's not that hard._

"I don't need you to be either," he started off again, motioning for her to follow, "I just need you to do whatever it takes to stop the Reapers."

The trepidation among the officers was palpable as they entered through the sliding doors. Shepard felt her jaw lock in frustration at the sight of them all scurrying around frantically.

_If they'd only listened to begin with…_

A short redhead greeted them as they crossed over the threshold, "They're expecting you two, Admiral."

_No shit._

Why did these people always bring the smart ass out in her? At least she was usually successful at keeping it at bay. They followed the woman down the hall, and when Anderson stopped to check in with another officer, James approached her from behind. She'd almost forgotten he'd been trailing them the whole time. Her defenses were up and she was starting to feel the rush of excitement that an impending battle always brought on.

"Good luck in there, Shepard," he offered his hand for a shake, and she obliged, "Looks like this is it."

"Who knows, maybe they'll get me in there and pretend nothing's wrong, then lock me back up," she smirked, "I'll probably see you again by dinner."

"I don't think it's gonna be that simple," he wanted to return the smile, but his anxiety over the whole thing was winning out over his usual snark, "Just… be careful out there."

"I will," she reached out and gave his forearm a reassuring squeeze, "It was a honor being guarded by you, Lieutenant. You be careful too, okay?"

He nodded stoically in reply, his eyes clouded and unreadable, "Will do, Commander."

She wished desperately he could go with her, knowing she could use a soldier like him on her side, and her words spilled from her mouth before she could stop them, "James… I'll mi—"

Her sentiment was cut short as a familiar voice called out to her back, "Shepard!"

She spun on her heels, making no attempt to mask her surprise, " _Ashley?_ "

Anderson approached the tall brunette, "Lieutenant Commander, how'd it go in there?"

"I can never tell with them. I'm just waiting for orders now," even with all the distance that had grown between them, seeing Ashley again in all her dutiful glory was a breath of fresh air.

"Lieutenant Commander?" Zoe eyed her old friend with a look of surprise and pride, reluctantly stepping away from James without risking another glance back.

"You hadn't heard?" Anderson asked, his tone sincere, but she could have sworn he was ribbing her.

"No, I'm a bit out of the loop these days," her eyes threatened to roll right across the floor.

"Sorry, ma'am, didn't mean to keep you out of the loop," Ash was as formal as ever.

"I'm sure you had your reasons," Shepard shrugged, unconcerned.

"Yeah, I guess I did. Still, it's good to see you," those words, and the honest tone, were quite a surprise, if Zoe was being honest with herself.

"Admiral," the redhead approached again and motioned for them to proceed.

"Come on," Anderson fell in step behind her, and Zoe chanced a final look towards the lieutenant, raising a hand to wave goodbye.

It hurt to see her go, but she was doing what she was born to do, and Vega would be damned if he was going to stand in her way.

James approached the stately brunette, his curiosity peaked by the obvious familiarity between the two women, "You know the Commander?"

"I used to," she was still watching the others depart, her words coated with a hint of melancholy.

"What do you know about her?" he asked, wondering just how familiar they were, exactly.

"She's a strong woman. There was a time I really looked up to her," she turned and gave Vega a skeptical once over, "That was years ago, though. We're both different now, I imagine."

"She's probably not as different as you think," he crossed his arms defensively.

"What makes _you_ so sure, soldier?" her tone was biting.

He just shrugged, "She's got a lot of regrets. But she wants what she's always wanted — to make a difference."

"Yeah," Ashley scoffed, "That's what I'm worried about. Gets her in trouble every time."

* * *

 

How James had ended up aboard the Normandy was still a bit of a blur. Once the Reapers hit, everything had gone by so fast, that the events weren't immediately clinging to his memory banks. It was like being on the verge of blackout drunk, losing snippets of time here and there. He could vaguely remember an explosion at some point, being pulled at the collar by the lieutenant commander through piles of rubble and debris, as a cacophony of screams swelled through the smoke-filled atmosphere. He was pacing the shuttle bay when Ashley approached him.

"How are you doing?" she clutched his arm to steady him.

"Where's Shepard? Is she alright?" he couldn't conceal the panicked tone in his voice, no matter how hard he tried.

The LC gave a firm nod, "She's with Anderson. We pinpointed their location and we're en route to them right now."

He allowed himself a sigh of relief, "Good."

"Go have a seat, Lieutenant. You don't look well," her eyes were dark with concern, "I'll make sure she gets in okay."

"Thanks, ma'am," James pushed himself to salute her, and headed towards the back of the bay.

"Vega? Is that you?" a familiar voice called from the direction of the communications terminal.

"Oh, shit! Esteban?" the lieutenant quickened his pace, "What the hell are you doin' here?"

"Just a streak of good luck. When the Normandy was impounded, I was brought in to help with the retrofitting. It's so good to see you, man!" the pilot scooped his old friend up in a tight hug, clapping him on the back hard, before releasing him and holding him out to arms length, "You look like hell."

"Yeah, I'm pretty shaken up, I ain't gonna lie. It's chaos out there," he drew in a sharp, shaky breath, and Cortez squeezed his shoulders, giving him an understanding once over.

"What have you been up to all this time?"

"Well, you're not gonna believe it, but I've been playing guard," he forced a chuckle, "For Commander Shepard, of all people."

"You're kidding me," Steve's eyes went wide in amazement, "That's… something else. What's she like, man?"

"She's… not exactly what I expected," James shrugged, unable to find the right words that would adequately describe her, "She's a fuckin' pistol, and the stories don't do her justice, that's for sure."

"I guess I'll find out soon enough," the pilot pointed Vega's attention to the back of the ship.

From behind them he could hear the hangar open and the sounds of voices shouting over the rush of wind. James tore himself away from his friend and padded towards the two women that stood on the edge of the large opening. Anderson was just below, waving them off. At the last moment he threw something towards them, and Shepard expertly swiped it from the air. The admiral had given her back her dog tags! No way she could give him hell about calling her 'Commander' anymore. He grinned at the thought, but his face dropped again when he realized Anderson was staying stubbornly put. The hangar closed them in, and the women turned away, both of their faces painted with shadows of grim determination. When Zoe noticed his presence, though, her eyes lit up, and she broke into a sprint towards him.

"James!" her gun clattered to the ground and a second later she was on him, her arms encircling his shoulders, her face buried into the hollow of his neck, "I'm so glad you're here!"

Vega had never, in a million years, dreamed she'd have this kind of reaction to knowing he was alive and well. He wasn't sure what else to do or say, so he simply returned the embrace, breathing in the scent of her as he felt the woman's tension relax away for the briefest of moments. Then suddenly, it was as if it dawned on her what she'd done, and her body went rigid in his arms. She pulled back abruptly and stepped away from him, her eyes struggling to mask her embarrassment at the gesture.

"I, um… I'm sorry, I just… glad you made it aboard safely," she stammered, fidgeting uneasily when Ashley shot her a curious glance.

"You too, Commander," he half-smiled at her, the aroma of gun smoke and residual biotic energy still coating every inch of his senses.

Shepard wasted no more time, righting herself into a professional affection, and bounding off towards the communication terminal.

"Hey," he jogged after her, "Wait, what's going on? Why didn't Anderson come with you?"

"He's staying. He ordered us to the Citadel, to talk to the Council. We have to go, now," her voice had a steely tone and he realized quickly that she'd already shifted back into command mode entirely.

"Bullshit! He wouldn't order us to leave!" Vega couldn't seem to wrap his head around the idea that the admiral would just stay there while sending the best ship in the fleet off on a political mission.

"We don't have a choice, James. Without help, this war is already over!" she stamped towards him, fire lighting her eyes.

This wasn't how this was supposed to go. They were supposed to stay, they were supposed to stop those damn machines. Earth wouldn't last a day without Shepard there, and as much as he wanted to, he couldn't follow this order without a fight.

"Forget it. Drop me off some place, 'cause I'm _not_ leaving," he clenched his fists, staring her down with mirrored intensity.

She sprang forward and jabbed a finger into his chest, "You don't think I'd rather stay and fight? We're _going_ to the Citadel. You want out, you can catch a ride back from there."

Shepard whipped back around to the terminal and fiddled with the buttons, obviously done with the conversation. She could be so damn stubborn sometimes, and once she had her mind set on something, there would be no swaying her. James was aware, deep down, she wanted to stay as much as he did, but it seemed like she was giving up too quickly. Zoe knew, though, that this fight wouldn't be won with just one ship and a handful of soldiers, no matter how strong-willed they might be.

"Commander?" Moreau's excited voice flooded in over the intercom.

"Joker… is that you? Holy shit, it's good to hear your voice!" she smiled towards the speaker, and a light chuckle found its way out of her throat.

"I'm alive and kickin'! And I've got an emergency transmission from Admiral Hackett for you," he sounded almost as relieved as she did.

"Patch it through," she ordered, waiting impatiently as the terminal struggled to clear the signal.

From where James stood, several yards away, he could barely understand the scrambled, static-laced words. Something about Mars? That couldn't be right. The situation was becoming more convoluted as the minutes ticked on. He saw the screen go blank and Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose, frustration visibly cresting over her in waves.

"Joker, set a course for the Mars Archives," she grumbled, unenthusiastically.

"Mars? Roger that…" Jeff's tone was reluctant as he cut the line, and a second later the ship jolted unsteadily around them as their flight course was rerouted.

"This is loco!" James tossed his head back, dragging his hands down his face in exasperation.

"You don't have to tell me that… _Dammit_ … there were so many of them," Zoe seethed, her jaw set tight with apprehension.

Ashley, who'd so far been keeping a respectful distance, finally sauntered forward, "Not that I'm questioning you, but with all due respect, ma'am, I have to ask — what does Hackett think we're going to find on Mars?"

"I don't know… but if it helps us win this war…" Shepard trudged towards the armor lockers, wrenching the door of one open to be greeted by the welcome sight of her long abandoned armor, and James saw a broad smile spread across her face as she ran her fingers lovingly across the shining metal, "Come on, guys… grab your gear. Let's get this party started."

* * *

 

Shepard vaulted over the crate, charging at the lone Cerberus soldier, and smacking his assault rifle from his grasp as she shoved her omni-blade through the vulnerable gap between his helmet and shoulder. He gurgled a scream before crumpling to the ground in a lifeless heap. All the vids James had seen of the woman in combat didn't hold a candle to getting a front row seat to her vivacious ferocity. She laughed more in the middle of combat than she had the whole time he'd known her. The sound rushed in over the comm line like a cool summer breeze, and for some reason it filled him with a passionate courage to fight as brutally as she did. Her tenacity must have been contagious, because more than once, Ashley joined in on the laughter, their friendly banter practically music to his ears. He could tell from the second he saw them together that there was a bitterness between them, but in the heat of battle they'd tossed it aside and allowed the camaraderie of the crusade to stand above it all.

"I think that's the last of them," Ashley holstered her gun and motioned towards the building in the distance, "Come on, let's get in there before this storm gets worse."

" _Damn_ , it's good to be back!" Shepard's whimsical chuckle swam through his helmet again as she darted off towards the facility, almost skipping as she went.

They crossed into the building and the commander immediately started in on the elevator controls. Seconds later, the LC started in on Shepard, in turn.

"Okay, ma'am, I hate to say this, but I need a straight answer," the shapely officer took a few steps towards the other woman, "Do you know _anything_ about why Cerberus is here?"

"What the hell makes you think I know what they're up to?" Zoe finished her task quickly, and turned towards her comrade, her eyes narrowing behind the glare of her helmet visor.

"You worked for them, Shepard. It's just… a little suspect, if you ask me," the brunette crossed her arms and turned away, a hint of suspicion laced into her tone.

"Don't do this right now, Ash. It's not the time…" when the LC didn't respond, Shepard gave a heavy sigh and attempted to explain, "Look, I only worked with them to take down the Collector base, because the Council wouldn't do anything to help. I didn't have a choice."

"There's more to it than that. You were _dead_. They rebuilt you, _and_ the Normandy… gave you resources, intel…"

Zoe cut her off, her words sharp and assured, "And once the goal was reached, I cut ties with them! I turned myself into the Alliance and I haven't had anything to do with them since I destroyed the base. I have no idea why they're here, _or_ what they want."

James could tell Shepard was about to lose her cool, so he stepped forward to reassure the LC, "The commander's been under constant surveillance since returning to Earth. No way they've communicated since."

"I'm sorry, ma'am," Ashley shook her head and leaned onto the railing in front of her, "It's just that—"

The pressurizer hissed as the room filled with breathable air, and they collectively removed their helmets in swift, almost synchronized, motions. Shepard's mouth was drawn up in a hard line, any hint of mirth dissolved completely by the undeserved accusations of her old friend.

"I shouldn't have to explain myself… least of all, to you," she scanned the LC's face with a pained expression as the lift shook under them and pushed them upwards into the facility, "Please… just trust me, Ash."

They stalked as a unit into the enormous room, as Ashley stammered her reply, "I do, ma'am, I'm only—"

The lieutenant commander's words were cut off again by a scrapping and rustling coming from the ducts above them. Gunshots sounded inside, clanging against the metal as what sounded like several bodies scurried through the tight space. The squad ducked for cover behind a nearby vehicle and Shepard peeked her head out carefully to keep an eye on the grate, her assault rifle poised firmly at the ready.

_Liara!_

The doctor tumbled out of the opening, two Cerberus troopers close on her heels. She tossed a wave of biotic energy, lifting them briefly before slamming them hard against the ground. They writhed in shared pain for a short moment, as the asari meandered towards them and planted several gun shots callously into their heads. Once they'd stopped squirming, Shepard darted out from cover, approaching the blue woman at a casual pace that made James uneasy. He jogged to her side, lifting his gun to put the unfamiliar asari into his cross hairs, but the commander slapped it down with an amused look on her face.

"Easy there, Lieutenant," she chuckled, "She's with us."

"Shepard! Thank the goddess you're alive!" Liara crashed into Zoe, the two embracing with warm familiarity.

James suddenly realized he knew her face and voice — it was Doctor T'soni, Treeya's mentor and good friend. Life really had a way of coming full circle, it would seem.

"I promised we'd see each other again, didn't I?" the commander broke away, studying the asari's distressed face.

"I was so worried when the reports came in. I'm sorry about Earth. I…" the woman's sapphire eyes glistened with tears.

"It was hard to leave it like that," the LC stepped up beside them, "Hey, Liara, it's been a while."

"Ashley!" Liara broke away from Shepard to scoop up the brunette in a similar hug, "How have you been?"

"I'll be better once this is all over," Ashley forced a laugh, turning away to busy herself on finding a way through the facility.

"Hey, I don't know if you remember me," James spoke up then.

"You two know each other?" Zoe's brow knit with curiosity.

"James? Well, this is a surprise! Have you heard from Treeya lately? I've been trying to get word to her, but she's been avoiding my calls," the asari stepped towards him, the concern deepening in her soft features.

"Sorry, but I haven't spoken to her in months. Things didn't exactly end well between us," Vega bit the inside of his lip, wishing he'd kept those last few words to himself.

"I understand. What happened with Fehl Prime hit both of you hard," Liara nodded sympathetically.

Shepard couldn't deny that her interest was peaked by his admission, but they'd wasted too much time already, so she butted in to change the subject, "Liara, Hackett ordered us to come here. He said you'd know what was going on."

"I do," she answered, simply, and urged them to follow her to large pane of glass nearby that looked out over the facility.

"Hallelujah, some answers, finally!" James muttered as they approached the observation window.

The doctor went on to explain the existence of a Prothean device that could be the key to the Reapers' destruction. They were in the middle of planning a route to the Archives when a buzzing sound echoed through the chamber.

"We've got company!" Shepard warned, hastily drawing her weapon and running for cover.

"Bring it on!" the lieutenant's trigger finger was already starting to itch as he checked his thermal clip and followed her lead.

"Not this time, James. Get back to the shuttle. If Cerberus beats us to the Archives, I need you covering the exits," she led him to the elevator platform and punched at the controls to start it up.

"But, Shepard—" he started, irritated beyond belief to think he was going to miss this leg of the fight.

"Not the time to argue, Lieutenant," she ordered staunchly, but cast him a wicked grin as he stomped onto the lift, "Don't worry, you'll get plenty of opportunities to shoot shit later."

James managed to catch the teasing wink she tossed him as he slipped his helmet over his head and the elevator descended into the floor. As the platform above him slid tightly shut, he could barely make out the beginning sounds of the fight. He let out a discontented grumble, as he holstered his weapon and stomped towards the building's exit.

* * *

 

"Looks like they've made it to the Archives," Liara gave an exasperated huff and turned to the other women, a defeated expression marring her delicate features.

"Something tells me they're not just going to send us a tram, either," Ashley grumbled, as she replaced her spent thermal clip and crossed to scan the room around them for anything useful that might be laying around.

"Can you override it, Liara?" Shepard was reaching her limit of patience with the delays that kept befalling them — though she had to admit, she'd been having a ball slicing the countless Cerberus soldiers from stem to stern.

"What if we can find a short-range communicator?" the LC suggested, "Then we can convince them we're on their side, that the Alliance forces have been taken care of."

"Good thinking, Ash," the commander nodded in appreciation, "Go see what you can find."

"On it, ma'am," with that, the brunette dashed off to commence the search.

When Zoe turned back to Liara, the doctor was eyeing her with unabashed curiosity.

"What's that look for?"

"You and that lieutenant seem rather close," the astute asari observed, "Did I miss something important?"

Shepard lifted a brow, surprised by the suggestion, "You got that from the five minutes you saw us together?"

"So, you're not denying it?" Liara turned her attention back to the terminal, a smirk just barely showing at the corners of her pinkish lips.

"He was my guard on Earth. We spent a lot of time together, so I guess that's what you're picking up on," the commander shrugged it off as if it were nothing, but the other woman was not so easily convinced.

"Mhm," the asari pursed her lips and seemed as if she was about to say more, but was cut off by Ashley's hurried interjection.

"Commander, I found something!" the LC called from the adjacent room, and Shepard sprinted off in her direction, thanking the heavens for the welcome interruption.

When Zoe stepped into the room, Ashley was bent over a fallen Cerberus soldier, inspecting him carefully, "What've you got, Ash?"

"He's got a transmitter in his helmet. If I can just —" the brunette was cut off by the hissing release of the trooper's helmet seal, and when the visor fell away, the sight beneath it nearly made both women wretch, "My god… he looks like a husk."

"Not quite," Shepard knelt down, eye level with the mangled hybrid, "But they've definitely done something to him."

_What in the hell has Cerberus been up to since I left?_

"So, Cerberus did this? To their own men?" Ashley balked, taking a few cautious steps backwards, "Is this… what they did to you?"

"You can't be fucking serious, Ash," the older woman pushed herself to stand, spinning around to the LC with a look of pure incredulity, "You're seriously going to compare me to that _thing_?"

"I don't want to make the connection, Shepard, but how can I not? How can I be sure you're not just some Cerberus puppet. You could still be in the Illusive Man's pocket, for all I know," Ashley narrowed her chocolatey eyes at Zoe pointedly, "So far, you haven't given me any reason to believe the contrary."

"I haven't even been out of prison a whole day yet! I've been putting down their goons left and right! And trust me, there's no amount of makeup in the world that could cover up that mess," the commander stabbed a finger towards the slumped monstrosity, "If I was one of those freaks, I think you'd know."

"Don't joke about this, Shepard," Ashley sighed in agitation, "And just… don't try to explain. I don't think I'd understand, anyway."

"Of course you wouldn't," Zoe shook her head, reaching down to the trooper and wrenching the transmitter free, "Look, I know you don't trust me anymore. And I don't blame you. But, just give me a chance, Ash. I'm still the same person I've always been. They didn't change me. I used them — a means to and end, that's all. But words won't convince you, will they?"

"No, ma'am… probably not," the LC dropped her eyes to the ground, her refusal to bend in her resolve sending pangs of dismay through Shepard's tired soul.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to show you, instead of trying to tell you, then," the commander cleared her throat and pressed the call button on the transmitter, "Hello, this is… Delta Team. Is anyone there?"


	8. An Unexpected Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the deluge of chapters, but I've been updating my FF account faster than this one, so I just figured I'd get all the new ones I've posted up over there, up here too all at once. Things are about to get real interesting for our favorite Commander! This chapter picks up where we left off, with the ending of Priority: Mars, but in the second portion, things take a slight turn away from canon and Zoe's life get's just a bit more complicated. I have started a rewrite of my rewrite now, if you can believe it - oh my my... so things will be a little slower going up now, but I think I've finally settled on how I want this to progress, so I hope you'll stick around! Once again, enjoy the chapter and have a lovely day!

When they finally reached the Archives and stepped into the cylindrical room, Shepard felt a chill creep up her back, turning her spine rigid with apprehension. The aura of the place was wrong, something settling on the edges of the atmosphere like a ghost peering out from the darkest corners of midnight. She motioned for the lieutenant commander to cover the opposite side of the room, before leading Liara towards the console stationed front and center. Before Liara even had a chance to start in on the terminal, a platform nearby began to glitch and glitter with an incoming transmission. The distorted image that materialized in front of Shepard immediately set her blood to boiling.

"Shepard," the Illusive Man purred, a swirl of virtual smoke passing slowly from his lips.

Liara spun around, drawing her gun on the specter, before realizing it would do no good, "Illusive Man…"

" _So_ nice to see you again," Zoe's sarcastic tone sliced through the air like a knife, "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Such manners," an insufferably smug grin slid across his face, "I taught you well, my girl."

"You didn't teach me shit, except to watch my back around Cerberus," she spat, "What do you want?"

"What I've always wanted," he swept his hand through the air in a grand flourish, "The Protheans were such a grand race. So much knowledge, and look at how the Alliance has squandered it — ignoring the Archives for over _thirty years_."

"God, I almost forgot how long winded you can be. Get to the point, you bastard," Shepard growled through clenched teeth.

"Perhaps I spoke too soon about the manners," he scoffed, "The point is, this place contains all the knowledge I need to solve the Reaper threat."

"Yeah, I ran across your _solution_ earlier," the commander pursed her lips scornfully, "You turn your people into monsters, and yet, here you are insulting my manners?"

"On the contrary," he continued, "Unlike you, _they_ are being improved."

"Bullshit! You're destroying their humanity and using them as cannon fodder," Zoe's voice rose in exasperation — she had truly forgotten how detestable the man could be in his deranged ideals.

"That's what separates us, Shepard. Where you see a means to destroy, I see a way to control — to dominate and harness the Reapers' power. Imagine how strong humanity would be if we could control them?"

Shepard cut him off before he could elaborate, "Earth is under siege right now! If you gave one single fuck about humanity, you wouldn't be turning your men into husks — effectively stripping away the very thing that makes them human in the first place. How stupid do you think I am? This isn't about strengthening humanity, this is about furthering your own agenda, grabbing for power however and wherever you can! You haven't changed a bit, you're as crooked and selfish as ever."

"You haven't changed much either, Commander. You were always so short-sighted. Your destruction of the Collector base proved that," as he spoke, Shepard could hardly believe that he had the audacity to look at her with an expression of anguished disappointment.

"The base was an abomination! How is it that you continue to preach about the importance of preserving humanity, and yet you blatantly ignore the fact that hundreds of thousands of people were _murdered_ in that place?!" she stomped towards the hologram, wishing like hell that he was there in the flesh so she could finally knock his lights like he deserved.

"This isn't your fight anymore, Shepard," he was obviously trying to change the subject, which only caused Zoe to grow all the more frustrated, if that was even possible, "You can't defeat the Reapers now, not even _with_ the Prothean data."

She knew her next suggestion was a long shot, and it pained her to even offer it, but she was starkly aware that it may be the only path to success, "Join me, then. Give me access to your resources and we'll stop them, once and for all. I _can_ do it without you, but it may not bode well for you in the future."

"Always so full of threats, my dear," he clicked his tongue unhappily as his face darkened, "You'd do better than most, but the odds aren't in your favor, no matter how reckless you are. Besides, I believe I was clear, I don't want them destroyed. I _will_ find a way to control them — harness their very essence to bring humanity to the apex of evolution."

"You're fucking insane," Shepard barked, bounding towards the translucent figure, her eyes burning with unconcealed hatred, "You'll get us all killed if you don't _stand down_. This isn't the time to be fighting each other. We need to work together to bring the Reapers down for good if we have any hope of saving humanity, and the rest of the galaxy. Get your head out of your ass so you can actually see what's going on around you!"

"I don't expect you to understand, Shepard. And I'm certainly not looking for your approval," he sighed and took a long drag from his cigarette before proceeding, "You were a tool, an agent for a singular purpose. And despite our differences, you were relatively successful. But, like the rest of the relics in this place, your time is over."

"Would you please shut the hell up, already?" Zoe threw her head back in irritation, "Liara, get started on that data, will you?"

" _Don't_ interfere with my plans, Commander," he pointed a finger at her with a threatening glare, "I won't warn you again."

"Oh no, I'm quaking in my boots," she rolled her eyes childishly, fed up to her ears with the bombastic old geezer.

"Shepard!" the asari called, the beginning stages of panic apparent in her soft voice, "The data's not here! It's being erased."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Zoe grumbled, dragging a hand down her face and letting out a heavy breath, as the Illusive Man finally, mercifully dissolved into nothingness, "Thank god. If I had to hear one more word out of that stupid son of a—"

"Shepard, this is serious! Focus!" Liara chastised sharply, "Someone's uploading the information locally!"

"They're in _here_?" the commander's eyes shot wide, "That bastard! He was distracting us! Ashley, anything going on over your way?"

Little did Shepard know, the LC was one step ahead. In the distance, Zoe could just make out the brunette's tall form as she approached an alcove with her gun raised in front of her. She could hear her comrade shout orders into the space, and only a split second later, Ashley was thrown violently to the ground. The sound of electronics zapping and whirring resounded through the chamber and a spindly figure shot out of the shadows, sprinting at an inhuman speed towards the exit.

"She's got the data, Commander!" Williams pushed herself up, ignoring the residual pain of the hit to trail after the fleeing woman.

"Dammit! It's Eva! Don't let her escape!" Shepard ordered as she darted off at lightening speed.

The woman was _fast_ , and Zoe had a fleeting wish that she'd had the chance to visit the courtyard with James more often — she was slower than she'd ever been and the running was quickly taking a toll on her only a few minutes into the chase. Cerberus shuttles were pulling up to the edges of the roof as they pursued her. It took every ounce of speed and will that Shepard could dredge up to dodge the bullets flying past their heads, while simultaneously maintaining the grueling pace. They would need backup, once they caught up to the doctor, and quick.

"James! Do you read me? Cerberus has the data! Radio the Normandy! Get them down here asap!" Zoe shouted into the comm, feeling a wave of dread pour over her at the dead silence on the other end of the transmission.

She vaulted up a ladder that led to the highest roof of the facility just in time to see another Cerberus shuttle leveling off for Eva to escape into. The woman leapt into the open door and the shuttle took off into the air, giving the group no chance to stop them.

"Goddammit! James! Normandy! Anybody! They're getting away!"

Shepard was about to spin around and kick at the ground in disgust at their failure, when out of the corner of her vision, she caught sight of an Alliance shuttle whizzing towards the enemy vehicle. The commander's heart leapt into her throat when she realized what was happening, but she had no time to react, as the shuttles collided in a deluge of fire and debris. The force of the impact sent the trio of women sprawling across the platform in opposite directions. Zoe wouldn't be kept down for long, though — as soon as she had dusted herself off and was sure her two companions were unscathed, her thoughts turned to the foolhardy lieutenant.

_Dammit, James! You better have survived that, you crazy son of a bitch!_

Just then, the Alliance shuttle zoomed by overhead, and Zoe caught herself exhaling in relief. She flagged the vehicle down, her pulse pounding hard in her neck. He was going to get an earful when they got back to safety, that was for sure. The ship made a less than graceful landing, and not a minute later James came staggering unsteadily out of the door.

"Normandy's en route. They'll be here soon," he shook his head rapidly, trying to calm his rattled nerves.

Shepard stormed towards him, shoving at his shoulders, and he could just barely make out her terror-filled eyes behind the haze of her visor, "What the hell were you thinking, you idiot! You could have gotten yourself killed!"

"Sorry, Shepard," he stepped towards her, his hands raised apologetically, "I didn't mean to scare you or anything."

"I wasn't scared," she lied, "I'm _pissed_. That was a stupid move, Lieutenant."

"Hey!" he raised his voice defensively, "It got the job done, didn't it?"

"Shepard, we need to get that data!" Liara called from behind them, yanking the commander's attention back to the task at hand.

A booming noise resounded abruptly from the nearby wreckage, and through the licking flames a silhouette emerged. The body was burnt, scarred, and robotic in appearance, but unmistakably that of Dr. Eva Core. What had once been something like flesh coating her lanky frame had melted away in the inferno of the explosion, revealing the true, synthetic form underneath. She rushed towards Liara and Ashley, and assailed the lieutenant commander before Shepard even had a chance to react. By the time the commander could reach the far side of the shuttle, the AI had Ashley by the throat, dangling her several feet from the ground, leaving Zoe little room to get a clear shot.

"Put her down!" Shepard shouted, watching intently as the robot paused and mumbled something into her transmitter.

Without warning, the synthetic woman spun around and slammed the lieutenant commander violently into the fallen shuttle. They were too far away for to reach in time to stop the madness, but Zoe began unloading her assault rifle into the AI's back with a ferocious vengeance. There was no doubt in her mind that Ashley was severely hurt, or possibly dead and whoever this metallic bitch was, she wasn't going to make it out in one piece either. The deranged robot finally loosened her grip on the LC, and Zoe watched in horror as her comrade's body slumped lifelessly to the ground.

"You're gonna pay for that! You _and_ the Illusive Man!" the commander bellowed, as the synthetic turned and barreled towards her.

It took something like ten shots, right between the glowing blue eyes, to permanently bring her down. The thing fell heavily to the ground, right at Shepard's feet, buzzing and sparking and twitching creepily before fizzling out for good.

"Ash!" the commander took off towards the incapacitated woman, motioning for James to deal with Eva, "Grab that thing. Bring it with us."

As she knelt down to check over the LC, Joker's voice came flooding into her helmet, "Commander, we've got Reaper signatures in orbit!"

"Shit!" Shepard scooped the lieutenant commander up, throwing her limp body across her shoulders and making a mad dash for the ship that descended in the distance, "Ash, I swear to god, if you die on me… I'm gonna kill you. _Please_ , just stay with me, I'm gonna need you on this one."

James cast a glance over his shoulder, the words that came in over the comm line almost drowning in the roar of the Normandy's engine and the incoming storm. But the pain that laced through them was transparent and honest and deep. Their very first real mission and they were already on the brink of losing one of their own. He'd almost gone down himself, and for a moment, he put himself in Shepard's shoes, the reason for her anger at him for the shuttle stunt becoming achingly clear. Their first mission, and she'd already come uncomfortably close to losing two of her squad mates. He had no doubt that if she did have anything to say to him, she wasn't going to be happy, and he mentally braced himself for the tongue lashing he knew was headed his way.

* * *

 

Shepard burst into the shuttle bay, steaming with unconcealed rage as she lumbered towards the weapons bench where James was busy setting up his equipment.

"Let me ask you one more time, since we were interrupted earlier… What the _hell_ were you thinking, Lieutenant?!" she roared, not stopping until she was right up in his personal space.

"Hey, chill out, Commander. We got outta there, didn't we?" he slunk backwards, abandoning the console in favor of retreating from her verbal assault.

"You're not answering the question, Vega," Zoe matched him step for step, refusing to let up, "What is it? You want to get off my ship so bad that you're willing to blow yourself up to make it happen?"

"It's not like that, Shepard, I swear! I was just doing what I had to," he raised his hands defensively and she lunged towards him, her face mere inches from his.

"You listen to me, Lieutenant. I don't have nearly enough allies in this fight, and one of them is in the med bay fighting for her life. I can't afford to lose a soldier as skilled as you, do you understand me?" her eyes were alight with flaming conviction, and he could have sworn there was still a hint of dread hidden behind the seething anger.

"Understood, ma'am," he forced himself to stand at attention, offering her a nod of acceptance that he hoped would stand to cool the fire enveloping her countenance.

Shepard's body flashed with a shimmering blue light, her biotic energy flaring up for a brief second as she fought to stem her temper, "Good…"

"Are we cool?" he eyed her hesitantly — she was still crushed so close to him that their chest plates were dangerously close to clinking together and he could have sworn he saw her eyes flick down to his lips for the briefest of moments.

"Yeah, we're cool," she took a deep breath in and out, stepping back a bit as she visibly relaxed her posture, "So… who's Treeya?"

"Uh…" he had really been hoping she'd have forgotten about that by now, "She's, uh…"

"Old girlfriend?" the side of Shepard's lip twitched up amusedly at his faltering.

"Not exactly," he answered, simply, not nearly ready to breach this subject with her.

"Liara said something about Fehl Prime. I heard about what happened. How come you never told me you were there?" she crossed her arms and waited patiently for his reply, obviously not a bit shy about digging so deeply for information.

"It wasn't exactly my proudest moment," he confessed, "Not something I really like to talk about."

"Okay, I can understand that," her features softened a bit and she let out a breath through her nose, "Look, I'm sorry I blew up on you. I lied… I _was_ scared. You scared the living hell out of me. If you do decide to stay… just, please don't ever do that again, alright?"

"You got it, Commander," he nodded, a feeling settling into the pit of his stomach that he couldn't quite place a definition on — she'd been genuinely afraid to lose him, and even more surprising than that, she was admitting it.

"Another thing… I know that, for the time being, I'm technically your superior officer, but," she dropped eyes to the floor, looking adorably bashful all of a sudden, "You know, you _can_ call me Zoe, if you… want to."

He chuckled lightly, a little confounded by her oddly girlish mannerisms and the suggestion, "No offense, but… I don't know if I can do it. You _still_ don't look like a Zoe to me."

"Alright, have it your way…" she raised her gaze back to his, chewing at her bottom lip with an expression of amused skepticism, "Anyway, we're docking on the Citadel soon, if you do still want to abandon ship."

She didn't have to put it so harshly, and as her words fell heavily around him, his stomach plummeted to his feet with them. He wanted nothing more than to join the conflict on Earth, but he wasn't about to give up the chance to fight by her side. It was the streak of luck he'd wished for for years now, and if he had to swallow his pride and admit he wanted to stay, he'd do it gladly. She was right, after all — they were a small team so far, and it would take time to find the means to build their ranks. He wasn't just going to desert Shepard when she needed him, not after all the time they'd spent getting so close and finally being able to see with his own eyes what she was really made of.

It had taken a lot for her to let him know he'd terrified her. Shepard knew him well enough to understand that he thought he'd had a handle on the situation, but she also knew from all the stories he'd told that he didn't always consider the consequences of his actions. Regardless of their new positions as Commander and Lieutenant, the feelings that had grown for him since they'd first met were not going away, no matter how much she tried to forget. And seeing him plow that shuttle into their enemies' getaway vehicle had brought every fear she'd ever had of losing a loved one crashing to the surface. When she thought that he might not step out of the wreckage, her heart had prematurely broken. The thought of losing him, before she ever had a chance to love him…

_Jesus, don't be so damn sentimental, Shepard…_

As she passed into the elevator and turned to mash the controls, he watched as a sunny smile slid its way slowly across her cheeks, and she laughed lightly, rolling her eyes at him as the lift doors glided closed between them. She hadn't been lying when she said she was a conundrum. Sometimes she could be like Jekyll and Hyde, and as much as the abrupt changes occasionally made his head want to explode, he admired her all the more for it. She was a force to be reckoned with, and the fact that he had the choice to serve under her — to be a part of her epic story after so many years of following her from afar — was an opportunity he wasn't about to pass up.

* * *

 

When they docked at the Citadel and had made sure Ashley was safely on the way to Huerta, Shepard finally allowed herself a moment to breath. With the exception of her brief visit to chew James out, she'd been pacing the mess hall the whole way there, keeping one eye on the windows of the med bay at all times, in case the lieutenant commander took a turn for the worst. The two women had never been what one would call the best of friends, but they appreciated each other in their own rights. It had positively crushed Zoe to know that the other girl had lost all respect for her, when they'd reunited on Horizon what seemed like a lifetime ago. And to know that Ashley still held such strong animosity towards her was ripping her apart from the inside out, especially when faced with the possibility of never being given the chance to make things right between them.

Before she could make much headway, Shepard was greeted by a newly promoted Commander Bailey. Their conversation was brief, and a bit disheartening, as progress was halted once again in the form of the Council, who were once again dragging their heels. She absolutely despised waiting, but it would at least give her another chance to check in with Ashley before the inevitable political circus ensued. While she waited for word from the Council, she made her way to Huerta Memorial to check up on Ashley, and, much to her surprise, a familiar face was standing among the crowds inside.

"Doctor Chakwas!" Shepard sprinted towards the older woman and scooped her up in a tight hug, "It's so good to see you! What are you doing here?"

"I'm working at an Alliance R&D lab down in Shalta Wards, but when I got word that you'd escaped Earth, and one of you crew members was badly injured, I came as soon as I could," the doctor gave Zoe's biceps a gentle squeeze, "I was hoping I'd run into you, my girl. How have you been holding up?"

"I'm resilient, you know that," the younger woman forced a smile, "I'm more worried about Ashley right now. That Cerberus synthetic that got ahold of her on Mars was stronger than it looked."

"Lieutenant Commander Williams is quite resilient, herself. It will take time, but she'll pull through, especially with Doctor Michel's expertise," she motioned to a short brunette standing nearby, "She's young, but she know what she's doing. I have every faith in her abilities."

"That makes me feel better. Thank you doctor," Zoe stepped out of the embrace and crossed to the large window, "So, what kind of trouble did you get into after I turned myself in?"

"None, surprisingly enough. Since I was never technically a member of Cerberus, and I'd gotten leave from my previous post, they weren't sure what to do with me, so they stuck me in the lab," Karin shrugged, "Though, I suppose if they'd ever gotten around to convicting you, I would have been tried as an accessory."

"I'm glad it didn't come to that," Shepard shifted her feet uneasily, "Though, the price we're paying to avoid a trial…"

"The Reapers would have come whether you'd been in that prison or not," the doctor reminded her, sympathetically, "I know you well enough to know you're blaming yourself for this."

"If we could have stopped them sooner—" she began but was quickly cut off.

"You did everything you could, Shepard. Without the cooperation of the rest of the galaxy, you were at a dead end. We can only hope they're smart enough to listen to you this time around."

"Don't get your hopes up, Doctor. It's not looking good so far…" she turned to her old friend and took her hand, "I need you on board the Normandy, doc. Your place is there, with me, not in some lab."

"I couldn't agree more, my dear," Karin's eyes visibly lit with excitement, "Just say the word and I'm with you."

"The word," Zoe chuckled, "Grab your things. The Normandy is docked in bay D24. I'm thrilled to have you back."

"Me too. Thank you, Commander," she gave Shepard's hand a gentle, appreciative squeeze.

"Don't thank me yet. Joker's still aboard," the commander gave the doctor a teasing wink.

"And I'd be surprised if he's remembering to take his medication," Karin scoffed, her words full of her usual motherly concern, "Which reminds me, are you remembering to take your medication?"

"Yes… most of the time," Zoe couldn't stop the guilty look that spread across her face — she was always so bad at lying to the doctor about these kinds of things.

Chakwas sighed and shook her head, but her eyes were alight with happiness, "You really do need me aboard, probably more than you realize. Go, see the lieutenant commander. I'll collect my things and we'll talk again later."

"Yes, ma'am," Shepard grinned, a sense of relief washing over her at the thought of having another old friend back on the ship, and turned to make her way to Ashley's room.

It was hard to see the statuesque brunette looking so broken and vulnerable. Zoe was unsure whether the LC could hear her, but she poured her heart out anyway, and must have apologize a hundred times in the brief, one-sided conversation. She tore herself away from the incapacitated woman, unable to stand the sight any longer, and stepped outside the room to check her omni-tool for messages.

_Nothing yet… What the hell is taking them so long? Do they understand that the galaxy is being torn apart while they're probably out getting a group spa treatment?_

She drug herself to a chair that faced the large window to rest for a time, all the while her thoughts clinging steadfastly to none other than Lieutenant Vega. As glad as she was not to be dwelling on Ashley for the moment, she felt like a lovesick schoolgirl, fawning over an untouchable upperclassman — desperate and pathetic in her desires. As much as she knew he wouldn't give in any time soon, she loved the way her name sounded as it rolled off his tongue, and she could only hope that he'd change his mind about it in time.

_Shepard, honestly… there are more important things to worry about than getting lucky with your crew members._

She reclined back in the seat and attempted to clear her mind of everything that was clogging it, but suddenly, an eerily familiar voice reverberated through the room, practically knocking the breath right out of her lungs.

" _Zoe!_ Zoe Shepard! Is that really you?"

It couldn't be. There was no way. That voice had been quite literally haunting her dreams for too many years for what she heard to be real. Shepard felt her limbs seize up, her knees locking so tightly that she if she'd been standing, she'd have pitched forward onto her face.

"Zoe, it's me!"

She tried with all her might, but she couldn't will herself to turn her head. It was like someone had shot her straight through the heart with a cryo blast. When a balmy hand clamped down on her shoulder, Zoe forced her eyes to it, instantly recognizing the long, slender fingers and the short, well-kept nails. A noise choked forth from the depths of her throat, something like a sobbing cough, as she raised up out of her chair and spun in place. It would have been like seeing a ghost, if the woman wasn't so obviously made from real live flesh and blood. A mix of joy and dread cascaded across the commander and she didn't realize she was crying until Melloria reached to wipe her tears away.

"Shepard, I knew it was you," Mel swiped a strand of purple hair behind Zoe's ear, cupping her hand to the rigid woman's hot, flushed cheek and gazing lovingly down at her, "I missed you, babe."

Zoe blinked rapidly, sure that what she was seeing was some kind of waking dream, but when she stopped, the girl was still there, still piercing through her soul with gleaming, emerald eyes. Without warning, even from her own body, Shepard let out a loud cry and fell into Mel's arms, burying her face into the warm, soft flesh of her neck. She breathed in the scent of her former lover, still the same as it'd been once upon a time — all vanilla and sunshine and earthy musk.

"It's okay, Zoe. I'm here," Mel's lips went to the sobbing woman's ear, placing kisses gently along the lobe, as she rubbed circles along Shepard's convulsing back.

The commander hadn't let herself cry like this since the day Melloria had 'died' — especially not in public, and she realized as she leaned there shaking, she was probably turning a good amount of heads with her pathetic outburst of emotion. She pulled back abruptly to look the woman over again, ignoring the urge to pinch herself to assure she still wasn't dreaming.

"But… _how?_ " it was the only thing she could drag forth from her constricted throat.

"I wasn't dead when they pulled me out of there, Z. Closest thing to it, but not completely. I was in a coma until about a year ago. I'm just at Huerta for a check up. I've been trying to get ahold of you since I woke up, but you're a hard woman to pin down, you know that?" Mel flashed a grin that caused Zoe to melt into her all over again.

"I don't understand, why didn't anyone tell me you were alive?" Shepard's sobs were slowly receding but her heartbeat still pulsed at a fast, unsteady tempo.

"They didn't really have a reason to. No one knew about us, remember?"

It vaguely made sense… maybe. But it didn't seem right, with all the intel she'd catalogued throughout the years, and being best friends with the Shadow Broker, of all people… _Something_ should have crossed her desk, surely.

"Commander, are you alright?" James jogged up to the couple, worry set deeply into his features, "I came up here to let you know Aria wants to see you… Are you crying?"

The asari woman hadn't exactly been happy to see the young lieutenant that had been such a troublemaker back on her beloved Omega, and the flippancy with with she talked to him had already driven him up the wall. To walk in to the scene of Zoe, sniffling and clinging to an unfamiliar presence was confounding, to say the least. Adding to that, the fact that he had a pretty good idea who this new woman was, based on the commander's current state. He was automatically wary of the towering redhead, taking no pains to mask the way he was skeptically sizing her up.

"Who's your friend, Z?" the girl snaked an arm around Shepard's waist in what felt to Vega like an overly possessive display, considering the fact that she'd been missing from the life of the girl she clung to for a good decade now.

"James," Zoe sniffed, hastily righting herself, and sliding her hands across her cheeks to wipe off the tears that clung to them, "Mel, this is Lieutenant James Vega, he's a part of my crew, and one of my best friends. James, this is… it's _Mel_."

It felt so otherworldly to be standing beside the woman she'd grieved over for so many years, while speaking to the man she'd been falling for for months. Shepard didn't feel completely connected to her body in that moment, and her head sloshed dizzily, the shaking in her limbs intensifying to an unbearable level. She wrung her hands together nervously, noticing the suspicious look he was giving Melloria.

"Can we talk for a second… alone?" he shifted his gaze to Zoe, his eyes practically begging her to accept his plea.

She nodded slowly, glancing sidelong at Mel to catch her reaction, "I'll be right back, okay?"

"Do what you gotta do, babe. I'll be right here," the woman smiled adoringly at Shepard, placing a kiss to her cheek that made James' jaw clench in envy.

He'd never been the jealous type, and he supposed he should be happy for the commander, but they'd been getting on so well since he'd joined the Normandy that he couldn't quell his simmering disappointment. Shepard stepped towards him, following him to the door but he didn't miss the way she kept peering over her shoulder to make sure the redhead was still in plain view.

"Commander, are you _sure_ that's her?" he sucked in a breath through his nose, readying himself for what he was sure would be an explosion on her end.

Zoe's tone was unsettlingly calm and resolute as she answered, "It's her, James, I'm positive."

"No offense, Shepard, but what if she's some kind of Cerberus clone or something? Crazier things have happened to you, you realize that?" he was trying, but Vega had a sneaking suspicion he wouldn't be able to talk any sense into her at this point.

"That's insane. No one even knew Mel and I were together. Why would they even think to bring her back if they didn't know?" Zoe edged away from him, and he could hear the first slivers of doubt edging into her voice, "Besides, Akuze happened years before Cerberus even knew my name. You're being paranoid, Lieutenant."

"Maybe you're not being paranoid enough, Commander," he gave a pointed glare, hoping desperately that she wasn't so twisted up by this that she wouldn't at least take some precautions.

"James, if it will make you feel better about it, I'll have Doctor Chakwas do DNA scans and get Liara to run a check on her background… but, she's _coming with us_."

"I don't think that's a good idea," James shook his head, anxiety rising in his chest, as he cast a glance towards Mel, who was throwing him a sly, self-assured gaze.

"Listen, Lieutenant," she spat through gritted teeth, but kept her voice low, the bomb that was her temper finally about to detonate, "I spent a decade of my life in _misery_ over what happened to that woman. If you think I'm going to just let her walk away now that I know she's alive and safe, then you don't know me as well as I thought you did."

With that, Zoe spun on her toes and stormed away from him, grabbing onto Melloria's hand and practically dragging her out of the hospital towards the elevator doors. When she passed by him, Mel deliberately drove her shoulder into his, a hateful sneer pulling at her upper lip. As she allowed herself to be pulled away, she whispered something to him that he might not have caught if he didn't have such impeccable hearing.

"Sorry, Muscles, but she's _mine_ …"


	9. Less Than Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter this time around. I am so horribly inconsistent with my chapter lengths, I apologize for that. Anyway, this chapter is mostly story development, not much action - but that will come in the next chapter. Hope you're enjoying the story so far, and if you have a moment to spare, let me know what you think! And as always, have a lovely day!

Shepard passed through the door of Udina's office, teeming with agitation. She'd sent Melloria back to the Normandy with Doctor Chakwas while she dealt with the Council, and the deluge of emotions from both events had her twisted up in knots. When Khalisah al-Jilani pulled her aside for an interview, it took every ounce of will inside her not to knock the woman for a loop, like she'd wanted to for years. While she was trying her best to remain steady and reassuring, she caught a glimpse of James idling in front of the large window at the opposite corner of the room. He turned his head in time to catch her eyes and gave her a small wave, but his face was dark and pensive. She kept the conversation with the reporter short, and when she was finally able to pry herself away, she strode towards the lieutenant, glad to be done with the politics for a moment.

"Hey, Commander," his voice was gruff, and he barely glanced at her before returning his attention to the scenic view of the outside, his eyes following the skycars as they zoomed past, "Liara came by… said the Council's not interested in helping us."

"Shouldn't come as any surprise," she sneered, crossing her arms and shifting her weight to one foot.

James scoffed, and turned his head slightly, peering at her warily from the corner of his eye, "Guess you've had enough of those for one day, huh?"

"I've had enough surprises for a lifetime, but this one takes the cake," she desperately wanted to avoid what he was hinting at for now, so she changed the subject, "Have you ever been to the Citadel?"

"A few times, but never up here on the Presidium, with the elite of the galaxy. I mean, look at this place. There's no war here. People are talkin' about it, whispering about it… but they don't really believe it," his tone dripped with bitter sarcasm, "This place… it's not right. It looks pretty — calm and peaceful — but it's not right. It's all just an illusion."

"Same as it's always been," his words were more wise than she'd ever given him credit for, and pulled a grin from her lips at the realization that there was more up there in that brain of his than just a lust for combat, "It was peaceful once, though…"

"Was it? Really? I mean, when push comes to shove, they're just gonna turtle up and hope it don't hit them too, right? They'd rather believe in _this_ than face the truth."

He turned away from her, walking a few steps closer to the window, and the obvious double meaning in his cold turn of phrase caused a lump to rise to Zoe's throat.

"I can hardly believe it myself. Like everything that happened on Earth was just some kind of horrible nightmare," a heavy breath pushed its way past her full lips as she scanned the exterior perimeter and considered his words.

"Yeah," he scrunched his nose in disgust, "That's what I hate the most, it's like this place wants you to forget that."

She approached him cautiously and laid a hand on his muscular back, "Look, I know you're not very happy with me right now, but please tell me you're not planning to leave. We need you with us, James."

The lieutenant tensed at the last few words, "You sure about that?"

"I'm sure," she dropped her hand to her side and walked around to face him, "Look at me, and tell me something. Do you think I'm stupid?"

"What? No, of course not," he knit his brow, unsure of what that had to do with any of this.

"Then, just trust me, please. I asked the same thing of Ashley, but she couldn't, and now she's laying up in the hospital knocking on death's door. And there's nothing I can do right now to win back that trust that I lost and it's killing me," she let out an exhausted sigh and smoothed her hair back, "I need you to trust me about Mel. I know this sounds selfish, but I need you to put whatever you're feeling aside and just… be there for me, like you have been since I met you. I don't know what will happen with Mel or what it means for us, but…"

"Wait…" he cut her off, " _Us?_ "

"You're correct in assuming I'm not stupid, Lieutenant," a sliver of a smile edged across Shepard's lips, "I'm not blind or deaf either… and neither are you, as far as I'm aware."

"So…" he knew what she was getting at, but to hell if he was going to be the first to admit it.

"So…" the corners of her mouth fell sharply back down, "Mel being alive… complicates things. As if they could have been any more complicated."

"If that's even her," James had meant to keep the comment to himself, but it spilled out before he could stop it.

"We'll find out soon enough," she let out another wavering breath, "But, regardless, we'll get past this and still be friends, I hope?"

"Yeah," he didn't like it, but he cared too much about her at this point to do anything besides what she asked of him, "You were right, anyway. And so was Anderson. We can't do this alone. Besides, it looks like you're gonna have your hands full convincing these pendejo politicians to help us. And I'm up for it, whatever it takes. I got your back, Shepard… you can count on me."

He was eyeing her with stern dedication, but there was something else shining through his gaze that the commander couldn't quite put her finger on, "Thanks, James. I'll be lucky to have someone like you fighting on my side."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, Commander," Vega temporarily shoved his worry and frustration to the back burner as he offered her a forced grin, "Anyway, I think from now on, when we stop by this way, I'm gonna keep to the lower levels, away from all this pompous bullshit. If you get a chance, you should come down and have a drink with me some time."

"Are you asking me on a _date_ , Lieutenant?" she smiled wide, her pearly teeth glinting in the artificial lights.

"Uh, I… I mean, no, I just—" he stammered, heat rising to his cheeks as he struggled to find his voice.

"I'm messing with you, James," she snorted a laugh and slugged him playfully on the shoulder, "I'm gonna go check on the LC one more time before I head back to the Normandy. I'll shoot you a message when we're ready to move on."

With that, she sauntered away, leaving him reeling while he watched her go, her shapely hips swaying hypnotically as she passed into the elevator and out of sight. This wasn't good — none of this was good. Shepard had never actually told him Melloria was dead, he'd simply assumed, but after piecing together the things she'd said earlier in the hospital, it was obvious she'd at least thought as much. However, if the commander's intuition was to be believed, the woman was very much alive and aboard the ship he'd just promised to return to.

James wanted to wish the best for Shepard. He wanted to be able to forget what had been building between them and let her have this small victory in her life. But, the way she'd gone so quickly from begging him not to throw away their friendship, right back to what seemed like outright flirting again, gave him an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. She wasn't the manipulative type, that much he was sure, so that wasn't the cause of the flip-flop. But, it was sorely apparent that the situation had thrown her for a loop and she was having as hard of a time as he was with the idea of shifting their dynamic. When she'd hinted at the feelings they shared, the feelings he'd been trying to convince himself weren't reciprocated, he could see the ambiguity that swirled through her platinum eyes.

_I knew it was a bad idea anyway. Guess this just makes it easier… stop it before it could go too far._

He knew better than that, though. It had already gone too far for him — the complete antithesis of how things had gone with Treeya. Since the day that he'd told Zoe she drove him crazy, every time he'd laid eyes on her, only one thought went through his head; How could he somehow wiggle his way past Alliance regulations, and her own heavily armored barriers, to finally convince her to let someone care for her the way she truly deserved? Love was a strong word, and he hesitated to use it, but what had grown inside of him those past months was infinitely more than just hero worship or a childish crush. If this was the end, if he really had lost any chance that he may have had, he needed to be sure that, whatever she was getting herself into, she would be safe in the process. And he knew exactly who he had to visit to find that out.

* * *

 

"I'm sorry, James. I wish I could give you what you're looking for, but her record is clean," Dr. T'soni was steadily typing away at the broker terminal, regretfully refusing to meet his gaze.

"It's almost too clean, doc, don't you think?" James paced behind her, pouring over the data pad, that had been loaded with Melloria's background history, for what must have been the tenth time so far.

"Well, she's been in a coma for years. There wasn't much of an opportunity for her to find trouble. She was granted an honorable discharge from duty two years after Akuze, while she was still catatonic, but beyond that, there's nothing, aside from her hospital release date, which was a little over a year ago. Everything she's said so far checks out."

"Can a person even be in a coma for that long? It seems a little far fetched," he slung the pad down on the desk nearby and leaned a hip against the edge of it, "Have you heard anything from Doctor Chakwas?"

"Why don't you go talk to her yourself?" the asari's tone was sincere as she finally turned to look at him, concern blanketing her features.

"They're still in there. I don't want to be around that. Something's not right about her. She gives me the creeps," he shivered at the thought.

"Maybe…," the doctor hesitated, taking a careful step towards him before continuing, "And I don't mean any disrespect by this, but is it possible that you feel that way because of how you feel about Shepard?"

"I don't know what you're talkin' about, doc," he crossed his arms defensively, shifting his weight to one foot and turning his head to break away from her brilliant, searching eyes.

Liara let out a heavy sigh, appearing to consider her words for a moment before she finally spoke again, "James… I've been in love with Shepard since the moment I met her."

" _What?_ " as much as he probably should have expected it, her confession still shocked him.

"I'm only telling you this because I know the effect she can have on people, more than anyone. She's my dearest friend, and I love her very deeply, but I know, in my heart, that I can't put my own selfish needs over her happiness," she stepped closer and placed a comforting hand on his bicep, "I can tell she cares about you very much, and I don't know what will happen with Melloria. It doesn't feel right to me either, but I trust Shepard to take care of herself, and follow her heart to what is best for her, in the end."

"Does she… know how you feel?"

_Dios, this is awkward…_

"Yes. I told her years ago when we worked together during the Saren days," a forlorn shadow fell over the asari's visage, "She loves me, too, but not in the same way. She sees me as a sister… but my feelings for her will never change."

"I'm sorry, doc," his words came softly, laced with genuine sympathy.

"No reason to be sorry. I accepted it a long time ago. Shepard told me how much she opened up to you back on Earth. It takes… a lot for her to share in that way. I'm not sure how you did it, but you should consider yourself lucky to have had the opportunity to see that side of her," a hint of moisture twinkled in the doctor's sapphire eyes, "Don't throw away what you have with her over something as petty as jealousy."

"I'm not —" he exhaled heavily, "Okay, maybe I'm a little jealous. But, I still think there's more to O'Brien than she's letting on. When she looked at me in the hospital… something about her just seemed… evil."

"I can understand what you're feeling, James, but I suggest you don't let Shepard know you see it that way. It will only serve to drive her away from you," Liara turned away from him and back towards the glowing terminal, with a sigh, "I'll keep digging, see if I can find anything else, but please don't let her know I'm doing this for you. And in the mean time, just try to be understanding with her. She's been through so much, she deserves for something to go right just once in her life."

"I know, doc. And thanks," he started for the door, a heaviness in his soul at the thought that he wasn't alone in his feelings for Shepard, "I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and her. I mean that."

"That's very kind of you, James," the asari gave a small, appreciative smile, "I'll let you know right away if I find something."

He nodded stiffly and made his way out of the room. Across the way, Zoe and Melloria were exiting the med bay hand in hand, both women smiling broadly as they chatted. All the moisture in James' mouth seemed to dry up like sandpaper at the sight, and he swallowed hard, tearing off towards the elevator to escape to the shuttle bay.

"James! I need to talk to you," Shepard called after him, but he pretended as if he hadn't heard, and continued on without pause.

He was inside the lift a second later and was about to push the controls to take him down when she appeared in front of him, slipping inside before the doors had a chance to shut her out. He cursed internally, but put on an air of indifference as he leaned a shoulder against the wall, causally hooking his thumbs in his belt loops.

"Didn't you hear me call you?" she furrowed her brow, obviously irritated by his blatant attempt to ignore her.

"Nope," he answered, icily.

With an exasperated breath, she trudged onward, "I wanted to tell you that Dr. Chakwas' scans all came back normal. That, along with the information that Liara unearthed, proves it, James. That woman in there is Melloria. There's no doubt about it now."

"You know, if she's a clone, she'd have the same DNA," he pointed out, "And backgrounds aren't that hard to falsify."

"You assume I didn't think of that," Shepard cocked an eyebrow haughtily, "We ran her fingerprints and did a retinal scan as well. Perfect match."

Vega shrugged nonchalantly, but he was well aware that his seeming apathy was coming off as cold dismissal, "Good. I'm glad you're happy."

Zoe scoffed, turning her nose up at him in disgust, "No, you're not. You're _jealous_. I can see it all over your face."

"No, I'm _not_ ," he dropped his arms, balling his hands into tight fists, annoyance seething through him, "I'm worried about you, Shepard. You and Liara and Chakwas and everyone else on this damn ship can tell me that she's who you think she is… hell, my own madre could come back from the grave and tell me she's the real deal, but that's not gonna stop me from feeling like something about this whole thing is off."

The lift doors slid open and he shot out into the shuttle bay, done with the conversation, done with her infuriating refusal to consider the dangers that could easily come from this. She'd preached and preached about the galaxy living in willful ignorance of the Reapers. And yet here she was, doing the exact same thing because she was too enamored by what could be that she wasn't willing to accept that it may not be the happily ever after she was hoping for. Without another word to her, he disappeared into his alcove, going for the punching bag in an attempt to work off the tension that was simmering to a boil inside of him.

_You're never gonna be able to go back to just being her friend, and you know it, Vega…_

"This isn't over, Lieutenant, we're going to talk about this later," she called after him, the force with which she slammed her hand into the lift control sending a hollow thrum soaring through the air, as the door shut tight between them.

When Shepard returned to the mess hall, Melloria was still waiting for her outside the elevator. She pushed herself off the wall and sauntered towards the commander with a come-hither look in her eyes.

"How'd it go with Muscles?" Mel snaked her arms around Zoe's waist, pulling her close and placing a soft kiss to her forehead.

"Muscles? Not sure he'll appreciate that nickname," Shepard chuckled half-heartedly.

"Who cares? He's nothing but a blockhead marine. All brawn, no brains," the nasty smirk that spread across the redhead's lips sent a cold shiver down Shepard's spine, and she backed away slightly.

"You don't even know him, Mel. He's a good guy, just give him a chance," grey eyes pleaded with green, as the commander took another step back and out of the embrace.

"Why? He's obviously not going to give me a chance. Did you see the way he looked at me back at Huerta?" Mel pointed out, defensively.

"He's got good reason to be… a little wary," Zoe said, hesitation and tensity apparent in her words, "If you knew my history, you'd understand why he's worried."

"I did plenty of reading up on you, babe. I know your history. But I let you put me through the ringer just to prove to you that I'm really me," the redhead's voice rose slightly in agitation, "I wouldn't do that for just anyone. And do I have to remind you that no one has ever understood the bond between us? You can't suspect someone that's so obviously hung up on you to get it either."

"It's not like that. We're just good friends. He's protective of his crew mates, that's all," Shepard reassured her, but she knew Mel could tell she was lying from the way her emerald gaze narrowed slightly.

"Bullshit," Mel turned a shoulder to Zoe, dismissively, "You're in love with him, aren't you?"

"What? No!" Shepard shook her head furiously in denial, but her next words spilled forth before she could stop them, "I mean, before you came back, we — I… Nothing was happening, but…"

"But you were hoping it would, right?" Mel cut her off, but a second later, the anger drained out of her as quickly as it had appeared, and she let out a heavy sigh, "Why am I doing this? I'm sorry, Z. I'm just on the defensive because I was so glad I finally found you and when I saw how he looked at you and me together… I was afraid you'd moved on and forgotten about me."

"Mel…" Zoe stepped cautiously towards the other woman, "I could never forget you, you know that."

"Yeah, I know," she leaned down, nudging her forehead sweetly against Shepard's, "Come on, let's go spend some quality time together. It's been way too long since I had my hands all over that gorgeous body of yours."

The commander cleared her throat awkwardly, "Mel, I don't… I'm not sure if that's such a good idea. Maybe we should take this slow, get to know each other again before we rush into bed."

"Fine, have it your way," an odd glimmer of emotion flashed through Melloria's eyes, and Zoe could have sworn it was anger, but a second later it dissipated, "Can we just sit and talk then? We've got a lot of catching up to do."

"Well, it's getting late… or early? But, I think I can spare a few minutes, for you," Shepard took the redhead's hand and led her into the elevator.

When they crossed into the commander's cabin, Melloria was noticeably impressed with what she saw. She scanned the room with wide eyes, her attention lingering for a moment on the terminal and data pads strewn across the desk. The redhead peered up to the shelves behind her, and her gaze paused on the cage that sat perched upon them.

"Is… that a _hamster_?" she asked with a bewildered expression.

Zoe gave a soft chuckle and stepped up behind the other woman, "Yeah. The crew likes to call him Space Hamster, but I lovingly refer to him as Fernando."

Mel spun around with a wide grin, "Do you remember when we used to dance to that song?"

"Did you expect me to forget?" the commander shook her head, the smile infecting her own lips as she was swept into an embrace and twirled across the room.

As the taller girl burst into song, Shepard felt her heart leap practically right out of her chest, "There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright—"

"Fernando!" her laugh echoed through the room as a wave of sentimentality engulfed her — it was like old times, and in that moment every danger that they were facing in the outside world seemed to dissolve into thin air.

"God, I missed you, Z," Mel stopped in her tracks and pulled Zoe in close, "I'm okay with waiting for the other stuff, but you've gotta at least let me kiss you, please."

Shepard's heart didn't want to resist, but her brain was screaming at her to pull away. She couldn't understand why she felt so conflicted. Perhaps it had something to do with the lieutenant. As much as she hated to admit it to herself, she'd felt more than one pang of guilt about how she'd handled things with him, just in the short time since they'd left Huerta. Zoe knew he had her best interests at heart. She knew he was just being protective. And she was fairly positive he cared about her the way she had for him. But all that knowledge only threatened to completely derail the emotional roller coaster that she'd been riding on for the past two days.

_Why the hell are you thinking about James, when you've got the love of your life standing right in front of you?_

She wasn't sure if the words her heart spoke were legitimate enough to listen to, but before she could dwell on it any longer, Melloria broke the silence, "Z? Hello?"

"Huh?"

"I lost you for a minute there. You look like you spaced out," her jewel-toned eyes searched Zoe's face with concern, "Are you okay?"

Shepard blinked rapidly, a sudden wave of exhaustion sweeping over her, "Yeah, It's just been… a really long day."

"A lot to take in all at once, huh? Have you even slept at all since you left Earth?" Mel swept her hand across the commander's cheek, and tilted her chin up with one finger, "Let's get you to sleep, babe. You look rough, you need to rest."

Zoe nodded lethargically, and followed Melloria to the bed, plopping down on the edge and struggling to kick her boots off her feet. Mel knelt down on the floor in front of her to assist the process. She tossed the heavy shoes behind her and slid her hands slowly up the sides of Shepard's legs, staring up at her with a look of pure adoration. Against her better judgement, Zoe allowed the other woman to help slip off her cargo pants. A minute later, the commander was sprawled back on the bed as the alluring redhead slinked her way up her body, trailing kisses along her stomach and chest.

Melloria's hand snaked up underneath Shepard's t-shirt, causing her breath to hitch in her throat. Peach lips found maroon ones as the long-lost lover finally claimed the kiss she'd been waiting for. Zoe felt as if she would melt right into the mattress, as Mel's tongue slid gently between her lips, begging for entry. As she parted her mouth and welcomed the advance, they both let forth moans that were almost synchronized in timing and intensity. Shepard's hand found the back of Melloria's head, tangling her fingers into the short, silky copper strands as she coaxed her down to deepen the kiss. Mel's hand shifted from Zoe's waist, further down towards the hem of her underwear, and as she began to slip her fingers beneath the cottony fabric, the commander's brain called out to her in a panic.

_Too soon, Shepard! Think about this! It's too soon!_

She knew her mind was right, but her hormones and the nostalgia of the feelings were getting the better of her. Shepard willed herself to fight against the sentimentality and forced her own hand down to stop Mel's progression.

The redhead pulled away, looking completely perplexed, "What's wrong?"

"I told you, Mel, I'm not ready for this," Zoe's brow scrunched with regret, "I'm sorry, I just need some time."

Melloria's lips twitched up at the sides, "You always were a little tease."

Something about the way she said it caused Shepard to feel more than a little uneasy, "I'm not trying to be. I missed you, Mel, but things are so different now. I'm not the same person I was all those years ago. What if you find out you don't even like the person I am now?"

_You're being too hard on her, Shepard. This is what you've been wishing for for years — a chance to make up for your mistakes, to beg for forgiveness and make things right with her._

"Zoe," Mel rolled off the commander and helped her sit up, staring at her purposefully as she spoke, "I know how hard your life had been since Akuze, but I don't care who you are now. I've always loved you, and I always will. You deserve to be happy, and I'm here to make sure you get what you deserve."

Shepard couldn't put her finger on the reason why, but coming from Melloria's lips, the last sentence seemed unnervingly strange. She knew, from the reverent look on Mel's face, that she was telling the truth, but still, a feeling of disquiet was puddling in the pit of Zoe's stomach. Something was off, and her base intuition was pleading with her to accept it, but her heart was stronger, urging her to ignore her trepidations for once. Mel was right, after all, she deserved to be happy, for _something_ to go right for once. She'd become so jaded over the years, so used to things falling apart once they'd finally started to piece themselves together, that she simply expected the worst from every situation. This would be different, though — _it had to be_.

"Stay with me tonight?" Zoe requested, her words weighted with desperation.

Melloria pushed a strand of hair out of Shepard's eyes and cupped her cheek sweetly, "Of course, babe. There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

They shared another slow, lingering kiss before curling up under the covers, the commander's back pressed flush against Mel's chest. It was warm and soothing and familiar, yet Zoe couldn't silence the inner dialogue that was echoing through her mind. Her brain and heart were arguing amongst themselves to the point that, even wrapped up in the arms of the one person that had brought her true comfort in her life, she could find no semblance of peace. Sleep wasn't going to come easily tonight, and she was sure she would pay for it in the morning.


	10. Tattered and Torn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say this time around, except that Garrus makes a reappearance, finally, and I don't know about anyone else, but I've been very much looking forward to it. ^.~ Love that snarky turian to death. I usually post more than one chapter on here at a time because it goes up quicker over on FanFiction, since I'm still getting used to how AO3 works. Anyway, just want to send a big thanks to those that have given kudos, comments, and bookmarked the story, I sincerely hope that those of you who are following along silently are enjoying the story and thank you so much for sticking with it so far. Hope you like this new chapter and have a lovely day!

Zoe's faced scrunched in frustration at the unwelcome intrusion of light that flooded her cabin. The alarm was blaring on the bedside table, and glancing through hazy vision, she could see she'd slept through at least five minutes of the infernal beeping. With a groan, she rolled to the side and threw her stiff legs off the edge of the bed, pushing herself up reluctantly.

"EDI, is there a reason why you turned my lights on?"

"I'm sorry, Shepard. When you did not respond to your alarm after several minutes I thought perhaps you needed further prompting. I understand it may be hard for you to become readjusted to your previous schedule. I was only trying to assist with the transition."

"It's fine, you're right," Shepard gave a long stretch and stood, "You're right, I'm off my game. Thanks for trying to help, EDI. How far out are we?"

"You're welcome, Commander. We'll be reaching Palaven in approximately an hour and a half."

"Sounds good, let me know when we get close. I'll be in the shuttle bay if you need me."

"I suggest you have some breakfast. A healthy meal plan is essential to maintaining peak physical form and —"

"Okay, that's enough EDI, thank you."

"My pleasure, Shepard."

Zoe could have sworn she detected a hint of sarcasm in those last few words. EDI was picking up human inflection a little too well lately, but she was happy to know the AI was adjusting well to her freedom. The commander dressed for the day ahead and crossed to her desk to shuffle through some data pads for any new reports on the status of Earth. She thought back on the previous mission — Mars had taken more out of her than she'd have liked to admit. There had been too many months in between, stuck in a cell with nothing to do but ruminate over everything that had happened so far. She was weaker, both mentally and physically, and she was itching to get back to it again, if only to shake the rust off. The Archives were a good start, but she'd need a hell of a lot more action to get back to herself.

Suddenly, it dawned on her that Melloria was no where in sight. A sense of panic cascaded over her at the woman's unexplained disappearance, until she noticed the sound of the shower running in the bathroom behind her. A second after she heard it, it stopped, and the door slid open as Mel sauntered out, still naked and dripping with moisture. Zoe's breath caught in her throat at the sight, her cheeks flushing bright red.

"Hey, hot stuff," the slender redhead flashed her a seductive grin, as she slid the towel down her taut stomach, "You look like hell."

"Gee, thanks," Zoe's faced scrunched in annoyance at the less than charming observation, "I didn't sleep very well last night."

"I did, especially with you wrapped up in my arms," Melloria edged closer, squeezing the water from her bronzy locks, and the commander couldn't seem to stop her eyes from trailing down the girl's pale, lithe frame, "Still like what you see?"

"Huh? Uh…" Shepard stammered, and turned away quickly with a light chuckle, "I… Yeah. You're as beautiful as you've always been, but I think you probably know that."

"Damn right," Mel stepped up to Zoe's back and slipped her arm around her waist, "And so are you. Though… If you ask me, you looked better with black hair. This color is just so not you, babe."

Shepard's hand jumped instinctively to her head, "But… I like it like this."

"Yeah. I'm guessing you like tattoos now too?" Melloria pulled back, grabbing her clothes and making her way down the steps, instantly taking on a cold and distant tone, "I noticed all that ink on your legs last night. You weren't lying when you said you're different now, huh?"

"No. I mean, I'm basically still the same person, but I guess I just… finally started letting myself be who I want to be," Zoe shrugged, "I spent so many years of my life worrying about what everyone else thought of me… when Admiral Anderson first handed over the Normandy to me, I was so proud of what I'd accomplished up to that point, I felt like I deserved to let myself be free for once."

"Something holding you back before?" Mel's voice was laced with an icy antagonism that sent a chill up Shepard's back.

The commander thought for a moment, unsure how to respond. At first, she couldn't come up with a decent answer to the question, then, without warning, it dawned on her.

"The memory of you…"

Melloria stayed silent as she finished dressing, but when she was done, she turned to Zoe, her eyes dark with rancor, "What are you trying to say, Z?"

"N-Nothing… I just felt so guilty about what happened to you. I… knew you never liked that kind of thing, so I guess I held off doing it all out of respect for you," it was something Shepard had never considered before, and confessing it right to Mel's face made her stomach swim with nausea, "I… never wanted to do anything to make you unhappy, but you were gone… had been for years."

"I wasn't gone… I was _alive_. Trapped inside my head. Suffering. _Alone_ ," Mel stomped back up the steps, staring Zoe down with unmasked skepticism.

"I didn't know! If I had, I would have been right by your side the whole time, you know that!"

_And then you wouldn't have been able to stop Saren, or the Collectors… you would have been so stuck on nursing her back to health, that the galaxy would have fallen apart around you — Shut up, she needed me and I wasn't there. She needed me and I abandoned her. — No, you thought she was dead. You had to move on or you would have lost yourself completely._

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose hard, in an attempt to squash the squabbling voices inside her mind. It was giving her a headache, and her entire body was beginning to quiver under the stress of all the convoluted feelings that refused to recede.

"I'm going to get some breakfast and try to clear my head. I suggest you do the same," Melloria's harsh tone snapped her out of her thoughts, "You were right, we both need some time to figure things out. I knew you'd have changed, I just didn't think you'd have turned into a totally different person once I was out of your life."

"Mel, I didn't—" Shepard's throat felt parched and her words were strained with sadness, but the redhead had heard enough.

Melloria brushed past the commander, and towards the door, but before she could reach the exit, she stopped in her tracks, "Are you at least going to take me with you on your next mission?"

Zoe felt her body seize up at the thought of taking the other woman out into the field. If something were to happen…

"No, but not because I don't want you fighting with me."

"Yeah, I get it," the redhead approached the threshold, crossing through the door as it slid open in front of her, "Afraid you'll let me get hurt again, right?"

She didn't even wait for the commander to respond before she made her way into the hall and out of sight. Shepard slunk back against the wall and let her body slide slowly to the floor. She rested her elbows on her knees, burying her face in her hands, willing herself not to break into a million pieces.

_Be strong, Shepard. You've made it through worse. You'll make this right. You have to…_

Before she could let herself wallow any longer, she pushed herself up and went to the bathroom to get herself together. While she was applying her makeup, she made the somewhat unwise decision to forego breakfast. Instead, when she was done, she headed down to the shuttle bay with plans to go over her weapons setup and strategy for the coming fight. When she arrived on the lower level, James was already occupying the weapon bench and she felt an overwhelming urge to retreat back into the lift, but forced herself to approach him anyway.

"Hey, Commander," he greeted her without looking up from his task, "You doin' okay?"

"It's still strange hearing other people call me 'Commander' again… besides you, I guess. You never would cut that shit out," she teased, already feeling slightly better just being in his presence.

"Well, what can I say? You'll always be Commander to me," he tossed her a sickly sweet smile, and her eyes practically rolled out of their sockets.

"How kind of you, James," she mimicked the expression with equal saccharine, "So, what do you think of things around here so far?"

"It'd good. Nicest ship I've ever been stationed on. Crew's great, too. But, honestly, I can't get over how hard of a time the LC was givin' you before Eva got a hold of her," he turned to her, leaning his hip against the bench and Zoe couldn't help but feel very glad that he'd managed to somehow find his way aboard the Normandy in all the chaos that had ensued on Earth, "You think she'll keep that up once she comes back around?"

"As long as she can, probably," Shepard flashed him a half-smile, "Ashley and I have always butted heads, she's not gonna let the past die so quickly."

"It doesn't seem right, to let her talk to her commanding officer like she does," his concern for her was touching, but misguided.

"You'll learn pretty quickly just how… _unconventional_ this crew is. We're more like squabbling siblings than a group of professionals."

"But, Shepard—"

"It works out well for us, Lieutenant," she cut him off, "I know it's probably not what you're used to, but you'll adjust. Everyone gets a say on my ship — there's no one person making the decisions, if I can help it. It's all about balance and trust. If I can't trust my crew to give me an honest opinion on how I'm operating, I can't expect them to trust me when I'm forced to make the decisions on my own. This is a family first, a crew second, and our dynamic has kept us alive this long. I expect it to be even more invaluable this time around."

"Understood, Commander," he nodded his agreement, considering the idea of bringing up Melloria, since she'd been clear in their previous conversation that the issue would come up again, but she beat him to the punch.

"It's so strange having Mel back…" as soon as she spoke the words, she looked as if she regretted them.

"Strange? I thought you'd be pretty happy about it, now that you know for sure it's her."

"We need to get ready for the mission," she started off towards the lockers to retrieve her armor, and he followed along behind her, thinking she would simply ignore his comment, but a moment later she continued, "Can I be honest with you, James?"

"Yeah, of course. I told you back on Earth, whatever you need to talk about, I'm here."

Truthfully, he would have rather been anywhere else, talking about anything but this. He wasn't about to tell her that though. As much distrust and envy he might be harboring for O'Brien, he still planned to hold true to his promise to Shepard. She was still his commander, and his hero, even if his feelings for her were starting to drain away, slowly replaced by bitter despondency.

"I thought I would be happy. I played over how it would be to see her again about a million times in my head… but I'm starting to think she resents me for what happened to her," Zoe yanked her locker open forcefully, sending several pieces of her armor crashing to the floor.

"It's been less than a day, Lola, just give it time," he reached down to retrieved the fallen grieves, and when he handed them to her, she passed her hand lightly over his fingers.

"Lola?" a minuscule smile tickled the corners of her dark lips as she gazed up at him, "Is that my name now, since you can't stand to say my real one?"

"I don't know, you kinda look like a Lola," he shrugged, "My best friend growing up had a sister named Lola. Older sister. Hot. _Tough_."

"Well, it's not exactly what I was hoping for, but you're cute, so I'll let you get away with it… for now," Zoe threw him a cheeky wink, the grin spreading wide across her face.

"No offense, Commander, but… maybe we should cool it with the flirting, since, uh…" James trailed off, turning away from her to open his own locker.

Shepard's back went rigid at the suggestion. She knew he was right, but she instantly didn't like the idea. And the fact that her first thought was to outright refuse to cool it, to flat out tell him ' _hell no_ ', sent her mind into a state of total disarray. She'd been torn in two directions about more than one situation in her lifetime, but never about two _people_. Before meeting and falling in love with Melloria, she'd never had a single romantic connection to anyone in her life. After what she'd thought was the girl's death, she'd gone dormant again. Kaidan had been the only exception, and that hadn't been true affection, so much as loneliness that needed an outlet.

It was only when the lieutenant had stepped into the picture that Zoe had felt that connection again. She'd been so sure, for years before, that Mel had just been a fluke — that she wasn't the kind of person that was meant for a life filled with love and companionship. But James had changed that. If Melloria hadn't shown back up…

_He's a soldier, you're his commanding officer. He never would have taken the risk of being with you, and even if he'd wanted to, you wouldn't have let him._

After a long moment of awkward silence, she finally replied, "Yeah, you're right. Old habits, I guess…"

"I know what you mean," he couldn't stand to talk about it any longer, so he quickly changed the subject, "Those council goons are something else, huh?"

"As noncommittal and unhelpful as always," Shepard collected the pieces of her armor and stepped behind a stack of crates to suit up.

"But we're still gonna help 'em, aren't we?"

"We don't have much of a choice… I'm getting really tired of saying that," she let out a heavy sigh, "We're headed to rescue a turian primarch from Palaven."

"Sounds like fun. Never been to the turian homeworld," he finished up with his own armor and leaned back against the lockers, "Is… she going with us?"

"No," Zoe replied quickly, her tone a little more firm than she'd intended, "I'm… not ready to have her out in the field yet. She didn't like it, but after what happened on Akuze, I…"

She let the sentence fall flat without finishing it, and he couldn't help but ask, "What exactly happened?"

"Surely you've heard the stories," her head popped up over the crate to throw him a questioning look.

"Rumors, mostly. Nothing straight fact."

"I'll make you a deal. You tell me about Fehl Prime, I'll tell you about Akuze," she hastily completed her task and stepped back out into the open, "How about it?"

"Yeah, maybe," as much as he wanted to know about the circumstances surrounding the event that had so heavily scarred her, he was reluctant to open up, himself.

"Look," she crossed over to him, her expression serious and resolute, "I want to be real with you. What we talked about back on the Citadel — We do need you, but more than that… _I_ need you, okay? I wouldn't have made it through being locked away if you'd never shown up."

He sputtered a laugh, "You're full of shit, Shep. You woulda been fine."

"No," she said sharply, "I wouldn't have. I was going insane in there. Doing things I never would have even contemplated before. Middleton? Remember that guy? Who rips someones _finger_ off? That wasn't me. I don't know who I was in that moment, but I wasn't me. If you hadn't come along when you did, I don't know what else I might have done."

"He deserved worse for what he tried to do to you, Lola," he assured her, "Regardless… I'm glad Anderson chose me for the job."

"Me too. No matter what happens with… Anyway, you're my friend. You were there for me when I needed a friend the most," the smile returned to her face as she gazed up at him, only barely managing to hide the shimmer of admiration in her eyes, "And I'm glad you decided to stay on board."

He felt his neck flush with heat at the look she was giving him, "Yeah, me too, Shepard."

Before they could take the conversation any further, Joker's voice flooded the room from the overhead intercom, "We're approaching Palaven, Commander. Might want to prep your squad, looks like a shit storm's brewing out there."

"Copy that, Joker," her face lit up with excitement, as she bounded off towards the weapons bench, "Come on, James, get your gear together. We've got a primarch to save."

* * *

 

_Fucking husks!_ There was a dozen of them, at least, their glowing eyes glinting like eerie blue stars on the horizon. The creatures were completely blocking the path to the comm tower controls, but Shepard was having none of their nonsense, as she dove head first into the thick of the throng. James watched in awe as she charged them, teeth gritted and eyes wild. Not even bothering to pull out a gun, she deployed her omni-blade, hacking through them as if they were made of melted butter. Heads flew this way and that, rolling along the ground like bowling balls, until a heap of decapitated monsters lay twitching at her feet. By the time she was done with the slaughter, she was panting heavily, but as she glared down at the pile, a gruff, delighted chuckle danced its way out of her lips.

"Damn, I never get tired of killing those things," she turned back to Liara and James, and he almost laughed, himself, at the sight of her.

Zoe's hair was a mess, falling in wild tendrils out of her bun, and she'd somehow smeared eyeliner all the way back to her temples. Blood trickled down the bridge of her nose from a scratch on her forehead that she'd no doubt gotten when the last husk had lunged at her throat. But it was that satisfied smile on top of it all, beaming like a beacon through the darkness of Menae, that really knocked the breath right out of the lieutenant. He didn't even realize he was standing there gaping at her until Liara coughed loudly to rouse him from his daze.

"We should get to the tower," the doctor said a little louder than she needed to.

"Right, come on," Shepard nodded, darting towards the terminal, still grinning from ear to ear, "Shit! We can't repair it from here. Liara, get up there and take care of it. James and I will cover you."

"You better share this time, Lola," he nudged his shoulder into hers, "Ain't fair if you're the only one havin' all the fun."

"Ha! I'm not making any promises there, Vega," she bit her lip, tossing him an exhilarated gaze that sent waves of heat coursing through his veins, "Whoever gets the highest kill count wins?"

"What's the prize?" he smirked, and from the corner of his eye he could see pulsating red orbs of energy materialize in the distance, dropping more husks to the ground ahead of them.

"Winner's choice!" Shepard drew her rifle and began picking them off without even giving him a chance to agree.

James was all in, though, and as she took the left flank, he focused on the right. There seemed to be more coming in on her side, but he had the disadvantage of sneak attacks coming from over the ledge of the cliff nearby. It was easy enough to pick them off as they struggled to claw their way onto solid ground, but that allowed the earth side monsters to advance on him while he was distracted. Zoe kept throwing glances over her shoulder, shouting out her number tauntingly, at the same time making sure he wasn't getting overwhelmed by the swarm.

The lieutenant was damn impressive in a fight. Every time she thought the beasts had the upper hand on him, and was poised to run the assist, he'd knock the things on their asses with a powerful carnage blast or a crushing smash to the skull with the butt of his gun. They were almost neck and neck in their kill count when she heard Vega curse loudly behind her. Zoe planted a shot right between the eyes of the last husk that was advancing on her before turning her attention to her comrade. One of the creatures was on him, fighting to disarm the marine, and two more were speeding his way.

Shepard wasted no time springing to the rescue. She rammed her shoulder into the closest one, knocking it to the ground and crushing it's skull with her boot heel, before spinning around to empty her thermal clip into the second abomination. Lunging towards the lieutenant, she grabbed the final husk by the sides of its head and wrenched it off her friend, awarded by the sickening snap of its neck before it fell lifeless into the dirt.

"Thanks, Commander," he panted, wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his armored hand.

"I'm _beating_ you, James," she ribbed, as if the close call hadn't worried her one bit, "What _gives_?"

"Hey, we're not done yet, hermosa," he chuckled, pointing behind her at the new Reaper troops that were being expelled in the distance.

"I've got the comm tower fixed, Shepard!" their asari cohort cried, jogging towards them hastily.

"Good work, Liara," she commended her friend before radioing in to inform the general they'd succeeded.

Together, the three of them pushed through the remaining husks, making their way slowly and steadily back towards the encampment. When they passed over the barrier safely back inside, Shepard turned to face James and gave him a friendly slap to the chest, before slinging her gun over her shoulder into its holster.

"I think you actually beat me on that last leg, Lieutenant. I'm _impressed_ ," she walked backwards as she talked to him, her maroon lips curling up at the sides, and he couldn't help but notice how the dark lipstick she wore was smudged down her chin a bit — it was damn adorable.

"Here, Shepard, you've got a… um," Liara reached out and ran her thumb under Zoe's lip, wiping the streak away like a mother taking care of a mussed up child, "What do you mean, beat you?"

"Thanks," a hint of embarrassment flashed across the commander's features, "It was just a, uh, little friendly competition."

"Mhm," the doctor cast James a skeptical sideways glance, obviously noticing the way the pair were looking at each other — and even more obviously suspicious of the lieutenant's intentions.

Zoe turned away, put off by Liara's sudden maternal affections, and skillfully changed the subject as she jogged ahead of them, "Come on, you two, let's go see what the general has to say…"

* * *

 

Just like the Council, the general proved to be infuriatingly unhelpful, but as it had happened so many times before, a familiar turian face came waltzing to the rescue. She heard his voice before she even saw him, and Shepard's heart filled with a warm sense of security just to know he was there.

"Garrus!" she sprang forward when he plodded onto the platform, and wrapped her arms around his heavily armored frame without a care in the world as to who was watching.

"It's good to see you too, Commander," he hugged her tightly before stepping back with an inquisitive look, "It is Commander, again, right?"

"You're damn straight," she nodded, "I thought you'd be on Palaven."

"If we lose this moon, we lose Palaven. I'm the closest damn thing we've got to an expert on Reaper forces, so… I'm _advising_ ," he didn't sound particularly thrilled with his new position and there was no way she could fault him for it.

Corinthus stepped up with a respectful nod, "Vakarian, sir, I didn't see you arrive."

"At ease, General," Shepard had never heard him sound so formal, and she bit back a snicker at the display.

"James," she turned to the marine and took his arm, urging him forward, ecstatic to finally introduce the two men that had become such pillars in her life, "This is Garrus Vakarian, one of my oldest and dearest friends. He helped me stop Saren and the Collectors, among about a million other things."

"Aww, Shepard, you're going to make me blush," he drawled, offering his hand to the man for a shake, "Lieutenant, nice to meet you. And, Liara! It's good to see you too."

"I'm glad to see you in one piece, Garrus," the asari smiled warmly in greeting, and the group commenced their talks regarding who they were after and how they planned get there.

They were about to proceed with the mission when Joker radioed in to inform them of some strange business with EDI back aboard the ship, so Shepard was forced to send Liara back to investigate. The commander knew that with one less squad mate this was not going to be an easy fight, and it was about to get much worse.

James was the first to see the airborne monstrosity, as it shot up from behind the barricade beyond the encampment, "Incoming Harvester, headed for the airfield!"

The creature swooped in above them, no doubt dropping more Reaper troops right outside the airlock. The commander cast Garrus a knowing look as he slid a new thermal clip into his sniper rifle and cocked it swiftly.

"You coming with?" she smirked at the turian soldier.

"Are you kidding? I'm right behind you," he chuckled, drawing another gleaming smile from Shepard before she jogged off towards the barrier.

"Hey, James. Is that you I hear breathing so hard, back there?" Shepard teased the lieutenant mercilessly as they advanced together through the barricade.

"Atmosphere's a little thinner than I'm used to, is all," he wasn't about to admit that all those weeks of drowning himself in alcohol and then being made to work a sedentary job had taken a toll on him, "Adrenaline's better than oxygen any day."

" _Riiiight_ ," she scoffed, pulling her sniper rifle from her shoulder and checking the sight, as monsters dropped from crimson orbs dotting the skyline, "So what's the count?"

"I'm up by five," Vega reminded her with a cheeky grin.

"Oh, you found someone else to play our game with, did you? Shepard, I'm hurt," Garrus had to raise his voice over the noise of snarling beasts and echoing gunfire.

"Don't be sad, Vakarian, you're still my number one," she laughed, rolling to cover behind a boulder, right beside where James had taken up position.

"Is it just me, or do those things out there look like turians?" he looked concerned, and as focused on the battle as Shepard was, something about his furrowed brow and blood splattered cheeks gave her the overwhelming urge to crush her lips into his.

She cleared her throat, shoving the thought down guiltily before giving a simple replay, "Yeah, they do."

Zoe popped up from behind the rock, throwing a powerful biotic pulse and sniping a few of the monsters, before ducking back again.

_Mierda, she's good._

She was quickly lapping his score with that sniper rifle, and from across the way Garrus shouted out to her, "Nice one! Haven't lost your touch, Commander!"

"I learned from the best!" she leapt over the wall and took out the last two creatures, effectively doubling her previous count like it was nothing.

"I think we're done here," James scanned the perimeter, the dark ground spotted with mangled bodies and pools of blackened blood.

"Looks like you're gonna be buying me a drink, Vega," Zoe smoothed her hair back out of her face, "If my calculations are correct, I'm up by almost a dozen."

"Commander, we're still trying to raise the primarch but we've got trouble back here at the main barricade!" the generals voice flooded in over the comm, "If the Reapers breach it, we're done. I need you back here as soon as possible!"

"On our way, General!" she shot off like a cannon in the direction of the encampment, not bothering to wait around for the other two to catch up.

She was on the barricade in a flash, and James couldn't help but laugh out loud when she mounted the turret with an exhilarated holler.

"No way you're beating me now, Lieutenant," she cackled diabolically as she fired round after round into the mob of Husks.

"That ain't even fair, Lola!"

"Suck it up and shoot, Vega!"

"Why don't you two just get a room?" Garrus chimed in, the unwelcome comment causing heat to rush into Shepard's cheeks.

"Can it, Vakarian! Don't mess with the girl with the turret."

"Roger that, Commander!" the turian chuckled heartily and, with that, the group turned their attention to the task at hand.

They continued to banter back and forth like they were all old friends, putting James at ease in no time, as they relaxed into a steady pattern, their unit tight and capable. The lieutenant covered the left, Garrus the right, and Shepard manned the turret expertly as if it was an extension of her body. In no time at all the threat below was cleared and from her post on the big gun, the commander let out another whoop of victory. Their triumphant celebration was cut short, however, as a rumbling bellow filled the air around them, and a gargantuan creature dropped heavily onto the battlefield.

"What the hell is that thing?!" James had never seen anything like it before, and he instantly raised his gun back to his shoulder to fire at the abomination.

It came lumbering towards them with surprising speed, the shots barely nicking it as it crashed into the barricade underneath Shepard. The turret swung around violently, sending Zoe careening through the air, landing right at the monster's feet. The lieutenant's very soul was engulfed in terror as he watched her scramble backwards, trying desperately to find her feet.

"Shepard!" his cry caught the attention of the beast, and she was able to dash past it, finding cover behind a nearby bolder, "You okay?"

"I'm fine, Lieutenant!" she didn't sound fine, she sounded hurt, but he wasn't about to tell her that.

Her loud reply had drawn the brute's focus back to her, and as it came bounding towards Shepard, James saw her discharge her omni-blade before stepping out into plain view. No way she was crazy enough to try taking this thing on in hand to hand combat. But, to his shock and dismay, she barreled towards the behemoth, teeth bared and snarling ferociously. At the last second, she dropped to the ground and slid under its haunches, slicing the right one with her blade, almost lopping the appendage clean off. It howled in pain, blood oozing from the wound, dark and thick as tar. Shepard circled around, grabbing at the boney protrusions that stuck from the creature's sides, using them along with stabs of her blade as leverage, as she scaled its back like a rock climber conquering a mountain. At this point, there was nothing Garrus and James could do, lest they accidentally miss and hit the unhinged commander. Instead, they picked off the numerous husks that were still crawling around the perimeter like ants.

When she'd reached the monster's head, she slung herself across its hulking shoulder and brought her omni-blade to it's neck, dragging it quickly and deeply along the soft flesh of its throat. The Reaper let out another anguished roar, before jerking backwards, twisting wildly as it tumbled to the ground, leaving Shepard no time to jump away.

"It's on top of her!" Garrus jumped down from the barricade and dashed towards the scene, James close on his heels.

"Lola! God dammit!" he holstered his rifle and stooped to the ground beside her, "You in there?"

Shepard groaned loudly, blinking her eyes open and peering down at her legs, "It's got me pinned, but I'm fine. Just get this stinking thing off of me."

Together, the lieutenant and the turian were able to lift the thing just enough to allow the commander to wedge her lower half free. She stood shakily, and Vega offered her an arm to steady herself. Zoe cast him a thankful glance as she brushed herself off, kicking her legs out to shake away the throbbing ache.

"Well, that was exciting," she huffed.

"That was fuckin' loco, Shep. What the hell were you thinking?" James shook his head in disbelief that she was actually standing after that reckless display, "Now you got no reason to be gettin' on me about my crazy stunts."

"I saw an opening, and I took it," she shrugged like it was no big deal, and pressed her ear piece, "Corinthus, what's the word on the primarch?"

"Still can't get a stable comm link, Commander," the general informed regretfully, but Zoe didn't look the least bit put out.

"Alright, then we're going on foot," she rolled her shoulders back, turning her attention to Garrus, "Take me to the last place you saw Victus."

"You got it, Shepard," the turian nodded and motioned for them to follow him, "Just, maybe no more heart-stopping feats of heroics along the way?"

"Do you realize who you're talking to, Vakarian?" Shepard snickered as she unholstered her assault rifle and replaced the thermal clip, picking up her pace to trail him.

"Right, never mind. I don't know _what_ I was thinking."


	11. Misery Loves Company

The mission on Menae had gone about as well as expect. It wasn't perfect, but the job was done. James had a sneaking suspicion that it was a pattern that would repeat itself throughout this whole ordeal. He'd make the best of it, as he always did. It didn't hurt that their commander was some kind of unbreakable she-beast. He liked her, a _lot_ — now even more so than he had while they were sequestered together on Earth. He'd thought he'd seen every side of her then, but he was already starting to realize that there was even more behind the woman than he'd originally assumed.

If it weren't for Melloria, after seeing the commander so captivatingly dynamic on Menae, he might have decided to throw caution to the wind and finally make his move. On their off hours he spent his time going back and forth with himself over the little things that were off about O'Brien, trying to convince himself that Shepard was right — that he was just being paranoid. But the way Zoe talked about Mel, before flirting and giving him _that_ look, in the shuttle bay before the last mission had him mixed up in every different direction. She'd tried so hard to hide it, to play it off as friendly banter, but the attraction between them had always been so glaringly obvious.

_What the hell am I doing to myself?_

He'd asked that question entirely too many times since meeting her. He'd never overstep her boundaries or try to come between the two women, but damn if it wasn't going to be hard. What a fucking woman she was, and only proving more capable each time he witnessed her behind the scope of a firearm. She'd become unhinged, dirty and growling, like an animal protecting its territory. And that laugh, that smile. She could kill with a combo as deadly as that. He wondered if that kind of passion carried over into other aspects of her life.

_Stop it, Vega,_ he chastised himself, _You're in too fuckin' deep as it is. Forget it, never gonna happen._

Damn that woman, for being so much more than the stories ever could have described. Damn her and the hold she had on him, even if she was none the wiser. James desperately needed something to keep his mind off of her, if only for one night. He crossed to the weapons bench, thinking that maybe screwing around with his setup would distract him for a while. He was out of luck, though, because as soon as he fired up the device, footsteps approached behind him and the scent of her sweetened the stale air of the bay — biotics, gun smoke and peppermint; It was positively intoxicating.

He turned before she could even speak and said the first thing that came to his mind, "What the hell's up with EDI?"

Shepard shrugged, "She's found a new home, I guess."

"A super-hot, sexy home. You take her on a mission, I'm gonna be just a little bit distracted," he eyed her up and down, his gaze lingering on her chest for just a tad longer than he'd intended, "Even more distracted."

_Damn, pendejo, control yourself…_

"Nice try, Vega," she cocked her head to the side amusedly, "Thought you wanted to cool it with the flirting?"

"Yeah, sorry, Lola," he turned away and started towards his alcove, in an attempt to distance himself from her before the conversation could go any further, "Old habits…"

"James, wait," as she jogged up to him, he bit back the frustrated sigh that threatened to spill out, "Are you going to start avoiding me now or something?"

"Nah, just didn't realize you came to talk," James busied himself at his workbench, pretending to be very interested in anything he could find there, "What's up?"

"I… don't know, I didn't really have a topic," Shepard cleared her throat nervously, "I just… wanted to see you, I guess."

"Shouldn't you be catching up with O'Brien? You guys haven't really had a lot of time together so far."

"She hasn't talked to me much in a couple days," she leaned up against a stack of crates and drug her hand roughly down her face, "She's still mad at me for refusing to take her on missions."

He already knew the answer to the question on his lips, but he decided to ask it anyway, "Why won't you take her?"

Zoe stood up, straight as a board, a look of incredulity flashing across her face, "Because the last time we fought together she _died!_ Or… I thought she did…"

She fell heavily back onto the crates, looking weak and utterly exhausted. He wanted to point out what he'd mentioned to Liara, about how strange it was for someone to be in a coma for nearly an entire decade — how it was even stranger that she never received a single sliver of information about it. But at that moment, she looked so absolutely wrecked that all he could bring himself to feel was unconditional sympathy. She wouldn't have listened to reason anyway, but all the same, he wanted so badly to reach out for her, to hold her and reassure her that everything would work itself out. It was killing him inside to know that such a thing was entirely out of the question now, but he could at least let her know that he still honestly cared.

"Have you eaten lately? You're kinda pale," he stepped away from the bench, and when he approached her he noticed something even more disheartening, "Damn, Lola, you're shaking like a leaf."

"I skipped breakfast. I've had so much on my mind that I haven't had much of an appetite," she wouldn't have confessed it, but her brain was such a muddled mess that she wasn't wholly in control of her body.

"Did you skip _lunch_ too?"

"Well, between having to deal with the dalatrass and Wrex… updating Hackett on our progress, and trying to catch up with everyone while I had some down time… I guess it just slipped my mind…"

"Dios, Shepard," he shook his head in disbelief, turning around to rifle through a nearby container, "You've gotta start taking better care of yourself."

"I know, I've never been this bad about it before. But, so much has happened in such a short amount of time…"

"Here," James returned to her with a protein bar in one hand and a bottle of water in the other, "Eat this. Drink this. Then go get yourself some real food before we head out again. What's next on the agenda?"

She took them gratefully, "Thanks, James. We're headed to a secret Cerberus lab on Sanctum. Still an hour or two before we get there."

"It's getting late, you sure you're up for another run already?" he was being so incredibly compassionate.

Shepard felt a tug in her heart as if there were a string connecting it to him that he was yanking at with each kind word and action — the sensation had an odd familiarity about it, but, at the same time, was unlike anything she'd ever felt before.

"I'll be fine. It's only a quick in and out job to collect some data," she peeled the wrapper away from the bar and took a small bite, throwing him a teasing smirk, "Besides, you'll be there. If I fall out, you can just heft me over your shoulder."

"Right. You can take the rear, I'll cover the front," he snorted a laugh, "Go get some real food, Lola. We'll talk more later."

With that, he turned back to the bench and absorbed himself in work, hoping she'd take the hint and get going. A moment later, Shepard relented and made her way towards the lift, reluctant to leave, but fully aware that his concern was legitimate. Her life had always been fast-paced, with the exception of her time spent on house arrest, but the week since leaving Earth had been a different monster, entirely. It was wearing on her, and as skilled as she'd always been about hiding her inner turmoil, she knew that now it was starting to show itself in her outward countenance.

_Mel is going to see me looking peaked, and she's going to have something to say about it, I just know it…_

Zoe wasn't sure where the thought had sprung from, but she had a feeling it was accurate. Melloria had made more than one biting remark about how rough she looked lately. And, although James had pointed it out as well, his words had been wrought with pity; Mel's were just _harsh_. The commander was undoubtedly aware that there was a touch of bitterness simmering inside the redhead about what had happened on Akuze, and she couldn't blame her. She'd spent almost a decade resenting herself, so it was something she'd completely expected once the other woman had shown up. That didn't make it hurt any less, though, and having her back after all those years was already proving to be less of a blessing than she'd imagined it would be.

She finished up her snack as she crossed out of the elevator, around the short hallway, heading towards the kitchen area to heed James' request. Her stomach let out a loud gurgle, her limbs quivering and heavy with obvious signs of fatigue. As soon as Shepard passed into the mess hall, she caught sight of Melloria, siting at one of the long tables across from Garrus. They were talking and laughing, sharing stories of their various exploits, like old friends. The turian caught her eye and waved her over.

"Hey, Shepard," he greeted, "You didn't tell me your girlfriend here was such a spitfire. I think she could even give you a run for your money, if her stories are true."

"I'm sure they are," Zoe gave a forced half-grin, "She was wild back in the day."

Mel reached out and grasped Shepard's hand, pulling the commander down into her lap, "We had some amazing times, didn't we, babe?"

"Yeah, they were pretty great," the commander couldn't say why she felt so anxious being there, or why sitting in Melloria's lap made her feel marginally uncomfortable, but she chalked it up to the fact that Mel had still been steaming at her the last time they talked, "Does this mean we're okay now?"

The redhead shrugged, "I guess talking to Garrus here put me in a better mood. Reminded me of the old days, better times."

"Good," Shepard started to pull away from Mel's arms, "I was about to go get some food before we head out again."

"Wait," Melloria tightened her grip, refusing to let Zoe free, "I was hoping we could go catch up a little more while you've got a few hours of down time."

The commander hesitated, casting an uneasy glance at Garrus, hoping he could read the plea in her eyes for him to interject, but he either didn't catch it, or didn't understand what she was trying to communicate. What was making it so hard for her to say no to Melloria? Guilt: of course that was it. Shepard had yet to have a chance to apologize for what had happened on Akuze, and it was eating at her conscience. She didn't feel at all worthy of the fortune that had befallen her in the form of Mel's sudden reappearance. Guilt about their past, guilt about her feelings for the lieutenant, and guilt about the numerous ways she'd changed over the past decade — it was piling on top of her like dirt being slung into an open grave, threatening to bury her alive.

"Yeah, okay, come on," Zoe stood, still sluggish and wobbly, but she forced the feelings down as she led the way toward the Port Observation Deck.

Mel took a seat as soon as they entered, but Shepard crossed to the bar and poured herself a drink. She knew it wasn't the best idea to be imbibing before a mission, but if she didn't do something to calm her frazzled nerves, she was going to lose it at any minute. Melloria narrowed her eyes at the commander, as she slammed back the double shot and began to pour another.

The redhead cleared her throat to catch the other woman's attention, "Think you should slow down there, Z? You already look busted enough as it is. Getting wasted is only going to make it worse."

"I'm fine…" she had a strong urge to knock back the fresh glass as quickly as she had the previous one, but she resigned to sipping it slowly, as she joined Melloria on the couch to breach the subject she'd been avoiding for years, "Mel, I need to say something to you before we go any further with this, or I'm going to go insane worrying about it."

"You can tell me anything, Z, you know that," she placed a comforting hand on Zoe's knee to urge her onward.

"I need to tell you I'm sorry, for what happened to you. It was my fault, and I know it, and I'm starting to get the feeling you resent me for it," the commander shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she waited for a reply.

"I do resent you," Mel answered simply, as if it should come as no surprise, "What you did was stupid and reckless. You're lucky you didn't get us both killed. But that's part of the reason I wanted to find you… to give you a chance to make it up to me."

Shepard almost choked on a mouthful of whiskey, hardly able to believe the brutal honesty of what she was hearing, "H—How am I supposed to make it up to you, Mel?"

"You can _start_ by taking me on the next mission."

"I… I already put James and Garrus on the ground team this time," she stammered, "But, if that's what it's going to take, I promise, I'll bring you along on the next one."

"Fine…" Melloria agreed, but didn't look the least bit pacified, "Like I said, it's a start."

"What else can I do?" Zoe's grey eyes begged for a clear answer, but the other woman just shrugged.

"You'll figure something out," the redhead narrowed her gaze spitefully, "Maybe stop taking your pet Lieutenant on missions with you. I don't trust him."

"That's not fair, Mel. He's new to the team. I'm trying to get a feel for how he works in combat, and we fight well together. You still haven't given him a chance," Shepard clutched the glass so hard she was momentarily afraid it may shatter in her hand, "He's my friend…"

"Every time you're around each other… the way he looks at you — like someone kicked his puppy," Melloria's upper lip pulled up in a nasty sneer, "Makes me want to snap his neck."

Zoe's eyes shot wide in alarm, "That's… kind of harsh, Melloria."

The agitated woman sucked in a sharp breath through her nose, "Yeah, sorry. You know I'm protective of you, Z. I'm just glad I came along when I did, so he never had a chance to break your heart."

"He wouldn't —" Shepard began, but stopped herself short, knowing that what she'd been about to say would only irritate the confrontational girl all the more, "He wouldn't have gotten the chance. I don't feel that way about him."

"Maybe not anymore, but you did, didn't you?"

"No. Not at all. All we've ever been is friends," she said it with such conviction that she might have believed herself if she didn't know better, "You may be right that he had feelings for me, but I never reciprocated them, I swear. If you'd just talk to him, I really think the two of you would get along."

Mel let her features soften, and stood, taking a few steps towards the door, "Okay, if you think so, I'll do it right now."

Shepard felt her whole body go stiff. She hadn't actually thought Melloria would agree to the suggestion. An icy chill ran across her skin at the thought of what might come of a confrontation between the two. Without speaking another word, Mel sauntered out of the room, and Zoe made no move to follow. Though she knew that the best thing would have been for her to accompany them in case they were to end up at each other's throats, she would rather have been anywhere else in the world if all hell were to break loose. So, she stayed firmly planted on the sofa, nursing her beverage and praying helplessly to whatever deity might be listening that there would be no bloodshed in the shuttle bay that night.

* * *

"Lieutenant Vega. I think it's about time we had a chat."

It was the last voice in all the universe that James wanted to hear, and his blood ran frigid at the sound of it.

"I'm kind of busy right now," he wasn't busy at all — simply swinging at his punching bag, warming up for the coming mission — and it was blatantly obvious he was trying to avoid the inevitable altercation.

"I think Z would really like it if we talked," Mel stepped up behind him, uncomfortably close, almost breathing down his neck, "You want to make _Lola_ happy, don't you?"

He froze in place, dropping his fists to his sides, "What do you want, O'Brien?"

"Just to attempt to work out this tension between us, for the sake of Z's sanity," her words were sickly sweet, with a forced inflection that brought the taste of bile rising to the back of Vega's throat, "I see how you look at her, Lieutenant. I used to look at her like that too. But, she's spoken for. She might not've been when you met her, but she is now. I told you once, I'm not going to tell you again. She's _mine_ , so back the _fuck_ off."

"I already did," he edged away from her, fed up with the creeping, crawling feeling that the close proximity was giving him.

"Good. Now, keep it that way," she crossed her arms defiantly, staring him down with a look of utter loathing, "You know, she told me you were nothing but an obsessive fan boy. She never really liked you, she was afraid that if she didn't play your little flirting game, you'd come after her."

"Bullshit," James spun on his toes, his jaw clenched tight, hardly able to contain his rage, "Shepard wouldn't say something like that."

"Are you positive about that?" Mel narrowed her eyes hatefully, a smug grin tugging at the corner of her peachy lips, "'Cause the look on your face tells me you're not so sure."

"So, is that what Shepard wanted you to talk to me about?" he was absolutely confident it wasn't, but he wanted to see how far she would try to go with the manipulation.

"Yep. You freak her out. She's _scared_ of you," the redhead cocked her head to one side, scanning him up and down, "And who wouldn't be? You're a jarhead brute, with no self-control. I bet the only thing you know how to do well is fight."

He stormed towards her, closing the gap between them, his eyes ablaze with fury, "Get out of my goddamn shuttle bay with this mierda, or I swear to God—"

"What? Are you gonna hit me, Vega?" she leaned in, coming within inches of his face, "Go ahead, prove my point."

"You're not worth my fuckin' time," James receded, turning his back on her, "The commander may buy into your manipulative bullshit, but I see right through you, O'Brien. You may be who you say you are, but you damn sure aren't who Shepard thinks she remembers. And whether you want to believe it or not, she's starting to see it too."

She came up behind him again, so close this time that her chest brushed against his shoulder blades, and her breath tickled his ear as she whispered callously, "If I were you, I'd watch my back, Vega. Combat is dangerous, accidents can happen any time."

"I don't think it'd make _Lola_ too happy to know you're threatening her crew members," he took a step away, fighting the urge to whip around and knock her on her ass right then and there.

"Like she'd believe you over me. But tell her if you want, she already knows you're jealous of me. Go ahead, play right into my hand," she let out a malicious chuckle, "Speaking of hands, she was _putty_ in mine the _first_ night back. You should have heard the noises she was making. Like we were the only two people in the world."

She was pushing him to his wits end on purpose, and loving every minute of it. Something had to surface about this girl soon, or he was going to be forced to put a stop to her, whether it tore away the last shreds of his friendship with Zoe, or not.

"Melloria, if you don't _shut the hell up_ —"

"Hey, is there a problem over here you two?" Cortez approached, without warning, mercifully causing the volatile redhead to cease any further verbal assault.

"Nope, no problem. Just a friendly chat," Mel put on an air of camaraderie, and James couldn't help but wonder if the ruse was as obvious to Esteban as it was to him, "It was so nice to finally have a minute to get to know each other, Lieutenant. I look forward to working with you."

With that, the redhead sashayed back to the elevator, and Steve searched Vega's face with a look of utter bewilderment.

"Does she think I'm deaf?"

"So, you heard all that, huh?" the lieutenant rubbed at his temples, the first pangs of a headache stabbing their way into his brain.

"Yeah. What exactly is her problem with you?" when James didn't respond, the pilot eyed him with an insightful expression clearly reading the doubt that clouded the younger man's face, "Mister Vega, I am the eyes and ears of this shuttle bay. Nothing gets past me if it's spoken within these walls — and I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, our commander cares about you. When she looks at you, there's not an ounce of fear there. All I see between the two of you is mutual respect and admiration."

"Thanks, Esteban. I appreciate it, man… Just wish it made me feel better about everything, but I can't shake the bad vibes that bruja is giving off," he leaned an arm against the punching bag and rested his head against it, "And I know, even if I tried to tell her, Shepard wouldn't listen."

"You can't force a person to see something they're willfully blind to, my friend. She's just going to have to figure it out for herself. Give it time, she'll come around."

Time: it was something they didn't technically have. The Reapers were still out there, wreaking havoc on the galaxy, and if they lost Shepard — be it to an injury in the field, brought on by her persistent indifference about her health, or at the hands of her former lover because of her stubborn refusal to see reason — they'd all be doomed to a decidedly gruesome fate. His head was spinning again, searching desperately for a way to open her eyes without pushing her further away.

"Listen—" Steve started in once more, but James quickly cut him off.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore, Esteban," he let out a long, defeated sigh, "I gotta be alone."

"Whatever you need, man" the pilot gave him a brotherly pat on the back before turning to resume his work, "I mean that, Lieutenant. I'm here, if you ever do feel like talking."

Vega only nodded in response, his mind a turbulent cyclone of thoughts and emotions. He wouldn't have admitted it out loud, but Melloria's words had struck a nerve. 'Self-conscious' was never, in his entire life, a word he would have used to describe himself. But, to be confronted by a veritable stranger, with the very things he'd worried that Shepard would see in him when they first met, was unsettling, to say the least. He knew the things about the commander being afraid of him were a load of pure malarky, but what if she really did just think he was some kind of pathetic groupie?

_She just said all those things to throw you off your game, Vega. She's trying to give Shepard a reason to kick you to the curb._

He knew the inner voice was right, but it was no more comforting than Cortez's attempts to lighten his spirits. They had a mission to take care of though, and he'd be damned if he was going to let the two-face woman's accusations distract him from his duty. He'd get the job done, like he always had before, and if push came to shove, he'd break away — break his promise to Shepard and find a way back to Earth — somewhere far away from the place he would leave his heart.

* * *

The shuttle rocked unsteadily as it descended towards the landing zone, and Shepard felt her stomach churn, flipping nauseas cartwheels inside her abdomen. Mel hadn't spoken a word regarding what happened in the shuttle bay, and Zoe didn't have the nerve to ask James about the exchange. She was wondering if her face looked as green as she felt, when out of the corner of her eye she caught the lieutenant looking her over with a troubled gaze.

He knew she'd be pissed at him for bringing up her sickly state, but he was too worried about her to care, "Doin' okay over there, Commander?"

"Fine…" just that single word brought a bubble of acidic sludge cresting to the back of her throat.

Why the hell did I do that? I knew it was a bad idea, but I just kept going…

He edged towards her, coming in close enough so that only she could hear, "You don't look fine, Lola. Did you eat like I asked you to?"

"I don't need a babysitter, Lieutenant," she spat back, the unmistakable hint of a slur drawing out the ends of her words.

"Dios, Shepard, have you been _drinking_?" his brow furrowed in distress, as he gripped her bicep to steady her swaying, "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I was trying to do exactly… not that," she shut her eyes and fell back against the wall as the shuttle shifted abruptly around them, "Estoy tan cansado de pensar."

He knew she'd understood him before, but he'd never actually heard her speak Spanish and it caught him by surprise. Even in her drunken haze, he couldn't ignore how sultry his language sounded rolling off her soft, full lips in that low, raspy voice. James rubbed hard at his forehead, willing his brain to focus on the more disturbing issue at hand.

"Maybe you should sit this one out, Shepard," he suggested, bracing himself for the backlash of her temper.

"No," she stayed calm, evidently too wasted to fight about it, "I'll be fine, James, really. I've got you."

"Yeah… yeah, you do."

Zoe's eyes opened finally, glimmering with a dewy sheen as she peered up at him groggily. James still had ahold of her arm, and she made no move to pull away. She would have sank into his chest to find a bit of comfort in his arms, if it wouldn't have risen the eyebrows of their other two comrades. They stayed that way the remainder of the short trip, simply gazing at each other, knowing and feeling things that neither one had the courage to express.

From the opposite end of the shuttle, Garrus watched the whole affair discreetly with a heaviness weighing on his shoulders. Shepard was his dearest friend, and he took responsibility, at least in part, for her well being. He'd stayed away too long, it would seem, and she'd found herself a replacement shoulder in the form of the young lieutenant. But more than that, it was glaringly obvious — to her, the man was something far beyond a sounding board. And then there was the other new addition, the wily redhead that had told such thrilling tales, but was obviously entirely full of herself.

There'd been some kind of trepidation emanating from Shepard when he'd seen the other woman attempt to be affectionate towards her. The turian didn't know much about the history between the commander and Melloria, but he'd figured Zoe out well enough to know she blamed herself for her lover's tragic fate without her ever having to say so. She'd been through too much those past few years, and the culmination of recent events — seemingly one right after another, non-stop, and still pilling on — was going to drive her off the deep end once and for all, if someone didn't step up to the plate and shake some sense into her soon.

_Looks like it's Vakarian to the rescue, once again…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Estoy tan cansado de pensar. = I'm so tired of thinking.


	12. Too Close For Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to catch up from where I've posted so many chapters over on FF, so sorry about the deluge of chapters all at once. I plan on posting up to Chapter 17 today. Have fun reading and thank you for taking the time to do so! :) Please let me know what you think! I'd love to get some more opinions!

"Shit! Careful, Vega!" Shepard hissed, as he shoved her unceremoniously into the hovering shuttle.

"Sorry, Commander, you're heavier than you look," he ribbed, climbing in behind her and dragging her up the rest of the way.

She slugged him hard on the shoulder, leering at him with an impish twinkle in her silvery eyes, "It's the armor, doofus, but thanks for that."

"You know I'm messin' with you, Lola," the door mercifully shut out the last of the Cerberus troopers and he turned his attention fully on her, "How's the hip?"

"Hurts like a bitch," she set her jaw tightly as he urged her onto her side to get a better look, "But I'm pretty sure it's just a flesh wound."

Zoe had done better than he'd expected, clearing her head before the fight, but still, she had been sloppy and unfocused. The fire that had ignited her countenance the first few times they'd fought together had been reduced to nothing but ash and ember as she struggled to maintain momentum. On the last leg of the fight, when the heat had really come down on them, he'd had to spring to the rescue more than once. Needless to say, the commander hadn't liked it one bit. She was anything but a damsel in distress, and he didn't want to be her knight in shining armor, but necessity called for action, whether either of them liked it or not.

"The shrapnel caught you good, but I think you're right, it doesn't look deep," James retrieved a pack of medi-gel and carefully applied it to the mangled patch of skin, "Might leave a scar though."

"Good, I've been collecting them. It's been a while since I could afford a new one," she let out a strained laugh, as he finished the task and offered a hand to help her up, "Nah, I think I'm just gonna lay here for a while."

"On the floor?" he grinned amusedly as she rolled onto her back again, closing her eyes against the dim lights that beamed from the ceiling.

"It's nice… cold. It's so hot in here, are you hot?"

"That's what I've been told," his smile widened and he was on the verge of adding another smart-ass comment, when Garrus stepped up beside them.

"So much for a quick, no nonsense run, huh, Shepard?" the turian was staring down at her with a snarky smirk but when she opened her eyes, Zoe could clearly read the concerned shadow in his eyes, "You had me worried there for a minute. Maybe next time, leave the whiskey for the lonely nights when there's nothing better to do, instead of right before a mission."

"Not now, Garrus," the commander groaned, turning back onto her good side to press her face against the chilly metal beneath her, "My head is killing me. If you want to chew me out, can you at least wait until we're back on the Normandy and I've had a few hours rest?"

"Mhm, whatever you say. But don't think I'm going to forget. We're talking about this, Shepard. And soon," with that, he relented, retreating to the seats on the far side of the shuttle, discreetly keeping one ear open to the couple across the way.

"If you promise me you'll eat something when we get back on board, I'll tell him to go easy on you, Lola," James teased, giving her shoulder a light nudge.

Shepard stayed silent, curled up into herself with her back to him. For a moment, he thought she'd fallen asleep right there on the shuttle floor, until he heard her sniffle and noticed her shoulders convulsing slightly.

"Hey, Shepard," he placed a cautious hand on her forearm, urging her to turn over but she wouldn't budge, "What's wrong?"

She cleared her throat loudly, attempting to sound as normal as possible, but he could hear the quavering in her words, "Nothing. I'm fine. Just in a little pain. But I'm fine."

He knew that pressing the matter further would only serve to irritate her, so he let it go at that. The rest of the trip was spent in pensive silence — the two men comparably concerned about the deteriorating mental state of the woman they all relied upon, and Shepard being torn limb from limb by her own internal turmoil. By the time they finally docked in the Normandy's hangar, Zoe had drifted off, slumbering peacefully, even through the noise of the landing. Garrus approached the commander, making a move to rouse her, but James stopped him.

"Don't worry, man, I got her."

He gave the turian a reassuring nod, as he slid his arm gently underneath her torso, being cautious not to aggravate the fresh wound on her side. As he positioned his other arm under her knees and hefted her up slowly and easily, he held his breath, expecting her to wake up any second, but she stayed limp as he carried her out into the shuttle bay. Garrus approached the lift first, pressing the button for the lieutenant, and followed in behind him.

"Hackett will want a report, but I'll take care of it. You just get her to her room."

James only nodded in reply, and a minute later, the turian disappeared onto the crew deck, leaving the lieutenant alone to deal with the incapacitated commander. When the door of the lift slid open to the top floor, Zoe roused a bit, sliding her arm up his chest plate and encircling his neck. He crossed to the entrance, jabbing the lock with his elbow, and carrying her quickly down to the bed.

"Hey, Lola," he whispered, as he placed her gently down on the bed, "We gotta get this armor off you. You want me to call Liara or somebody to help you?"

Shepard let out a soft breath, squinting her eyes open, finally coming back to herself, "No, I've got you…"

She'd said that same thing more than once now, and every time it sent a pang of grief stabbing through his chest. It was absolute torture seeing her like this — a fading, distorted shadow of the woman he'd known back on Earth. As he contemplated his next course of action, Shepard shifted uncomfortably, twisting her arms around to press the releases on her armor. James sat next to her, carefully aiding her in the removal of her bracers and chest plate, all the while wincing each time she groaned from the pain.

"God, I'm so sore…" she squeezed her eyes shut, locking her jaw tightly, "I can hardly even move my legs."

"I got it, just stay still," the lieutenant smoothed her hair back out of her dirt-smudged face before shifting down the bed to deal with her grieves, "You're kind of a mess, Lola."

"Kind of?" she let out a sarcastic burst of laughter, that quickly dissolved into a weighty exhale, "I fucked up, James… I fucked up, bad."

"You made a mistake, is all," he pulled off the last few pieces of her suit, and returned to his position at the head of the mattress, "We all mess up sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it."

Shepard shook her head, her eyes rolling up towards the head board, and he could see the glimmer of moisture welling at the edges of her eyelids. She pulled at the zipper to her jumpsuit, and his first instinct was to head out the door to allow her some privacy, but she caught his arm with her opposite hand.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I, uh… just figured you'd wanna be alone," he stammered, plopping back down at her behest.

"I'm still gonna need your help for this," she wriggled her top half out of the tight fabric, edging it down her waist, but her legs were so stiff they wouldn't freely budge.

James scooted down again, kneeling on the foot of the bed, and hooked his fingers under the stretchy material. His knuckles grazed the soft flesh of her outer thighs as he slid the jumpsuit down her legs. Laying there, sprawled along the blanket in nothing but her tank top and underwear, she appeared so much more fragile and tempting than he'd ever seen her look. His gaze jumped up the her face, just in time to see her eyes flutter closed at the touch. They both felt the electricity simultaneously — the sensation was too intense, too intimate to handle. He all but yanked the suit the rest of the way off, just to get it over with.

Shepard kept her eyes shut tightly, her face twisted up in a deep grimace, and he could tell she was struggling inwardly, just as much as he was. The lieutenant refused himself a glance at her bare legs, even knowing he'd never get another opportunity like this one — he respected her too much, regardless of the fact that she'd asked him to assist her to this point. She obviously wasn't embarrassed by the situation, but he knew deep down he needed to escape it, and fast, lest his baser urges get the better of him.

"Do you want me to bring you something to eat?" he offered, pushing himself off the bed and returning to her side, leaning down over her to brush her hair back again.

"No… but I promise I'll eat something tomorrow," Zoe finally forced her eyes open, raising her head slightly, "Thanks for the help, James."

"Any time, Lola," he gave her a half-smile, but she didn't return the expression, as her head fell heavily back on the pillow.

He knew his next move was risky, but he wanted so desperately to do it, that nothing his subconscious said to him could talk him out of it. James inched lower, bringing his lips softly to her forehead, placing a sweet, hasty kiss there. He thought she might lash out, or smile, or something, but she only laid there silently, her face contorting back into a troubled frown.

"If you need anything, you know where to find me."

With that, he edged his way towards the stairs, secretly hoping she'd call him back to her side, or at least perk up a bit. But as he took one last look at her over his shoulder, he saw her hand reach up to caress the spot on her brow that his lips had touched, as glistening tears pushed their way through her eyelids and tumbled down her cheeks. He turned away quickly, to avoid the scene, and picked up his pace, ready to be anywhere but there.

"Lieutenant, can you do me a favor? Make sure no one comes in here tonight…"

"Yeah, of course."

"Thanks. Goodnight, James."

"Goodnight, Lola…"

* * *

The Normandy had been steadily traveling in the direction of Sur'Kesh when Traynor uncovered a distress signal that had caused them to reroute their course. Two uneventful days had come and gone since the mission to the Cerberus lab, and Shepard had been consistently shirking Mel's advances, including refusing to allow her to stay the night in her cabin again. The woman had been even more agitated and volatile than she'd been at the start of it all. She consistently refused to see reason and accept the fact that the commander needed time to think over her scattered emotions. But when Melloria had come to her, begging and pleading for Zoe to keep her promise and allow her to join the next fight, the commander couldn't bring herself to refuse.

Why she'd thought it was a good idea to bring both Mel and James along with her to rescue the the students from Grissom Academy, she couldn't say. It had proved to be an even more stress laden mission than she'd ever have anticipated. Zoe remembered thinking, when she'd first met Vega, that if he and Melloria had had the chance to meet, they would no doubt have butted heads, but at the same time, she'd been hoping they'd have a chance to bond over their similarities — that she could show James the parts of Melloria that had brought back memories of the other woman at the beginning.

Instead, they bickered and sneered at each other the whole shuttle ride down, and the two of them couldn't seem to put their differences aside long enough to properly get their heads into the fight. Mel was as impressive as she'd always been, combat wise, but she constantly became distracted every time James and Zoe would joke amongst themselves. The lieutenant was trying his best to forget his distrust for the sake of the mission, but Shepard couldn't deny that Melloria wasn't making it easy on him.

"Is that all you got, Muscles? I've been laying on my ass for ten years, and I can still aim better than you!" the redhead shouted over the roaring noise of the battle they'd stepped into moments before.

It wasn't just playful ribbing, Mel was genuinely trying to antagonize the man, and it was getting on Shepard's last nerve. Her former lover had always been confrontational and competitive, but she'd forgotten how brash the woman really could be.

"Knock it off, Mel," Zoe warned, "Get your head in the game or this is the last time I'm bringing you along."

" _Excuse_ me? You wouldn't make it halfway through this without me, babe," Mel shot up from behind cover and blasted the group of Cerberus troops with a powerful biotic wave, lifting them into the air before picking them off one by one with expert shots to the skulls, "You couldn't afford to leave me behind."

_I made it this far without you…_

When Melloria had first made her appearance, Zoe had felt overwhelming relief; a happiness she hadn't known since all those years ago. However, as the days dragged on, there were little hints of things that brought certain memories back to the surface that the commander had pushed so far down inside of her that she'd all but repressed them entirely until now. Recollections of fights and fears, anger and bitter resentment, that had been overshadowed by the blinding pain of Mel's tragic, violent accident.

James knew Shepard well enough by now to read the doubts that were clearly starting to crack through the adamantine walls of her resolve to trust her former lover. The woman was powerful and skilled as hell, he would give her that much, but she had a ruthlessness about her that stood out plain as day every time she questioned the commander's methods. With the Cerberus unit finally obliterated, they continued on. Shepard scanned the hallway that led towards Orion Hall, and when she noticed a one a young female cowering at the opposite end of the corridor, she jogged towards her without a moment's hesitation.

"Shepard, leave her! We don't have time to babysit these kids!" Mel shouted after her.

"Let her do her thing," James ordered forcefully.

"Kiss my ass, Muscles. We've got shit to do, this is just a waste of time," the redhead pointed her rifle towards the young girl, and fired him an angry glare.

"What the hell is your problem?" he shot back.

"You're my problem, you jarhead!" she stalked towards him, her eyes burning with rage, "You seem to have forgotten our little chat in the shuttle bay. I spent a year trying to find her, and now that I've finally got her back, I'll be damned if some steroid pumped lump of testosterone is going to take her from away. Shepard's got _me_ now. She doesn't need you anymore, Vega, so give it up already."

"Hey! Knock it the _fuck_ off, you two!" Zoe edged her way between them, staring Mel down, her expression fierce and dogged, "Leave him _alone_ , Melloria. You've done nothing but give him hell since we stepped on the shuttle. _Lay **off**_!"

"Must be nice to have her fight your battles for you, huh, Lieutenant?" Mel growled, backing up and walking off toward the doors in the distance, "Too bad she couldn't have been with you on Fehl Prime, maybe she could have saved all those thousands of people you got killed."

_How did she know about that?_

It took everything in James' power not to lunge at her then and there, but Zoe was on her before he could even react.

"Too far, Mel!" Shepard warned, darting after the taller woman and grabbing her by the arm, "You're testing my patience. I want to be happy you're back, but you're making this more difficult than it has to be."

"You've changed, Zoe… I'm not sure we're the same people any more," Melloria's eyes searched the commanders face with a look of melancholy, but Shepard was at her wits end.

"No, I'm exactly the same person I was. You're just upset that all your efforts to change me into the kind of person _you_ are failed," the words flew out involuntarily, ripe with brutal honesty, but Mel simply narrowed her eyes in doubt.

The redhead yanked her arm out of Zoe's grasp, storming off without another word. James approached the commander, and laid a hand on her armored shoulder in an attempt to calm her.

"It's all good, Commander. Don't let her get to you," he said, but was having a hard time following his own advice.

"It's a little too late for that," Shepard pulled away without even looking at him, following the other woman down the corridor and into Orion Hall.

When they stepped into the scene, the sight before them all but dissolved the stress that had been building inside of the commander. A familiar form dashed across the expanse, shooting wave after wave of intense blue energy at the Cerberus troops that were scurrying for cover.

"Jack!?" came Zoe's excited cry, as she bounded into the room past Mel, picking off last of the enemies as she made her way over to the heavily tattooed woman.

"Shepard?" the brunette biotic sauntered towards them with a wicked smile painted on her crimson lips, "What the hell are you doing here, you sexy bitch?"

The commander's shoulders stiffened visibly at the way Jack had worded the greeting. It was nothing unusual for them to interact like that, but Zoe knew that behind her, Mel would already be teeming with grudging viciousness. It was another thing Shepard had forgotten about the woman — how deathly possessive she was. If Melloria had caught it, she didn't have a chance to react. As soon as the words left Jack's mouth, a set of doors on the far side of the room wrenched open and one of Cerberus' gargantuan Atlas Mechs came stomping into the chamber.

Without missing a beat, Jack shot across the room, sliding like a rockstar into position between the the machine and the students, quickly throwing up a barrier to shield them from the rocket that was soaring their way. Her tightly clenched fists glowed with blinding orbs of electricity as she collected her power, readying herself for another deluge of attacks. Shepard motioned for the squad to advance and they assailed the Mech with everything they had, in an attempt to draw its attention away from the vulnerable teenagers.

Jack ordered the kids to retreat, leading them up the stairs, where they set up a collective barrier as Zoe and her crew made short work of the Cerberus swarm on the lower level. Between the three of them, they were a force to be reckoned with — the troopers, and even the Atlas, hadn't stood a chance. As the last enemy fell, Jack leaned over the railing with a deep, throaty chuckle.

"Kahlee said she was putting out an SOS. I had no idea the Queen of the Girl Scouts would show up," she called down at Shepard, then turned to bark some commands at her students, before vaulting over the rail to join the squad downstairs.

Her biotics flared in time to carry her swiftly to the ground, and a second later, she was in front of Zoe, knocking her back with a hard right hook to the jaw. To her companions' surprise, Shepard let out a genuine laugh, shrugging the punch off as if she'd totally expected it.

"Dammit, how many times did I tell you not to trust Cerberus?" Jack sneered, shaking the sting from her knuckles, "Hard headed idiot."

"Hey!" Mel dashed forward, shoving her palms into the brunette's shoulders violently.

"Mel, stop!" Zoe grabbed at the taller woman's bicep, yanking her backwards forcefully, "She's a friend, goddammit."

"You better get this ginger bitch out of my face, Shep, or I'm gonna rearrange her features 'til she looks like a fucking Picasso," Jack snarled through clenched teeth.

"Go fuck yourself, freak," Mel shot back, struggling to break free from Shepard's firm grip.

"Shut it, Melloria!" Zoe yelled, finally managing to force some distance between the two.

"Wait, _Melloria_? This is the bitch that's supposed to be dead?" Jack's eyes flew wide at the realization, "You know what, forget it, I don't have time for this soap opera bullshit. All I care about is getting my guys out of here before more of those bastards show up."

"Your guys?" Shepard smirked, warmed a bit by the thought of her rebellious friend being so chummy with academy kids, of all people.

"Yeah," the biotic brunette gave a light chuckle, throwing a reverent gaze over her shoulder to the students perched above, "I guess so…"

Zoe and Jack took a moment to catch up while the group waited for word from Kahlee Sanders. Across the way, Mel paced back and forth, waves of azure cresting across her body as her agitation rose to boiling. James kept his eyes pinned onto her, watching for any sign that she might advance again. The seething redhead kept shooting him intimidating glares, but he wasn't easily so shaken by the hollow threats she was mentally projecting at him. A few minutes later, Kahlee radioed in with plans on how they would advance, and they were off again, thrown directly into one of the biggest fights they'd seen so far.

* * *

James would never forget the ecstatic look on Shepard's face when she'd climbed up into that abandoned Atlas and began blasting Cerberus troopers, whooping and cackling the whole time. He'd never forget the relief that flooded over her when she saw that David Archer was there, safe and sound, amongst the other academy kids. Those had been the only two times the entire mission that he'd seen her genuinely smile. A nauseating wave of regret washed through his stomach, knowing he was half the reason she hadn't been able to enjoy the battle as much as she usually did, but he knew he wasn't the only cause of her dismay.

Melloria, with her testy jibs at him, and her off-putting overprotectiveness that seemed more to him like a dangerous level of envy. He recalled the talk he'd had with the commander on the day her former lover had returned, how she had called _him_ the jealous one. She wasn't wrong, exactly. Seeing the way Mel hung all over Zoe while she made her rounds abroad the Normandy, the way she so obviously clung to her just to get under his skin — it made him sick, in the worst way possible. Vega was trying so hard not to let his feelings for Shepard get the better of him, but it was one struggle he was seriously afraid he might not overcome.

At any rate, they were finally approaching Sur'Kesh, to retrieve the female krogan that were immune to the genophage. It had been close to two weeks since Melloria had shown back up, and with each mission that the commander included her in, the volatile redhead had become increasingly unrestrained and confrontational. She'd almost cost Shepard the lives of several colonists when they'd traveled to Benning earlier in the week — refusing the commander's order to get the survivors safety back to the shuttle. Mel had wanted to stay and fight, to leave the grunt work to James, and Zoe would have relented, if it weren't for the way her temper had flared at the last second.

On top of everything else, Melloria insisted on joining the commander every time she had a meeting with the turian primarch, or the krogan called Wrex, to update them on progress. The two aliens had begun to grow cranky, agitated by the perpetual waiting game and Mel's relentless need to interject her rash comments only served to fan the flames. It was clear from the way she tried to pry the responsibility of decision making right out of Shepard's grasp, that she was a renegade of the truest form. She loved to be in control, and any time that Zoe tried to take that from her, to stand up and confront her, she'd show her true colors for a moment, only to dissolve into an apologetic mess at the commander's feet

Another mission was on the horizon, now, though, and Shepard had already sent word to him that he'd be joining her on the ground team, so he shook the thoughts from his head and made his way over to the armor lockers to suit up for the coming battle. As he was pulling on the last pieces of his armor, the elevator doors slid open and the sound of yelling voices echoed through the shuttle bay.

"You caused entirely too much trouble on that last mission, Melloria," Zoe stomped angrily in his direction, ignoring his presence as if he weren't even there, "I can't have someone constantly questioning me and starting fights with my squad while I'm trying to get shit done."

"You're being stupid, Z! You know you need me out there! I'm the strongest soldier you've got. Hell, I'm better than you, and you know it," Mel grabbed at the other woman's arm, trying to pull her attention back to the fight.

James turned away from the squabbling women, clenching his jaw tightly in an attempt to hold his tongue. If this twisted girl thought the commander was just going to lay down and give her what she wanted because she was a big talker, Mel had another thing coming, he was sure. She was already starting to show hints of her old resilience, so it was only a matter of time before she gave O'Brien a taste of her own medicine.

Just as he suspected, Shepard was having none of it, "No, you're not! And stop fucking calling me stupid! You're hotheaded and arrogant, and honestly, Mel, you're a little bit heartless. I don't know why I forgot the kind of person you really are, but it hasn't taken you long to remind me."

"Z… I—" Melloria looked genuinely hurt by Zoe's words, but as the lieutenant turned to escape the volatile situation, he caught something in the taller woman's eyes that told him what he already knew — it was all just an act.

"Don't even try it, Mel…" Shepard sighed, yanking her locker open as a shadow of remorse passed across her features, "I know you. I might have forgotten because I was so torn up over your… death, but you couldn't have expected me not to remember eventually."

"I'm not the same person I was back then, Z, I promise," the redhead's jewel toned eyes glimmered with moisture as she stepped slowly towards the commander, "I'm trying to change, I really am — for you. I love you, Zoe. _Please_ don't leave me behind."

At those words, Shepard visibly stiffened, her resolve wilting at her former lover's heartbroken tone, "Mel…"

"Please, Z… _please_. You know my favorite thing in the universe is fighting by your side. I know I can be a pill sometimes, but I'm just trying to prove to myself that I'm good enough for you."

The sob that escaped from the glossy peach lips was so obviously forced that James wanted to wretch, to shout at Shepard that this girl was playing her like a fiddle. He watched discreetly from the weapons bench as Zoe's willpower quickly drained from her body like air from a punctured tire.

The commander released a heavy sigh, "Fine… if you want to prove to yourself — and to me — that you're good enough, stay back here for this one without arguing with me. I may love you, Melloria, but I'm still the commander of this ship; which means you answer to me, whether you like it or not. Understood?"

A sly smirk pulled at Mel's lips, and she sauntered forward, sliding her hands onto Shepard's shapely hips, "Yeah, okay, _Commander_. You know, it's so _sexy_ when you give orders like that. _Forceful. Ruthless._ "

James turned away from the scene, bile rising to the back of his throat. He forced himself to walk, as causally as possible, back to his alcove. He'd had enough of the drama, and of watching Shepard so plainly being used like this. Whoever she had been before, she was an entirely different person now that Mel was back in her life. She was slower to act, distracted in combat. Her smiles and laughs that he'd become so found of over the past months, had been all but decimated by the other woman's vexing presence.

"Stop," Zoe's voice came low and flat as she stepped out of the embrace, pulling her armor pieces from the cubby, dropping them haphazardly to the ground, and slamming the locker door, "I'm still not ready for that, Melloria. We've talked about this."

Mel growled low, clenching her fists, "Little tease… That's fine, you'll come around. If I know you, you won't be able to keep your hands off me for long."

With that, the redhead threw her a wink before spinning on her toes and making her way back to the lift. When she'd finally disappeared behind the doors, Vega couldn't force himself to stay quiet any longer.

"Hey, Commander, no offense, but your girlfriend is nuts," he forced a laugh, as if he were just trying to start a friendly conversation.

"Can it, Lieutenant. I don't need your shit on top of hers," she stormed over to the weapons bench and forcefully jabbed at the buttons, without so much as glancing in his direction.

"I was just jokin' with you, Lola," he approached her cautiously, his tone easy and coaxing, hoping she'd open up to him the way she used to back on Earth, "But, I'm gonna be honest with you… she treats you like shit. Was she always like this?"

"Not exactly… I — Okay, yeah. Yes, she was," Shepard exhaled heavily, "I may have… repressed some things. Losing her the way I did… I guess I just felt so guilty that I didn't want to think about anything but the good times."

"I think that's probably normal," he shrugged, leaning a hip against the bench, and searching her face with his chocolatey eyes, "Don't beat yourself up over it. Hear me out okay? And I don't mean any disrespect by this but… If she changes, she changes, if she doesn't, well… there's a whole galaxy of options out there. I know it has to hurt to think that it may not work out for you and her, but you can't let life pass you by because you're hung up on some chick from your past."

_Why is he being so nice about this? I've done nothing but string him along this whole time, and yet here he is, right by my side like he's been since the beginning._

He could have jumped ship weeks ago, when she'd spat venom at him for questioning Mel's intentions. But, he'd stayed, because he cared. He truly, deeply sympathized with her — even listening to her spew out her issues with the other woman when she knew the slightest mention of Melloria made his skin crawl. Shepard had a realization in that moment, that sent her head reeling, and she pitched forward, catching herself on the weapons bench as it knocked the breath right out of her.

There had been so many similarities: their self-assured attitudes, their lust for combat, their aggressively competitive natures, and their undeniable need to be protective of her. She'd been projecting, and it was so glaringly evident now that if she could, she would have gone back and punched her former self for not seeing it sooner. Everything she'd thought she'd remembered about Melloria — the caring, selfless, martyr she'd created in her head — it wasn't the woman she remembered. It was the projection of what Mel could have been if she'd been more like the lieutenant.

Suddenly, Shepard felt very dizzy and disoriented. James must have noticed, because he reached out a hand to stay her unsteady swaying. She spun around to face him, her eyes wide with some kind of emotion that the lieutenant couldn't quite place. It looked as if she was about speak, but before she had a chance, the voice of their pilot cut through from the intercom, effectively stifling the confession she'd been so close to spilling on him; a confession that might have turned the tides of the internal war raging inside her; a confession that she decided was best to bury until she had some time to sort out her convoluted emotions once and for all.

"Approaching Sur'Kesh, Commander. ETA ten minutes."


	13. Simple Lessons

"Commander, I have the salarian base on sensors."

"Set us down, Cortez," Shepard ordered, turning her attention back to her krogan friend, "I know it's a lot to ask, but please, play nice, Wrex."

"Not making any promises, Shepard, but for you, I'll try," the brute threw her a toothy grin that drew a chuckle from the woman.

Garrus crossed to her and leaned in close so that only she could hear, "Shepard, you've been avoiding me lately. Hopefully, you haven't forgotten that I wanted to have a talk with you."

"No, I haven't, but can it at least wait until we get these females safe?" she pulled her assault rifle from its holster, checking it over absentmindedly with feigned indifference to the conversation, "If it will make you feel any better, I took your advice. I only drink myself into a stupor on my off days now."

"But, you're still drinking, I take it?" he narrowed his beady eyes at her, causing her lock her jaw in frustration.

"So do you," she shot back defensively.

"Socially, yes, but not to drown out my problems," the turian crossed his arms, looking as if he was about to give her a good talking to, but he was interrupted by their pilot before he could continue.

"Approaching the LZ, Shepard."

"Thank god…" Zoe puffed out a breath, "Garrus, I appreciate your concern, but I've got everything under control."

"Of course you do," he drawled, shaking his head and walking away, disappointment darkening his face.

"Commander, we've got a problem," Steve interjected again, "Salarian ground control says we don't have clearance to land."

"Well, tell them the dalatrass authorized the order herself," Zoe sneered, fed up with the constant delays in progress.

"I knew they'd never keep their word," Wrex growled, tromping towards the shuttle door, "Let's see them try to stop a krogan airdrop."

"Dammit, Wrex!" Shepard towards him, but he sprung out of the opening before she could interfere, "Hardheaded bastard."

"I think he might actually be more stubborn than you, Lola," James ribbed, coming up beside her and nudging his shoulder into hers, "Didn't think I'd ever meet someone that could beat you in that department."

"You're not exactly the easiest person to get along with either, Vega," she threw him a sarcastic smirk and jumped down after the krogan.

They were instantly assailed by numerous salarian soldiers, but before the quartette had a chance to pull their weapons in defense, a voice called out to halt the attack.

"Commander Shepard, restrain your colleague! We only found out about this transfer a few moments ago!"

Zoe gritted her teeth, stomping towards the slender alien, "Would have been nice if you had a little bit better communication on your end. I'd like to avoid a diplomatic incident, if possible."

"As would we," the salarian assured her, much more composed about the situation than he had any right to be.

"You have something valuable to us. We were promised an easy transaction," Shepard narrowed her eyes, beginning to get the feeling Wrex was onto something — she had a sneaking suspicion this wouldn't be as simple as they'd first anticipated.

_But, when is it ever that simple?_

"Something worth dying for," Wrex added, bringing his rifle to his shoulder defiantly.

"Down, boy," Zoe shot the krogan a snarky grin, drawing a sneer from the brute, but he relented to her request.

"This matter can be resolved, but we must insist the krogan remain under guard," the salarian continued with a stern tone, but looking a tad bit rattled by Wrex's aggression.

"Screw that!" he bellowed, but Shepard crossed to him and placed a placating hand on his shoulder.

"Stay, boy. If you're good, I'll even give you a treat when we get back to the ship," her eyes danced with mischief, and James watched in disbelief as the massive alien seemed to wither under her touch.

"You're lucky I like you, Shepard," his words came out in a nasty snarl, but he looked considerably more placid than he had a moment before, "But if anything goes wrong, all bets are off."

She leaned in close, lowering her voice so the salarians couldn't hear, "If anything goes wrong, I'll turn my head and let you pick off as many of these pompous assholes as you want. Sound good?"

"Hell yeah. Now you're speaking my language," a nasty grin spread across his scarred lips, and Zoe let out a deep chuckle before turning her attention back to the group before them.

The black-clad salarian motioned for the squad to follow him down the stairs and into the facility, "I'm Padok Wiks, and I appreciate your understanding, Commander. With war on everyone's minds, our people are on edge."

Zoe stayed silent, her eyes scanning across the scene, casing the room on the off chance that things didn't go as smoothly as planned. She watched with great interest as a containment cell shifted across the ceiling and dropped into an alcove nearby.

"Is that a yahg?" her upper lip pulled up in disgust, as she wondered what other kinds of creatures might be trapped here being experimented on, "I came across one of those not long ago. They're violent sons of bitches. Put up one hell of a fight."

"You _fought_ one of those things?" James asked in surprise.

"It's a long story…" Shepard turned her attention back to the salarian, "What the hell are you doing with a yahg in captivity?"

"Research, of course," he replied with an air of detachment, "As you can see, this base contains sensitive information."

"And the nature of this sensitive information is…?" Zoe crossed her arms and cocked her head to the side, impatiently.

He began to rattle off scientific terms as easily as if he were naming his children, "Evolutionary trials. Morphological simulations. Exogenetic assessments."

"Good thing I don't need laymen's terms, or that would have all been gibberish. Nothing is ever simple with you salarians is it?"

"Science has always been our best defense. The research we do here has kept Sur'Kesh safe for millennia."

Shepard raised an eyebrow high, not bothering to mask her skepticism, "So, that research includes studying lost krogan?"

"The females were in poor health when we found them on Tuchanka," the salarian replied defensively, "They were brought here to stabilize their condition."

"This whole planet smells wrong!" Wrex grumbled, as the guards led him to a holding area nearby.

Zoe smirked, tempted to throw the krogan another teasing remark, but instead brought her attention back to the matter at hand, "We're going to need to see them, as soon as possible."

"Of course," Padok nodded, "I'll just need to clear you for the lower levels. Give me a few moments and meet me by the elevator."

_Great, more waiting…_

As antsy as she was to proceed, Shepard couldn't deny that she was a little intrigued by the place, and excited to get a chance to look around. Science had always been something that peeked her interests, yet she'd never had many opportunities to study it, with so much else going on in her life. She led the squad over to Wrex first, taking a moment to check up on him before moving on to investigate the rest of the facility. James couldn't help but snicker when the commander's curiosity got the better of her and she began poking at one of the consoles, drawing a dirty glare and a few angry words from a nearby scientist.

"Sorry, geez, I was just curious…" she cast the lieutenant an impish gaze and jabbed at the device again.

"Ehem! Perhaps 'don't touch that' means something different in your language," the salarian glared at her, "I would rather not refer this matter to the human embassy."

Zoe snorted a laugh, but stifled it when she caught Garrus eyeing her, unamused with her antics, "Okay, okay. Sorry. Let's move on."

They continued on, silently, exploring the large chamber and James watched Shepard with curious eyes as she made no effort to hide her occasional eavesdropping. It was almost as if she was back to herself completely, now that they'd distanced themselves from the drama that had taken place abroad the Normandy lately. She was chipper, carefree, and spritely as she had been on their first few missions. A weight was missing from her shoulders, and as she and Garrus bantered back and forth with a salarian Major that they were obviously familiar with, the lieutenant felt that unmistakable tug in his chest.

He'd thought he was squashing his feelings, squeezing them out of his soul like a damp rag. But that sincere, genuine smile of hers — he'd seen it so infrequently lately that the sight of it brought everything he'd tried to bury clambering back to the surface. He wished she hadn't brought him along, that she'd chosen Liara to accompany her instead, so that he'd never have had to see how different and like herself she was when she was far away from Melloria's troublesome presence. Before he had time to think on it any further, Padok waved them over to grant them access to the labs.

"Take this elevator down. Someone will—"

Whatever the salarian had been about to say was cut off by the abrasive blaring of an alarm overhead.

"What the hell is that?" Shepard whipped around and scanned the perimeter of the facility, "What's going on?"

"Alert!" the intercom sounded a warning, "Threat condition two has been declared. Scramble readiness teams."

"Sensors are picking up activity around the perimeter," Wiks anxiously began punching in commands on his omni-tool before corralling them into the lift, "Hurry, Commander. Someone will meet you below.

As the doors slid closed, James approached the commander, "What do you think it is?"

Shepard gave an exasperated huff, "If my instincts are correct… Cerberus scum are trying to reach the females before we can."

"What makes you think that?" the lieutenant was pretty sure she was right, but how the rebel organization could have caught on so quickly was beyond his comprehension.

"Call it women's intuition," she smirked, traipsing away as the elevator opened into the lower level.

The scientists were scurrying about in alarm, the hectic sight bringing on an eerie memory of the day that Earth had been attacked by the Reapers. Trepidation filled the air like a thick fog, the anxiety in the room almost palpable in its intensity. Shepard could feel her blood begin to run hot, and her heartbeat hasten, but across the chamber, a figure emerged that instantly caused a brilliant smile to spread across her face.

"Shepard! Excellent timing. Good to have you here."

"Well, if it isn't the very model of a scientist salarian," the commander jogged towards the gangly alien and swept him up in a hug.

"Ah, eyesight still sharp. Not much of a hugger. But for you, will make an exception," he returned the embrace stiffly before backing up to offer her a professional handshake, "Surprise understandable. Hadn't expected to return to work."

"You're back with STG?" Garrus inquired.

"Special consultant. Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

* * *

Once Cerberus touched down, the facility was thrown into absolute chaos. Each floor they progressed to was flooded with more and more troopers, along with the added headache of engineers placing turrets around every corner. Even with the help of her two most trusted allies, Shepard was having a difficult time pressing onward through the throng. Concern for Mordin and the female krogan, among other things, were messing with her focus. More than once, James or Garrus had to knock her out of the way of a revving turret just in time for it to fire off.

"What's the problem, Shepard? You're making rookie mistakes," the turian berated her as they crossed to the final panel that would move the containment cell up towards the landing area.

"I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this," Zoe shook her head rapidly, attempting to clear her jumbled brain.

"I think we all have a bad feeling at this point," he scoffed, adjusting the scope of his rifle and moving away to keep an eye on their surroundings while she worked.

"It's more than that. How did they know we were here, and to come in such large numbers? It's too convenient. The Illusive Man knows a lot, but it's not like he's the Shadow Broker or anything," she tapped hurriedly at the buttons on the console, turning her attention to the cell's occupants, "How're you doing in there?"

"Containment shield strong, but not designed for direct fire," Mordin informed, his voice fraught with anxiety.

"This isn't your problem, Commander," the female krogan interrupted, "You don't know me."

"No, but I'd like to," Zoe finished her task and smiled up at the shrouded alien, "You seem like my kind of woman. Strong, resilient. Just, hang in there. It won't be long, we'll get you safe."

"Just one more level. Hope Urdnot Wrex still waiting."

"Wrex can't keep his hands off a fertile female. He'll be there," the female drawled, unamused, but the comment pulled a grin from the commander.

"Oh yeah, I like you," Zoe chuckled, "See you up top."

The container began to ascend as, across the corridor, more Cerberus troops came barreling through the archway. They fought their way through the mob, the close quarters and numerous points of cover making the task more difficult than usual. Shepard ducked behind a desk where James was taking a second catching his breath, and lobbed a biotic Pull at a group of rebel soldiers nearby.

"So, how do you think they knew?" the lieutenant questioned, darting up to take out the gravitating enemies.

"I don't know, but I'm sure as hell going to find out," she growled, rolling out of cover and deploying her omni-blade to spear the last trooper that was trying to get in a sneak attack.

"Nice one, Lola!" James commended, stepping up behind her and giving her a congratulatory clap to the back, "Looks like the last of them."

"For now… come on, let's get up top," she emptied her spent thermal clip and replaced it swiftly, darting off without another word.

They arrived on the top floor only to find the place flooded with even more opponents. Shepard swore loudly, cocking her gun and gathering her powers, ready to send heads rolling. It took considerably less time to obliterate the troopers this time, the open floor plan of the room blessing them with unrestricted visibility and range of motion. However, when they'd finally cleared the area and were able to get the female krogan prepped for pickup, a bigger threat came plummeting into the arena, falling out of the sky like a meteor.

"Not another fucking Atlas," Zoe groaned, "I _hate_ those damn things."

"Unless you're riding in 'em, right?" James nudged her with his elbow and flashed her a cheeky grin.

"Something tells me I'm not going to get that opportunity this time around," she sucked in a deep breath and readied her Mattock as more Cerberus goons came crawling out of the woodwork along with the behemoth machine.

"I'll pick off the troopers, you two take out that Mech!" Garrus called from his perch on the upper level.

"Got it," Shepard gave a firm nod of compliance and shot off like a rocket with the target in her sights.

There were dozens of them, the agents pouring in from every conceivable direction, and the turian sniper was quickly overwhelmed by their growing numbers. The commander and lieutenant were forced to turn their attention away from the Mech long enough to take out enough of the foes to clear a path and get the upper hand in the pandemonium. They were seconds away from finishing off the Atlas when the last of the Cerberus troopers let loose a grenade that bounced it's way towards the pair, rolling to a stop right at Shepard's feet. They were so distracted by their task, that they didn't notice its sudden appearance until it let off a final warning beep.

James was surprisingly quick to respond, ramming into Zoe's side, forcing her to roll away and shielding her body from the fragmented blast. From the other side of the facility a loud explosion pounded through the atmosphere, that could only have come from the massive machine.

"Got it!"

Garrus' victorious cry resounded through the chamber, but the sound was muddled and unclear to Shepard, as if she were hearing it from underwater. The lieutenant stared down at her, his eyes clouded with a mix of concern and relief — intense and rich as thick mocha syrup. Their ragged breaths came almost in sync, and Zoe could feel her heart thudding vigorously underneath her chest plate.

"You okay, Commander?" the question passed through his thin, scarred lips as nothing more than a whisper, drawing Shepard's eyes to mouth, her words catching in her throat so that all she could do was nod in reply.

As if drawn by some magnetic force, their faces began to inch closer, little by little, as the commander reached up a single gloved hand to brush the lieutenant's cheek. Their lips were mere centimeters apart when their comrade's voice broke through the haze of adrenaline pumped fervor.

"You two alright over there?" Garrus trotted over, just in time to see Shepard shoving Vega to the side with wide eyes and a blush staining her entire visage.

"We're fine. Just a close call," Zoe cleared her throat, brushing herself off absentmindedly, and radioing into to the shuttle to clear them for landing, "Wrex, we're done out here. You can set her down now."

"Got it, Shepard," the krogan responded, sounding considerably relieved, "On my way."

Shepard led the way towards the landing zone, and as they prepared to board the shuttle, she skillfully avoided the gaze of the befuddled lieutenant. That had been close, too close, and she wasn't even thinking about the grenade that had nearly torn them both to shreds. If Garrus hadn't had such expert timing, it would have happened, and things would have been even more confounding than they already were.

"Commander, we've got a live one over here," her turian cohort pointed out a lone Cerberus trooper a few yards away, struggling to crawl to his firearm.

Zoe pulled her pistol, stomping towards the bloodied adversary, as he lifted his head, gurgling and sputtering in an attempt to form coherent words. She knelt down beside him, studying his busted helmet, prodding at a gash in his side with the nose of her gun until he whimpered in pain.

"Why is Cerberus here?" she demanded coldly, "What do they want?"

"The — ugh, ah! — Illusive Man has a message for you," the soldier choked out, "We have eyes. Eyes that watch your every move. You're not safe, even on your own… own… sh—"

Before he could finished, he coughed and gagged loudly, as the last ounces of life drained out of his body.

James stepped up behind her, kicking the dead trooper with the toe of his boot, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Who knows. The Illusive Man was always a cryptic son of a bitch," Shepard pushed herself to stand, sweeping her eyes across the room to size up the damage that had been done, "This place is a wreck. Come on, let's go before they try to stick us with the bill."

She finally let her eyes settle on the lieutenant, and at first he thought she would continue on in her stoic dismissal of him, but as she turned to make her way back to the landing zone, he saw the distinct hint of a smirk pulling at the corners of her dark lips. At the sight of it, he couldn't help but smile himself, knowing full well she'd wanted it as much as he had. After that, there was no way Melloria would be able to dampen his spirits, no matter how hard she tried to get under his skin. They might not have made it to full on contact, but it had been close enough to toss him right up onto cloud nine, and he wouldn't be coming down any time soon.

* * *

It felt as if the missions just kept piling on top of each other, one after another. Shepard could feel herself growing increasingly overwhelmed as she stood in front of the galaxy map and scanned the destination points, trying to calculate which situation was the most dire. She'd had barely a few hours rest each night since leaving Menae, her nightmares still coming full force almost as soon as she'd close her eyes and slip out of consciousness. Images of Akuze had recently been replaced by shadowy forests filled with unintelligible, yet hauntingly familiar whispering voices; The boy in the ducts on Earth, that she hadn't been able to save, was always there, running for his life away from her, as if she were some kind of foreboding threat. The images were confusing and frightening, often tearing her abruptly from her slumber covered in a cold sweat.

She'd remained adamant about keeping Melloria at arms length, as well. Ever since the almost-kiss with the lieutenant on Sur'Kesh, her feelings for the volatile redhead had waned even further. Shepard refused to put up with her raving antics, and the other woman had taken to sequestering herself in the Life Support Control Room at all hours of the day and night. It didn't bother the commander one bit, but she had a feeling the time was coming for a full on confrontation. Whenever the occasion presented itself, she would be prepared, and she was even becoming more comfortable with the idea of kicking Mel to the curb completely, if need be.

On more than one occasion, Zoe had woken up ridiculously early from her nightmares, and instead of burying her head in a book or data pad as she normally would have, her first inclination was to travel down to the shuttle bay to find refuge in the lieutenant's company. James was an early riser, and he never failed to be wide awake as soon as she stepped out of the lift into the massive hangar. The first time it happened, she pretended to busy herself at the terminals before approaching him to chat, but after several consecutive occurrences she gave up the ruse in favor of immediate solace. He'd been more than happy to listen, understanding and obviously concerned about the state of her mental wellbeing. As she thought back on the mornings they'd spent together, she heard the unmistakeable sound of his heavy boots thumping towards her.

"Hey, Lola," he brought his hand up in a short wave when she turned to greet him, "I kinda missed our talk this morning."

"I didn't really have any dreams last night," she answered with an unconvincing shrug, "But, thanks for being there, James. It helps to get it out."

Shepard stepped down from the platform and it took everything inside him to stifle the urge to wrap his arms around her protectively. He'd had that same reaction to her every morning she'd come to him in the past week, her eyes red-rimmed and clouded with dread. On top of giving him detailed explanations of her nightmares, she'd also elaborated on her past with Melloria. She still hadn't been specific about the details of the tragedy on Akuze, but now he at least knew that she had in fact thought Mel was dead, and ten years later, the commander was still wracked with immeasurable guilt over the outcome. She also shed a little more light on who the woman had once been so long ago.

Zoe talked about the old Melloria as if she'd been some kind of infallible super-human. It was almost unnerving, the way she painted a flawless picture, as if everything about their time together had been a utopia of perfection. No one was that faultless, though, and nothing that Shepard said helped to shake the feeling Vega that the commander was correct in her assumption that she'd managed to suppress some of the more unpleasant details. He tried to write it off as simple jealousy over the fact that he'd never have that kind of connection with her, but it tugged relentlessly at his the back of his mind every time the redhead's name was brought up in their conversations — how was he possibly supposed to compete with that kind of ideal?

"Sur'kesh was…" Shepard clicked her tongue, pensively, "Something else…"

"How's that female krogan getting along?" he inquired, falling into step beside her as she drug her feet exhaustedly towards the elevator.

"I'm headed to check on her right now. We're en route to Tuchanka, but we're stopping off at the Citadel to do a supply and fuel run while Mordin finishes up with the cure," her tone was professional and she was dodging his gaze, "James, I've got something to tell you."

"Yeah? Shoot."

"I talked to Mel last night, and I told her I thought that… we shouldn't be together," her eyes flicked up to his for a split second before falling to the ground again, "At least, not for now. The more I remember about her, and the longer she's here, the more it seems like all she's ever done is drag me down. I… thought I'd take your advice and keep myself open to all those other options out there in the galaxy."

"Good, glad to hear it," he grinned, trying his best not to look like the cat that got the cream, "What changed your mind?"

"Hm, I can't really say," she glanced side-long at him, her eyes shining mischievously, "You know, you still owe me a drink, so once I'm done with business on the Citadel, I expect to see you in Purgatory."

"It's a date, Lola," he winked at her and was rewarded by a coy smirk.

"You know, I wasn't sure about it first, but I'm really starting to warm up to that nickname. It reminds me of when I was a kid," she was being vague on purpose, and he knew she was waiting for him to ask her to clarify.

"Oh, yeah, how so?"

"Do you watch old movies? Like, _really_ old movies?" she stepped out of the elevator in front of him, her arm lightly brushing his as she passed, spreading a pleasurable tingle along his skin.

"I haven't really had a lot of time for stuff like that since I was a kid," he admitted, following her along until she paused outside of the med bay.

"Well, one of my grandmother's favorite films was this really ancient musical from the 1950's called Damn Yankees," her mind drifted back to the innumerable days she'd spent with the old woman she'd loved so dearly, "She used to sing this one song from it, all the time. I can still remember sitting in her kitchen while she cooked and sang and danced. I knew, when you first called me Lola, that it reminded me of something, and I realized last night, it was _that_ song."

"Really?" it please him to no end to know that he'd brought her back to such a happy place with something as simple as a nickname, "I'm gonna have to hear this song, now. What's the name of it?"

"'Whatever Lola Wants'," she smirked coyly, "If you look it up, make sure you listen to the Ella Fitzgerald cover. The big band in that version is _killer_ … Anyway, I should head in to check on Mordin and Eve. You wanna come with?"

"Nah, I'm headed to see Garrus. He wants to teach me a little about calibrating the big guns," James nodded towards the Main Battery, where the turian spent the majority of his time.

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Shepard snorted a laugh, that dissolved into a satisfied expression, "I'm really glad you two are getting along so well."

"Yeah, he's a good guy. That krogan buddy of yours is pretty great too. You attract some interesting friends, Lola" he made a move to leave, almost missing the once over she gave him when she probably thought he wasn't paying attention.

"That I do…" she muttered softly, disappearing into the med bay a second later, leaving his head spinning and his heart thrumming like thunder against his chest.

For the first time in his life, he couldn't wait to dock on the Citadel, and he mentally calculated the time it would take them to arrive from their current location. It would only be about an hour now, if he'd counted right. The thought of a sort-of-date with her — it was too much to take in. He'd never done anything remotely good enough in his life to warrant this kind of luck. Garrus must have noticed his dazed expression, because when he entered the Main Battery, the turian immediately looked him over with a suspicious glare.

"Been talking to Shepard again?" it was clear that the gunnery officer was astute as hell.

"Yeah, how'd you know?" James tried to make out like it wasn't obvious he'd been pining again.

"You always have this swooning school boy look on your face when you come around after chatting with her," Garrus' voice was tinted with genuine amusement, "And you're blushing, so that's always a dead giveaway."

"I am _not_ blushing!" Vega huffed, "She's my CO, man. Can we just change the subject? What the hell is this, anyway, a slumber party?"

"Alright, alright, no need to get defensive. I'm just going to say one more thing and then I'll shut up about it, I swear," the turian's eyes shifted from mirth to sincerity as he continued, "I've only been back around for a little while now, but I can see something different in her eyes whenever she looks at you; something I've never seen there before."

"We were pretty close on Earth," James shrugged, pretending to be clueless as to what his comrade was trying to communicate, "Got to be really good friends, is all."

"Play oblivious if you want," Garrus said nonchalantly, turning his attention to the terminal beside him, "But I've known Shepard for years. She tells people I'm her best friend in the galaxy… and yet, she's never once come to me when she's had a bad dream…"


	14. Try, Try Again

They'd been going hard lately, harder than any squad James had ever been a part of, and the stop off at the Citadel was sure to be a short one, so he planned to make the most of it. He didn't realize how much he missed the taste of alcohol until he was chugging it down in full force. It had the intended effect; the thoughts of a certain commander slowly draining from his mind, replaced with the rhythmic thump of techno and pulsating flashes of neon lasers. He knew she would be there soon enough though, and his muscles tensed when he heard the clicking of high heels behind him, resounding to the beat of the music.

He felt heat envelop his back, and an arm snaking leisurely around his shoulder, as her sultry voice breathed low in his ear, "Lookin' for some company, soldier?"

Every damn time he came so close to forgetting her, there she was again. He spun around, startled and flushed by the way she greeted him.

_Ay dios mio, that dress…_

It clung to every curve, like cellophane, and plunged dangerously low in the front. There was something delightfully naughty about the placement of the N7 logo — about the choice to include it at all on such an informal piece of attire. Her hair fell in wavy tendrils down her shoulders; he'd almost forgotten what it looked like down. She'd done this on purpose, she must have. Like tossing a steak in front of a starving man, she was tempting him. Surely she knew what the consequences would be if he actually gave in and responded to all the signals she was throwing him at every turn. Or maybe the effect she had on him really was entirely lost on her.

Either way, he had to say something to break the tension building in the air "Hey Commander, glad you could make it down. And dressed to kill, at that."

"What, did you think I'd stand you up, Vega?" she smirked, "I'd never miss the chance for a free drink."

"Whoa, now. Come on, it can't be all about the free booze," he bounced on his heels, the alcohol having the opposite impact it was supposed to, causing him to be more nervous in her presence than usual, "You know you like my company, Lola."

"Uh huh. I like the idea of getting shit-faced drunk out of your pocket, is more like it."

"You wound me, chica," he feigned a hurt expression, pulling a barstool over and offering it to her.

"Hm, I didn't know you were such a gentleman," she took the proffered seat, crossing her long, muscular legs and waving the bartender over to place her order, "Top shelf whiskey, neat."

"Hey, I ain't made of credits," he teased, "Go easy on me, Commander."

"Don't worry, Lieutenant, I'll buy the next round," a second later she had her drink in hand, slinging it back like it was water.

An idea struck him, when he noticed some soldiers across the way whispering and staring at her, "No offense, Shep, but I'm not the one you should be buyin' a drink for."

"What do you mean?" she asked with genuine curiosity.

"See those marines over there? None of 'em officers — just soldiers fighting the war."

She glanced in the direction he pointed her, "And?"

"And… _they've_ been buying _me_ drinks all night. You know why?" she only raised an eyebrow at the question, so he continued, "Same reason they got all quiet and serious when you walked in."

"You don't seem intimidated by me in the least. Never have. In fact, you could use a little more _deference_ ," she drug out the last word with a serious tone, but a teasing light shone in her eyes.

_You wear a tight, slinky dress to come have a drink with me, then berate me for not being more submissive? Santa Madre de Dios, save me from this temptress._

These mixed signals were going to drive him insane if she didn't let up soon. Was she pushing back at him again or was it some kind of flirty double entendre?

He chose to laugh off the questionable rebuke, "Sure, but I've fought with you. I've seen you in action. Don't get me wrong, you're good. Probably one of the best."

"Probably?" she could read him well enough by now to know he was trying to take her down a peg or two.

"And you fill out a uniform like nobody's business," that had to have been the alcohol talking, "Just sayin'… but I know you're human, just like me. Don't forget, I've seen you break, and pull yourself back together again."

"But they haven't…" she was starting to catch his drift.

"Nope. Hell, I still remember the day they made you the first human Spectre. I watched it on the vids, just like all of them. But to _them_ , you're still larger than life," his expression was knowing, and his words as wise as they had been on their first visit to the Citadel.

"I've seen a hell of a lot, but I'm still just a soldier. I'm still one of them," it had never been easy for her to grasp the concept of others holding her on such a high pedestal.

"Sure, but they don't know you. They just know what they've been told. Listen, you want them to see you're one of us, right?" he coaxed her.

"Maybe," it wasn't reluctance to be friendly, but more a fear of rejection.

He was glad she was so willing to hear him out, so he made his suggestion, "Then buy them a round."

"I like the way you think, Lieutenant," she knew he was right, and was more than willing to oblige.

"Compadres! Hey… Commander Shepard would like you to have a drink. On her. So, here's to us!" he slammed his fists together, pumped by her eagerness.

The soldiers all stood at attention and saluted, one of them stepping forth to add a few words, "Who's like us?"

This was just like old times, or as close to it as humanly possibly, anyway, and Zoe could feel the excitement build, as she gave the reply she knew they were hoping for, "Damn few… and they're all dead."

The one that had spoken up approached her and took her hand in a firm shake, "It's an honor to meet you, Commander."

She shrugged off the formalities, "Thanks, but I'm not doing this alone. We're all in this together. Every one of us has a part to play, and it's because of soldiers like you that we're going to win this war."

The woman next to him nodded in agreement, "I'll drink to that. Cheers!"

"Cheers," she turned to the lieutenant, following him back to the bar, and gave him a look that was obviously seeking his approval.

"Not bad, Lola," he smirked, "I was hoping you'd know that one."

"Thanks for the warning," she teased, but he honestly hadn't given her enough credit — any soldier worth their salt would know that old saying.

"Thanks for the drink," he gave her a last once over before turning back to the bar, ready to resume drinking her out of his mind.

"One more thing, before you shut me down, Vega," she leaned onto the bar beside him, her voice low, and her eyebrows shot up in the same way his mother's used to when she was about to raise hell with him, "I'd like us to have a talk when we get back on board."

"If that's your way of trying to get me alone, all you gotta do is ask, hermosa," he took a long swig from his beer.

"I'm serious," she pushed off the bar, and shot him a final warning glance.

"Whatever you say, Commander," he shrugged it off, and she finally sauntered away.

He cast a lingering glance over his shoulder, his eyes following the sway of her hips as she left. The hem of her dress cut off just in time to reveal the shapely musculature of her calves and he noted that she walked as well in three inch spikes as she did in combat boots. On top of it all, peeking out from under the edges of her dress, and contrasting beautifully against the smooth tan skin of her shoulder and thighs, were the distinct etchings of several inky black tattoos. James' throat rumbled with a growl of lustful frustration as he forced himself to look away and down the last half of his beer.

Shit, she was trouble, and he loved the rush of it. As he finished off the remains of his bottle, he wondered if this whole back and forth was about to finally come to a head. She wanted to talk; so, he reasoned, it was either another attempt to pry into his past, or tell him to back the hell off. Then again, there was one other, much more interesting, option. The next few hours were going to have to be spent sobering up enough to face whatever she was going to present to him with a clear, level head. Now, if he could only get the image of her peeling off that glove she called a dress out of his mind, he might make it through the night.

* * *

Shepard had meant to visit Ashley before heading to the bar, but she'd been entirely too eager to see the look on the lieutenant's face when she stepped into Purgatory dressed to the nines. It hadn't been the plan to approach him the way she did. It hadn't been the plan to wear the one thing she owned that showed a slightly inappropriate amount of skin. And it definitely hadn't been the plan to take that moment to finally tell him it was time to discuss some things. But James Vega had a way of making her lose all sense of reason; Sur'Kesh had been proof enough of that.

Her only fear was how far they'd let it go without really talking about where it could, or couldn't, take them. Then, there was the little matter of Melloria to take into account. Shepard had yet to work up the nerve to dismiss the other woman entirely, and she hadn't been confronted by her yet either. It made the commander more than a little nervous. The memories that had been surfacing about her past with Mel hadn't been as sunshine and roses as she'd convinced herself at the beginning. She recalled enough now to be staunchly aware that her former lover was merely biding her time, scheming out a way to pull one over on Zoe in an attempt to get on her good side again.

All those reasons, and more, were exactly why the conversation with the lieutenant needed to happen. If she kept it up, if they both did, Shepard wasn't sure how much longer she could restrain herself. The tension was at a breaking point. Though it was nice to have someone that truly wanted to look out for her, every time he charged in to cover her, or knocked her out of harms way, visions of Akuze flashed through her mind — specifically, Mel's bloody body, laying lifeless in the wreckage. History had a way of repeating itself, but that was one experience she'd do anything to avoid ever happening again, even if it meant putting a stop to something she desperately wanted, maybe even needed, to happen.

Ashley had a field day ribbing Shepard about her choice of attire, and had pretty quickly pinpointed the reasoning behind it. It was the kind of thing no one on her crew was used to witnessing — the famous Commander Shepard with a crush. She was glad to see the LC was well enough to laugh, though, even if it was at her expense. They spent almost an hour bantering back and forth like teenagers, as if the air between them was finally starting to clear for good. It was the first time in weeks Zoe had felt any sense of real relief. She left the hospital feeling lighter, like for once she was truly making up for the mistakes of her past.

Her happiness was short-lived, however, for when she crossed into the elevator, an urgent message beeped into her omni-tool from Joker, informing her that Melloria was causing some sort of ruckus back abroad the Normandy. She rushed back to the docking bay as fast as her legs would carry her, and was hastily pointed in the direction of the war room. When she arrived, Mel was pacing in front of the vid comm, an exasperated Admiral Hackett staring her down with a deep grimace marking his features.

"What's going on here?" Zoe demanded, her face flushing with embarrassment that one of her squad would be bothering the superior officer during such critical times.

"There you are! Would you please tell the Admiral that I'm legit?" Mel stormed towards her, "I've been begging him for an hour to reinstate me, but he won't listen to reason!"

"What? I don't understand. Reinstate you?" the commander knit her brow in confusion, throwing a questioning glance towards the holograph of Hackett, "Is that really something you should be worrying about right now? I think the Admiral has more important business these days."

"Please, Zoe, I know you hate me right now, but you know I deserve this!" the redhead pleaded, putting on her best puppy-dog-eyed expression, "After everything I went through, and they discharged me! I lost everything I worked for! And it's your fault they did it, so make it right!"

"Mel, just go somewhere and calm down!" Shepard ordered, trying not to let the guilt that Melloria was trying to dredge up get the better of her, "I'll take care of this, just go!"

"Yeah, whatever," Mel huffed, brushing past Zoe, dropping her voice to a callous whisper and adding, "Nice dress. Bet the lieutenant _loved_ it. Guess you've replaced me already, huh? Goes to show how thankful you are to the woman who saved your life."

" _Leave_ , O'Brien," Shepard hissed vehemently, finally managing to prompt the other woman to disappear, "I'm so sorry, Admiral. I hope she didn't cause you too much trouble."

"Commander, I can't say I'm thrilled by that display," he began, sounding rightly miffed by the altercation, "Though, I have good reason to be hesitant to give her what she asks. I remember O'Brien, from your younger days, but I had my assistant pull her records, and I didn't like what I saw."

"What did you see?" Shepard felt her shoulders stiffen with trepidation — whatever it was, she could tell by the Admiral's tone, it wasn't good.

"Not much of anything. It seems someone's been tampering with her paperwork. She was discharged two years after the incident that put her in a coma, under the grounds that it was unlikely she would ever pull out of it, but beyond that, everything begins to get muddy," he narrowed his eyes at her pointedly, "Perhaps you have a _friend_ that can help you find out a little more about why there seems to be so much of her history that's been thrown to the wind?"

It only took a second for Shepard to comprehend what he was trying to imply, "Yes, sir, I'll look into it as soon as possible. And I promise, you won't have any more trouble out of O'Brien."

"Thank you, Commander. Let me know what you find out and… keep your eye on her. The whole thing seems shady. Hackett out," he gave her a firm nod of dismissal and abruptly cut the transaction.

Zoe's head was spinning, and her feet were beginning to ache. She knew it would be damn near impossible to avoid Melloria on the way back to her cabin; the other woman was probably waiting by the door of the CIC readied to strike as soon as the commander stepped through it. She wanted a strong drink, and a secret passage way that would lead around the impending fight, but she knew she'd be blessed with neither of those things any time soon. So, she kicked of her high heels and plodded out of the war room barefoot, suiting up in mental armor to brace herself for the verbal melee that awaited her.

Shepard couldn't have been more correct in her assumption. When the door to the main room glided open, Melloria was standing directly in front of her, arms crossed, tapping her foot, and just about breathing fire. Her coppery eyebrows shot up inquisitively, waiting for some kind of answer to her unasked question.

"No, you're not being reinstated," Zoe started, hurrying on so that the other woman could have no chance to interject, "Hackett has some questions about the time in your records between when you were relieved of duty, and now. He says it looks… shady."

"Shady? Are you sure it's not just because his decrepit eyes can't read what's right in front of his face? I was in a goddamn coma, Z. What the hell was I supposed to be doing?"

"I don't know, but I plan on finding out," Shepard huffed out a breath, "Can we take this somewhere else, Mel? We have some things to discuss, and I'd rather not do it out here in the open."

Melloria didn't respond; instead, she stomped off in the direction of the Life Support Control Room, giving Zoe no choice but to follow and hope she could slip inside before the door was slammed in her face.

"There's nothing to talk about, Z. All this time, I thought you'd be as happy to have me back as I was you, but I was wrong. You never loved me like I loved you," Mel crossed to the table and leaned against it, burying her face in her hands, "Why do you hate me so much? All I ever did was protect you. You just want to throw me out with the trash. You're no better than your mother."

"Hey! That's not fucking fair, Melloria," Shepard advanced on the other woman, feeling her temper begin to boil over at the unwarranted comparison, "I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt! Hell, for a while there, I had myself convinced that you were someone you're not. Did you _honestly_ think I wouldn't remember? And that I would just roll over and take it, the way I did back then?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Mel whispered, still covering her eyes, refusing show herself, "I'm a good person. I just wanted what was best for you."

"No, you didn't. You wanted me under your thumb, dependent on you and only you. I knew it was my fault when you got hurt on Akuze, and it almost killed me to know that I caused it, because you had me so twisted around your little finger that I thought I wouldn't survive without you. But I did more than that. I fucking _thrived_. And I _am_ sorry… I am _so_ sorry for what happened to you, but honestly… I wish you'd never come back. I was better off without you."

Melloria choked out a sob, "Why would you say something like that? I didn't think you were so heartless. What happened to the girl I feel in love with back in basic?"

"No. _No_ , don't even start this," Zoe shook her head, forcing herself to ignore the sentimental tug in her heart, "I'm not going to let you play the pity card on me any more. I can see right through it now. Why the hell it took me so long is beyond me."

"I just want you to love me. But all you care about is your new friends. There was a time when _I_ was your only friend. You didn't need anyone else," tears trickled slowly down Mel's face, and it was getting harder and harder for Shepard to maintain her resolve, "This is about that lieutenant. I know it is. How could you replace me, when I spent so long trying to find you again? He doesn't understand you like I do, Z; none of them do! The crew, your squad mates — they aren't your friends. They're just like your parents, they'll only abandon you in the end. I love you. I love you _so much_ , and I need you. I'll never leave you like they will!"

"You're wrong. They do understand me, the real me, better than you ever did."

"Bullshit!" Mel's head shot up, finally meeting Zoe's eyes with a fiery, anguished gaze, "They could never care about you the way I do. You think that if it ever came down to you or them, that they'd choose to save your life instead of their own?"

"Yes, I do."

"Don't be stupid, Zoe! I'm the only one that can protect you. I'm the only one that will never leave you. I would die for you! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"It used to… but now, things are different. I don't believe anything you say anymore," Shepard let out a heavy sigh and turned her back on the other woman, "I wish I could say I was sorry for what I'm about to tell you, but I'm not… Melloria, I think you should go."

" _Go?_ " the redhead darted towards the commander, "You're kicking me off the ship? You wouldn't fucking dare!"

"That's exactly what I'm doing," she cast Mel a steely, resolute glance, "You've spent every last chance you had to show me you've changed. I can't waste any more time waiting for something that's never going to happen."

For a moment, Melloria looked as if she'd lash out again, but a second later she wilted, falling into Zoe's arms, her body wracked with grief, "Please, Z. I don't have anywhere to go. My parents don't want anything to do with me since I was discharged. I was trying to get reinstated just so my mother would speak to me again! They think I'm a disgrace, a failure. You know as well as anyone what it's like for your parents to want nothing to do with you. _Please_ , I just want to be near you, even if you don't love me anymore. I'll be good, I'll stay to myself, I promise."

Shepard could feel herself faltering. She'd never seen Mel look so absolutely miserable and broken before, and the scene was shaking her to her very core.

_Say no, Zoe, just say no. — But it's your fault she ended up like this. Her parents were the most important people in her life and they left her because of you. — Don't give in, she's just using you. — Regardless, she loves you; she always has. Just give her one more chance._

The commander ran a hand through her wavy hair, willing the quarreling thoughts to cease.

"Fine, if you promise to stay to yourself. _Don't_ , under any circumstances, bother Hackett _ever_ again. And no more missions, _period_ ," Zoe pulled away, out of the woman's clinging arms, "And, I want it be clear and final — nothing will _ever_ happen between us, _ever again_. I have a life outside of you now, and I intend to live it. Do you understand me?"

"Yes," Mel whimpered, wiping the moisture from her cheeks and forcing a pathetic sniffle, "I understand… Commander."

Shepard's gaze narrowed skeptically, "Alright. But if I hear of one single incident of trouble out of you, you're gone."

She left it at that, spinning on her toes and dashing out of the room, utterly exhausted by the exchange. When she finally arrived to the solace of her cabin, she quickly stripped off her dress and made her way to the shower. She sat down on the floor under the stream of hot water, in the meditative pose she'd learned from Samara, what seemed like a lifetime ago. Zoe could never manage to pull herself far enough out of her own thoughts to meditate correctly, but she did her best thinking under the steady, calming deluge of water.

How had it come to this, that in a matter of weeks, her entire world was completely upended in a plethora of ways? Earth and the rest of the galaxy was in shambles. She'd found, and rejected, the woman she'd believed was her one true love. And now, she was losing her heart to a man that may or may not decide to risk it all to be with her, if she would ever chose to let him.

_James…_

Why had she been so open to sharing her innermost thoughts with him, even from the very beginning? The only possible answer back then could have been cabin fever. Confinement had changed her, in spades. All the partitions in her mind that had held back the memories had been smashed by the wrecking ball that was her solitary existence. All she had wanted was to get back out and help. People were suffering, dying, on the brink of a war that they didn't even believe was coming. And she had been powerless to stop it. It wasn't a feeling Shepard was accustomed to, and it had to be the reason she'd let so many uncharacteristic things occur in her time there.

Taking off Middleton's finger; punching James in the face; telling him too many secrets, then forcing him away; letting Mel dictate her every move and emotion — none of that was like her. It was almost as if she was a woman possessed by a ghost of the past. If she'd met Vega at any other point in her life, it would have been easy to close herself off. She would have been so busy with the job that it wouldn't have ever become an issue. But now, they'd come too far to change things. The feelings were there, they were real, and now that Melloria was more or less out of the picture, something could come of it, if she and the lieutenant allowed it to.

"EDI," Shepard called out.

"Yes, Commander?"

"I need you to keep any eye on O'Brien. Let me know if you notice anything suspicious."

"Of course, Shepard."

"And have Liara reinspect her background… please."

"Right away."

"Thank you."

When she'd finished her shower, and redressed in her regular civvies, she couldn't ignore the overpowering urge to make another visit to the shuttle bay. The face of her loyal lieutenant wouldn't leave her mind, ever since that moment on the floor of the research facility. Shepard was falling, hard and fast, finally letting herself accept the inevitable. Regardless of her feelings, however, the old wounds Mel had opened up were still too fresh, and there was the added inconvenience of Alliance regulations to worry about. Shepard hadn't been out long, there was no way she was going back in for dalliances with a crew member.

She knew though, that the risk for herself was much less than for the lieutenant. She had her Spectre status to protect her, and it was doubtful they'd bother with all the headache involved when the situation in the galaxy was so dire. It was unlikely they'd do more than give her a slap on the wrist for that kind of affair. The lieutenant, however, could easily be stripped of his rank and demoted, if not thrown out of the program all together. She couldn't lose him now, not after all the ways they'd grown together, especially not just to quench her own selfish desires.

Still, she couldn't keep herself away. Shepard crossed into the shuttle bay and made her way over to the weapons bench, pretending to busy herself as she had so many times before. Across the way, James was doing pull ups in his makeshift work area. Why he always chose to sequester himself down there, instead of joining the rest of the crew hanging out in the higher levels, she had no idea, but she didn't question it. She stepped up to the terminal and began to punch in commands, her eyes drifting ever so often to the grunting, sweating… rippling…

_ERRRRZZ!_ The machine let out a piercing error noise, startling her and jerking her back to attention. She heard a chuckle from the lieutenant's direction and her face flared red. He may not have seen her staring, but she had a good idea he'd figured it out anyway, thanks to the machine's infernal racquet. She willed herself to concentration on the task at hand. When she was finally satisfied, she swallowed her pride and meandered across the bay in Vega's direction.

"Hey, Lola," he greeted her, never missing a beat in his count, "So, what's the deal with O'Brien?"

She followed his body's rise and fall with her eyes, visibly impressed by the lack of strain he was exhibiting, "Trying to convince the Alliance to give her title back."

"She doesn't think maybe she's been out of the game a little too long for it to be that simple?"

"Who knows what she's thinking?" she crossed her arms, barely catching the smirk he shot her when he noticed her gaze trailing along his body, "I used to believe I had her pretty well figured out, but I don't think I could have been more wrong."

"People change, or in her case, they don't. So, d'you come down here for that talk you wanted, or are you just lookin'?" he let out a grunt, more for effect than from the actual work.

She let her voice go low and sultry, "I did just come to chat, but I might stay for the show."

"Have to work harder than that if you wanna make me blush," the cocky grin he threw down at her caused her own cheeks to flush with heat.

"Need I remind you that I've made you blush before, lieutenant. You act like it's such a hard thing to accomplish. Anyway, I thought maybe I'd come see if you were ready to tell me a little about Fehl Prime. I wasn't privy to your service record when we met and you never really talk about it much. I guess I'm curious as to what led you to me."

The way she said the last sentence made his throat clench up, but he gave no indication as he dropped from the bar and rolled his neck, the cracking sound and fluid way he moved sending a shiver down Shepard's back, "Think you can dance and talk at the same time?"

Her eyes lit up with excitement at the thought of sparing with him, and she followed him to the middle of the bay, "Oh, I can dance."

"Okay, Lola, let's do this."

"Don't let my good looks fool you, Vega. I've got my share of scars," she cracked her knuckles and stooped into a fighting stance.

They stared each other down for a brief moment, but Zoe finally broke the tension with a pair of jabs to his face. She thought back to the first time she'd punched him. He blocked well, faster than his size would indicate. He could have easily blocked that previous assault, so what had made him just stand there and take it? He'd even tried to get her to do it again. The lieutenant swung a few hits her way, obviously not going full throttle — probably thinking he was doing her a favor. This was going to be fun.

He let out a laugh as they took turns throwing each other warmup shots, "You remind me of my old CO, Captain Toni."

She dodged backwards, his fist barely grazing her cheek, but she shook it off, "Oh yeah, how so?"

He wasn't actually trying to hit her, but a few close calls would keep her on her toes, help to get her mind sharp and back in the game. She hid the fact that she was rusty quite well from the rest of the crew, but he, more than most, knew the toll that so many months of constant stress had taken on her. He'd seen it first hand, had been the victim of her temper on more than one occasion.

He backed off a bit to let her recover, and answered, "He was a hard-assed son of a bitch, but a good leader."

"Was?" she grunted the question, successfully blocking a few more close ones.

"Died — with most of my squad — protecting a civilian colony from a Collector attack."

"And the colony?" her curiosity was messing with her focus, the next jab almost connecting with her jaw before she knocked it away at the last second.

He was letting himself get a bit more aggressive with her than he'd meant to, but these not-so-old memories were the last thing he wanted to talk about, no matter how much he'd been wanting to be straight with her, "It was either them, or the intel we had on the Collectors — intel we could have used to destroy them… I chose the intel."

He'd told her before that he'd made similar work-related decisions to hers, but she'd never expected a confession like that, "Sorry, James… That's a tough call."

He wasn't holding back anymore, and the blows from both of them came faster and harder with each breath, "The best part was, we didn't really need the intel in the end… because _you_ were out saving the galaxy by taking out the entire Collector homeworld."

"So you blame yourself… and me?"

James hesitated for a moment. It was clear he hadn't meant for her to come to that assumption, and he was beginning to get uncomfortable with the line of questioning, so Shepard decided to let off for the moment.

"Sorry, Jimmy. It's just that, sometimes I worry that you don't care if you live or die out there."

She threw one final jab to his face, but he caught her arm at the last second, twirling her around and trapping her in a lose headlock. Her back was pressed flush to his chest and she could feel his heart beating against her spine, as rapidly as her own. James leaned his head to her ear, almost grazing it with his lips, as his breath tickled at her cheek.

"Maybe you're right," he whispered gruffly, "But, then again, maybe I actually found something worth living for."

Zoe craned her neck around to meet his gaze, suddenly noticing how the fluorescent lights of the bay caught hints of tiny golden flecks inside the chocolatey pools of his irises. His eyes, all deep-set and darkened by years of seeing too much strife, were perfectly mesmerizing. She caught the sight of his tongue darting out to wet his rough lips before her own eyes drifted closed as his face edged closer to hers.

"Hey, Vega. Liara needs to see you, says it's important," Joker's voice cut through the moment, and Shepard pulled herself away hastily, fighting the urge to curse the pilot up and down for the interruption, "She said for you to come alone."

"Alone?" Zoe knit her brow curiously.

"Oh, hey Shepard. Sorry, did I, uh… interrupt something?"

"Yes," James growled

And the commander shouted almost in unison, "No!"

"Okay, well, that answered that question," Jeff snickered, "I think the Primarch wanted to see you, Commander. Another mission for you, in case, you know, you were running short on those or something."

"Mhm, thanks, Joker," Zoe rolled her eyes, pinching at the bridge of her nose, "I really haven't been busy enough lately."

"Oh, Garrus said to remind you he still wants to talk to you, too. Later love birds."

"Son of a…" she let out an exasperated sigh, ignoring the smart ass comment for the time being, "How about I just meander around the ship and talk to everyone? I've got all the time in the world, anyway right?"

"Hey, don't stress yourself, Lola," James closed the gap she'd made between them, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder, and slowly dragging his palm down her arm until he had her hand in his, "We'll pick up where we left off later, yeah?"

The thought instantly caused her anxiety to melt away, and she rewarded him with a flirtatious smirk as she pulled him towards the lift, "Yeah, that sounds like a plan."

They spent the ride up in a silence that wasn't so much awkward as it was coy and comfortable. James likened the feeling that welled in his chest to the first time one feels a crush blossoming in youth. He hadn't felt that way in years, and never to this degree. When the elevator arrived on the crew deck and they were preparing to break off from each other, James took her hand again, bringing it to his lips to place a slow, soft kiss on her knuckles. They didn't speak a word of goodbye, but their eyes said enough — they said 'see you soon, and next time, no interruptions.'


	15. Breaking The Habit

"There you are," Garrus drawled, as Zoe passed into the Main Battery, still feeling slightly unprepared for the browbeating headed her way, "I thought you'd just keep avoiding your old comrade until the Reapers came along and swallowed us all up."

"Sorry, I've been busy," she shifted nervously, deliberately avoiding his gaze.

The turian narrowed his beady eyes at her, "Too busy to talk to your 'oldest and dearest friend', huh?"

"I know you're about to chew me out for everything that's been going on lately," she leaned against a nearby shelf and shrugged, "Go ahead, do your worst."

"I have every right to be concerned about you, Shepard. With your history…" he trailed off, fully aware she knew where he was going with the conversation.

"I told you, it was a one time mistake, Garrus. It hasn't happened again, and it won't."

"You said you wouldn't drink before missions, but that's not what I'm worried about," he crossed to her, his face awash with concern, "I admit, at times I've been somewhat of an enabler, but I can tell all this mess with that girlfriend of yours has you messed up in a way that I haven't seen you since Kaidan died."

"She's not my girlfriend," Zoe corrected forcefully, "I broke it off. Which is why this isn't going to be an issue anymore."

"But you're keeping her around…"

"She doesn't have anywhere to go. I can't just throw her out of the airlock."

"You could have left her at the Citadel. They have plenty of accommodations for refugees, and apartments if that's more her thing. But you didn't. You let her stay. What exactly is that supposed to accomplish? Whether she says she'll be on her best behavior or not — she doesn't really seem like the kind of person who just lets things go."

Shepard dropped her gaze to the ground in shame, knowing he was right, but feeling defiant none the less, "Everything that happened to her is my fault. I owe this one kindness, especially if I'm not going to be with her. She gave her life for me."

"You don't owe her, or anyone else, anything, Shepard," Garrus shook his head in annoyance, "You're the damn savior of the galaxy. And, obviously, she didn't give her life for you, because last time I saw her, she was breathing just like the rest of us."

"You know what I mean!"

"No, I don't, because you won't tell anyone what happened. If you don't eventually fess up to it, you're never going to get closure on the matter. It's going to haunt you for the rest of your life, and eat at you until you won't be able to fight off your guilt long enough to tell her goodbye for good."

"I'm _trying_ ," Zoe buried her face in her hands, "But I can't even think about it without going back there. The memories still feel so real. I failed and everyone died."

"You didn't die. At least, I didn't think you did, but the more I see you wasting your time with that woman in there, the more I'm convinced I might be wrong about that."

"Since when are you a relationship expert, Vakarian?" she huffed, uncovering her eyes and glaring at him sarcastically.

"I'm not even close to that, but I will tell you that I know for a fact there's one person out there that will treat you better than O'Brien could ever hope to," he peered at her with a pointed expression, "The lieutenant is a good man. Insufferably self-assured at times, but all the same, he cares about you, and you'd have to be blind and deaf to miss it."

"I am most assuredly neither of those things," Shepard smirked, rolling her eyes to the ceiling, "You can stop worrying about me though. I already told Melloria I was moving on, and not an hour later I somehow found myself in the arms of said lieutenant. Accidentally, of course, but still…"

"That's all well and good, but you also have to be careful about moving things too fast," he turned away from her and busied himself at the terminal nearby, "You've been on a rough ride these past few weeks. Throwing yourself from one person to the next isn't going to do you any favors either."

"Yes, doctor," she shot back acerbically, "So how much are you charging me for the therapy?"

"This time, it's on the house," he threw her a teasing wink, "But, if the next time I ask you for a talk and you keep me waiting, I am going to charge you, with interest for every day you avoid me."

Shepard gave a laugh and pushed herself off the bench, "So, can I go now?"

"Yeah, I think your hour's up."

"See you later, Vakarian."

"Take care of yourself, Shepard. I mean that."

* * *

"I've never seen this type of coding before, but Glyph and I are working on a cypher. We should have it completed in a day or two, at the latest," Liara's slender blue fingers tapped away on the terminal's keyboard at lightening speed, as a deluge of scrambled documents popped up on the monitor.

"Why are you showing me this?" James asked, but had a pretty good idea already.

"They're correspondences between Melloria and an unknown recipient," she swiped her hand across the screen, the images expanding so they could be seen more clearly, "As I said, the cypher is still incomplete, but the messages seem to indicate that you were right. She's up to something. And, evidently, she's quite skilled at covering her tracks. Somehow, she managed to scramble her omni-tool's connection to the point that EDI was unable to intercept the the exchanges."

"That's gotta take some talent, to pull one over on the unshackled AI," James scanned the contents of the messages, trying to piece together the bits that had unscrambled so far, "So, you've had EDI keeping tabs on her private messages?"

"Of course," Liara looked as if it shouldn't have come as any kind of shock, "I'm the Shadow Broker. It's my responsibility to know what's going on in the galaxy at all times. Besides, I made you a promise… and Shepard requested it."

"You're a gem, doc," he smiled wide, feeling better already — it was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless, "Wait. Shepard asked you to keep tabs on O'Brien?"

"Well, she gave EDI the order, but she also asked that I review the information I originally found. I went back as far as the first message, dated a month before she reappeared. From what I've been able to piece together, it seems as if she was already well aware of Shepard's location, possibly shadowing the Normandy's flightpath throughout the galaxy since the minute the Reapers hit Earth."

"No wonder she didn't waste any time showing herself," this conversation was making him uneasy, and he kept shooting paranoid glances at the door, afraid that any moment, Mel would burst in to confront them, "Why tell me though? Shouldn't you be passing this on to Shepard?"

"There are still too many things that are unclear. I don't want to worry her until I'm sure of what's going on," the asari let out a defeated sigh, "I'm sorry. I know it's not much. I'll send you a message when the cypher is complete and we'll go over the findings together. In the mean time, get some rest. You're beginning to look as worn out as the commander."

"I'm good, just worried about her still," he shrugged, taking a few steps towards the door, "Thanks again, doc. I don't know what she'd do without you."

"I could say the same for you, Lieutenant," she let a small grin reach her azure eyes as she nodded her goodbye, "Take care, James."

"You too, Liara."

With a heavy heart, and a lot to consider, James made his way back to the solace of the shuttle bay. Whatever they found in those messages was sure to rile up trouble. He only hoped Shepard was back on her feet in time to diffuse the situation, and take back control of her life. Melloria was sketchy, those correspondences had proved it. By the time he reached his alcove on the bottom level of the ship he now fondly called home, he was practically bouncing with adrenaline from the tantalizing memory of soft, battle scarred lips hovering mere millimeters from his own.

* * *

As much as Shepard hated to face the facts, Garrus had given her a lot to mull over, adding on to the numerous worries already contained in her subconscious. All she wanted was to let go of her inhibitions, and free herself to take hold of something she craved — to help herself for a change — a little bit of payback for all the thankless years of giving her all to a galaxy that could careless who she was as long as she continued to pull them out of the fire. But then that damn insightful turian cohort of hers had to go and make a comment about not letting herself move too quickly from one relationship to the next.

_Can I really call what happened with Mel a 'relationship'? Does that even really count? …Of course it does. And you know Vakarian is right…_

It would take time, and a lot of soul searching, to get herself in the right mental state to take on a new romantic partner. It had taken her nearly ten lonely years the first time around. She still had a lot of demons stewing inside of her, haunting her nightmares, even crossing over into her waking hours at times. It was too much of a risk to let the lieutenant believe he could have her, no strings attached, when she wasn't even sure of herself enough to know that she wouldn't eventually break his heart. She knew that the best thing they could do at this point would be to get back to how things had been once upon a time; the chummy, carefree days back on Earth, before things became so mixed up and confusing.

Besides, if she didn't start focusing all of her efforts on taking down the Reapers, they would all end up in some seriously dire straits, sooner rather than later. A laundry list of reasons to cool her hormonal jets was beginning to compile itself in her brain. Her feelings had almost gotten the better of her too many times already, and Shepard knew that she'd have to request another talk with Vega as quickly as possible.

Whether she'd wanted to have the conversation with him right that instant or not was of no consequence, because before she ever even got the chance to mention it, they found themselves rushing towards Tuchanka. The situation had peeked to critical, and Shepard was so swamped with updates and meetings that she barely saw the lieutenant the entire two days it took to get there. By the time they arrived, the whole place was in so much of a tailspin that there wasn't a second left to focus on anything but the various missions ahead of them.

The whole ordeal had been a roaring success and a terrible disaster all at the same time. They'd cured the genophage, but the salarian scientist and the primarch's son had both given their lives for the cause. They'd almost been blown to smithereens by an ancient bomb, had come face to face with a Reaper, awakened the mother of all Thresher Maws — and on top of it all, the commander had been seriously injured on the last leg of the mission. With the ashes from the explosion drifting to the ground like snowflakes, and the ethereal glow of the setting sun, she'd looked like an angel clawing her way out of the very depths of hell.

Mel had _not_ been happy when she'd seen James carrying Shepard, knight-in-shining-armor style, into the med bay. It came as no surprise, the dirty glare she'd shot him, and he braced himself to rebuff the assault that was no doubt about to take place. He laid the commander, as gently as possible, on the exam table, searching her face for any signs of consciousness. With an anguished groan, she stretched her neck carefully, finally opening her eyes to him.

"Hey there, Lola," he smiled, letting out a sigh of relief, "Thought we'd lost you there for a minute."

"You're not getting rid of me that easily, Vega," she breathed a chuckle that was cut short by stabbing pain, " _Shit!_ I'm not even sure how I made it out of that one."

"Z! Are you alright?" Mel chose that moment to come rushing into the room to Shepard's side, shoving James out of the way with a nudge of her bony shoulder, "Dammit, this is why I told you to take me with you. This wouldn't have happened if I'd been there."

Vega knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Melloria had seen them come in, and in that moment, she'd been seething with rage — no doubt from the fact that James had been the one bringing her in to get help. It was apparent to him that she'd stayed outside, in the mess hall, long enough to change her mask again; flipping her attitude to one of nothing but heart wrenching concern for the wounded commander. Vega wondered how long she'd be able to keep up this facade before it all came to a head.

"I'm fine, Mel," Zoe's breathing was shallow and she didn't seem to be thrilled with the redhead's sudden presence, "James and Garrus had my back. I just went a little rouge on them without warning."

Shepard cast a knowing glance at the lieutenant and he couldn't help but grin in response. Melloria easily caught the exchange, and in the blink of an eye, her ferocity returned as if someone had flipped a switch inside her. She whipped around to Vega and stabbed a finger into his armored chest.

Mel spat her words inches from his face, with unchecked brutality, "This is _your_ fault! If you had kept her in line, she wouldn't be hurt! I hope you're happy, you almost got her killed, you fucking idiot!"

"You're full of shit, O'Brien! Maybe you're just pissed because you can't _'keep her in line'_ anymore. Shepard's not your puppet, and she can take care of her fucking self," the lieutenant shot back, finally reaching the limit of what he could handle out of her.

"Hey! Take it somewhere else, you two!" Doctor Chakwas lunged towards them, pushing herself between the skirmish, "Commander Shepard is not in a condition to deal with your infernal squabbling. Get the hell out of my med bay, or I'll forcefully remove the both of you myself."

Shepard had never seen the tiny doctor look so intimidating. If she hadn't been wracked with excruciating pain and exhausted from the drama of the past few weeks, she would have had a pretty good laugh at the looks on all their faces. Still simmering with rage, the pair of soldiers stomped towards the exit, but Zoe lifted her head to call out to their backs.

"James, wait," she sputtered a cough at the strain in her throat, "Stay with me while I get checked over. I need to talk to you."

She'd thought Melloria would start in on him again at the request, but she only let out a loud, disgusted noise as she continued on her way.

"We'll have to get this armor off of you, Commander," Chakwas began to struggle with the plate releases, "Help me out here, would you, Lieutenant?"

"Sure, doc," he joined them on the opposite side, taking care to be as gentle with Shepard's no doubt aching appendages as he could manage while fighting with the bent up metal, "I think you're gonna need a new paint job, Lola."

"Yeah," she choked out a laugh, "And it's gonna be hell knocking out all these dents."

"My preliminary scans show you fractured your right shin. Your ribs are badly bruised, one small fracture, but thankfully there are no complete breaks, or this would have been a lot worse. You managed to scrape by with fewer serious injuries than I would have thought. Obviously, you'll need some stitches in this gash," the doctor probed at the wound on Shepard's side, checking the depth of it, "It's worse than the hit you took at the Cerberus lab. Opposite side, though, so you'll have a matching set of scars. But, all in all, you're in surprisingly good condition. Take a few days off to rest, and you should be back on your feet in less than a week."

"I wonder if the Reapers would be willing to take a few days off, too," the commander snorted, in better spirits than someone in her position had any right to be.

"I seriously doubt that, Lola, but here's to hoping," he winked playfully and crossed over to the sink nearby, pulling out a sterile rag from the cabinet overhead.

He wet the cloth and returned to her side, gently wiping her bloodstained face as she peered up at him, her silvery irises sparkling in the florescent lights of the med bay. A genuine smile crept across her lips as their eyes met and he swiped the cloth along her cheek, grazing her skin lightly with his thumb.

"I'm glad you made it out alright, Commander," his voice was quiet and Zoe felt her heart clench at the sincerity in his voice, "And I'm sorry about blowing up at O'Brien. She just gets to me some times, you know?"

"Yeah… that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Shepard started, sucking in a breath through gritted teeth when Chakwas poked at her wound again without warning.

"I'm applying the antiseptic to begin the stitches. Perhaps you should wait on this conversation," the doctor suggested politely.

"It's alright, Karin. If I can trust you to stab me repeatedly with a needle, I can trust you to hear what I have to say," she assured, continuing on without hesitation, "You've been right this whole time, James — about Mel. Something's really off with her. I mean, she's the same person she always was, I can see that now. But something in the details isn't adding up."

"Sorry, Commander, but I don't follow," he knit his brow, unsure of what she was trying to get at.

"Mel had always been… confrontational, but she usually hid it well. It was mainly reserved for when we were alone. She didn't lash out at people the way she did with Jack, and you. I didn't have a lot of friends back then, but when I did start to get close to someone, she always found a way to wedge herself in the middle — a way of dominating the relationship, I guess," she hesitated, her eyes flicking to the ceiling, as she let out a gasp at the first prick of Chakwas' needle, "But back then, she was more charismatic, not so volatile."

"She wanted to control your life, like she's trying to now," he predicted her thoughts as easily as if he were in her head, thinking them himself.

"Exactly," Shepard agreed, snarling when the pin stabbed into a particularly tender spot, "I think you need to up the pain killers, doc."

"You're a big girl, you can handle it, Lola," without thinking, James laid his hand on top of Zoe's, wrapping his fingers around hers tightly, and was pleasantly surprised when she returned the gesture.

"What's bothering me more than that, though," she trudged onward, doing her best to ignore the flares of pain that were shooting through her abdomen, "Is how she falls apart every time she thinks I'm mad at her, the times when I fight back. It's… not something that I ever did back then — question her. I always just cowered down and did what she told me to. So, maybe it's because she didn't have to back then, or maybe she's just changed in that way, but something about it is… unsettling."

"I'm not a psychologist, Commander," Chakwas chimed in unexpectedly, "But it sounds to me like you were in an abusive relationship."

"No, it's not like that. She never hit me or anything," Shepard corrected her, but the doctor looked understandably skeptical.

"Not all abusive relationships are physically violent, my dear," the older woman pointed out, "Mental abuse — things such as attempting to control every aspect of a significant other's life, alienating them from their peers, causing them to feel as if they're the inferior member of the relationship — is much more common place, and typically harder to see when you're the victim of it."

"I don't…" the commander started to balk the claim, but was interrupted by the sudden intrusion of Liara, looking positively out of sorts with worry.

"Shepard! I heard what happened. Are you alright?" the asari's soft voice was fraught with panic.

"She'll be fine as long as she follows her orders to stay in bed for a day or two," Chakwas assured the frantic woman.

"Oh, thank the goddess. When I heard about the Reaper and the thresher maw…" Liara sighed, letting her concern dissolve into relief.

At the mention of the centipede-like monstrosity, James caught the way Shepard's eyes flooded with terror. It was the same look she'd had when she'd seen the thing spring forth from the ground and tackle the gargantuan machine in the distance. It had only taken a brief mention of the creature to send the commander into fearful shock under the tunnels of Tuchanka. She'd completely clammed up when Wrex had informed her about it over the comm, and had stopped abruptly, frozen in place, quaking with dread. The lieutenant could clearly recall the blank, haunted look on her face as he did everything in his power to talk her back into reality.

"Maybe we don't mention the, uh… worm thing, doc?" Vega suggested, carefully.

"That's probably for the best. On top of everything else, we don't need to aggravate her PTSD," Chakwas added.

"Can you please not talk about me as if I'm not here?" Zoe growled, dropping her head back on the pillow roughly.

"Sorry, Commander," Karin offered.

"Yeah, sorry Lola," the lieutenant gave her hand another light squeeze before releasing it, reluctantly.

"James, I'm glad you're here," Liara spoke up again, "I need to talk to you about something… in private."

"Huh? What's with the secrecy?" the commander goaded, teasingly, "It's about my birthday, isn't it? You guys are throwing me a surprise party. You're so sweet."

"Shepard, your birthday isn't for another three months," the asari reminded her.

"Then I guess I'll be _really_ surprised," Zoe snickered, her eyes rolling upwards, lethargically.

"I think the pain medicine is starting to kick in," Doctor Chakwas snorted a laugh, and crossed to her desk to take a seat.

"Let's go, doc. Get some rest, Lola," he turned to follow Liara out of the room, but Shepard's hand shot out and grabbed for his, pulling him back towards her.

"Hey, come here, I have to tell you a secret," she mumbled, the drugs working hard to hastily knock her on her ass.

He leaned in close, but evidently, not close enough. She pulled her other hand up and yanked at the side of his chest plate, forcing him downwards until his face was hovering only inches from hers. From this distance, her piercing, platinum stare was luminescent and the makeup smears and bruises colored her face like brushstrokes on an unfinished canvas. His breath caught in his throat and he had to swallow down the lump that grew there when they locked eyes. Suddenly, her warm, parched lips were on his own, for just a split second before she plopped back onto the bed and relinquished her grip on him.

"Shh, don't tell," she winked lazily, a sheepish grin spreading across her face, as she closed her eyes and let the morphine carry her into a deep slumber.

"Oh, my," Liara gasped behind him, "That was unexpected."

"Dios," James shook his head in disbelief, "You're tellin' me…"

"Anyway, if you'll join me, Lieutenant, I think you'll be very interested to hear what I've uncovered."

"Right behind you, doc."

* * *

Three days passed, slow and antagonizing days spent confined to the bed in the med bay. Shepard was sure she was going to go insane; the deafening quiet of the cold, sterile room only broken up by the steadily incessant beeping of the monitors that were keeping a constant check of her vital signs.

_If that thing chirps like that one more time, I'm going to hit it with a Throw so strong it'll tear a hole in the fucking ship!_

"Hey, doc, you ever considered getting some music in here?" the commander struggled to sit up, kicking the thin sheet off her legs and onto the floor, "You seem like you'd be a punk fan. Let's go way back with it. A little Black Flag, Dropkick Murphys… maybe even some Bad Religion? Come on, what's your jam?"

"I'm more of a Led Zeppelin person, myself," Chakwas ribbed back, "Have you ever considered the fact that you're an _insufferable_ patient, Shepard? However, I am glad to see you're in better spirits, and sitting up at that."

"You're a miracle worker, Karin," Shepard shot the older woman a cheeky grin, "To think, they told me I'd never walk again. And look at me now! Hell, I feel like dancing. Let's mosh, doc."

"Very funny, Commander," the doctor's eyes practically rolled across the floor, "By the way, Melloria requested a visit, if you're feeling up to seeing her."

Zoe let out a frustrated sigh at the thought of coming face to face with that woman again. She'd rebuffed Mel's attempts to see her since the fight she'd had with James when they'd returned from Tuchanka; in turn, the redhead had shut herself up in the Life Support Control Room, refusing to come out even for daily meals. Shepard had put Garrus in charge of delivering rations to Melloria, knowing that a daily dose of the turian's imposing presence would serve to keep the woman from further antagonizing the rest of the crew.

_What did I get myself into? I should have listen to him…_

"I guess it's time we had a… chat," Zoe mumbled, grudgingly.

"Would you like me to call her up now, or…" the doctor offered, reading the reluctance in the young woman's face.

"Yeah, let's just get it over with."

Doctor Chakwas turned in her seat, busying herself with her omni-tool, while Shepard contemplated how likely it was that she'd fall flat on her face if she tried to stand without assistance. The gash in her side had quickly sealed itself, but the scar it left was tight and achy under her t-shirt. Somehow, she'd managed to convince the doctor to let her put on real clothes that morning, which had been a struggle all on its own.

After losing Mordin, having Mel break the last straw of her patience, and drunkenly kissing the lieutenant, Zoe was quickly becoming overwhelmed — drowning up to her ears in a tsunami of despondency. She'd been so bad off after Tuchanka, that she'd actually had to send a ground team off without her to infiltrate a Cerberus base. If she hadn't been so sedated by pain killers, the ordeal might have finally done her in. If there was anything she hated, it was having to sit out of a fight; It reminded her of being locked up, and she didn't like it one bit. Poor Doctor Chakwas had bore the brunt of her frustration, so Shepard made a mental note to buy the patient woman another bottle of brandy for her troubles.

On top everything else that had gone down, the commander had one more nagging worry surfacing to the forefront of her mind. Something had been going on between James and Liara since the day she'd sparred with him in the shuttle bay. Rumors were flying that the two were sneaking around, disappearing into the asari woman's room at all hours of the day and night.

_It would be just my luck… finally get the courage to send Mel packing, and the lieutenant decides to mess around with one of my best friends. Should have seen this coming, Shepard… he wasn't going to wait for you forever._

Chakwas mercifully interrupted her internal dialogue, "Commander, I can't seem to reach her. It's as if she's cut off her comm line completely."

"Melloria has left the ship, Shepard. She somehow managed to escape by way of one of the emergency evacuation pods, without my knowledge," EDI's voice flooded in overhead, a hint of panic laced in her normally monotone voice, "I'm sorry, Commander. I'm not entirely sure how she was able to slip out undetected."

"You're losing your touch, EDI," Joker teased the AI, "Commander, from what we can tell, she hasn't been gone long, an hour at the most. We activated the locator on the pod, and we're working on pinpointing her location now."

"I don't understand, why would she leave without telling me?" Zoe took a chance on her legs, hoping off the bed with only minimal swaying and dizziness.

"Perhaps you should speak with Doctor T'soni and Lieutenant Vega. I think they may have some information you'll find _very_ enlightening," the AI suggested with a baiting tone.

"Thanks EDI. Let me know if you get a drop on that escape pod," the commander shook her legs and rolled her shoulders back, slinging the tightness from her body as she considered the situation.

"You don't seem particularly concerned about her sudden disappearance," Karin pointed out, curiously.

"I was going to kick her off the ship, anyway," Shepard shrugged as if the admission was no surprise, even though she was having a hard time grasping the idea herself, "She just made my job that much easier."

"Not exactly the happily ever after you were hoping for, I take it?" the doctor was wise, indeed.

"Not exactly. I just wanted to so much to think that things could go back to how they were before she… well, before I thought she was dead. But, then I started remembering that things had never been all sunshine and rainbows with us. I know I repressed it, but I can't figure out why, or how," Zoe drug a hand slowly down her face, inhaling and blowing the breath out again loudly, through pursed lips.

"Post traumatic stress disorder works differently in every case I've ever encountered. Some victims experience movie-like flash backs, others have vivid night terrors, and some are wrought with paralyzing guilt over the things they've endured. In almost every instance, certain memories become repressed over time, as the body's way of protecting itself from the strain of the symptoms. In your case, I believe you've suffered from all of those things, have you not?" Chakwas didn't wait for the commander to reply, since she obviously already knew the answer, "And, in turn, your mind chose to bury the things you saw as negative about your time with Melloria, because you felt like her death was your fault. Am I on to something, here?"

"I thought you weren't a psychologist?" Shepard cocked an amused eyebrow.

"I'm not… What I _am_ is an old woman who's seen a lot in her time — almost as much as you have," the doctor gave a cheeky grin, "And another thing, Shepard… you deserve better. I may not have known you as a young lady, but you don't deserve what she's put you through these past few weeks, and you didn't deserve it then. I hope you know that."

If she was being honest, Zoe hadn't even had much of a chance to reflect on the memories that had surfaced since Mel's arrival. She could vaguely recall feeling weak and helpless in the clutches of the volatile woman. It hadn't started out that way, though. Melloria had been so sweet and caring at first. She'd shower Shepard countless gifts and on the rare occasions that they were awarded time off from their duties, Mel would make a show of taking her out on the town. They'd dined at the most expensive restaurants, drove in the fanciest skycars, and the young soldier was bathed in an extravagance that was, at times, overwhelming.

Growing up in East Harlem, in a life of poverty, had led Zoe down a rough, dangerous road. From an early age, she'd been bounced unceremoniously from one foster home to the next — too old to be a realistic candidate for adoption, too young to set out on her own. The constant reminders from her numerous foster parents that she wasn't cute enough, or little enough to ever be picked out of the throng of abandoned children only made her more rebellious as the years passed by.

_'No one wants a preteen mestizo, niña,'_ her abuela's words echoed in her mind, sympathetic but harsh in their honesty, _'People want cute little bebés. You were too old when they dropped you off, and you're only getting older. Best now to be happy with what you have, princesa.'_

The words, though well-meaning and painfully true, had done nothing to quell her turbulent spirit. Shepard had few memories of the couple that had abandoned her at the age of seven. The small bits she had retained were reduced primarily to lonely nights spent in seclusion, waiting for the wealthy pair to return from this gala or that banquet — never a care in the world as to the risk of leaving such a small child alone to her own devices.

Zoe had grown bitter, as she reached her teen years, the loneliness permeating its way to her very soul, to the point where she'd sought acceptance in any form she could find it. She'd walked the path of a thief, drug pusher, an addict, and even, for a short time, a follower of the most ruthless gang in the district. It had been the gang that had driven her into the sanctuary of the military, and the eager arms of Melloria. As much as she wanted to pretend she was hardened and apathetic to the world, the things the gang had wanted her to do were beyond her capabilities. She was strong, even in her childhood, but Zoe drew the line when they directed her to start hurting innocent people in order to become a full-fledged member. The whole ordeal had proved to her, indefinitely, that she was still just that scared little girl that craved love and protection over mere approval.

"Commander?" Chakwas' concerned tone snapped her back to reality — she hadn't even realized how deep into thought she had plummeted.

"Sorry, I was just… reminiscing," Shepard shook her head quickly, forcing the flashbacks aside, "If you'll clear me to leave, I should go visit with James and Liara, see what it is that EDI thinks is so enlightening."

The doctor nodded in compliance, "You're cleared, Commander, just take it slow. No more heavy melee with brutes for a time, if you will."

"Hm, I'm not sure I can make that deal, doc," the commander grinned smugly.

Chakwas was quick, and equally tart with her reply, "Then, I'm afraid I can't sign off on your release, Shepard. Better get comfortable, you'll be here indefinitely until I'm _positive_ you're ready for action."

"Okay, okay, doctor's orders, I get it," Zoe threw her hands up in surrender, "No more bashing Reapers in the face with my fists… for now. I think I can handle that stipulation."

"Good," the doctor nodded towards the door, "You're free to go, but I'll be watching you, Shepard."

"Okay, _mom_ ," the commander rolled her eyes as she passed through the door.

A welcome wave of happiness rushed over her — a sensation she hadn't felt in weeks, now — and she made her way quickly across the mess to Liara's quarters. As she trounced across the expanse, the commander was teeming with a mix of excitement and apprehension as she wondered what exactly it was they'd unearthed while she'd been bed ridden. If she knew Mel, it was something devious, and Shepard was fully aware she'd have to be on her toes. Another reunion with her former lover was on the horizon, and this event was sure to not be nearly as heartfelt as the one before it had been.


	16. Making Amends

"The Illusive Man?! You can't be serious," Shepard shook her head in disbelief, blinking her eyes rapidly to assure herself what she was reading on the console was real.

"I'm afraid so, Shepard," Liara's voice was tinged with remorse.

The commander turned her face away from the screen, suddenly feeling very sick in the pit of her stomach, "Why didn't you come to me with this earlier?"

"It took me more time than I'd anticipated to work out the cypher. When I ran the first check, I noticed some discrepancies in her history, but I wrote it off as bad record keeping on the Alliance's part," the young asari gazed at Shepard wearily, "I'm sorry, Shepard. I wanted so much for you to be happy, I'm afraid I let my emotions get in the way of my better judgement."

"It's alright, Liara. I know you meant well," Shepard sighed, bracing herself against the desk with both hands, "I need to know about the discrepancies in her background."

"Well, at first, there was nothing that sent up a red flag. It wasn't until I delved deeper, at the behest of the lieutenant, that I found something that was… problematic," if the asari had known the breathtaking grief that struck the commander at the use of that last word, she wouldn't have said it.

"Go on," Zoe was tired of beating around the bush now, and it resounded in her tone.

Liara reached around the other woman, tapping rapidly at the keyboard, "To begin with, she was, in fact, in a coma after the incident on Akuze. When I read that, I sort of… stopped probing in that area. I decided it was best to leave the details a mystery. I… didn't really want to know."

"I can't blame you. It was brutal," the commander admitted.

"Anyway, after the lieutenant came by that day, I felt guilty for not trying harder to make sure you weren't in any danger. So, I looked into the medical reports. It seems she woke up for a brief period of time, and requested that no one aside from her parents would be made aware of her condition," Liara's azure eyes drifted warily to Shepard's, "After that, she slipped into unconsciousness, and she stayed that way… for five years."

"And now, she's working for Cerberus… Wait! Only five years?" Zoe stepped back from the terminal abruptly, "She said she'd only been awake for _one_ year… Why would she lie? What the hell has she been doing all this time? How the hell did you miss that, Liara? That's a pretty big detail to overlook."

"I didn't overlook it, Shepard. It was _erased_ from the official records. Someone went through great pains to keep her revival a secret, and as I told the lieutenant, she's very good at covering her tracks," Liara crossed her arms, rubbing at her biceps as if she were cold.

"Where is James, anyway?" Zoe eyed her, trying unsuccessfully to hide her suspicion, "I've heard you two have been spending a lot of time together."

"You heard… It's nothing like that, Shepard, I assure you. We've only been working together to try to piece together this information," Liara shook her head quickly, obviously put out by the implication, "Are people saying…? Goddess, I would never…"

"Calm down, Liara, I believe you," the commander placed a hand on the asari's shoulder to pacify her, "I just had to ask."

"Of course. I suppose he's down in the shuttle bay. He… didn't particularly want to be here when we talked about this," the doctor confessed.

Shepard felt her heart sink to her knees and she knew it was past time to have a conversation with him. They hadn't talked much since the aftermath of Tuchanka, but every time he did show up, the silences that spread between them were strained and awkward. She wasn't entirely sure if the reason was the spontaneous, morphine-laced kiss, or because he was struggling to keep this information to himself until the asari doctor had sorted it all out. Either way, ultimately, it was her fault that it'd come to this; the commander was painfully aware of that, and she would take it upon herself to rectify their friendship, if it was the last thing she did.

"Thanks for the information, Liara. Forward everything you found to Hackett; he needs to know about this. And keep digging, see if you can find anything else. We'll need all the intel we can get if we're going to be ready the next time she shows up… and she _will_ show up again," it felt so strange to say those words, so callously, about someone she'd once cared for so deeply.

It didn't matter, though. She had a hole in her heart, it was true, but it was a hole that could easily be filled given the time and chance to make things right. She felt so entirely cleansed and pure that it was as if the fact that Melloria had totally betrayed her couldn't even phase the commander. With a surge of conviction pulsing through her, she turned and marched out of the exit, towards the elevator, a new sense of purpose blossoming in her soul.

A few minutes later, the doors of the lift slid open into the shuttle bay, and with the rush of cool air that hit her, Shepard could feel her usual confident nature sliding back into place. With Mel gone for real now, she finally felt like herself again, poised and ready to strike at whatever adversity she might be faced with from there on out. James stood at his workbench across the bay, cleaning his guns, and if he wasn't oblivious to her presence, he sure was acting like it.

"Hey, stranger," Shepard slipped around the side of the alcove, sliding a hand casually across the lieutenant's firm shoulder blade, "Long time, no see."

"I just saw you yesterday, Commander," he avoided her gaze as he kept his focus planted soberly on the workbench in front of him.

She pulled her hand away, sadness pooling in her gut, "Look, I know I'm not exactly in your good graces right now. You probably really want to tell me 'I told you so', but I came down here to apologize."

When he finally spoke, his tone was achingly detached, "Nothin' to apologize for, ma'am. I'm guessing you talked to Liara?"

"James, don't 'ma'am' me. Please, I'm serious. I know what I did was stupid, I put the whole ship at risk — and I don't feel good about it, believe me. But the thing that hurts the most isn't being stabbed in the back by someone I wanted so badly to trust," she hesitated, mulling over her next words for a second before setting them free, "What hurts the most is knowing I almost lost what _we_ had in the process."

That confession seemed to shake him back to life, but he still wouldn't turn to face her. The lieutenant could be almost as hard-headed as she was sometimes, and this instance was proving to be no different.

"I know what you mean, Commander," his reply came simply, falling flat at her feet.

Shepard exhaled heavily, swiping one hand across her forehead to smooth back the lose hairs that had fallen from her braid, "Don't do this, James. I'm here now, and I'm begging you, can we please just be friends again… like we were before this all started? I _need_ us to get back to that place if I'm going to get through this in one piece."

"Tell me what happened on Akuze," it was an obvious challenge, to see just how serious she was about making amends and restoring their dynamic.

With a defeated sigh, she nodded, "Fine, just give some time to take a shower. I've got to get the smell of antiseptic out of my hair. I'll call you up when I'm through. But you have to do one thing first."

"What's that?" he turned his head a bit, but his eyes stayed glued to his work.

Her words came out, not as a demand, but as an appeal, "Look at me?"

He finally raised his gaze to hers, slowly at first, but when her face lit up with an infectious smile, he couldn't help but mirror it, a chuckle even managing to edge its way out of his throat. There was no way he could have stayed mad at her, not with the way she was looking at him, the way her face seemed to shimmer with relief when he'd locked eyes with her. Tension had piled up so thickly between them in the past few weeks that he could have sliced right through it with an omni-blade. But, in that moment, it all seemed to dissolve and puddle to the floor.

"My room, in an hour, Lieutenant?" she cocked her head to the side, coyly, a teasing light sparkling in her silvery irises.

"I'll be there… _Lola_ ," he threw her a wink, and with that, she trounced delightedly out of the bay, on the way to her quarters.

The hour was a long one. It felt to James like he'd been waiting ages to get her alone, really alone, long enough to sort out whatever was going on between them. It wouldn't be an easy conversation, especially since he'd brought up Akuze, and she seemed definitively willing to spill the truth at last. When he stepped out of the elevator and approached the door of her cabin, he could already hear the gentle thrumming of music lilting through the air. He pressed the button to alert her of his presence, and a moment later her voice came softly calling for him to enter. When he stepped into the room, the track skipped to a new song, and the lyrics that floated into his ears sent a sensual shiver down his spine.

_Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets… and little man, little Lola wants you…_

"I didn't do that on purpose, I swear," she called from the corner, "I was listening to a mix. It just kind of happened."

_Make up your mind to have… no regrets… Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through…_

"Funny coincidence, _Lola_ ," he smirked, searching the room with interest, finally seeing it in all its glory now that it was fully lit, as he made his way down the small set of stairs to join her.

_I always get what I aim for… and your heart and soul is what I came for…_

"Don't get any ideas, Jimmy."

She was biting her bottom lip when he turned the corner, one leg tucked under her, the other planted on the top of the coffee table. Her arms were slung casually across the back of the sofa, and right then she looked freer than she had since the first time she'd stepped foot back onto the battlefield. It was, without a doubt, one of the most enticing things he'd ever laid eyes on. He thought she'd be a lot more broken up over the news about Melloria, but instead it seemed as if a weight had lifted off her. She appeared lighter and more carefree than he'd ever known her to be.

"You gonna do some sitting, or are you just gonna stand there and size me up all night?" her words echoed one of the first sentences she'd ever spoken to him.

"Sorry, Commander, you're just… not exactly what I expected," he grinned knowingly, and joined her on the opposite side of the couch.

"Oh yeah? What's throwing you off, Lieutenant?" her tongue darted out and slid quickly across her plump lower lip, making it glisten alluringly.

"Well, for one thing, those killer curves of yours, hermosa," James hadn't meant to be so bold, but her playful attitude was drawing it out of him in waves.

"That's not what you said!" Shepard nudged at his knee with her booted foot, "You said something about my hair, remember?"

"Yeah, I _said_ something about your hair, but I was _thinkin_ ' about your hips," he reclined back into the soft leather cushions and crossed his arms, a sultry gleam in his mocha colored eyes.

Zoe shook her head dazedly, "You're such a tease, Vega."

The lieutenant made the quick decision to turn the conversation in a different direction, lest he say something else that might come off as a little too forward, "So, this is what I have to look forward to when I get my own command?"

"You want your own ship, James?" her mouth said, but her mind thought, _Take mine, see how long that dream stays alive…_

"Maybe one day, when I'm old and I can't fight worth shit anymore," he was clearly trying to get under her skin now.

"You just come up here to make fun of me, Lieutenant?" she curled her other leg under her and turned towards him, her smile never faltering.

"Nah, I still wanna hear about Akuze, but I've got some news of my own, too."

"How about a drink first?" Shepard offered, plucking a bottle of high end whiskey and a couple of glasses from the table.

He accepted the glass, glad to have something to calm his nerves before proceeding, "I, uh, got a message earlier today from Alliance command. Even in all the shit that's going on… somebody, somewhere managed to track me down and forward an N7 commendation. It's dated the same day the Reapers attacked Earth."

"Congratulations?" her brow knit in curiosity at his less than impressed tone, "You don't seem thrilled."

"Well, aside from the fact there won't even be an N7 program if we don't win this war, I just…" he paused and let out a breath, "Being a soldier's the only thing I've ever been really good at. And not 'cause I try. Hell, I'd've kicked my ass out years ago. Last time I had a command, I lost almost everyone. And they promoted me for it. I guess I'm just not sure if I'm ready to lead again. I don't know if I want that responsibility."

"I know how that feels, James. After Akuze — all the praise for what I saw as the worst failure of my career…" she dropped her gaze to the floor, not ready to tread on that thin ice quite yet, "But, you mentioned that before. What went wrong?"

Now was as good a time as any to give her the info she'd been digging for this whole time. It was only fair if he planned on sticking to his guns and making her spill the truth about Akuze.

"What didn't go wrong?" he expelled a heavy sigh and rubbed at his forehead with one hand, "We were out on patrol, checking on some strange readings. Then the Collectors hit. But they hit the colony first. By the time we got back, most of the colonists had been subdued or abducted, including our CO, Captain Toni."

"So you were in charge," she didn't know what else to say, so she stated what was painfully obvious.

His features twisted with regret, "Yeah. We laid low for a bit, wait for a chance to strike, but before we could, we were betrayed. One of the colonists turned out to be a Cerberus spy working with the Collectors. I had no choice. I killed him, and destroyed the Collector ship. It got ugly. We lost most of the colonists, and all but one of my squad. Not exactly a textbook operation."

"You can't blame yourself for being put in a tough situation. And if you were promoted, something must've gone right," the words surprised her — she had had the same mindset after Akuze, and she would have laughed in someones face if they'd try to tell her the same.

"Sure, but…"

She cut him off, "If you'd saved them all, would things have worked out better?"

"I… I don't know. I don't think so," there she went, asking the tough questions again.

She hit him with a hard truth, "The right choice is usually not the easy one."

"Yeah," he knew she was right, but still, it was hard to face, "Did you know that before you joined the N7?"

"Yeah… that's why I was asked. And it's why they asked you. There's not a single N7 that hasn't sacrificed, either themselves or their soldiers, at some point."

"So, you think I should accept?"

"Assuming we survive this, that's a no-brainer. You're a damn good soldier, Vega. Don't waste that opportunity."

"I'll think about it. Seriously," a weight seemed to have lifted from him, but he had one more request, "If you don't mind, maybe don't mention this to anyone else."

"Of course not," it was an odd thing to ask, but not something she'd have difficulty with.

"Gracias," the lieutenant nodded in thanks, "Alright, well, it's your turn, Lola."

She visibly tensed, clutching her glass so hard that her knuckles went white, "James, I… I'm still not sure I'm ready for that…"

"We had a deal, Shepard," he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, "You can't keep it buried in there forever. Have you ever told _anyone_ about what happened?"

Shepard sucked in a breath sharply, and reclined her head back against the sofa, "No… not exactly. But, you have to understand, James… I've been through hell and back since I started fighting the Reapers, and _that_ is still the one thing from my past that haunts me the most."

As much as he wanted to, he wouldn't pressure her, so instead he asked her something else that had been weighing on his mind, "Are you still having nightmares?"

"Every night…"

"You gonna start comin' to talk to me about them, again?"

"If you'll have me…"

"I never wanted it any other way, Lola," he edged a bit closer to her, noticing that sometime along the way the music had stopped and they were sitting in peaceful silence, "Look, Shepard, I'm sorry about how I was with Mel, but I want you to know I don't blame you either… for anything."

"You blame me a little," she pulled her head up and cast him a deliberate glance.

"Not in the slightest."

"About Fehl?"

"What? No! How could you think that? We didn't even know each other," the lieutenant looked utterly appalled at the suggestion, but she could read the fallacy in his eyes.

" _You_ knew _me_ , though. And I gather, from the way Anderson made it seem, you thought pretty highly of me. It couldn't have been long after the attack on Fehl that we took out the Collectors. I'm not ignorant enough to think that my actions don't have a far reaching effect at times. And one of the many things that keeps me awake at night, keeps me fighting for the cause, is knowing that one day, that ripple will be one of peace, instead of turmoil," she was rambling, and trying hard not to sound too preachy, but the war veteran inside her was taking over.

"Shepard, you had no way of knowing how hard Fehl hit me. I mean, yeah, I was a little bitter about it for a while, but I got over it."

"You're right, I had no way of knowing, but I do know now that afterwards you crawled into a hole on Omega and drank yourself into a stupor every night of the week," she scooted toward him, to the point that her knee was almost touching his.

The closeness and the liquor were making his head feel fuzzy, but he willed himself to concentrate his focus on the conversation, "How'd you know that?"

"Aria, of course. How else?" Shepard shrugged nonchalantly.

He grinned again, intrigued by what her words had indicated, "You asked Aria about me?"

"She knows everything that goes on on Omega. She told me that you were the one that Anderson had me ask after. I had to make sure I didn't have some kind of crazy psycho on my ship, so I talked her into giving me some intel on my new recruit," she pursed her full lips, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Oh, you mean like some kind of crazy redhead psycho back from the dead?" he slyly twisted Zoe's words back on her, and she swung out her arm, slugging him hard on the shoulder.

Regardless of the stinging in his bicep, she was laughing now and that was any even better sign than any before it, "You're an asshole, Vega."

"Come on, Lola, you know you love it," he sat back again, a look of smug satisfaction painted on his bronzy features.

Shepard's gaze trailed slowly up and down his form, a flicker of seduction glinting in her sterling eyes, " _Yep_ … I really do."

The lieutenant cleared his throat, suddenly feeling very flustered. If he'd had any doubt about it before, that comment had cemented it. She was coming onto him in a big way, not being shy about it in the least. As much as he wanted to simply spring forth and take her right then, he was wary of the fact that this was happening so soon after Mel's deception was uncovered. Was this some kind of rebound thing? James didn't think that Shepard was the kind of woman to have a fling, but he also wasn't the kind of man that would allow himself to be someone's second choice. If she wanted this as much as it seemed like she did, he was going to make sure she was positive about it first, and that meant stopping this night before things could go any further from there.

"Well, Lola, if you're sure you don't wanna tell me about Akuze, then I think I'm gonna get back to the hangar," he sat down his glass and stood to leave, "Things are just a little too soft for me here."

"The bed's a lot harder than it looks…" she let it slip before she could stop it, the words not having the meaning he probably thought they did.

He turned back to her and flashed one of his heart-stopping grins, "You flirtin' with me, Lola?"

She could feel her cheeks flush with heat and her mouth dropped open, hesitant to speak for fear of what new verbal blunders she might emit.

"Just messin' with you, I'm going," he took a few steps back and added, "Thanks again, for the N7 advice… for… all of it."

"Any time, Lieutenant," Shepard smiled again, waving as he spun around and headed towards the door, "And… same to you."

"Any time, Lola," with that, he disappeared, leaving Zoe with a ridiculous amount of new information complicating her thoughts.

So far, just today, she'd gotten out of the med bay; Mel had abandoned the Normandy by somehow bypassing EDI's radar; Shepard had finally convinced herself that she was better off without the renegade redhead; and on top of it all, she had flirted pretty openly with the lieutenant just then. It occurred to her that she'd not yet told him that she'd been dishonest about her orientation when they'd first met and made a mental note to rectify that. There was no doubt in her mind that he already knew, but it would at least make her feel a little better to tell the truth after all this time.

Yet, he was obviously thrown off by her advances. The way he'd rushed out after she'd made that last flirtatious comment, it was clear that he still wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of them. She couldn't blame him, of course. In Zoe's defense, lieutenant/commander relationships weren't unheard of and there were loopholes in the regs, ways to get around them. Not to mention the fact that he had tried to kiss her on more than one occasion. But, it was becoming excruciatingly clear that Vega was just as confused and unsure about where to go from here as she was.

Shepard downed the last gulp of her whiskey and placed the glass gently onto the coffee table before pushing herself off the couch to settle into bed. Her shelves were painfully bare, and she hated the thought of having to read a story from a data pad. She missed the feel and smell of her paperbacks more than anything else that had been lost on Earth. As far as she knew, they'd all been lost when Alliance Headquarters had gone down. With a forlorn sigh, she pealed off her cargo pants and slid into bed, letting the gentle hum of the ship around her lull her into a not so peaceful sleep.


	17. Breaking Point

The next morning, Shepard strode onto the bridge and right into trouble. There was something fishy happening on the Citadel, and when Thane's voice came in over the comm he sounded panicked and short of breath. Zoe's heart clenched at the sound of it. The commander had always had a soft spot for the drell, who'd seemed to care so deeply for her almost from the moment they met. She tried her best to ignore her worry, pulling her focus to the intel he was giving her.

"Shepard, the Citadel is under attack. Cerberus troops are everywhere and they're in control of the docks."

"Are you safe?" it was impossible to hide the fear in her voice after that information.

"No," Zoe's stomach dropped at the word, "I had to evade their commandos at the hospital. I'm in a Presidium storefront.

She clenched her jaw anxiously, terrified of what the answer to her next question may be, "Did Ashley make it out?"

"We got separated. She said she had to protect the Council. I'm on my way to C-Sec headquarters."

"Why there?"

"It's been compromised and C-Sec response depends on it. As long as Cerberus is holding the headquarters, they have the station."

"Alright. Thane, one more question. Have you seen a tall, redheaded woman there with Cerberus?"

"No, why do you ask, Siha?"

"Don't worry about it. But, if you do see someone matching that description, keep her in your sights until I get there."

"Understood."

"Okay, Joker, get us away from the docks and as close to C-Sec HQ as you can. I'll send word to Cortez to prepare the shuttle. EDI, have Garrus and James meet me in the hangar, and tell them to be prepared for the fight of a life time."

She picked up her pace when she crossed into the CIC, jogging towards the elevator, and bouncing on her toes as she waited for the doors to allow her entry to the shuttle bay. This would be her first fight since Tuchanka and she was ecstatic to have her old team back; to not have to fret over high-strung individuals that couldn't keep their head in the game. When she stepped into the hangar, Garrus was leaned against the armor lockers as James was beginning to get suited up.

"Hey, Shepard," the turian tilted his head back in greeting, "Glad you're going to be joining us for this one."

"Me too," the commander let out a breath of relief, "I thought I was gonna go crazy when I had to set you guys lose on that Cerberus base without me. I'm _dying_ for some action."

"Is that so? James, you wanna take that one?" Garrus turned a mischievous gaze on the lieutenant.

"No way, man. Not gonna go there," Vega chuckled throatily, leaning down to pull on his greaves.

"Oh, shut up, you two," Zoe rolled her eyes and stepped up next to James.

When she yanked her locker open, she expected to see the basic N7 armor that she'd ordered to replace her busted up set. She hadn't had a chance to redo the custom paint job yet, and the thought that she wouldn't be riding to battle in style perturbed her a bit. But, when she pulled out the chest plate, her eyes lit up at the sight of the familiar purple detailing that lined the edges of the pieces.

"It's been a while since I did something like that, and I didn't really have anything to go by, but I tried," James spoke up, his attention focused on attaching his own chest piece across his broad frame.

"You… painted my armor for me?" she ran her fingers over the amethyst streaks, a grin slipping gradually across her cheeks.

"Aww, how sweet," the turian drawled, "Some guys give their girls flowers and chocolates, some give them custom painted armor sets."

"Vakarian, I swear to god," Shepard sent her friend a death glare, but her smile didn't wane in the least.

"Sorry, sorry," he threw his clawed hands up in defense, and meandered off, chuckling to himself as he went.

"Thanks, James. This really means a lot to me," she grinned shyly at the lieutenant — a kind of expression he'd never seen her give before — and it sent his pulse racing.

"No problem, Lola," he smirked back at her, pulling his bracers from the locker and turning his attention back to the task at hand, lest she realize he was starting to blush.

She peeled off her cargo pants, pulling her jumpsuit from the locker and sliding it on over her long, slender legs. Vega was usually good about not trying to catch a glimpse of the process, but then again, she usually went somewhere else to do it. The way her toes pointed and her calf muscles flexed as she slid her feet into the legs of the under-armor reminded him of the ballet dancers his little cousin used to make him watch on the vids when he was a teenager.

While her legs were bare, he could catch a better glimpse of the tattoos on her outer thighs as well. The left side, he couldn't really make out from his current line of sight. The right, however, was decorated with an intricate pattern of swirling black branches, dotted with tiny, bright red flowers, the only splash of color present in the elaborate design. Of their own volition, his eyes slid further up her profile, as the she pulled the jumpsuit into place.

Just before they were hidden away, he caught a glimpse of her dark purple underwear, and stifled a chuckle when he noticed the color. She loved purple, it was ridiculously obvious; From her hair, to her armor, even down to her lingerie, everything was a bright shade of amaranthine. The underwear, themselves, weren't the delicate piece of fabric he was used to seeing on women of her physical caliber. They were more like shorts than anything and there was no denying that as much of a woman as she was, she was tomboy through and through. After all that time, she finally made it apparent that she knew he'd been staring as she zipped up her suit.

"Get a good look, Lieutenant?" she glanced sidelong at him with a teasing wink, obviously not the least bit upset that she'd caught him in the act.

"I, uh… I was just… I didn't—" he stammered, fumbling with the clasps on his bracers distractedly.

"It's okay," she turned to James with a light laugh and pulled his arm towards her, her fingers skillfully sliding the buckles into place for him, "There. You're all set."

"Thanks, Commander," he bit the inside of his lip, knowing she must be well aware of the redness of his cheeks now that she was gazing up at him, so close he could smell her intoxicating aroma, "Nice tats, by the way."

"I'm surprised you noticed," her teeth glinted between her full lips as her smile widened considerably, "I thought you might be looking at something else."

"Shepard! Shuttle's almost ready to deploy!" Cortez called from across the way, effectively bringing her back to command mode.

"Shit," she cursed herself for letting her hormones become an unneeded diversion, "Lieutenant, can you grab my greaves and boots while I get this godforsaken chest piece on?"

"Sure thing, Lola."

Together, they managed to get her composed just in time for Steve to inform them they were ready for the drop. Something about helping Shepard suit up had been intensely intimate. After that experience, James knew, as he boarded the shuttle behind her, that he was going to have to swallow his pride, and his anxiety, long enough to see where she could take him. He wanted her, every part of her, and if Shepard was as serious about it as he thought she made out like she was, he was in — Alliance officials and regulations be damned.

* * *

"Shepard! When I saw those Cerberus troops on you, I thought you were done for," Commander Bailey chuckled through gasps of pain, as the commander and her crew jogged up to him.

"Come on, Bailey, you know I don't go down that easily," she knelt down to his level, lifting his arm to get a look at his wound before applying a dose of medi-gel and leaning back on her heels, "What are you doing down here?"

"Getting my ass shot off trying to retake headquarters. Cerberus took it in the first push," he clenched his teeth and sucked in a breath, "We gotta kick them outta there. Everyone in C-Sec's flyin' blind without the network."

"What about the Councilors? Did the lieutenant commander make it to them alright?" Garrus spoke up from behind.

"They split up. I'll know more if I can get to the terminal inside," the injured man grabbed onto the arm that Shepard offered him, and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet.

The commander clutched Bailey's shoulder to steady him, "Can you get us in there?"

"Yeah, I'll get the door… if no one interrupts me with a bullet this time," he let out another strained laugh as he turned to work on the controls.

In no time, they were headed into the main office of C-Sec and Bailey was in front of the terminal, hastily relaying whatever intel he could find to Shepard. James scanned the scene in front of him; the place was a mess, a shell of the pristine establishment it had once been. Bullet holes riddled the walls, papers were scattered all about the floor, and it was a miracle the console had made it through unscathed. The two commanders finished their conversation, Zoe radioed in to check on Thane's condition, and then they were off again.

The lieutenant had noticed the difference is Shepard right away. She was back to her usual laughter, whooping and hollering with glee every time she took out one of the troopers that scattered about like rats running for higher ground. The three squad mates were all taking part in Shepard's kill count game now, with Garrus several head shots above the two humans, and James trailing close behind.

"What's the deal, Shepard? I think you're losing your touch," the turian heckled her, as he launched another shot into a Cerberus cranium.

"Nah, I just figured letting one of you guys win for once would be good for your morale," she shouted back, whipping around to confront an engineer that was trying unsuccessfully to sneak up on her.

With James' brawn, Zoe's speed matched with her powerful biotics, and Garrus' keen eyes, the team was an unstoppable force. They made their way through the facility as fast as possible, but even though she knew they were in a hurry to reach the Council, Shepard insisted on checking each fallen C-Sec officer for signs of life. There were so many of them, but Zoe was quick in her work, and she'd often let out heavy sighs of sadness, taking on each new death as her own personal failure.

James watched her stoop to take the pulse and feel for breath of a young blonde girl who looked to be about his age, considering how someone like the commander — after everything she'd endured over the years — had no reason to be as compassionate as she was. Anyone else would have been jaded and apathetic by now. Not Shepard, though, she held on to hope regardless of the level of adversity that threatened her at every turn.

When they finally reached the executor's office, it looked as if they were too late. However, there was no sign of the salarian counselor among the dead. Shepard cursed herself internally for dawdling before radioing in to Bailey to inform him of their progress. As she was speaking to the older man, Garrus trudged over to the large bay window overlooking the room below.

"Shepard," the turian motioned for her to join him, "Look… see that?"

She narrowed her eyes, scanning the area, and finally settled in on what Garrus was indicating. A chair rolled mysterious away from one of the long tables, and from underneath it, a ghostly figure appeared, glimmering blue for a moment before shifting to revealing itself.

"Bailey, we found the counselor! He looks unharmed," she started towards the door, but something else caught her eye before she had a chance to retreat.

"Good. Get him somewhere safe," Bailey ordered, as, in the distance, the crew watched a strange, unfamiliar figure drop from the rafters above the Salarian and into his path of escape.

"Who the hell is that?" James knit his brow, stepping forward to get a better look.

"How 'bout we go ask him?" Shepard lifted her gun in one hand, and, covering her eyes with the other, she shot through the pane of glass and vaulted over the edge, letting a flair of biotics float her slowly to the ground below.

"Sure wish we could do that…" Garrus grumbled, "Guess we'll have to take the door."

The lieutenant followed his turian comrade out and down the stairs to join the ensuing standoff. The counselor was saying something about Udina that the two didn't quite catch. They sprinted up behind Shepard and drew their guns on the black-clad figure.

Zoe chuckled maliciously, a smug grin spreading across her lips, "Three against one, pal. Just give it up while you still have your head. It's over."

The man's voice came as a low, growling threat, as if he thought he'd already won, "No, now it's fun."

The group carefully edged forward as the phantom gathered an orb of energy into the palm of his outstretched hand. James could tell Shepard was mentally searching for the best way to advance, but before she had a chance, their came the sound of a gun being cocked, and another presence filled the space behind the dark figure as if materializing from thin air. Thane was quick, but their new enemy was quicker. He ducked and dodged the drell's assault, flipping out of the way and shrouding himself, dissolving out of sight right before their eyes. Shepard slung the Counselor out of harms way, leaving him in the care of her squad mates before making a move to join Thane's skirmish.

In a flash, the man was on the drell again, rushing around the tables, skirting the bullets that few at his head with infuriating ease. The man charged at Thane, sword drawn, throwing lightening quick blows in all directions, but for all the pain the alien clearly was in, he was still able to duck and swerve from every one of them. Shepard felt her heart race with fear for her friend, unable for the life of her to get a lock on the ninja-like movements of the phantom. Just when it looked as if the enemy had the upper hand, Thane blasted him backwards with a powerful surge of energy, sending him sprawling across the floor.

The drell immediately took the opening, snatching his gun from the ground and advancing on the fallen man, but a second later, the assassin jumped back to his feet as if the devastating blow hadn't even made a dent. Shepard squared him up in her sights, and was about to pull the trigger, when the two men charged each other. Thane leapt through the air, bringing a crushing blow down towards the phantom's head. At the same time, the long blade wrenched upwards, and as it sheathed itself in the drell's, the commander let out a loud, angry cry of rage.

The elusive figure spun on his toes and sprang forth in the opposite direction, bounding over the railing and disappearing out of sight once again. Shepard spat a curse and a command for her squad to stay with the Counselor, before tearing her attention away from her injured friend to pursue the fleeing specter. She scurried down the staircase, unloading her thermal clip haphazardly in his direction, as the door ahead jerked open just in time for him to make his escape. A shuttle arose before them, hovering in the distance, and the figure made a flying leap at it, landing with a loud clang on the roof, grinning wickedly at Zoe before the vehicle shot off and out of range.

"Goddammit!" the commander growled ferociously, but turned in dismay when she heard a pained groan rumble behind her.

Thane collapsed onto the ground, slumped against the door frame, clutching at his stomach in agony. Shepard nudged his arm down slightly to get a better look at the injury, but she could already see from the drell's expression that it was worse than even she had thought.

"How bad is it?" she searched his dark eyes, her own threatening to betray her with a rush of tears.

"I have time. Catch him," the drell ordered, but Zoe shook her head resolutely.

"I'm not leaving you like this, Thane!" she seethed through clenched teeth, the thought of one of her dearest friends dying without her there threatening to break her completely.

"You must, Siha! If this is how I die, I have died a fulfilled man, having fought by your side one final time," he clutched her hand tightly, "Now, go!"

Before she could protest further, Bailey's voice sounded in over the comm, "Shepard, what's the situation up there?"

Reluctantly, she stood, backing away from her fallen comrade, a vengeful surge of rage tearing through her very core, "Thane's badly injured. He needs medical assistance immediately. And I've got an assassin to take care of."

* * *

It had been, without a doubt, the wildest shuttle ride James had ever been a part of. Watching Shepard climb out of the open door and up to the roof to confront the assassin had practically made his heart leap out of his chest in terror. He wanted nothing more to yank her back inside by her leg and tell her she was being reckless, but that seemed entirely too much like something she would do. Besides, he had his hands full as it was, trying to take command of the wheel long enough to get the car back on track once she'd abandoned the controls in favor of pursuing the phantom.

The shuttle had spun out and dropped them roughly onto the Presidium, where Cerberus troops had already amassed in large numbers and were leaving the civilians fleeing for their lives. It appeared as if they weren't taking any prisoners. Bodies lay scattered everywhere, and they even had to watch as several innocent people were gunned down ahead of them before they had a chance to intervene. Shepard was taking it harder than the lieutenant had thought she would. She was fighting through the throng as viciously as ever, but her cheeks shone with moisture as tears streamed down her face. Her features were twisted with grief and bitterness, the torment over leaving Thane in such a dire state still raw and fueling her bloodlust. She barreled forward, like a rocket from a cannon, headlong into the troopers, taking heads off left and right, by any means necessary.

"I think you're winning, Shepard. You can leave a few for us now, you know," Garrus meant well, obviously trying to lighten her mood, but Shepard wasn't having it.

"Not now, Vakarian," she spat with an uncharacteristic venom in her tone, as she charged forth again, right into the path of a hauntingly familiar form.

The woman came sauntering forward from behind a cloud of smoke, her hips sashaying confidently as she tapped the barrel of her gun aloofly against her thigh. When the fog dissipated, Shepard took a step back, lowering her own gun only briefly, before cocking and lifting it again, firmly planting her sights on the figure ahead.

"Melloria," Shepard snarled, her lip turning up in disgust.

"Fancy meeting you, here, Commander," the redhead's smug grin sent Zoe's blood boiling, and she tightened her grip on her gun in anticipation, "Don't worry, babe. I'm not here to kill you. Just to slow you down a little bit."

"Get out of my way, Mel. I don't want to hurt you," Shepard took a few cautious steps forward, but the other woman refused to falter.

"Don't be ridiculous, Z. You couldn't pull that trigger on me, even if you wanted to," Mel scoffed, "Now, if there were some thresher maws around here, I'm sure you'd happily throw me to them… let someone else do the dirty work for you, am I right?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" the commander sneered, and behind her, her squad mates darted forward, taking up arms on either side of the threatening presence.

"You think I forgot how you _abandoned_ me on Akuze? How you left me to those things, let them rip me to shreds? All while you buried yourself in some stinking, dirty hole, and left me to die, like the fucking coward you are," with that, Mel raised her pistol on Zoe, a hateful glare burning in her emerald eyes.

"You told me to run! I was doing what you _ordered_ me to do! You're crazy, Mel. You're insane. You always have been!" Shepard's resolve was visibly waning, and when he noticed the desperation in her voice, the lieutenant sprang forward to her side.

"Don't let her get to you, Commander," he whispered forcefully, "She's just trying to break you again."

"Stay out of this, James," Zoe shot him a warning glance, then turned her attention back to the other woman, making a ballsy move that caused Vega to seize up with fear.

Shepard dropped her gun to her side, and stepped towards Melloria, so close that her chest plate thumped when it made contact with the barrel of the redhead's firearm. She pinned the woman with a stare so full of resentment and vengeance that it sent a shiver down the lieutenant's spine. He wanted to advance on them, take Melloria out then and there, but he could only stand frozen and watch, hoping that the commander knew what she was getting herself into.

"You know, Mel, it's funny," Shepard began in a flippant tone, "Back at Grissom Academy, I told you I was still the same person I was back then… but I was wrong. I'm so different. So different, the change is almost unbelievable. I'm not that little weakling that will bend to your will at the blink of an eye. I'm not that cowering soldier that would rather hide than fight. I blamed myself for so many years for letting you die, but the truth is, if I hadn't dug myself into that hole, the entire galaxy would have been lost to the Reapers years ago. And the reality of it all is that the world, _my_ world, was a better place without you in it. I accomplished things, without you there, that I never would have done if you'd survived and kept me under your thumb for the rest of my life. So, thank you, Mel."

"What? Thank me?" Melloria's face tightened in confusion, and James couldn't comprehend why she was just letting Shepard talk, "You call me the crazy one, and yet here you are standing right where I want you. You're _still_ under my thumb, Z. And you're _never_ going to claw your way out from under me."

"No, that's where your wrong," the corners of Zoe's lips curved upwards in a sly, knowing smile, "See, I don't think you'll kill me either. You _need_ me, O'Brien. You've always needed me, to make yourself feel powerful, and like you have some kind of control over _something_ in your life. Because you sure as hell don't have control over yourself."

"Shut up, you stupid bitch!" Mel snarled viciously, but her mannerisms were showing undoubted signs of hesitation, "I should have thrown you to those thresher maws, and been rid of you once and for all. You never did anything but drag me down."

"Wrong again, _babe_ ," Shepard spat back condescendingly, advancing in a flash of movement that took the redhead by complete surprise.

The commander gripped the other woman's wrist, yanking it back and knocking her gun away, before lunging at her, and shoving her own rifle into Mel's pale, slender throat. The taller girl let out a vehement growl of hostility, but Zoe didn't flinch as she continued her verbal assault.

"I built you up. I gave you what you needed to fuel your own ego. And the whole time I sat on the sidelines, suffering in silence. I was so afraid you'd leave me, the way my parents had, that I took it," the commander's teeth were bared and glinting like a snarling animal, rage teeming through her veins, turning her face a bright shade of red, "I let you ruin me, beat me down until I didn't know how to survive without you. And when you were gone, I was still so dependent on you that I didn't even realize that I should have been _relieved_."

Mel's voice was faltering as much as her courage, and her words spilled forth shakily from her quivering lips, "Fuck you! You're nothing but a sniveling coward."

"See, you keep calling me that… but I don't see any bullet holes in my body right now. You could have easily killed me, but you didn't. Why, Mel? You've spent your whole life trying to make me feel inferior, so why show mercy now?" Zoe's eyes were searching desperately for any hint of regret in her former lover's visage.

"Shepard, she said she was trying to slow you down, and you're playing right into her hand!" Garrus interjected.

"Yeah, Commander, just let me end the crazy bitch and be done with it," James sneered, impatient to see the redhead meet her end, for good this time.

"Stand down, Lieutenant. I'll take care of her," Shepard commanded, and without warning, a mighty wave of sapphire energy shot from her body, catching Melloria in its wake and sending her hurtling backwards.

She slammed hard into the wall on the far side of the expanse, her head jerking back and impacting against the concrete with a nauseating thwack. Her lifeless body slid to the ground, and she slumped there, nose and mouth trickling thick trails of fresh, hot blood. Shepard trudged towards her, her face a mask of tired indifference, as she nudged at Melloria's leg with her boot.

"I don't think she's dead, Commander," the lieutenant pointed out, approaching slowly from behind.

"No, she's not," the commander's voice was cold, and as drained of enthusiasm as the body that lay at her feet, "Let's go."

"But, shouldn't we finish her off?" James shouted after the commander's retreating form.

"Leave her, Lieutenant! We've got work to do," Shepard stormed off without another word, leaving the other two comrades shaking their heads in wonder as they did their best to keep up with the madness that was unfolding in front of them.


	18. The Voice Of Reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been neglecting to update lately. I am getting so much more response on FF with this, and AO3 is a little more difficult to format since I'm so unfamiliar with it, but I'm going to try to get to the point that I'm at over on FF today, if I have the time. I skipped through a big hunk of the game's story in this chapter, so you can just assume all the missions I didn't include went as normal.

The squad raced towards the elevators, arriving just in time to see the ninja-like assassin and a group of his minions disappear behind the doors. Garrus approached the other lift and tried to pry it open as James kept an eye on their backs and Shepard checked the thermal clip on her Mattock.

"Looks like they got the only working one," the turian grumbled, when he finally wrenched the doors apart.

"It's fine. I'll radio Bailey, he'll get it going," the commander cocked her gun and followed the two men into the shaft.

"Not so fast, princess," a voice, shaky with pain, called to their backs.

"Shit," Shepard spun around on her toes to see Melloria slumped against the entryway, gun raised and ready to fire.

"I told you we should have put her down when we had the chance," James grumbled, stepping to the commander's side, and drawing his shotgun.

"James, I swear to god, if you don't shut the fuck up," Shepard growled back, fed up with his snide comments while her brain and heart were going haywire inside her.

"Sorry, Commander," he clenched his jaw in frustration.

"Looks like I'm not the only one that's got someone under her thumb. You like being whipped, though, don't you, Muscles?" Melloria let out a low, wicked chuckle, wiping the blood from her chin as she struggled to take a few steps forward.

"Drop the gun, Mel," Zoe's finger tensed on the trigger of her rifle, "I don't want to kill you, I really don't. But I will."

Mel's features softened and twisted with sorrow, "Oh, Z… I'm so sorry. What… I don't know what I'm doing. What am I doing? What kind of person am I? I'm so horrible…"

The redhead slumped to her knees, sobs wracking her body, and Shepard felt her chest clench with sympathy. She took a cautious step towards the fallen woman, her brain screaming at her to stop, but her heart begging her to show mercy. The conflicted messages were clouding her sense of reason, and without thinking of anything other than the anguished regret of the words that swam in her ears, she reached out a hand to soothe her former lover.

The next few seconds escalated in a blur of noise and movement. Zoe was knocked away, forcefully, tumbling across the floor and landing with her back to the scene. There was a set of ear-piercing pistol blasts, followed by the booming of a shotgun — a loud, high-pitched scream, then a thud, and finally, the sound of a body crumpling to the ground, before everything went silent. Shepard shook the dizziness from her head, and pushed herself up to stand, turning anxiously to take in what had happened.

Melloria lay strewn upon the ground, a gapping shotgun wound in her shoulder, and a bloody knot on her head. The lieutenant was doubled over, grunting and groaning in anguish, crimson seeping out through a hole in the chest plate of his armor. She sprang towards him, sliding on her knees to his side, grabbing for a medi-gel and forcing his hand away to apply it to the lesion.

"What the hell happened?" Zoe gasped, her hands shaking as she tried hard not to hurt him while she worked.

"When you went down to _comfort_ her, she went for her gun," Garrus growled, obviously at his wits end over his friend's blatant refusal to take responsibility for her folly, "The lieutenant is quicker than I'd ever have thought, otherwise she would have had the drop on you, Shepard."

"Did… you kill her?" she finished her task and side-eyed the prostrate body behind them.

"I doubt it. But only because I knew you didn't want her dead," the turian said sharply, "Look, I hate to be that guy, but we've already wasted too much time. We need to get in that shaft, before it's too late."

"James, what were you thinking? Can you get up?" the commander hooked an arm around his waist and he nodded briefly, so she hefted him up.

"I was thinkin' you were about to get yourself killed, Lola," he forced a pained laugh, as she edged him towards the elevator opening, "I thought you had more sense than to fall for the pity card… again."

"I'm so sorry, James…" Zoe sniffled, fighting back a rush of tears that were threatening to break free, "I'm such an idiot."

"No, you're not," the lieutenant shook his head, tossing her with a pointed glance, "You've got too big a heart, is all."

She eased him down behind a power conduit, quickly radioing in to Bailey before turning her attention back to James, "What the hell would I do without you to keep my head on straight?"

"You'd have gotten your ass shot off back there, Commander," he chuckled again, gritting his teeth when the strain was too much.

"Don't ever do that again, you hear me? That's an order," she narrowed her eyes at him threateningly, righting herself and pulling her rifle as the lift shot off underneath them.

* * *

 How Shepard had managed to convince Ashley's stubborn ass to turn the gun away from their squad and onto Udina was still a mystery to the commander. She and the LC had never been on the best terms, but something in Zoe's desperate voice, her red-rimmed eyes, her pleading words, had pulled at the brunette's conscience and in the end she'd made the right call. Shooting the Counselor hadn't been easy for Ash; it was clear in her face when she'd requested to rejoin the Normandy. Her eyes had been dark and haunted, her stance stiff, and her usual snarky confidence drained within an inch of its life.

She was glad to have the LC back, but after everything she'd done, everything she'd lost on the Citadel, Shepard was suffering. Aside from Akuze, she couldn't easily recall a time in her life where she'd felt so much like she'd failed entirely. It didn't matter that the job was done, it didn't matter that they'd saved the other Counselors — all that mattered was that Thane was dead, James had gotten seriously injured protecting her, and she'd let Melloria get away with no more than a brow beating and a flesh wound.

They'd brought James to the Normandy, instead of Huerta, at the commander's behest. There hadn't been any sign of Melloria since the chaos had died down, and there was no way she was going to take a chance leaving him on the Citadel with the other woman still at large. Zoe slinked into the door of the med bay, still not quite ready to look into the face of the man who'd almost given his life for her. The lieutenant lay silently in the bed, his chest rising and falling slowly in time with the chirping of the monitors around him. His eyes were closed, his breathing soft and hypnotic, as she crossed over to take a seat at his side. Shepard sat carefully, attempting not to rouse him, and she studied his face with a furrowed brow, the agony of seeing him so vulnerable causing a lump to rise in her throat.

A tear slid down her face as she thought back to the incident, and she swiped it away furiously, maddened to her core by her own ignorant actions. She'd caused this, she was the reason he was laying here, hurt and in pain, and she hated herself for it. She'd thought it had hurt to lose Mel on Akuze, and even more to lose her again to Cerberus, but the idea of losing James because she couldn't force herself to take the necessary precautions to protect herself from her past — it was too much to wrap her head around.

Before she knew it, she was sobbing, small gasps shooting forth from her throat as she dropped her head to the edge of the bed and allowed the moisture to fall freely out of her eyes. She'd done well to keep a straight face, as Thane had slipped away from her, but the raw grief of his death, on top of the lieutenant's dire condition, was finally breaking down the adamantine flood gates of her soul. As she was allowing herself to be taken over by the crushing weight of it all, a hand came up to the back of her head and gently smoothed her hair down the nape of her neck.

"You okay, Lola?"

She jerked her head up to see his eyes trained on her, clouded with deep concern, "James! I didn't know you were awake."

"Well, I wasn't, until I heard you crying," he pulled his hand from her amethyst locks and settled it back down on his broad chest, throwing her one of his famous smirks, "You know, if someone had told me a year ago that one day I'd be taking a bullet for Commander Shepard, I would have laughed my ass into a coma."

"James, stop it," Shepard's face stayed stern and shrouded, "That was a stupid move. You could have died. I've told you before, I can't afford to lose a soldier like you. If you pull another suicidal play like that, we're gonna have a problem, do you understand me?"

The lieutenant's face scrunched in disbelief, " _I_ pulled a stupid move? I'm not the one that stepped up on a crazy bitch with a gun, am I?"

"I know what I did, Vega, and I'm not proud of it," Zoe shot back, "But I can handle myself. She wouldn't have had the upper hand for long."

"Yeah, I'm not so sure about that. Seems to me like she had the upper hand since the moment she stepped back into your life," he turned his head away, resentment sparking in his eyes, "I don't know if you realize this, Commander, but a soldier like me is a lot more expendable than an officer like you."

"No, you're not, James… not to me," Shepard's voice softened on the last words, the sentiment breathed out in a quiet whisper of desperation, "I need you here. I've lost too many people I care about already, I can't lose you too… especially not to my own stupidity."

"It's not that bad, Lola," he let the tensity drain slightly from his voice, "Chakwas said it'll barely leave a mark. I'll be on my feet in a couple days. It's not even as bad as what happened to you on Tuchanka."

The commander dropped her gaze to the floor, the shame that radiated from her aura almost palpable in the air, "Good. I don't know what I would have done if…"

"I hope you would have actually grown a backbone and killed her yourself."

"Dammit, Vakarian, I can't take this right now," Shepard squinted at the turian as he meandered into the room.

"With all due respect, Shepard, I'm through worrying about what you want. It's time someone laid it out bare for you — all the things you're telling yourself, you need to hear from someone else. That way maybe they'll finally sink into that hard head of yours," Garrus's subharmonics reverberated with irritation, "You almost lost one of our best men in a situation that could have been easily avoided. That person that I saw back there on the Citadel, the person you've been ever since your past came back to haunt you… that's not you, Shepard. As long as I've known you, I've never seen you like that. Twice, you had her in your sights. If you were so hellbent on not killing her yourself, you should have let one of us do it!"

The turian had never been so angry at Zoe before, and she would never admit it, but it was a frightening sight, "Garrus, calm down. Let's just talk about this rationally."

"Screw that! Nothing you did back there was rational, Shepard!" his volume rose in agitation, "I don't want to think she's right, but from where I was standing, it's hard to deny that she's has some kind of twisted power over you."

"Hey, lay off, Garrus!" James interjected, pushing himself up on his elbows, sucking in a sharp breath as a dart of pain shot through his abdomen.

"No, don't defend her, Vega. She needs to hear this, and you know it," the towering alien stomped aggressively towards Shepard, "She's going to come back. You know it as well as I do, and when she shows her face again, if you don't put a goddamn bullet between her eyes… _I will._ "

Shepard shot up from her chair, balling her fists tightly, her nails cutting half-moons into the soft flesh of her palms, "You think I don't want her gone, Garrus? Because if that's what you think, you don't know me at all. But it's not that simple. We have a history that you — that no one can possibly understand."

"Bullshit!" the turian snapped, as she advanced towards him and away from the bedside, "That's a sorry excuse. I'm not blind, Shepard. I know how much you care about the lieutenant. So why in the hell would you put him, and me — or any one of us on this ship — in harms way because you can't admit to yourself that that woman is evil and better off dead?"

Zoe swallowed hard, the honesty and rashness of her friend's words stabbing through her like a steely blade, "I'm sorry… I know your right. You're my family… but, Mel… I just wanted so badly to believe she could change."

"Well, I think she's proven pretty clearly that she can't… or more likely, she doesn't want to," Garrus let his tone drop back to calm, "I understand that you feel guilty, Shepard. You spent a good chunk of your life convincing yourself that she was some kind of martyr that cared about you more than anyone ever could — so much so that she gave her life for you, but…"

"But she didn't. She blames _me_ for letting her make that sacrifice," the commander pinched at the bridge of her nose, attempting to stifle another onslaught of tears.

"Right. And…" he dropped his volume low so that only she could hear, "There are plenty of people that care about a million times more for you than she ever did. One of them is laying over there in a hospital bed because he'd gladly give his life for you, no strings attached."

"Yeah… yeah, I get it," she threw a glance over her shoulder, to see the lieutenant reclining back on the bed again, eyes closed and breath ragged, "I can't believe I was so blind. I can't believe I almost chose her over…"

Suddenly, the door slid open, and Doctor Chakwas trotted into the room, "Ah, Commander, there you are. I was hoping you'd stop by so I could update you on the lieutenant's condition."

"He seems to be in a lot of pain, Doctor," Shepard turned her attention away from the two men, "Isn't there anything you can do for that?"

"I'm afraid I've already given him the highest dosage of medication I can for now," Karin eyed Vega with a look of concern, but there was also a glimmer of mischief hidden in her expression, "His, um… _impressive_ size leaves him at a bit of a disadvantage, as it gives him a surprisingly high tolerance to the morphine. But his threshold for pain is also quite high as well, so I suspect he'll be over the breadth of it by tomorrow, and back on his feet in the next few days. He got lucky. The trajectory of the shot completely missed everything that would have made it life-threatening."

Shepard would have felt relieved if she hadn't felt responsible, "That's good news. Thank you, Doctor."

"My pleasure, Commander," Chakwas tossed another glance towards the lieutenant, her eyes clearly scanning over the bare skin of his exposed chest, "My pleasure, indeed."

"Oh my god, Karin. You can't be serious," Zoe's eyes rolled up into her head, and she snorted a genuine laugh, "Happy to finally have a little eye candy in your med bay, huh?"

"Hey, I can hear you over here," James called out from behind them, "And I like what I hear, so keep on talkin' doc."

Shepard's head whipped around just in time to see the lieutenant send out a flirty wink in the doctor's direction, "Dammit, Vega, don't encourage her."

"You're probably right, Shep. Don't want to give her any ideas, she might take advantage of me in my weakened condition," he teased, mercilessly.

"You two are entirely too alike," Chakwas shook her head in amusement, "Anyway, I'm going to go have a cup of coffee in the mess, and leave you two to catch up. Glad to see you awake and back in good spirits, Lieutenant. And, Commander…"

The doctor stepped closer to Zoe, and the younger woman braced herself to be chastised again, "Yes?"

"Don't let what happened here tear an even bigger hole inside you. You did what you thought was right — that's all you've ever done for as long as I've known you. Don't let that woman strip you of your compassion. Don't become her. I've seen it happen before, and as much as we couldn't stand to lose you to an untimely death, we can't stand to lose you to the cold isolation of vengeance, either."

"Understood, Doctor," Zoe nodded resolutely, and Chakwas gave her one more calculating once-over, before turning to headed out the doors, with Garrus mercifully falling in step behind her.

"She's right, you know," James was the first to break the silence, and the commander turned to him with a curious expression, waiting for him to elaborate, "You can't let this break you. O'Brien wanted you to turn into some cold, heartless killer. Hell, I think she would have been proud if you'd actually shot her yourself. It's better that you let her go… that you proved to her she wasn't worth letting her make you into some ruthless murderer."

Shepard couldn't deny that the admission surprised her, and she stepped back towards the bedside with a look of shock painted across her tired face, "You really feel that way?"

"Yeah, I know, I'm kinda having a hard time believing it myself, but…" he let out a heavy sigh and shifted his position a bit, "Look, I don't know if you'll buy it, but I understand more than you might think — what it's like to feel so strongly about a person that you convince yourself that it'll just take one word, one action, for them to open their eyes to what they're doing wrong."

"Someone from your past?" she asked, dropping back into the seat she'd abandoned earlier.

"Yeah… my dad," he confessed, a shade of dejection falling over his tawny features.

"You never told me about him," Shepard pointed out, eager to hear him explain the revelation and the similarities that he'd hinted at.

"I know. And I'm not gonna…" he hesitated, and easily caught the disappointed droop of her features at his dismissal, "But, I _will_ make you a deal, as long as you swear to honor it this time."

She nodded enthusiastically in agreement, longing to offer him something, anything that could make up for her disastrous oversight, "Of course, whatever you want."

"You tell me — for real this time, no tapping out at the last minute — what really happened on Akuze… The _whole_ story, and I'll tell you whatever you wanna know about my old man," he raised an eyebrow at her skeptically, clearly assuming she'd rebuff him on the subject once again.

"Fine. I promise. I owe you that much," Shepard conceded without so much as a second of protest.

"Oh, you owe me a lot more than that, Lola," his expression was serious, but their was a sparkle of that old flirtation glinting in his rich, brown eyes.

"Yeah, and I'll make up for it, I swear," she stood again, ignoring the playfulness in favor of taking his words at face value, "Right now, you deserve some time to rest. I've got a lot to think about… a lot of demons to exercise. If you need me, I'll be in my quarters. Take it easy, Lieutenant."

"You too, Commander," he called out to her retreating form, before adding a jib that made her straighten in embarrassment, "Too bad the drugs won't kick in well enough, coulda snuck a kiss of my own before you took off."

Shepard mumbled a curse under her breath, and without a word of acknowledgment, she shot out of the med bay door to the sanctuary of the empty elevator in the distance.

* * *

Tali's presence was more than a welcome addition to ship; she was a breath of fresh, warm air to Shepard's frost-bitten soul. The young quarian had always been more like a little sister to Zoe than a crew member, and the two had hit it off the first time they'd ever met. The commander went out of her way making the newly appointed admiral feel at home, relieved to finally have something besides combat to keep her mind off the racing thoughts that plagued her every minute of the day.

James, however, wasn't quite as thrilled with the unfamiliar presence. Not because he was wary of the new girl, but because since she'd arrived — and even though he'd been deemed ready to return to work — Shepard had replaced him with her on the usual ground team. Tali and Garrus seemed to get along swimmingly, almost as flirtatious in their banter as the lieutenant and commander could be. It was nice to see his turian friend, as well as Shepard, return from missions with gleaming smiles on their faces, but it was killing him that he was missing out on it.

Zoe hadn't been to see him very often while he was sequestered to the med bay, and now that he was out, it still seemed as if she was avoiding him. She'd visited his alcove in the shuttle bay once or twice, mainly to update him on their progress, but it had been brief — though just as wrought with sexual tension as any other interaction they'd had thus far. At that point, though, he'd finally managed to convince himself once and for all that whatever was budding between them was over. There was too much debris in the waters for them to make it safely to the other side this time.

Shepard was making it agonizingly clear that she wasn't interested in taking anything any further than it had already gone, if she ever had been truly interested in the first place. She was throwing herself, head first, into her work, leaving no stretches for down time. He was almost thankful she was leaving him to his own devices, or else he might not have recovered as quickly from his injury. Garrus, the only one of the crew that she consistently recruited for ground team these days, was taking a hell of a beating in the field. James could see the pleading look in his eyes before every mission, begging Shepard to pick someone else for a change.

They were just about to disembark on Rannoch, when the commander finally relented, for the sake of the exhausted turian. She'd chosen Tali, and the Prothean they'd recently dug out of the ground, to assist her on the final push to take back the quarian home world. James was forced to watch on the vid projection — his stomach on the floor at his feet — as Shepard stared down the searing laser eye of a Reaper, dashing and rolling for dear life as she waited for the troops in the sky to shoot it down. It had positively wrecked him, seeing how close she'd gotten to being blown to smithereens by the gargantuan machine.

He still cared so much about her, no matter how hard he tried to bury the feelings. And when she'd finally taken the damned thing down, he laughed along with her as her victorious whooping danced brilliantly through the speakers of the console before him. She'd drug herself back to the ship, drained and bloody, but in the best of spirits, and all he wanted to do was scoop her up in a fervent embrace — to congratulate her and chastise her at the same time for scaring the shit out of him.

She was still the same complicated labyrinth of a person she's always been, though. As he held his hand out to help her off of the shuttle, she grabbed onto it and pulled herself down quickly, leaping into his arms as if it was the first time she'd seen him in years. When she finally pulled back, she looked at him with a smile that beamed brighter than any he'd seen her give in weeks. On top of it, the relief and adoration in her eyes all but made his heart stop in its radiant intensity.

"Hey, Lola," he smiled down at her, reluctant to unwind his arms from her waist, "Glad you made it outta that one. Things got pretty hot for a minute there."

"You're telling me. I had a Reaper shoot a laser so close to my ass it almost set it on fire," she teased happily, but he couldn't help wondering how long it would take her to realize she was still leaning intimately close to him.

As he suspected, it only took another second and she was off, putting several feet of space between them in the blink of an eye. The quarian girl stepped off the shuttle next, making an odd noise as if she'd caught the exchange and had been highly amused at what she saw take place. James eyed her with a pointed expression that silently warned her to keep it to herself, but Tali's only reply was to shrug and saunter sassily away.

"So, I guess you caught the whole thing on the transmissions, huh?" Shepard broke the building silence, turning and crossing to the lockers to strip herself of her heavy armor.

James followed her over, taking advantage of her willingness to start a conversation after such a long time of avoiding them, "Yeah, that was… one of the most loco things I've ever seen in my life. I just wish I coulda been there…"

"I'm glad you weren't… it was brutal. And Legion… I guess we have one more name to add to the list of friends we've lost," the exhilaration she'd been clinging to melted away at the reminder of yet another fallen colleague.

"I, uh, I'm still havin' a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you were friends with that thing. I mean, it's a geth," he hated to seem unsympathetic, but Shepard had proven more than once to have a soft spot for people and things that only she would describe as 'misunderstood'.

" _He_ wasn't a _thing_ , Lieutenant. He was a friend, and an amazing ally. If you'd seen the things I saw inside the geth consensus…" she paused as she yanked off her bracers and looked at him with eyes darkened in the way of someone that had seen entirely too much in their short existence, "Maybe you wouldn't be so quick to judge what you're unfamiliar with."

"Sorry, Lola," he threw his hands up defensively, "I'm not tryin' to be an asshole. I get where you're coming from, I do. And I'm sorry you lost another friend. If there's anything I can do—"

"There's not, Lieutenant," she turned away abruptly, and stalked over to the corner she usually took cover behind to finish undressing, calling back over her shoulder as she went, "I've been through it plenty of times. I can take care of myself."

* * *

It had been almost a month since the battle on the Citadel, and when they'd docked onto the place for a supply run and went their separate ways for the day, James had never expected the commander to come trotting into the lower levels after finishing up her tasks upstairs. He'd certainly never expected the pep talk. And, least of all did he expect the way she shamelessly bantered with him, as if the past few weeks had never even happened.

"You want me to get an N7 tattoo?" she scoffed, but he could have sworn he caught a glimpse of consideration, if only for a second.

"N7, sure…" he threw her a killer smirk, "Or you could get my name done… somewhere special."

She planted her hand on her hip sassily, and for a second he thought she wouldn't take the bait, but he was so wrong.

"You're _such_ a tease, Vega," her voice was doing that low, sultry thing it used to do when she was having fun with him.

"Who me?" he asked, feigning denial.

"You ever gonna make good on all this flirting?" Shepard cocked her head back, — all these familiar gestures slowly filling him with hope that maybe their dynamic hadn't fully been crushed under the weight of Shepard's hefty guilt.

Regardless of the alleviation her mannerisms brought forth, the question still caught him by surprise, and he found himself stammering and uncharacteristically nervous, "Uhh, I was just… I didn't mean to, you know… I was just…"

She broke into a hearty laugh, shaking her head amusedly at his baffled reaction, "That's what I thought… later, Lieutenant."

With that, she was gone, slinking away as quick as she'd come. The batarian tattooist's needled bared deep into his skin, and he let out a grunt of pain, the sensation effectively tearing his attention away from the sensual sway of her hips. The feeling she'd left him with was reminiscent of the way he'd felt that night in Purgatory. After the honorable display of buying that group of soldiers a round, he'd lost every ounce of his resolve to forget he'd ever wanted her. And this time was no different.

Whatever it took, however had she fought back, he was going to find a way to pull her out of her shell, make her realize that there was at least one person in the galaxy that wouldn't leave or betray her. Earlier in his life, he'd known she was an amazing person, but the woman he'd fought beside, the one that he'd seen rage and cry and holler with glee — she was about a million times more appealing than anything he'd ever read about or seen on the vids. And he wanted her, desperately. He wanted to know what it felt like to trap that alluring smile of hers against his own lips. He wanted to know what the small of her back felt like when it arched under his hands.

To him, she'd become so much more than just Commander Shepard, Hero of the Alliance; She was Zoe Shepard, a woman with so many complex layers that it would take a life time to peel them all away. And ultimately, that was what he wanted above everything else — a life time with her, to uncover the depths that she tried so hard to keep concealed. He'd take every ounce of the pain and guilt and grief inside of her, ball it up, and toss it out of the airlock into the void of space, never to be heard from again. And, if they ever did see Melloria again, after all the torment she'd put the commander through, Garrus wouldn't have an opportunity to take the killing blow; Not if James had anything to say about it.


	19. The Whole Story

Vega stormed into Shepard's cabin without even knocking or calling up first. In the weeks since he'd been back at work, she was still refusing to take him along on even the simplest missions. The commander was keeping him benched for some reason. He was determined to make her admit it, and make her tell him why.

"Shepard!" he called out, the woman no where in sight.

"Ever heard of _knocking_ , Lieutenant?" she stepped out of the shower, a towel draped loosely around her dripping torso, "How's the tattoo healing?"

"Sorry, Commander, I just…" he was confused by how unfazed she seemed by his sudden intrusion, especially considering her current state of undress, "The ink's fine. Look, I need to talk to you about something."

" _Okay_ ," it was obviously important enough to barge in, an action that was uncharacteristic of him, to say the least, "What is it you wanna talk about?"

"Don't act like you don't know," he crossed his arms, defenses visibly locking into place.

She did know, but she wasn't about to let on, "You're going to have to elaborate a little, James."

"I just want you to tell me why you've left me on the sidelines for the last _dozen_ missions," he stepped toward her, "There's no reason for it, and frankly, I don't appreciate being left behind, especially not by you. You won't even so much as take me out scouting. So, spill it. What's the problem?"

She took a deep breath in, not sure exactly how to answer him, though she'd been going over this conversation in her own head for days upon days now, "Can I at least get dressed first?"

"Yeah, whatever," he turned his back to her to allow her some privacy and to give himself a break from trying to stop his wandering eyes, "But don't think I don't know you're just stalling."

"You've got it all figured out, don't you, Vega?" she dropped the towel to the floor and reached in a drawer for a set of fresh clothes.

"Maybe I don't," he could hear her rustling around and it took every ounce of will not to sneak a peek over his shoulder, "I do know one thing, though. We're getting close to end game, and I'm _dying_ for some action."

_Was that supposed to be a double entendre, Jimmy?_

She couldn't stop the smirk from pulling at her lips at the familiarity of his words, but quickly struck the thought from her mind, as she pulled on her BDUs and blotted the last drops of water from the ends of her long hair. He was right, though; she had been keeping him benched. No matter how hard she'd tried, she couldn't get the sound of that gunshot out of her mind, or the heartbreaking image of him slumped on the floor bleeding and fading away from her.

"You can turn around, now," she grabbed a brush from her nightstand and drug it through her damp locks, mentally reciting the speech she'd spent sleepless nights preparing for this scene, "The problem, Lieutenant, is that you have no restraint. You've thrown yourself in the thick of every fight I've brought you into, without a hint of concern for your own survival. You've taken a bullet for other squad members more than once. I've lost too many people that had that attitude, I'm not going to watch you throw it all away because you can't keep your head on straight."

"You have the same attitude! And you can't keep me locked in this ship forever, either!" he stomped towards her, "You know what it's like to be locked up against your will, while the fighting just goes on around you. Why would you do that to one of your crew, especially me? I don't buy that fuckin' excuse. You're tryin' to tell me that because I put my life on the line for the cause, I don't deserve to fight? Name one solider you've ever known that wouldn't willingly take a bullet for the people on his squad."

"I can't," she advanced on him, just as aggressively as he had on her, "But I can tell you that every person on _my_ squad knows that you don't try to take a bullet for _me_. The captain's the one that's expected to go down with the ship. Protect each other, that's fine. Honorable, even. But, as your commanding officer, I'm the one that is supposed to protect you, not the other way around!"

"That's what this is all about?" he didn't have to ask, it was obvious now.

He wasn't wrong, and there was no way she could shirk the claim. Ever since that moment on the Citadel, she'd found every way possible to avoid recruiting him on any further missions. She was actually surprised he hadn't approached her much earlier about it. He was probably just as hesitant to breach the subject as she was, because they knew what it would lead to. Their flirtations hadn't quelled in the least, even after all the times she'd vowed internally to somehow sever the ties she was binding herself with. If anything, they'd just gotten worse, as close to the edge of professionally inappropriate as possible without toppling right over. She bit her lip, unsure what to say next. She could admit it, or she could wait and see where he went next.

She chose a simple shrug as her only response, making him visibly agitated, "That's all you got? A fuckin' _shrug_? Look, Shepard, I know what you think — I'm not suicidal or reckless as you think I am, at least not anymore. But the truth is, I just… You need someone to look out for you every now and then, okay? You can't just go it alone for the rest of your life, never having someone there to watch out for you, or pull you back from the edge when you're about to fall. I'm not the kind of person who lets the people I care about just suffer in silence, you know?"

"I'm not suffering," it might have been true, except she knew it wasn't; she'd just never been able to admit it to anyone, least of all herself.

"Yeah, you are," he stepped closer again, but this time it was a slow and easy movement, "You need to get some of that crap from your past _out_. Confide in someone for once in your life. I'm asking you to dump your mess on me. All of it, no judgement, I swear to you. How many times can you say you've been offered that?"

She searched her mind, unable to come up with any number but zero, and peered up at him with desperation in her eyes, "None…"

"That's what I thought," he turned and crossed to the couches in the corner, "Come on, we've got a little while before we get to Thessia. You can start with what happened on Akuze."

_Oh no, not this._

Her dreams had been more vivid in the past few nights — twisted by the things that had taken place since Melloria's reappearance. Shepard took a deep breath in. This had to be something like what he'd been feeling when he'd given in to opening up about Fehl Prime. She moved to join him, and he thought at first she'd choose the opposite side of the seat. Instead, she sat barely a foot away from him, close enough that he could breathe in the scent of her freshly washed skin. Her hair was in that stage of half-wet/half-dry that made the way it framed her face particularly alluring. He had her where he wanted her, just not quite how he wanted her, but this would be good enough for him — to have her open up for a fraction of time, like the old days back on Earth. It would be enough to finally kick down a few more of those impenetrable walls she'd spent so many years fortifying.

"So?" he urged her to begin.

"Akuze… I don't even know where to start," she shook her head solemnly, "We'd been picking up some rough distress signals, just pieces of information, broken by interference with our comms. We could make out the words 'thresher maws' but we had no idea what they were referring to."

"That was the first time humans had ever come in contact with them," he recalled the news reports from when it happened.

"Yeah," the word came out as a whisper, and she dropped her gaze to her hands, wringing her fingers together to hide the shaking, "We had no idea what we were getting into. A lot of the squad were fresh out of basic, still just kids… They dropped us in to scout and left us there. We were supposed to camp out for the night if we didn't find anything right away — but we found something, alright. An empty settlement, looked like it was frozen in time. Not a single person there, but no bodies either. Mel was the first to speak up, she _knew_ something wasn't right. She begged our CO to radio the shuttle to pick us up, but he had his orders, and he was not about to question them. Especially not because some fresh-faced, young recruit was a little shaken.

In the middle of the night, just as most of us were turning down, they set in on us. There were dozens of them — ferocious, bloodthirsty monsters. We didn't stand a chance. Our CO was one of the first to go. The first few soldiers, along with him, were seized by those _things_ and drug underground. That's when the rest of us realized where the colonists had disappeared to and the real panic set in. We tried sending out a call to the shuttle, but the interference — the same stuff we'd been picking up with the distress call — it made it impossible to make contact. We fought through the night, exhausted and running out of ammo, but running out of squad mates faster. Then, my gun jammed…"

He saw her eyes fill with fear in that moment. Whatever she was remembering right then hurt, somewhere deep in her soul, in a place she hadn't explored in far too many years. He didn't want to rush her, but he wanted her to be rid of this, to do what he could to steal the pain away.

After a few moments of silence, her eyes staring blankly into the distance, he decided to coax her onward, "What happened then?"

"Across from me, one of the other soldiers… Banks… he'd passed out from the exhaustion, but his gun was still loaded. I was in such a panic… I went for it, without thinking. Do you know how fast a thresher maw is? It was yards away from me one second, and inches the next. But Mel was faster. She shoved me out of the way, and the thing was on her. She shot the shit out of it, but it just wouldn't die. She screamed at me to run, and I was just so scared… there wasn't any other way out. So, I did what she told me to. I ran, and I hid, and I stayed there until they finally came back for us. Except, they only came back for me. I was the only one left.

The last thing I saw before they pulled me into the shuttle was her body, laying there, broken and twisted. The monsters had carried most of them off… except for her, and a couple others. They just left her there, like some kind of sick warning directed at me. I know she was bad but… Still… Why… Why did I leave her there?" she looked at him finally, eyes glistening with tears that wouldn't quite break free, "She wasn't even dead… I didn't even check to make sure she was really dead."

"You didn't have a choice, Shepard," he put a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it tight, "If you'd gone back for her, _you_ would have been dead."

"Right, instead I cower down in some unreachable crevice and sob my eyes out while all my friends get slaughtered," she made a disgusted noise, "It'd be different if I pulled some kind of wild heroics. I chose the cowards way out, got promoted for it, handed my own command, and everyone else paid with their life. Now I have a vengeful ex on my heels, out for blood. She _blames_ me. All this time, I thought that if she could, she'd forgive me, but I was wrong… and she was right. I'm still weak, I'm just better at hiding it."

"No, listen to me," he brought his other hand up and cupped the side of her neck, forcing her to meet his intense gaze, "You chose to _survive_. You chose to do what you had to to get yourself out of a situation that would have been suicide any other way. You _weren't_ weak, you _weren't_ a coward… and it is _not your fault_ that Mel got hurt, or that she came back bitter and twisted."

His words hit her like a dreadnaught to the face. She collapsed into tears, a flood that had been building for a decade. It finally broke free, in full force — hard and loud and purifying. He pulled her into him, her face crashing into his chest, the sobs muffled into his neck. She'd thrown him for a loop when she'd asked him earlier that week if he planned on making good on all his flirting. Now, with the commander wrapped in his arms, her intoxicating aroma engulfing him, it was more difficult than ever to resist his base urges. Not pulling her face to his and kissing her right then and there was going to be the hardest fight of his life.

He held onto her until her sobs finally began to die down, and she pulled back. Her eyes were rimmed in red and her face glistened with moisture. He stood and went to the bedside table, pulling a box of tissues from it and bringing them to her.

"Thank you. I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me," she sniffled, wiping at her face with the soft papers, finally ready to change the subject to the thing she'd really been dreading, "James, I need to tell you something, but I'm pretty sure you already know."

"Shepard," he returned to his position beside her on the couch, "We don't have to do this right now. I know how hard that was for you."

"No, I need to say this," her breathing was steadying, but she couldn't quite force herself to look at him, "James, I lied to you. I'm… not _exactly_ a… lesbian."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out… like, a _while_ ago," he gave her a playful smirk, trying his best to lighten her mood, "I've told you before, Lola, you're a terrible liar."

"I'm not _that_ bad," she scrunched her face up, an expression he'd never seen her make before, and damn if it wasn't adorable.

He chuckled at the sight of it, "Oh, you're a great liar, when you want to be. But you didn't really want to, did you?"

She couldn't understand how he'd managed to figure her out so well, "No, not to you. I was just… trying to protect us, I guess."

"Us?" the whole time he thought it only really had to do with keeping her own heart closed off.

"I'm not an idiot, Vega. I know what can happen to you if we were to 'fraternize'," she made air quotes around the last word, "I'm a Spectre, so there's technically not much they can do to me. Well, the Alliance could, but they wouldn't risk upsetting the Council. Especially not while they still need me to fight this war for them. Besides, it already had me messed up in the worst… and best way, so changing things wouldn't have really made it any different for me. But you run the risk of losing it all. I wouldn't let you chance that, even if you wanted too — and I know you don't."

"Wait, hold up a second… are you telling me what I think you're telling me?" he cocked his head to the side, a sly grin inching its way across his lips.

"I… don't know. What do you think I'm telling you?"

"I don't know. Maybe you should _elaborate_ ," he propped an arm on the back of the couch, looking entirely too smug and inviting for his own good.

She mirrored his posture and expression, the light finally returning to her pale, shimmering eyes, "I don't know. I thought I was making it pretty obvious."

"Just say it," he lifted one thick eyebrow, probing for the words he'd been desperately hoping to hear for so long now.

"Dammit, Vega," she blew out a soft laugh, shaking her head at his maddeningly cool demeanor, "I like you, okay? As more than just a friend or a teammate. Is that what you want me to say?"

"Only if you mean it, Lola."

"Yeah… I do," she bit her lip, dropping her gaze to her hands, "So, where does that leave us?"

"I, uh… I mean, I really like you too, Shepard."

"But…"

"No, no buts. That's it. I like you, simple as that."

"No, I mean… I have a but."

"Yeah, you do, a damn _fine_ one," he purred, with another one of his knee-weakening grins.

She gave him a hard, playful slap on the knee, "You're an idiot."

"And you're blushing," he winked, only serving to cause the redness in her cheeks to swell that much more.

"Shut up, Jimmy, I'm trying to be serious here," she adjusted in her seat a bit, attempting to put on an air of sobriety.

"Sorry, Lola," he finally relented, "So, what is it?"

"I'm… not sure if I'm ready for this yet. After everything I've been through…" she let out a sigh, and her eyes fell down to her hands again, "I hide it well, but, I'm so broken. And some guy carrying me to bed for a night of passionate, emotional-scar-healing sex isn't going to fix me, no matter how much I care about said guy."

"You read _entirely_ too many books, Lola," James scoffed, amused by the idea, "I know that's not how it works."

"Yeah, I know you know, but the point is, I do have a _ton_ of issues, and I don't want anyone, you least of all, to feel like it's your responsibility to fix them."

"You can take care of yourself, right?"

"I know that's what I keep saying, and it's true, to an extent… but the truth is, I don't need the added burden of worrying that you'll get in trouble for this. And one of the reasons why I like you so much is that you're always there for me, and that's what I need right now. Someone who's there when I need them, that has my back no matter what. I'm not going to lie, Jimmy, I want a lover, but right now, I just… _need_ my friends. And I don't want to lose you to Alliance regs any more than I want to lose you to a bullet to the chest."

"So, maybe we leave it at friends, for now, huh?" his heart sank, but he retained a collected exterior.

"Yeah, that's probably for the best," she finally met his eyes once more, mirrored with the same regret and finality that shone in her own, "It's not… what I want, but…"

"It's gonna be okay, Lola," he brought a hand up to her face, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear, "This war ain't gonna last forever. You never know what could happen. I'll go join N7, then one day maybe I'll be a commander myself."

"Or we could all die horrible, fiery deaths at the hands of the Reapers," she was trying to be funny, but her words fell flat around them.

"Shepard, we're approaching Thessia," Joker's voice called from overhead, "ETA twenty minutes 'til arrival."

"Roger that, Joker," she answered in the most matter-of-fact tone she could muster in her current state, her eyes never breaking from the lieutenant's, "Tell Liara and Javik to prepare themselves and meet me downstairs."

"You got it, Commander."

"You should probably get yourself ready too, James," she stood and absentmindedly brushed at her cargo pants, "I've got to finish up here, then I'm right behind you."

"Wait, you're taking me on this one?" his eyes went wide with disbelief and excitement, as he rose to stand beside her, "You never take three people with you."

"Yeah, I have a feeling we're going to need an extra gun, if Thessia is as bad off as I think it is. And it's not fair of me to keep you grounded like I have been," Shepard nodded, smiling now and looking lighter some how, "Besides, we work well together… Thanks for the talk, Lieutenant, I feel a lot better now, just having it all off my chest, finally. It helps that you get it, that you've been there, in your own way, you know?"

"Yeah," he had the familiar urge to go to her, wrap her in his arms and tell her what he was really feeling — that he didn't think they'd just be better off as friends — but he held his tongue and started for the door, "Catch you on the flip side, Lola."

"Hey, don't think I forgot… next time, we're talking about your dad," she called out to his retreating form.

He really wasn't looking forward to that conversation, but after finally getting her to break down her walls a bit, he wasn't about to try to block her off in turn, "You got it, Commander. See you in the shuttle bay."

* * *

By the time they'd gotten off Thessia, the place was not much more than a smoking ruin, and Shepard was injured again. This time, Kai Leng had gotten the jump on them, and the whole crew knew something was amiss before they ever got the news. The commander's bellows of rage could be heard throughout the ship, her nasty cursing and screaming making even the most seasoned veterans of the Normandy blush at the display. Zoe was pissed. Another notch in her belt full of failures, and not even Tali's sunshiny presence could pull her out of the furious stupor that she'd blanketed herself in.

Liara was beside herself with grief, choosing to sequester herself in her room as soon as they'd returned. Shepard had regretted bringing her along, as soon as they touched down onto the desecrated landscape, but the asari had insisted — though now it was clear she'd had no idea what she'd been asking. As bad as the commander's injuries were, through the tumultuous storm rampaging inside her, she couldn't even feel the pain. The ninja asshole had gotten away, with the intel on the Catalyst, and now the asari counselor was waiting on pins and needles to hear the outcome.

Shepard was not looking forward to that conversation. It was a rare occasion that she'd ever had to give bad news, so infrequently so that she really had no idea to handle it. She'd managed to fight her way past Chakwas' demands that she stay in the med bay, and she drug herself, still bloody and broken, into the QEC room. She practically fell onto the call button when she went to connect with the Counselor; and when the asari's shimmering blue visage materialized into view, it took every ounce of will she had left not to break down in tears right in front of the dignitary.

It was all becoming too much for the commander. So many years of fighting, just to have such a devastating wrench thrown into their otherwise solid plans, when they'd been so close to seeing it come to fruition. When she made it back to the elevator, she'd had every intention of returning to the med bay at Karin's behest, but instead, she punched the button that would send her to the freedom and comfort of her own cabin. As she passed through the doors and slumped down the stairs to her bed, her eyes scanned over the bookshelves, their emptiness almost like some kind of haunting metaphor for her own soul.

She wanted to bury her face in one of them, breathe in the scent of the timeworn pages, crinkle the delicate paper between her fingers, soak up the words that had been such a solace to her in the worst days of the past. But they were gone… like so many other things, and people, she'd once held dear. James had asked her once why she read so often, and she remembered telling him that it was because the stories had given her an escape to a happily ever after she never really expected herself to have. Or, something like that…

_James… I've pretty much ruined that one by now._

"Commander, Doctor Chakwas requested you return to the med bay as soon as possible. My readings on your vital signs show that your body is in a state of severe duress… we're worried about you, Shepard," EDI's words were replete with sincere concern, but Shepard had already stripped down to her underclothes and made herself comfortable in bed.

"I'm taking a nap, EDI. Tell Karin that if she wants to do a check up, she's going to have to make a house call," Zoe tried to add the lilt of a joke into her tone, but her words fell flat.

Without arguing, the AI replied simply before cutting the transmission, "Understood, Commander. Sleep well."

Shepard was on the cusp of a dream when Doctor Chakwas came barreling into the room, "You are the most hard headed little girl I've ever had as a superior officer."

"Yeah, I don't think you're alone in that sentiment," the incapacitated woman groaned, pulling the covers over her head like an unruly child when the doctor flipped the overhead lights on without warning.

"Get those covers off yourself, and let me take a look at you, or I'll have Lieutenant Vega come up here and tie you down to the bed," it was supposed to be an order, but she had no time to comply, as Chakwas yanked the blanket off, tossing it carelessly to the floor.

Shepard stifled a laugh at the idea of James tromping into the room and roping up her hands and feet right in front of the doctor, "No offense, Karin, but as close as the lieutenant and I are, there won't be any bondage escapades in the near future."

"Right, because you're still giving that poor boy the cold shoulder. Don't think I haven't noticed," the older woman stepped up next to her, eyeing the commander with a pointed expression, "Now, shut that smart mouth of yours and pull up your shirt so I can see that stab wound."

"He's not a boy, doc," Zoe scoffed and lifted the hem of her shirt, wincing when the fabric scraped against the delicate, torn flesh of her side, "If he was interested he would have made a move months ago."

"As if you gave him a proper opportunity. Let me tell you a little something about being in the medical field for as long as I have, Shepard. You learn to read all the little nuances of human interaction. Add on top of that the fact that I see everything that goes on in this ship with a keener eye than anyone gives me credit for, and I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that you've been keeping that man at arms length since the minute you started feeling yourself get close to him," she may never have been a mother, but she certainly knew how to talk like one, "Did you even apply medi-gel to this?"

"I didn't really have a chance while I was _plummeting through a hole in the ground_ , but thank you for noticing, _Mom_ ," it was the second time Shepard had called Chakwas that, but the older woman seemed unfazed by the label, "And I'm not going to lie, you're right. I keep him at a distance, but I don't really have a choice either. When I finally came to terms with how I felt, we were already back on the Normandy and I'd been reinstated. Then Melloria showed up. Besides, I know how soldiers like James are — dedicated, straight-laced, and almost so by-the-book that it's nauseating. No way he'd risk a relationship with a superior officer just for kicks."

The doctor balked at Shepard's odd turn of phrase "'Came to terms?' You talk about it as if it's a death instead of the realization of deep-seated romantic feelings."

"Well, it was, in a way. Whatever had held me back from caring about someone like that — that person who was scared to give her heart away — was dying a little, every moment I spent with him," the younger woman shrugged as if the confession wasn't one of the hardest things she'd ever had to admit out loud to another person, "I care about him a lot, but I'm not going to gum up the works on the off chance that he decides to throw caution to the wind for my benefit."

"So, instead, you'll continue to lead each other on, until we all come to an untimely end at the hands of the Reapers, or whatever unforeseen evil we're tossed in front of next," Karin had finally finished her probing of the commander's body and had taken a seat beside her on the mattress, "Listen, Zoe… you've done an immeasurable amount of good for the rest of the world. Take a chance on yourself for once."

A wide smile spread across Shepard's cheeks, "Hey, Karin…"

"What?"

"You called me Zoe…" the commander's eyes were alight with mirth, but the doctor just scoffed dismissively and went on.

"Dear, you have to realize that at this point, it's your decision whether or not to throw caution to the wind. Because that soldier in there is not going to make a move unless you let him know it's alright. He doesn't give a damn about regulations. It's only what he clings to on those lonely nights when he's trying to convince himself that you aren't interested," Chakwas sucked in a deep breath, "Now, I think that's enough parental advice for one night, don't you? Your injuries aren't as bad as they first appeared, so I'll let you stay where you're comfortable. Just… think about what I said, will you? This life of ours is short… and it would be nice to live vicariously through you while I still have a chance."

Shepard's eyes flew wide, and she sputtered a laugh, her cheeks flaring rosey pink, "Geez, Karin!"

"What? You can't blame me, can you? I don't see a lot of action in my old age, it's nice to know someone might, given you take my advice," the doctor stood and started towards the door, "Trust me, Commander, letting your inhibitions go for a while will do you more good, physically and mentally, than anything I could prescribe you medicinally."

With that, she crossed to the door, leaving Shepard alone to mull over the conversation. Chakwas was right, and she knew it. How many days did they really have left? Especially now that the intel on the Crucible was in enemy hands. She considered, realistically, how many times she easily could have died, not just in the past few months since escaping Earth, but in the entire expanse of years that she'd been on this perilous journey. Maybe it was time to forget her guilt, and the responsibility she felt to protect a man that was so readily capable of protecting himself. Maybe it was over due to take the lieutenant's advice and allow someone else to protect her for a change.

_Jimmy… Lieutenant James Vega… do you have any idea what you do to me?_

Shepard knew she couldn't rest on her laurels forever, but the resounding terror at the memory of that near-fatal gunshot, that had almost stolen the lieutenant away from her permanently, threatened to eat its way through her already fragile resolve. She let out an exhausted sigh as she mentally added that moment to the growing list of life experiences that would aggravate her PTSD in the years to come; if there were any 'years' left after this disastrous adventure she'd found herself on.


	20. Sick Of The Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a little special something that I'm sure a few of you have been waiting for. :3 Hope you enjoy it and have a lovely day!

When Ann was done explaining her plan, Zoe crossed over to the island in Dr. Bryson's lab, not entirely thrilled with the lieutenant's sudden presence, and taking no pains to hide her disapproval.

"What do you think you're doing down here, James?"

"How many times have you almost died on this monster hunt, Lola?" he turned to her, arms crossed defiantly, "I heard you were closing in on the Reaper-killer. You can't expect me not to be worried about you."

"Like near-death is something I'm not used to by now," she raised a condescending eyebrow, "But I appreciate the concern."

"Hey, have you seen this thing?" he turned his attention to the experimental husk head that sat behind him, eyeing them both hungrily, "This is great! Freaky little bastard. Watch."

He waved a hand in front of its face, the monstrosity following the teasing movement like a dog begging for a treat, chuckling to himself as if it was the best thing he'd ever seen in his life.

"Um, you probably shouldn't touch that, Jimmy," she warned, but made no move to stop him.

Zoe watched with great amusement as the lieutenant's fingers got just a tad bit too close. The husk screeched loudly, stretching out it's long neck, and nipping at the appendage, nearly taking a chunk out of the tip of Vega's middle finger.

"Ow! Son of a bitch!" he swore, shaking his arm rapidly to ease the sting, "Uh, EDI, husk bites… they don't turn you into a husk or anything, right?"

"Well, they do kind of look like zombies," Shepard snorted a chuckle.

"I recommend you apply medi-gel," there was a definite hint of laughter in the AI's dead-pan tone, but James took her advice to heart, and quickly did as she said.

"Hey, if nobody claims this thing, we could take it with us. You know, for research, or whatever…" he leaned in close to the decapitated head, making a face at it and it growled at him again.

"James… please be careful with that thing. You're like a little kid sometimes, I swear," Zoe shook her head, letting out another light chortle, "But, if it'll make you happy, we'll send it over to the Normandy. You can name it Spot, but you have to promise to take it for walks, keep up a feeding schedule, and clean up after it."

"You're the best, Commander!" he grinned a sugary sweet smile at her, and she replied by sticking her tongue out at him, "Hey, you think Esteban would let me set up bowling pins in the cargo bay?"

Shepard rolled her eyes, giving his shoulder a swift smack with the back of her hand, "Stop distracting me, we've got work to do."

"Sorry, I'll head back to the ship if it's really that hard for you to keep your eyes off me, Lola," he teased, throwing her a flirtatious wink.

"Funny," she crossed back over to EDI and Ann, "Actually, it's probably better that you showed up. I have a feeling we're going to need your particular set of talents for our next endeavor."

"Oh yeah? How so?"

"Things might get a little hectic. I'll need you to make sure Miss Bryson here stays restrained," she turned her attention to the AI, "EDI, progress?"

"Energy signature locked in. Waiting for activation."

"I don't mean to question you, but this sounds dangerous as hell, Commander," James stepped towards her, anxiety apparent in his tone.

"Duly noted. We'll be careful," she nodded resolutely, "Ann, are you sure about this? There's no turning back once we get started."

"Yes, I'm sure," Bryson sat firmly down on the bench, and James took his position behind her, placing a pacifying hand on her shoulder.

"I'm gonna be right here, the whole time," the lieutenant assured her, his voice calm and comforting.

He locked eyes with Zoe and for a minute, the world around them seemed to freeze in place. He had so much compassion, for someone who was nothing more than a complete stranger. Even more than that, he knew this would be risky, but he trusted Shepard to have a handle on the situation — it was a trust she'd refused to reciprocate ever since the incident on the Citadel; a trust that a certain redhead had never afforded her. In that moment she felt a pang of blinding guilt over putting such a tight leash on him for so long; for not let him fight, not letting him have what he needed to thrive. She knew he must have been going insane, sequestered to the ship, and it suddenly hit her that she was no better than the Alliance and the Council, locking him away for no good reason, other than her own selfish fears.

"Okay, I'm ready," Ann's voice brought Zoe snapping back to reality.

She tore her eyes away from the lieutenant, focusing her attention on Bryson, "Alright. James, drop the containment shield."

There was a brief period of nothing, but when things did begin to progress, it happened abruptly. Even with Vega's superior strength, he was having a difficult time keeping a hold on the struggling young woman once Leviathan had control of her. He grunted from the strain of it, the worry in his eyes intensifying with each passing second.

"EDI, do we have enough?" Shepard spun toward the AI, hoping and praying they would be able to put an end to this madness quickly.

"Partial lock. Maintain connection to narrow the search."

Zoe's heart shot up into her throat. They were running out of options, but seeing Ann in such a drastic state was tearing the commander in two.

"You heard her, we got enough. I'm hitting the shield," James made a move for the controls, struggling to keep his grip on the thrashing woman at the same time.

"Not yet. We need more time!" Shepard ordered, avoiding the disappointed glare the lieutenant tossed her.

"Signal is fading, maintain connection," the AI interjected, tapping away at the terminal furiously.

"We can fight the Reapers and win this!" Zoe knelt down in front of Bryson, her chest constricted with fear and sympathy.

"The cycle cannot be broken," the thing inside the young woman growled its response, staring the commander down with a vengeful sneer.

"You're wrong!" Shepard cried, holding her ground when the possessed girl made a lunge for her.

EDI spoke up again, "Focusing the point of origin. Maintain connection to narrow the search."

"You gotta stop this, Shepard!" the lieutenant pleaded, almost losing his grip as Ann wriggled and convulsed in his arms.

Zoe couldn't take any more, so she relented, "Do it. Raise the shield."

James sprang for the button, slamming his fist into it and darting towards the young woman, "Dammit. You had me on my toes there for a minute Shepard. Didn't think you were gonna give it up."

Shepard stood frozen in place, her eyes glistening with moisture as she stared down at the girl slumped over in front of her, "I'm sorry. I… we needed the location. Do you… is she okay?"

"Hey, Ann? You in there?" the lieutenant gave Bryson's shoulder a light shake, rousing her from her daze.

"Yes," she breathed, "Yes, I think so."

The commander couldn't speak; her throat had gone dry as a desert and her jaw was locked tightly in dread. She'd seen too many people die and get hurt so far on this journey. To have come so close to outright murdering an innocent person just for a bit of information…

_Mel would have been proud… Goddammit. No, Mel would have just let her die._

"EDI, did we get anything?" James took it upon himself to probe for results, since Shepard was still petrified.

"Yes, but it will take some time to search. Coordinates sent to the Normandy."

"Good. It's a start," Zoe finally spoke, but her words wavered with despondency.

"Commander," Ann stood unsteadily, and crossed over to her, "I sensed something else. Anger."

"It knows we're getting close," Shepard's voice dropped low, "It obviously doesn't want to be found."

"No, it's more than that," Bryson's eyes went wide with fear, "I think it wants to kill you?"

The commander stiffened again, and at the sight, James closed in on the two women, "EDI, take Ann to the med lab to get her checked over. I'll take care of Shepard."

"Yes, Lieutenant," the AI nodded in compliance, leading the young brunette away.

"Come on, Lola. You can't just stand there catatonic all day," he tugged at her arm, urging her towards the doors, but she wouldn't budge.

"I could have killed her, James. If you hadn't stepped in… I would have just kept pressing her until we had what we needed," she met his gaze as a single tear trickled down her flushed cheek, "I'm turning into her, aren't I? I'm no better than Melloria."

"Bullshit, don't say something like that," he shook his head rapidly, dismissing the ridiculous comparison, "You're no where close to being anything like that crazy bitch. Come on, let's get you back to the Normandy. You just need to rest. You've been going way too hard lately."

Shepard started to resist again, but nodded slowly, and allowed herself to be led out to the waiting shuttle. When they arrived back on the ship, Traynor was already busy analyzing the information EDI had sent over. They'd managed to narrow the coordinates down to two possible locations, so they had at least a fifty-fifty chance of hitting the right planet on the first try.

"Fifty-fifty," Zoe sighed, her eyes still hollow, haunted and glassy, as they had been the whole ride back, "My luck isn't even that good anymore."

"You don't look well, Shepard," Samantha searched her face with a deeply trouble expression, "Go take some time for yourself. It will take a day or two to reach our first destination. We can do the scans and let you know if we find something."

The commander stayed silent, so James slid an arm around her shoulders and coaxed her towards the elevator. They spent the ride up to her cabin in eerie silence, the normally resilient woman appearing completely and utterly destroyed by what had just taken place. Of all the times James had had the inclination to reach out for her, none had been stronger than this. He followed her out of the lift doors, to the entrance of her room, and he thought she might slip in and shut the door on him without even so much as a goodbye. Instead, she left the door wide, allowing him to trail in behind her.

"Do you want me to stay with you for a while?" he inquired, sending out a silent prayer that she would agree.

He got his wish, coming in the form of a monotone whisper, "Yes, please."

Zoe crossed to her bedside table to retrieve a bottle of whiskey from the drawer, popping the top and taking a long, slow draw from it. She dabbed at her lips with the back of her hand, turning to the lieutenant and holding the bottle out to offer it over.

"No thanks," he shook his head, "You should probably take it easy too, Lola."

"God, you sound just like Garrus," she sneered, dropping heavily onto the couch and tossing back another lengthy swig, "No one in their right mind can blame me for wanting to get trashed after that."

James advanced in her direction, sitting beside her and plucking the container from her hands, "You just got out of a situation where someone was treating you like complete shit. Don't start doing the same damn thing to yourself."

"After everything I've done, I'm starting to think I deserve it," the commander made a move to grab the whiskey back, but he was too quick for her, "Dammit, James. Give it back!"

"No," he refused firmly, "I'm not gonna let you do this. I care about you too much to see you beat yourself up like this, Zoe."

Her eyes went saucer-shaped at the sound of her name, "What did you say?"

"I said I care about you too much to see you beat yourself up like this," he repeated, slamming the bottle down on the coffee table, "You don't deserve anything, except for a goddamn break from all this mierda that's been piling on top of you."

"No… not that," the stoic anguish dissolved from her face, slowly replaced by an inkling of a grin, "The part where you said my name…"

James paused, mouth slack in hesitation. He honestly hadn't even realized he'd said it, but now that she'd pointed it out, he noticed it came so naturally that it'd felt like second nature. Why he'd had such a hard time voicing it before, he couldn't say.

Shepard broke the awkward silence with a whispered request, "Say it again?"

"Zoe…" he breathed out softly.

In a flash she was on him, throwing her arms around his neck, and crashing her lips to his with all the unrestrained need and passion that had been building since the day they met. She'd had enough of the waiting, the 'will-they-won't-they' back and forth they'd been dragging themselves through all these months. After the side of him she'd seen back at Dr. Bryson's lab, she'd wanted him more than she ever had before. And upon hearing him give her her name, after waiting so long for it, there was no way she could have stopped herself, even if she'd wanted to.

When she felt him slip his arms around her waist to pull her closer, she crawled her way onto his lap and melted into the embrace. One strong hand slid its way up to her messy bun and gently pulled the holder loose, sending her amethyst hair cascading down her back. He trailed kisses down Zoe's cheek, toward her neck, lingering there as she pressed her body deeper into his.

"James!" she gasped out as he nipped at the soft flesh under her chin, "Dios mio!"

It was the first time she'd spoken his language since that brief moment on the way to the Cerberus lab, when she'd been wasted, and the sound of it, through shuttering breaths, drove the lieutenant absolutely wild. He let out a ragged moan into the hollow of her shoulder, as she dropped her mouth to his ear, taking the lobe in her teeth, and dragging her nails up his neck to the back of his head.

Their lips found each other again, parted and panting, their tongues tangling together in a sensual swirl of motion, as Vega's other hand snaked up the back of the commander's t-shirt, eager to feel the warmth of her supple skin. Shepard brought her hands to his face, cupping his cheeks and sucking at his bottom lip hungrily.

"Zoe," he moaned her name into her mouth when she pulled away for a second, and she breathed in the sound of it deeply, catching his eyes briefly before crushing her mouth to his once more.

Her fingers danced down his chest, tugging at the fabric of his shirt and urging it upwards forcefully. With his help, they pulled it free, and Zoe tossed it carelessly across the room, moving her lips to his muscular shoulder to trail a series of butterfly kisses across it. She paused at the tattoo that marked the side of his neck, grazing her teeth across it, and his breath caught in his throat at the intense sensation.

"Hazme el amor," Shepard whispered, as she skimmed her lips across his collar bone, "Te necesito."

"Shepard, wait," the lieutenant stayed her wandering hands with his own, "Maybe we should take some time and think about this. Take things slow."

It took every ounce of his will to stop it, especially after the way she'd said those last two sentence. He wasn't normally the kind of man that turned down this kind of opportunity, but the commander was different than any other woman he'd pursued in his life. She was still so vulnerable from all the things she'd endured the past few months, and the last thing he wanted to do was take advantage of her. Besides, he knew, without a doubt in his mind, that she was worth the wait.

She pulled away from him abruptly, looking hurt and confused, " _Wait?_ Are you serious? I've been _waiting_ for this since the first week I knew you."

James gave a baffled grin at implication of her words, "You've been wanting it that long?"

"Okay, maybe not that long, but you know what I mean."

"I didn't know you had it so bad for me, Lola," he shifted his hands to her sides and gave them a soft squeeze.

Shepard wriggled under the touch, her face contorting into a pained half-grimace, half-smile. He thought at first he might have hurt her somehow, until she started giggling when he pressed again.

"Mierda, you're _ticklish_?" James sputtered a laugh, "I learn something new about you every day, Commander."

He dug his fingers in harder, relentless in his assault of her sensitive ribs, as she choked and gasped through burst of guffaws, "Stop, dammit! Cease and desist with this attack, or I'll have you dishonorably discharged for abusing your commanding officer!"

"You wouldn't dare, Lola!" he wrapped one arm around her to hold her in place and went for her stomach next, "You like having me around too much."

Shepard kicked and squirmed, fighting her way out of his grasp and scrambling across the couch away from him, still squealing with laughter, "Bullshit. You're just eye candy, Vega. There are plenty of other muscle bound marines out there. You can be replaced."

James lunged at her, pulling her backwards and into his bare chest, mercifully halting the advance for the time being, his voice coming out as a hushed growl against her wavy locks, "You wouldn't really replace me, would you, Zoe?"

"Not in a million years, Jimmy."

She leaned her head back on his shoulder, craning her neck to peer up at him. Her platinum irises shimmered in the dim lights, and when she smirked again, his heart swelled so full of adoration he thought it might burst. Shepard brought a hand up to fiddle with his dog tags, her own heart pounding thunderously in her chest from the rush of it all. They'd finally broken through the barriers of everything that had been standing between them for so long, but she knew well enough that it wasn't as simple as they both wanted so desperately for it to be.

"Zoe… I lo—"

She stopped him quickly with a finger to his lips, "Don't you dare say what I think you're going to say, James."

The lieutenant's brow furrowed in bewilderment, "Why not?"

"You just said we should wait and take things slow," she sat up hesitantly, turning to him and taking his hands in hers, "I know what you're feeling. I feel it too. I have for a while now. But you're right. If we're going to do this, it has to be slow, and easy. No promises, no strings, no room for regret."

"So, friends with benefits?" he grinned cheekily, but her face stayed serious and pensive.

"If that's what you want to call it," Shepard shrugged, putting on an air of indifference, "What I told you before hasn't changed, James. Being with you isn't going to fix me, no more than being with Mel broke me. I was already broken, and I'll stay that way, probably for the rest of my life. Are you really prepared to take on that kind of baggage, when you've got plenty of your own?"

"I can take whatever you can throw at me, Lola," he scooted closer, closing the gap between them as he reached up to push her hair out of her face, "I think I've proven that more than once already."

She let herself smile again, even allowing a light chuckle to escape, "That you have, Lieutenant. You've taken more shit from me than anyone who's ever been a part of my crew, and that's saying something."

"Yeah, well, it's been worth every second."

Zoe cleared her throat awkwardly, her eyes darting down for a split second, "Maybe you should, uh… put your shirt back on. Because I'm not really sure how slow things will go if you stay like that."

"Is that an order, Commander?" he teased, running his thumb along her jawline, his grin widening considerably.

"More like a friendly-with-benefits suggestion," she leaned across the coffee table and grabbed his shirt from the ground, "You know, we're going to have to negotiate these benefits sooner or later."

"Maybe we should make it later?" he offered, "I'm with you. I stay here any longer and I might be eating my words… or, ya know, other things."

She slung the t-shirt over his face and gave him a hard slap to the knee, "Shut up! Put your fucking shirt on and get out of my room, Vega."

"You're so _mean_ , Lola," he pulled his shirt on quickly, and stood to leave, holding a hand out to help her up, "You gonna walk me out?"

She slid her fingers into his, letting him pull her to her feet, and led him towards the door. When they reached it, she spun around to face him, encircling his neck, and going up on her tip toes to kiss him again.

_Called that one_ , he thought back to the day on Earth when they'd had the footrace up the stairs, and he'd noticed how short she was.

"Goodnight, Zoe," he reached up to brush her cheek leisurely with the tips of his fingers.

"Goodnight, James," she receded from the embrace reluctantly, and he turned to step out into the hall, but she called out one more request, "Hey, uh… This is probably obvious, it's best if we keep this on the down low for now."

"You got it, hermosa," he threw her one final wink as he crossed into the elevator, "Hope you have better dreams tonight."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I will."

* * *

The commander and her lieutenant spent the next few days, while the ship was traveling through the galaxy towards their destination, in a dream-like trance. It was, at times, as if they were the only two people on the entire frigate. There hadn't been many opportunities for more steamy make-out sessions, and they were finding it difficult to keep their hands off each other while out in the open. Though, James had returned to the shuttle bay on more than one occasion with maroon stains decorating his neck and shirt collar, pulling plenty of snicker and jibes from Cortez, in turn.

However, as much as they enjoyed their rolls in the hay, they spent most of their time bonding over their pasts, getting to know each other on a whole other level than they had before. James had opened up about life under his father's roof, and Zoe had let him get a rare glimpse into the things she'd been tangled up in in her teen years. She could tell he was put off, at first, when she confessed that she'd been addicted to drugs when she was only fifteen, and that she'd had a pretty serious drinking problem in the time she'd worked with Cerberus. But he was surprisingly understanding and reassuring in the end. They had become so completely comfortable in such a short time after accepting their feelings that it was as if they'd been that way for years.

But now, after finally coercing Leviathan to join their cause, Shepard was sick — sick as a fucking dog. After plunging into the chilly depths of the ocean, being trapped inside a frigid machine for who knew how long exactly, and the rain that had drenched them to the bone almost the entire time, there was almost no way she could have avoided it. And to add on top of it all, the stress of Leviathan's probing into her brain had left her vision blurred and her head pounding for hours afterward.

She couldn't remember a time in her life she'd ever felt so miserable, and Zoe spent the next two days after the mission stalking around the ship wrapped up in a fuzzy purple blanket, almost constantly nursing cups of hot peppermint tea. James had proven to be nearly as good of a doctor as Karin. The first night she'd come down with the illness, he'd gone all out, making her some kind of mystery broth soup for supper, and though she was unsure about it at first, it was decidedly one of the most scrumptious things she'd ever eaten.

_At least one of us can cook,_ she had thought, managing to avoid mentioning to him that he should never let her help in the kitchen, lest she take the whole ship out in a fiery explosion.

Poor Tali wouldn't come anywhere near her, nor would the majority of the rest of the crew. James and Ashley had been the only two people, besides Doctor Chakwas, that were brave enough to grace her presence the whole time she was incapacitated. For the most part, things had returned to normal with the commander and the LC; as close to the old days as it possibly could be with all the water under the bridge of their relationship. However, the stately brunette was just as dutiful as she'd always been, and it was about to cause Shepard an inordinate amount of unwarranted strife.

"Hey, Commander," Ashley slid into the seat next to Shepard in the mess, as the older woman sipped her fourth cup of peppermint tea for the day, "I need to talk to you about something."

"Okay," Zoe's throat was still rough and her nose stuffy from all the congestion in her sinuses, making it hard to form too many words at once, "Shoot."

"I'm kind of concerned about what I've been hearing about you and the lieutenant," the LC narrowed her eyes, "Is it true that the two of you have been fraternizing?"

"Shit…" Shepard dropped her forehead down hard on the table, "No… why do you ask?"

"I know you're lying, Shepard. I warned you about this kind of thing the last time you visited me at Huerta. You told me nothing was going to happen."

"We're not... _technically_ doing anything. It's just a bit of fun, nothing serious... I guess. I don't — How did you know, anyway?" Zoe lifted her head back up, a look of realization sparking in her eyes, "Joker."

"He's always been as gossipy as an old woman," Ashley gave a snarky smirk, but didn't look genuinely amused in the slightest, "Look, I don't want the two of you to get in trouble. The lieutenant is a good guy, and an amazing soldier. But, as your second in command, it's my responsibility to report this kind of thing. I could get in just as much trouble as you if I don't report it, and the higher ups find out I knew something."

"You're a Spectre, Ash," the commander's face darkened with incredulity, "The only person that would get in trouble for this is James. Would you really report us just because it's your 'duty'?"

"You know I'm loyal to you, ma'am, but I'm more loyal to the rules," the brunette gave a regretful sigh, "I'm sorry, but if you don't break it off, I'll have to file a report. I don't want to, I really don't, but it's my—"

Zoe cut her off, her tone biting and annoyed, "Duty, yeah, I get it. You know, I was just starting to think we were going to be able to get along, but your job has always been more important than making friends, hasn't it?"

"This isn't about our friendship, Shepard. I know you don't believe me, but I've got your best interests at heart. You're right, the lieutenant is the only one that faces real trouble if the Alliance finds out, and I know the last thing you want is to ruin the promising career of such a talented marine."

The lieutenant-commander's words weren't condescending, or hateful; they were fraught with sincere worry for her leader. Zoe knew, deep down, that she was right, but it had taken her so long to get to this point, breaking it off with James now would feel as if she'd lost almost an entire year of progress in her life. The thought alone sent her into a tailspin of regression, the guilt and fear welling up inside of her all over again, as if it had never left in the first place.

_I should have thought this through. We should have talked about it more before I made that stupid move on him. What was I thinking…_

"Dammit," Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose, causing the pressure in her nasal cavity to release for a brief moment, just to clog right back up instantly when she let go, "I don't need this right now."

"Sorry, ma'am," Ashley's mouth twisted down into a contrite grimace, "I wish it was easier for you, and that we didn't even have to have this talk. But, rules are rules, and I thought it would be better to talk to you about it than just act. I wanted to give you a chance to sort it out before it got out of hand."

"Mhm," Zoe refused to look at the other woman, trying hard not to apply too much sarcasm to her tone, "Thanks for the warning, Ash. I'll handle it tonight."

At that, the commander shot up from her seat, abandoning her tea cup, but pulling her blanket tightly around her neck, as she darted off in the direction of the elevator. She was somewhat surprised by the fact that she didn't have the urge to cry; it seemed like she'd been doing that a lot the past few months — more so than any other time in her life. Instead, she wanted to scream, to punch and break things. The last thing she wanted to do was end things with Vega before they'd even had an opportunity to officially begin.

When she reached her cabin, she punched the call button for the shuttle bay with such force that it almost knocked the device on its side, "James, I need to talk to you."

"On my way, Zoe."

_Why the hell did he have to say that… just call me anything but my name right now, please, Jimmy…_

Shepard stomped down the stairs, and threw herself face down on the bed in a huff, not even looking up from the mattress when the lieutenant entered the room. She could hear his heavy boot steps cross over to her, and felt the mattress sink slightly as he sat down next to her. Only now that he was here next to her did she feel like dissolving into a sobbing mess.

"What's up, Lola?" he reached a hand out and began to rub circles across her back, but she rolled away from his touch, keeping her face hidden by the furry amethyst blanket she'd been carrying around for two days.

"We can't do this anymore," she began, her voice muffled and hard to understand through the obstruction.

"What? Zoe, I can hardly hear you," he tugged at the blanket, surprised when she let it fall free — even more surprised by the heartbroken look in her eyes.

"I said, we can't do this anymore," she pulled the cover slowly out of his hand and back in front of her face, but left her mouth free this time, "I have to… break up with you? Is that stupid to say? We weren't even technically together, but—"

He cut her off mid-babble, "I'm guessing you had a talk with the LC."

Zoe sat up abruptly, "She talked to you, too?"

"Nah, Esteban said she was being nosey lately, asking a lot of questions about us. Figured she'd have something to say to you sooner or later. That woman is as by-the-book as it gets," he dropped his gaze to the floor, "She's got a point, though."

"Unfortunately," Shepard drug her hands across her face wearily, "It's probably for the best, to stop it now, before it could go too far."

"How can you say that?" he whipped his head around, glaring at her spitefully, "After everything that we went through to get to that point, and you're just gonna say fuck it?"

"You could be demoted, James! They could easily pull you off the Normandy and reassign you. Or, worse yet, you could be dishonorably discharged! This is why I didn't even want to do this in the first place. You had to know we'd end up here eventually. So, yeah, it's a good thing that we're facing it this soon. It would never have been easy being with me. I'm almost constantly staring death in the face. Everyone in the galaxy knows who I am. It's not as if you could take me out to dinner, or the movies, on an actual date. You deserve better than that. You deserve to have someone that can give you all of themselves, but I'm already promised to every other person in the universe, just because of who I am…"

As she spoke the last sentence, James stood and began walking towards the exit. His jaw was set tight and his fist clenched so hard that his blanched knuckles contrasted harshly against his tanned flesh. He didn't say a word, simply ascended the steps to approach the exit.

"Where are you going?" Zoe scooted to the end of the bed and pushed herself up to stand, her head aching and feeling like an overinflated balloon.

"You said enough when you said you didn't want to do it in the first place. I'm outta here."

She shot towards him, but he refused to turn around, "I didn't mean it like that!"

He stayed silent as he crossed over the threshold and let the door snap closed between them.

"James!" Shepard cried, to the empty space in front of her, "Goddammit!"

Beside her, on the desk, the husk head let out a high-pitched screech, making Zoe almost jump out of her shoes. She spun on the thing, swiping a pen from the stack of data pads near by, and shoving it violently into the monster's beady blue eye. It made a creepy, gurgling noise as the fight drained out of it and fell silent, slumped over, dripping tarry black ooze onto the surface underneath it.

"Fucking fuck! Fuck! _Fuuuuck!_ "

She picked up her old N7 helmet and slung it across the room, barely missing the fragile glass of the fish tank. Next, she set in on the desk, letting out a bellowing roar as she flung her arm across it, sending dozens of data pads clanging to the ground. She twirled around on her toes, coming face to face with Space Hamster, who was sniffing at the glass curiously, no doubt wondering what all the ruckus was about.

"Don't look at me like that, Fernando," she spoke to the tiny creature as if it could understand her, "I have a right to be pissed. I ruin everything I touch."

"No you don't, Shepard," a squeaky voice called out from seemingly nowhere, but Zoe soon realized it was coming from the intercom overhead.

"Joker, don't start…"

"We love you, Commander," the pilot continued, in the same cartoonish animal voice, "You're the best! Please don't be sad."

"You know, this is partially your fault, Moreau. If you could keep your damn mouth shut for any amount of time, I wouldn't be in this mess," she glared furiously at the speaker, hoping he could feel the heat of her wrathful gaze somehow all the way through the comm system.

"Come on, Shepard. I was just tryin' to lighten the mood," he let his voice go normal, finally, "And, I mean, it's not like I was eves dropping or anything. EDI's the one that told me what happened."

"But _EDI_ didn't make you blabber it to the rest of the goddamn ship, did she?"

"I don't 'blabber'," he replied, defensively, "I just _casually_ mentioned it to Steve. Pilots talk — similar interests and all that. Ashley just kind of overheard, I guess."

"So, your similar interests involve my and the lieutenant's relationship issues?" Zoe was quickly losing her patience with him, and it was probably for the best that Jeff was hidden away down n the cockpit, or she would have knocked him into next week.

"Yeah, actually. You're one of my best friends, Shep. And James is the same to Cortez. So, _yeah_ , I guess you could say we're a little bit invested in your happiness. We were celebrating the fact that you got it the hell over with already. We were excited for you, Commander. Can you really blame us? You could have cut the sexual tension with a knife from the first day you guys came aboard together. Damn."

"Just… leave me alone, Jeff. I'm sick as hell; I just ruined the first good thing to happen to me in years; I want to stab a fork in Ashley and tell her she's done… And I think I killed my husk head," Zoe let out a pathetic whimper, and she could hear Joker on the other end attempting to stifle a laugh.

"You _what?_ "

"Just go _away_ , Moreau."

"Yeah, okay. But, look… I'm sorry Shepard. Really."

"Yeah… me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hazme el amor. Te necesito. = Make love to me. I need you.
> 
> Oh no! I hope I didn't hurt your hearts too bad. Poor Zoe & James, will they ever catch a break? Z & J - My sweet children, I'm so sorry for being so horrible to you, but don't worry, it will all work itself out in the end, I promise!


	21. A Good Talking To

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with a few more new chapters. Still trying to get this caught up with how far I've post on FF. Let's see if I can get it there today O.o

Husks had been one thing, but cannibals, marauders, brutes, and fucking _banshees…_ The level of creep factor in the enemy ranks these days was bordering on horror vid levels. Especially with all of them contained inside one single facility. The eeriness of Sanctuary did nothing to quell the heebie-jeebies, looking itself like the set of a scary movie — the kind where everyone went running for their lives and no one got out in one piece. When Shepard had flipped a light on in the tunnels, to see a huge group of husks scatter like cockroaches, she'd just about leapt out of her skin. When one of them pounced onto the glass, right at her face, she did jump, right into Vega's waiting arms.

"Don't fucking laugh, asshole," she shoved away from him, smoothing her hair back and putting on an unaffected air.

"Sorry, Lola, but you shoulda seen your face," James gasped between burst of guffaws.

"Do you, uh… need to head back to the Normandy and change into some clean pants, Shepard?" Garrus started in.

"God, why do I put up with you two?" Shepard pretended to be entirely put off by the display, but she couldn't stop the smile from breeching her steely death glare.

She'd wanted to bring Ashley along to Horizon, as a way to give some closure to the unhappy reunion that had happened there on their last visit, but she was still too infuriated with the LC to even look her in the face. James had been avoiding Shepard for the last two days, giving her the cold shoulder every time they were in the same room, completely ignoring the numerous messages and requests to talk that she sent him almost constantly. She reasoned that taking him out on the ground team would give him something to let his aggression out on. If he need to look all those Reapers in the eye and picture her face on every one of their heads to get over it, so be it.

_At least he's near by and talking to me now… sort of…_

"Come on, let's get moving. This place gives me the creeps," Zoe led the way out of the room, sneering disgustedly at the husks that slithered up the glass as she went.

Much to the commander's dismay, the next room they entered led to a vid console giving them a heads up to the fact that Kai Leng was hot on Miranda's trail, then straight into a room crawling with the blueish zombie-like monstrosities. As if that weren't enough, what Shepard heard on a terminal nearby caused her infinitely more stress than anything before it, on this particular mission anyway.

"Thanks to the efforts of my colleague, Mr. Daniel Shepard, we've confirmed the results of Cerberus experiments involving the husk creatures," Henry Lawson's voice emanated from the device, sending a chill down the commander's spine at the mention of the familiar name, "Due to his generous donations and countless hours spent developing new technology for our operation, we've been able to make this crude, but necessary first step in decoding how the Reapers communicate…"

Whatever he said next, Zoe didn't hear. It was if she was caught in a wind tunnel, her ears roaring with too much to process at once. Garrus placed a hand on her shoulder, and she didn't notice she was swaying until she felt the steadying touch.

"Daniel Shepard? Is that who I think it is?" the turian inquired, but there was a dreadful certainty shadowing his face.

"My father…" she nodded gravely, gradually coming back to herself, "Should have figured the Illusive Man would recruit him eventually. Seems he's pulling out all the stops these days to get under my skin."

"Commander, I think we might have some movement in the hall," James pointed the barrel of his rifle toward the corridor nearby, "Probably some Reapers left over from the attack."

"Good. I really need to shoot something right now," Shepard growled, unholstering her Mattock and barreling out into the hallway with vengeance in her eyes.

The battle they stepped into, like every one that came before it this time around, was grueling and much more difficult than was customary. Without their usual playful, flirtatious dynamic, Zoe and James weren't working as well together as they normally did. It was almost as if they were fighting against each other, instead of in tandem. The strain of it all was beginning to wear on their turian cohort, and as they put down the last of the enemies, he reached his wit's end, unable to keep his mouth shut about it any longer.

"If you two don't get your heads in the game, I'm going to knock you both out and take care of this one myself," he sneered, slinging his rifle into its holster with an agitated shake of his head, "People wonder why there are rules against fraternizing. Here's your answer. When shit hits the fan, heads roll because your mind is everywhere but in the fight."

"Stuff a sock in it, Vakarian. You know damn good and well there are a million other things on my mind besides what you're implying," Shepard snarled, storming towards him vehemently, but there was a glimmer of hurt hidden behind the anger, "I thought you'd be the last one to get on me about that shit."

"Now isn't exactly the time to be having this conversation," James interjected, "We got work to do. Let's get moving, yeah?"

"Of course, _Commander_ ," she threw the lieutenant a nasty grimace, "Whatever you say."

"Hey, I'm not trying to start something with you, Shepard," he returned the expression with equal animosity, "I'm just trying to get the job done. That's the only thing that's important, right?"

"Fuck off, Jimmy. You know I had good reasons for what I did. It's not my fault you shut me out and wouldn't even let me explain! You think I don't want you, but you're _wrong_. You're all I want! You're the _only thing_ in my life I've ever wanted to be selfish about, but I can't because you're right; the job _is_ the most important thing. And I need every single one of my crew to do it. I can't afford to lose any of you. Now, I don't want another goddamn word about this out of either one of you for the rest of the mission! Am I making myself fucking clear?!"

All the two stunned men could do was nod in response. This was not going anything like Shepard had expected, but James had made his point, and so had Garrus. In that moment, she hated them both for being right. And she hated Ashley even more than she ever did before. She was one big, seething ball of animosity, as she stomped off into the next room, without a care in the galaxy as to whether or not either of them decided to follow her.

They continued on in a painfully awkward silence, only speaking when necessity called for it. With every terminal they investigated, more and more information came forth linking Zoe's biological father to the horrors that were taking place in Sanctuary. She wanted to care, for it to hurt as much as all the other betrayals that had come before it, but she was so despondent at that point that it was as if her body had been pumped full of novocain. The reality of it all didn't even completely hit her until they ran across a console that contained a video that Miranda claimed as proof that her own father was working with Cerberus. The two paternal figures were there, together, in the footage, discussing their progress over a comm with none other than the Illusive Man himself, ending the video with a friendly handshake.

The sight of Daniel Shepard's face, after over two decades of distance between them, sent Zoe's blood running like lava through her veins, slow and thick and scorching. She was already considerably revved up by the verbal lashing she'd given her two comrades, and couldn't help but pray that the man would show his face when they reached their destination. There was no way she'd repeat the same mistakes she had with Melloria. Shepard had no semblance of attachment to the man, and to see him meet a gruesome end by her hands would please her to no end, after the things she'd seen taking place inside Sanctuary.

They were getting close to the tower, and Miranda's position, when they stumbled into a room teeming with brutes and a single banshee skulking around in the distance. Zoe was done caring; she was so done with everything at that point that it was no longer a concern to her whether she made it out or not. Someone would take her place, she was sure. There were plenty of other people in the galaxy with equal ability and moxy as she.

_Let someone else do the dirty work for a change…_

Shepard pulled her Mattock from its holster and deployed her omni-blade, bounding over a break in the walkway to charge at the nearest brute's snarling face. She could hear James and Garrus cursing her in the background, but she was so set on hurting the grotesque monstrosity that they may as well have been speaking another language for all she knew. Zoe stabbed into the meaty flesh at it's neck as it lunged towards her, almost taking her head off with its razor sharp fangs. She dodged backwards just in time, yanking the blade free and bringing her rifle to the opposite side of the behemoth's throat, emptying her thermal clip into its brain. It fell to the ground with a heavy thud and she mounted it, climbing to the peak of it's back, whooping and hollering to get the attention of the other beasts in the distance.

"Commander, I thought Chakwas told you no more hand to hand with brutes!" James called out, as he fired a devastating carnage blast at the banshee, finally putting an end to its infernal screeching.

"What, are you gonna tell on me, Lieutenant? Seems like that's the thing these days."

Shepard hopped down from the brute's back, barreling towards the next one, never losing her momentum as it swiped one massive paw at her. She ducked and rolled underneath it, spearing its back haunch and firing round after round into its ribcage. The terror squealed in pain, arching backwards, leaving its massive chest open for Zoe to spin around and stab into the fleshy expanse of skin. She drug the omni-blade down forcefully, the guts and organs that spilled forth splattering onto her face as she bounded backwards before the thing had a chance to collapse on top of her.

While she'd been busy with her massacre, James and Garrus were having great difficulty taking down the third behemoth. It seemed to be much more swift and intelligent than its twin counterparts. It dodged and took cover, like none they'd ever seen before it do. When Shepard's second kill went down, the last monster jerked around to focus its attention on her.

"Shepard!" Garrus shouted a warning, "Its got you in its sights!"

Zoe made a move to sprint towards cover but the brute charged, smashing violently into her with its hulking shoulder. She went toppling backwards, her head slamming into a metallic column, her vision wavering long enough for the thing to swipe it's taloned hand forward and scoop her up in its clutches. The monstrosity squeezed her tightly, the screeching sound of her armor buckling under the pressure resounding sharply through the atmosphere, as it lifted her high in the air and slammed her into the ground roughly, before tossing her across the corridor. Shepard tumbled along the floor, a pulsing ache in the back of her skull, blood pooling into her left eye from a gash on her forehead.

She brought herself to her hands and knees while the thing advanced towards her again, unfazed by the nicking of gunshots that rained across it's back from the other two soldiers. Shepard scrambled towards her rifle as the beast roared ferociously, charging its power to ram her again. But before it could take off the lieutenant came barreling towards it, deploying his omni-blade and slamming it into the Reaper's side with the force of his entire body. The terror bellowed again, turning on Vega and knocking him backwards, as Zoe grabbed at the grenades in her belt, her movements fumbling and disoriented from the trauma to her head.

The commander finally managed to pull the grenade free while in the distance, Garrus struggled to pull the lieutenant out of harms way. Shepard stood shakily, hollering at the creature to call its attention back to her as she set free her own omni-blade and began stalking towards it, her eyes on fire with a horrifying thirst for retribution. The thing was too weak to charge now but it mimicked her movements, dragging itself forward, growling and snarling with equal savagery. At the last second, as the thing was about it sweep its pincer at her again she darted underneath it, twisting around and pulling the pin on the grenade, as she stuffed it into the gapping wound the lieutenant had opened before.

"Take cover!" she cried to her comrades, as she dashed away, using her last ounce of strength to roll behind a barrier nearby, while the monster struggled to claw the device from its hip.

A moment later, the grenade let off its final warning beep and the brute was torn nearly in two by the powerful explosion. Shepard was woozy and still bleeding profusely from the cut above her brow, but she forced herself to stand and make her way over to her squad mates.

"Is everyone alright?" she managed, through the seething pains in her ribcage.

"Damn, Shepard," the lieutenant eyed the bodies of the three mutilated brutes in disbelief, as he brushed himself off and approached her, "You got lucky as hell. I thought that last one was gonna take you out for real."

"So… three brutes for me. One banshee between the two of you. Looks like I win this round," the words came flat and monotone from the commander's quivering lips.

It might have been a joke at one point, but there wasn't a hint of the characteristic mischief that would normally be dancing inside her pale, steely eyes. Instead, her face was cold, placid, as if she was sincerely disappointed that the brutes hadn't taken her out completely. Something about her was different now, and the sensation it gave off sent a frigid shiver of disquiet across James' entire body.

"Move out," Shepard ordered, as she swiped the blood from her eye, her tone still bitterly emotionless, "Miranda's still in trouble. We need to get to the tower, now."

"Are you gonna be okay, Lola?" Vega stepped towards her, reaching a hand out to touch her arm, but she quickly moved away.

"What do you care? And it's _'Commander'_ , Lieutenant. I told you once before, you could use a little more deference," she forced herself to march away, ignoring the overwhelming anguish that was coursing through every inch of her, without even bothering to look at him, "You should know by now, I can take care of myself."

* * *

"Shepard!" Miranda sat slumped behind a desk as they entered the room, bleeding steadily from a shallow gash in her side, "Be careful."

Zoe crept into the room, her assault rifle drawn and ready to blow the brains out of whatever might be standing in her way. Henry Lawson stood poised in the middle of the expanse, holding Oriana in a headlock, his own firearm raised in defense. Though he was desperately trying to hide it, he appeared terrified — and rightfully so. The commander was looking considerably more fierce and bloodthirsty than usual.

"Commander Shepard," Henry grimaced in disgust, "Excellent timing."

"Put the gun down, Lawson," Zoe sneered, closing in on the older man quickly, "Don't make me tell you twice."

"No. Oriana tried to _shoot_ me. Miranda's poisonous influence, no doubt," he was trying to keep his voice steady, but as Shepard inched closer, she could see the determination fading from his eyes.

"I'm sorry she missed. Trust me, I won't make the same mistake," Zoe halted her advance finally, her two squad mates taking up position on either side of her, "Where's Kai Leng… and Daniel?"

"I don't know where Kai Leng is. He killed Daniel and stole my research, leaving us all here to die."

"Goddammit," she spat, irritated beyond belief that she wasn't the one to end the life of the man that had caused her so much pain in her childhood, "Miranda, you doing okay back there?"

She could hear the brunette stirring behind her, grunting and panting as she pushed herself off the floor. Henry turned the gun on his older daughter, finger poised on the trigger, but trembling despite himself.

"That's close enough," the old man threatened, "Kai Leng didn't finish the job, but I will."

"You won't get a fucking chance," Zoe snarled, taking another step towards him, "This ends today."

"On the contrary. Now that the Reapers are taken care of, we have a way out," he tightened his grip on Oriana's throat, drawing a terrified yelp from the young woman.

"Let her go, now!" the commander ordered, as Miranda turned to her with forlorn, pleading eyes.

"Please don't let him take her, Shepard," the brunette whispered shakily.

"Shepard, help me, please," Oriana gasped out, tears brimming on the edges of her eyelids.

Zoe dropped her gun to the ground, stepping towards the older man, making no move to draw a different weapon. She came right up on him, the same way she had when Mel confronted her on the Citadel, so close the barrel of his firearm was nearly pressing into her throat.

"Shepard, what the hell are you doing?" Garrus growled, anxiously.

She raised a hand to shut him up, focusing all of her attention and stabbing platinum gaze on Lawson, "I've got no problem with you. I just want Oriana and the research data."

"You're brave, I'll give you that much. But you want a lot," he shoved the gun forcefully into her neck, but she refused to flinch.

"I'm brave because I have those two right behind me," she threw a thumb over her shoulder to indicate her male cohorts, "You see that turian back there? Best headshot kill ratio in all of the known universe. And that marine on the other side? Faster than he looks. He'd be behind you, snapping your neck before you even had a chance to blink. Now, you can give me the girl, and the research, and leave with your life, or we can make things a lot more complicated than they have to be."

The man narrowed his eyes, scanning over the team skeptically, but Shepard could tell her words had shattered his resilience, "Alright, take her… But I want out alive. Deal?"

He shoved Oriana towards Zoe, a little sooner than he should have, because a second later, the commander was yanking the young woman out of the way so that Miranda could assail her father with a powerful biotic blast. The man sailed backwards, crashing through the pane of glass behind him, plummeting to his death.

"No deal," the brunette quipped, relief visibly flooding over her, as she turned her attention to his sister, "Did he hurt you, Ori? Are you alright?"

Shepard trudged away from the reunion, retrieving her gun from where she'd discarded it and returning it to its rightful place on her back. James stepped cautiously towards her, distress apparent in his eyes.

"What the hell were you thinking? You're acting suicidal, Shepard. This ain't like you," he shook his head in dismay, "After all the shit you gave me about not throwing myself into the fire… Why are you acting like this?"

"Maybe I just figured out that I don't have anything to live for anymore," her voice came laced with stark apathy, "What does it matter if I die? Someone else can step up and fight the Reapers. I'm through."

"You don't mean that," his brow knit with worry, his words taking on a severe tone, "Don't let Ashley and Garrus get to you. We've made it through worse than this together. I'm sorry I shut you out before, but once we get back onboard, if you still want to talk, I'm ready."

"There's nothing to talk about, Lieutenant," she whipped around and stomped back towards the two sisters, "What's done is done."

" _Mierda,_ " he seethed through gritted teeth, as Garrus approached from behind, and placed a placating hand on his armored back.

"She'll come around, just give her time," the turian assured his friend.

"I'm fucking sick and tired of waiting for her to _'come around'_ ," with the irritation welling inside him, it was hard for him to keep his volume low, "Why the hell is it so hard for her to let someone love her?"

Garrus' eyes shot wide, obviously taken aback by the choice of wordage, "Love, huh? You haven't told her that, have you?"

"No, she wouldn't let me," he might have been embarrassed by the admission at any other point, but right then he was too close to losing his cool to care what his comrade thought, "She shut me up when I tried, then a few days later she shut me out completely."

"Let's go, we're done here," Shepard called from the opposite side of the room, as she finished tapping commands into a nearby console to send out a warning on the wire about the dangers of the facility, "Cortez, we need a pickup at the tower."

"Roger that," came Steve's quick reply.

Shepard scanned the room one last time, disgust pooling in her stomach over everything that had ever happened on the godforsaken planet, "I've had enough of this place…"

* * *

"I feel like I'm being interrogated," Shepard sneered, as she leaned back in Doctor Chakwas' chair in the medbay, letting the woman poke and prod at the lacerations that covered her arms and sides, "Is this the Normandy Inquisition or something?"

"After the way you acted on Horizon, you can't expect me not to have questions, Shepard," Karin narrowed her eyes as she rubbed a dose of medi-gel onto the swollen lesion on the commander's forehead, "Now, answer me. Have you been taking your medication?"

The younger woman let out a vehement growl of frustration, "No… I haven't. You know I've always been bad at remembering. A lot has happened lately. It slips my mind."

"There's a lot more slipping away from you than remembering to take your medicine, Commander. I had a talk with Garrus while you were updating Hackett. He tells me you've broken things off with the lieutenant, and that the two of you are having trouble getting along."

"Yeah, you can thank our illustrious lieutenant commander for that. She threatened to report us."

"Is that so?" Karin crossed her arms and raised a silvery eyebrow, "Perhaps we should have Miss Williams join us for this interrogation then?"

"No!" Zoe shot forward abruptly, but a driving pain stabbed through her ribs at the rapid movement, effectively knocking her back into the seat, "She's the last person in the known universe that I want to see right now."

"Exactly why I feel she should join us," the doctor turned towards the intercom, "EDI, can you please let Lieutenant Commander Williams know I'd like to see her here in the medbay?"

"Right away, Doctor."

"Fuck this," the commander struggled to hoist herself up, met by a firm shove back down by Karin.

"Don't even think about leaving this room in your condition. You're lucky enough that I didn't force you into that bed and strap you down, young lady," the doctor's eye clouded with aggravation, "You are going to sit in that chair until I'm done looking you over, and then we are going to have a long, heartfelt talk with Miss Williams, to sort this all out once and for all. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, _mother_ …"

"You keep calling me that as if it's supposed to be an insult, but if I ever were to have had a daughter, I would have been proud for her to turn out exactly like you… for the most part, anyway. Perhaps not quite so bullheaded."

Zoe felt her anger wither at the sentiment, "Thanks Karin… I wish the mom I did have had been more like you."

"You wanted to see me, ma'am?" Ashley sauntered casually into the room, but when she noticed the commander's condition, her eyes shot wide with concern, "Commander, are you alright? Don't you think you should be lying down?"

"So, _now_ you're concerned about my wellbeing?" Shepard scoffed, "It's too little too late for that, Ash."

To add to Shepard's frustration, the LC had the audacity to look her over with a hurt expression, "I know you're mad at me, ma'am, but I was just trying to—"

"Have a seat, Lieutenant Commander," Karin interjected, pulling a chair forward and offering it to the brunette, "I'd like to attempt to negotiate an armistice between the two of you."

"I know you don't understand—" Ashley tried again, but was cut off by the commander this time.

"No, I don't, and I'm not going to. After everything you put me through on Horizon, and afterwards," Zoe shook her head rapidly, a disgusted grimace pulling at her upper lip, "All I did and said to convince you to trust me again… I actually fooled myself into thinking we could be friends. You're an amazing soldier, Williams, but sometimes, you're an insufferable bitch!"

"Name calling will not be necessary, Commander," Chakwas pursed her lips, turning her attention to the LC, "Miss Williams, let me tell you a little something you might not know about our commander. She suffers from severe depression and mild post traumatic stress disorder."

Shepard jerked up in the chair again, anger flaring on her face, "Karin! What the hell? Have you never heard of a little something called doctor-patient confidentiality?"

"Close friends generally share that kind of thing about themselves, Shepard. If you want to be Ashley's friend — if you want to become closer to _anyone_ — it's high time you started asking for help, instead of pretending like you're made entirely of iron. Now, as I was saying, Ashley; the commander can be quite brusque at times, but underneath that hardened exterior, she's suffering… at least, she was, until a certain lieutenant stumbled into her life. I know how dedicated you are, Miss Williams, but is your duty really more important than your commanding officer's mental health?"

"Uh—Of course not," the LC dropped her gaze to her hands, wringing her fingers together, her brow draw tight in contemplation, "I never thought about it like that, honestly. Shepard always seems to have it all together. I… I didn't realize."

"I had an inkling you may not have," Chakwas clicked her tongue on her teeth, mulling over her next words before continuing, "Back on the SR-1 the two of you used to fight like cats and dogs. Or, like sisters, if you will. You were almost constantly at each others throats, but you always found a way around it, and soon after, you were laughing and cutting up as if nothing had ever happened. Is the bending of, in my opinion, an utterly ridiculous rule really worth ruining possibly your last and final chance to reconcile? Lieutenant Commander, everyone else on this ship is astute enough to know when to speak up on a questionable issue regarding conduct, and when to keep their mouths zipped tight because the aforementioned issue isn't harming anyone. Which one of those does this particular issue seem like to you?"

"The… second one, ma'am," Ashley rubbed at her forehead with her fingertips, "I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry, Commander. Ever since what happened with Udina, I haven't been myself. I've been so wrapped up in making sure I did everything right…"

"It doesn't matter, Ash. It's over now, for good," Zoe slung herself back into the chair, crossing her arms like an unruly teenager, "There's no coming back from the things I said. He'll hardly talk to me, and I can't blame him. So, your work here is done. You can rest easy now knowing you brought justice to the Normandy. God knows our forbidden romance might have brought her careening into the sun at any minute."

"Don't make me start with you again, Shepard," Karin spun towards the commander, an expression of exasperation drawing her face into a sour scowl, "The lieutenant commander has apologized, and I expect she's seriously reconsidering her stance on the matter. Am I correct?"

Ashley gave a firm nod, "Yes, ma'am."

"Excellent. Now, I believe its your turn, Commander."

"For what? An _apology?_ I didn't do anything!"

"I'm not speaking specifically about Miss Williams," the doctor narrowed her gaze again, "If you truly did say some regrettable things to the lieutenant, then perhaps its a good idea to tell him you're sorry."

"I already tried! I told you, he's barely speaking to me!" Zoe yanked the clasp from her bun to let her hair fall free, twisting her fingers through it and tugging at the roots, "What else am I supposed to do?"

"I could have a talk with him," the LC offered, "I kind of feel like I need to apologize to him too."

"No!" Shepard shot a warning glare at the brunette, "You've caused enough trouble between us as it is."

"And if you don't change your attitude, he's not going to want to reconcile anymore," Karin rubbed at her temples, the unrelenting hardheadedness of the commander clearly wearing on her patience, "I had Garrus go have a talk with him. Something tells me he'll be much more willing to converse in a day or two, once he cools off a bit."

"You did _what?_ Why the hell does everyone suddenly feel the need to meddle in our relationship? Or, lack there of, as it were…" Zoe blew out a heavy breath, her head still reeling from the injury she'd suffered in Sanctuary, the condition only exacerbated by the circles the conversation seemed to be traveling in, "I'm done with this conversation. I'm going to my room."

"The hell you are," Chakwas stared her down threateningly, "Where you're going is into that bed over there, so that I can keep an eye on you while you heal. You should be well enough by tomorrow to go wherever you please, but for the night, you're staying right here. And do not try to fight me on this."

"Whatever you say, mother…"

Shepard was tired of arguing, tired of everyone around her. Every last one of them were too nosey for their own good. She was too irritated and in too much pain to care that they all had her best interests at heart — right now she wanted to kick every single crew member straight out of the airlock and finish this godforsaken war by herself. Zoe pushed up out of the chair and drug herself towards the bed, shrugging away Ashley's attempt to help her across the room. She was feeling embittered, her entire soul engulfed in resentment that she didn't have the energy to shake off.

Without saying another word, the lieutenant commander made her way out, tossing Shepard another forlorn look of remorse. The commander pulled herself up onto the bed and collapsed onto her good side, soreness penetrating her every molecule, her body almost as broken as her mind. The brute easily could have taken her out, but she'd fought just as viciously as ever, though the whole time, even up to this very point, she'd been wishing she would have just given up and let death take her.

"I'm upping your medication, Commander," Chakwas stepped up to the bedside with a syringe full of syrupy orange liquid, "I'll give you the first dose via injection, but I expect you to begin taking it, diligently, from now on. I'll have EDI set a reminder on your personal terminal so you won't forget."

"Fine. I don't care anymore," Shepard growled, burying her face into the mattress and clenching her teeth to prepare for the sting of the needle.

"Exactly the reason why I'm doubling your dosage. EDI has been keeping me well informed on the escalation of your nightmares. She says you've woken up screaming and thrashing an innumerable amount of times in the past few weeks… except for last week. There was a bit of a lull. Care to explain why you think they may have subsided?"

"James…" the reply came as a barely audible whisper, and Zoe wanted to blame the sting of tears on the sharp jab to her hip, but she knew it wasn't the true cause, "They didn't stop entirely, but I did dream of other things in between that made them more bearable."

"Just talk to him, Shepard. Even if you decide not to pursue anything further, at least attempt to return things to some semblance of civility. He cares about you very much, and so do I. So, please, remember what I told you when you returned from Thessia; be selfish for once in your life. You're still so young, and yet you act as if your life is already over. Who knows how many days any of us have left with the way the world is being torn apart. _Live_ , while you still can, Zoe."

"I know… I know. You're right. But it's not that simple anymore. We're not just two kids with an innocent crush. We're adults, who are in—" Shepard stopped herself, still not completely comfortable with such a commitment-laced word as the one that had been on the tip of her tongue, "Who like each other a _lot_. It's more than a few fun dalliances. Our feelings run much deeper than that, I can assure you, and I may still be young to you, but inside I feel as if I've lived a thousand lifetimes. I don't want to put that on him."

"Child, don't you realize that allowing him to be there for you would do nothing but bless him with a sense of relief? He sees you suffering as clearly as I do, and all he wants is to be the shoulder that you so desperately need to rest your weary head on."

With those words, Shepard could no longer hold back the deluge of emotions that had been clawing their way towards the surface. She let out an anguished sob, curling into herself, and clenching her hands into fists, pressing them tightly to her eyes. She felt helpless, hopeless; the memories of all her fallen comrades rushing back to her at once; she'd lost more friends on this journey than any before it. The commander had yet to take even a second of time to grieve for any one of them, and with the constant fear of losing James on top of everything, it all seemed too much to ever overcome.

"There, there, my dear," Karin brought her palm to Zoe's back, rubbing gentle, calming circles across her spine, "Everything will work itself out. Don't lose yourself to despair. You're the strongest woman I've ever met, and it may not seem like it at the moment, but you're only getting stronger every day."

Shepard forced herself to take a few deep breaths, "I just want to be alone right now."

"Alright, if that's what you need," the doctor pulled her away and began to step towards the exit, "If you need anything, just have EDI call on me. I'll stay close by."

"Thanks, Karin…"

"You're welcome, my dear. Try to get some rest."

The commander could already feel her head swimming from the injection, and she knew that sleep would come soon, whether she wanted it to or not. As she passed into the dream world, the countless faces of friends that had long since departed from the physical plane swirled through her mind, as they had so many times before. She missed them; she wanted to pull them back out into the waking world with her; most times, she would rather just join them. But they were gone, and she was still very much alive, and she knew in her heart that Doctor Chakwas was right — if she didn't start living her life soon, it would be over, and the only thing she would take to her grave with her would be years of solitude and unrelenting regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I headcanon that medicine has advanced to the point where side effects of upping dosages and going on/off medicine aren't really an issue anymore. Just wanted to make a note of that because I had someone mention it in a review on FF. So, yeah, hope that seems plausible. Thanks for reading and have a lovely day!


	22. Everything They Deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter veers away from canon in a pretty significant way, but I think anyone who really adores the Normandy crew as much as I do will appreciate the change.

"Come on, Shepard, you wanted to talk, so I'm here. Just let me in."

James stood outside Shepard's cabin, banging on the door, but she'd been refusing to let him in for the past twenty minutes, at least. Missing the opportunity to take out her father and Kai Leng, along with the regretful way she'd dealt with the lieutenant, had her spiraling back into a deep pit of despair. Now, almost two days later, they were approaching the Citadel again, this time for some kind of official business that Hackett wouldn't be completely clear on. Zoe would rather have been headed just about anywhere else in the universe besides the pretentious, sterile atmosphere of that floating galactic test-tube.

"I'll stand out here all night if I have to. Just fuckin' let me in. Please… Shepard, come on."

The door slid open abruptly, just as his fist was poised to knock again, and there she stood, directly in front of him, draped in nothing but a towel, as she had been the first time he'd stormed in to confront her.

"I was taking a shower. What do you want?"

"Takin' your sweet ass time taking a shower, is more like it," he pushed past her rebelliously, not even waiting for her to invite him in, "You were sending me messages almost non-stop until we went to Sanctuary, and now you're the one that won't talk to me?"

"You missed your window of opportunity," she stomped towards her dresser, "Turn, please."

He did as she asked, leaning up against the wall and crossing his arms impatiently, "So, where does that leave us?"

"There is no 'us' anymore, Vega," she leaned down to the drawer, yanking out her dress blues, and hastily clothing herself, no longer as comfortable as she had once been with him being in the room while she was so exposed, "We both said things we can't take back. Or, in your case, didn't say anything…"

"I told you I was sorry, Lola," he blew out a frustrated sigh, "Can I turn around now?"

"Go for it," she spat cattily, as she busied herself with combing her hair, "And I told you, it's 'Commander'."

"Fine, if that's how you want it, _Commander_... look, don't do this, okay? I fucked up. You fucked up. Ashley is a bitch, but she meant well. But, I've been fighting for you for months now, and I don't just mean out in the field — there's no fucking way I'm gonna give up now," she shot past him, into the bathroom, and he followed behind her, relentlessly, "You gave Mel a hundred chances to make up for all the shit she put you through. All I'm asking is for one. One chance, that's it. And I didn't even do anything to you; you're the one that called everything off. I got no reason to be standing here right now, asking you to reconsider, but here I am. Please, Shepard, don't build all those walls of yours back up. Don't crawl behind them to curl up and die. I lo—"

"Don't! I told you not to say that," her tone was firm, but she was clearly withering to his pleas, "I… I'm sorry. For what it's worth, for everything I said and did and have put you through all these months. I feel like shit; like I don't even deserve you anymore."

"I'm sorry, too," he edged closer to her, "Look, I know we can't really have what we want right now, but I need you to know that I'm not gonna go off and try to find anything else, until our time comes. Alright?"

She nodded solemnly, "Ditto."

Shepard stared up into her mirrored reflection, a blank, haunted expression deepening the creases at the sides of her eyes. James reached out a hand to caress her cheek, and though she visibly stiffened at the touch, she didn't move away.

"Commander, we're getting ready to dock," Joker's voice called from overhead, "They wanna know if you need a shuttle."

"We'll need transportation to the Tower," she answered in the most matter-of-fact voice she could muster in her current state, "Tell Liara, Garrus, Ashley, and Tali to get ready, too."

"The Tower, huh? Alright, roger that, Commander."

"You better get yourself together too, James. I've got to finish up here, myself."

"You gonna be okay?"

She turned to him and nodded, smiling now, looking lighter again, "Yeah, I'll be fine, as long as you are; as long as we can put all this behind us."

"Yeah, not a problem," her words to Joker finally registered, "Hey, what are we all going to the Tower for?"

She shrugged, opening the medicine cabinet to retrieve her makeup and hair supplies, "I don't know, they wouldn't tell me anything, but it has to be important for them to want us all there."

He watched as she dumped some kind of milky liquid onto the back of her hand and swirled a brush around in it, swiping it across her face in a fluid motion, "We're probably in trouble, right?"

A laugh escaped her, like music notes wafting through the air, "Most likely. You're really starting to get the hang of being one of Commander Shepard's finest, huh?"

"It's just my speed. Didn't I ever tell you, trouble's my middle name?"

"That's fitting," now she was lining her eyes with a dark charcoal color, her hand as expertly trained with the liner as it was with a firearm, "Shouldn't you be getting ready, Lieutenant?"

He shrugged, "Are you kidding? This body doesn't need any decoration to make jaws drop."

"Touché," she dropped the black stick down onto the counter and a sound escaped her lips that he'd only ever heard on one other occasion — the night they'd first kissed.

_Did she just giggle?_

Of anyone he'd ever met in the world, she seemed like the last person that would ever giggle. It was, quite possibly, an even more glorious sound than that of her normal laughter. That was it; he knew in that moment, that keeping a professional distance from her for any length of time would be next to impossible. If something didn't happen soon, he was going to have to find an out, lest he go insane from his escalating need for her. As he stared, not even attempting to hide it anymore, she parted her mouth and brought a tube of dark, creamy lipstick to her supple lips.

"Holy shit, Lola," he cocked his head to the side to get a better view, "Maybe I _should_ go. I didn't realize watching you do all your girly shit was gonna be so… _Unf…_ "

"Don't make me laugh while I'm doing this!" she came dangerously close to smudging the maroon across her cheek.

"Docking now, Commander," it was Joker again, "Shuttle transport en route."

"Copy that," James answered for her.

"Vega, that you?" they could hear the pilot stifle a laugh, "Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt… again."

"You didn't, Joker, but thanks for that," Zoe shot the lieutenant a death glare.

"Sure, _right_ , anyway, ETA of that shuttle is three minutes. The rest of the squad is up here and waiting," at that, he signed off with a scratch of feedback.

"Great, on top of everything else, now I'm going to have to deal with more rumors," she eyed him with faux spite, "I already chewed him out about it, but Joker still insists on gossiping like a fifteen year old girl."

James' laugh echoed through the room, and he made his way over to her, "Sorry, Lola, I couldn't help myself."

He stopped a couple of feet away from her, as she tied and pinned her hair back in her standard bun. He reached out, fiddling with a strand that had fallen loose at her neck where she couldn't see.

She brushed it from his hand, smoothing it in with the rest and casting him a sideways glance, "I thought we were supposed to be cooling it."

"Sorry, hermosa," he backed up a bit, "I'd be lying if I said this isn't gonna be hard as hell on me."

"You're not alone, trust me," Zoe finished up her hair and turned to him, "I really am sorry, James. For all of it. I never should have left you out of everything when I stuck you on the bench. I should have swallowed my fear and pride and said something sooner. I should have talked to you about what was happening between us instead of just jumping on you. But most importantly, I should have listened to you about Mel. Tell me you don't hold any of it against me, please?"

"Water under the bridge, Commander," he waved it off, "You just gotta promise me one thing. No more sidelining me on missions. I know we had some problems on the last one, but we're gonna get back to how things were, okay?"

"You got it, Lieutenant," she brushed by him on the way to her desk, "Anyway, you should probably head down there first."

"Right, gotcha," he started to turn away, but he knew this would, quite possibly, be one of their last moments alone for a long time, so he approached her, dipping down to her level, cheek to cheek with her, "Mi corazon, te adoro. Deseo que las cosas eran diferentes."

Zoe was shivering and tense all over, his body just centimeters from her own, lips tickling her ear lobe as he spoke. It wouldn't have mattered what he said, it was the way he said it; his voice was deep, husky, breathy. She leaned back to meet his eyes, the golden flecks inside them glinting with intensity. They were so close it hurt — and he was slowly sinking closer, his gaze dipping to her lips, begging for the access they both knew she shouldn't grant. But it was too late, he'd taken it too far now to turn back. Her eyes fluttered shut as he closed in.

"Commander, we're waiting."

_Damnit, Joker. Fuckin' pendejo._

He'd been so close to closing that gap once more, but she jumped backwards, startled by the sudden intrusion. It was the third time so far they'd been interrupted like this, and it was severely wearing on James' patience.

"On the way, right now," she was visibly flustered, fumbling around to gather a few things, before taking off toward the door, "Come on, Lieutenant. We need to get going."

James fell in step behind her, "I thought we were gonna go down separately?"

"Yeah, I think we missed that chance," Zoe jabbed the control on the elevator, much harder than she'd intended.

"Sorry, Lola. I didn't mean to…" he faltered, as the door slid open in front of them.

Shepard had reverted back to avoiding looking at him, "Don't worry about it, James."

"I know we said… but," he didn't even know where he was going with this, "I don't know. I didn't mean for it to got that far."

"Just… drop it, Lieutenant," she was scanning the screen of a data pad now, her walls steadily falling back into place, brick by solid brick.

"Whatever you say… Commander," Vega set his jaw, biting back the words he really wanted to say.

They received a number of quizzical looks when they approached the group side by side. It was no secret among the crew that the two of them had a sometimes slightly inappropriate rapport. Chakwas had been right, though; her crew was astute — smart enough to know that the flirting wouldn't have stayed innocent for long — but also loyal, and discreet, enough not to make it into a big deal. Aside from Ashley, who was eyeing Shepard with troubled curiosity.

"Hey, Shepard, you look a little flushed," Garrus was a different story, as well; he had no shame when it came to teasing her, but that came with being old and best friends, she supposed.

"Come on, they're waiting for us at the Tower," the commander passed them all by hastily, avoiding their eyes.

"What, no comment?" the rascally turian wasn't going to let this go easily.

"Just get in the shuttle, Vakarian," she shot him a death glare and continued on, leaving the rest to follow.

Garrus fell back to where James was tailing the group, casting the lieutenant a knowing glance, "I'm guessing you took my advice and had a talk. What the hell did you do to her?"

"Nothing against regs, if that's what you're thinking," the marine kept his eyes glued to the commander's retreating form.

"Still? What a shame," the turian drawled, "She's a hard one to break."

Vega gave a defeated shrug, "Tell me about it. It's better this way, though. No complications."

"At least not in a military sense," Garrus was one sharp son of a bitch, "But in my experience, adhering to a list of regulations isn't just going to make certain things disappear… If you catch my meaning."

"Yeah, I got you. Thanks for the reminder," they were the last to enter the shuttle, the lieutenant grateful that such close quarters called for an end to the private conversation.

Shepard sat alone in a corner of the ship, eyes still glued to the data pad in her hands. Ashley kept stealing glances in her direction, obviously aware that something was amiss. She knew she wouldn't have long to breach the subject, so she approached the commander cautiously, her voice a low whisper.

"You okay, ma'am?" she stooped down to one knee.

"Yeah, I'm fine," lately Zoe had been so bad at masking her feelings.

"So, did you finally work things out with him?"

"Yes, Ashley, I did," the commander shot back impatiently, a little louder than necessary.

"Look, Shepard… I really was wrong, okay?" the LC gazed at her with contrition glimmering in her dark eyes, "What the higher ups don't know won't hurt 'em. Hell, having a little fun never hurt anyone. You know me, I'm not one to break the rules, but bending them a little bit… I don't see the harm in it if it brings you some happiness."

"Lieutenant Commander," her eyes flickered up from her reading, flaring with anger she was trying her hardest to control, "This conversation is _highly_ inappropriate. I'm going to have to ask you to cease and desist from further comment on the matter."

"Okay, Shepard, have it your way," Ashley stood reluctantly, "But another thing, you know, a little girl talk once in a while never hurt anyone either. We're not just officers here, we can be friends, if that's what you want. I know I'd like to get back to that. If you ever need an ear, you know how to get to me."

Zoe's features went soft at the offer, "Sorry, Ash… and thanks."

"Anytime, ma'am."

The doors of the shuttle lifted open, just as a new transmission chimed in on the commander's omni-tool. She skimmed the message as the group exited the craft; it was a notice from Admiral Hackett.

"Guys," Shepard called the group to a halt, "I've got some… news."

"What is it Shepard?" Liara looked concerned, as she usually did when the commander used words like that.

"Admiral Hackett wants us to dock the Normandy for a few days. He thinks it needs some maintenance before the last leg of this fight," she knew he was right, the old girl had suffered some pretty serious close calls these past few weeks, "So, it looks like, after this meeting, for the next couple days, we're officially on shore leave."

The looks on the faces of the squad members were nothing short of priceless. There was also something in the correspondence about an apartment that Anderson was offering to her, but she decided to look into that further after they had taken care of business with the Council.

"What does this mean?" the poor asari still looked sorely perplexed, "Is shore leave really a good idea? If the Reapers are ready to advance, they won't exactly wait for the Normandy to be repaired."

"Anderson and Hackitt have a handle on the situation. They'll let us know if things go south. This is a good thing, Liara," Ashley was obviously ready for a bit of a break, "Just try to relax for a while. It'll help when the shit finally does hit the fan."

The doctor nodded her agreement, but she didn't look entirely convinced.

"Let's go," Shepard urged them on, "We shouldn't keep the Council waiting."

* * *

For as much of a fuss as the Council put up about insisting the group arrive on time, they had no qualms with keeping them waiting once they finally arrived. Shepard smelled trouble, but she always did when it came to addressing the dignitaries; she was mentally preparing herself for the worst. Finally, their group was called in, after over half an hour of twiddling their thumbs. The squad approached the end of the long walkway, a tightly knit unit, if not somewhat of a motley crew.

"Counselors," the commander's tone was formal as she greeted them with a respectful nod.

"Commander Shepard," the turian councilman, Sparatas, was the first to speak, "Good to see you again, and looking well. That's quite a squad you have there."

"The best in the business," her sincerity was clear, and full of pride for them.

"That's why we called you all here," he glanced at the other counselors, receiving the nod to proceed from the pair of them, "You've all proven your worth, countless times over the course of this war. As capable a soldier as your commanding officer has shown herself to be, there is no doubt she has only come so far, been so successful, as a result of the company she keeps. Am I correct in my assumption, Commander?"

"Absolutely, sir. Forgive my informal phrasing, but they've saved my ass more times than I can count. I owe every victory to their selfless dedication to the cause," her back was to them, so she couldn't see the way their eyes lit up at her humble admission.

"That's what I thought you'd say," he gave a bare hint of a smile, "And that is why we have decided to bestow Spectre status to the entirety of your fighter squadron. Garrus Vakarian, Doctor Liara T'Soni, Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, and Lieutenant James Vega — please step forward."

The group did as they were told, expressions of disbelief plastered across the lot of them as they traded confused glances among each other. Of all the things she'd expected to come from this meeting, this was the furthest from anything she would have predicted. She didn't even attempt to conceal the smile that beamed from her face. Her crew, her friends, finally getting the respect and recognition they deserved. She'd never been happier than she was at this very moment. The asari counselor picked up where Sparatas had left off, reciting the same speech Zoe remembered from all that time ago, when she had been standing in the same position her allies were now.

"It is the decision of the council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel."

The commander felt as if she were having déjà vu as the speech went on, her heart almost bursting with excitement for her squad mates. They'd been along on this roller coaster ride with her for so long now, that they more than deserved this; it should have happened years ago. She found her thoughts drifting away from the speech and onto each crew member individually.

Liara: who had loved her, practically since the moment they met and had always stuck by her, no matter the questionable decisions she'd made; who had consistently put Zoe's happiness ahead of her own; who was so intelligent well beyond the century she'd lived and yet still so innocent in her own right.

Garrus: who had always been the voice of reason to the commander's hardheaded refusal to accept the things she couldn't change; who had been her backbone more than once when she withered in the face of adversity; who had cared enough to put his friendship with her in harms way to tell her the things she so desperately needed to hear.

Tali: so sweet, caring, and ambitious; a ray of sunshine in Shepard's darkest hours; a reminder that youth didn't constitute weakness and that anyone, no matter how oppressed, can accomplish the most impossible tasks with enough resilience; a reminder that the failures of one's parents aren't the failures of their offspring.

And then there was James... She'd known him for the shortest amount of time, and yet she'd grown so much closer to him than any of the rest. She'd been so fickle and obstinate towards him for the majority of their time together, and yet he'd stood by her through every last bit of it. Shepard owed him so much, and wanted more than anything to repay him for the things he'd endured from her, but with each wrench that was thrown between them, the task seemed more and more impossible.

"We have never, in the history of the council, granted an entire squadron Spectre status simultaneously. Use this blessing well in the trials to come," with that, the asari concluded the speech.

The crew saluted, but Sparatas had one more thing to add, "The rules don't technically apply to you anymore, but you should still consider Commander Shepard your leader, your superior, at least until the final battle has been won. In the case of that event, you're free to break off on your own, if you so choose, but for now, we need you to keep the same mentality. It's what has brought you to this point, and it's the thing that will win this for the galaxy."

"Yes, sir," their collective voices rang through the chamber.

"Thank you for your time, you're all dismissed," he gave them a final nod, and departed, followed promptly by the other councilors.

James was the first to break the stunned silence, "What the hell just happened?"

"Cause for celebration, I'd say," Garrus chuckled and gave the lieutenant a cheerful clap on the back.

"I can't believe this," Tali was practically bouncing on her toes, "The first quarian Spectre… I…"

"Congratulations, Tali. I know exactly how excited you must be," Shepard gave the small girl's shoulder an encouraging squeeze, then turned to the rest, "Congratulations everyone. I can't think of a single group that deserve this more than all of you."

"So, that means you're buying the drinks for everyone tonight, right?" Ashley shoved at Shepard's shoulder, shooting her a playful wink.

"Hell yeah, now you're talkin'," which reminded her, "Hey, we're officially, _officially_ on shore leave now… and I've got somewhere to be."

* * *

Her plans that evening had gone nowhere near how she'd expected. A nice, quiet dinner with Joker, their first night on leave, celebrating the successes of the road so far — of course it would be interrupted by someone trying to assassinate her. This was Shepard's real life, after all. The one highlight had been running into Wrex during the scuffle. That hard ass krogan was a sight for sore eyes, punching holes through the bellies of the rogue scum that had come after her. It was almost like old times. The group was currently holed up in the new apartment, scattered about the rooms, checking over the lavish place, from stem to stern.

Her biggest regret through the whole thing was making the decision to wear that blasted dress to the restaurant. Whatever that thing was made out of, it was not suited for heavy combat. It had held up pretty well, though, considering — not a rip or stain in sight. Her heels had flown off some time towards the beginning of the excursion, and they were not missed, though the soles of her feet had taken quite a beating as a result. Better to have scuffed up toes than a broken ankle, she supposed. Pacing the floor, she fiddled with the silver chains that hung loosely around her neck as she scanned her omni-tool for the millionth time, waiting for word of new information from Brooks and Liara.

"Hey Shepard, your friend Wrex, he's a beast. Nothing beats havin' a krogan bodyguard, huh?" he caught her attention as she meandered into the kitchen, "I had a buddy like that once. Uh, well… not so much a buddy really. More of a prisoner who helped us. It's a long story, man. Anyway…"

Much to his frustration, it seemed she was still keeping her guard firmly up when around him, "Did you need something, Lieutenant?"

Shepard was choosing to be completely withdrawn again, and it hurt, but two could play at that game, "What you think about Brooks? She's kinda cute. You think she's on the market?"

_What the fuck did he just say to me?_ Zoe gave him a look of pure incredulity, her mouth gaping in surprise.

Before she could respond though, Liara's voice came calling from the back, "Shepard, I've found something. We can gather the team whenever you're ready."

"Saved by the asari," she squinted at him and stomped off, "Get everyone together and bring them into the back, Lieutenant."

He'd really infuriated her this time, on a whole other level than he ever had before, and she made no effort to mask it. So much for bringing him along on the next mission. She was sure to leave him behind now, just out of spite. He thought she'd catch on to the joke. Brooks was nothing like the commander. She was waif like and skittish, the exact opposite of his type; the exact opposite of Shepard, specifically. He did as he was told, though, corralling the group into the small meeting room beyond the kitchen.

They went over the details with a fine-tooth comb. A casino infiltration, of all things; a black tie event, at that. Zoe made a mental note to pick up a new pair of heels on the way there. She'd made a promise to not to leave him out of missions any longer. He wouldn't be happy about having to don a suit, which made this the perfect opportunity to impose a bit of sweet revenge for his off-handed comment a few minutes prior. With each squad member's tasks doled out, they broke up the meeting to prepare for the mission at hand. Shepard approached James, a smug grin marking her features.

"So, you ready for this?" she asked, giddy inside at the prospect of seeing him dressed to the nines.

"What, you're actually taking me along for this? I thought you were just fuckin' with me," when she responded by simply raising an eyebrow, he balked, "Uh, no offense, Lola, but this ain't really my kinda thing."

"I made you a promise, James," she used her best serious voice, biting back the urge to laugh at his perplexed expression, "You're coming along. I owe you this, and I won't take no for an answer."

"Yeah, I see what's going on here," he eyed her suspiciously, "This is payback, isn't it? You know, I don't really think she's cute, I was just messin' with you."

"Mhm, I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about, Lieutenant."

"Look, I don't even own a suit, okay?" he was visibly squirming, trying his best to get out of this.

"That's okay, I have to go buy some new shoes anyway," now she let the cocky grin surface, "We'll pick you one up on the way, it's on me."

"You're so kind," the sarcasm was palpable, as Vega crossed his arms and narrowed his gaze at her.

"Let's go, this thing's starting any time now," Zoe finally let a chuckle spill free, gesturing for him to follow her towards living room, and in minutes, they were on their way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mi corazon, te adoro. Deseo que las cosas eran diferentes. = My heart, I adore you. I wish things were different.
> 
> Alrighty! So, we've already reached the Citadel DLC part of the story! This is honestly one of my favorite parts of the game, though the James romance obviously left a lot to be desired, so yay for headcanons, amiright? I hope it didn't seem too rushed getting to this point, but the story goes on well past endgame, so I didn't want to be too long winded with the main game and drag it out like crazy.


	23. Turning Up The Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These next few Citadel-centric chapters greatly diverge from canon, just fair warning. Hope you enjoy it and have a lovely day!

It had taken longer than expected for the lieutenant to be fitted for a suit, so they had been forced to split up, with Shepard taking a separate shuttle to rendezvous with Brooks at the mission site. Zoe had not only purchased a replacement set of heels, but also treated herself to a brand new evening gown. Her standard bun was substituted with a delicate french twist, her makeup darker and sparklier than usual.

How she'd touched up her face and gotten all her hair smoothed out with the bumps and jerks that the taxi was making, she couldn't say. If she was being honest, she'd admit she had almost lost an eye to her mascara wand at one point. The two women waited patiently for Vega to make his entrance, and when he did… _damn_ if he didn't make some jaws drop. He had said he didn't need decoration to achieve such a thing, and while he was right, the suit definitely helped.

When James finally arrived and caught sight of her stepping out of the crowd, his jaw clenched tight and his heart leapt up into his throat. Her neckline plunged down into a sharp point, the slit up the long flowing fabric of the skirt peaking right above her knee and the straps of her shoes spiraled up the length of her muscular calf. She'd had the N7 logo from the other dress cut out and fixed right where the 'V' dropped below her cleavage. As much as she liked purple, black was definitely her color, and he really, _really_ liked the way she chose to represent the N program.

" _Mierda_ ," he whispered under his breath, as she sauntered toward him, and then a good deal louder he added, "Lookin' _fiiine_ , Commander!"

She could easily say the same for him, "You clean up nicely, yourself, James. Though, I'm noticing a distinct lack of a tie in your 'black tie' ensemble."

"It was a high collar, or lay on some girl's makeup. I like collars," he gave her a saucy wink.

Brooks approached from the other side, "You could still kick it up though. You know, accessorize a little."

"Oh yeah? Like how?" he asked, obviously clueless to her hint, so she threw a suggestive look in Shepard's direction, " _Oh_ , I gotcha. Commander?"

He offered his arm, and she hooked into it with her own, a smug expression on her face that radiated sex appeal, " _Such_ a gentleman."

"I try," he returned the look with equal magnetism, "Just… ya know, don't tell the guys."

They started down the run way, arm in arm, waving politely to the energetic masses. Shepard wasn't used to going out in public in such a vulnerable state, especially not with a gaggle of faceless people crowding on either side to catch a glimpse. It was impossible to tell by the way she carried herself, with a larger-than-life level of confidence, that she was all knots and butterflies on the inside. The surge of courage may have had something to do with the way Vega kept scanning her up and down with a pleased expression, leaning back every so often to sneak a peek at the way the fabric sashayed across her backside. The man was positively incorrigible, and she loved every second of it. They might have had the crew talking before, but now, it would be the whole galaxy gossiping about the two making dreamy eyes at each other for the duration of the night. Maybe inviting him along had been a mistake, after all.

Then, it hit her. He wasn't just Lieutenant James Vega any longer; now, he was Spectre James Vega. In the eyes of their superiors that, more or less, made them equals. The regulations that were put in place, the ones they had been trying to so strictly adhere to all this time, were null and void as far as the Council was concerned. The realization caused Zoe to pause in her steps for a split second, and she caught her toe on the hem of her dress, sending her pitching forward.

James was quick with the recovery. Like some kind of expert at catching damsels in distress, he grabbed hold of her arm, spinning her around, and at the same time sliding his opposite arm across her back. It was so swiftly done, the crowd probably thought they'd choreographed the move, and they let out a deafening cacophony of applause and cheers.

"You okay, Lola?" he asked as he pulled her back to an upright position.

"Yeah, I'm good," Zoe blinked a few times, steadying herself, and her brain agreed for once.

_Yeah, I am_ really _good… this changes everything._

Soon after, they were in; Brooks was on her way to the grate, Shepard was listening in on some pretty entertaining conversations from the party guests, and James was probably the sweetest piece of eye candy the commander had ever laid sight on. The tux was stretched tight in all the right places, and there were several times Zoe caught her eyes wandering just a little too far south. The implications of James' recent status change obviously hadn't occurred to him yet, but the commander decided it was best to bide her time. They still had two more days of shore leave, even after all this mess was sorted out. This had to end tonight, no matter how long the evening drug on; she could sleep in tomorrow, for all it was worth.

_I can sleep in tomorrow._

In all her time being confined to the cell on Earth, such a thing had seemed like a burden. Sleeping the day away was a waste of precious time she could have been using to fight some new evil. But now, with the Reapers looming on the horizon, the fight having been beat out of her on so many occasions in such a short span of time, actual rest was going to be good. Especially if she could swallow her pride and convince a certain hispanic Spectre lieutenant to join her in that luxurious, downy bed in her shiny new living space.

"Commander," Brooks' voice came ringing into her earpiece, "I'm upstairs by the grate leading to the shaft. But there's a problem. Can you meet me?"

She broke away from the conversation she was having with two particularly opinionated asari that she had only been half-listening to, and went to collect James from the bar.

"Come on, babe," she slid her fingers between his, "Let's check out the dance floor upstairs."

"I don't… really dance," he stammered, but followed her anyway, "Wait, did you just call me 'babe'?"

"Shut up, or you're gonna blow our cover, genius," she hissed, shaking her head in exasperation, "It's Brooks, she's run into some kind of hold up."

James grinned wide, giving her hand a light squeeze, "Oh, right, sorry… _babe_."

She led him up the stairs, meeting Brooks a few seconds later, in front of the grate. The woman looked nervous as a mouse, and it took everything in Zoe's power not to try shaking some confidence into her.

"Okay, right. Just like we thought, there's an alarm on the grate," she was ridiculously twitchy, obviously not used to this kind of work.

Shepard hated to state the obvious, but this woman seemed beyond clueless, "Well, we'll have to find a way to bypass it then."

"Dr. T'soni gave me this to pass to you," the analyst handed over a small container, "It's a resonance emitter lens. It should let you see security grids and wiring."

They looked like some kind of high tech contact lenses. This was not going to be fun — Zoe'd always had anxiety when it came to the idea of putting something into her eyes. She fought through the cringe, inserting the devices and blinking rapidly at the sting they caused.

"Alright, I'll follow the wiring to a junction box, splice it, and disable the alarm," it seemed an easy enough task.

"Yeah, fingers crossed," Brooks let out a shaky breath.

"Liara, the lens is working," she took Vega's hand again, motioning for him to follow her lead.

"Good, follow the blue wiring," the asari coached her over the earpiece, "In case it needs to be said, don't try to bypass a camera while you're being watched."

The wiring led to the opposite side of the room, in a discreet corner, mostly shielded from the rest of the crowd. She signaled the lieutenant to keep watch while she scoped the area.

"I see a junction in the wall, but there's a camera watching it," Zoe informed the doctor, hoping for a quick fix.

She was in luck, "Shepard, I'm sending a hack to your omni-tool. It will fool the camera, but it'll self-delete after a few seconds."

Shepard fiddled with the device, her fingers moving as quick as humanly possible, "Got it!"

The alarm's junction box was next to where James was leaning against the wall, keeping an eye on the crowd. Zoe jogged the few steps over and started working on the bypass. Everything was going smoothly, up until the commander was about to close out her omni-tool and finish up; a guard was approaching, coming a little too close for comfort.

Vega turned to her, whispering the alert, "Shepard, we got one. Coming up fast."

"The splice is in."

But what was she going to do to explain to the guard why they were just dallying in a secluded corner? Her mind raced and she did the first thing that came clearly. Reaching out, reflexes like lightening, she grabbed the lieutenant by the collar and yanked him down to her level. Their mouths slammed together, his eyes flying wide in surprise. Shepard pulled away, bringing her lips to his ear.

"Just act natural, like you love it," she purred.

"Don't think that'll be a problem," James' words came out a rough and gravely, as he gripped at her hips, the sensation of having her so close so spontaneously sending a pleasurable tingle zig-zagging through his body.

He pushed her forcefully back, pinning her against the wall and dipping down low to kiss her again, trying to express to her everything he'd been holding back saying with the movements of his lips and body. His hands tightened on her waist, sliding in a perfect curve around to her back. James moved his mouth to her neck for a moment, revealing in the sound of her ragged gasps, as she let a moan escape. He returned to her lips, bringing a hand up to cup her face, urging her to deepen the kiss. Brooks was saying something in her ear, but whatever it was, her swimming head was muddling the words. It sounded like she'd said to act casual for a while. Zoe might have laughed if her mouth wasn't already occupied.

The guard finally turned the corner and let out a startled, "Oh, shit!"

James broke up the heated embrace to feign a furious advance on the man, "You got a problem buddy? Can't a guy get a few moments alone with a beautiful woman without someone else all up in his business?"

"I… I'm sorry!" the guard threw his hands up, obviously scared to rile up a brute that was twice his size.

"Get outta here, man!" James waved him away, and turned back to the commander, who was melting against the wall, trying desperately to stop panting like an animal, "You okay, Lola… you look a little shaken up."

"I just… I, uh…" her tired mouth refused to form words, "I wasn't really expecting that."

"You said act natural," he offered that famous smirk of his, "That's how I _naturally_ would have reacted to that situation in real life."

"Real life, huh?" she quirked a brow, a pleased grin pulling at her lips, "Maybe we'll have to do that again in 'real life' sometime, then."

"Come on, hermosa," James took her hand again, leading her back out into the room, "Let's get back to work."

" _Such_ a tease," Zoe shook her head in disappointment — she highly doubted she'd be catching her breath any time tonight.

* * *

The whole endeavor had only taken about an hour, give or take. Now it was just a waiting game. Brooks, Liara, and EDI were working through the information they'd dug up from the office and Shepard was making the rounds to check up on how her crew was doing. Having their shore leave so abruptly interrupted hadn't left them in the best of spirits, but they were dealing better than most would have. Vega was busy searching the kitchen for some kind of sustenance. They'd yet to have a moment to talk about what had happened in the casino, and Zoe figured now was as good a time as any. She walked up behind him and slid a hand slowly up his back.

"Hey there, soldier," she whispered, low enough so only he could hear.

He jumped at the touch, spinning around to face her, "Hey, Lola. You know there's not a speck of chow around here. You'd think a place like this would be stocked."

"Sorry, I'll see what I can do to fix that," she set her hands on her hips — that wasn't the greeting she'd been expecting.

"You do that, I might spend a little more time here," he eyed her mischievously, "Of course, you could give me some other reason to stick around more…"

"That's, uh… kinda what I wanted to talk about," she bit her lip playfully, but he must have thought she looked hesitant.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking," he turned his back on her, "I mean, you started it but—"

"Hey, I was just trying to save our asses from getting caught," she pointed out.

"Yeah, I know. Look, it didn't mean anything, okay?" he busied himself searching the bare fridge for the tenth time, not really thinking about his words before he spoke them.

"Oh…" Zoe's heart plummeted to her feet, "That's, uh… that's good. Just… doin' the job, right?"

With that reaction, it dawned on him just what he'd said, but he didn't know how to come back from that one so he half-heartedly shrugged, "Yep."

"Okay then. Well, I'm gonna go get out of this dress," she hesitated for another minute, giving him a chance to save face — he wouldn't take it, so she had no other choice but to walk away.

"Hey, Commander," Ashley caught her on the way up stairs to change, "Can we talk?"

"Sure," she motioned for the LC to follow her to the room, "What's up?"

"I was just thinking, this shore leave thing… it's gonna give us a chance to really unwind, right?"

_She has to be joking._

"Eventually, perhaps," Shepard scoffed, stepping into the closet and out of the gown, "Why? What's on your mind?"

"Honestly? I was thinking… if you're really not interested in the lieutenant…" she better not say what Zoe thought she was going to say, "I might be."

The commander felt her cheeks flush, all the blood rising to her head at once, making her feel sick and dizzy, "Ash, as much as I'd love to give you the go ahead…"

"I'm just messing with you, Shepard," Ashley snorted with laughter, "Sorry, ma'am, it was too easy."

Zoe breathed a sigh of relief. Granted, she still had her looks, but she would be the first to admit she didn't hold a candle to the LC, with her immeasurable charm and level-headed demeanor.

She peeked out from the closet as she pulled on her cargo pants, "Ash, if you really want me to be comfortable enough to come to you with girl talk, you're going to have to stop calling me ma'am all the time. It makes me feel old."

"With all due respect, _ma'am_ , you are old," Ashley flicked her hair behind her shoulder, and was met by a death glare from the CO, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You just left yourself wide open for it."

"I'm only a few years older than you, you know?" she quickly finished lacing her boots and stepped out into the room, "Scary, isn't it?"

"You're not kidding," the LC rolled her dark eyes, "Where the hell did our youth go?"

"It went the way of war, you know that well enough," the commander wasn't trying to bring down her friend's high spirits, but it was a painful truth.

"Tell me about it," the brunette crossed to the bed and took a seat, "You were eighteen when you signed up, right? Same as me… Most girls our age were spending their time living it up, serial dating, going to school, gossiping about each other at parties. Can you believe we missed all that?"

"It was for a good cause," Zoe reminded her.

"Yeah, that's what I keep telling myself. But it doesn't make it easier, does it?" Ashley paused, a thought playing across her face, "That's why I wanted to talk to you. I know what you've been through, ma… uh, Zoe — shit, that's gonna take some getting used to. Anyway, you've been drug through the ringer, way more than most of us. Hell, when we get shore leave, we actually get shore leave. You get people trying to take you out while you're just trying to enjoy your dinner."

"What can I say? I live a glamorous life," she sat down next to the LC, her body begging her to just lay down and let it be engulfed in those inviting silk sheets.

"Let's be real, it's hell. And we've had our differences in the past, but I still worry about you," the look on her face was one of genuine concern for the commander's well being, "After what happened this morning, at the Tower, things are different now. It's time to — what's that old Earth saying? — grab the cow by the…"

"Grab the bull by the horns?"

"That's it! And there is one sexy ass bull down there that is _begging_ to be grabbed," she gave the older woman a look that screamed _'go for it, dummy!'_

"Ash, I'm about to throw down some serious girl talk right now," Zoe let out a shaky sigh.

"Oh, I am so ready. Spill it," Ashley was practically bouncing with excitement.

"We kissed at the casino," the words came out fast and muddled.

"You wha… _seriously?_ " the brunette's grin was wide and mischievous, obviously eating this shit up, "You've gotta tell me what it was like."

"Hot… intense… anticlimactic…"

"Was that a double entendre, Commander?" she giggled at the dual meaning that hadn't actually been intended.

"I didn't really mean like that, but I guess it's true, in a way," Shepard dropped her gaze to the floor, "He shut me down when I tried to talk to him about it."

"Yeah, I caught the tail end of that," the LC clicked her tongue, "You know, he probably just doesn't realize what the whole Spectre thing really means yet. You should talk to him."

"It'll have to wait," she stood, offering her friend a hand to help her up, "We need to go check in with the others, see if they've come up with anything."

Ashley dutifully followed her out of the room, but had one more quip to add, "So, has he ever said anything to you in Spanish?"

Shepard grinned ear to ear at the memory that came to her from that very morning, "Oh yea, he said a mouthful."

* * *

Taking the entire team on this mission was going to be a ball, Shepard was sure of it. The idea of having her whole squad, plus Wrex and Steve at that, had sent a thrilling rush of adrenaline surging through her. When James pulled out the bomb to blow a hole in the roof of the Archives, and shot her a flirty, wicked smile, Zoe felt an unexpected tingling in her nether regions. The blush that zipped across her cheeks wasn't lost on the lieutenant, or anyone else for that matter.

As they dropped into the complex, they were immediately assailed by numerous foes, and the battle that ensued was more thrilling, raucous, and satisfying than Shepard could have ever dreamed it would be. They bantered; they teased; they heckled the enemies; they scared the ever living shit out of the lot of them. If she were asked to describe them, Zoe would have happily confessed that her armada of miscreants was worlds beyond 'a force to be reckoned with'.

"That's enough!" a feminine voice shouted from the highest catwalk above their heads, "Drop your weapons or this won't end well for her!"

Through the thick smoke and shadow, the figure was completely unrecognizable, but as it stepped forward to the edge of the platform, with Brooks in a tight headlock, Shepard could finally make out the hauntingly familiar silhouette.

The commander motioned for the squad to drop their weapons,"Alright. You can come out now… _Melloria_."

James swore loudly as the devious redhead shoved Brooks forward, sending the analyst tumbling off the side of the balcony, then leaping down behind her. Mel landed heavily in a crouch several feet in front of them, a wicked smirk passing across her lips as she righted herself and tromped towards them.

"Well, well, what have we here…" she twirled her gun around carelessly as she approached Zoe, swinging it upwards and tapping the barrel into the commander's chest plate, "I was wondering when you'd show up, babe."

"I thought you were working with Cerberus," Shepard narrowed her eyes skeptically, "What's with all the mercs?"

"The Illusive Man wasn't a big fan of my… _methods_. He was right, actually, and so were you," Mel cocked her head to the side, the grin spreading wider, "I know, I'm as shocked as you, that I'm actually admitting I was wrong. I let my feelings get the best of me. I wanted _so badly_ to believe that you were better than you were before… But, I'm over it now. And I want to introduce you to your replacement. Shepard!"

"What?" Zoe growled through gritted teeth, searching her brain for a way to get to her rifle and put the insane woman down, for good this time.

"Not you, stupid," Melloria sneered, rolling her eyes, as the door behind her slid open, and a new figure came sashaying into the room.

"Mierda," the lieutenant whispered under his breath, "She looks just like you, Commander."

"Wrong hair color, but nice try, Mel," Zoe pursed her lips, unimpressed, "What, did you visit the 'Make Your Own Sexbot Store', so you'd have something to remember me by?"

"Cheeky bitch," the redheads lip curled up in disgust, "She's no AI. She's a real, living, breath replica; compliments of Cerberus. The new and improved Commander Zoe Shepard."

"You weren't the only Shepard Cerberus brought back to life," the clone stepped towards the commander, a look of bitter vengeance gleaming in her eyes, "But at least one of us will finally do something with it."

"She was made from the same DNA as you. All the same parts, all the same strengths, none of the weaknesses. She's stronger, smarter, faster, and more _obedient_ than you ever were. Your daddy made sure of that," Mel's unwavering smirk flashed from mischievous to downright evil.

"My father helped create this thing?" Shepard trailed her eyes up and down the other version of herself, a sickly feeling sloshing in the pit of her stomach, "Why?"

"Technically, I was created incase you needed spare parts; another arm, or a leg, or a lung," the clone began to pace in agitation, "But when you betrayed Cerberus, Daniel woke me up. While you were trapped in a jail cell on Earth, I was learning to be human. Your father is a smart man. It's amazing what a person can do with enough neural implants. Then, when the Illusive Man cast Melloria out, she found me and helped set me free."

"If you're really me, then we're on the same team," Zoe knew reasoning with the thing probably wouldn't work, but it was worth a shot, "Mel isn't going to protect you. She'll break you, the same way she did me. She just wants a lackey, someone to control. That's exactly what she wants to do to you."

"Shut up, bitch!" Melloria shot forth, slamming the butt of her rifle into the side of Shepard's face, "You're not even in the same league as her."

"I'm gonna fuck you up for that!" James lunged toward O'Brien, but before he could reach her, a group of mercs surrounded him, pointing their guns at his head, "Fuckin' puta skank."

"Damn, Muscles, do you kiss your dead mother with that mouth?" Mel cackled maniacally, "Aww, don't look so sad, you'll be seeing her again soon, _Jimmy_."

"What's your point in trying to kill us? You're never going to get away with this," Ashley added from the other side of the group.

"Every single one of you were fooled by her. You abandoned your duty to join the Cult of Shepard," Mel snarled.

"Like you, Lieutenant Commander Ashley Williams," the clones stepped towards the brunette, sizing her up with a hateful grimace, "I would have saved the other one on Horizon. What was his name — Kaidan something?"

"You're a pale imitation of the real thing!" Ashley shot back, venomously, "Just wait 'til I get my hands on you!"

"I'm the real thing, _perfected_ ," Clone Shepard stalked back towards Zoe, stabbing a finger into her armored chest, "I'm you without all the wear and tear. The doubts, the failures. I'm the lone wolf you were always meant to be… without the emotional baggage holding me back."

The clone tossed James a deliberate glare, but the real Shepard was reaching her wit's end, "The only emotional baggage I ever carried was compliments of the bitch you're following blindly. But, go ahead, let her mold you into her little soldier. She's not my problem anymore."

"No one will ever believe you're the real Shepard," James challenged, making another unsuccessful attempt to advance.

"They will when we're flying her ship," Mel interjected, an insufferably smug air radiating from every inch of her.

"This is Shepard!" Zoe instinctively radioed into the team on board, "Initiate Normandy lockdown. Transmitting command codes now!"

"Good idea," Melloria chuckled again, as the clone pulled up her omni-tool and began to enter in commands, "Too bad the signal was blocked. Your daddy sure did know a lot about technology, Z. He was an _indispensable_ source of knowledge… while he was alive. Did you know that Daniel actually cared a lot about you? It was your mother that wanted to give you up, not him. He loved you _so much_ , but he was _terrified_ of you."

"Shut up!" Shepard darted forward again, only to be met with another blow to the nose from Mel's gun, "Fuck you! You'll never be anything to me except the worst mistake I ever made."

"You think I care? I've got everything I want now," she traipsed toward the clone, encircling her arms around the thing's waist, "Isn't that right, babe?"

"Traynor, this is Shepard," the false commander called into her comm device, "Prep the Normandy for emergency departure. We're leaving."

"It'll be a cold day in hell before someone steals my ship," Zoe snarled viciously.

"It's not stealing if I'm you," the clone gave a freakishly familiar snarky grin that sent a chill up the lieutenant's spine — they looked so much alike, it was making his brain go haywire with too many emotions at once.

"Come on, Z," Melloria slid her hand into fake-Zoe's and pulled her towards the door beyond, "Execute them. The Cult of Shepard ends today."

Real-Zoe's eye shot down to the Mattock at her feet, then up to the ceiling, where a model Citadel hung suspended precariously above the group of mercs holding rifles in her face. Before she could make a move for her gun though, a set of shots rang out, and she barely had time to knock the lieutenant out of the way before the structure came crashing down on them.

"Shit! My gun!" Shepard turned to scrambled back towards it, but James grabbed her arm and pulled her back behind cover, as more troops barreled into the room.

"Here, just take mine," he shoved his own Mattock into her chest, and she took it, checking the thermal clip as the sounds of gunfire began to rumble through the air.

Zoe sprang towards him, wrapping a hand behind the lieutenants head and pulling him forth, crashing her lips into his for a short moment, before springing up to lay into the swarming mercs.

"What the hell was that for?" he chuckled, yanking his shotgun from its holster and popping up beside her.

They ducked back down simultaneously and Shepard threw him a flirtatious grin, "For luck, of course."

"Good call, Lola. I think we're really gonna need it this time."


	24. It's Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter posted we are finally up to date! I will try not to let AO3 fall behind FF anymore from now on. If you like what you've read so far please do drop me a review if you would be so kind! I'd love to know what you think. Thanks for sticking with it and have a lovely day!

The trek through the Archives was long and strenuous. How Mel had managed to afford the amount of hired guns they ran into along the way was a mystery. They were skilled mercenaries, but Shepard's team was better, by far. The trip was only made easier by the fact that the squad refused to let up on their teasing of her — even Glyph was being a little smart ass. As much as Zoe acted like she was fed up with it, having her whole group there to banter and joke with her, was putting her at ease; something she sincerely appreciated when she considered the possibility that in a short matter of time, she'd finally be putting an end to her former lover once and for all.

Shepard, Vega, and Williams were charging towards the finish line, when an eerie sight stopped Zoe dead in her tracks. Another her — this time, in the form of a hologram, in one of the alcoves near the exit. She stepped up to it and the terminal automatically started sounding off the recorded data.

_"Year 2180 CE. First Human Spectre Deliberations. Vault SH-1."_

The electronic voice of Admiral Hackett began discussing Shepard's background and military history with an second, unknown male. He started by bringing up her orphan childhood, but when he began to discuss Akuze, Zoe's face went white as a sheet.

"There was nothing heroic about what I did there," she breathed, her words shaky and regretful, "Why do they keep insisting on implying I'm a war hero for that?"

"The Admiral was just trying to get you the recognition you deserved for what you went through, ma'am," Ashley placed a reassuring hand on the other woman's shoulder, "I don't know what happened there, but just push it aside and remember that you've done plenty of things that can more than rightfully be called heroic since then."

"The LC's right, Shepard," James joined them on her other side, "Forget about Akuze. Forget about what everyone else says about it. You're a different soldier now — you learned. You've been holding onto it for too long. You're fucking amazing, Lola. Don't let what happened there make you doubt yourself anymore."

Zoe dropped her head, rubbing at her face with a single gloved hand. She'd thought that telling him about what happened there had finally cleansed her of that time in her life, but it was still there in the back of her mind, haunting her. And it always would be. She wanted to turn to the lieutenant, simply fall into his arms, but they still had work to do and were soon reminded of that fact when Brooks' voice shouted into the comm line, panic apparent in her tone.

_"Commander, do you copy?"_

Shepard made a motion for the crew to advance, and shot off towards the exit, "What's your status, Brooks?"

_"The other you is jamming our radios! Hammerhead and Mako are trying to get ahead and cut her off! But I've been hit and I need help. Please hurry!"_

"Shit!" the commander cursed, dashing through the hallway that led to the vault, "I'm gonna tear that bitch in half! Both of them!"

When they passed through the final door, Brooks lay helpless in the distance, firing desperately into a corridor at something they couldn't see. The trio rushed forth, and as they stepped onto the vault, a body crashed into the Vega's back, sending him tumbling forward, his head cracking on the floor with a loud thud.

"James!" Zoe cried, lunging forward, but before she could reach him a containment shield encircled the platform, trapping her and the lieutenant commander inside.

Shepard watched in fear as Mel stood, a triumphant smirk splashed across her face, and James groaned loudly as he attempted to push himself off the ground. The redhead brought the butt of her gun down forcefully into the back of his skull, effectively blacking him out, as his body fell limp at her feet.

"When I get out of here, I'm going to rip you to pieces!" the commander bellowed, "Brooks! The vault sealed us in! Is there an override?"

Ashley scanned the space, shaking her head defeatedly, "I don't see one anywhere, ma'am."

Zoe massed her earpiece, panic flooding through her with the force of a tsunami, "Liara, Garrus, Wrex! Do you read me? Is anyone on this frequency?"

"The short answer is no, they're not," the clone appeared behind Mel, crossing her arms definitely with a satisfied grin.

Shepard let out a mighty roar, firing a barrage of shots at the containment shield, knowing it wouldn't do any good, but so overwhelmed by the painful sight of the incapacitated lieutenant that she didn't care.

"I'll make you fucking pay for this, O'Brien!"

"The long answer, to your previous question," Mel meandered over to the edge of the platform, "Is your friends, trapped in iridium vaults and forgotten for… well, forever. Except for Muscles. He's coming with me."

"What are you going to do with him?" Zoe stomped towards the redhead, getting as close as possible with the shield in her way, "If you kill him, I swear to god—"

O'Brien cut her off, "Oh, I'm not going to kill him. Torture, yes. Lots of torture. Make him feel all the pain he put me through. Maybe I'll tie him up in my brand new cabin and make him watch, while I take everything he ever wanted away from him. Like he did to me."

She cast an a glance of admiration at fake-Shepard, and Zoe sprang forth, pounding a fist into the glowing blue shield, "You won't get away with this! Other people know, Hackett knows all about you! The Alliance will stop you!"

"What do you think, Staff Analyst Brooks? Will the Alliance stop us?" the clone interjected cattily, as the tall brunette came sashaying to her side.

"I wouldn't know. I don't actually work for them."

"You too? Goddammit! I knew I had a bad feeling about you!" Shepard spun around, kicking at the slick metallic floor, "Do you really think I won't track you down?! You're all a bunch of morons!"

"Hey, that's not nice," Mel gave a faux pouty face, "You never like it when _I_ called _you_ stupid."

"Because _I'm_ not! I can't say the same for the lot of you," Zoe sneered, turning back to the trio of women with a look of utter loathing, "So, who are you really, _'Brooks'_?"

"My name doesn't matter," the woman replied, her voice holding a distinct accent that it hadn't before, "I never keep the same one for more than a few days. And if the Illusive Man hasn't found me yet, you never will."

"She was with Cerberus too. But, she found herself in a similar predicament. Mr. Illusive doesn't seem to like _anyone_ questioning his methods. Not one bit. Another member of the Cult, it seems," Mel clicked her tongue in disappointment, "So, here we are. One big happy family."

"Besides, he's indoctrinated," 'Brooks' added, "whereas I prefer the whispers in my head to be my own."

Shepard turned her attention towards the brunette, "Why didn't you just come to me instead? We could have worked together to take him down!"

"We have worked together before, in a way. I was the one responsible for putting together the dossiers on your 'suicide mission'. You remember the Collector Base fondly, I'm sure. The salarian doctor, the asari justicar, the drell… they were all mistakes. We were a pro-human group looking to aliens for help. So, I bided my time, and when I found another you who agreed… I assisted your father in waking her up."

"What's the point of all this?" Zoe was visibly losing her patience, and a second after the question left her lips, she noticed James being to stir.

When he let out a low, rumbling moan, Mel smacked him across the face with her gun once more, "God, I can't wait to hear that sack of shit beg for his life. The _point_ , you hard-headed little bitch, is that we needed your Spectre code."

"You're the one that's going to be begging for your life at the end of this, Melloria!" Shepard bellowed, forcing back the tears that threatened to crest to the surface, "I should never have taken pity on you! I should have put a bullet in your brain the second I saw you at Huerta!"

"Aww, I'm hurt," the redhead stuck her lip out again, and Zoe had a powerful urge to rip it right off her face.

"Fair warning: No one who's betrayed us has ever lived to tell about it. The three of you won't be any exception, I promise you," Shepard could feel a rant coming on, and there was nothing she could do to stop herself, "You all may think you're clever, but clever doesn't beat a bullet. And yeah, I may be trapped in here, but don't get fucking comfortable, because that bull's-eye on your back is getting bigger by the second."

"You always were overly dramatic, Z," Mel shook her head in amusement, "And if someone like, say, Commander Shepard made that threat, I'd be worried. But you're not Shepard. Not anymore. You had Miranda. I have 'Brooks'. Yours has a better ass, but mine has more bite."

"Five years, you were awake! Why now, Melloria? Why wait so long if you wanted to get rid of me so badly?" Zoe was purposefully drawing out the altercation now, hoping James would finally come to and somehow take the women out.

"I…" the redhead hesitated, a shadow of doubt flashing across her visage that quickly turned to hateful rage, "I was _pissed_ at you. I wanted to be anywhere _but_ near you, so I found a way to keep my survival a secret. You never even tried to find out if I was having a funeral! You just accepted my death! I started to realize you never cared about me at all, but I loved you too much. I thought, when I found out you were promoted to commander of your own ship, that maybe you were different — stronger; not so much of a fucking coward. I watched you succeed time after time, and I thought maybe, if I could get on your good side again, things could heal between us, and I could convince you to rejoin the _right_ cause; that I wouldn't resent you so much. But I was wrong. You got everything that _I_ deserved! All you did was hide! _I'm_ the one that put my life on the line to save our squad! It should have been _me_ in your shoes! Instead, I lost everything! And it was _all your fault!_ You should have died on Akuze, like all the rest of those sniveling bastards!"

Shepard's attempt to stall was having the desired effect, and though Mel's words struck a nerve, the anguish that was welling up inside her quickly dissipated when, from the corner of her eye, she saw the lieutenant begin to squirm again. He didn't make a sound this time, and Zoe thought she had Melloria distracted enough not to notice, but to her dismay, the redhead turned just in time to catch the movement.

"Goddammit, you're like a fucking cockroach," she reared back her foot and slammed it into his stomach, motioning 'Brooks' over, "Help me get him up. Z, do your thing, babe. We're out of here."

The clone made a move towards a console nearby, quickly punching in a series of commands, and Shepard watched in anxious frustration as her service record scrolled upwards along the screen.

"What the hell are you doing?" she snapped at fake-Shepard.

"Setting things right. Remember this?" the doppelgänger stepped back from the terminal as a short recording of Zoe's Spectre initiation began to play, "You didn't just betray the woman you loved, you betrayed your whole species. You've saved more alien lives than human."

"I don't give a shit what species they are. Every life counts — otherwise I would have killed your girlfriend when I had the chance," Shepard growled, hating the helpless feeling that ebbed through her as she watched Mel and 'Brooks' drag James' lifeless body away.

The clone chuckled heartlessly, "You know, the one thing they can't duplicate? Our handprint. Life gives it its shape, not our DNA. Which is a problem."

Fake-Zoe stepped back to the terminal, busying herself with updating the records in real-Zoe's file. The commander let out another vicious bellow, pounding the containment shield with all her might. Ashley sprung to her side, grabbing her shoulders and forcing her away from it.

"You're only going to wear yourself out, Shepard," the LC whispered in her ear, "We'll get out of this and we will save him, okay?"

"So sweet. You're like sisters, huh? Putting the fun in dysfunctional, am I right?" the clone took on a syrupy tone as she finished her task and turned her back on them, "Now, if you'll excuse me, the Normandy needs it's captain… so, uh… _I should go_."

_Shit, do I sound that corny? No fucking way…_

Shepard shot the doppelgänger a disgusted look, as Mel broke off from Brooks and Vega long enough to pull the faux commander to her and plant a long, slow kiss on her maroon lips. Zoe felt a spontaneous surge of jealousy shoot through her heart, but she hastily shoved it away, knowing the residual feeling came from a place inside of her that had long since been put to rest.

The redhead broke the embrace abruptly, throwing real-Shepard a self-assured smirk before shoving fake-Shepard forward forcefully towards the third woman, "You help her. That jarhead is heavy as hell, it's making my back hurt. Good riddance, Commander. I guess this is where _'legends'_ go to die."

* * *

"Let's get the fucking lead out!" Shepard shot forth like a bolt of lightening, skidding down the ladder and landing hard on her knees, "Shit! They're getting ready to take off! When we have to take off there's a goddamn half hour of preflight checks. They just gun the engine and go?!"

"The clone must have used your Spectre authorization to get clearance for an immediate departure," Ashley pointed out, jogging up to the commander's side.

"Well, I know what I'm doing next time I want to get the hell off the Citadel," Zoe scoffed, ducking behind a crate just in time to dodge several spurts of gunfire from the mercs across the way, "Errrrraaaahh! I didn't come this far just to watch the Normandy leave with _my man!_ "

The LC tried to stifle the laugh that comment elicited but there was no use, "Your man? I never saw Vega as the damsel in distress type."

"I meant 'my man' as in, like, my crew member," she shot the brunette a nasty sneer, before taking out the last of the troopers that blocked their path, "Like, you're all 'my men'… I— You know what I mean! _Jesus_ … let's just get to the damn ship."

Garrus joined Ashley in raucous bursts of laughter, drawing a frustrated grumble from the commander. Now was not the time to be joking, and Shepard was quickly loosing her patience with the duo. She jogged ahead, drowning out the sounds of their guffaws with her own anxiety-ridden thoughts of the lieutenant. Melloria was sure to waste no time starting in on him, once they got settled on board the ship. It was only a matter of minutes before she hurt him, really hurt him this time.

_Torture… she said she was going to torture him. She doesn't know torture, yet… just you wait, bitch. You think he caused you pain, just fucking wait 'til I get my claws in you…_

_'Don't become her. I've seen it happen before, and as much as we couldn't stand to lose you to an untimely death, we can't stand to lose you to the cold isolation of vengeance, either.'_ Doctor Chakwas' wise words echoed in her memory, as Zoe turned the corner and ran straight into Samantha, looking completely bewildered and heartbroken. When the specialist locked eyes with the commander, her face went pale, as if she was seeing a ghost.

"Wha—Wait, what?! You were just on the Normandy! You — you _fired_ me! Dishonorable discharge for conduct unbecoming!" Traynor sputtered, obviously confused as hell by what was taking place, "You kicked me off the ship with barely enough time to grab my toothbrush!"

"Come on, Traynor, does that really sound like me?" Zoe stepped towards her, pointing deliberately at the gadget in Samantha's hand, "I'd never make you leave your Cision Pro Mark 4, that uses tiny mass effect fields to break up plaque and massage the gums."

"Yes. I… told you that," the specialist's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"And I remember because I'm the real Shepard," the commander gave the short brunette a look that clearly screamed 'duh', "Did you not notice the hair?"

"Well, yes, but I assumed you'd colored it. I... I don't know, it all happened so fast! However, I did think it was strange that you were letting that hateful woman back on board… and O'Brien… she seemed uncharacteristically concerned about the state of the lieutenant," realization cascaded over Samantha's countenance, "If you're the real you, then who just threw me off the ship?!"

"Shepard's got a clone," Garrus interjected, his tone dead-pan, as if it shouldn't be news, "It was only a matter of time before we ran into this kind of thing, if you think about it."

"I'll explain more later," Zoe let out an exasperated sigh, "Do you know where they took James?"

"I have no idea," Traynor shook her head, "You… _she_ kicked me off the ship as soon as you — she, _damn_ … as soon as _she_ stepped on board."

"The door's sealed, ma'am," Ashley informed them all, as the lock let out a buzzing error noise, "They're getting ready to take off. We need another way in."

"Is there anyone left on board that can help us?" the desperation in Shepard's voice was thick, "Addams? Donnelly? Daniels? _Anyone_?"

"No, I was only on board because I helped with the retrofitting back on Earth. Everyone else is on shore leave."

"Not everyone," the commander let out a heavy sigh, rubbing at her face with both hands, "Okay, okay. Samantha, I know you know this ship, inside and out. Think. Is there any other way to get me in there?"

Traynor's eyes shot wide, as an idea visibly shifted into her mind, "Yes! There's an emergency exit hatch for evacuations, right over here!"

She motioned the group towards the spot, leaning down and yanking the cover off the recess in the floor. Shepard bent down beside her, scanning the portal with her omni-tool and puffing out another annoyed breath at the information that presented itself.

"Fucking manual lock, of course. Only meant to be opened from the other side. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated."

"You could try to trigger it with a biotic field, Commander," Ashley suggested.

"I'm good, but I'm not that good, Ash," Shepard shook her head in defeat, "It would take a whole other level of precision to pull that off."

Suddenly, a whirring sound flooded the cubicle, and when Zoe turned to search for the source of the noise, an amused grin spread across her cheeks. Samantha was brandishing her toothbrush like a mighty sword, staring at it as if it were their first and last line of defense, their only life line — and she was precisely right in that assumption. Shepard allowed herself a laugh at the expressions on the faces of the other three, forgetting her worries for a split-second, as she considered the idea that a dental tool was about to save all their asses.

_James is going to get a kick out of this._

"If you'd told me this morning that a toothbrush was going to save the Normandy, I would have been _very_ skeptical."

* * *

"Clap him in some omni-cuffs and take him to the captain's cabin. I'll deal with him shortly," Melloria ordered the guards, as the mercs shoved Vega forward with the barrels of their rifles, "We're gonna have some fun later, Muscles."

"Eat shit, O'Brien," he snarled, the trooper in front of him taking no great pains to be easy with the restraints, "Shepard's coming. And this time, she's not gonna let you off so fuckin' easy."

"I'm shaking, really," Mel rolled her eyes derisively, "We'll see how tough she is when her precious _boy toy_ is laying in pieces in her own bed. Get him out of here."

With that, the mercenaries led him towards the lift, and the redhead turned her attention to faux-Shepard, her expression full of sincere admiration, "God, look at you. You're perfect. So much better than _her_."

As they wrapped their arms around each other, another trooper came marching forward, "Ma'am! Just before takeoff, the Normandy registered a perimeter access alert in one of the security hatches."

"Dammit, that bitch won't fucking die!" Mel snarled, "Where is she?"

"Unknown," the merc lieutenant informed her with a nervous tremble in his voice, "When we shut down the AI, we disabled a lot of security systems. Shepard could be anywhere on the ship."

" _Shepard_ is standing right in front of you!" the redhead lunged towards the trooper, smacking him across the face with her pistol, sending a resounding clang soaring through the air when the firearm made contact with his helmet, "Do I make myself clear?!"

"It's better this way," Brooks interjected, as she stepped down from the galaxy map behind them, "Wouldn't the two of you rather take her down yourselves?"

"You handle it," Mel cast a leering glare at the false commander, "I'm going to go play with the jarhead for a while."

The three of them entered the elevator, the clone shooting one last order at the group of mercenaries, "Armory, find her. Slow her down."

The doors shut them in and Melloria whipped around to her new play thing, "Hey! I give the orders around here. Your only job is to shut up and look pretty."

"What are you talking about? _I'm_ Commander Shepard, _I_ give the orders!" the clone was proving to be just as infuriatingly obstinate as her human counter-part.

"The hell you do! Don't forget, _I'm_ the one that saved you from your fate. If it wasn't for me, you'd still be in a coma, alone in a lab somewhere," Mel growled, fiery ferocity lighting her eyes, "You owe your life to me!"

"Actually, _I'm_ the one that woke her up, O'Brien," the stately brunette pointed out, imprudently.

"Shut up, you stupid bitch!" the redhead spun on her toes, shoving her gun into the other woman's face, "We don't need you anymore. Don't think I'll hesitate to blow your goddamn brains out. This is _my_ ship, _my_ command! The two of you are just along for the ride, _got it?_ "

The terrified duo nodded their compliance, as the lift doors opened into the hallway outside of the captain's cabin. Melloria narrowed her gaze threateningly, firing off a warning shot into the cubicle wall, directly between the two women's heads. Her last move was to pull fake-Zoe into a passionate embrace, crushing their lips together and holding on tightly when the clone tried to struggle out of her grasp. When she'd had her fill, she shoved the other woman backwards violently, before stomping out of the lift and disappearing into the cabin.

James sat slumped over on the couch in the corner, moaning and lethargic, having been injected with a cocktail of sedatives at Melloria's behest. They'd stripped him of his armor as well, leaving him bare but for his dark boxer shorts. The redhead lumbered towards him, sticking the nose of her pistol under Vega's chin, tilting his head up to look at her.

"Hey there, Muscles," she began, her eyes glinting with vengeance, "You look like hell. And you're about to look a lot worse."

She lifted her foot from the ground and yanked a dagger from the side of her boot, tossing her firearm onto the coffee table before leaning down over him. She dug the blade across his left cheek, slow and deep, sending a blinding surge of pain through his flesh and dragging a ragged groan from his parched throat.

"That's what I like to hear," Mel chuckled maliciously, "Scream for me, baby."

Suddenly, the dagger was buried in his right side, all the way down to the hilt. James let out an anguished bellow that echoed off the metallic walls and sent a thrilling wave of glee cascading over the devilish woman.

"Yes! Do it again!" she jerked the knife free, plunging it into the opposite side of his abdomen with a deafening cackle, "Oh, god, yes! Is this as good for you as it is for me?"

"Fuck you," the lieutenant sputtered through the seething ache in his gut, "Piece of shit. Fucking evil bruja."

"Aww, that's not very nice, Jimmy," she snaked her fingers through his mohawk, wrenching his head back, coming with in inches of his face, "Poor little Lola. On her way to her death bed. And you won't even get to say goodbye."

Vega gnashed his teeth together and sucked in a breath, shooting a mass of saliva right into Mel's eyes. She threw out her hand, connecting hard with the side of his face, and swiped at the moisture with an enraged snarl.

"That was _disgusting_ , Jimmy," she flung her hand rapidly, wiping it on her shirt with a sickened expression, "Honestly, I thought you had better manners than that. I'm trying to be a good host, here. I mean, I put you up in this cushy pad. Later, me and Z are even going to give you a free show. What more could you ask for?"

"I could ask you to go rot," his lip pulled up in a sneer, and he could taste fresh, warm blood as it trickled from his nose, "Why don't you just put a fuckin' bullet in me and be done with it?"

"What fun would that be?" Mel shook her head, a saccharine sweet giggle lilting through the air, "No. I'm not going to kill you, Muscles. I'm going to _break_ you. I'm going to make you see and do things that will have you wishing you were never born. First of those things being… I'm going to make you _kill_ your precious _Princess Lola_."

"You're fuckin' insane if you think there's any chance in hell you can make me do something like that!"

"Then I must be insane, because if my calculations are correct, she'll be barreling in here any minute to save that sweet ass of yours. And I have a little trick up my sleeve," Melloria plucked a small, cylindrical device from her pocket and brandished it in his face, before continuing her hateful diatribe, "See this? Z's daddy really was a smart man. I can see where she gets it from. This right here, Jimmy, is one of the implants they used in Sanctuary. You know, the ones that control the man-made Reapers? All I have to do is cut open a little slit right there in the back of your neck, shove this little baby in there, and then _BAM!_ You won't have a _choice_."

James wanted to lunge at her, pull all his strength to rip through the omni-cuffs and tear her head off. But whatever they had drugged him with was giving his entire body the sensation that it was filled with a ton of rocks. His legs wouldn't budge and his arms felt as if they were cemented to his lap. It was infuriating, this sense of helplessness, and his mind wandered to thoughts of Shepard, praying to everything that was holy that she'd find a way out of this one.

Just then, a ruckus sounded on the other side of the door. Melloria swore loudly, shoving Vega's head down and bringing the tip of dagger to the back of his neck. He could feel her hands trembling, and he knew that she wouldn't be quick enough now to follow through with her plan. She was stumbling, sloppy, and hesitant. Before she could even finish carving into his flesh, Zoe came crashing into the room, bruised and bloodied, but looking ready to put up one hell of a fight, with Ashley and Garrus close on her heels.

"Get the fuck away from him, Melloria!" the commander shot forth, her eyes flashing to James for a brief second, filling with savage rage, before focusing back on O'Brien, "Give me one reason why I should let you live… and then, I'm going to kill you anyway."

Mel held up her hands in surrender, stepping away from the lieutenant cautiously, "Hey, Z. This isn't what it looks like, I swear."

"God, you can't expect me to believe that," Zoe scoffed, advancing on the redhead, and shoving the barrel of her Mattock into Melloria's throat, "Did you really think you would get away with this?"

"Well, in my defense, I had a pretty good plan," O'Brien waved the gadget and blade that she still clutched in her fingers, before dropping them to the ground, "But, you're still the best, babe. I'll give you that much."

"You still haven't given me a reason," Shepard snarled, pressing the gun deeper, "Not that it will do you any good."

"You're being redundant, Z," Mel sneered, rolling her eyes, "If you're going to kill me, just do it. Unless you still don't have the balls."

"I've got the balls," the commander smirked wickedly, "But this isn't going to be as simple as a bullet to your brain. Not after what you did to him… and to me. Oh, by the way, your _girlfriend_ is dead. She threw herself out of the hangar, and went spiraling into the shopping district, because she couldn't stand the thought of spending the rest of her life with you."

"You're full of shit. She loved the idea of being with someone as powerful as me. Unlike you. You never could handle how superior I am."

"Funny, looks like I'm the one with all the power now."

Zoe knelt down, carefully leaving her gun trained on the other woman's lithe frame, and retrieved the dagger from where it had landed between their feet. However, Melloria was quicker than the commander ever gave her credit for. Without warning, the redhead jerked her knee up into Zoe's face, swooping down and yanking the knife from her hand, shoving it forcefully into the armor break at Shepard's shoulder blade. There was a series of shots, and an ear piercing scream, as Mel's body toppled to the ground, landing heavily on top of the wounded commander.

"Zoe!" James called to her, struggling against the medicated weight in his limbs.

Garrus and Ashley charged towards the commander, pushing Melloria's body to the side to check for signs of life.

The LC hastily scanned over Shepard with her omni-tool to get a read on her vitals, "She's fine! Breathing is normal, heart-rate is elevated but stable. The knife got in there pretty deep, but it doesn't look too serious. Seems like it missed everything major."

"What about her?" the turian nodded to the incapacitated redhead as he pulled the blade free, and Ashley drug the device across Melloria at his request.

"She's gone," the LC nodded resolutely.

"Are we sure this time?" Garrus quizzed, suspicious of the woman's continued resilience.

"Oh yeah, no read whatsoever. You got her good with that last headshot. She's not coming back from that," the brunette grasped Shepard's shoulders and gave her a gentle shake, "Hey, Commander. Are you okay? Can you hear me?"

"Ahh! Dammit, Ash, I just got stabbed! Don't grab my fucking shoulder like that!" Zoe barked, turning her head a bit to search O'Brien's pale, blank face, "So, she's dead…"

"Yeah. I'm sorry Shepard," Garrus reached for her hand, but Shepard yanked it away.

"The only thing you should be sorry about is that you didn't let me do it myself," she spat, pushing herself up and sucking in a sharp breath when the pain from the wound shot down her arm, "Where's James?"

"Right where you left me, Lola," the lieutenant's words were slurred, but even through his miserable state, his tone held a hint of humor, "Hey, uh, can one of you guys find me some pants, maybe?"

"James!" Zoe clambered towards him, stumbling and falling at his feet, "Are you alright? Shit, she got you good."

"It's just a few flesh wounds, coulda been way worse if you hadn't gotten here when you did," he seethed in a breath when she prodded at the wounds on his sides to check the depth of them, "Hey, maybe don't poke those? They're still kinda sore."

"Sorry. Shit, I'm sorry," she backed up a bit, turning her attention to hacking off the omni-cuffs, "What was she planning? Can you get up?"

"No, whatever they got me on has me pretty much paralyzed," he cocked his head to the side to draw her gaze back to his, "She was gonna indoctrinate me, make me kill you, Lola. That little device she had was something they used on Horizon. One of the things your dad invented to control the Reapers."

"Ashley, grab that thing. Take it to Liara, see if she can do some research on it. And find out if she knows an antidote for whatever it is they drugged the lieutenant with," Zoe ordered, sweeping her omni-tool over James in an attempt to find the source of his paralysis, "I'm sending the data on his vitals to her right now. And Garrus, since you so kindly put the _bitch_ down, can you please get her body out of my room?"

"Roger that," the turian nodded, and the two set about on their individual tasks, leaving the commander and lieutenant alone for the time being.

"James, I… I'm so sorry," she choked out, ignoring the ache in her shoulder in favor of focusing her concern solely on him, as she coated the wounds on his sides in medi-gel with trembling hands, "This is my fault. She could have killed you, and I wouldn't have been able to stop it."

" _Don't_ ," he shook his head defiantly, "Don't you dare blame yourself for this. Look at me. She wouldn't have killed me, you understand? She wanted me to kill _you_. She was gonna use me, then make me watch while she and the other you lived it up. She wanted to turn me into a zombie so she could rub it in my face for the rest of my life. But you stopped her. You saved me, Commander. Don't let your mind tell you anything different."

Zoe finally let the tears that had been welling behind her eyes flow freely down her ruddy cheeks, reaching up to take care of the slices across his face, "I'm so sorry. Look at you. God, what did I do…"

"It's okay, Lola," he finally managed to move his arm enough to brush lightly at her jaw, "Everything's gonna be alright, I promise."


	25. Back to Basics

Leave it to Commander Zoe Shepard to be the person to have a psychotic, scientifically engineered clone out kill her. Things had come to a head, and ended surprisingly quickly, inside the shuttle bay of the poor, abused Normandy. Now, after all the gunplay that had gone down inside her, the old girl needed work more than ever. When the crew had finally made it out safely, Wrex and Joker had followed her back to her apartment, and somehow, in her sleep deprived state, the pilot had convinced her to throw a party to celebrate their victory. It was the last thing she wanted to do right then, especially after her extensive injuries and her growing worry about James' less than ideal state, but she figured she may feel differently after she'd had a long, much needed sleep.

She collapsed into the downy comforter and tried her best to relax, but she couldn't get the image out of her head of 'herself' willfully falling from the hangar of the ship. It had been an eerie sight, to witness someone that was a mirror image of herself, basically commit suicide. The clone hadn't been dissimilar from who she was when Cerberus had first rebuilt her after she had died; or when she'd had the confrontation with Ashley and Doctor Chakwas only a few days prior in the Normandy's medbay. It was more like having an evil twin, than a clone, in all actuality. After the whole Cerberus thing had gone down, her situation had been eerily reminiscent of what had inevitably caused Clone Shepard to make the heart-wrenching decision to end her life.

No friends, no real allies, no way out of being persecuted for her crimes — crimes she saw as necessary for the greater good. Granted, Clone Shepard's idea of the 'greater good' had been twisted by her envy and greed. But who could really blame a person that was created to be nothing more than spare parts for someone that was praised as the savior of the galaxy. She'd probably had one hell of an inferiority complex, especially considering she'd quickly found herself under the iron fist of none other than Melloria O'Brien.

Zoe had tried her best to convince the other her to let herself be saved, but to no avail. Her mind drifted back to when she'd been teetering on the brink, after the destruction of the Batarian Relay. Who had been there to try to pull her back? None of the people she had depended on for so long, that was for sure. But she did have one person back then, a man who was no more than a complete stranger at the time.

_James, I owe you my life, and my sanity… if only you knew._

Somewhere along the way, Shepard had finally drifted to sleep. It hadn't been for long, but that was nothing new. Even when she had the option to sleep in, her internal clock still unmercifully sounded the alarms after only a few hours rest. When she awoke, she found that the majority of her crew evidently had the same problem. A number of new message notifications blinked on her computer screen. She scanned through them, mentally mapping out her day based on the various requests to meet up from the lot of them. James' email was one of the last in the list, which meant he'd been one of the first to send something. The time stamp said 4:37 AM, which was only about a half hour after they'd made it in that morning. It was 8:30 AM now, and Shepard could already tell she had a long day ahead of her.

_Can't possibly be longer than yesterday._

So much had happened in that single day. As the commander made her rounds to the various venues dotting the Silversun Strip to visit with her comrades, she felt a little guilty that her focus on them was not all it could be. She sensed another heated discussion with the lieutenant coming on, whenever she actually worked up the nerve to invite him up. However, she did manage to convince herself to splurge a little, and actually do a little frivolous shopping for herself, for once. A few sassy outfits and a dozen new music tracks later, she was on her way to her last stop, meeting up with Joker to set the party's date and time for the next night. She had entirely too much relaxing and hanging out to do to be bothered with the shindig tonight, and tomorrow would be their last day grounded. It would be an appropriate send off before getting back out into the fray.

When she was done out on the plaza, she met up with Tali and Ashley at the apartment to catch a cheesy chick flick that was a favorite of the young quarian. The love story had been sappy and cliche, but by the end, Shepard was a simpering ball of snot and tears. She peered up from the tissue she was blowing her nose in to see the confused expressions of the other girls leering down at her.

"What?" she shot with a defensive tone.

Ashley was obviously trying to stifle a laugh, "Didn't exactly peg you for the type to cry over a romantic movie, Commander."

"In Shepard's defense, it's really a touching ending," Tali put a comforting hand on Zoe's shoulder.

"I'm fine, I'm just tired," the CO lied through her teeth, "I don't usually even watch this kind of thing."

In all actuality, romance novels and movies were a guilty pleasure of hers. Shepard hadn't had a lot of that kind of thing in her life, so she found solace in the fictional versions of it. Like she'd told James all those months ago, she enjoyed escaping to worlds that almost always had a happily ever after. She didn't, however, usually react this way to the tales. The lieutenant, and their inevitable meet up, was still looming in the back of her mind. The story had, indeed, been a romance, but it had ended with the two lovers unable to be together. Their responsibilities to their people and dedication to their work won out over their selfish desires to be together.

_Shit, why did that have to hit so close to home?_

"Next time, we're watching a comedy, dammit," Shepard sighed, wiping at her running nose one more time, "I didn't ask for these feelings."

"Come on, Tali, let's go. Give Zoe a chance to rest," Ashley stood and motioned for the quarian to follow her out, "Later, hun. Actually try to get some sleep tonight, yeah?"

"Later, Shepard," Tali waved a goodbye, but turned as they neared the door and called back, "Hey, if you're interested, I wrote a story about how they find each other again years later and rekindle the fires of their love. Just let me know if you want to read it, I'll email it to you! It's a little risqué but it's pretty good, I think."

"Thanks, Tali, I'll let you know. See you two tomorrow."

With that they left. Zoe's aching muscles were calling out to the hot tub in her upstairs bathroom, but she knew she should seize the moment to collect herself and invite the lieutenant up. She crossed to the back room and started up the computer to send James a reply. To her surprise, almost instantly, he sent a message back saying he'd be up within the hour. That gave the commander some time to sort herself out before he showed his face, at least. Her first order of business was to let her hair down and readjust it into a lose braid; keeping it up in a tight bun was a hard habit to break.

Why she kept it such a cumbersome length, she wasn't really sure, but the way James looked at her whenever she let it fall lose gave her reason enough not to chop it all off. Her mind wandered to that first kiss they had shared; the way his initial instinct had been to reach for the clasp that held her bun in place, and the way his fingers felt as they tangled into her mussed up locks. Shepard felt her blood blaze at the memory, and her flesh crawled with goosebumps from her head to her toes.

_Oh yeah, I am not cutting this mess any time soon…_

* * *

"Hey, Lola, you in here?" James meandered into the apartment, searching the kitchen and balcony for any signs of Shepard's presence, but she was nowhere to be found.

"I'm in the office!"

When he turned the corner into the small room, he smiled at the sight of her; she was slumped at the computer desk, a word program opened up on the screen, eyes squinted in concentration, as she typed away. Her hair was plaited in a plain braid, but it looked as if she'd slept with it that way. Strands were sticking out this way and that, and the elastic at the end was close to slipping clean off. She brought one slender hand up and rubbed at her eyes for a long minute before turning to acknowledge his presence.

"Hey, James," her voice came out gruff and exhausted, as if she'd had a long day and hadn't had nearly enough sleep the night before, "How are you feeling today?"

"Fine. Like I said, just a couple flesh wounds. Most of 'em are already healing," he stepped up to the desk and leaned a hip against it, "How 'bout you? That was some pretty bizarre shit, even for this crew."

Shepard pulled at the band at the end of her braid, shaking her her hair loose and running her fingers through the tangled ends, "You're telling me… but at least Mel is taken care of. Though, I much rather would have ended the bitch myself."

"It's better the way it happened. You didn't need that on your conscience along with everything else that messes with your head on the daily."

"Ha, you don't have to tell me," Zoe rolled her eyes, searching over what she'd written, her lips curling back in disgust.

"Is this a bad time?"

"No, sorry, I just go off into my own little world when I'm doing this. I wasn't planning on writing, but when I sat down at the computer, it just kind of happened. I hit a bit of a wall right before you got in here anyway, though. I've been trying to write through it, but nothing's coming out the way I want it to," Shepard reached a single finger out to the backspace button, deleting almost an entire paragraph before finally letting it go.

"What are you working on?"

She turned her head slightly, peeking at him from the corner of her eye, "Promise you won't laugh?"

The indication that it could be something embarrassing peaked James' curiosity, "Yeah, I promise."

"I'm working on my memoirs… like, an autobiography of sorts," she waited for the inevitable guffaw, but was surprised when none came.

"That's awesome! Are you gonna publish it when it's finished?"

"Maybe," she cleared her throat nervously, taken aback a bit by his enthusiasm, "I mean, if it ever gets finished. The more I write, the more I'm reminded just how insane my life has been in the past decade. I'm not sure anyone would believe it if they were to actually read it."

"How far back does it go?"

"I was only going to go back through when all the mess with Saren started," she shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "But I've been rethinking it lately… I think I'm going to go back farther than that."

"Anything about me in there?" he teased.

"Maybe a little…" Zoe tossed him a quick, cheeky grin.

"You write a lot?"

"It helps keep my mind sharp and pass the time between missions," she typed something else into the keyboard and spun to face him, turning the computer screen in his direction, "Have you seen this yet, by any chance?"

She had pulled up a gossip news webpage with an article on the benefit they'd attended the night before. The picture that accompanied the words, plus the ridiculous headline, made James want to burst into laughter and run for the hills at the same time. There they were, with Zoe leaned backwards in his arms, staring up at him with a stunned expression — the paparazzi must have been quick to have caught the almost-fall, and the lieutenant internally cursed them for it. His eyes scanned down the article, progressively getting wider as he read on.

_**Humanity's Newest Sexy Spectre Sweeps Shepard Off Her Feet** _

_The talk of the night was supposed to be the charitable funds being raised for the war effort, but before the festivities could even begin a more intriguing story fell right into our laps! Or, should we say, into the arms of a handsome Alliance marine. Scandalous Shepard strikes again, it would seem. She never fails to turn heads, but now it appears she's stealing hearts as well. The strapping specimen that found himself on the arm of everyone's favorite Commander is none other than humanity's newest Spectre recruit, Lieutenant James Vega. So, what's the story with these two? Is it business casual or something more cozy? This reporter's sources sure did notice a lot of hand-holding and dreamy eyes going on during the gala. They also report that the two stole away to a dark corner for a heated moment of passion. How romantic! We know we'll be keeping an eye out for this power couple in the days to come._

After that, the article mercifully veered off the subject to cover the actual benefit. Vega stood stunned, jaw slack with disbelief.

"They're never going to let this die, you know that right?" Shepard closed her eyes and massaged at her temples, "Congratulations. You're as famous as I am now."

"Well, at least it's a good picture. And they didn't notice any of the other stuff we were doing, so that's a plus," he finally managed to clasp his jaw back together and threw her a teasing smirk, "Can you send me a copy of that?"

"Joke all you want, but you have no idea what you're in for in the media. They're going to scrutinize every move we make now."

"Hey, I tried to get out of it."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. It was a stupid move that I pulled for a stupid reason."

James quirked an amused brow, "Oh yeah? What reason is that?"

She side-eyed him with a look that said _'I know you know'_ , before finally noticing the hardback book he was clutching in one hand, "What have you got there?"

"I, uh… found something you might be interested in. Well, actually, Anderson's men found it while they were scouting through the wreckage of Alliance Headquarters. I kinda asked him to tell them to keep an eye out," James held it out to her, and Zoe's mouth dropped open in shock when she recognized the charred covering, "I looked through it, and none of the pages are messed up. It's just the cover got a little scorched. He's got a few more too, just hasn't had time to send 'em yet."

"That's…" she stood, reaching out a quavering hand to take it, turning it over in her palms as tears brimmed on the cusps of her eyes, "It's Jane Eyre… this is my favorite book. I can't believe it made it through all that."

"That's the one you were reading the first day we met, right?"

Shepard finally met his gaze fully, a smile spreading broadly across her face, "Yeah… can I… read you a little something from it?"

"Sure," James shrugged nonchalantly, following her over to the bench seat near the door, sitting so close to her that their knees easily brushed together.

She turned to a page that was dotted with highlighter marks and notes scribbled in the margins, focusing her shimmering eyes on a paragraph near the center, as she took in a deep breath before reading the passage aloud, "'I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you —especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous Channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly. As for you,— you'd forget me.'"

Her words were shaky and breathless, and the lieutenant wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms, but he hesitated, "What I said back on the Normandy, I was serious. It's gonna be alright, Lola. Somehow, things'll work out, eventually."

"You realize, it doesn't have to be that way anymore?"

"Huh? What do you mean?" he looked entirely perplexed by the suggestion.

"Do you know what being a Spectre _means_ , James?"

"I have a pretty good idea, but what does that have to do with us?"

"Don't you remember what the turian councilor said _yesterday morning?_ " her expression was pleading with him to make the connection.

He thought for a moment, trying to recall what she was referring to, but the event had been so spontaneous and unexpected that it wasn't much more than a blur now, "I hate to say it, but you may have to refresh my memory."

"The rules don't apply anymore, James," she narrowed her eyes at him, "You know, those rules against _fraternization_. The regulations against a relationship with your commanding officer... We're equals in the eyes of the Council, and the Alliance _rarely_ dares challenge the Council."

It finally hit him, the realization in his eyes appearing like the sun cresting over the horizon at dawn, "No shit."

_Well, that's one way to say it._

"Yeah, no shit."

He took a sharp breath in and edged away from her, "Dammit."

"James?" Zoe reached out for his arm, but he wouldn't look at her, "I thought you'd be happy about this."

"It doesn't really change anything, Shepard."

"But… Why not?" she yanked her hand away, balling her fists in frustration.

"You're still my CO, whether the Council says the rules are there or not, I can't just forget everything I've been taught my entire military career," he peered down at his hands, clenching and unclenching his fingers anxiously, "And besides that, you're still you."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" the moisture welling in her eyes was angry now, instead of sentimental.

The lieutenant sighed, standing and turning his back on her, taking a few steps away, "I've been thinking too much about it since you called things off. I looked up to you for years. You were basically my hero. Do you know how weird it is to finally meet your hero face to face, fall hard for them, and have them actually like you back? The more I thought about it, the more I couldn't wrap my head around it."

"We've talked about this, James. I'm not some kind of infallible deity that wants to be worshiped. I'm just me, that's all I know how to be. I grew up in a _shit_ town with a _shit_ childhood that led to some really _shit_ decisions, just like you. It's not like I asked for this! As dedicated as you are to the job, if the timing had been different, it easily could have been you standing in my shoes, and me in yours. Can't you see that? What the hell are you afraid of?" she was allowing the salty tears to fall freely, done holding back at this point — after all the internal struggle she'd gone through to bring herself this far, she had nothing left to lose if she was going to lose him, to his own hangups nonetheless.

He spun on his heels to face her, "I'm afraid of never being good enough for you!"

The confession struck her like a smack to the face, and she shot up out of her seat, "James, did you even hear a word I said?"

He was breathing heavily, shifting his eyes away from her, obviously taking great pains to control his overwhelming emotions, "Yeah, I heard you, but you don't get it, Shepard."

Zoe sneered, like a dragon breathing fire, "You're just like the rest of the fucking galaxy. You think you know so much about me. You think you know my doubts and my fears, because you know the small fraction of my background I've allowed you to be privy to. And even after all the times you've seen me shatter into a million pieces, you still think I'm some kind of unbreakable amazon. But, let me tell you a little something about me, James — I may seem like I have it all together out there in the real world, when it's not just you and me, but the truth is I'm scared as fucking hell. All the time. Every time I set foot off the shuttle for another mission I'm terrified. I'm scared right now! I'm absolutely mortified of how the words coming out of my mouth at this moment are going to affect you and our situation. But I'm saying them anyway, because it needs to be done. Same goes for every decision I've ever made along the way. I didn't want to decide whether to let Ashley or Kaiden live or die. I didn't want to decide whether to work with Cerberus to bring down the Collectors. But I did it because I had to. What would you have done differently in my situation?"

It wasn't just a rhetorical question, and she stood there steaming as she waited for Vega to answer, so he gave it to her honestly, "Nothing."

Shepard looked at him with eyes that clearly communicated she'd known what his answer would be before he said it, "Exactly. So why the hell am I being put on some kind of golden pedestal when I was living and fighting and fucking _dying_ out of pure necessity?! By you of all people. You're one of the only people in the world that's seen me break. You know I'm not made of iron. You know more than anyone that I'm barely holding it together every day. Why do you think I let you see that part of me?"

"I don't know!" He was getting visibly irritated with his inability to fix this with some kind of witty remark.

"Because I care about you, James. You're the only person in my life that's ever made me feel like it was okay to be weak when I need to be. All I wanted to do was be your friend, but I can't pretend this isn't happening anymore. I tried to push it back, I tried so fucking hard, because I was afraid. I was afraid to hurt you, afraid I'd get you in trouble, afraid I might die on you at any moment, or that you might die on me. What happened with Mel… it hurt, _bad_. That wound will be bleeding for years to come. What I went through after Akuze, I can't go through that again, especially with someone that actually gives a damn about me and I don't want to put someone else through it either. But… do you know what I came to realize when I started bringing you back out on missions, Jimmy?"

All he did was shrug, so she went on with her rant, "As long as we're one each other's good sides, I fight better with you there. I worry less with you there. I'm not afraid of what anyone will think of the decisions I make, because I know you'll have my back. I'm not afraid of any of it anymore, because I'm willing to risk it in order to make a choice for myself, for a change. I was going to kill Melloria with my bare hands. I wasn't afraid to end her life anymore, because I knew it would save yours! I don't just need you by my side, I want you there. I want things to be right and equal between us. It has to be for me to have any chance of staying sane through the end of this."

"What if I can't be that?" he turned his gaze away from her, doubt clouding his face.

"You already _are!_ " exhaustion was flooding through her, weighing heavy on her body and mind, "Look, we don't have to do this. We can go back to the way things were, like none of this ever happened, if that's what you want, as long as we can be friends."

The lieutenant's voice was quiet and reserved, as he gave his regretful reply, "I don't know what I want…"

"That's fine… You feel how you feel, and I'm done talking about it. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have even said anything, I just…" she turned, sitting heavily down on the cushion and leaning back against the wall, "I never used to let my emotions get the best of me before being locked up. I don't know what's happened to me since then. I think I just need to get some sleep."

"I'm sorry, Lola," he took a few steps towards her, reaching out but not quite making contact.

Zoe refused to look at him, as she wiped the moisture from her cheeks with the sleeve of her jacket, "You don't have to apologize. I just want you to know that I'm not running away anymore. I'm here, I'll be here, no matter what you decide to do about it. This is the last time I'll even mention it."

The lieutenant let out a heavy breath, rubbing at his forehead with one hand, "I wish I knew what to say."

"Let's just forget about it for now, please," she shook her head, and tried to put on an air of indifference, "So… now that you've shot me down, was there anything else you came here to talk about?"

"Oh, shit. Right. I can't believe I didn't show you sooner…" he began to walk away, his hands tugging at the hem of his shirt.

James pulled the garment up and over his head, revealing his wide, chiseled back. The N7 tattoo had healed beautifully, perfectly blending with the ink he already had. Zoe felt like he was trying to torture her — she wanted nothing more than to run her nails down those rippling muscles. She took a deep breath in and held it for a minute, attempting to stop her head from swimming.

"What do you think?"

"It looks good, and you've earned it," she was already having a hard time reverting back to professionalism, "Now the real work begins, right?"

"Exactly," Vega gave a small nod, "I heard what you said before, and I'm in. Cien por cientos."

"Glad to hear it," his humble dedication could bring a smile to her face, even if nothing else was going to in this failure of a conversation.

"Anyway… that's it," he pulled the shirt back on quickly, "Just wanted to show you that bad boy. I gotta get back to the Normandy. Esteban wants my help working on the shuttle."

"So, you're gonna ask to come see me privately in my apartment, turn me down like a used bed spread, and then start taking off your clothes in front of me? You're playing _dirty_ , Vega," she was smirking in that old way now, like everything was instantly just peachy.

"Sorry, Lola," Vega shrugged, returning the expression, "I can't pass up a chance to show off the goods to a beautiful woman."

"Yeah, yeah. You know, not that I don't love the nickname, but one thing that might help you start seeing me as a woman, instead of 'Commander Shepard' — start calling me by my real name, again… Don't think I haven't noticed that you stopped," she ambled slowly towards him, "And thanks for the book. It means a lot to have it back… Which reminds me, I have something for you too, actually."

"Oh yeah?" he arched one thick eyebrow in curiosity, "What is it?"

"Come with me," Shepard took his hand, lacing her fingers between his and pulled him out of the room.

She led him across the living room, into the bedroom on the opposite side of the apartment, her heart filling with glee at the way his eyes lit up when they landed on the exercise equipment situated near the far wall.

"No way. You been holdin' out on me, Lola."

"Like what you see, huh?" Zoe grinned wide when he approached the bag, rolling his neck in that sexy way, like he did every time he was preparing to do some kind of strenuous exercise.

"Oh man, this is sweet," he set himself into fighting stance and began his assault on the sack, "This is some high quality stuff. Maybe I could, you know, come here for my workouts while we're still on shore leave. What do you think?"

She crossed to the door that led into the closet and leaned against the wall, watching intently as he went at it, "That was kind of the point of showing you…"

An idea leapt to his mind, suddenly. A way to push past all the nonsense and get back to the better days; a chance to remind them both why they'd gotten along so well from the very first day.

He gave the bag a few more heavy swings, then shot her a devious glance, "You just gonna watch, or you gonna join in?"

"Are you _challenging_ me, Jimmy?" Shepard pursed her lips, her insides shrieking with delight.

"It's been too long, don't you think?" he couldn't wait to see her back in action, in a more relaxed setting, and he cast his eyes towards the pull up bar secured above her head, "What you think? Since, you know, you think pushups are too easy, tough girl."

She leaned her head back to size up the piece of equipment, "I just got stabbed in the shoulder and you're challenging me to pull ups?"

"Oh yeah, forgot about that... Sit ups?"

"I'm kidding, the shoulder is fine. Thank god for medi-gel, Doctor Chakwas, and Mel's terrible aim," Zoe snickered, "So, how many?"

"My record's 182," he wiggled his eyebrows at her, then took a few more swings at the sack, "Think you can beat it?"

"Are you kidding me, Vega? I can lap that count with one hand tied behind my back," she shoved off her jacket and tossed it away, suddenly feeling very awake and ready.

Shepard reached for the bar, hopping up to grab it and James paused his workout for a moment to watch her do the first pull up. Damn, that girl had some arms on her — among many other things. Her fitted black t-shirt slid up her midsection, allowing her taut stomach to peek out from underneath, and he caught the glint of something sparkling in the middle of it. Was that a navel piercing he saw before him? Not only that, but her bellybutton was encircled by the distinct markings of yet another well-hidden tattoo.

_Mierda, how many of those does she have?_

Vega pulled his focus back to the punching bag, watching her out of the corner of his eye, mentally counting as she went. She was having an easy enough time with it, but that didn't really surprise him; this woman was a well-oiled machine. She made it impressively far without even breaking a sweat.

"That's sixty! High five!"

"Very funny," she raised an eyebrow at him, and was rewarded with a flirty smirk.

"Cerveza?"

"Shove it, Vega."

"Okay, then."

It wasn't until the halfway point that Zoe finally started to show signs of strain. If she was being honest, she'd never even attempted this many pull-ups, but she wasn't about to let the lieutenant know that. Her arms were really starting to feel the burn at ninety-one.

"That's halfway, baby!" he whooped, "You got this!"

That really made her smile. There weren't too many men in the world that would be secure with a woman trying to beat a personal record of theirs, let alone cheer them to the finish line. Vega was really something else, and little did the commander know, his plan was working like a charm. It was just like the days back on Earth. Whatever happened after this, it didn't matter, things between them would be easier. With her confidence renewed, Shepard flew past the hundred mark.

James gave a hearty chuckle as she conquered the milestone, "You know, most people would just be happy with a hundred."

"We're not most people, are we, Lieutenant?" she was panting now, giving her voice a sultry allure.

"Damn right, Lola," he winked, "Don't stop now."

Zoe pushed on — one-twenty, one-forty, one-fifty.

_Damn, this is getting difficult._

"Fuck me," she growled, pulling up on one-sixty.

"Gotta be honest, Lola, didn't think you'd make it this far," he was grinning even wider, obviously amused by her colorful language and most definitely enjoying the show.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," she took a few deep breaths in, coaxing her body not to give up so close to the finish line.

"You can do it, hermosa," he encouraged, "Only twenty-two more."

"Twenty-three," she quipped.

"Oh, okay, I see how it is," Vega shot her a teasing grin, "Looks like I'm gonna be pickin' you up off the floor after this."

The last leg was beyond difficult, but Shepard was determined to push through the pain. She had asked the lieutenant to challenge her to something more difficult all those months ago, and damned if he hadn't come through.

_One-seventy-seven, one-seventy-eight… so fucking close, come on, Zoe._

"Holy hell! You did it!" James stopped mid-punch as she forced herself through one-eighty-three, "I… I don't know what to say. How you feelin'?"

She was shaking and sweating profusely, her breath coming in ragged bursts, "Might need help pulling my armor on next time."

"I'm happy to help, Lola," he flashed another wink at her.

She puffed out a ragged chuckle, interlaced with her panting, "Don't tease a girl when she's… winded."

"Okay, okay," Vega threw his hands wide and backed up, then turned his back to her with a shake of his head, "Damn, you still got it. Don't let anyone tell you different."

"Don't worry, I won't," she gave him a flirtatious smile when he cast his gaze over his shoulder at her, "Jesus… my arms are like jello."

"Hey," he turned back around and walked a few steps towards her, closing the gap again, "Was that a, uh, belly ring and tattoo I saw?"

"Believe it or not, there are still some things you don't know about me, James," she ran a hand through her sweat-drenched hair, wondering why she hadn't thought to put it back up before she attempted that feat.

"I can see that, Lola," Vega eyed her up and down, his gaze lingering on her taut midsection, desperately wishing he could get a clearer look at the art that decorated her skin there, "Anyway, I really gotta get back. Esteban's gonna think I got kidnapped or somethin'… again."

She wasn't ready for him to leave yet, for this bonding time to end, "I have a better idea."

"Oh yeah?" he gave her a curious look.

"There's a biotiball game coming on. I'm going to go shower. Why don't you call Steve and tell him to come up and we'll hang out and watch the game? Tell him to pick up some beer and a pizza on the way. It'll be fun," she shrugged, "This is shore leave, and he's working. Convince him to take a break for the night. Tell him it's a direct order from his commanding officer."

"I like the way you think, Commander," Vega had another sudden, overwhelming urge to reach out and pull her to him.

 _You can now, pendjo, just do it,_ his brain berated him.

Part of his mind was still telling him this wasn't the time, though. He had so many things to sort out inside himself. On the other hand, she'd said she had no more fears; she wasn't running from him anymore. But where was he with all of this? Why was he still so indecisive? Shepard had started walking out to go for her shower as his thoughts wandered away from him.

"I'll be out in a minute," she called over her shoulder.

Insecurities be damned, he was spontaneously compelled to end this once and for all, "Hey… Zoe."

The commander froze at the mention of her name. As it flooded into her ears, with his husky voice attached to it, the word was soothing and warm — it felt like home. She tried to will herself to turn around and look at him but the familiarity of the sound and the relief that washed over her had struck her immobile.

"Yeah?" she managed, through the lump in her throat.

"I was wrong. I do know what I want."

She could hear his footsteps getting closer, until he was right behind her, just inches from her back. James brushed her shoulder with a hand, caressing down her arm, and she spun around slowly to face him, suddenly acutely aware of how much taller he was than her. His gaze was looming and intense, and Zoe's weak knees could no longer be attributed to the workout she'd just endured.

"I want this. For real this time. Especially if we don't have to hide it anymore," he hesitated, taking one of her hands in his own, "I still wanna take it slow, but we don't have a lot of time left 'til this is over. I don't wanna waste what we do have, you know? Just in case."

"So, you're saying…"

He didn't answer; instead, he brought a hand up to swipe the hair out of her face, sliding his fingers into the tangled locks at her neck, and she tilted her head back to allow him easy access. James brought his lips to hers, slowly and sweetly. This kiss was much more tender and heartfelt than any they had shared before it. Zoe could tell he was taking great care to be gentle and easy.

The lieutenant's unoccupied hand drifted smoothly to the small of her back, running up her spine over the soft cotton of her shirt. She parted her lips, allowing his tongue to slip through, dancing a perfectly choreographed waltz with her own. Her own hands traveled deliberately up his chest, finally reaching his toned shoulders, her arms encircling his neck and urging him even deeper into the embrace. They stayed that way for several minutes, melting further into each other with each gasp and moan.

Zoe was the first to break away, reluctant as she was to do so, and she peered at him with eyes hooded heavy by lust, "Damn, Jimmy…"

She rarely called him by that nickname, and he probably liked the sound of it as much as she liked having him say her true name.

"That was nice, huh?"

"That's an understatement," she brought her hands back down to his chest, splaying her fingers across his pecks, "I really should go take a shower."

"Yeah, you're kinda starting to smell like Wrex," he taunted, playfully, "Go on, I'll call Esteban."

"You _could_ come join me," the commander threw him a mischievous look, backing away slowly, "Oh yeah… taking it slow… right."

"You are too much, Lola," Vega shook his head and gave a genuinely happy chuckle, "Get your sexy ass outta here."

She turned and made her way out, calling over her shoulder as she left, "Don't forget to tell him to bring beer. And a pizza. I'll get him back for it."

"Roger that, Commander," the lieutenant's eyes stayed unapologetically glued to her swaying hips as she slinked around the corner and out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I realize I suspended the bounds of reality a bit by healing Shepard's shoulder that quickly, but her being stabbed was not in the original version of this and I liked the pull-up scene too much not to include it, since it ties in with the beginning of the story. So, lets just pretend it wasn't all that bad, okay? Okay. Phew, what a long chapter! Amiright? Looks like our lovebirds are finally putting their hesitations aside! About time, no? And Tali totally seems like the kind that would write fanfic, dontcha think? Anywaaaayyy... Thank you again for sticking around this far and I hope to see you next time, you lovely people, you!


	26. Tucked Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. I wasn't going to post a chapter today, but I feel like crap and submitting new content to you guys just makes me feel better, so here you are! This one is a little slow, no real action, just some fluffy filler before we get to the partying. There is a bit more Spanish in this chapter, as well. All translations are at the bottom of the page and I want to send a thank you to a tumblr friend of mine that helped me out on them! They shall remain nameless for now, but the sentiment holds true nonetheless. :) How 'bout some reviews from all you silent readers out there? I don't want to sound beggy or anything, but I would just really love to know what you all think! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter and have a lovely day!

It was only a little after eight p.m., though it seemed as if it should be much later. After the wave of exhaustion that had hit her during the earlier altercation with James, plus the strain of the challenge on top of it, she had thought she'd be ready to pass out as soon as she crossed the threshold to her bedroom. But that kiss… it had breathed the life back into her; a feeling she hadn't had in a decade, or maybe ever. She stepped into the steady stream of warm water, letting it wash away the stress of the past. Things had finally come to a head, and she was exactly where she wanted to be for once in her life. This was unlike anything else she'd ever felt before.

A short while later, Shepard stepped out of the shower and dabbed herself with the towel, ringing the water from her hair as she crossed to the closet. She probably should have been more careful to assure that the lieutenant couldn't see her, but she didn't really care at this point. He'd see it all eventually; she hoped, anyway. Pulling open her duffle, she retrieved some clean undergarments, a pair of pajama shorts, and a tank top, and proceeded to dress herself.

She'd yet to have an opportunity to stock the articles into the numerous drawers and shelves, but she reasoned that she wouldn't be in the apartment very long, so there was no point in settling in just yet — not until this war was over, at any rate. She had a sudden mental image of returning here after the upcoming battle was won, with James by her side. Maybe the two of them would actually get a chance to spend some quality, stress free, time together while there was finally some peace in the galaxy, at least for a little while. It was wishful thinking, she knew, but it was something to hold onto to bring her through the final push.

Footsteps sounded up the stairs, stopping just outside the door, "Hey, Lola, you decent?"

"I'm in the closet," she called, as she slipped on her tank top.

"That's weird, I thought you came out of there a decade ago," James snickered at his lame attempt at a joke.

" _Funny,_ " she feigned an unimpressed tone, and traipsed out of the small enclosure.

"Mierda," Vega loved the way she was starting to show more and more skin around him, but it was also driving him a little crazy, "Let me get a better look at that baby."

"What, the tattoo?" the midnight tendrils of the art on her side flowed down her thigh from below the hem of her shorts, "It's just something I got after Anderson handed over the Normandy to me."

He stepped up to examine it closer. Shepard gathered her shorts to show her hip, exposing not only the tattoo, but the lacy black curve of her underwear and James felt his heart leap up into his throat — they were a hell of a lot sexier than the ones he'd seen her don the first time he'd caught a glimpse, and he couldn't help but wonder if she had planned it that way. He blinked the thought away, refocusing his attention on the art. Regardless of the simplicity of the labyrinthian ink, it was gorgeous, the canvas it was etched upon making the sight that much more gratifying.

The lieutenant was having a hard time prying his gaze from it, "Exactly how many of those do you have?"

"It's funny you ask," Zoe turned her back to him, lifting the back of her tank top and lowering the band of her shorts slightly, to reveal another solid black tattoo that was shockingly similar to the one that had just finished healing on his own back.

James snorted a laugh, "You have an N7… _tramp stamp?_ "

"I was drunk, okay?" she rolled her eyes and sighed — that reaction was why she usually didn't bring this particular tattoo up in conversation.

"That doesn't look new."

No way she'd taken his joke and ran with it, the mark was too faded and worn to be recent.

"It's not. You remember when I saw you getting yours, I seemed kind of… _amused_ that you'd chosen that way to celebrate?" she glanced at him over her shoulder, "Because we had the same idea. I got this one after I graduated… while highly intoxicated. Then there's this one I got after… Mel's accident."

She pulled her shirt up farther, all the way to her shoulders. The entire expanse of her back was decorated by a set of intricate, downy angel wings. They flowed gracefully, the points wrapping slightly down and around her sides, as if they were in the process of spreading. He'd seen this kind of tattoo before, but never in this particular style. In the other versions he'd seen, the wings were always tucked in, as if to say the person wearing them was grounded, subdued. Not Zoe, though, she was constantly ready to take flight. The imagery it emoted was hauntingly fitting.

"And, the last one…"

She spun around, and repeated the process of pulling her shorts down her left side, to reveal the image of a skull donning a vintage military helmet, done in perfect realism, decorated with multi-colored butterflies dancing upon the space surrounding it. In the middle of the headpiece sat a single, bright purple butterfly, it's wings stretched wide and free — even more symbolism that he wondered if she'd ever considered since getting them.

"Dios mio, Lola," he shook his head in disbelief, "How come I've never seen these before?"

"Well, they're all in somewhat precarious placements," she righted her shorts and turned to face him, "I'm lucky. Cerberus smoothed out my scars, but they didn't take my tattoos."

"Can't believe I actually have something to be grateful to those pendejos for," he stepped towards her, circling her waist with his hand and pulling her into him, "And I don't just mean the tats."

Shepard slipped her arms around his waist, standing up on the tips of her toes to place a soft kiss on his neck, trailing a series of tiny pecks up and across his jawline to his cheek, stopping short at his lips.

An enticing whisper of a word exhaled slowly with her shallow breath, "Bésame."

"Is that an order?" he absolutely craved the sound of his language coming from her lips, and all he wanted right then was to hear her say more.

"Sí, Teniente. Bésame mucho, que tengo miedo a perderte después," she was quoting a song his abuela had sung over and over while he was growing up, the memory of it sending a sentimental tug to his heart, the words never having such meaning as they did right now.

"Como desées, Comandante," he smirked, gladly obliging her request.

Shepard pressed her body into his, urging him backwards towards the side of the bed, causing the backs of his knees to connect with the edge. He sat down heavily on the soft mattress, and Zoe crawled onto his lap, never breaking the kiss as she straddled him, gripping at the sides of his neck, her short black nails digging gently into his tawny flesh. James slid his hands leisurely down her back, cupping her bottom, to pull her closer still, as she nibbled at his lower lip, grinding her hips into him, and dragging a ragged groan from the depths of his throat.

"Esteban's gonna be here soon," he breathed into her ear when she moved her mouth to his neck.

"He's getting a pizza. We have some time," Shepard sucked at the deep curve under his jaw, relishing the feel of the scruff tickling at her lips, "God, I missed this, Jimmy…"

The lieutenant slid his hands up her sides, underneath her shirt, placing a trail of soft kisses across the shoulder that had been wounded, "Me too, Lola. Those pull ups didn't hurt you too much did they?"

"No."

Zoe wasn't interested in talking about her injuries, or anything else that had happened in the past months; she wasn't interested in anything beyond or before the present moment. All she cared about at this instance in time was the exhilaration of being back in his arms. She pressed her hips down again, pulling in a shaky gasp at the sensation. James moaned into her collar bone, bringing his hands back to her rear, and dragging his teeth across her flushed neck, practically begging her with his entire body to keep going.

"Dios, Zoe…" the lieutenant let out a low growl, "Tu me vuelvas loco."

The commander chuckled softly, returning her lips to his with a series of soft, slow kisses between her words, "I still remember the first time you told me that. Hopefully now it's a good thing."

"Oh, it's always been a good thing," he pulled back, searching her face with serious eyes, "Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?"

Shepard bit her bottom lip, a smile spreading wide across her cheeks, "Not in so many words, no."

"Then I gotta remember to say it more often," he grinned, throwing her a sly wink, and in response, Shepard's tongue darted forth to moisten her lips, before pressing them to his once more.

A second later, the door bell chimed, causing them both to nearly jump out of their skin. It was probably for the best; if she kept making those heady noises and touching him the way she was, his resolve to take things slow probably would have flown right out of those big open windows.

"Ah, your chastity vow, saved by the bell," she chortled, pushing herself up to stand, a mischievous gleam in her pale silver eyes.

James gave her a swift pat on the backside as she turned away, "You keep speakin' my language, it ain't gonna last long, hermosa."

"Tendré que tenerlo en mente," she threw a wink at him over her shoulder.

"Niña traviesa," he purred, following her as she went, his eyes unable to focus on anything but her shapely backside.

Shepard made her way to the door control and was greeted by a warm hug from Cortez when he entered, "Sorry I'm late. The pizza place took forever."

"No problem Steve. I'm just happy you were willing to take a break," she took the beer and pizza from Steve, passing into the kitchen to set it down, "Come on, guys, games about to start."

"Hola, Esteban," Vega shook the pilot's hand, pulling him in for a brotherly embrace, "Glad you could make it."

The two men followed her lead, Cortez obviously pumped to be getting a break from his work, "Seattle Sorcerers versus Usaru Maestros. Gonna be some intense biotiball."

"Nah, it's just a goodwill game for troop morale. They'll take it easy," James leaned against the counter causally.

"In the middle of a war with their troops watching? Not a chance in hell they're going to give any less than their best," this was something else Zoe had never really revealed to James — she had an intense love of this game, leftover from her teen years, and he was about to see her sometimes overzealous antics firsthand; the thought making her more than a little nervous.

"Absolutely," Steve agreed, with equal fervor, "Have you guys seen Derek Rogers' game lately? Man, he and the Sorcerers have been tearing it up."

"Esteban, the Maestros don't lose," Vega shook his head doubtfully, "Have you seen Tyra T'Sanis play? The woman is blue lightening."

"Mr. Vega, your love of the asari team has more to do with how they look than how they play," Cortez's assumption made Zoe chuckled, as she turned to grab them all a beer.

"Hey, that's not true… not entirely," he cast an apologetic gaze in Shepard's direction, but by the amused look on her face, she obviously wasn't offended — after all, she tossed the bottle at him easily instead of chucking it at his head like he thought she might, "Besides, you tellin' me you don't got the hots for some of the Sorcerers?"

"Okay, okay. Guilty as charged," Cortez confessed, catching the beer that flew his way, "Who're you backing Shepard?"

"Well, the Sorcerers are one of the few human b-ball teams left. They were on tour when Earth was hit, and ever since they acquired Donna Novotny from the Hackers, they been unstoppable," Zoe pointed out, drawing impressed expressions from both the men.

James threw a swig of beer back, feeling a thrum of excitement in his chest to know he had something else to share with her, and possibly bicker about, "True, but most of the Maestros have been playing since before First Contact, and they've never been beaten by the Sorcerers."

" _But_ our guys have never been this hungry before either," she added resolutely, "They're playing for us. For all of Earth. It's not just a game to them. It's symbolic, if you think about it."

Cortez raised an amused eyebrow, "Okay, Shep, so who's it gonna be?"

"You _never_ bet against the home team," she took a beer for herself and twisted the top open, taking a long chug as she followed them to the living room.

"Mr. Vega, I hope you're hungry for humble pie," Steve taunted, "When has our commander ever been wrong?"

"Can't believe you'd bet against me, Lola" Vega teased, tossing his bottle cap onto the coffee table.

"Aw, James, don't take it personal," she planted herself on the couch, one leg tucked under her, and flipped the television on to the sports channel

Luckily they didn't have to wait — the game was just getting underway. Vega sat down more intimately close than Shepard had been expecting, and slid an arm around her shoulders. The move surprised her; she thought for sure he'd wait a while to give the others any hint that they had finally made the step into actively pursuing each other.

Cortez caught sight of the gesture out of the corner of his eye and couldn't help but comment, "So, this is finally happening for real, huh?"

"Shut up and watch the game, Esteban," James replied, casually tossing back another gulp of beer.

"Okay, my bad," the pilot threw his hands up in apology, "It's just… nice to know."

The match went just as Zoe had predicted. At first, their team was behind, but the commander had managed to only yell viciously at the screen a few times, mostly keeping her temper in check. However, by the end the Sorcerers were pushing ahead by a nose, taking the win in the last few seconds of time.

James shot out of his seat, firing off at the television like it could hear him, "Mierda! He was out! You're blind, ref!"

"Yes!" Zoe sprang up beside him, giving him a playful shove, as the announcer called the play as good, "¡Tómate esa!"

"Ha! They did it!" Cortez stood along with them, "Now pay up, Vega."

"Hey, why didn't you let me in on the betting?" Shepard pouted, a tad miffed at being left out of the loop when she'd managed to guess right on a not-so-sure thing.

Vega side-eyed the commander, looking considerably nervous, "We, uh, weren't exactly betting on who'd win."

"We were betting on if you'd pick the winner," Steve gave a pleased smirk, "And everyone knows you don't bet against Shepard."

"Not _everyone_ knows," Zoe crossed her arms, casting a feisty look at James, "And you couldn't believe _I'd_ bet against _you_ on the winner…"

"I didn't know you knew your b-ball so well," he shrugged, "Anyway, it was a hell of a game."

"Yeah, great evening," Cortez agreed, sitting his empty bottle on the table and preparing to leave, "Thanks Shepard, I needed this."

"My pleasure, Steve," she nodded.

"Well, I'm gonna head back. Tomorrow comes early," the pilot stood, starting towards the door, and Shepard fell in step behind him.

"I'll walk you out."

"Hasta luego, Esteban," James called after them.

When they reached the exit, Cortez turned back to Zoe with a serious expression, "I mean it, Shep, I really appreciate you inviting me up here tonight. Sometimes I forget to just take a minute to breathe."

"Yeah, I know. That's why I suggested it," she cocked her head to the side, "I figured you wouldn't stop working, even on shore leave, unless it was a direct order."

"You're not just an amazing commander, Shepard. You're a great friend. And that meathead in there — you two are really something else. You make an amazing team. I'm glad to see things are finally working out for the two of you. It certainly took long enough," his words were ripe with sincerity, "I'd tell you to take care of him, but I already know you will."

Zoe dropped her gaze to the floor, her cheeks flushed and hot, "I do my best."

"Yeah, you do, for all of us," he turned and passed through the door, "Glad to see you're doing the best for yourself for a change."

"Thanks, Steve," she threw a hand up to wave goodbye, "See you soon."

"Night, Shep. You kids behave yourselves."

With that, the automatic door slid shut between them and Shepard sauntered into the living room, where James sat reclined on the sofa, watching the post-game report. She returned to her position beside him and when she was settled, he slung his arm back around her. She curled into his side to lay her head on his shoulder, breathing him in deeply as the television abruptly cut to a commercial news break.

"Oh shit, not this again…" Zoe groaned, hiding her face in her hands, but peaking through her fingers at the vid.

_"Commander Zoe Shepard and her Sweet and Spicy Spectre beau, caught canoodling inside the casino. Just who is Lieutenant James Vega? More on his background, their journey so far aboard the Normandy, and pictures from last night's benefit, at 11!"_

"You think they'd be more concerned about the fake me that fell from the sky," Shepard grumbled, rubbing at her temples in annoyance, "I am so sorry. I should never have taken you to that stupid benefit."

"Hey, Glyph, can you set it up to record that for me?" James called to the device hovering beside the wall, obviously not put off in the least, but Zoe threw him a bewildered grimace, "What? I've never been on the news before. Gotta document this. It's pretty awesome."

"Are you kidding me? It's a nightmare! Just wait until they start asking you for photo shoots and interviews and…" she trailed off, affecting a smug smirk, "Wait, no… you know what, you'll probably enjoy the hell out of all that stuff."

"You know, Lola, when you get all fired up, like now, and during the game… it's pretty damn sexy," he growled into her ear.

"You sure it was me getting you all hot and bothered, and not the scantily clad asari?" Zoe gave him a teasing nudge with her shoulder.

"I mean, that helped," his hand glided up to her neck, urging her face up to look at him, "Quizás sean relámpagos azules, pero tu eres el sol."

"You know just what to say to make a girl melt, don't you?" she brought a palm up, clutching at his shirt.

"I have my moments," the lieutenant smiled down at her, eyes gleaming with adoration, "You seem to bring it out more than most, though."

"Look, James, I'm all for taking things slow, and we don't have to do anything serious, but," Shepard dropped her gaze, afraid to look at him when she made her request, "Por favor, quédate conmigo esta noche."

"Well, when you say it like that, how can I refuse?" he nudged her chin up with a finger, placing a light kiss to her forehead, "You ready to turn in?"

"Yeah, I think so. It's been a long day," Zoe stood, offering him a helping hand up, "I wouldn't ask but, this place is so big and I'm not used to being so far away from everyone. I think it's why I didn't sleep very well last night."

"You ain't gotta explain, hermosa," James followed as she made her way towards the stairs, "Especially after, you know, that run in with the other you and Mel. I still can't shake the creeps from that one."

"No shit. I still get chills when I think about it," she shuddered as if on cue, as they entered the bedroom, her nerves beginning to get the best of her, "I'm just glad you made it out alright. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Just… make yourself comfortable."

It was an awkward thing to say, and she knew it as soon as the words came out, but expected nothing less from herself in such an unfamiliar situation. She'd never had a man stay the night with her before. Mel had been in the same dorm room back on the base, and they'd spent several nights off campus together; not to mention the one night Zoe had been dumb enough to allow her to stay in the captain's cabin. That, however, was a world of difference from having a guy stay over because she had fallen hard for him and wanted some sincere affection.

It was cathartic to realize that Chakwas, Cortez and Ashley were all right — she really was trying to do something for herself for a change and so far it was working out well. Had it been so obvious that she needed this in her life, that her entire squad could read it straight off her face? Whatever the case, things were about to get much easier and much more complicated all at the same time. That was nothing new; the difference now was that Shepard had no doubt where she wanted to be, and, more importantly, who she wanted to be there with.

James stood at the side of the bed for a minute, contemplating the situation. His mind mumbled something to him about taking the side nearest the door, so in case someone were to break in he could protect her. Granted, he knew all too well she didn't need protection, but he thought it might make her, and himself, feel better deep down. He yanked off his shirt and tossed it to the ground, then sat to tug off this combat boots and socks. He hesitated for a minute when going to undo his belt buckle, thinking maybe she would be a little thrown off if he was in too much of a state of undress. He reasoned there was no way he could sleep in his cargo pants without all those zippers scratching up her legs, so he pulled them off too. His last course of action was to remove his dog tags, and after draping them across the lampshade, he slid under the covers to wait patiently.

Vega, himself, had never slept over with a woman without being prepared to bolt as soon as the sun rose the next morning. He'd definitely never slept over with a woman without 'sleeping' with her. He wondered if it would lead to that tonight, but he doubted it, regardless of their little tryst before Cortez had shown up. Shepard was a woman of her word, even if she was a shameless flirt like him. When she agreed to take it slow, he was positive she'd respect whatever boundaries were placed in front of her. Not that James wasn't ready for that step, he was simply still unsure if it was the right time for it. Especially considering they'd just, that evening, crossed the bounds into truly, openly embracing their affections instead of pushing them aside. Then again, how many more nights would they have an opportunity like this?

There was a time in his life when he had gotten around pretty heavily — mostly during his teen years and right after he'd got out of basic. He'd had a partying habit that took quite a lot of effort to renounce. The lieutenant had been vain and rowdy and broken his share of hearts, swooping in with those cheesy pick up lines and sweet nothings after one two many strong drinks; then swooping right out again, washing the phone numbers off his hands without ever writing them down elsewhere. And he had only repeated the process when he found himself on Omega years later. This was so much different than those other dalliances. He'd do everything differently this time because he wanted it to stick, for as long as fate would allow, and could only hope she returned the sentiment.

When Zoe stepped back into the room, James was already under the blanket, one arm tucked under his neck, and the other draped across his chiseled abs. The scene was comfy and inviting and ridiculously sexy. Shepard did that tricky thing women do when they somehow remove their bra without shifting the rest of their clothing, and tossed it across the bed toward the closet.

"I hope that's okay, I can't sleep in that antiquated torture device," she always seemed to have a way with interesting verbiage.

"You ain't gonna hear me complainin'," he threw the covers down on her side, urging her to join him.

Shepard let out a small giggle and bit her lip, a gleeful light dancing in her stormy eyes. She crawled into the bed, turned swiftly around to kill the lamp light, then settled in beside him. The lieutenant snaked his arm between the pillow and her neck, pulling her in close and Zoe tilted her face to his, running her slender fingers gingerly down his chest. He leaned in, caressing her cheek as he brushed his lips lightly against hers.

"Me alegro de que estés aquí," she whispered, bringing a smile to his face that held a hint of curiosity.

"You gotta let me in on the secret, Lola. Where'd you pick up the language?"

"Well, like I told you, I grew up in East Harlem. I had my best friend's abuela, of course. And pretty much everyone I grew up with in the area was hispanic, so I started picking things up here and there," she dropped her eyes to her fingers, still splayed across his abdomen, "My mom spoke a little bit, too. She was from Puerto Rico, but my father was American, so she didn't talk in Spanish very often, and after they gave me up... I guess I wanted to learn it to feel closer to her, and my heritage."

"I'm glad you did," his grin widened, but quickly dropped into a frown, "Must've been hard, growin' up without a ma?"

"I imagine it's easier than growing up with one that actually loved you, and then losing her, the way you did. Besides, I technically had a lot of moms, going in and out of foster homes. None of them were ideal, but they all taught me things in their own way. Were you really close to your mom?" Zoe didn't want to pry, but he'd only mentioned his parents once before.

"Yeah, mi madre, she was a spit fire. She would have loved the hell outta you, that's for sure," his smile returned at the thought, "Wish you coulda met her, you'd have loved her too."

"If she's anything like you, she had to have been an amazing person," she reached up to touch his face, running her thumb along his scruffy jaw line.

"Zoe, I'm gonna say something, and you better not try to stop me this time…" James hesitated, waiting to see if she'd make the same move to quiet him as she had before, the words pulling at his lips, begging to be set forth, "Estoy enamorado de ti."

Instead of resisting the confession, Shepard touched her forehead to his, her eyes fluttering closed as she whispered her reply, "Yo también te amo."

The lieutenant kissed her once more, a soft, passionate gesture, and a moment later she broke the embrace, curling into him to lay her head on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat rapidly thumping in her ear.

"So, does this mean I can call you my boyfriend now?" she teased, grazing her nails lightly across his toned stomach.

"You can call me whatever you want, as long as you don't call me a cab and send me packin'," he quipped back.

"Oh, no," she chuckled into his chest, "Now that I've got you, you're not getting away that easily."

"That's what I like to hear," he smoothed her hair down and pressed one last kiss to the top of her head, "Goodnight, Zoe."

"Buenas noches, mi amor," Shepard closed her eyes, breathing him in one final time, and within minutes she drifted off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sí, Teniente. Bésame mucho, que tengo miedo a perderte después. = Yes, Lieutenant. Kiss me a lot, as I am afraid of losing you afterwards.
> 
> Como desées, Comandante. = As you wish, Commander.
> 
> Tu me vuelvas loco. = You drive me crazy.
> 
> Tendré que tenerlo en mente. = I'll have to keep that in mind.
> 
> Niña traviesa. = Naughty girl.
> 
> ¡Tómate esa! = Take that!
> 
> Quizás sean relámpagos azules, pero tu eres el sol. = They may be blue lightening, but you are the sun.
> 
> Por favor, quédate conmigo esta noche. = Please, stay with me tonight.
> 
> Me alegro de que estés aquí. = I'm glad you're here.
> 
> Estoy enamorado de ti. = I'm in love with you.
> 
> Yo también te amo. = I love you, too.


	27. Keeping Promises

They had shifted positions some time during the night. James woke up spooned around Zoe's back, one leg sandwiched between hers, an arm draped around her waist, and his face buried in her rustled hair. He breathed in her scent before carefully pulling his arm and leg away to roll onto his back. It had been one of the best, most satisfying nights of his life, and the restful sleep, something he wasn't used to in the slightest, had been pretty awesome on top of it. The lieutenant cast a glance at the woman he'd spent the night with. She'd stirred a bit when he moved, and was now laying on her back, one arm resting across her stomach, the other spread out to her side. Her bright purple hair was wildly scattered across the pillow, her lips parted just so.

He turned back on his side, just to take her in for a moment. This was a bad idea. She was a bad idea. Everyone in the galaxy knew, no matter how heroic her deeds, Commander Shepard was trouble incarnate. It seemed to follow her to every corner of the universe. She didn't look for it, it was just attracted, like she had some kind of twisted magnetic field surrounding her. He'd been one of those troublesome things that clung tightly, if a little reluctantly at first, but now he hadn't the slightest intentions of letting go. He had no plans to add strife to her already complicated existence, but he was painfully aware of the kind of person he was.

Just because he had something to live for now didn't mean he was going to give any less of himself in the fight to come. If she lost him, if he died on her like she seemed to expect he might, she'd never be the same; an empty shell of the woman she was now. Once had been enough to leave her reeling for a decade, a second time would do her in for good. He knew she was strong, that was no secret, but he also knew that her sanity was fragile at this point. It wasn't that the rest of the galaxy gave her too much credit — they didn't give her enough, really — but they made the same mistake he had at one time. They forgot that she was mortal, breakable, just like the rest of them.

And what of himself, if he lost her? What would he do at that point? Could he pull himself back from it and go on with his life? James knew that's what she would want, without even having to ask. He had the N7 program to look forward to when this was all over; he'd almost forgotten that detail. If she didn't make it through this, and he lost his will to try and opted out of the program, she'd surely find a way back from the dead just to rip him a new one. He shook the thoughts from his head. Imagining her not making it out of this was ridiculous. She had more fight in her than a million krogan armies; this fight was in the bag. Especially with the team she'd rallied, and the masses of troops she'd corralled to the cause. Zoe Shepard never ceased to amaze him, and the most incredible part —she was his for the taking.

She turned onto her side, facing him, and peeked through one sleep-weighted eye. She smiled when she saw him, squeezing her lids shut, then blinking them rapidly to clear the morning haze. Zoe rolled to her back again and stretched, arching her back high as she let out a sleepy groan. Even simply waking up — everything she did was a whole new level of sexy.

"Good morning, Lieutenant," she said, letting out a deep breath through the words, as she dropped heavily back down on the bed.

"Buenos dias, hermosa," he propped himself up on his elbow, sliding a hand onto her exposed midriff.

The touch made her stomach jump and she let a soft moan escape, "Glad to see you didn't decide to sneak out on me."

"And miss seeing you with tangled hair and morning breath? Never," he leaned over her and gave her a sweet, lingering kiss, "I should probably head back soon, though. No doubt Esteban's gonna be up workin' bright and early. Can't skip out on him again today."

"Not even gonna stay and make me breakfast?" Shepard feigned a look of disappointment.

"Sorry, chica, it'll have to wait," he brushed her hair back from her forehead, "Tomorrow though, before we head out. Promise."

"Sounds like a plan," the last words came out with a tired yawn.

James placed his lips softly to her brow, "Go back to sleep, hermosa."

"You sure you can find the way out of this place?" Zoe chuckled dreamily, already beginning to drift off again.

"I think I can manage," Vega trailed his hand down her bicep, wanting nothing more than to curl back around her, but he sincerely didn't want to leave Cortez to do all the work himself.

"Hasta luego, mi querido," she mumbled into the pillow.

"I love you, Zoe," he was surprised every time he managed to get the words out, even the times she'd stifled them — they had never come so easily before in his entire life, even to family.

Her eyes opened slowly and a smile lit her sleepy features, "I love you too, Jimmy."

With that, the lieutenant rolled out of the bed and got dressed. He didn't like the idea of leaving her alone while she was still sleeping, but he knew she needed the rest. This was probably the first time in years she had actually dozed tranquilly, and it gave him a burst of confidence to know he had a hand in it. Vega left quickly, resisting the urge to turn back the whole way. Zoe's presence, cuddled up in the warm sheets and blankets, was calling to him even after he'd cleared the apartment completely. When he stepped into the shuttle bay, Cortez greeted him with a wave and warm, knowing grin.

"Long night, Mr. Vega?" he ribbed.

"Probably not the kind of night you're thinking," the lieutenant crossed to the shuttle and began rifling through a tool box.

"Trouble in paradise so soon?" Steve asked, though he had a sneaking suspicion that wasn't the case.

"Exact opposite. It was great," James plucked a few things from the box and went to work.

"So, did you, uh…" the pilot cleared his throat and quirked his eyebrows up suggestively.

"Nope," Vega answered simply, obviously being vague on purpose, never having been one to elaborate on the details of his personal life.

"Really… but you did stay the night with her, right?" it wasn't like the armory chief to ask so many questions, but this whole ordeal had sparked his curiosity.

"Yeah, so?" came another flat response, attempting to make it clear that he didn't plan to budge on this.

"Alright, alright. Have your secrets. It's like I told Shep last night, I'm just glad to see you two doing something good for yourselves for a change," Cortez began fiddling with some wires, still not quite ready to drop the subject, "You and her are probably the most selfless people I've ever met. Hell, she helped me get through a pretty rough patch, myself, not too long ago. It's just nice to see your two best friends find happiness with each other, is all."

"She's in a whole other league, Esteban," James allowed a hint of a smile to manifest on his face, "Don't know how I got so lucky."

"You deserve it, man," Steve threw him an assuring nod, mercifully letting the subject drop at that, as the two lost themselves in their work.

* * *

When Zoe finally managed to force herself awake, she rolled over hoping James may have abandoned his responsibilities and returned to her, but save for herself, the bed was empty. She ran her hand over the spot he'd occupied the night before; the sheet was still warm and dented with his form. Oh, how she wished he had stayed, but Shepard respected the fact that he wanted to be there for his friend. She had her own list of things to do, anyway.

She still needed to visit with several of her crew, along with a few faces she hadn't seen in entirely too long, and then there was the party she had been persuaded to throw. The supplies were easy enough to acquire and the visiting didn't take as long as she'd expected. The commander even had a moment to relax at the arcade and play a few games with Samantha. The specialist was a riot, and almost as shameless as Vega. Shepard arrived back at the apartment, party essentials in tow, and upon entering the place, had a strange feeling wash over her.

Finally home, her inner voice had sighed out when she crossed the threshold. Zoe had never thought of an actual grounded place as home before. Previously, the Normandy had been the only structure she'd attached such a label to. But this place was starting to grow on her, no matter that she had only spent a brief number of hours there. Possibly, it came from the experience of waking up to the man she adored, but it felt like there was something more to it than that. She could really see herself settling down here, with or without a companion. After her fighting days were over, and she'd passed her prime, at any rate.

The commander sorted through the parcels, arranging the various items into the fridge and the cabinets. Was this what it was like to really move into a place? She didn't have a clear basis of comparison, but she liked the feeling. As she was finishing up with the last few things, the door bell went off. The party wasn't supposed to start for another half-hour or so, but she wasn't surprised to have someone show up early. She went to the large screen that gave her a window into the hall, pressed the control, and was greeted by Ashley's smiling face on the other side.

"Hey, Commander," she waved, "Sorry I'm early. Just wanted to get in a few minutes to chat before everyone else showed up."

"Come on in, Ash," Shepard opened the door for the other woman, "Enjoying leave?"

"Hell yes," Ashley sauntered in, flicking her silky hair over her shoulder, "I met this soldier at the bar last night, after I left here. A turian guy — Selik, I think. He's on shore leave too, and he was one hell of a dancer."

Zoe chuckled lightly, "Dancing with a turian? You know, you've changed a lot, Ash."

"Well, so have you," the brunette gave a slight shrug and crossed into the living room, "What can you expect from people that've seen as much as we have over such a short period of time? You learn to live a little while you're prepping to die."

"I guess you have a point," the commander leaned against the kitchen counter, "Want a beer?"

Ashley took that moment to notice the numerous empty bottles that were scattered across the coffee table from the night before, "Sure… um, have you already been on a binge today, or did you have some kind of party without me last night?"

"Oh, that… it was nothing," she shook her head, turning to the fridge, "James and Steve came by to watch the biotiball game."

"Hmm," the LC plucked a few bottles from the table to take to the garbage, "Did you get a chance to talk to the lieutenant?"

"I can get that, Ash," she took the containers from the other girl, a little embarrassed she'd forgotten to straighten up — Shepard really wasn't used to the whole housekeeping thing.

"You didn't answer the question, Zoe."

"Yeah, we talked," she avoided Ashley's curious gaze like it was the plague.

The younger woman obviously wasn't going to pass up a chance at more girl talk, "So?"

"This is why you came early, isn't it?"

"Of course! Look, like I said, we've been through some rough patches together, and I really feel bad about trying to talk you out of it before. I mean, in this line of work, girlfriends are kinda scarce," Ashley crossed back over and retrieved the remaining empties, "You gotta take what you can get, and hold onto it for dear life. You're my friend, aren't you?"

"I'd like to think so," Zoe admitted.

"Good. So, I'm sorry I was kind of suspicious of you at the beginning of all this, and I'm sorry I haven't said it until now. I'm sorry I've been a judgmental tart," that last one made the CO snort a laugh, "But you're right. I'm different. You're different. The whole fucking universe is different. Now, let's put the past where it belongs, clear the air, and start a new page in this story of ours. Sound good?"

Shepard offered the LC an open beer, "Sounds amazing."

They raised their bottles in cheers to the pledge, clinking the necks together and slamming them back in unison. Mid-chug, Ashley threw the commander a mischievous look, and somehow the short sip turned into an unspoken race to see who could finish theirs off first. They ended just short of the finish, the amber liquid almost spurting from their mouths as they doubled over in laughter.

"Okay, okay," Ashley attempted to catch her breath, "Before we get totally plastered, you have to answer my question."

"What?" Zoe was still gasping for breath, honestly having forgotten what they were even talking about previously.

The LC gave the older woman a playful shove on the shoulder, "Vega! What happened when you talked?"

"Well, we started off okay. He gave me a book, then we fought a little. I told him how I felt. He shot me down, then took his shirt off to show me his tattoo. After that, he was going to leave but I showed him the gym equipment in the back and challenged me to break his pushup record," she was cut off abruptly.

"Did you? How many?"

"Yeah, 182 — I did 183," Shepard smirked, a wicked gleam in her eye, "Come on with me. I have to go get ready."

"Oh my god, I would have paid to see the look on his face. What next?" Ashley followed her out of the kitchen and up the stairs to the master bedroom, taking a seat as Zoe disappeared into the closet.

The commander waited until she was hidden away to answer the LC's question, "Then he kissed me."

Ash cut her off again, "While you were all gross and sweaty? That's when he realized he wanted to kiss you?"

"Do you want to hear the rest of this before someone else shows up, or not?" Zoe stuck her head out of the open door, pursing her lips and faking an air of impatience.

"Sorry! All I'm saying is, that's love right there, Zoe. Go on…"

"Then Steve came over. We watched the game. Steve left. And James stayed the night."

"Oh really. Did you guys, uh, have fun?" Ashley quirked a teasing brow.

"No — I mean, yeah, we had fun — but all we did was talk and go to sleep," Zoe shrugged it off, as she finished pulling on the last few pieces of her ensemble, "Nothing special."

"Are you kidding? You had a guy stay the night with you without trying to get in your pants? What's 'nothing special' about that? Do you know how many women wish they could get a guy that's perfectly happy with just cuddling?" Ashley was finding it hard to control the volume of her voice, the speed at which they'd chugged their beers catching up to her quickly.

Zoe retreated from the closet, holding her hands up in defense, "Chill, Ash. I know, I'm lucky."

"On the other hand, what the hell are you two thinking? We have a matter of days before this thing is really gonna blow up, possibly literally. Not that I think you should rush it, but we could all be dead soon. You might want to take the opportunity while you still have it, Z," now the LC's words were starting to slur together — it'd been way too long since she'd drank and she'd forgotten how it tended to affect her, "Sorry, I know it's none of my business."

"No, you've got a point," the commander considered her friend's words, "But, in my defense, I was just respecting his wishes so…"

"He's the one that wanted to wait on sex?" the brunette's eyes shot wide with surprise, "Dammit, Shepard, you landed the holy grail of men. You've gotta tell me your secret."

"Do something that gets you labeled a traitor and terrorist, have yourself locked up, fall in love with your overly flirtatious guard, make him wait for you while you sort things out with your psychotic ex-girlfriend, etc, etc," Zoe shot a look at the clock on the nightstand, "Everyone's gonna be here soon, we should probably change the subject."

"Fall in love, huh? Did you say it?" Ashley was in a haze, obviously paying no attention to the warning, "I bet he said it first, didn't he?"

"Yep. Twice."

"Ugh, you lucky bitch," the LC sneered, rolling her eyes, but the expression was lighthearted, "I'm so happy for you. And, uh… nice outfit. Different, but hot. Looking to maybe break the lieutenant's resolve a little?"

"No, but thanks. It's nice to just be myself for once I guess," that was the last word spoken of it — the doorbell saved the day once again.

The guests flowed in, one after another, only minutes apart, until everyone had finally made their appearance; everyone, except a certain lieutenant.

"Where's Vega?" the commander overheard Joker asking Cortez before she got a chance.

"Don't know, he left out a little while before I did. Haven't heard from him," Steve gave a shrug, not seeming worried by the delay.

Zoe edged into the conversation, trying to keep her tone casual, "Do you know where he was going?"

"Don't worry, Shep, he'll show up. He wouldn't miss this party, trust me," the armory chief patted her arm in a comforting gesture.

"Great, we've gotta watch you and the meathead make goo goo eyes at each other all night," Joker took a swig of beer, tossing his eyes up to the ceiling in agitation, "I hate this will-they-won't-they crap."

"Oh, they did," Steve snickered, but stopped short, "Wait, that wasn't supposed to be a secret, was it?"

Shepard shrugged, "I mean, I didn't think he'd let on to you last night, but he did, so I guess it'll be out in the open soon enough. Especially now that Joker knows."

"Hey, you're not exactly the most discreet couple of people. I would have found out eventually even if Cortez hadn't spilled the beans," Jeff smirked mischievously at her, "And then I woulda told everyone, like I'm about to now."

"Oh, Joker," Zoe shook her head, "You're lucky I love you."

"Aww, thanks commander," Moreau feigned a syrupy sweet tone, "That warms my icy cold heart. I think it just grew three sizes!"

She snickered at the allusion, and rolled her eyes, ambling away to check on the rest of the crew. Zoe made the rounds, only half focused on the conversations around her. The clock was ticking away, unrelentingly. Fifteen minutes passed, twenty, thirty… Her wandering brought her to the kitchen, leaned up against the island, watching the door with a distressed countenance. Liara approached her, concern creasing at the middle of her brow.

"Is everything alright, Shepard?"

"What do you think is taking him so long?" she turned her gaze away from the door, suddenly worried he might walk in and catch her admittedly obsessing over his absence.

"The lieutenant? He was probably just held up. I'm sure he'll be here any second," the asari cocked her head to the side, "Maybe take a minute, have a drink to help you relax."

Zoe nodded her agreement, taking off like a shot towards the bar in the back, "Good idea."

"Hey again, Commander," Cortez greeted from behind the bar, "Can I interest you in a cocktail?"

"Thanks, Steve, but I've got this."

Zoe crossed behind him, yanking numerous bottles off the shelves as she went. She made a line of glasses across the counter and began to fill them, one ingredient at a time, glad to have something else to concentrate on for the moment. For the last step, she gave each glass a quick stir with a swizzle stick and pushed them toward each comrade.

"No offense, Commander, but that looks dangerous," Joker bared his teeth, looking sincerely concerned.

"Just try it, smart ass," Shepard threw him a dirty glare and took a swig from her glass.

"Holy hell," Steve had already taken a sip from his own, "I may have to relinquish my position behind the bar, tonight. I think you've got me beat, Shep."

"Goodness, that's delicious!" Liara practically gasped when she tried it, "Where did you learn to mix drinks like that?"

"A friend I grew up with. She was always getting me into some kind of trouble," Shepard smiled at the distant memory.

"Okay, I admit it, that shit is amazing. But I can tell just from tasting it, one too many of those would knock you into next week," regardless of his observation, Joker threw the drink back, finishing it in one long gulp, "Top me off, bartender."

Shepard gave him a chastising look, taking the glass from his hand and setting it in the sink behind her, "Take it easy, Moreau."

"Hey, where's Garrus?" Joker craned his head in search of the missing turian.

"He's probably off somewhere doing some… Talibrations," Liara made a rare attempt at a joke that sent the group rolling with raucous laughter.

A minute later, they heard the front door glide open, heavy footsteps pounding toward the living room and a familiar voice sang out, "The fun has arrived!"

Zoe felt a rush of relief wash over her, but she resisted the urge to go running into the living room to pounce on him. Instead, she put on an air of nonchalance as he traipsed into the kitchen.

"'Bout time you showed up," Steve called over his shoulder.

"I had to pick up a few things. Since, ya know, the commander doesn't seem to know how to shop for groceries," he replied, sarcastically, but his tone was light hearted, "You sure know how to shop for alcohol, though. Hey, Lola, where you want me to put all this crap?"

She snaked her way around Cortez, bringing the last full glass she'd made along with her, handing it to him as she approached, "I'll take care of it. Just drink this."

When James turned to see her sashaying towards him, his heart leapt into his throat and he had to swallow down the hard lump that formed there. Shepard was wearing a skirt, of all things — purple plaid, pleated and short, like something a cheerleader would wear — complete with fishnet stockings, her standard boots, and a simple black tank top, with her favorite N7 hoodie topping it all off.

He'd never considered what she might look like if she ever got the chance to wear something besides BDUs or the few pieces of formal attire he'd seen her don. It wasn't just hot to see her in her own unique style, it was positively scorching. The outfit screamed 'bad girl', and the only place it would have looked better, besides on her statuesque body, was scattered all about the floor of her bedroom at the end of the night.

"Thanks, hermosa," he leaned down and gave her a quick peck on the cheek, "Sorry I was late, I got kinda held up with something."

"Something? I thought you were just grocery shopping," she gave him a questioning look, but didn't press the subject, instead turning to sort through the bags he'd brought, "What is all this stuff? Eggs? Jalapeños? Tortillas… Ooooh, I know!"

James grinned wide when her eyes lit up at the realization, "I promised, didn't I?"


	28. Kick It Up A Notch, Glyph

The party was off to a great start. Having everyone — every single one of them — all together in the same place, doing something that didn't involve being shot at, gave Shepard a sense of warm wholeness. By the middle of the night, her relationship with the lieutenant was old news. The whole crew settled into the idea like it'd been that way for years. Most of them had seen it coming, and didn't even comment past a few happy congratulations. As the groups conversed and laughed around her, just enjoying each other's company, the commander stood back for a long time, simply soaking in the scene. Of all the guests that had made it to the party, she was most definitely excited that Jack could make it down.

"Hey, you sexy bitch! I never got a chance to tell you, I fucking _love_ the new hair!" the tattooed dame approached Zoe from behind and wrapped an arm around her waist, more like a lover than a friend.

"Hey there," Shepard spun in a circle and slung her arms around her friend's neck, "Having fun?"

Jack started swaying her hips to the music, and Zoe mimicked the motion, "Better now. Damn, you still got the moves baby!"

"Well, two beers and a mixed drink'll do that to a girl. Seriously though, are you having fun?"

"I'm having a blast! But I'm _hungry_ , let's go get food!" Jack pushed her towards the kitchen, giving the commander's rear end a hard smack on the way there.

They danced their way into the room, Jack grinding on Shepard's back as they went, and when they got to the fridge, they fell away from each other, cackling. James was leaning against the island, making small talk with Jacob, taking in the hilarious display out of the corner of his eye.

"Hey, you big hunk of man-meat," Jack called in Vega's direction, "Wanna dance?"

"No thanks, chica. I think you got your hands pretty full as it is," he gestured towards Zoe, who had her head buried in the refrigerator searching for nourishment, letting his eyes settle on her shapely, swaying bottom.

"Found it!" the commander's head popped up from behind the door, an unopened bottle of wine in her hand.

"You're looking for food, doofus," Jack popped her backside again, harder this time, causing Zoe to let out a loud yelp.

"Bitch!" the CO sputtered a laugh, "Hey, James!"

"Hey, hermosa, looks like you're havin' fun," he smirked and took a long swig from his beer — he was gonna have to speed things up if he had any chance of keeping up with these two.

"Well, Traynor's mixing drinks now. And, I mean, I'm good, but _she_ is a mixing masta," Zoe made some karate chopping motions, the wine bottle almost flying from her hands before Jack yanked it from her, "So, I'm trying to stay away from that."

"Damn, Shepard, it's good to finally see you cuttin' lose," Jacob raised his glass to her.

"Food, _now_ ," undercut jabbed purple in the side with a sharp fingernail, "Get on it."

"Jack, babe, there's nothing in here but eggs and shit, and Vega's cooking me breakfast with that in the morning," she stuck her head back down in the fridge anyway.

"Oh, is that right?" Jack sauntered towards James, swinging the wine bottle loosely from one hand, "You, uh, think you're gonna get busy with my bestie, huh?"

"You're gonna have to take that up with her," Vega smirked, unfazed by the tipsy woman's attempt at being foreboding.

"James is my, um... boyfriend now," Zoe grinned proudly, shooting him a sly wink that made his heart skip a beat.

"Well, I'm glad you got rid of that other bitch and raised your standards, at least," Jack eyed the towering lieutenant up and down, "Mm, if my girl weren't in the picture, I would _climb you_ like Mount Everest. Zoe, I sincerely expect you to be climbing this man like Mount _fucking_ Everest by the end of the night!"

James gave a loud laugh, almost spitting his beer, "Mierda, Lola, where'd you pick this loca one up? I think I like her."

"So do I," Zoe came up behind her friend's back and hugged her, mimicking Jack's actions from earlier, pressing her face to the other's ear, "I found some sandwich stuff. Should we make sandwiches?"

"Hell yes! Double _meat_ , lots of _condom_ -ments," undercut wagged her tongue at purple.

These two were seriously wild when they got together. He thought back to when he'd seen the two women fight together back at Grissom Academy; how unhinged, vicious, and synchronized they had been as a team. James wondered if it was just the alcohol, the party, or if Shepard had let lose like this around Jack the whole time they'd known each other. He liked to see her enjoying herself to such an extent that she really had no inhibitions about what anyone thought of her.

That affect on Zoe was probably what made him like the bristly biotic woman immediately. Throughout the whole event, the commander had done little but meander around to the groups, occasionally joining in on the conversations. Now, she was like a whole different person, actually having some real fun. Jacob began to wander off to find another group, chuckling and shaking his head at the rambunctious duo as he left.

"Hey, you're just gonna leave me with the two drunk girls?" James threw his hands up, calling after the other man.

"You're on your own there, buddy, sorry!" Jacob waved and turned the corner, disappearing out of sight.

Zoe threw the various sandwich making supplies down on the island a little harder than she meant to, nudging Vega's hip with her own in a flirtatious attempt to get him to scoot over. She began the task of piling meats and cheeses between bread, seeming to find it hard to concentrate through the sea of alcohol swimming through her brain. James leaned down, surprising her with a quick kiss to the cheek.

" _Shit_ , I could cut the sexual tension between you two with this baby," Jack brandished a dull butter knife, tossing it in the air and handing it over to Zoe, before shoving a fresh beer into Vega's chest, "Here, big boy, catch up."

"Whatever you say, Loca," he cracked the bottle open and chugged it down like a pro.

"Lola and Loca," Zoe smiled broadly, "I like it."

"Lola… Loca… Loca Lola. Hey, that could be a band name. We should start a band, Shep. I can sing. You still play guitar right?" Jack slung an arm around Zoe.

"Not anymore. I didn't really play in the first place, I just kind of strummed the strings and hoped a sound came out," the commander finished up the sandwiches and handed them over to her two companions, "No time for that kind of stuff anymore. Besides, I lost my guitar when Alliance HQ went up in smoke."

" _Bummerrrr_. You're being modest, though. You were getting good there towards the end of everything," Jack shoved the sandwich in her mouth, taking a massive bite and talking through the mush, "I'm gonna go find that blue chick… Larry, what's her name? Always lookin' like she's _seen_ some shit. Have fun, lovebirds. Don't do anything I wouldn't do… which is nothing. Do everything you want… or don't do anything… I don't give a shit. What am I saying?"

Zoe snorted a laugh as Jack stumbled away, taking chugs from the wine bottle as she went, "Damn, I love that girl."

"It's still pretty early, you gonna be okay?" James began rubbing gentle circles along her back.

"Yeah, I'm good," she lifted her face to him, her eyes much clearer and focused than they'd been a minute ago, "I promised Garrus I wouldn't overdo it tonight. I'm still pretty sober, I was just messing around with Jack."

"You're like a different person with her," he grinned, "Never seen you wile out like that. It's good to get a look at that side of you."

"We never had many chances to do things like this when we worked together, but we've always been close," Zoe finished off the last few bites of her sandwich, wiping her mouth with her jacket sleeve, "Besides you, she's the only other person that I ever really opened up to. Only because we've both been through so much shit, we're jaded in similar ways, so we have a lot in common."

"Yeah, I hear that," he seemed understanding enough, "And damn, she's got some nice tattoos."

Zoe gave a light chuckle, "I'll have to show you the one she convinced me to get when we worked together."

"You've got _another_ one?" the lieutenant almost strangled on a mouthful of bread.

"Yep, just didn't want to flash you last night, so I figured I'd leave the big reveal for a special occasion," she threw a flirty wink at him.

"Dios mio, Lola, you got surprises around every corner," he wiggled his eyebrow suggestively, "Or should I say, every curve. Hey, that reminds me… before we do get too trashed, I got you somethin'."

He sat his beer down on the counter and retrieved a small parcel from his pocket. It was the size of a standard ring box, and Zoe felt her whole body go rigid at the sight of it.

"So much for taking things slow!" she spat out, a little louder than she'd anticipated.

James laughed heartily, "Don't worry, Lola, it's not what you're thinkin'. Here."

She took the box from him and lifted the lid slowly. It was a ring, indeed, but not the kind she'd been expecting. The band was a light gunmetal grey, with delicate swirls of etching imbedded in the center, simple and thin — thin enough to wear under her armor without being obstructive. There was nothing fancy about it, but it was beautiful all the same.

"What's this for?" she plucked the ring from the case, turning it over in her hand to admire it.

"Read the inscription on the inside," he urged.

She picked it up and peeked along the inside of the band. Across the smooth metal curve was one simple word: _Promesa._

A grin tugged at the corners of Zoe's mouth, "A promise ring?"

"I just wanted a way to tell you that I'm always gonna be here for you, no matter what. So, when you're out there, whether I'm with you or not, you can have it and remember I've got your back. I know… it's corny, but I tried," James shrugged, a blush rising steadily to his cheeks.

She slipped the band onto her finger, finding it a perfect fit, "It's amazing. I love it."

He sauntered towards her, placing his hands on her hips and pulling her into him, "I mean, it's not as beautiful as you, but, I'm glad you like it."

Shepard snickered delightedly, "Okay, now _that_ was corny."

She circled his neck with her arms and yanked him down, crashing her lips into his, and in response, James lifted her up and sat her on the island, causing her to let out a little squeal of surprise. He ran his hands up her sides, circling them around her neck, deepening the kiss further. Zoe snaked her own hands around his back, digging her nails into his taught muscles, before sliding them further south, giving his rear end a firm squeeze. He pushed his hips gently into hers, and she wrapped her legs around him. His groan vibrated on her lips, and she sucked in a breath as he moved his focus from her mouth to her neck, sliding his hands up the outsides of her thighs under the soft fabric of her skirt.

"Um, James…" she whispered through ragged breaths, "We should probably get back to the party."

He pulled back from her, his expression a haze of satisfied frustration, "Shit, Lola, it was just gettin' _good_."

Shepard let a laugh escape, dropping her legs and hoping from the counter, "I don't think my guests would appreciate walking in on us groping each other in the kitchen."

"Hey, they came for a party, didn't they?" Vega threw his hands out and backed up a few steps, defeated for now.

"I doubt they came for _that_ kind of party," she raised a teasing eyebrow at him.

"I don't know, man… maybe you should have a few more drinks… go find Jack, maybe Ashley and Miranda… Liara and Traynor too, for that matter… Play some strip poker… see where the night takes you," he tossed a wink at her, opening the fridge to retrieve a fresh beer, "You think Samara plays poker?"

"What about me? Am I chopped liver?" Kasumi popped out of nowhere, disappearing again after adding, "Oh, well. I'll just record it when it happens. I think there's pretty good market for that kind of thing"

"Mierda! What the fuck? How long has she been here?" James was obviously thrown by the sudden intrusion.

"Keep dreamin', Vega," Zoe ribbed, unfazed by Kasumi's antics, as she turned and strutted out of the kitchen.

"Oh, I will, baby," he growled, following her lead, "And that'll be one _sa-weet_ dream. Seriously though, what's with the disappearing chick?"

"That's Kasumi. She's my other best friend, the one that gave me all the books I used to have on Earth," she let out a solemn sigh, but perked up again, turning around to giving him a playful poke to the stomach, "You better be careful, she likes to inspect underwear drawers."

"What the—" before he could finish, she sprang up on her tip-toes and planted another sweet kiss on his lips, then turned and sauntered off into the the living room.

The celebration was evolving into an event that could be described as nothing short of epic. There had been a heated poker game — thankfully not the kind that involved the removal of clothing. Zaeed was actively hitting on Samara, between discussing ways to safeguard the apartment with Garrus. Wrex and Grunt would not stop shouting Shepard's name at her, for some reason. She'd somehow convinced Joker to dance with EDI, and Tali was off somewhere making whirring noises and babbling about getting a tattoo.

As the night trudged onward, Zoe found herself in the middle of Ashley, Jacob, and James, who were having a heated discussion about whether biotics trumped physical strength. She meandered up to Vega's side, and he causally slid an arm around her waist to pull her close.

"So, what the topic up here? Everyone playing nice?" she interjected, her tone already amused by the banter she'd caught beforehand.

"Of course, Shepard," Liara answered, only slightly sarcastically, "James was just explaining how physical conditioning trumps biotics."

"Oh yeah?" Zoe scoffed, shooting him a look of disbelief, "You're really going there Jimmy?"

"Come on, Lola. You have to go with me on this one. You've got biotics and you hardly ever use 'em," he pointed out.

Shepard edged away from him a bit, put off by what the thought dredged forth, "Yeah, I have my reasons…"

Vega was so neck deep in the argument he hardly noticed the way she seemed to fold into herself, "I mean, biotics are strong, but unpredictable — all that cooling down…"

Jacob chuckled, rubbing at his forehead in exasperation, "Shepard, where did you find this guy?"

The lieutenant went on, ignoring the quip, "A person can improve their physique. But biotics? They are what they are."

Zoe's face went stoic, as she turned her attention back to Jacob with an answer to his question, "I don't know where I found him, Jay, but I'm about to throw him back."

"Why so defensive, Shep?" Ashley quizzed with genuine curiosity, when she noticed that James wasn't seeming to take the hint that the commander was getting irritated, "I mean, the lieutenant has a point, you don't use your biotics much at all."

"Thank you, Ash!" Vega threw his hands up in appreciation, "Finally, someone on my side."

"Oh, I'm not on your side, _hombre_ ," the brunette shook her head rapidly, "I'm just curious. There has to be a reason. Right, Zoe?"

"It's kind of a sensitive subject," Shepard sighed, pushing against her mental restraints in favor of following Doctor Chakwas suggestion of trying to open up more, "My father was… scared of me when he found out I was a biotic. It's part of the reason they decided to give me up. He worked with biotics for years; experienced a lot of bad things, found himself in dangerous situations. He used to tell me a lot of stories about it. So, I guess I have sort of a hang up about them."

"Oh shit, I forgot about that," James' face dropped into an apologetic frown, "Sorry, hermosa. I shoulda thought about it before I said that stuff."

"No, it's fine. You're right, they are unpredictable, if you don't know how to control yourself," Zoe shrugged it off, nestling back into his side, "Besides, whether you're a biotic or not, if you're involved in ground combat, physical conditioning is important regardless."

"I see your point," Jacob nodded his agreement, "But that doesn't mean biotics should be squandered."

"Well, maybe it's not about conditioning," Vega started in again, "Maybe it's just the condition of one _James Vega_."

He flexed his unoccupied arm, throwing Shepard into a fit of giggles, "Oh my god, Jimmy. You have _got_ to be joking."

"No way. This guy here never has to cool down," he gave the commander's side a discreet squeeze, "In fact, the _hotter_ , the _better_."

"Jesus, Vega!" Zoe doubled over, joined by Ashley in a burst of shrieking laughter.

" _Hilarious_ ," Jacob sputtered a laugh, and of all of them, Liara looked the least amused.

Kasumi materialized behind James, so close that her breath was hot against his neck as she purred, "Just hush and do some sit ups."

"Kasumi!" Shepard's eyes shot wide, and she gave her friend a playful shove to the shoulder, "Don't encourage him!"

"What? I'm just here for the show," the thief smirked, as she dissipated out of sight again.

"Goddess…" Liara finally spoke up, rolling her eyes at the lieutenant, "I don't know what Shepard sees in you."

"Well, I mean, biotics are a little intangible when there's an example of _physical excellence_ standing right beside you," Zoe gave Vega's ribs a nudge with her elbow, and he grinned down at her happily, "But I'm gonna have to go with biotics on this one. Sorry, Jimmy."

The lieutenant's lip curled up in disappointment, "Aww, that ain't even right, Lola."

"I mean, if you want to try to change my mind, I might need to have a little closer inspection," Shepard nibbled her bottom lip, gazing up at him with a flirty gleam in her platinum eyes.

"Oh, yeah? I think I can make that happen."

The asari cleared her throat awkwardly, "You do know we're still here, right?"

Zoe whipped her head around, pretending as if she hadn't been paying attention, "Huh? Who? What's happening?"

"You know, I can also roll my tongue," he began to demonstrate, throwing the commander and the LC into another bout of hysterics.

"Oh, my… that's… James, please stop doing that," Liara's eyes went wide, then quickly narrowed on the lieutenant, "Actually, how about I do a little demonstration of my own?"

"What? Like biotics?" Vega raised a skeptical brow.

The asari pursed her lips, "Exactly. I could float you off this balcony without breaking a sweat."

"Oh, I know you could," he affected a cocky stance, pulling his hand from Shepard's waist and crossing his arms in front of his chest, "But do you have the cajones to do it? Any of you?"

The doctor gritted her teeth angrily and her words came out a slurred growl, "Step back, Shepard."

"Uh oh," Zoe hopped away and shot James a look that clearly said he was in trouble, "Brace yourself, hun. I think you're in for it now."

"Huh?" Vega had no time to react — a second later, Liara was right in front of him, her biotics flaring up around her as she raised a hand and, without warning, lifted the lieutenant high into the air.

"You okay up there, mi amor?"

"Oh yeah, this is trippy. Feels kinda _tingly_."

"Nice, right?" the corners of Shepard's full lips turned up in a wicked grin, "You know, Jimmy, I can feel that way on a whim… or, make you feel that way, if you prefer."

"Oh, geez," Ashley almost choked on a sip of her drink, "Is it like relaxing or what?"

"Uh, kinda, among other things."

"You're being pretty gentle, Liara," Zoe smirked, "Is it my turn yet?"

"Nuh uh, now way. You guys've had your fun. Put me down now."

"Aww, spoiled sport," the commander pouted, and a second later, the asari dropped him not so carefully to the ground.

"How 'bout a friendly competition?" Jacob suggested, obviously anxious for some kind of physical activity, as he usually was, "Push ups maybe? See if your physical conditioning can withstand with the same endurance as a biotic?"

"Hell yeah, now we're talkin'!" James turned to Zoe with excitement splashed across his face, "You in?"

"No thanks," she snickered, "My arms are still recovering from last night. I think I'll just hang back and enjoy the _entertainment_."

Shepard, Ashley and Liara stood back as the men dropped to the floor and started in. A moment later, Miranda sauntered up the stairs to join the group.

"Oh, my. What did I miss?"

"Just a little friendly discussion on biotics versus physical strength," Zoe informed her as she slid her gaze across James' tense shoulders, "Now the guys are having a measuring contest, it would seem."

"You know boys, it's not the size of the Slam, it's how you use it," Miranda ribbed, as she leaned up against the wall next to Shepard, "But I suppose the lieutenant wouldn't know about that, would he?"

James snorted as he pushed up, "Hey, I can slam just as well as the rest you, without all that glow-y blue shit. Ain't that right, Commander?"

"You talk like I would know. Yet I haven't had the pleasure of finding out, now, have I?"

Jack flew up the stairs suddenly, almost tripping on the last one, but catching herself at the last minute as she barged into the half-circle of women, "I meant to do that. Hey, Shep! What the hell's going on up here? They comparing dicks or something?"

Zoe sputtered a laugh, "Yeah, that's what I said. Actually, Jimmy here thinks that because he's so physically fit, he can win a push up contest against Jacob, because he's _just_ a biotic."

"Oh, _really_ ," Jack affected a smug smirk, "You might be packin', Jimmy Jam, but I bet mine's bigger. What's the count?"

Jacob blew out a breath and answered, "Comin' up on forty."

"Shit, that's it? Let me show you dumb asses how it's done," with that, Jack dropped down to the floor beside them, quickly catching up and lapping their count like it was nothing.

Ashley chuckled, throwing back a long swig of beer, "Now, this… this is getting good."

As James and Jacob hit the one-fifty mark — Jack already well above their count at close to two hundred — the lieutenant began to show signs of strain. Zoe was a tad miffed that her arms weren't yet in the shape to join in, but she was too focused on the way Vega's muscles and veins rippled across his arms to dwell on her disappointment. Sweat beaded and trickled down his brow, and his grunting was getting deeper and more ragged as the minutes ticked on. It was taking the commander's thoughts to some seriously inappropriate places.

"Anyone counting? Miranda?" Jacob's words snapped Shepard back to reality.

"Oh, absolutely," the brunette biotic pursed her lips, "I think you're just _fantastic_. How many have I done?"

"Why don't you get down here, cheerleader?" Jack sneered, "Or are you afraid you'll break a nail?"

"Keep going!" Liara urged enthusiastically, her words melding together a bit from the alcohol.

"So much for your physical supremacy," the tattooed girl let out a raucous laugh, "Gettin' close to two-fifty over here. Have you meat sacks even passed the twenty mark yet?"

"She has a point, Jimmy," Shepard snickered, "I think even Jay's lapping you now. You seem a little slow tonight, hun."

"Well, nobody's perfect," Kasumi appeared again, perched on Vega's back, "How's it going on your end?"

With a grumbling moan, James dropped heavily to the floor, sending the thief sprawling onto the ground behind him. The quartet of women doubled over into roaring laughter, as the lieutenant pushed up and shook off, letting out a small chuckle himself.

"Okay, okay, you made your point," he reached out a hand to help Jack up, "You win."

"Damn right," the tattooed girl gave a cocky grin, "Glad to see you're man enough to admit defeat."

"Whatever, but we're gonna have a rematch one of these days," he turned his attention to Zoe, ambling up to her with an impish glint in his eyes, "How 'bout we find a more fun way to get sweaty?"

Shepard coughed awkwardly, "What exactly did you have in mind, Jimmy?"

"Let's dance!" Liara bounced eagerly, "Come on!"

"How 'bout it, hermosa?" James held out a hand to the commander, and though she took it, she looked skeptical.

"I don't think so. Maybe later, though," she sprung up on her tiptoes and planted a quick kiss on his lips, "I'm gonna go check in on everyone else. You guys have fun."

If she were honest about it, Zoe found hosting to be a nerve-racking task. She had never been too good in crowds, aside from leading a team to battle. Though the atmosphere was charged with friendly energy, she couldn't force herself to stay in one place too long. Somehow along the way, however, the commander had managed to get the entire crowd to sit still long enough to take a group photo. That would be one for the history books.

Afterwards, against her — and Garrus' — better judgement, Shepard threw back several consecutive shots while no one was paying attention, trying to bring herself to their level of relaxation, and after a few minutes it began to do the trick. She was leaning against the bar downstairs watching Wrex, Javik, and Zaeed run some kind of defensive maneuvers, keeping tabs to make sure they didn't actually shoot anything, when Miranda, Jack, and Ashley approached and surrounded her.

"Hey, sexy, come dance with us," Jack was on a whole other level of plastered now.

Zoe sucked a breath in through gritted teeth, "I don't know, guys..."

"Come on, Z! We've never had a chance like this, and we might never again!" Ashley grabbed her hand and yanked her towards the kitchen.

"Shepard, Jack and I are willing to put our personal hatred for each other aside for the night just to get you to dance, please!" Miranda was practically begging, and as equally sloshed as the rest of them.

"Oh, fine…" she relented with a sigh, allowing herself to be pulled through the kitchen, into the back room, where the music seemed to be booming the loudest from the overhead speakers.

It wasn't long before they were joined by several of the others. Liara, Garrus, Tali, Traynor, Cortez, and even Samara came swaying into the circle. Kasumi kept popping in and out behind people just to poke them or flick their ears, anything to get them jumpy and paranoid. James appeared around the corner and leaned up against the doorway, taking in the amusing sight. His eyes lingered on Zoe, her hands gripping Jack's skinny waist as they writhed, Ashley pressed up against her back in a similar fashion. It was like a sexy, badass, dancing sandwich, and Shepard was the deliciously enticing filling. Her eyes fluttered up, catching his gaze and she cast him a sensual smile. He was seriously starting to think he wasn't going to survive through the night after all the seductive signals she'd been throwing him the whole evening.

Zoe broke out of the entrapment, giving Jack a hard smack on the rear as payback from earlier. The tattooed woman yelped and whipped her head around, bringing two fingers up in a V to her lips and wagging her tongue between them. Shepard yelled something like 'you wish' but it was hard to hear over the deafening music. She ambled up to the lieutenant and slid her hands slowly across his chest, peering up at him with heavy lidded eyes.

"Wanna get outta here, soldier?" her voice came out husky and enticing.

James took her hand and led her out of the kitchen, towards the stairs, "Yeah, I think I do..."

"Hey, where're you going, Shep!? The party's just starting!" Jack called over the noise.

"Are you kidding?" the commander shot back, "It's two a.m. Five more minutes of dancing like that and you're all gonna be passed out on the floor."

"Let 'em go, they've got their own dancing to do," Ashley teased.

"Yeah, the horizontal hustle," Traynor snickered, taking Shepard's place between the two girls.

As soon as the door was shut tight behind them, James wasted no time. He sprang forward, seizing Shepard's lips with his in unshackled fervor, forcing her easily backwards until she was pressed flush to the wall, snaking his hands underneath her skirt and squeezing her ass as she pressed her knee into his crotch. He groaned into her open mouth, as Zoe shoved her jacket off, and the lieutenant's strong hands drifted gradually up her sides, shifting her shirt up while he trailed kisses down her cheek, onto her jawline. She lifted her arms, allowing him to pull the tank top up over her head, revealing her lacy black bra and the tattoo she'd neglected to show him earlier.

He paused in his conquest to study it for a moment. The ink was in a precarious placement, lining the underside of her breasts, a spike peaking through the middle of them and swooping along her sternum to a point, toward her opposite side. He ran his fingers along the twisting, tribal-like curves, causing the commander's stomach to quiver under his soft caress.

"That one _had_ to hurt," he breathed, his eyes adhered to the intricate artwork.

"I've had my ass kicked by every race in the galaxy, been shot too many times to count, died alone in the middle of space, and brought back to life by my worst enemies… the tattoo was like being tickled compared to all that," she let out a soft chuckle.

"You are the most beautiful, kick ass woman I have ever met. Emphasis on the ass," his voice was a low growl, "Tu con tantas curvas, y yo sin frenos."

With that, he resumed his mission, exploring the dips of her neck and shoulders with his hungry mouth. Zoe let out a soft moan as his hands drifted up towards her chest, cupping her breasts and massaging them in gentle, slow circles. She tugged at his t-shirt, untucking it from his waistband and shoving it up his abdomen forcefully. Vega grabbed onto it and ripped it off over his head, tossing it aside. Shepard was already busing herself with undoing her skirt, so he mimicked her actions on his own belt buckle. As the skimpy garment fell loosely to the floor, he caught a glimpse of hesitation flash across her face.

James immediately stopped fumbling with the buckle, "Hey, you okay?"

Zoe stumbled a bit, stepping out of her skirt, but he caught her by the arm to steady her. Standing there in just the lacy black lingerie, those scandalous fishnets and her knee high combat boots, with her amethyst locks flowing wildly down her shoulders, Shepard looked overwhelmingly enticing — but also hauntingly vulnerable.

When she finally spoke, her voice was barely audible, "I don't know… if we should do this tonight."

"That's fine, we don't have to do anything you're not ready for,"

He clasped his hands around her biceps, giving them a reassuring squeeze, but Zoe nervously avoided his gaze. She was doing that thing with her hands that she did when she was uneasy, fiddling with her fingers to hide the shaking. It wasn't the first time James had noticed her doing it, and he easily picked up on what it meant — she was anxious, and scared, and doubting herself.

"I'm ready… It's just… we've both had a lot to drink and this is something I'd like to remember the next morning, you know?"

"Hey, it's okay, Zoe. You're right," he brought a hand up to push the hair from her face, coaxing her to look at him, "Come here."

Shepard fell heavily into his arms, her head swimming from the alcohol and body heat, feeling dizzy and disoriented. She wanted this more than anything, but the timing was all wrong. She was too drunk, to shaken up by her feelings for him.

"Can we just go to sleep? I'm sorry," she whispered the words into his bare chest.

"Yeah, of course. You don't have anything to be sorry about, hermosa."

James lifted her up, knight in shining armor style, carrying her to the bed and laying her down softly on top of the downy comforter. He bent down to pull off her boots and stockings, tossing them to the floor at the foot of the bed, then tugged the blanket out from under her to cover her up. He crossed the room and retrieved her tank top, bringing it to her so she could slip it back on before removing her bra.

"You need anything before I turn in?" he grazed her brow with his finger tips, her skin feeling hot and clammy to the touch.

"Ice water, please?" she looked positively miserable, those last few shots finally having hit her all at once.

James redid his belt buckle as he crossed out of the room, neglecting his shirt in favor of returning to her as soon as possible. He took the stairs at a fast pace, and jogged into the kitchen, finding that Shepard's previous prediction had been accurate after all. They hadn't been in the room for even ten minutes and the music had already died down low, much like the party guests themselves. A few were still lingering in the kitchen and living room, but several of them were nowhere in sight. Liara and Samantha were hanging out around the island when he turned the corner into the room.

"That was quick," Samantha slurred, wobbling a little when she turned to him.

"That's because nothing happened… fisgón," he reached into the cabinet to retrieve a glass, ignoring the quip.

"What di—what did he just call me?" Traynor hiccuped mid-sentence.

"Samantha, I think maybe you should go lie down," Liara put an arm around the other woman's shoulders, coaxing her toward the back room.

"Some people just can't hold their shit," James mused with a smirk, filling the glass with ice from the freezer as Liara returned, walking up behind him almost too quietly to be noticed.

"How's she doing?"

Vega was surprised how well she held herself together after the amount he'd seen her drink — must have been an asari thing, he reasoned.

"She's fine. Dehydrated and about two seconds from passing out on me, but she'll live," he turned the faucet on, waiting a second for the water's temperature to drop, "Least she had fun. That was good to see."

"True, she doesn't usually allow herself that. And I suppose she's survived worse," the doctor was a pro at stating the obvious, "Like Mel…"

"Did she ever tell you about what happened on Akuze?" he knew Shepard had said she'd never mentioned it to anyone else, but with the conversation he'd had with the commander still fresh and raw in his memory, he felt compelled to ask for some reason.

"Not exactly. However, I dipped into the commander's mind more than once when we were after Saren. It was only bits and pieces, but it's hard to ignore something that's so close to the surface like that," Liara took a few steps closer to him, "You're important to her, James. Please, don't hurt her."

"I won't, doc," he was pacified by the admission that she hadn't actually told the asari about her past, "I'm gonna do everything I can to keep her from hurting ever again."

"I know… I told you before, there was a point that I thought I felt the same way you do about her. But I've come to realize that it was more avid admiration than true affection. Regardless, she's my best friend, and I care about her very much… And I've always liked you, Lieutenant, as harsh and vain as you may try to act sometimes," she brought her eyes to his, sincerity painted across her azure features, "I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. It might not mean anything to you, to have the blessing of her friends, but I'm giving it to you anyway."

"It does," he nodded for emphasis, "Thanks, Liara. It means a lot. Hey, you're not, uh, mad at me about the whole biotics thing are you?"

"Of course not. We're all friends. No harm in a little fun competition every now and then," she gave him a warm half-grin, "I think I'll turn in myself. She should probably take some aspirin too… we all should. Goodnight James."

"Buenas noches, doc," he returned the smile and retrieved the bottle of aspirin from the cabinet it'd been stored in earlier, "Thanks for the tip."

"Anytime," with that, she meandered away, leaving the lieutenant free to return to his commander.

Vega had to admit that it made him feel pretty amazing to know that Shepard's whole crew seemed to consider him not just another member of the team, but an actual friend as well. As much as he was glad to be accepted by her, having the people she trusted think enough of him to be happy about their relationship was on a whole other wavelength — something he'd be thankful for until the end of his days. It would have continued on as it was, whether he'd gotten the blessing or not, but it certainly wouldn't have felt as right without it. By the time he reached the room, Zoe was slipping in and out of a sleepy daze. James crossed to her side of the bed and sat gently down on the edge. As he rested the glass on the bedside table, he placed a hand on her shoulder to rouse her.

"Hey, Zoe, here," he picked up her hand, turning her palm up to place the pills in the middle of it, and closing her fingers over so she wouldn't drop them, "Take these before you pass out on me."

She forced her head up and squinted at the contents of her hand, before throwing the medicine down her throat and motioning for the glass, "Thank you."

"Thank the doc," he handed her the water, and she took it with a trembling hand.

Zoe gulped down the liquid like she'd just left the desert and hadn't had a drink in days. When it was nearly empty, she handed it back to him and let her head fall heavily back onto the pillow.

"I'm going to regret this in the morning," she groaned.

"That means you had a good time," he gave a light chuckle, "The best parties are the fiestas we'll never remember with the compadres we'll never forget.

"I'll drink to that," she joked, halfheartedly.

Not a minute later, Zoe's eyes fell shut and her breath became a steady, rhythmic in and out. Vega stood up slowly, removing his pants as he circled around the bed to take his place beside her. He sat and kicked off his boots, draping his dog tags across the lampshade as he had the night before. James could vaguely picture himself getting used to this routine.

James had never thought he would be the kind of man to settle down with just one woman — but Shepard was more than just one woman — she was every kind of woman he'd ever found attractive, all wrapped up into one perfect body. On top of that, she really liked him. She had liked him ever since the beginning when all she'd known about him was that he was an overly flirtatious soldier with a cocky attitude. She had liked him even through learning about his failures and doubts.

Better yet, she loved him, and she made it perfectly clear that it was with all her heart that she did so. Even if she hadn't reciprocated the feelings, James would have felt the same way. Regardless of what had happened in the past or what was in their future, no other woman after Shepard would be enough. As he tucked into bed beside her, Zoe rolled towards him and slid her hand across his chest, stopping it just above his heart. The lieutenant glanced down at her slender digits resting there, the ring glinting in the lamplight before he reached to hit the switch. It didn't matter that they'd only known each other just short of a year, she was it. There would never be another love like this for him. And one day — maybe not so soon, but eventually — Vega already knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would be replacing the simple band with something better, something more fitting to the way he really felt, if she would have it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fisgón = nosey


	29. Afterburn

Shepard woke up in a foggy haze, but surprisingly, there wasn't the barest hint of the headache she'd been anticipating. She vaguely recalled being handed some aspirin the night before and she sent out a silent prayer of thanks to whomever may be listening. The commander had never been a very religious person, but she swore to whatever great deity might be out there that she wouldn't be repeating the events of the night before — not the over-imbibing part, anyway. She was curled around James' sleeping form, one leg thrown over both of his, her head laying heavily on his hardened bicep, and when she stirred a bit so did he, turning to face her and squinting through tired eyes.

"Buenos días, mi amor," she whispered, nuzzling her nose to his neck.

"Glad to see you made it through the night," the lieutenant kissed her hair, smoothing it down with his palm, "How you feelin'?"

"Better than expected," Zoe scooted closer, wrapping herself tightly to his side, "I had a tall, strapping hispanic angel visit me with gifts of aspirin and ice water last night, else I may have succumbed to the evils of the devil's drink."

He let out a tired chuckle, "Shit, I wish we could just lay here all day."

"Me too," she placed a sweet peck on his cheek, "But duty calls…"

"You're lips are what's calling me, hermosa," James brought a hand to her face and pulled her towards him, giving her a sleepy, lingering, kiss.

Shepard broke away suddenly, and searched his face with an apologetic expression, "I'm really sorry about last night. About, you know… shutting you down. Please, don't think I didn't want it —"

He stopped her short, "Zoe, I know. It's okay. There's nothing to be sorry about. It was the right thing to do, and we'll get there. We ain't dead yet."

"I know," her face clouded with distress at the words he used, "But we could be any day now. What if that was our last chance?"

"It won't be, I promise you," he grazed her jaw tenderly with his thumb, "Speaking of promises…"

She smiled warmly at the hint, "Oh _yeah_ … I think it's time for you to get your ass out of bed and make me some eggs."

The lieutenant kissed his commander once more and rolled out of the covers, pulling on his pants and dog tags. He cast a glance over his shoulder to see her push herself up to stand. Zoe stretched her arms wide and her tank top rode up with the motion just enough to show the sleek N7 tattoo underneath. The tips of her wings peeked out from the Y in the top of her shirt, the ink curling just barely over the tops of her toned shoulders, and a random thought occurred to Vega; she'd never worn tank tops back on Earth, most likely in an attempt to hide the artwork from her superiors. Perhaps that was why all her tattoos were in such discrete locations. She seriously thought of everything. He wondered if dying her hair purple had been the commander's first real breaking point — the moment she'd decided to throw caution to the wind and become a little more carefree about how her personal decisions affected others.

Shepard crossed to the door and bent to pick her clothes up from where they'd been discarded the day before, tossing them carelessly to the closet to be dealt with later. He clenched his jaw at the sight of her shapely backside, displayed in all its glory, then sucked in a breath as she shimmied a pair of pajama shorts up her legs. As if that wasn't enough to throw him into overdrive, she did the unexpected. Evidently, it wasn't as easy to put a bra on with clothes as it was to take it off. Zoe pulled her shirt up over her head, and threw it away with the rest, passing to the closet without a care as to whether or not James was watching. A heady groan escaped his lips and he was experiencing the strongest urge yet to take her, as soon as humanly possible.

"Mierda, Lola, you're _killin'_ me here," he threw his head back and rubbed at his face hard with both hands.

"Oh shit, sorry," Shepard dashed behind the closet doors, her whole body flushing with abashed warmth, "I guess I'm still kind of in a daze."

"Hey, don't be sorry," the lieutenant stood up finally, reaching for his shirt and pulling it on, "No point in hiding now either, I already got a decent look at the goods."

Zoe pulled her bra and a clean t-shirt on quickly, stepping out of the closet with embarrassment marking her features, "So much for leaving something to the imagination."

"Damn, not even one more little peek?" he stepped towards her and circled her waist with his arms.

"Maybe later, Lieutenant," she leaned into him and he bent to touch his forehead to hers, "Right now, I'm starving."

"Me too… but, uh… maybe not for food…" Vega winked, pulling away and taking her hand to lead her downstairs.

A chirping noise pierced the air, as they crossed out of the room, and Shepard paused mid-step, opening her omni-tool to read the urgent message that had chimed in. James turned to her with an inquisitive expression that deepened when he saw her eyes go wide.

"Jimmy! I've got some good news for you!" she sprang towards him, never breaking her gaze from the device as she brought it up closer so he could read it as well, "It's your uncle. He's alive!"

James gripped her wrist, pulling the omni-tool close to his face, finding it hard to believe what he was seeing, "You found him? How?"

"I called in a few favors," Zoe smirked, obviously pleased by his reaction, "When you told me about him, and how much he means to you, well… you couldn't have expected me not to try, at least. He's in the refugee camp they set up on Mars after the Illusive Man swept the Archives."

"This is… I can't…" the lieutenant spun around and swept her up in a tight hug, "Thank you. I don't know how I'm ever gonna get you back for this."

She planted a big, loud kiss on the side of his cheek and let out a musical giggle as she replied, "You're welcome, Jimmy. And breakfast, you can pay me back with breakfast."

There were half-awake bodies scattered all about the apartment, as they made their way hand-in-hand toward the living room, and Shepard felt compelled to check on the wellbeing of her crew.

"You go cook, I'm gonna make the rounds and take a headcount of the casualties."

"Not gonna help me?" James inquired, a little disappointed that she was breaking off from him so soon.

"Oh, you do not want to get me around anything that involves preparing food. Cooking is _not_ my strong point," Zoe gave a lighthearted chuckle, "Besides, war is hell and I'm afraid we lost a few good men last night."

"Tequila Warfare, it's a brutal thing," he sorted a laugh as she started off in the opposite direction, giving her rear a swift pat, "I hate to see you go, Lola, but I _love_ to watch you leave."

The commander rolled her eyes at the cheesy line, a wide grin spreading across her face, as she trotted away. James darted towards the kitchen, excitement filling him at finally having a decent time and place to show off his cooking skills. It was something his abuela had taught him to be proud of.

_'Cook a woman a hot, hearty meal one time, she will return to you every night for supper,'_ she used to tell him, practically every time he helped her prepare a meal.

Thinking back on it, Vega could almost smell the memories of the scents that constantly wafted through the old woman's house when he was a child. His abuela, his mother, his uncle — hell, even his son of a bitch father — every one of them would have loved Shepard for their own reasons. He hoped one day his uncle, at least, would be graced with her larger than life presence.

Ashley, Grunt, and Miranda had already gathered in the kitchen and someone had been cooking — and burning — bacon. The LC was hovering uneasily over the coffee maker, breathing in the warm aroma of the brewing liquid.

"I'm going to drink _all_ the coffee today… all of it," she groaned, rubbing hard at her temples with the tips of her fingers, "Hey, Lieutenant. You look like you feel better than most of us."

"He's got a lot of padding to soak up the alcohol," Miranda mused, looking rather fresh faced herself.

"That was one wild night," Grunt… grunted from his post behind the island.

"Even wilder for you, I bet," Ashley side-eyed Vega with a mischievous grin, "You're the only one that didn't go to sleep alone… Joker and EDI not withstanding… I mean, how does that even work anyway?"

"I'd rather not think about it before breakfast, thank you," Miranda sneered, the thought to her both confusing and a bit unsettling.

"Why the hell is everyone so interested in our sex life? Which doesn't exist yet, by the way, since you're so damn curious," he busied himself preparing the meal he'd promised Shepard, trying hard to ignore the flustered heat creeping up his neck.

"I never thought I'd actually see you blush, Vega," Ash wasn't letting up, and it was starting to get under his skin, "Anyway, you're a good guy. Most men would have taken advantage of the situation last night."

"She's right," Miranda chimed in, "Shepard's lucky to be in such strong, capable, _respectful_ hands."

"You got a brother?" the LC quipped, "Or maybe a long lost twin?"

That one actually made him chuckle, "You're full of shit, Ash."

"Perhaps you're a triplet and you're just not aware?" Miranda added.

"You're both loca as they come, anyone ever told you that?" he shook his head, flipping the eggs into the air and catching them skillfully in the pan.

"I've been called worse," Ash shrugged, taking a long gulp of fresh, black coffee.

"Hey, what am I, chopped varren liver?" Grunt growled, flexing his arms in some kind of desperate attempt to draw the females' attention.

"Sorry, Wrex, you're not exactly my type," the LC took no pains to hide her grimace.

"I'm _Grunt_ , you air-headed twit," he shot her a nasty look, "I wasn't talking to you anyway."

Miranda's eye shot wide when he turned what was probably supposed to be the krogan equivalent of a seductive gaze in her direction. James' laughter echoed through the kitchen, and he almost dropped the tortillas to the floor as he doubled over in hysterics.

"What the hell's so funny?" poor Grunt looked utterly confused, "Shut up and finish the damn food, idiot. I'm starving!"

Zoe found her other comrades well, if still a little off their game from the night's festivities. When she finally made her way to the kitchen, the delicious aroma of James' lovingly prepared feast drifted into her nose. She closed her eyes, breathing it in deeply, and when she opened them again he was standing in front of her with a plate already filled for her. He leaned down to give the commander a quick kiss before handing it over, flashing a sweet smile before he turned to grab a plate of his own.

"Holy crap, this is _amazing_ ," Ashley mumbled through a mouth full of food, "Exactly what I needed after last night."

Zoe took a seat at the kitchen's bar and took a large bite, "Damn, Jimmy, this _is_ delicious. Why the hell'd you wait so long to do this?"

James just shrugged, looking appreciably humble considering the amount he'd boasted about his skills beforehand, "It's not as good as my abuela's, but it's pretty close."

"It's spectacular," Miranda assured him, "Considerate, loyal, _and_ a good cook? Now I really do wish you had a brother."

"Hey, Zoe… you ever thought about polyamory? Because, I mean, I'd be more than willing to do some girl on girl stuff if you'd be willing to share the wealth, here," Ash eyed Vega up and down suggestively.

"I could get into that," Zoe quirked a flirty eyebrow at the LC, visibly throwing her off and almost causing James to choke on a mouthful of eggs.

" _Awkwaaard_ ," Miranda singsonged, rolling her eyes at the incorrigible triplet of miscreants, and standing to take her leave, "On that note, if you all will excuse me, I have to be going. My team is getting close to narrowing down Kai Leng's location. We should have the coordinates to you by this evening. Thank you so much for inviting me, Shepard. I had a wonderful time."

"Thanks for coming," the commander stood and gave her old friend a tight hug, "I'm glad we all got one last chance to spend some time together."

"Hey, don't talk like that," Miranda's face clouded with concern.

"I… I don't know know why I said that," Zoe looked confused for a second, "But, it's still true, I guess."

"You'll be fine, Shepard," she gave the commander's shoulder a reassuring squeeze before turning and heading towards the exit, "Good luck! See you soon!"

"I guess we should all be heading out soon," Shepard looked down into her almost empty plate and sighed deeply, "Time to rally the troops and pass out the aspirin."

* * *

Zoe stood solemnly on the edge of the balcony outside docking bay, ruminating over the course of events that had led her this far. The rest of the team would be along soon, and after the roaring party the night before, she found peace in this rare moment of self-reflection. However, in the back of her mind, an unwelcome voice reminded her that this was simply the calm before the storm. Three days wasted, in a way, that could have been used to wrap up a few tasks that might have given them an even greater advantage in the days to come. As she was slowly drifting away from her calm state, into mounting disquiet, she heard a set of familiar footstep approach behind her.

"Hey, Lola," James stepped up beside Shepard, leaning on hand against the railing, and slipping the other around her to pull her closer, "Time to get back out there, huh?"

"At least we threw one hell of a party," the commander rested her head against the lieutenant's chest, encircling his waist with her arms, "Probably the last one."

"Nah, you always find a way to beat the bad guys," he leaned down to place a soft kiss to the top of her head, "This time's not gonna be any different."

The remainder of the squad trailed in, grouping around them, giving Shepard that sense completion that she so desperately needed at that moment.

"The lieutenant's right," Ashley chimed in, "You've got this, Shepard. And we've got your back."

"Every last one of us," Garrus added as he passed, following the rest of the crew as they filed towards the airlock.

Joker stepped up to her, clapping a hand on her shoulder with an expression of solemn gratitude, "It's been a good ride, Commander."

She nodded resolutely, scanning her eyes over the hull of the ship she so adored, "The best…"

After everyone had made their way into the ship, James turned to Zoe, bringing a hand up to caress her cheek, "And it ain't over yet, hermosa. And I'm with you, all the way through the end."

"Promesa?" she smiled up at him, bringing her own hands to his face in a similar gesture.

He dipped down to touch his forehead to hers, running his thumbs lightly across her jaw, his eyes shining with deep, sincere affection, "Promesa."

Shepard searched his face with a desperate gaze, trying hard to find the way to say what she wanted to express, "No matter what happens from here, I'll always love you. I need you to know that."

She didn't wait for him to respond; instead, she sprang up onto her tiptoes and brought her lips to his, silencing whatever his reply might have been. The kiss was soft, yet passionate but, to James, something about it felt final.

He pulled back from her abruptly, "I'll always love you too, Zoe. Don't ever doubt it. Not for one second."

"Yes sir," she chuckled, dropping her arms and taking his hand to lead him towards the ship, "Come on, mi amor. Lets go home."

* * *

"She's doin' it again, man," James paced back and forth along the shuttle bay, "Just a few hours back on board and she's already like a different person. I should've known this was gonna happen."

"Shepard's just doing her job, buddy," Cortez had no idea what to say, he wasn't used to the other lieutenant being so open like this, but he was doing his best to talk him down, "Give her some time, she'll soften up again. She probably just feels a little guilty."

"We aren't doing anything wrong anymore, not since the whole Spectre thing," Vega was on the defensive now, eyes wild with worry and frustration.

"Not about you, I mean about the party — shore leave in general, really," Steve explained, "When has Shepard ever been known to take a break like that in the middle of something this big? It's probably weighing on her conscience like crazy. Just… take some deep breaths, calm down, and go be there for her. Don't worry if she doesn't get all doe eyed when she sees you, for a few days at least. She's just back in Commander Mode now, probably a little bit in overdrive to make up for lost time."

James ran his hands through his mohawk and let out an irritated sigh, "Yeah, okay, you're probably right. Still… it seemed like we made so much progress and now we're right back to where we were."

"No, man, you're not," Cortez shook his head for emphasis, "You woke up something in her that probably no one else has seen before, and it's still right there on the surface, it's just buried under data pads and red tape and worrying about the Reapers right now."

What the armory chief said was true, but James' fears weren't entirely without merit either. Zoe had admittedly folded back in on herself in the brief number of hours that they'd been back aboard the Normandy. She did feel guilty about allowing what was, to her, an unnecessary amount of time to pass before going back to work. It hadn't really hit her the whole time they'd been on the Citadel. The days seemed to go by so quickly, until they were over — at which point it felt like a lifetime since they'd been on the job.

But that wasn't the only thing causing her to push away from the lieutenant, once again. It had hit her some time between saying goodbye to Miranda, and actually setting foot on the ship. It was something she'd already thought about several times over, but had just suddenly sank in and became real. She could lose him on this one. No, that wasn't what it was… she wasn't afraid of him dying, because she was going to do everything in her power to keep him out of this.

It was that she knew, somewhere in the deep recesses of her soul, that she wasn't going to make it out of this one. There would be no Cerberus to pull her out of deep space, rebuild her until she was better than new — not this time. This was truly endgame for her. No turning back, no driving straight through; just a dead end road that would leave the person she loved as empty and despondent as she'd once found herself. She couldn't do that. Shepard had said before she didn't want to, but at the same time she thought she was willing to chance it. She'd been wrong, reasoning now that it was better to hurt him and have him hate her when she died than leave him with an aching, defective heart. She knew that feeling entirely too well, and she'd fight as hard to keep him from experiencing that level of pain as she would to keep him alive.

In the mere hours they'd been back to the grind, somehow she'd managed to rally a few more last-minute allies and scout for a few war assets, before turning their focus to Cerberus Headquarters. It would be the next evening before they could reach it safely, so she encouraged the crew to lay low and focus on recovering to their full potential as quickly as possible. This fight wasn't going to be easy, and nursing a two day old hangover was sure to get someone a bullet to the brain if they weren't careful. James had been in good spirits at first, pumped to finally be rejoining the fight. Then, however, he started to notice Zoe talking to him less and less, until she was all but ignoring him completely. She had even waved him away in favor of 'paper work' that was no more than busy work at this point.

Steve was right though. It was getting late, and before they could make it to Cerberus H.Q. the next day, he needed to talk to her. If only to reassure her that no matter what kind of cold, closed off facade she tried to pull around herself, the promise to be there for her would still stand true. She could shove him away, punch him in the face, it didn't matter — he was going to make her understand that she couldn't brush him off that easily, not after everything they had overcome in the past week.

He punched the button on the intercom system that rang into her cabin, where he knew she'd be bent over her piles of data pads and news reports, "Hey, Zoe. I need to talk to you."

"Not now, James," came her ice cold reply.

"Zoe, come on, it's important," Vega shot a helpless look at Cortez, who returned an expression that clearly said to leave him out of it, "I… uh, got a weird email from Anderson… it was, um… I don't know, it was weird, I think you should read it."

She was too damn fast for him, "Just forward it to me, Lieutenant, I'm busy."

"It, uh… it won't let me. Every time I try to forward it, my shit freezes up," if she wanted to be like that, he could be quicker, "I think it's best if I just show it to you myself."

"Fine…" Shepard didn't sound convinced, but finally relented, "Come on up."

"On my way," James breathed a sigh of relief, and from across the bay, Cortez let out a chuckle.

"Slick, Mr. Vega. Not many people can pull one over on the CO like that."

"She knows I'm lying, but thanks for the vote of confidence, Esteban," he started towards the elevator, "Now let's see if she actually lets me in."

"Sure you shouldn't wear your armor up there? Could get messy," Cortez called after him, as he entered the elevator and pressed the button to deliver him to the commander's quarters.


	30. Slow It Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post another chapter today, but it will probably be a little while (maybe a week or so) before I can put anything up again, so I wanted to get this submitted while I had some time and before I lost my nerve. Okay, so... content warning/spoiler alert: we've -finally- arrived at the chapter that contains that sexual content I mentioned in the beginning. *sweats nervously* I have only written smut a handful of times, and I've never had the guts to actually published any, so I hope that you find that it is decent, in the very least. Not gonna lie, it takes up most of the chapter, because I mean, they had to wait 29 whole entries to get to this point so I tried to make it worth their while. Also, I just put translations next to the sentences this time to hopefully make it easier so you won't have to jump up and down the page. Anyway... enjoy! Thanks again, for reading this far. I'm going to go hide under a rock now. o.o

"Is there even a problem, or were you just trying to find a way to get in here and bother me while I'm trying to work?" Shepard's tone was biting and fiery as the lieutenant passed through the door into the captain's cabin.

James crossed his arms and leaned up against the wall outside the small cubicle, staring down at her with narrowed eyes, "Looks like the only one with a problem here is you. What the hell's up with you right now?"

"I'm busy. I've told you that numerous times already," she tossed a data pad forcefully to the side, "Now, if there's nothing going on with Anderson, will you please just let me get back to it? I've had entirely too many distractions the last few days."

"So, that's all I was — a distraction for a few days?" he knew it wasn't true, but the only way to get her out of this shell was to force her to break it open, that much he'd learned from their previous altercations.

"Yep, that's it. I'm sorry, but the fun is over, Lieutenant. We're back to the real work now, and the real work requires concentration and no—" he cut her off.

"Distractions?"

"Exactly…" Shepard's voice was faltering now.

"You act like I don't know what you're doing. Give me some credit, Zoe. I'm not an idiot and I know how you are," he took a few steps towards her, but she kept her back to him, "It doesn't have to be like this. I'm still here for you."

"Well, I'm not here for you. I'm here for the sake of the galaxy, nothing more. Please _leave_ , Lieutenant," over her shoulder he could see her begin to fiddle with her fingers, "That's an order."

"Zoe… don't do this," James reached out for her bicep but slinked back again, careful not to touch her just yet, "You know, it doesn't matter how much you try to make me hate you, it ain't gonna happen."

"Do you want me to have you forcibly removed, Vega?" Zoe was clenching her fists together so hard her knuckles were turning white from the strain.

"Please, just talk to me!" his voice came out much louder than he'd intended, "Just tell me what you're so goddamn afraid of!"

Shepard shot out of her seat and spun around to him, tears brimming on the cusps of her lower eyelids, tangling in between her long lashes, "I'm afraid that I'm not going to make it through this! This is it for me, James. You can't be with me, because I'm already _dead!_ "

"If you're dead, how are you standing right here in front of me?" he took great pains to lower his tone, trying to avoid blowing the situation out of the water.

"You know what I mean, dammit!" she took a deep breath in, "I don't know how I know, but I'm positive; this is the end for me. I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to leave you alone in the same state I lived in for a fucking _decade_. You don't know what it feels like to be left constantly wondering if there was something you could have done differently to keep the person you loved alive. If there was a way you could have saved them, but feeling as if you were helpless to stop it. If their actions would have been different if you hadn't even been there in the first place… if they'd never loved you in the first place. You don't know how that feels and you're not going to, because I'm ending this now. It's over, Lieutenant, so please just go away!"

"No! You can't just force me to stop feeling the way I do because you're scared of how I _might_ end up _if_ you die!" he took another step towards her, but she turned her back on him.

"When I die," she stated, flatly, "It's going to happen whether you want to accept it or not."

Vega was steadily reaching his boiling point, frustrated to no end that she was falling back into her old reservations, "You don't know that!"

Zoe's words were shaky and forced, her voice not even sounding like her own as she repeated the hollow rebuke she'd tried so many times before, "It's _Commander_. Have some respect for your superiors, soldier."

"Stop it," his own voice came out the breath of a whisper this time, "You're not gonna die on me and I'm not gonna die on you. You're gonna get through this like you have everything else and come out the other side stronger — if that's even possible."

"You don't know what's going to happen. You could be right, but so could I," she spoke quieter now, but her tone was still rough and on edge.

This time, when James reached out, he actually touched her, but she pulled away instinctively, causing his gruff inflection to return, "You don't know either, whether you want to accept it or not. What if you're wrong and you do live through this? If you really want to end this now, fine. But are you really prepared to leave things like this if we all come out the other side? There's no taking it back, Zoe. If you want me out of your life, I'm gone… for good."

Shepard dropped her head slowly, but stayed silent, so he continued.

"And if you _do_ die… what? You want me to hate you when you're gone? You'd rather leave me with resentment? That doesn't even make any sense. Is that what you want? 'Cause whatever you think you're doing, it's not working. You can push me away, you can throw me out the airlock, I don't give a shit, I'm still going to love you," he didn't like the sting of desperation that was filling his soul, but he _needed_ her to look at him, if he had to talk all night to make it happen, "I admired you for years before I met you. I fell hard the first time I ever set eyes on you. You only had to say two words to me, and I knew I was in too deep and if I stayed around you for long I was a goner. You said you weren't running away anymore. You said you wanted this — no, you said you fucking _needed_ it. What's so different now? _Especially_ if you seriously think you're in for it this time around?!"

Zoe balled her fists, her nails cutting half-moons in her palms from the force, "Shut up! Just shut up!"

The commander spun on her toes and charged at him. James threw his arms up, afraid she was going in for the kill, but to his surprise, she pulled him down to her level, shoving her lips to his. The change was abrupt and a bit unsettling; not a minute ago she'd been trying to make him rethink everything they had said and done to each other for the past few days. Now, she was practically climbing him, tugging at his shirt, nipping at his bottom lip, grinding against his body in ways she'd never done before.

"Stop, Zoe," he pushed her back, and she reluctantly capitulated the order, "It's not gonna happen like this, either."

"That's what you want, isn't it? Get in the famous Commander Shepard's pants so you have one hell of a story to tell when I'm gone?" she spat the accusation at him like venom from a snake.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You're not acting like yourself," Vega gripped her forearms tightly, urging her to emancipate the girl he knew was trapped somewhere behind this vehement camouflage, "Did you listen to what I just told you? You can act as hateful and vindictive as you want. I'll hit the road and never look back, but that's not gonna make me stop loving you, Zoe. Please, just come back to me."

Shepard dropped to the ground, landing hard on her buckled knees. He tried to catch her but she'd gone down dead weight, suddenly and without warning. At first he thought she might have passed out, but when he stooped to her level, he saw her eyes were open. She was just staring, eerily blank, at the wall in front of her. It appeared as if she had finally lost it for real, and James was beginning to worry that even he might not be able to pull her back from the edge this time. It occurred to him that maybe she 'knew' she was going to die because she planned it that way. She had it in her head to throw herself on the fire to put it out; a sacrifice on the pyre of necessity for the greater good of the galaxy.

"I'm sorry, James," the words were said so quietly he could hardly hear.

"It doesn't have to end like this, Zoe," he brushed her cheek with the back of his fingers, and she flinched slightly, " _We_ don't have to end like this. Let me be here for you."

"You can't anymore. This is my fight. I have to stop this once and for all. It's up to me. I can't put this on you or any of the rest of the crew. I've known from the beginning that I'd go down alone in the end. So, just let it be how it has to be," she was still peering intensely at the metal, her stoic gaze practically boring a hole through it.

"I'm not gonna accept that. You know I won't," the lieutenant slid his hand under her chin, forcing her face up, but she continued to refuse to meet his gaze, "You don't have to look at me, just _hear_ me. I love you. I'm gonna love you, _past_ the end, whatever it is. If you're not there, I'm gonna love you. If you're there and you tell me to get lost, I'm still gonna love you. Where's the girl that I fell for to begin with, huh? 'Cause she wouldn't just lay down and accept her death, the way you are right now."

Those words visibly struck a chord in her, and she raised her eyes to his, finally. Her lips were quivering, but her eyes had long since dried from the tears she'd shed at the beginning of the altercation. This was a stale, exhausted anguish she was experiencing; a heartbreaking defeat, whether they won the final battle or not. Shepard had resigned herself to her fate, built her walls back up with adamantine when they'd returned to duty. But, she was crumbling again. How many times had he seen this already, in just the short time they'd known each other? How had he managed to be the only person in the universe to witness Shepard as a vulnerable, shaken woman, instead of the tenacious, relentless commanding officer the galaxy knew so well? Why did he consider himself lucky to be put through this on multiple occasions now?

"I… I don't know what to do anymore. I just want this to be over," Zoe's voice was cracking, along with her resolve, "When we were on the Citadel, in the apartment, I could see us making a life there… after everything. For a moment in time it was like none of this was happening, like none of it had ever happened. But the memory is already getting hazy. I thought if I could hold onto it, it would get me through this, but then I started feeling guilty about wanting that… wanting to settle down and just _stop fighting_ for a while. People are dying, whole civilizations have been destroyed, and we were kicking back, getting drunk and having fun. We're supposed to be the heroes… I'm supposed to be the 'savior of the galaxy.' How many people do you think died while I was taking shots last night?"

"This is all about guilt over stopping to have some time for yourself for a couple days? You didn't have much of a choice, Shepard, you were following orders from Admiral Hackett," he pointed out.

Zoe had nearly forgotten about that; they were grounded so the Normandy could be repaired and maintained. Somewhere along the way, she'd convinced herself that the break was her idea. Maybe it was because she'd needed it so badly, but now she was letting the consequences of her self-doubt outweigh the benefits she couldn't deny the down time had delivered. Whatever the case, with the realization setting in, a crushing weight began to lift from her shoulders and the light slowly returned to her eyes.

"Hey, Lola, that you in there?" he teased easily, searching her face with concern still apparent in his visage, "Look, I know you feel like shit. You're telling yourself you neglected your responsibilities for your own happiness, but somewhere in there you know that's not true. And you know it's especially not true when it comes to us, am I right?"

"Yeah, I know…" with that, the walls came swiftly, mercifully crashing to the ground.

James brought his hands up, cupping her face and stroking her cheeks with his thumbs, "And you know I love you, right?"

"I love you, too," she hadn't actually answered the question, but it was good enough for him.

"I know," he touched his forehead to hers, their eyes locked together like magnets, "We'll get through this, and we'll do it together, understand?"

Shepard let a hint of a smile show itself, "Yes, sir."

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and this galaxy. Don't know how we all got so lucky."

"How can you say that? I've been nothing but trouble since you met me."

"Because it's what I've been thinking since _before_ I even met you… and because it's true. You've been through so much. It's time you started letting some things go."

There was a distinct sincerity to his words and Shepard felt a charge of electricity rush through her. As if willed by some unseen force, she pushed herself to her feet, grasping Vega's hand and pulling him up along with her. She circled his neck with her arms, pushing herself up on her toes and meeting him halfway for a true kiss. He pulled her into his body, clinging to her tightly, a wave of relief flooding over him.

Shepard dropped her face for a moment in embarrassment, "I'm so sorry, James. I shouldn't have said all those things."

"It's alright, Zoe, but will you promise me something?" he pushed her chin up gently with a single finger.

"Sure," she wasn't that at all, but she'd humor him for the moment.

"When we reach endgame, promise me you'll take me with you through the final stretch," his dark eyes begged with a tangible desperation, "I want to be there when you take down those sons of bitches. Please?"

"I promise. I wouldn't have it any other way," she sealed the vow with a deep, sentimental kiss, the heat of it leaving them both breathless, "Quédate conmigo esta noche." (Stay with me tonight.)

She had said that same thing once before, only a short while ago, but this time the phrase held an openly different intention. It wasn't a forlorn plea for companionship, but a request for something far more acute and intimate.

"Quiero que me hagas el amor," she was searching his eyes for an answer, the soft, striking grey of them shining with brilliant clarity. (I want you to make love to me.)

"Estás seguro?" he tucked a stray hair behind her ear and she smiled up at him, surfacing through her self-inflicted persecution at last. (Are you sure?)

"Sí," Zoe whispered the word, slipping her hands around the lieutenant's neck and pulling him to her for a deeper, more amorous kiss.

That single word was all he needed to hear to seize the moment. James dropped his hands low, hooking them in the bends of her knees, and lifting her smoothly off the ground. He carried her backwards and sat her down on the edge of her desk, their lips barely parting during the shift. He tugged her t-shirt up out of her waistband, sliding his hand under the soft cotton fabric and feeling his way gradually up her toned abs. The commander was done wasting time at this point. She yanked the shirt off swiftly, throwing it behind her and reaching back with one hand to unclasp her bra. He followed suit, removing his own shirt and tossing it away as well before tugging hungrily at the straps of her lacy lingerie, sliding them down carefully, letting his fingers trail goosebumps down her arms as he did.

The garment went toppling to the floor, and for a moment, the lieutenant stood fixated by the sight of her. James raised both hands to her supple breasts, pushing the soft flesh upward, mostly to get a better view of the ink hiding underneath. Shepard let out a soft moan and bit her bottom lip, running her own hands down his sides, coaxing his hips closer. He pressed into her, dropping soft kisses down her neck and shoulders as she tilted her head, allowing him better access, her fingers finding the buckle of his belt. Zoe's hands were still shaking, causing her to have a noticeably hard time working the relatively simple accessory, so James stopped her and found her eyes with his own, making a motion towards the bed. She nodded her agreement and he picked her back up the same way he had before.

Shepard wrapped her legs around his waist and nuzzled into his neck, nipping and sucking at the taut flesh there, as he carried her quickly down the stairs. When they reached the side of the bed he released her, and she dropped her feet to the floor, peering silently up at him, unsure of where to go from there. Zoe had only done this with one other male in her life, and that had been a very long time ago, when she was still a teenager; it had been quick, messy, and unpleasant. She already knew this encounter was going to be worlds different. For one thing, James had made it obvious he had a breadth of experience in the matter, but most importantly, they loved each other with a fiery intensity that could melt the sun itself.

The lieutenant noticed her hesitation, so he gladly took the reigns of the situation, pulling at her belt buckle, undoing it fast and skillfully. He pushed her cargo pants down the curves of her hips, leaving her panties in position for the time being, and urged her to step out of them as she had the night before. Something about the sight of her almost naked with her combat boots still on drove him absolutely crazy. He kicked his shoes and socks off, before taking to his own belt buckle, never dropping his gaze from her dazzling, curvaceous form. Shepard slid her hands up his arms, dancing them across his muscular shoulders, lingering on the chain of his dog tags. She fiddled with the silver plates for a second, before sliding her fingers under the chain and gently lifting it over his head. She turned slightly and draped the necklace across the lampshade, mimicking his actions from the past two nights they'd spent together.

This night, the gesture meant something entirely new. In this span of time, however long it lasted, they weren't soldiers, they weren't officers. As far as they were concerned, the titles of lieutenant and commander were nonexistent. They were simply two people traveling the rocky roads of life who, by the sweet grace of chance, had crashed into each other when their paths had blessedly intertwined. The path they'd made as a team hadn't been the smoothest ride of all, but it was theirs; they were together through better and worse, and now they were reaching the apex of their shared adventure. Standing there with him, exposed and flush with need, Zoe felt a surge of emotion quaver through her. She reached for him, bringing her hands to his face, gazing upward adoringly with glassy storm cloud eyes.

"I love you so much, James," she'd told him numerous times already, but in that moment she was compelled to make sure he knew, especially after the things she had said only moments before.

"I love you too, Zoe. Eres el amor de mi vida," a solitary tear trickled slowly from the corner of her eye but he brushed it away with his thumb, and placed a soft, sweet kiss to her forehead, "Cada día te quiero más." (You are the love of my life. Every day I love you more.)

Zoe reached to the back of her head and undid the clasp holding her hair in place, letting her long locks cascaded loosely down her shoulders, "Quiero ser tuya." (I want to be yours)

She sat back on the bed and scooted towards the middle, laying back on her elbows, one leg stretched straight out, the other crooked slightly. Her bent knee swayed slowly, enticingly from side to side as she nibbled her bottom lip, and lifted a single finger to coax him towards her. It was, without a doubt, the most seductive sight James had ever laid eyes on. He was going to make every effort to draw this out as long as possible.

The lieutenant began at her boots, undoing the laces slowly and sliding them off, along with her socks, his movements achingly gradual. He trailed a series of leisurely pecks up her toned calves, towards her thick, shapely thighs, up to her hip, where he paused to linger at her lower stomach. He kissed around the tattoo that circled her bellybutton, playing the glittering ring blithely with his tongue as he thumbed at the band of her panties. James tugged the silky fabric down, bringing his lips to the dip between her thigh and pelvis, hesitating in removing them, just to tease her a little longer. Zoe had fallen back on the bed, her eyes fluttering shut and her throat releasing heady moans with every other breath. He hadn't even begun and she was already quickly spiraling into a state of pure bliss.

James dropped his head to the hem of her underwear, taking it in his teeth and easing it down her hips, mouth and hands working in unison at the removal. He pulled back, sliding the garment down her legs, making one last pause as he dropped them to the side to take in the sight of her entirely. Shepard gazed up at him with those sparkling, silvery eyes, her lips parted and pouty, her breath coming out in short, panting bursts. The expression on her face was practically begging him to return to his task.

"Dios… you're so gorgeous, Zoe," his words left his throat a husky growl, as he inched his way back towards her.

He nudged her legs apart, and dipped his head down, placing a soft kiss to the inside of her thigh. She was already glistening with moisture, and he was ravenous to taste her, but he had a bit more bewitching in mind before he jumped right to that. Zoe slid her hand down her stomach, desperate for a touch that would bring some kind of release to the tension he was generating in her body. The slick slit between her legs had been gradually growing wetter since their disagreement earlier. Something about the zeal and candor of their arguments had always turned her on, even at the most inappropriate moments, and this time had been no different.

Vega could clearly read the hints she was trying desperately, wordlessly to express, and eased one thumb slowly down along her warm folds. With his opposite hand, he parted her gently, rubbing languid circles around her exposed clit. From the way she was writhing and gasping, he could tell it wasn't going to take long for her to reach her first climax — fine by him, since he planned to give her as many as he could before the night was through. She was visibly tender with lust, and while he sincerely wanted to hold out the teasing as long as possible, he finally relented. James shifted the the fingers of the hand that had been massaging her lower down her labia, and slowly, skillfully slid a single digit into the damp opening. At the same time, he dropped his lips to her clit, swirling his tongue along it, sucking and nipping ardently at the hypersensitive nerves.

Her back arched high, the moan she released much louder than any before it. Shepard's hands shot to her breasts and from his position he could easily glimpse the sight of her groping them roughly. The tattoo was plainly exposed now, set stark as midnight against her caramel skin. James was suddenly very thankful he had exceptional self-control, otherwise the vision would have thrown him over the edge in a split second. He refocused himself on his work, gliding his finger, slowly at first, in and out, progressively picking up speed. In tandem, his mouth worked at her with an insatiable hunger. When her body spoke to him, calling out that she was reaching her peak, he retracted his single finger and replaced it with two.

She cried out loudly, the sound a sultry mix of moan and growl, as she reached to the back of his head and held him there, imploring him not to stop. Zoe snaked her fingers through his mohawk and spread her legs wider, allowing him to delve deeper in his exploration. She rested her feet on his shoulders and he could feel her toes curling along his back at the sensations she was so obviously unaccustomed to experiencing. As he slipped a third finger inside of her, Shepard felt the tensity crest towards its breaking point. She called out his name as the release washed through her, a flood of incandescence and appeasement that left her in a trembling, languid daze. She dropped her hands and legs heavily to the mattress, for the moment spent and reeling from the event.

James scooted up next to her, watching her chest rise and fall with her ragged breaths. He slid a hand up her stomach, tracing the tattoo on her sternum with fingers still slick with her wetness. Her eyes were closed and her lips were quivering like leaves blowing in the breeze.

"Tappin' out already, Commander?" he ribbed, propping himself up on his forearm.

"Not on your life, Lieutenant," she let out a throaty chuckle, "It's just been… a really long time since I did anything like this with another person. Give me a minute."

"It's never been quite like this, has it?" he asked, sincerity etched across his features.

" _Nothing_ like this. You're only the—" she stopped herself, a tad embarrassed by the confession she had been about to let slip.

"The what?" James urged her on, his interest piqued by her timid expression.

"The third person I've slept with… only the second guy," Shepard brought a hand up to hide her eyes as she continued, "I've gotten the impression that you're quite a bit more experienced than I am. I'm just kind of worried that I might do something wrong."

"Not a whole lotta time for that kinda thing when you're out saving the galaxy for the majority of your life, huh?"

"Oh, I've had plenty of opportunities, and more than a few offers, but after the first time — I don't know, it was pretty horrible — so after that, I decided I wasn't going to go that far with anyone unless I had an emotional connection with them. And I've probably made it pretty obvious that I don't allow that to happen if I can help it," she finally dropped her hand down, and peered up at him with a tentative expression, "I know, that probably seems strange to most people. No casual sex just to relieve stress. That's probably why I'm so damn tense all the time."

"Nah, believe me, casual sex doesn't have the benefits that a lot of people make out like it does," James scoffed, "Causes more problems in the long run than anything. That's why I stopped fraternizing when I joined the military."

"Well, it didn't stop you from being a shameless flirt," Zoe smirked, bringing her fingers to his jaw to give it a slow, loving stroke, "God, I'm so lucky you came along…"

A soft, quiet burst of laughter escaped the lieutenant, and he dropped his head, looking uncharacteristically abashed, as he echoed the words he'd said to her after being injured on the Citadel, "You know, if someone had told me a year ago that one day I'd be laying in bed with _Commander Shepard_ , of all people, listening to her tell me _she's_ the lucky one… I would have laughed myself into a coma."

"Well, I'm glad you're fully conscious, 'cause I'm not done with you yet, and I think I feel a second wind coming on," she gripped his forearm and pulled it over, urging him to roll on top of her.

"That's what I like to hear, baby," he leaned in, taking her ear lobe in his teeth and tugging it playfully, "Voy a sacudir tu mundo." (I'm gonna rock your world.)

"Bésame, por favor," Shepard pleaded, her breath already returning to a shallow pant with just those few words. (Kiss me, please)

James grazed her cheek with his lips as he made his way to her waiting mouth, closing onto it with a kiss that siphoned out the last ounce of unwelcome burden that lingered in her tired soul. Their tongues danced together, and she could taste traces of herself still present there as his hands slid up and down her shapely, sun-kissed form, touching every inch of skin he could reach with a delicate, calculated flow. Zoe reached for the band of his briefs, hooking her thumbs under the elastic and pushing them down, bringing her knees up to his hips, and sliding the cloth further down with her nimble toes.

He kicked them the rest of the way off, before slipping a hand under her bottom to pull her into position. Shepard felt the weight of his hardness fall softly against her pelvis, and she reached down, encasing her fingers around it to give it a subdued series of strokes. James dropped his face to her chest as she caressed him, rugged groans escaping his chest, muffled by the soft pillows of her breasts. He found her right nipple with his mouth, encircling it with his lips, sucking the nub softly at first, but taking it harder and deeper as her own motions grew more swift. He brought up his other hand to massage her left breast, giving that nipple light pinches and tugs with his agile fingers.

Zoe slid her unoccupied hand down to the folds of her labia, parting herself with her fingers, and tilting her hips upward, rubbing against the tip of his tumescent erection. He muttered a curse into her collarbone as she pushed herself onto him, rocking her hips gently to ease his length inside. She was drenched and more than ready, but took the whole process slowly, steadily, letting small gasps fly from her lips every so often. The sound of her panting and the sensation of her walls gripping tightly around him was almost too much for James to bare, as she wrapped her legs firmly around his waist, urging him deeper still.

The lieutenant took control of the motions then, drifting attentively in and out. With her hands now free, she cupped his face, pulling it up to her own, imploring with her eyes to be kissed again. Her cheeks were becoming flushed, her brow peppered with beads of sweat and knitted with desire. James wanted to acquiesce, but he also just wanted to look at her. After a few moments of allowing himself to drown in the bottomless depths of her eyes, he leaned in, crashing his lips to hers, accelerating his momentum in time with his need. He twisted his fingers into her tangled amethyst locks, tugging the strands gently at the scalp, breathing in the moan that poured forth from her throat. Another climax was promising itself, and with a few more driving thrusts it cascaded over her. Zoe sank her teeth into his bottom lip, wrapping her arms around his chest and digging her nails into the toned flesh of his back.

She drug her fingers up his shoulders, as her walls clenched vigorously around his cock, the arduous thrill of the feeling sending him toppling towards the edge of his will. James was nowhere near ready for this to be over — not yet. With one, quick movement, he pulled himself free, drawing a dissatisfied gasp and a confused expression from her. He wasted no time, however, making his next intentions clear. He rolled swiftly onto his back, laying lengthwise across the bed, and pulled her over to straddle him.

Zoe hesitated, a thought crossing her mind, considering the possibility of doing something she'd never tried. He expected her to mount him, but instead, she slinked down the bed, settling herself on her knees between his legs. She twisted her fingers around his cock, pumping leisurely up and down, a wicked smile marked across her face.

"I'm gonna warn you," her voice came out a raspy whisper, "I've never done this before."

"You don't have to—" she stopped him short, lowering her mouth to the tip and wrapping her plump lips around the warm flesh in her hands, "Mierda… I think you're gonna do fine. Just… sin dientes, por favor." (no teeth, please)

She couldn't help but giggle, the sound muffled and even more pleasing than usual considering what was stifling it. Shepard lowered her head down his shaft, pushing it as deeply into her mouth as she could — which wasn't as far she'd hoped, but nonetheless, the action drew the desired affect. She wasn't at it long before the lieutenant found himself teetering on the brink once more.

"Zoe, stop…" James seethed through clenched teeth.

"Did I do something wrong?" she pulled back, wiping at her lips with the back of her hand, concern clouding her eyes.

"Oh, _hell_ no," he grabbed her arm and pulled her back up over him, "But that ain't how this is gonna end."

With a satisfied smirk, Shepard planted her knees parallel with his hips, lowering herself slowly back down onto him. The lieutenant's quiet breaths grew into deep, gravely groans as she raised up and dropped smoothly down again. Her riding climbed from a steady, deliberate rhythm, to rough and unhinged in a matter of minutes. Zoe ground into his hips, dropping her forehead to his, her hair draping around his face like a curtain of shimmering amaranthine. Her hands gripped the bedsheets, as she pressed down, driving him as far into her core as possible. James brought his hands up to pull her hair out of the way, clinging to it tightly as he watched her changing expressions intently, chiseling the image into his memory. She had her eyes pressed tightly shut, her countenance twisted in indulgent strife, and it was taking everything in him to hold himself back until she claimed one final orgasm.

"Shit, Zoe," Vega growled, his jaw set firm from the strain, "You feel so fucking good. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last."

"Estoy casi allí, no se detienen," she begged through gasping breaths. (I'm almost there, don't stop.)

If only she hadn't said it like that, he could have lasted for few more moments, at least. But as the last word left her trembling lips, he felt the wave of surrender topple forth like a tide breaking across the shore. It didn't matter, however, that he couldn't have held back if he tried; once she was aware of the throbbing force straining against her walls, her own climax crested through her. She shouted his name again, tossing her head back, in the throws of wild abandon. When the surge of gratification had run it's corse, she collapsed onto him with all her weight, groaning into his tense, sweat slicked shoulder.

" _Mierda_ ," James exhaled noisily, running his hands up her damp back, wrapping her in a sweet embrace, "That was… somethin' else."

Shepard moved her hips just enough for him to slide out of her, but she stayed on top of him, lingering in the warm hug, her face buried deeply in his neck, "Let's hope I can walk tomorrow. I'd hate to call in sick for the fight because my legs are too shaky to stand up."

He chuckled into her hair, caressing her spine with his fingertips, as he brought out another familiar quip, "I think you'll be okay, Lola. If I have to, I'll throw you over my shoulder. I'll cover the front line, you can take down the ones that come at us from behind."

"Sounds like a plan," Zoe snickered, the familiarity of the words not lost on her.

It took more effort than she thought it would to roll off of him, but she eventually managed to descend and curled up to his side, resting her groggy head on his chest.

"You have a hard time walking after that, I'd hate to see how you do after we have a chance to really cut loose," he tucked an arm under his head and snaked the other around her shoulders, "Not too many points of interest in this little room… the apartment, on the other hand…"

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Jimmy… I have a feeling it's going to be a while before we see that place again," she didn't want to bring down the mood, but the words were true enough.

"I don't wanna think about all that stuff right now, not after that," his tone was sharp and honest, "I'm glad you changed your mind. I'm glad this happened. This is the thing I want to hang onto when the shit hits the fan. Not the sex, but the connection. The way we've been able to push through all the bullshit to find each other again every time."

"I can't believe I was trying to get you to hate me," she covered her face with a hand, rubbing at her eyes with her finger tips, "You must have thought I was insane."

"I understand why you wanted to do it," James grasped her wrist gently and pulled her hand down so she'd look at him, "I wasn't just trying to talk you down. Everything I said was true. There's not a damn thing you could ever say or do that would make me hate you. I love you, Zoe. Nothing's ever gonna change that."

"I know… I love you too, James," she lifted her head to place a sweet kiss to his lips, hovering there for a moment before resting her forehead to his, "What did I do to deserve someone as awesome as you?"

"I could ask the same question. But, _you_ saved the fucking galaxy… _twice_ , mi amor," he chuckled, "And you're about to do it again."

"Touché," Shepard's brilliant smile filled the dark room like the first sunlight of dawn, "You're gonna stay with me, tonight, right?"

"Seriously, Lola, did you think I'd have it any other way?"

"I'd hope not."

With that, she turned her back to him, pulling his arm over her side as he rolled with her. James held onto her tightly, edging one leg between both of hers and placing a final, lingering kiss on the curve of her neck. Zoe pulled the covers up around them and in no time they were both soundly asleep.


	31. I'm With You

Shepard woke abruptly, gasping and sweating, the tendrils of a haunting dream twisting mercilessly at the back of her vision. She shook her head quickly, trying to force the disturbing images from her mind, but to no avail. James was still holding fast to her waist, and she had to be cautious not to rouse him as she eased her way out of his arms. The commander scooted to the edge of the bed and threw her legs over the side, resting her elbows on her knees, head hung low and hands wringing together anxiously. Behind her, the lieutenant stirred with a yawn and wide stretch.

"Zoe?" when he didn't feel her beside him, he lifted his head to see her bent over in pensive silence, "You okay?"

"Nightmare," she answered flatly.

James scooted over and placed a comforting hand on her back, "Anything you wanna talk about?"

"Not this time. It's hard to explain," Shepard threw a glance towards the clock on the nightstand, "I need to get up anyway… duty calls."

"You were right… this bed is harder than it looks. Hey, you sure you're not up for a morning quicky?" the lieutenant teased, trailing his fingers light and slow up her inky wings.

"Maybe in another life," Zoe sighed, pushing herself up from the bed reluctantly, "I'm gonna take a shower before I get busy… Try to get a few more minutes of shut eye, if you want. I'll wake you when I'm out."

"Or… I could join you."

"James, I—" she started to reject the proposition, but he cut her off before she could begin.

"Zoe, I don't mean what you're thinkin', I swear," he slid off the mattress and stood behind her, running his palms smoothy down her arms, "No sex, not if you don't want to. Just… one more chance for us to be alone, really alone."

Intimacy — that's all he wanted, and she cursed herself for thinking otherwise. Just one more moment to be alone together before the final push; before their fates were sealed, for better or worse. In no time, Joker would be calling to her over the intercom to let her know they were approaching Cerberus Headquarters. If they were lucky, it was only a matter of hours before they brought this thing to a screeching halt. If they were unlucky, and her thoughts and visions from the past few nights had been true, she was about to go down in flames with the Reapers. Yes, she needed this as much as he did, if not more so. Just one more moment to remind herself that she wasn't going to die alone, even if he survived.

Shepard took his hand and led him towards the stairs, "Yeah, that sounds nice."

James noticed the quaver in her voice when she spoke, his heart tugging with an unfamiliar ache. Of all the women in his life, all the girls that came and went through the years, even the ones he'd truly cared about — not one of them had made him feel the things that Shepard did. He leaned his shoulder against the side of the enclosure and watched intently as she pressed the shower control and stepped into the warm stream of water. Zoe tilted her head back and let it rush over her face for a moment, before placing her hands flat against the metallic wall, resting all of her weight on them. She peddled her legs slowly, stretching out her ankles and calves, and rolled her head around to pop her neck.

He wondered if this was her regular morning ritual, or if the stress of the impending mission was finally catching up to her. Shepard was, without a doubt, one of the best at putting up an indestructible front. She very nearly was indestructible, if history was any indication. But Vega knew better than anyone that the woman had a breaking point, and that she was steadily on her way to reaching it. If she could just push past this last leg, if they could just destroy the Reapers and Cerberus once and for all, she wouldn't have to simply convince herself she'd let the past go; she could actually have time to do it, to process what that meant in terms of her mental wellbeing.

Right now, she was too focused on the mission to come to terms with anything she'd claim to have pushed aside and forgiven herself for. As much of a conundrum as she tried to make herself out to be, it hadn't taken him long to figure her out. As he was ruminating on the matter, still staring fixedly at her dripping, tawny form, Zoe righted herself and rolled her shoulders back leisurely. She side-eyed him, making an amused face when she realized he was just standing there leering.

"You gonna do some showering, or are you just gonna stand there and size me up all day?" she pursed her lips, the combination of words and expression bringing that happy memory flooding back to him from many months before.

"Sorry, Commander, you're just not exactly what I expected," James approached her, sliding in behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist.

She laid her head back on his chest and melted into the embrace, delighted to no end that they seemed to be collecting a series of these little intimate inside jokes, "What's throwing you off, Lieutenant?"

"Those curves, for one, hermosa," he whispered into her ear, grazing it with his lips as he spoke.

"That's not what you said," she giggled.

"No, but it's what I was thinking."

James reached out to the automatic soap dispenser and let the contraption squirt a dab of shampoo in his hand. He rubbed the syrupy liquid between his palms and ran it carefully through Zoe's long locks. She turned to face him, as he began to massage her scalp with his fingertips, working the shampoo into a thick lather, the bubbles turning a brilliant shade of pinkish-purple in his hands. She leaned her head into the downpour and let the water wash the suds away, sticking her own hand out for dollop of conditioner, and streaking it through her hair. She drug her fingers through the tangles, yanking hard when she got to a particularly stubborn one, never breaking her gaze from his as she worked. He spotted a bath sponge hanging from a hook nearby and grabbed it, coating it with more soap than was technically necessary.

When she was finished wrestling with her hair, the lieutenant brought the bubbly loofa to her stomach, swirling it around her drenched skin in soft circles. She'd never had someone wash her hair or body before and the sensation it elicited was worlds beyond intimate. James was meticulous, not missing an inch of her, even bending low to scrub her calves and feet. He stood again, and Zoe took the sponge from him, dropping it to the ground. She stepped towards her lover, still covered in a plush blanket of suds, and pressed her body against his, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him in for a rich, sultry kiss. She was about to make a move to let him know she'd changed her mind about his earlier proposition, when a crackling sounded from the overhead intercom.

"Morning, Commander. We'll be approaching Cerberus Headquarters soon," Joker sounded off.

Shepard breathed a frustrated sigh, but put on her best professional voice to respond, "Copy that, Joker. Hang back for a bit, I'll be up there soon. Tell the rest of the squad to meet me at the CIC so we can go over our strategy."

"Should I tell Vega, or do you have that covered?" the pilot tried unsuccessfully to mask the amused tone of his words.

She dropped her arms from James and turned towards the intercom, irritation rising in her voice, "Have you been _spying_ on me, Joker?"

"Not on purpose. I was gonna chime in to let you know our progress last night and I caught a few, uh… questionable noises, so I signed right back out, I swear!" Moreua didn't sound convincing, and Zoe would have made a mental note to give him a good smack to the head later if she wasn't afraid it would break his neck.

"Just… do what I told you to… we're gonna have to get some kind of buzzer or something for that thing so I know when you're about to call up," she shook her head, rubbing at her temples with her fingertips.

"I'll look into it," the pilot ribbed, "Joker out."

"Oh my god… I'm going to murder him one day," Zoe rinsed herself off quickly, stooped to pick up the sponge for James, then stepped out of the shower, wringing the water from her hair as she went, "I'm gonna get ready while you finish up."

"You kiss me like that, in the shower, while you're all soapy and shit," he snorted a laugh, "I'm gonna need more than a sponge to _'finish up'_."

Zoe rolled her eyes, trying to repress the smile and chuckle that sprang to her lips. She grabbed a towel from the bar that hung outside the shower, replacing it with a dry one from the cabinet so he would have his own when he was through. The commander patted herself off as she crossed to her closet to retrieve a set of clean underclothes and the armor she'd stored there the night before, when she'd wanted nothing but to avoid the lieutenant and the shuttle bay. Bending low, she ran the towel over her legs to collect the drips of water running down them, the show receiving a deep, rumbling groan from Vega's direction.

"I take it back. You keep doing that, I ain't even gonna need the sponge," he chuckled.

Damn if James didn't make her feel like the sexiest woman on the planet. That was just one more thing on the list of feelings she was unaccustomed to when it came to him. Mel had always been the sensuous, desirable one in their relationship, and she had always looked at herself as the awkward, vanilla counterpart. She hated to keep contrasting the two, but she really had no other basis of comparison.

It was hard not to, anyway, since it continued to strike her as odd and slightly unsettling every time one of these points came to light. She had always viewed her and Melloria's relationship as the ideal, but the tragedy of her death had blinded Zoe to the flaws that had be present there. She'd created a perfect memory of their time together, in her former lover's honor, where the reality had been starkly discordant.

Shepard had made it most of the way through assembling her armor, when James finally joined her at the bedside, quickly slipping into his pants and boots. She was just about to pull her greaves on when he stepped up in front of her and grasped her shoulders, urging her gently to sit back on the bed. He took the pieces from her hands and knelt down in front of her, sliding them up her calves one at a time, fastening them with expert precision.

"I told you I was gonna help you put your armor on next time," he grinned up at her as he snapped the last closures into place, reaching behind him to grab her gauntlets, and repeating the process on her arms.

She ran her remaining ungloved hand along his damp mohawk, "What would I do without you?"

James took her bare hand, the one that donned the ring he'd given her a few days prior, and placed a soft kiss to her knuckles, before sliding on the remaining fragment of armor, "You'll never get a chance to find out."

"I hope not," Shepard stood, holding a hand out to help him up, "You better go get suited up if you still want to go with me on this one."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, baby," he slid his fingers through her wet, tangled locks, tilting her head back for another profound, abiding kiss.

The commander pulled back, casting a smirk up at him, but he could see the worry eclipsing her eyes, "Get going, soldier."

"We've got this, Zoe… I love you."

"I love you too… now get out of here," she shoved him playfully towards the exit, and he relented, grabbing his shirt and pulling it on as he made his way out.

When the door finally shut behind him, Zoe quickly put her hair up, turning to grab her helmet before leaving. She cast a glance toward the nightstand, meaning to check the time, but she caught a glimpse of something glinting on the lampshade; James had forgotten his dog tags. Shepard plucked them from their place, turning them over in her hands, running her thumb over the raised letters of his name. 'Vega, James A.', it read, and she made a mental note to ask him what the 'A' meant, if she ever got the chance. She looped the chain around her neck, letting it drop down under her chest plate as she made a second note to return them as soon as possible, before taking her leave to join the rest of the crew.

* * *

"What's our status, Joker?" Zoe barged into the cockpit, pumped and ready for the next leg of the fight.

"We've got a foothold but it's not much, Commander," Jeff replied quickly, "Lot of fighters guarding the launch bays."

"Come on, Moreau, I know you can get us in there," she smirked, stepping up beside his chair, propping her elbow up and leaning her hip against the side of it, affecting a sassy tone, "I mean, unless you've lost your touch."

"Please," the pilot sneered, "If I can get us into Ilos, I can get us through this. Might be a bumpy ride though."

Shepard chuckled softly, feeling much less anxious than she had earlier that morning, "Those are the best kind."

EDI stepped up to the commander a moment later, giving her a firm, resolute nod, "I am ready, Shepard."

"What? Oh, hell no! You're not going in there!" Jeff sat up straight, almost leaping out of his seat in panic, "What if they have a virus or a kill-switch or something?!"

"I will be fine, Jeff," the AI assured him, but Zoe could have sworn she saw a glimmer of apprehension in EDI's metallic visage, "They cannot do this without me."

"She's right. Go ahead and get to the shuttle EDI," Shepard waved her away, turning her attention back to Moreau once the robot disappeared out of sight.

"Fifth Fleet's cut through and they're regrouping. Now's as good a time as any," the airman was trying to maintain a cool exterior, but the commander could hear the angry inflection in his tone.

"I know how much it hurts that you can't go with her, Joker—" she began, but he abruptly cut her off.

"No, you _don't_ ," Jeff spat, "You don't have any idea. You have the option of keeping the person you love right next to you whenever you want…"

"That doesn't mean I don't know what it's like to be afraid that I might lose him — that there won't be anything I can do to stop it. Trust me, I know how much it sucks," Shepard gripped his shoulder tightly, "EDI is my friend. I'll protect her at all costs, just like I do every one of my friends. Nothing is going to happen to her, Jeff. I swear my life on it."

"Yeah…" the pilot dropped his head, "Just, don't let her do anything too crazy, okay?"

"Don't worry, I'm the one that pulls the insane stunts around here. You know that."

She tossed him a friendly wink before spinning on her toes and making her way out to the bridge. Shepard dashed towards the elevator, almost colliding with James as she spun around the corner.

"Whoa, slow down there, Lola," he chuckled, as he caught her up by the biceps to steady her, "You look like you feel better than you did earlier."

"I do," she took his hand and led him into the open lift, pressing the button to descend and pulling him in close as the door slid shut, "I'm glad you're going with me. But, I'm kind of worried about Joker. He's not happy with me about letting EDI tag along."

"If that body of hers can withstand what it went through when Eva was controlling it, she'll be fine," James reasoned, lowering his lips to her cheek and grazing them lightly across her soft skin, "Somethin' about the women on this ship. You're all built like brick houses."

Zoe snickered lightheartedly into his ear, "So, you're saying the real estate on the Normandy is pretty good, huh?"

"Sure, but only one of those brick houses feels like home," he purred, sending a pleasurable shiver down her spine as he brought his mouth to hers and closed in on it with a warm, lingering kiss.

Shepard pulled back as the elevator paused its descent and opened into the hangar. She laced her armored fingers into his again and pulled him hastily towards the shuttle. Her excitement was infectious; James could feel his heartbeat quicken, his blood pumping faster and hotter now that she had fully returned to her ambitious, eager self. He brushed past her and stepped into the shuttle, offering his hand to help her up. With a warm smile, she took it, hopping inside and trouncing towards the front to check in with Cortez.

The lieutenant watched her go over their entrance strategy with the pilot, bantering between the professionalism, chuckling and grinning as if they weren't about to go into the biggest battle of their lives. He studied her mannerisms with an acuteness he had never allowed himself out in the open before. That dimple on her cheek that he'd noticed the first day he'd met her — still set deep every time the corner of her mouth turned up. The way she smoothed her vibrant hair down every so often, whether there were loose strands or not. How she threw her head back and her teeth shone brightly when she laughed out loud. Her thick lips pursing when she went into a deep train of thought, then curling into a wicked smirk as Esteban cracked jokes to purposefully break her stoic concentration.

James' mind was still reeling from the night before. It had been like a dream, quite literally. He had woken up from similar visions more than once in his life. But even in a state of being in which anything could happen, it had never been as perfect as the reality had proven to be. The lieutenant was having a hard time grasping the way she had practically begged for him with her body and her brilliant silvery eyes. She had sincerely wanted him, every part of him, with every part of herself. As if she was reading his thoughts, she peered over her shoulder with a sly wink, the cloudy grey of her irises sparkling like diamonds in the overhead lights.

_Dios, those eyes…_

"Ready, Lieutenant?" Zoe sauntered towards James, unholstering her Mattock and checking the thermal clip quickly before turning her gaze back to him as he gave her an affirming nod, "How about a kiss for luck?"

"Happy to oblige, Commander."

Shepard sprung up and wrapped her hand around his neck, yanking him down to her level and sinking her lips into his. Her tongue darted out, urging his mouth to part, swirling gracefully, sensually around his own. The kiss wasn't a long one, but all the same, it left him breathless. Without another word, Zoe stepped away abruptly to join Cortez in the cockpit, and took a seat at the second console. A moment later, the shuttle shot off, and James was forced to sit as well, as the vehicle darted unsteadily through the chaos towards Cerberus Headquarters.

* * *

Bringing EDI along had quickly turned out to be an excellent decision. Not only had she been able to hastily and easily bypass the enemy's attempt to vent the hangar, but she was as ruthless in battle as she ever had been. Zoe and James had offered to include her in their kill count game, but she'd opted to simply keep score for them. However, with as many troopers as the AI was taking out on her own, there weren't many left for the couple to dispose of afterwards. Shepard could swear she saw a hint of desperation in EDI's steely countenance, and the commander knew her robotic friend was more worried about returning safely to her pilot than she was letting on.

They descended from the catwalk, back to the lower level to activate the final console, and a moment after the aircraft crashed into the far wall, another throng of troopers assailed them. Not a minute later, a rumbling sound emerged from the fiery hole in the distance, and much to Zoe's frustration, an Atlas Mech materialized from behind the smoke and ash. James ran up to her, taking cover beside the commander, giving her arm a nudge and pointing her attention to an alcove nearby. Nestled into the recess was an abandoned Atlas, and Shepard's eyes lit up happily, but instead of darting off in its direction she stayed where she was and tossed the lieutenant a wicked grin.

"I think it's your turn, don't you?"

Vega smiled wide, bouncing on his toes anxiously, "What? Seriously?"

"Hell yeah! Go for it, baby," she waved him away, "Have fun."

He shot off like a bullet, calling over his shoulder as he went, "You're the best, Lola!"

James jumped up into the Mech, adrenaline coursing through his veins like the best kind of drug. It only took a moment for the lieutenant to figure out the controls, and it was a good thing, because once the trooper controlling the other machine realized what was happening, he turned his attention solely on Vega. Shepard and EDI took the last few Cerberus brutes down, and the commander dashed around the corner to get a better view of the impending show down. Zoe's heart thudded vigorously, a mixture of fear and excitement welling up inside of her as the two Atlases squared up and stared each other down.

Thankfully, the trooper was smart enough to be aware that if he shot off a missile at such close range, it would take them both out. But, as the two machines began to swing their broad arms at each other, it was obvious the Cerberus officer was severely underestimating the lieutenant's abilities and infuriating recklessness. After a few more bursts of gun fire, James put the Mech in reverse, stepping back and prepping the missile to set it free.

"James!" Shepard shouted, but she knew he couldn't hear her, "What the hell is he thinking?!"

"The lieutenant's chances of surviving an explosion at such close range are minimal," the AI unwelcomely pointed out.

"I'm aware of that, EDI!" Zoe growled angrily, replacing the thermal clip on her rifle and barreling off in the direction of the dueling machines.

She wasn't fast enough, though. A moment later, the lieutenant's Mech set loose a spiraling missile, the glass pane flew up, and Vega leapt down from the cockpit, running towards her as fast as his legs would carry him. They connected just as the missile made contact with the trooper's Atlas, and Shepard shoved James to the side, rolling him forcefully behind a row of crates to shield them both from the debris. When the explosion had died down, Zoe shoved herself up and off of him, tromping vehemently away.

"Shit! That was a close!" the lieutenant stood and shook off with a laugh.

"Fucking… dammit James!" the commander gritted her teeth, biting back the unreasonably mean things she wanted to say, "Don't do shit like that! You're going to give me a goddamn heart attack!"

"Sorry, hermosa," he snickered again and shrugged innocently, "I saw an opening and I took it."

"Mother f — sometimes I think we have _too_ much in common," Zoe rubbed at her temples with an exasperated sigh, "Come on, lets get a move on. And… nice work, Lieutenant."

Vega beamed a cocky smile and fell in step behind her, "Thanks, Commander."

"Oh, don't thank me yet. I'm still going to kick your ass for that later."

"Lookin' forward to it, Lola. You know I like a little pain with my pleasure."

As they passed along the lower levels, the fighting got even rougher. The rebel troopers were deploying turrets and smoke grenades at an alarming rate, and the three comrades were having a difficult time pushing their way through. Somewhere in the midst of the fray, Shepard took a shot to the side, though she'd had no idea which direction it had come from with all the mess that obstructed her sight line. She fought through the searing pain, as she always did, and it wasn't until the last enemy had fallen that James even noticed something was wrong. Zoe let out a loud moan as she hooked her hands onto the ladder and pulled herself up, giving the lieutenant a clear view of the lesion above her hip.

"Zoe, you're hurt!" he called up to her, but could tell she wasn't about to slow down any time soon, "Take it easy. You're gonna make it worse."

"Not now, Jimmy," Shepard grunted, pulling herself up over the edge of the floor and collapsing onto the metal with a weighty exhale.

He climbed up behind her, helping her to her feet, as EDI made her way towards the next locked entry way. Vega pushed her gently towards the wall, forcing her to rest for the moment, as he applied a pack of medi-gel to the wound, taking care not to irritate it further.

"Shepard, that console next to you has not been wiped. It contains information that you may find quite interesting," the AI informed, visibly peaking the commander's curiosity.

She righted herself and brushed past James, tapping away at the console to start up the vids it contained. As the recordings played on, Zoe's face drooped, her jaw set tightly, and her breathing became shaky. When the last log cut out, she dropped her head, clenching her eyes shut and bringing her hands up to cover her face.

"I… didn't realize it was that bad," she whispered, her voice quavering and hesitant, "What if… I'm not even really me. My body was almost totally destroyed. What if I'm just some kind of high tech VI that thinks it's Commander Shepard?"

Vega stepped to her back and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, "Don't think like that, Zoe. The Illusive Man might be a son of a bitch, but he wanted the real you fighting for him."

"And he knew I'd fight for him, regardless of Akuze… that's how he knew recruiting Melloria and sending her for me would break me. He thought I'd still be so hung up on my guilt, so weak to her will, that I'd rejoin him for her," Shepard let out a loud disgusted noise, "And he almost got what he wanted. Jesus, I was so pathetic."

"He used her, the same way he used your friends. But he doesn't have that power anymore. You're stronger than you were then, Zoe. Stronger than when you worked with Cerberus, and stronger than when Melloria came back," James pulled her too his chest and she sank into the embrace, "Don't let what you saw make you doubt yourself, Lola. You're you. You're here, and I'm with you."

"Shepard, we are ready to proceed," EDI interjected, waving them over and opening the door to let them through.

"I love you, Jimmy," Zoe breathed into his chest plate before bounding away without waiting for him to reply.


	32. Light With A Sharpened Edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter begins with a little more sexy, fun time (because who doesn't enjoy the idea of a romp in the shuttle bay with our favorite lieutenant?). A tad bit rougher than the previous foray. *winky wink* So, if you're easily abashed, avert your eyes! :P Also, we're wrapping up the main game this time around! Oh me, oh my, what shall happen from here? I hope you'll stick around to see! :) Another big thank you to everyone: readers, reviewers, and kudos/bookmark givers! You're all amazing for continuing with this and I send you lots of love and virtual hugs!

The assault on the Illusive Man's base had gone as well as could be expected. Through her meetings with Hackett and Anderson, there was not a single hint of the disquiet stirring inside her. But now that they were alone and waiting for the next step Zoe was letting on that she was visibly shaken by the things she'd seen at Cerberus Headquarters. The encounter with the Illusive Man and Kai Ling's subsequent defeat had only added to the turbulence.

They'd taken some time to themselves in the empty shuttle bay to pass the time it would take to reach Earth. James had abandoned his armor for his regular attire, but Shepard remained in her jumpsuit, unable to force herself into anything more comfortable when her thoughts wouldn't trail far enough away from the impending battle that lay just on the other side of the horizon. She sat perched on top of the lieutenant's workbench, her head dropped low, eyes fixed to the ground as he studied her with intense concern.

"I try not to think about it a lot, but after seeing those logs I can't get it out of my head," Zoe took a deep breath in, "Maybe that's why I feel like I'm going to die… because I've already been dead. And maybe that's why I never let myself really live after I came back. I stayed focused on my goals in all of this and forgot that I was a person that needed… trivial things sometimes."

"That makes sense, but at least you finally let go of that a little bit while we were on shore leave," Vega pointed out.

"Yeah, and then I freaked out about it, said horrible things to you… almost did something I really would have regretted," Shepard tossed her head back, rolling her aching neck in a circle.

"It's understandable. Did you ever even do anything like shore leave before you…" he hesitated, unable to force the word from his mouth.

Zoe peered up at him, the mask of worry she'd had since that morning still showing clearly, "No…"

"Well, didn't we do some more living that you didn't regret later?" James quirked an eyebrow at her, a smirk brimming at the corner of his thin lips.

"Okay, you got me there…" she let a light laugh escape, "I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish we had one more chance to do that again before we land this last time. Don't think I worked all my stress out yet."

"We'll have plenty of time after all this is over," the lieutenant ambled towards her, settling in between her legs and wrapping his arms around her waist, "I'm gonna take you back to that apartment and lock you in there for a week, whether you like it or not."

She grinned mischievously, nibbling at her bottom lip in anticipation, when a thought occurred to her, "Hey, EDI. Are James and I alone down here?"

"Yes, Shepard."

"How much longer do we have until we get to Earth?"

"Approximately one hour."

"Can you shut down the lift access to the shuttle bay for, oh, say… twenty minutes?"

"Of course, Commander. Have fun."

James snorted a laugh as the AI signed off and the control on the elevator door flashed red, "You're prepping to go blow the shit out of a bunch of apocalyptic machines, and you wanna have a quicky first?"

"What better time to do it?" she chuckled, "Besides, what if it is our last chance? Carpe diem, am I right?"

"I can see your point," the lieutenant dropped his lips to her neck, nibbling at the soft skin above the collar of her jumpsuit.

"Don't tell me the thought of riding off into battle with me doesn't get your blood pumping," Zoe purred into his ear as her fingers went instinctively to his belt buckle, "Even if it's not, let's do this like it's our last night alive. Cógeme fuerte." (Fuck me hard.)

With those baiting words, James hastily unzipped her suit, shoving it down and trailing ravenous kisses across her shoulder as she shrugged it off her arms before returning to her task at the zipper of his pants. She shimmed the jumper over her rear, hastily kicking it off her legs while he slipped his fingers into the waist band of her underwear, pulling them down her knees, and sending them sliding slowly to the floor. His eyes shifted to her cleavage for a moment, noticing the glint of a necklace, and he stopped his advances to fiddle with the silvery chain.

"I was wondering where these went," he smirked, "Shoulda known you swiped 'em."

"I'll have you know, I did no such thing," Shepard let out a light chuckle, sliding her fingers under the necklace to remove it, but he stopped her before she could.

"No, wait. Leave it on for now," James' grin widened into an impish smile, before lowering his lips to her neck, urging her to continue where they'd left off.

Without hesitation, Zoe reached her hand into the slit of his boxers and snaked her fingers around his shaft, stroking her palm along it a few times before sliding it free. The lieutenant hooked a hand under one of her knees, shifting closer to her and capturing her lips with his again as she guided his length into her entrance. With his unoccupied hand, he reached around her back and skillfully unhooked the clasp of her bra. Shepard yanked it off, discarding it with the rest of her clothes, panting and moaning into his mouth as their pace quickened. He circled his hand back around to her front, grasping her right breast, kneading it gently, as he moved his lips from away from her mouth to the nipple of the opposite mound. She leaned back, bracing herself against the far side of the bench, to allow him easier access to her chest, as she rolled her hips into him, forcing him deeper into her core.

"Faster! _Harder!_ " Zoe gasped, reaching one hand out for the back of his head, willing him to heed her pleas, "Oh god, Jimmy!"

If she wanted it faster and harder, that's what she was going to get. James pulled himself free, and for a moment, that look of disappointment flashed across Shepard's face, the same as it had the night before. But when he tugged her up and spun her around, pushing her down so she was bent over the workbench, Zoe's musical laughter filled the cold air of the bay. The lieutenant gripped her hip with one hand, sweeping the fingers of the other up her glistening slit before gliding swiftly back into her.

Shepard let out a loud cry of pleasure as he began rocking his pelvis back and forth, slow and shallow at first, but deepening and hastening his thrusts as her exhilarated yelps rose in pitch. She clawed at the top of the workbench, her dark nails screeching against the slick surface as he ran his hand up her back, over her wings, and tangled his fingers into her amethyst locks.

" _Pull,_ " Shepard purred, rearing back on him so forcefully that she almost knocked him off balance, "Pull it. Don't be easy."

He happily obliged, yanking her hair by the roots, hard enough to bring her arching backwards. James leaned into her, bringing his teeth to her earlobe, as he held her there and slipped the hand that had been gripping her hip down between her legs, sliding his fingers between her folds to circle the slippery, swollen nub at her center with expert artistry. Zoe bucked against his pelvis, her breath escaping in ragged gasps of ecstasy as her climax quickly advanced on her. She pitched forward, throwing her hands out in front of her to catch herself as she ground back against him, trembling with the sweet flood of release.

The lieutenant hoisted her up gently, turning her around to face him and hooking his hands below her ass to lift her off the ground. Intuitively, she wrapped her legs around his waist, as he eased her back against the crates that lined the alcove, diving back into her depths as he crashed his lips to hers once more. Their tongues found each other, soft and hot and hesitant from lack of breath. Shepard broke away abruptly to catch his eyes, her brow drawn tight from the strain of lust.

"I love you, James," she whispered, her raw, supple lips quivering as intensely as the rest of her body.

"I love you too, Zoe," James kept his gaze trained on her face as he spoke, "Eres mi todo." (You are my everything.)

"Ah! _Jimmy!_ " she slung her head back, digging her nails into the flesh of his neck as he drove into her, sending her careening over the edge, into another mind bending rush of satisfaction.

The lieutenant hunched forward, burying his face in her collar bone, as his own orgasm shot through him like a bolt of white-hot lightening. The cacophony of the heat, the closeness, and her intoxicating aroma sent his head spinning as she clung to him, desperation and finality radiating from her very aura. He didn't want to let her go, to let this end — the compulsion running much deeper than just this single moment — knowing all too well that their twenty minutes were hastily drawing to a close.

Shepard's legs fell limp at his sides, as she dropped her head to his shoulder, and James released her knees carefully, keeping a firm hold on her hips, lest she fall into a puddle at his feet. She stepped into him, pulling her arms in front of her and gripping onto his t-shirt, as he wrapped her into a tight embrace. He hid his face in her hair and breathed in as deeply as he could, tattooing the memory of the moment into his mind, the silence that surrounded them ripe with everything they wanted to say but didn't have the strength to voice out loud.

A few moments later, the AI's voice cut into the silence, "Commander, it has been twenty minutes."

Zoe cleared her throat and pulled back slightly, "Okay, EDI, just... five more minutes, please."

"Yes, ma'am."

James gazed down at her, his eyes shining with the barest hint of moisture, "No matter what happens, I'm always gonna love you, Zoe. You'll always be the only one."

"Ditto, Jimmy," Shepard smiled, bringing her hands to his face and running her thumb over the rough scar he'd just recently acquired, catching a single tear in the motion as it tumbled from his eye, "You're the best thing that ever happened to me, I hope you know that."

"Ditto, Lola," he dropped one final kiss to her lips, before adjusting himself and turning to retrieve her clothes, "Come on, let's get you dressed before everybody comes crashing in here at once. Unless you wanna go fight the Reapers like that. I mean, you are _'drop-dead'_ gorgeous, so…"

"Yeah, that would make a _great_ headline," Zoe sputtered a laugh, tugging her jumpsuit from his grasp and affecting her best on-air personality impression, "If Looks Could Kill: Drop-Dead Gorgeous _Nude_ Commander Shepard Leaves Reapers Dropping Dead All Across Earth — More at eleven. Back to you, Jimmy!"

The pair doubled over in laughter, and Shepard had to struggle through the convulsions to put herself back together. She tripped over the leg of her suit, pitching forward into the lieutenant's arms, still wracked with giddy spasms as he pulled her to and helped her set her balance. She took in a few deep breaths, attempting to regain her composure as she blinked the moisture from her eyes.

"Shit, Lola," James ran a hand over his aching jaw, "I haven't laughed that hard in a while. That was good, you sounded just like that al-Jilani chick."

When she'd finally collected herself enough to finish dressing, Zoe stepped back up to him and circled his neck with her arms, pushing herself up on her tiptoes for another lingering kiss. Not a minute later, James' eyes darted up just in time to catch the elevator's control flash back to green and he was hit with the heart-wrenching realization that their last moment alone before the end was over.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted," he sighed, pulling away from her to lead her towards the lockers.

"Yeah, that was more than fun," Shepard giggled as she smoothed her hair back and swept it into her standard bun, "Glad we got that out of our systems. I thought I'd be spent, but I'm more amped than ever. I feel so… loose now."

James let out another raucous chuckle, "Baby, your body may be loose, but there ain't nothin' loose about your—"

"Hey there, lovebirds," Cortez traipsed out of the elevator, a wide grin spread across his face, "You two have fun?"

Zoe's eyes shot wide, a blush immediately flaring across her cheeks, "Wha—we were just talking."

"Uh huh. And a heartfelt talk was cause to lock down the entire hangar?" the pilot raised an eyebrow in amusement, "No skin off my back. But next time, maybe take it to one of the observation decks, so you don't hold up the shuttle prep."

"Sorry, Esteban," James smirked, as he pulled his armor from the locker and slammed the door shut, "You never keep 'em waitin' when they're in need."

Shepard reared her hand back and smacked the lieutenant hard on the shoulder, "Jimmy! Geez!"

"What? He already knows!"

Steve laughed out loud, turning to approach the shuttle, "Damn, it's great when you guys are actually getting along. Anyway, Garrus is on his way down, too. The rest of the squad will be deployed separately."

"Hey, Esteban, you think we can get twenty more minutes?" James called to his friend's retreating form, rewarded with a death glare from the commander as she jerked her armor out of the cubby.

"Sorry, Mr. Vega, duty calls," Cortez shot back, "And please don't get any ideas while you're on board. No one wants to see that, except maybe Joker. I heard he got an earful last night."

"Yeah, yeah," Vega mumbled, pulling on the last pieces of his armor and waiting patiently as Zoe finished.

"I have to go check in with Joker, and give the order to advance," Shepard cast an upward glance at James, "Come with me?"

"Yeah, of course," no way the lieutenant was going to pass up the chance to watch her do her magic, "I'm right behind you, Lola."

"Good," she smirked, yanking on her last glove, and taking his hand to pull him hastily towards the elevator, "Come on, mi amor, we've got some Reapers to annihilate."

* * *

Shepard stepped into the cockpit, her head held high, and James trailing close behind. It was more than a little unorthodox for him to be present while she gave the word to strike. But even though she had tried to hide it when she'd requested his presence, he could easily glimpse the distress in her eyes. Moreau looked considerably nervous himself, as he tapped the screens in front of him, fiddling with his hat every now and then, his eyes shifting quickly from one new burst of information to another.

"How's it going up here, Joker?" Zoe approached the pilot's chair and placed a hand on Jeff's shoulder to steady his anxiety.

He relaxed at the touch, clearing his throat before replying, "Thirty seconds to the Sol Relay, Commander."

She nodded stiffly and took a step back, throwing a glance over her shoulder to James. He could read on her face that she wanted him closer, so he closed the gap between them and circled her waist with one arm. Shepard's body was rigid with apprehension, the color drained from her face, her eyes narrowed on the window in front of them. A moment later, they shot through the relay and in no time they were smack dab in the middle of the Sol System, smack dab in the middle of a maelstrom of destruction.

Through the large panes of glass, James could clearly glance Earth in all her desolate glory. The planet he called home looked eerily like Palaven had so many months before, dotted with red rings of fire and blackened craters, and the lieutenant felt his heart plummet to the floor at the sight of it. Would he ever see the ocean again, or play in the waves with his cousins like he did when he was a teenager? Would he ever get to take Zoe to see the places he'd grown up, the old haunts that he and his friends had frequented in the simpler days? Were those places even left standing now? And what of his uncle? At least he was safe, that much James could hold onto, and he thanked her again internally for blessing him with that small peace of mind.

"All troops reporting in, Commander," Joker's voice broke sharply through Vega's thoughts, "Just waiting on your word."

"This is it, everyone," Shepard's tone was firm and resilient as she spoke into the com line, "Give them all you've got. They haven't shown us any mercy, let's return the favor… _Fire!_ "

She sank back against James' chest as the sky around the Normandy lit up like thousands of fireworks exploding at once. Ships from every race zoomed around them and each time a friendly vessel was struck down in the distance, the lieutenant felt his commander flinch in his arms. James knew it was destroying her to watch so many be taken out so quickly, just for her team to have a clear path to proceed. Shepard's breathing was becoming shallow and uneven as she stared out into the squall, and he instinctively tightened his grip around her, placing a kiss to the side of her head.

Zoe turned to him, throwing her arms around his neck and burying her face underneath his chin. It was obvious, in that moment, that she had yet to let go of her earlier trepidations. She was still convinced she was going to perish at the end of this. The commander didn't even have to breath a word for James to know what she was thinking.

"Breaking off," Joker called back to them, "Preparing for descent."

A short moment later, she pulled back, gazing up at him, her eyes glinting with the first hint of tears, "We need to get to the shuttle."

"I'm right behind you, Lola," Vega brought a hand up to caress her cheek, "Always will be."

"I know Jimmy," Zoe hopped up onto her tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss, before turning back to Joker, "Later, Moreau. It's rough out there. Try not to wreck my baby, okay?"

Jeff dropped his head forlornly, before turning and pushing up out of his seat to stand at attention with a firm salute, "Be careful out there, Commander."

"Enough with the Commander bullshit, Moreau," Shepard trudged towards the pilot and wrapped her arms around him, "You be careful too, Jeff. Stay focused."

"It's…" Joker hesitated, his voice quavering as he returned the embrace, "It's been an honor, Zoe."

"Same here," she stepped back and clasped her hands on his shoulders, a cheeky grin spreading across her face, "I should have told you this a long time ago, but... you're like the brother I never wanted. I love you, Joker."

She didn't wait for him to answer, but instead turned and darted off towards the bridge. Zoe had never liked goodbyes, and it was clear that she didn't need affirmation that her feelings were returned. She loved every one of them from the bottom of her heart, and she simply wanted them to know, whether they felt the same or not. The commander had lost too many already without ever having a chance to allow herself to speak freely, but since James had broken her out of that suffocating shell, all she wanted to do was voice those words to each one of them individually. She wouldn't have the time now, though, and it hurt her heart in ways she could never express.

_At least Jeff knows… and James…_

* * *

As the shuttle approached the landing zone, Shepard could see Vega attempt to swallow down his anxiety. He'd been pacing the whole ride down, getting more nervous as the seconds ticked on. She'd been too busy keeping eyes on the consoles and transmissions to pay him much attention, and she felt guilty about it, but her own tensity was so close to its boiling point that there wasn't much she would have been able to do for him anyway.

The way his face twisted and his brow tightened when he saw the ruined landscape bellow them threatened to break her heart to pieces. James loved his home planet, she knew, had a wealth of fondness for it that Zoe could never comprehend. Earth had been nothing to her except a place full of bad memories. Space was her real utopia, but although she wasn't as wracked with grief as the lieutenant plainly was, she was full of pity for him having to see it in such a dire state.

"Doesn't look much like home anymore," Vega sighed as he scanned the projection of the wasteland with sorrowful eyes, "Dammit… I just wish we could have gotten here sooner."

"We did all we could, Jimmy," Shepard stepped up beside him finally, "We'll fix this, one way or another."

Without warning, the shuttle jolted aggressively, as an explosion sounded in the distance, and Cortez swore loudly. Zoe tromped into the cockpit, scanning over the transmissions with narrowed eyes.

"What happened?"

Steve let out a weighty breath, "They just took out the squad responsible for disabling the defense turret. No one else is in the vicinity."

"We are. Drop us off, Steve," the commander stepped back towards her comrades, "Change of plans, guys. We have to take out that Hades Cannon ourselves."

"And just how to you suppose we do that?" Garrus quizzed skeptically.

"The other shuttle will have heavy weapons. We need to get to it, retrieve them as quickly as possible. This isn't going to be easy," a grin tugged at the corner of her dark lips, "But it will probably be fun."

"Dibs on the big gun!" James called out, letting his nerves melt away a bit for the time being.

"Like hell!" Zoe chuckled, "That thing is _all mine_ , Vega."

"Regardless, I'm still kicking both of your asses this round," Garrus ribbed, "When I'm done, you'll both be buying me drinks until I can't walk straight."

"We'll see about that, Vakarian," Shepard unholstered her Mattock and threw it over her shoulder, cocking her head back sassily, "If _I_ win, you're both buying me a weekend getaway to a beach somewhere. With a spa. And couples massages."

"If you take down the Reapers, I'll drain my bank account and buy you your own private island, Shepard," the turian sauntered towards her with a wicked gleam in his eye, "Let's give 'em hell kid."

"Just like old times."

Moments later, the shuttle descended, hitting the ground roughly to discharge Shepard and her squad. As soon as the door lifted in front of them, they were charged by a mob of snarling fiends. Zoe and James focused on the leaders, as Garrus made quick work of the monsters further back. It was a tight match between the squad mates, but Shepard was quickly coming out on top, employing her biotics more than Vega had ever seen her do before. It was a fascinating sight, and it was hard not to get distracted when she first began shooting them off.

If she'd been powerful before, she was positively devastating now. Zoe relied on her biotics so infrequently that she almost forgot how good it felt to harness that kind of energy. As she blasted through the Reaper ranks with powerful shockwaves, her confidence soared to new heights. Maybe they would make it through this after all; maybe she would make it safely to the other side and come out stronger, just like James had said.

As they made their way up the crumbling ruins even more enemy forces flooded in, but when Shepard caught sight of the brutes that tromped towards them, she shoved back her instinct to charge at them headfirst. Living was worth it now, and she'd be damned if they got the upper hand on her this time because she couldn't control her lust for danger. Zoe kept a safe distance, as she focused every ounce of her firepower and internal energy on the snarling behemoths, leaving the smaller creatures scattered about to her teammates.

When the last monster fell, Cortez's voice shouted in over the com line, "You've got airborne hostiles inbound, Commander. I'm gonna try to keep 'em off you."

"Be careful, Steve!" Shepard ordered in reply, dashing up the incline towards higher ground.

"Dammit!" the pilot swore loudly, as a loud roar permeated the atmosphere.

Zoe spun in place, her eyes shooting wide in horror while she watched a lone harvester sail towards the shuttle and knock it off kilter. The sky car shook and Steve cursed louder, as it spiraled out of control and went careening out of Shepard's line of sight.

"Steve!" she yelled into the intercom, "Are you okay? Steve, do you read me?"

There was only silence on the other end.

"Mierda!" James dropped his head and ran his armored hand through his mohawk, "He's gone isn't he?"

"We don't know that for sure," Zoe shook her head rapidly, "Don't let it wreck you, Jimmy. The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can find out what happened to him. Come on guys, let's get this over with."

* * *

The first push through had been more than they'd ever bargained for. Losing contact Cortez near the beginning had thrown Vega for a loop and he was already showing obvious signs of mental fatigue from the event. They had made it to the base, but were still in for one final advance, to enter the Catalyst and hopefully, finally put a stop to the mass havoc the Reapers were wreaking all around them. Zoe was making her way along the ruined streets, taking a head count and sizing up the condition of her crew members. Most of them were doing well, considering their situation, but as she approached James, she could easily tell that he was not on his game.

"Hey, Jimmy," Shepard smiled as she neared him, a light in her eyes that would have been contagious if the lieutenant's mind hadn't been such a jumble of emotions.

He turned to her slowly, his face drained of color, and his tone heavy with apprehension, "Hey, Commander."

"What, no 'Lola'?" the commander hoped a little shameless flirting might bring him out of his dreary state.

Vega gave a short, half-hearted chuckle and shrugged, "Yeah, sorry…"

"This is probably a stupid question but… are you okay?" she took a few steps closer, searching his face with concern in her eyes.

"I don't know what I thought I'd feel coming back to Earth. I was ready to fight, ready to die if I had to. But seeing everything like this…" the lieutenant scanned the wreckage around them, a pallid gloom cutting through his features.

Shepard turned her gaze towards the bright aqua beam of light in the distance, trying unsuccessfully to forget they were trapped in a crippled wasteland, "I know it's hard to see, but this is only temporary. First, we need to win this thing. Stay focused. Don't let them take your will to fight."

When she turned back to him, Zoe could see her words had done little good to lift his spirits, but he was trying with all his might to put on an unwavering facade, "I know, I know. You're right. I just wish… Esteban, man, of all the people we could have… I've lost a lot of men on the field, but that one…"

"We still aren't sure what happened, but... Steve was an amazing man. If we did lose him, he won't be forgotten, not if we have anything to say about it," she assured him, stepping close and laying a comforting hand on his arm.

"Yeah, you got that right," he took a deep breath in, fighting off the sadness and regret that raged inside him, "So, I guess this is it, no? One more push… one last fight."

"Now you're starting to sound like me… it's not necessarily our last. It doesn't have to end like that," she reminded him of his own words.

He forced a smile, bringing his hand to his forehead in a salute, "It's been an honor serving with you, Commander."

Zoe held out her hand and he took it, giving it a firm, steady shake, "You're an amazing man, and a terrific soldier. Whatever happens out there today, I know you're going to make me proud, Jimmy."

"That means a lot to me, Zoe," he tugged her towards him, wrapping her in his arms and burying his face in her hair, "Good luck out there, Lola. I love you… please be careful."

"I love you too, James. And I will, I promise," Shepard brought her hands up to his face, urging him to look at her, "You are my everything. I couldn't have done this without you."

With that, they shared one final, fervent kiss, before she released him and went on her way to finish her rounds. The sentimental embrace, and her quick departure thereafter, caused a knot to rise in James' throat. It was the first time through this whole ordeal he'd been genuinely afraid he was going to lose her. After seeing Cortez go down, it felt as if none of them were immune anymore, not even this resilient, unyielding tigress that he so fiercely cherished. He'd done so much to persuade her that she wasn't done for, but now he was having an impossible time trying to convince himself of the same thing.

He was trying not to think of what would become of him if Shepard was right in her earlier premonitions — the shell of a man who would undoubtedly forget what he'd started fighting for without her there to remind him. She seemed strangely calm and self-assured compared to how she had behaved the day before. How did she do it? How did she manage to collect herself and cover herself in such resolute semblance when the world they'd both grown up in was literally crumbling at their feet? Whatever it was that gave her that strength, that steadfast courage, James loved her all the more for it, if that was even possible.

A short while later, Shepard gathered the group together to give her final pep talk. No surprise, it was powerful, heartening, humble and hopeful. When it was time for her to assemble her crew, she scanned the group with thoughtful eyes, lingering for a moment on the lieutenant, who gave her an affirming nod.

"Alright, time to head out. Ashley…" Zoe's eyes passed over him this time, and he felt an nervous tightening in his chest, "Garrus, you two are with me in the final leg. Give it your all out there, no holding back."

The LC saluted her stiffly, "Aye, aye ma'am."

"If we go down, we go in a blaze of glory," Garrus pulled his gun from its holster, obviously pleased to finish this ordeal by his old friend's side.

James stayed silent, anger brimming to the surface. She'd promised him! And now, she was going back on her word. He wasn't about to let this go easily. He waited, impatient and anxious, as the others cleared the area, keeping a close watch on the commander, who was consciously avoiding his leering eyes. When she was about to take her leave, he pulled her aside, a little more forcefully than he'd intended.

"What gives, Shepard?" he seethed, through clenched teeth.

"It has to be this way, James. I'm sorry," she shook her head, anchored and sure in her decision.

" _Bullshit_ , Zoe! You promise me!" the lieutenant held fast to her forearm, refusing to let her move any further until she gave him an explanation.

"Listen to me, Lieutenant!" Zoe brought her face close to his, her eyes aflame with purpose, "If I don't make it through this, _someone_ is going to have to step up for Earth. The Normandy needs a leader and humanity can afford to lose one of us, but not both. You understand me?"

He released her hesitantly, comprehending the implications of her words, but wary of accepting them, "Yes, ma'am."

"This may be it for us, and if it is, I don't want to leave you resenting me. _Please_ tell me you really understand," the commander's tone was desperate, the look on her face transitioning from ferocious to fearful, " _I love you,_ with every ounce of my soul. And I want you out there with me more than I can express, but it would be selfish to put you in that kind of danger when there's a chance you could help build a better world after all this is over. _Please_ don't hate me for this."

"I don't… There's nothing you could do to—" he began to repeat what he'd told her the previous day.

"I know, Jimmy. Now, come here and give me one more kiss for luck," Shepard crushed her lips to his, their armor clanging together with a resounding thrum.

Zoe clung to the back of his neck with one hand, with such force that she practically lifted herself off the ground. She broke away and pressed her forehead to his for a moment, searching his eyes without breathing a word. A second later, she was off, bounding towards the exit without even saying goodbye. It was better that way, he decided. Goodbyes were for endings, and this was only the last page of a chapter in a book that was far, far from over.

* * *

Shepard stood in the middle of the long walkway, slumped and bloodied, her vision obstructed by a thick crimson haze. On her right glowed a brilliant azure beam, on her left, its ruby twin. At the center of the expanse the two lights merged and twisted together as a singular essence; vivid purple and green — blinding, swimming, pulsing, relentless.

_'I'm proud of you, Shepard…' I'm proud of you too, David… The only father I ever knew…_

A choice. She had a choice to make, and fast. Behind her, the Catalyst shimmered dimly and Shepard thought she heard it speak, but whatever the thing was saying was being drowned out by the deafening heartbeat thrum in her ears and her own chaotic thoughts. After everything, after all their efforts to turn the tides, she had been right. This was the end, no matter which of these roads she decided to go down.

_James… I'm sorry..._

The blue aura held control. The red held destruction. And the green… whatever was there, it wasn't a solution Zoe wanted to consider at all. Melding with the likes of the Reapers wasn't an option. Controlling them may only work for so long. Leviathan was still out there, after all. If it got a hold of them, of whatever was left of her, and bent them to its will…

_'There is only the Harvest.'_

Besides, that had been what the Illusive Man, the indoctrinated bane of her existence, had wanted all along. No. This was going to end. Shepard drug herself, ever so slowly, towards the ruby luminescence. Her breathing was shallow, and she could taste the blood as it crept through her throat, coating her tongue until she thought she might gag. The commander knew now, even if she chose nothing, chose to live, she wasn't going to survive this. Her wounds were too numerous, too deep. Countless others had died already. Countless more were falling from the sky at that very moment. She wouldn't be the exception this time around.

_'All inorganic life will be destroyed.' The geth… EDI! Broken promises… Jeff, my brother, please forgive me._

Zoe's heart seized up and a single, hot tear trickled down her cheek. A violent explosion boomed above her head, uncomfortably close to the Citadel, causing her to jump in alarm. Her legs buckled underneath her, and she went tumbling to the ground, landing with a hard smack against the icy metallic surface.

_'No matter what happens… You'll always be the only one.'_

She pushed herself onto her hands and knees, gripping her pistol tightly as she crawled up the ramp towards her fate. Shepard sputtered a cough, a lump of coagulated blood splattering onto the silvery pathway in front of her. She took in two deep, quavering breaths and continued on, her arms wobbling under the pressure of her tense shoulders.

_'If this is how I die, I have died a fulfilled man, having fought by your side one final time.'_

Struggling against the pain, she forced herself to her feet as she neared the beacon. The gun shook as she lifted it, the weight of it intensified by the agony seeping through her. Mentally, physically, her body was wracked with soul crushing anguish.

_'Had to be me… Someone else might have gotten it wrong…'_

One shot — two, three… five. Ten shots. The gears whirred and sparked as the device vibrated angrily before finally clenching up and shutting down for good. A harsh buzzing sound filled the atmosphere, dancing in her ears as the pillar in front of her began to rattle again. There was a flash of light, a burst of fiery heat, and an instant later she was thrown wildly away, the back of her head impacting on the steely catwalk with a sickening crack. Shepard's platinum eyes rolled upwards, searching the heavens above her, begging for a way out of this, pleading for a way home.

_'Does this unit have a soul?'_

The ground rumbled below her, creaking and groaning as the walkway shifted aggressively. The sky fell away rapidly as the beam descended, carrying her with it, and for a moment she felt as if she were flying. The momentum of the fall lifted her up just slightly, as the wind whipped through her tousled hair. She smiled. She laughed. She let the tears fall freely from her eyes as she watched the Reapers trickle from the sky like blackened raindrops.

_'If this thing goes sideways, meet me at the bar…' — I'll be there waiting, old friend… hopefully it will be a long wait…_

Shepard impacted roughly with the beam as it landed, her vision spinning in a blur of stars, smoke, and debris. She heard the groan escape her lips, but it felt detached, as if she had already left her body, her soul ascending prematurely, desperate to escape its earthy cage. The commander clung to herself, willing the last essence of life to remain stationary just a little while longer. They would come for her… he would come for her. It didn't have to end like this.

_I'm so sorry, Jimmy… I didn't want to leave you. I love you. I love you._

With one last gasping breath, and the image of his face marked stark against the velvety abyss, Zoe's eyes fluttered shut as the world around her went silent and black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END! ...no, I'm totally kidding. :P
> 
> I hope you had tissues with you... I know I needed them when I wrote that last bit, and just about every time I reread it while editing. This chapter is named after a song by The Used. It seemed appropriate for the ending sequence. Hope you enjoyed this wrap up! Stay tuned for the aftermath! And as always, have a lovely day!


	33. The Ghost Of You

Joker had managed to land the ship on a strangely habitable planet inside the Sol system, though they weren't entirely sure where they had ended up. As it turned out, they hadn't lost Cortez after all, and the Normandy had only suffered surprisingly light damage, but for some reason EDI was offline. Her body had fallen limp in the chair beside Joker's and the young airman was panicking, doing everything he could think of to bring her back online. Elsewhere, in the ship, a vehement voice was echoing through the metallic chambers, fraught with grief and indignation.

"What the hell do you mean, she _'most likely'_ didn't make it? You haven't even tried to look for her!" James slammed a fist down on the com panel, spitting the words at Admiral Hackett's shimmering blue form, "She could be out there, hurt, _dying_ and you're just gonna let her go?! After everything she's done for you ungrateful, pompous fucking pricks?!"

" _Watch your tone, Lieutenant._ I understand you're upset, but this is no time to lose your head. We've suffered great losses, Shepard and Anderson among the most dire of them all, but we've also achieved a substantial victory. Both the commander and the admiral would want us to be celebrating, not wallowing in our grief or saying things to superior officers that we might regret," the holographic man narrowed his hazy eyes at Vega, "Your actions in past battles, as well as in this war, under Shepard's command, have been beyond commendable. If you keep your head on straight through this, there might be a promotion in it for you. I understand you've been nominated for the N7 program. We're prepared to fast track you through it in order to get you your own command as soon as possible. We have all agreed that you'd be the perfect candidate to take over the Normandy. Lieutenant-Commander Williams is the one who brought your name up, and knowing how much Shepard admired you, I think she'd be more than happy with that as an epilogue to her legacy. Don't you?"

The lieutenant was seething now; of course, Zoe would have been ecstatic to see him live his dream, but at the same time, taking this offer meant foregoing any hope he might have had of finding her — whatever might be left of her, if that was the case. He stayed silent for a long moment, considering the options in front of him. If she was dead, she wouldn't want him to see her that way, would want him to remember her as she was, instead of his last memory being her broken, lifeless body. On the other hand, if Shepard was alive out there, slowly wasting away… she still wouldn't want him to look for her, not with this once in a lifetime opportunity being thrust at his feet. But, James knew he couldn't just leave her out there. To hell with what she'd want; he needed closure and he'd have it regardless of what he had to do to get it.

"If it will ease your mind, Lieutenant, I'll send a squad to scout for her body," Hackett continued, "It's a long shot, but if that's what it takes to get you to accept my offer, so be it. You're a Spectre, so of course, you're free to do as you wish. But a one-man search and rescue team can't cover as much ground as a fleet of soldiers. Our chances of finding her alive are better this way."

"It wouldn't be a _'one man'_ search party. The whole crew'll help me find her."

"True, but if you pass up this chance, it won't be presented to you again. You'll remain a lieutenant, and we'll be forced to hand command of the Normandy off to someone else."

James let out a deep, growling sigh, "Fine. Have it your way. I'll take command, but as far as the program goes… I don't even know anymore."

"The two go hand in hand, Vega. It would be a shame to let the opportunity go to waste. What do you think Shepard would advise?" he obviously knew by now where to hit the lieutenant where it hurt, "I'll give you a day or two to consider what I'm offering you. Get with me when you've made your decision. Hackett out."

Liara rushed in just as the admiral dissipated into nothingness, her face stricken with grief even deeper than what he'd seen on it when she had heard the news about Shepard, "We've lost EDI, too, James! She won't come back online!"

"What the hell?" he followed the doctor as she sprinted out of the room towards the cockpit, at lightening speed.

What they found when they arrived was beyond heartbreaking. Joker was kneeling beside EDI's seat, clinging to her limp, silvery hand, sobs breaking freely from deep in his chest.

"What the hell happened? Joker?" he knelt down beside the distraught pilot, searching the lifeless AI for any signs of residual energy.

"We received a transmission from the Alliance, stating that all inorganic life had been deactivated when the Catalyst was triggered. It appears EDI was included in the fallout," Liara was trying hard to keep herself composed and professional, but her voice was breaking like a shattered mirror.

"I thought she was just offline. I thought she'd come back to me," Joker choked through shaking sobs, "Please, come back to me… _Please…_ "

" _Mierda!!_ " James shot up, spinning on his heels and stomping away, shoving his fist into the doorframe, "This wasn't supposed to happen. We were all supposed to come out of this. All of us!"

"We just got word that a good deal of the citizens on the Citadel survived!" Samantha burst into the room with the news, oblivious at first to what had transpired there, but once she caught a glimpse of the scene, her eyes shot wide in horror, "Oh my god, _EDI!_ "

"She's gone. She's not coming back online. She's never coming back," Joker was heaving, beginning to hyperventilate in distress.

"We need to get him to Dr. Chakwas. He's going into shock," the asari insisted, shooting a pleading look at the only one in the place strong enough to hoist Moreau off the ground.

The lieutenant gave an understanding nod and dropped back down, collecting himself long enough to snake an arm around Joker's torso and force him to his feet. Vega drug the pilot out of the cockpit, struggling with the distraught, flailing man the whole way.

"Calm down, or you're gonna do more than sprain your fuckin' pancreas!" James demanded and a second later, Jeff fell limp in his grasp, allowing himself to be pulled along, soft wailing still emanating from him consistently, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry this happened to you, man. I know how you feel right now, believe me. I'm going through it too, but you have to pull yourself together. She wouldn't have wanted you to just lay down and die with her, would she?"

"No," Moreau sputtered through another breathless gasp, "But what am I gonna do without her? She was my best friend, my everything. She was the only thing that kept me on my feet… I can't… how am I gonna live without her?"

The lieutenant let go of him, lowering his friend gently to the floor and stooping to his level, grasping hold of his face to force Jeff to meet his gaze, "Listen to me, Joker. EDI loved you. She knew how strong you are. You've gotta keep being strong for _her_ , okay? There may not be a way to bring her back, but you're not dead yet. You gotta snap out of it, man. Live for her, so the rest of the world knows what an amazing thing you had, you got me? You understand?"

Joker's features were twisted with anguish, but he nodded solemnly, sniffing back a final sob as he wiped at his face with the back of his arm, "Yeah… yeah, you're right."

"Now, I want you to get your ass up and go see the doc, okay? I'll take care of things in there. Liara, come here, make sure Joker gets to Chakwas," he took hold of the pilot's shoulder, giving him a gentle shake, "You're gonna make it through this. I got your back, brother."

"Thanks, man," tears were still freely streaming from the young airman's face, but he was slowly stepping back from the brink, "I'm sorry… about Shepard. She was—"

James stopped him short, "Not now, Joker. Just… worry about yourself right now."

Liara stepped forward and took hold of Jeff's trembling arm, leading him away from the heartbreaking scene, as the lieutenant turned back into the cockpit, where Traynor was now kneeling beside EDI in a similar fashion as Joker had just been. She let out soft sniffles, her hands clasped over the AI's, running her thumbs across the smooth metallic surface.

"Don't tell me I'm gonna have to carry you out, too," Vega groaned — this was all beginning to be too much to handle at once.

"No… I'm fine…" the woman stood, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand, "We just… lost so much today."

"Most of us made it out, we should consider ourselves lucky to still be standing," he turned away from her, his voice coming out rough and unfamiliar — but sounding eerily like something the commander might have said in a similar predicament.

"How can you say that? After you and Joker both just lost the women you love?" Samantha's despair quickly turned to anger at his thoughtless words.

"Don't start with me right now, Traynor," he kept his tone even as he reached for EDI's inoperative body, picking her up carefully to carry her away, though he wasn't quite sure where he was going to take her.

"You sounded just like her, right then, you know. Cold, distant…" Samantha said to his back as he walked off, "The way she sounded before she let herself fall in love with you, anyway…"

James pretended to ignore her, keeping a steady pace towards anywhere that wasn't right there, but her words cut through him like a dagger to the heart. He toted the AI's frozen form to the only place he was sure would be uninhabited — Shepard's cabin. He knew, when he passed through the doorway, that it had been a mistake. Zoe's aroma still lingered in the atmosphere, humidity clinging to the air from the shower they'd shared just hours before. Vega placed EDI gently down on the bed, and stood there for a moment, staring down at her with unfocused eyes. It wasn't right; after everything that Joker had done for them, for the world, he didn't deserve this.

His thoughts drifted to the place he'd been desperately trying to avoid. EDI was gone, but Shepard might still be out there. Hackett had made a promise… but so had she. She'd sworn to keep him by her side until the very end. That, however, was how military types worked, as the lieutenant well knew; put a pacifying idea in your soldier's heads and you can convince them of anything, get them to follow you into any danger, agree to whatever, no matter the consequence. He turned away from the depressing image in front of him, and stepped directly into an even more devastating scene.

Zoe's clothes from the night before were still scattered haphazardly across the floor. He picked up her rumpled shirt and lifted it to his face, breathing in the scent of her that still clung to the fabric. James clenched the garment to his chest, as he approached the stairs, stepping up into her office area. The desk was still peppered with the data pads she'd spent hours upon hours pouring over. In the corner, next to her computer, sat a frame that displayed the picture the crew had taken together on the night of their epic party. James picked up the photo with a trembling hand, his eyes fixating on the couple positioned in the middle of the couch.

They sat so close, she was practically in his lap, one leg thrown over his knees, and a wide smile spread across her glowing face. Her hair, silky and vibrant, hung wildly down her back, cascading over the shoulder that was furthest from the camera. She was looking at him with eyes squinted from laughter, an expression on her face that exuded pure happiness and devotion. His own face was tilted toward hers, grinning and smug as ever, an arm half-encircling her waist, in the processes of pulling her closer. What had been so funny that Glyph had managed to catch her in the throws of giddy amusement? Such a rare, cherished sight — one he might never cast his eyes upon again.

* * *

"They've been searching for days. There's no where else to look," Garrus steepled his hands together in front of him, leaning his elbows against the cool steel table, "I don't want to let it go anymore than you do, but soon you're going to have to start facing the facts, Lieutenant."

"You've got a huge opportunity staring you in the face, Vega," Ashley chimed in, her tone pointed and meaningful, "Shepard would have wanted you to take this and run with it."

"It doesn't even make sense, Ash," James rubbed his face hard with the palms of his hands, "You're the LC, why aren't they giving it to you?"

"Because I made it clear I didn't want it. I'm a follower, always have been. I don't have pipe dreams about leading my own crew; I _am_ the crew and that's how I like it. But you've always wanted something bigger, don't act like you haven't," she leaned towards him, her eyes boring into his, "If you don't want this dream to die — _Zoe's dream_ — you'll take Admiral Hackett's offer, go through the motions of your training, come back to us and step up to take command. If you're not in, none of us are, and where does that leave the Normandy?"

"I'm not going anywhere. I don't care if he takes the job or not. This ship's the only thing keeping me going," Joker shrugged, rapping his thumb impatiently against the metallic surface, "Whether you guys are here or not, now that EDI's gone… this is the only home I have left."

"Wouldn't you rather it be us here than a bunch of fresh-faced Alliance brats that can't tell the difference between their own asses and an escape pod?" Ashley raised an inquiring eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, I guess… I don't know…" the pilot mumbled, visibly retreating back into himself.

Joker hadn't been the same after everything had come to a head; no more jokes, no smart-ass commentary — just quiet, reserved introspection. It made the rest of the crew noticeably uneasy. With all the relays out of commission, they hadn't been doing much except pitching in where they could with the effort to restore Earth. Jeff's inability to help wasn't doing him any favors on his rode to recovery. He and James had been spending a lot of time together in their off hours, the lieutenant focusing solely on attempting to raise his friend's spirits, so that his mind would drift to Shepard as infrequently as possible. But now that he'd gotten word that Hackett had called off the search, there was little that could keep him distracted for long.

"I'm not just gonna give up on her. She's out there somewhere, I know it," James brought a fist hard down on the table, "I can't just go off to N training without knowing what happened to her!"

"James, Hackett's right. It's what Shepard would have wanted for you. Don't let her legacy die with her," Garrus encouraged, though he knew his choice of words was poor as soon as they'd left his mouth.

"She's not _dead!_ " the lieutenant shot up from his seat, furious at the assumption that came from the one squad mate of all of them that should have known Zoe better than that.

"So what if she is?" Joker stood up too, much slower than his friend, but he obviously had something important to interject, "And so what if she isn't? You're the one who told me not to lay down and die with EDI. You're the one who told me to keep on living for her. Follow your own advice, man. Take the job, because in the long run, Ash is right. I'd rather have your dumb ass commanding my ship than anyone else right now. If Shepard can't do it anymore, you have to take her place. She wouldn't have had it any other way, and you damn well know it."

As much as Vega hated to admit it, Joker was right. After all, she'd said almost those exact words to him in their last moments together. Humanity would need his help to rebuild, and if that meant stepping into her shoes, then so be it. They may have lost her, but they wouldn't lose the memory of her and all that she stood for, not if he had anything to say about it. And the only way the Normandy would fall into unfamiliar hands was over his dead body.

"Fine…" James let out a weary sigh, "Joker, contact Admiral Hackett. Let him know I'll be there for training as soon as he calls on me."

"Good," Jeff nodded, satisfied that his words had gotten through to the stubborn marine, and stomped jauntily out of the room.

"I'm glad you came around," Garrus gave a satisfied look, "It's going to be an honor serving under you, Commander Vega."

Hearing the title out loud practically knocked the breath out of him, "Don't call me that… not yet. Or… ever, probably."

"We can't just keep calling you _'lieutenant'_ once you're promoted, you know," Ashley unwelcomely pointed out, "That might come off a little weird to the higher ups, just saying."

"Whatever, just… at least wait 'til it happens," James shook his head, attempting unsuccessfully to rid his mind of the bizarre feelings that title provoked.

It seemed wrong on some level to take control of a ship that had been in her capable hands for so long. But, at the same time, he knew it was the best option, and the only one that would bring her any comfort, if somehow she could know what was transpiring. James sent a silent prayer to her to understand the decision and begged for some kind of sign from beyond that this was what she wanted for them all.

He knew a sign wouldn't come, however, and all that was left now was to rely on his intuition; to do what he could to assure that somehow, some way, she would live on. Not just in his heart and memories, but in the memories of everyones' lives she'd ever touched — so, basically the entire universe. It was a hefty task, one Vega was unsure whether he was up for, but she had believed in him, and he wasn't going to let her down now; not after all she'd sacrificed to assure the galaxy would live to see another day.

* * *

Hackett had wasted no time getting James processed into the N7 program. He'd barely had time to collect his thoughts and come to terms with everything before he was swept off to the facility to begin training. Because of his service under Shepard, the admiral had kept his word, fast tracking him all the way into the class that had just a little over a month before graduation. The other recruits were both skeptical and slightly intimidated by him, but he put them all out of his mind, foregoing the possibilities of making friends to focus on the more immediate goal of getting the hell out of there as soon as possible. He'd only been present for a few hours before one of the soldiers got a little too curious for his own good.

"Hey, I know you!" the man approached as Vega was settling his few possessions into his bunk space, "You're that guy that ran with Commander Shepard's crew, right? You guys are legends!"

"Yeah, it's not something I like to talk about," he tried to make it as obvious as possible that he didn't intend to continue the conversation, but the soldier was relentless.

"Man, what a woman, am I right? Single handedly saving the galaxy. I mean, not single handedly, I guess she had you guys, huh? But still, whatever she did in those final minutes… Reapers droppin' out of the sky like flies. That was somethin' else. They've been showin' her picture all over the vids since then. She's damn hot on top of it all, am I right?" the eager recruit gave him a light tap on the shoulder, the gesture and his words sending a rush of anger through Vega's body, "Too bad she bit the dust. Coulda made somebody a _lu-cky_ man, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"Why don't you shut the hell up and have some damn respect?" his instinct was to whip around and punch the guy straight in the jaw, but for once he held himself back, though it took every ounce of his willpower to do so.

"Hey, sorry man. You're right, too soon, too soon," the man began to back off, but a snarky grin inched it's way onto his face when he noticed the picture that sat visible at the top of the lieutenant's duffle bag, "Wait, hey, I remember seein' you on the news with her at that casino party thing. You were sweet on her, huh? I don't blame you, man. In close quarters for months with a woman like that? I wouldn't've been able to restrain myself, I know that much."

Now, he'd crossed a line. James spun on his heals, stomped towards the recruit, and grabbed him up by the collar of his shirt, slamming him forcefully against the wall. The man's head collided against the metallic surface with a resounding thwack.

"Listen, pendejo, _we_ gotta spend the next month together, in close quarters. If you wanna keep your head on, I suggest you keep your fuckin' mouth shut, or else _I_ might not be able to restrain _myself_ ," he dropped the solider, narrowing his eyes viciously to drive his point home, "I really don't wanna be kicked out of this program because I was forced to _teach you_ some respect."

"Okay, sorry!" the man threw his hands up in defense.

"Get the hell out of here," James sneered, turning back to finish his task, and the solider took the opportunity to make a break for it, sprinting out the door as far away from the grisly lieutenant as possible.

Vega's first day of training proved to be far rougher and more rigorous than he'd anticipated. Shepard had warned him of as much. The best training was always the hardest, but it would be worth it in the end. The Normandy, his own command, was just within reach. But, a month sequestered from society, without a way to receive word if they did happen to find her — the wondering was going to be infinitely more difficult to handle than the training.

He thought he might end the first day so tired from the work that as soon as he fell into his bunk, he'd pass right to sleep, but he was wrong. James couldn't stop the thoughts of her, the same ones that had circled his dreams since the night after the final battle. He pulled the picture from his duffle, running his thumb along the slick surface as if he were caressing her face. It was a quick snap he'd taken of Zoe the night of the party, and somehow he'd caught the same expression that Glyph had in the group photo. Shepard had laughed a lot that night, more than any time before it, or any thereafter. He missed the sound of that laugh so much that the thought of it sent his heart crumbling to bits all over again.

_She's out there. This isn't over. It can't be._

James remembered standing in front of the memorial wall onboard the ship, clinging to her name plate, refusing to mount it among the rest. They had all been willing to die for the cause, her more so than any of them. He'd wanted so badly to go with her on that final leg, but now he was almost glad she had left him behind. The last memory he possessed of her was that amazingly passionate kiss before she shot off like a bullet.

No goodbyes, no regrets, just her eye on the prize at the end of the road. So many things he had to hold onto about her — the way her hair smelled like lavender and gun smoke; the pensive look on her face when she was neck deep in a book she couldn't put down; the sound of his name rising from her lips in a sharp gasp. So many things to hold onto, but none of them were as warm as holding her.

_'You are my everything. I couldn't have done this without you.'_

Some of her last words, said what felt like a lifetime ago, but they still rang loud and clear in his brain. It wasn't true, of course. Zoe could have done it all, whether he'd been there or not. But he knew what she had been trying to express. James was sure that, in those final few moments, she must have been fighting to live instead of giving in to what she had thought was her fate.

Her soul had been tired and broken. In fact, both of them had been suffering in similar ways, but their love for each other had pulled them out of the worse of it. There had still been struggles, and chances were it never would have been ideal. That would have been fine; imperfection would have been the perfect place for him to rest his head. Anything, except for this lonely, uncertain fate that had befallen him now that she was gone.


	34. Losing It

"She's showing high levels of brain activity, but we have good indication that when she does wake up, she'll be suffering some pretty serious memory loss. With the severity of her cranial injuries and the stress she underwent during the ordeal, she could be missing large chunks of her past, or the inability to retain new memories all together," the voice swimming in her ears was foggy, but familiar, "We won't know for sure until she recovers from the coma, but the prognosis doesn't look good at this point."

_Miranda…_ it was Miranda. If she could only force her eyes open, if she could only make herself speak, she could let the woman know she did remember.

This time the voice that spoke was one she'd never heard, "How did they manage to find her after an entire _week_ of searching?"

"They were about to give up. That section of the Citadel was in ruins, but as they were about to leave, they heard strange sounds coming from under the rubble," her old friend was talking again, "Turns out it was a distress signal from her omni-tool. Anyone else would have been dead by then, from starvation or dehydration, if not from blood loss. But Shepard, she's the most resilient person I've ever known. Who knows how she held out so long. She's severely dehydrated and she's lost a substantial amount of blood, but we've got her stabilized — What… what the hell? Did you see that?"

It was taking every ounce of strength and will to do it, but somehow Zoe managed to open her eyes, if only for a second.

"That's impossible! She hasn't even been here a day yet, there's no way!" the second voice cried out in shock.

"You don't know Shepard. She may come back to us sooner than we think. Shepard, if you can hear me, try to move your right hand," Miranda commanded, and the semi-comatose woman fought through her body's stiff resistance to do as she was told, "Oh my god! She did it! Shepard, you're in the Royal London Hospital. We recovered you from the wreckage in the Citadel late last night. You've been here for approximately ten hours, and we're doing all we can to fix you, alright? Just, stay with us, fight through this. I know you can do it. Don't push yourself too hard, though. After everything you've been through your body needs rest. But, don't give up on yourself either. Do you understand?"

The fingers on Shepard's right hand twitched once more in response. She could feel Miranda squeeze her left hand tightly, and hear a light gasp escape the woman's lips, but the commander couldn't force her eyes to open again. The sensation of incapacitation was infuriating. Zoe struggled desperately against it, feeling a heated panic rise in her immovable chest. Her heart started to race with the effort, and the machines hooked into her limbs began to sing out with a sharp beeping noise.

"She's going into shock. Get a sedative," Miranda had seen this happen once before, Shepard pulling herself fiercely from the brink of death, tenaciously eager to live again, "Calm down, Zoe. Don't fight yourself. You'll pull out of this soon, just relax."

But she couldn't; she had things to do, people to save, and friends that needed to know she was still alive. Her pulse climbed higher and higher, her mind racing with a ferocious intensity. The last thing she could remember was being shut into house arrest after destroying the Batarian Relay. What had caused this? What had they done to her to leave her in this state? It had to be the work of the Council, angry at her negligent actions. She was seconds away from finding the fortitude to raise her arms from the bed and yank the tubes from her flesh, when she felt a sharp prick in her inner elbow and everything went black again.

* * *

The next five days passed slowly, with Shepard slipping in and out of consciousness. Miranda was there frequently, but the commander still didn't have the strength to form coherent words. They'd worked out a system of yes and no responses with blinks, and so far the brunette had deduced that Shepard was indeed missing large sections of her memory over the past six months. Miranda worked with her day and night, careful not to press her too hard, as to not bring on another episode similar to the first.

On the sixth day, when the ex-Cerberus operative showed up for her morning visit, she couldn't believe her eyes when she stepped into the stark white hospital room. Zoe sat, propped up by pillows, with a book open on her lap, reading intently.

"Hey, Miranda. You're late this morning," Shepard observed, keeping her eyes plastered to the pages before her, "How's it going?"

"Zoe… what… how did you…" the brunette stuttered, taking a few cautious steps towards the bed.

"I woke up again a few hours ago, but I was totally lucid this time… I don't know how it happened, but here we are," the commander shrugged, seemingly unfazed by her sudden and miraculous recovery — of course, this experience was technically nothing new for her.

"Incredible… I swear to God, Shepard, you never cease to amaze me," Miranda was gaping, her head shaking slowly in disbelief, "So, do you feel up to answering some real questions today, or do you still need some time? I'd like to get a better idea of how extensive your memory loss is."

"I suppose…" Zoe looked reluctant, but also wanted more than anything to figure it out for herself, "Have a seat, it makes me nervous when you just stand there."

Miranda acquiesced, choosing the chair next to the window and pulling out a digital recorder to document the conversation, "Tell me the last thing you remember, in as much detail as possible."

Shepard closed her book to focus on the conversation, "I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that. The last thing I remember clearly was being taken in to house arrest on Earth, but there are things after that, they're just… fuzzy, and in sporadic chunks."

"We'll start simply, then. Tell me the names of the crew members that you remember clearly, and a little bit about each one," Miranda pressed on.

"Well, there's Joker… he's my pilot, the best in the business. Then, there's Liara, a doctor and expert on Prothean history… Garrus, codename Archangel, and he kicks my ass in target practice… EDI, the ship's AI…" she was obviously starting to struggle at that point, "Steve… he's… the engineer?"

"That was Addams. Steve was your armory chief, and shuttle pilot," her friend corrected, calmly, "Keep trying. Focus on the ones that you're having a hard time with."

"Right… I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, Tal—Tali, quarian… likes cheesy romantic movies? Is that right or did I make that up? I met her when she was on her pilgrimage… Ashley, she was promoted to lieutenant commander while I was with Cerberus… I don't know, I remember them all pretty well, but I've known most of them for years. The memories are only cloudy for however long it's been since I was locked up."

"Is there anyone else from your recent past that you can recall?" Miranda had a certain name in mind, but she knew it was better for Shepard's recovery if she pulled it forth on her own.

"I… I don't know," a dull ache was beginning to throb in the back of Zoe's skull, where she had suffered the brunt of her head injury, "There's something else there but I can't… I don't know."

"Let's go over the events that occurred after the Reapers arrived," the brunette changed the subject before the commander had a chance to delve deeper and possibly cause herself more harm than good, "What are your most clear and recent memories about your first few missions?"

"I remember… there's a gap, between being brought in for trial and leaving Earth when the Reapers hit… but I remember Mars, the huge storm, fighting Cerberus. Liara was there… and Ashley… and… someone else. What was his _name?_ " Shepard's brow knit together in frustration — whoever the shadow figure at the cusp of her memory was, they were important somehow.

"Maybe this will jostle your memory?" Miranda held out a set of dog tags hanging on a long silvery chain, and the commander reached out with trembling fingers to accept the trinket, "We found it on you when they brought you in. It was practically melted into your flesh. Read the name, maybe it will come back to you."

_'Vega, James A'_. It sounded hauntingly familiar, and a face materialized briefly at the back of her vision. Zoe could recall herself plucking the necklace from a bedside lamp and reading the letters silently before pulling it around her neck. But, no matter how she tried, she couldn't remember why they'd been there in her room in the first place. Shepard shook her head stoically, dropping the chain down on the nightstand beside her.

"I don't remember," she might have been missing clips of the movie reel that was her memory, but she still knew herself well enough to know this was going to be a long, infuriating road — made all the more unsettling by the fact that she might never repair the bridges of recollection that had been burned by her trauma.

"He's your significant other, Zoe," Miranda informed her, keeping her tone collected, but feeling anxiety rise steeply in her chest, "He guarded you when you were on house arrest here on Earth, then joined the Normandy in the fight against the Reapers. I don't know all the details myself, but somewhere along the way, the two of you fell in love."

The words were like an electric shock straight to her core, and the commander began to feel her breathing shorten in her confusion, "Why… why can't I remember that?"

"I'm not sure. All the decades spent researching your condition, and science still isn't certain how it works," the brunette appeared utterly crushed at not being able to give her old friend better answers, "But we do have the technology to help you recover. We'll start treatments as soon as we're finished perfecting it."

"Wait… I remember… something to do with N7. He was a fellow recruit? It that right? He had a tattoo…" she was traversing the deepest reaches of her bleary consciousness, reaching to pull something, _anything_ forth that would give her an indication of who this man was to her.

"He received his commendation while under your command. Several days ago, he left to begin his training. Hackett is having him fast-tracked through the program, based on his service with you as his training officer, and…" Miranda hesitated, "Shepard… the admiral wants to place James in charge of the Normandy and your squad."

"They're giving him control of my ship? So, they don't know I'm alive?" Zoe's whole body tensed at the admission, heat abruptly rising to the back of her neck.

"The day after your rescue, the admiral was made aware of your survival, but by then, the lieutenant had already accepted the offer. Hackett couldn't, in good conscience, go back on his word, especially being unsure as to whether or not you were going to recover," the younger woman looked regretful at having to pour this all out on the commander in her weakened state, "I'm sorry, Shepard, but try to look at it in a positive light. James loves you, he'll do all he can to keep your crew and your ship safe for you, in the event you're able to return to your duties one day."

_'James loves you…'_ Zoe couldn't wrap her head around the idea that somewhere out there was a man that cared so deeply for her, who's name and face she could barely recall. Her heart ached for him, and for her inability to make any worthwhile connections regarding him. Part of her was also reeling from the thought of someone she didn't know, at least not anymore, taking control of the one thing she held dear. The Normandy was hers; her life line and only saving grace for the last few years. To have it fall into the hands of a person who may as well be a stranger…

"Let's continue, if you're up for it," Miranda proceeded, urging the subject in a different, less upsetting direction, "What events to you recall after Mars?"

"I don't know… this is too much, Miranda. I don't know if I can do this yet," Shepard buried her face in her hands, "So much happened, but so much of it is blank… And it feels like I'm missing the most important parts."

"It's alright. We can continue this at a later time. If you'd like, I'll try to get in touch with some of your friends, ask them to visit. It could help pull together some of the missing pieces," the brunette suggested, standing to take her leave and give the exhausted woman some peace.

"Yes, as soon as you can… please," Zoe desperately needed to see more familiar faces right now, "Does… James know I'm alive?"

"No one knows at the moment, besides the doctors here, the admiral, and a few other higher-ups. As for informing the lieutenant — as you know, communication in the N7 program is pretty strictly prohibited, unless it's a family emergency," Miranda stepped towards the door.

"Right… well, if you can get in touch with Liara, Garrus… Tali, Joker, Ash… any of them, I don't care. I'd really appreciate it," Shepard slid down in the bed, laying her head back and staring blankly at the ceiling.

"I'll get right on it. Try to get some rest, Shepard. Everything will work itself out," with that, she left the shaken commander to her thoughts.

Later that evening, Zoe was graced with the presence of her first guests. Shortly after finishing off her bland hospital meal — the first solid food she'd had since coming back to — a familiar pair of bodies came rushing through the doors.

"Shepard!" Liara cried, bounding towards the bed, relief shining in her wide eyes, "I can't believe it! It's really you!"

"You're certainly a sight for sore eyes, Commander," Garrus trailed behind her, his pace more slow and controlled than his asari companion.

"Liara! Garrus! Shit, it's good to see you!" Zoe wanted more than anything to spring from the bed and scoop them both up in an embrace, but the fractures in both her legs were taking their sweet time in healing.

Liara leaned over the bed and hugged her tightly anyway, "It's so good to see you! And you remember us? Miranda said you were suffering from retrograde amnesia?"

"It's a mild case, everything is mostly intact. There are only bits and pieces that I can't recall," she sighed, as the doctor pulled back from her, "It's mostly details. I remember the the majority of the significant things… except for one."

"What is it you're missing?" Garrus inquired, his curiosity piqued.

Zoe reached over to the table and retrieved the dog tags she'd dropped there earlier that day, handing them over to her friends, "Who… who is he?"

The turian took the necklace from her and looked it over, his face clouding with something akin to sadness, "You mean… you don't remember the lieutenant?"

"I… I've been trying all day, but I can only pull little snippets out. I couldn't even remember his name until Miranda showed me that. Everyone else I didn't have a problem with, except I got Cortez and Addams mixed up briefly. She said James was my guard when I was locked up on Earth. I can remember tiny snippets of that time, but nothing significant. Same with the period while we were pursuing the Reapers. Small blips of conversation with him… but that's similar to what I remember about everyone else during that time. I think I remember arguing with him a lot, but I'm not sure if those memories are real or my mind is playing some kind of trick on me," she let out another heavy breath, "I guess the only reason I remember everyone else pretty clearly is because you've all been with me for years. But Miranda said… she said we were in love… and I… don't remember that part of it…"

"Oh, Shepard," Liara brought a comforting hand to Zoe's shoulder, "James loves you very much. He was desperate to find you after you went missing. He didn't sleep for days."

"We practically had to force him to eat and rest," Garrus interjected, "It took a week to convince him to finally accept the commendation into the N program. He's there now, or else he'd be right here by your side."

"But…" the commander let out a frustrated growl, "I understand you're just trying to make me feel better, and reassure me, but I don't understand how any of that matters if I don't remember who he was to me. All I remember is a hard-headed marine and a shameless flirt. I don't remember falling in love; I don't feel like I'm in love now. I only remember ever being in love with one person. And Miranda already went over with me the basics of what happened to her before the two of you got here. I don't remember that part either — not clearly. Tell me how I'm supposed to care about someone I've got no memory of having feelings for? Let alone, someone who's willingly about to take control of _my_ command without even knowing if I'm still alive?"

"You don't understand, Shepard. We were told there was no hope of finding you," the turian nudged Liara out of the way so he could get in close to drive his point across, "We thought you were _dead_. The lieutenant is doing what we all convinced him was for the best, to keep your legacy safe and alive."

"He's not trying to steal anything away from you," the doctor's eyes were clouded with worry for her bewildered friend, "He's trying to follow in your footsteps, in the path you wanted for him."

"I'm guessing she doesn't remember telling him that, Liara," Garrus observed, "You don't, do you? You broke your promise to him, right before the final push. You had told him you'd take him with you, but you took Ashley and me instead. You said he had to step up for humanity in case you didn't make it. So, he's only doing what he thought you'd want him to do. What better way to live up to his word than do everything in his power to assure the ship stays in familiar hands?"

"But I'm not dead!" Shepard's inability to connect the dots was beginning to drain her emotionally, her capacity to see reason clouded by her elevating distress, "I survived, I'm breathing, and before long I'll be out of here again, and I'll be damned if someone else is going to take command of _my fucking ship!_ "

The monitor to her side began emitting that piercing wail again, her heart rate rocketing to dangerous levels. She could feel her brow begin to bead with sweat and angry tears welled up in her eyes.

"Calm down, Shepard," Liara brushed her hair back from her face, a gesture that was supposed to be soothing, but only served to heighten the woman's aggression.

Zoe swatted the hand away, struggling against the pain in her legs, and yanking at the IVs embedded in her forearms, "I don't give a damn who he is, or what anyone tells me we might have felt for each other! That ship is my livelihood, the only home I've ever had! So help me, I'll put him in the ground before he can ever set another foot aboard her!"

Miranda came rushing into the room, terror flashing across her face as she caught sight of the scene, "What the hell is going on here? Shepard, stop it! Calm down or I'll be forced to sedate you!"

"I'm getting the hell out of here! Don't you dare try to stop me!" the commander shoved her frozen legs over the side of the bed, blood trickling rapidly from the holes she'd ripped in her skin.

"You can't even walk! Don't be stupid, Zoe!" the brunette rushed over to a medical cart, hastily retrieving a vial and needle, "Garrus, restrain her so I can get this in her arm! Now!"

"Don't make us do this, Shepard," Garrus pleaded, gripping her shoulders and shoving her forcefully back onto the pillows.

"Get off me, Garrus!" Shepard thrashed her arms, crimson pooling on the stark white of the bedsheets, "Let me go! You're supposed to be on my side!"

"I am, Shepard. Or else I'd just let you go so you could bleed to death while you try to right a wrong that doesn't even exist!" the turian was stronger than his gaunt frame would suggest, and he easily held her in place as Miranda carefully injected her with the potent sedative.

"This isn't right… It wasn't supposed to end like this," Zoe's words and thoughts became muddled, her vision slowly waning, "I should have died…"

"Shepard…" Liara was distraught, tears flooding down her cheeks at the sight of her broken friend.

"Just relax, Commander," Garrus made his voice as calming as possible, stroking her forehead as she slipped gradually into unconsciousness.

"You're… not supposed to… call me that anymore… James…" with the final word, Shepard's eyes sank shut, and she was out like a light.

"Damn," the turian spat, jerking around and shaking off the eerie feeling that seeing her fade out had given him, "We have to find Vega. Tell him what's happening to her. This is bad, Liara. He has to know."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Liara grabbed a tissue from the bedside table and wiped at her damp cheeks, "She's just had an anxiety attack simply from the idea of him taking over the Normandy. If she actually sees him, her reaction might be even worse than that."

"Besides," Miranda cut in, "He's in training. There's no way to reach him, unless it's a family emergency."

"So, we'll tell them it is. Shepard _is_ family, dammit, especially to James. Can you imagine if we let this go on without informing him?" Garrus could feel himself becoming irrational, a sensation he was severely uncomfortable experiencing, "He'll be devastated as it is, but to let this continue until he's done with training, and possibly get worse in that time frame? He'd never forgive us, and you know I'm right."

"I don't think it's going to be that simple," the brunette dropped her head, wistfully, "Liara has a point. If we bring him into the situation now, it could exacerbate her condition. It might be better if we try other tactics to retrieve her memories, as we finish perfecting our tech, before introducing him into already volatile circumstances."

"Fine. I'm not a doctor, do what you want. But it's your funeral when he does find out," Garrus scoffed, stomping out of the room in a fit of fretful vexation.

* * *

The training that would have taken any other solider a solid six months to complete took James a brief month and a half. Hackett had stayed true to his word, and upon his graduation, bestowed upon him the rank of Commander to the Normandy. He handed over the ship to Vega without a word of the news he'd known for weeks now. Perhaps he hadn't thought it would make a difference, that James would have forgotten to worry about it, or perhaps the admiral was still too busy with the renovations of Earth to remember to mention it. Either way, little did the older man know, the new commander's world and everything he thought he knew about his future was about to turn completely upside down.

James' first indication that something was amiss came in the form of a vague email from Garrus. The turian wrote to congratulate him on his recent graduation, but it was what came after that that caused the hairs on Vega's arms to stand at attention. His turian comrade had news about Shepard — and the news wasn't good, but that was all he would say without meeting in person. In addition, he'd asked the commander join to him at the embassy in London later that evening, telling him to come prepared for some upsetting revelations. Zoe was alive, James was sure of it. If it had been anything else, if they'd found her dead, Garrus would have just said so. But no, they'd found her, and they'd kept it from him. Or, more likely, the news wasn't able to reach him while he was sequestered to the makeshift training grounds.

After the destruction of the mass relays, interspace travel had become veritably impossible, so the various military organizations had set up temporary bases wherever necessary to rebuild their decimated forces. As much as James loved Earth, he was starting to miss the vast expanse of the outer world; the endless adventures and unlimited freedom of the open sky were calling to him. Or, maybe that was only because space was where he'd gotten to know and love her. Whatever the case, the peace that had settled over the galaxy in the days after the destruction of the Reapers was steadily waning.

It didn't matter that the races had all come together for once in their existences to join forces in an epic display of camaraderie; when it came down to it, enemies were enemies. Old grudges were not going to be put to rest so easily as all that. But, as much as James was itching to get back to the skies, as much as he wanted to do his part to keep the semblance of peace afloat as long as possible, none of that mattered right now. He had to see Garrus, had to pry the truth from him, and then, he had to find her.

When Vega arrived at the embassy, Garrus was sitting on the steps outside the doors, searching the crowd for any sign of the commander's presence. When their eyes met, James broke into a jog, determination set in his hardened countenance. They shared a brief embrace, and the turian offered his hand for a congratulatory shake.

"Commander Vega, good to see you again," Vakarian could try to stall all he wanted, but James had more pressing things on his mind.

He wasted no time with pleasantries, skipping right to the important questions, "What's the news, Garrus? How is she?"

Garrus dropped his gaze to the ground, "She's alive, as I'm sure you've already figured out. But, aside from that, it's not good, James."

"How bad is it? Crippled? A coma? Tell me, man," the flustered marine's voice was rising, along with his blood pressure.

"She's having some trouble with the use of her legs; they were crushed pretty badly when the rubble fell on her, but that's not what we're concerned about. She's… got some pretty significant memory loss."

"How far back? What is it that she can't remember?" the commander had a bad feeling about what the answer was going to be, and his comrade's ambiguity was starting to irk him to an extreme level.

The turian let out a weary sigh, "She's having the hardest time with memories surrounding… you. More specifically, the most current chapters of your relationship."

"You mean… she doesn't remember that we were together in the end?" James felt his heart plummet to the ground, shattering into a million pieces at his feet.

"I'm sorry, James. We've been working with her for weeks, trying to revive her memories of you and the weeks leading up to the final battle. But, so far the most recent memory we've been able to drag out of her isn't exactly a pleasant one in regard to you," Garrus rubbed at his head, searching for a way to phrase his words, "The last thing she can recall is a fight the two of you had after you took a bullet for her during Cerberus' attack on the Citadel. She says she only remembers bits and pieces of your conversations after that. That you were an ass… and a shameless flirt."

"She's got me pegged, at least… But, that can't be it, there's gotta be something else that's hiding in there," the marine clenched his fists tight, resolve burning in his eyes, "I have to go see her. Where's she at now?"

"I… don't know if that's a good idea, Commander. She… knows about your new position. And, she's not happy about it," Garrus grimaced, "In fact, she's pretty damn infuriated at the whole thing right now. She kind of wants to snap your neck, I think."

"She's pissed at me? What the hell for?" Vega's stomach joined his heart, sinking down to the pavement.

"She doesn't remember being in love with you, James. All she knows it that you're some near-stranger that's about to take control of her ship. You know as well as anyone how ridiculously hardheaded Shepard can be. She isn't listening to any of us about you. We've all done our best. Tali, Ashley — even Wrex has been to visit and not a single one of us have been able to knock any sense into her," Garrus was becoming visibly flustered at his inability to communicate the dire nature of the situation, "Honestly, I've never seen her like this. She's under the impression that her whole livelihood is being stripped away from her. She's confused, scared, and unreachable. This is the first time in all the years that I've known Shepard that I've been at a loss as to how to get through to her."

Suddenly, a thought occurred to James, "What about Chakwas? Or Jack?"

"Doctor Chakwas has been busy elsewhere with relief efforts… and Jack; I'm not even sure she's aware of what happened, or where she was when the relays went out," the turian shook his head, unsure of where the new commander was going with this.

"We've got to find her. I trust you, so I'm not gonna try to go in there just yet, but we've got to do what we can to find Jack. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that if anyone can get through to her, it's Loca."

It was settled at that. James and Garrus went to work tracking down the eccentric woman and it would seem for once that their luck was uncharacteristically favorable; it only took a matter of hours to pinpoint her location and send out a correspondence. The response was quick, and encouraging. Jack had wound up on Earth right before the final attack, and had been holed up in an apartment in Amsterdam for the weeks afterward. She let them know she could be there by the next day, if all went well. Now, all they had to do was wait and see if Vega's intuition was on point.


	35. Missing Pieces

Jack sauntered quietly into the hospital room where, much to her dismay, Zoe was fast asleep in the middle of the day. When she neared the edge of the bed, she leaned down until her face was just inches from the sleeping woman's, and blew a hard puff of air up her nose.

"Wake up Sleeping Beauty!" she called loudly, bringing Shepard springing up out of her dreams, "Damn, sweets, you look like hell."

"And you look like hell on wheels, as usual," Zoe grumbled through a groggy haze, "It's good to finally see you again. I'm glad you made it out of everything okay."

"Almost had to beat the cheerleader's face in to get up here, but besides that I'm just peachy," Jack plopped down on the edge of the bed, looking her friend up and down with a skeptical gaze, "From what I hear, can't say the same about you."

"If my legs would just get their shit together, I'd've been out of here in a heartbeat," Shepard willed her two paralyzed appendages to move, but could only manage a slight bend in her right knee, "Fucking useless…"

"Look, let's cut through the crap, okay. I didn't come here to talk about your legs. I came here to talk about your ship… or, more specifically the newly appointed commander of your ship," the tattooed woman crossed her arms, raising a wary eyebrow at her friend, "Vega knows you're alive now. He wants to see you, but Garrus told him, and me, the things you've been ranting about. I'm here to smack some sense into that dense gourd of yours."

"Jack, don't even start with me," she rolled her eyes, leaning heavily back into the pillows, "I've been through this five hundred times with every other member of the crew. I can't just start having feelings and sympathy for someone because everyone around me is telling me I should."

"Then let him come see you; get a glimpse of him yourself," Jack stuck a single, slender finger into Zoe's chest, "Trust me, you take one look at him, all those memories are gonna come flooding back. He's not the kind of guy a girl would forget so easily, and I've forgotten a lot of men in my time, believe me."

"Believe me, it's not going to be that simple," Zoe reached to the bedside table to open the drawer, removing a framed picture and handing it over to the other woman, "Garrus brought me this, so I have seen him, okay? I don't remember this night, Jack. Not fully. All I can recall is music, drinking, dancing with you at one point… and then feeling guilty about it afterwards. And I fought with him the next day about it, but I don't remember why. I just remember we were yelling at each other and I was trying to make him leave. If we loved each other so much, why is it I can only pick up the times that we were at each other's throats?"

"That's half of what love is, Z! Shit, I've never actually been in love, and I know that. You get on each other's nerves, you fight, and then you have amazing make-up sex!" Jack threw her a wide grin, "You can't even remember if you had make-up sex, can you?"

"I don't even remember a single kiss, dammit! Who knows if we even did that?"

"He does! Talk to him, Shepard! And don't bring up the ship thing, for the love of god! He thought you were gone, and he was trying to pick up the pieces of himself that you left behind," she stood abruptly, leaning down into Zoe's space, her eyes narrowed in aggravation, "You do remember that I'm the only person you've ever told about what happened on Akuze? You know what it's like to feel what he felt in those day after, when everyone thought you were dead and gone. When he found out you were alive, after weeks of thinking otherwise, he thought he might have another chance until he found out what's going on with you. Don't be a bitch just because you're not getting your way right now. That's not like you, Z. Buck up, suck it up, and talk to the poor guy before you break his heart… again."

"Dammit, Jack—"

"Shut up, you know I'm right, Lola," the fiery girl righted herself, crossing her arms in front of her and casting Zoe a hellacious glare.

"Lola… where have I heard that?" Jack started to answer her, but Shepard held her hand up to cut her off, "He used to call me that… And Akuze… Jack, I don't think you're the only person that I told about that. I think he knows too. Why would I have told him about it?"

"Because you care about him, you idiot!" Jack threw her arms out in distress, "Geez, it's like talking to a fucking brick wall."

"Lola… Lola… Loca… that was you. That's what he called you that night," she traced the picture in her hands with her finger tips, a piece of the puzzle sliding unexpectedly into place.

"Well, that's a step in the right direction. Seeing anything else, oh great mystic of time and space?" her punkish friend teased, throwing a light jab to her shoulder.

Something was pulling hard at the back Zoe's mind: climbing stairs; swimming head; clothes falling to the floor; bodies entwined in a heated embrace.

"No… I don't…" she sucked in a sharp breath, her head throbbing with the acute pain that had become so commonplace recently.

"Fuckin' A, I thought we had something for a minute," Jack pivoted her head, her neck cracking in about a hundred different places with the motion, "Oh, well. At least tell me I convinced you to talk to him. That's what they brought me here for, so I don't get paid unless I do my job."

Shepard's head shot up, her eyes ablaze with fury, "They're paying you to convince me to talk to him?!"

"Chill, Shep, I'm just messing with you!" Jack snorted a laugh, "Damn, whatever meds they got you on, they need to up the dosage. You're tweaking the fuck out right now, man."

"Sorry, I've just been really on edge since I woke up… this whole thing, it's worse than anything else I've ever dealt with. I can handle combat with a hundred angry krogan, or a thousand geth armed to the teeth, but fighting my own mind," Zoe rubbed her temples hard with her fingertips, trying to dull the ache spreading across her forehead, "It's a battle I'm not convinced I'm going to win."

"Hey, look," Jack lowered her tone to as close as she could come to comforting, "I know you're going through some rough shit right now. But so is he. Knowing the girl he loves is trapped in a hospital raving about how she wants to beat his ass for doing what he thought was the right thing, what she wanted. It's killing him, Z. You know I'm not a sympathetic person, but I can read it all over his face. He needs to see you with his own two eyes. He needs to be here for you, because that's what he's gotten used to since the two of you met."

"Did he tell you that?"

"Not in so many words, but you know I'm pretty damn good at reading people," Jack picked one of Zoe's old, timeworn books off the table beside her, tossing it into her friend's lap, "Right now, he's more tattered and torn — and easier to interpret — than this raggedy piece of shit right here."

"Okay, okay. Fine, I get your point," Shepard threw her hands up in defeat, "Let him know I'll talk to him. And I won't bring up the ship thing, I swear."

"That's my good girl," Jack ruffled her messy, purple locks, "Damn, you need to get your roots done princess."

"Yeah, they don't exactly provide that kind of service here," Zoe smirked halfheartedly.

"Looks like you're gonna have yourself one nasty lookin' scar, too," the tattooed girl lifted her friends chin, examining the deep, ruddy blemish that cut deep across Zoe's left cheek.

"I haven't seen it yet. Miranda thinks it's better if I don't look at it while my mind is still recovering," Shepard brought her hand up to the marred patch of skin, playing at it delicately with her fingertips.

"That's bullshit. You're seriously telling me she hasn't let you look in a mirror since you got here?" Jack's eyes were almost popping out of their sockets.

"No… she said I've already been under enough stress," Shepard affected Miranda's thick accent as she went on, "That 'it would be too shocking'."

"And she didn't consider the possibility that seeing your own reflection might be pivotal to the success of your recovery?" she was seething now, and Zoe was getting a little nervous as to what was spinning through the unpredictable woman's head.

"I… guess not…"

"Dumb, cunt-faced, hack. Thinks she's so fucking smart," Jack stormed off in the direction of the lavatory that was located in the corner of the small room, "Think it would be goddamn obvious, but nooo…"

It was a place Zoe had only been a few times since she'd woken up — just to shower and such, with assistance, since her legs continued to fail her. She already knew what Jack was searching for and that she wouldn't find it in there. Miranda had made sure to do away with the looking glass before Shepard ever stepped foot in the room.

"What the hell? Where is it? Miranda!" the vehement woman came barreling out of the enclosure, and towards the door to the hallway, poking her head out and screaming down the corridor at the top of her lungs, "Shepard is not some kind of delicate fucking daisy flower! Get me a goddamn mirror, or I'm gonna blow this place into next week!"

She shot out of the door, her boot steps ringing hard, echoing thuds through the hall. Zoe could hear faint sounds of commotion coming from the reception desk, and the sound of Jack yelling profanities at the nurses before a loud crash reverberated in the distance. A few seconds later, Jack returned to the room, hefting a large, rectangular mirror that looked as if she'd pried it right off the wall.

"Here," she thrust the thing up so Zoe could finally get a glimpse of her own face.

It was far worse than she could have predicted. Aside from the wounds marking her tawny skin, her eyes were swollen and bloodshot, her hair a mess of tangles and knots, flying wildly around her head like a lion's mane. On the more serious note of her scars — her friends hadn't even let on that anything was wrong with her. But lo and behold, the disfigurement that marked her once smooth, flawless jaw had healed into a ragged and concave crater, as if an entire chunk of flesh had been gouged from the spot.

On the other side, her face was peppered with yellowish bruises, on their way to healing, but grisly in appearance, nonetheless. Another incision ran the length of her collar bone, protruding from the top of her hospital gown, up and around her neck. From the depth of it, it looked as if she'd nearly gotten her head lobbed clean off. What had happened in those last moments? Some kind of explosion, she was pretty sure, but the details were hazy, and unlike the rest of her shattered memories, that was one she wasn't trying hard to recall.

"Put it down, Jack," Zoe dropped her gaze to her trembling hands.

"It's not that bad, Shep. At least you lived through it," Jack propped the heavy mirror against the base of the night stand, "This makes, what, twice that you've cheated death?"

"Technically, more than that… but why me? Especially now, what do I have left? My legs don't fucking work; they took my ship; replaced me as commander; even my memories are in ruins. I've got nothing left," Shepard covered her face with her hands to hide the tears that brimmed in her eyes.

"Yes, you do! You've got your friends, every single one of us! And one of the hottest guys on the planet out there waiting on you to let him in! Snap out of this fucking crazy rut you're digging yourself into and be the woman I know is in there, for christ's sake!" she took hold of Zoe's shoulders, shaking her forcefully, "You're not an idiot, you're not a quitter! Goddammit, Shepard, pull yourself together!"

"Okay, okay! Just, stop!" she pushed the leather-clad arms away furiously, "Tell him to come. I just want to get this over with."

"Fine… But don't be too hard on him, Z," Jack let out a tired sigh, pulling a hair tie from her jacket pocket and slinging it into her friend's lap, "Here, it's not much but at least it'll tame the beast for now.

"Thanks," Zoe scooped up the band and whipped her hair up into a messy bun, sliding her hand roughly down her face and plopping roughly back onto the mattress, "Fuck me. Why is this happening?"

"Look, it's all gonna work itself out, okay? You just have to hold on to hope," the younger girl assured her, before crossing out of the room and disappearing into the hallway.

A few minutes later, Jack entered the waiting room, where James and Garrus were sitting on pins and needles. She tromped up to the commander and crossed her arms, leering down at him, somehow looking even more threatening that usual.

"She says you can go in, but she's not in a good place right now. Be easy on her. Don't you dare push her too hard, or you'll find my foot lodged so far up your ass you'll be able to taste my boot. Got it?" she sneered at him, her words laced with poisonous venom.

"Yeah, I got it, Loca," Vega stood, sidestepping her, and taking a few nervous steps towards the hallway, "It's really that bad, huh?"

"She's losing it all, and it's tearing her up like nothing before. But there's something there she won't hint at. I saw it when she looked at that picture we took at the party," Jack dropped down into the seat beside Garrus, splaying her legs out in an unladylike fashion, "That shit was fucking exhausting. Good luck in there, Jimmy Jam. You're gonna need it."

With that, James gathered what little courage he could manage and started down the hall to her room. When he crossed into the doorway, she was laying back in the bed with both arms crossed and resting heavily on her face. Shepard didn't make a move to welcome him — he wasn't even sure she'd heard him enter, so his first steps into the space were cautious and calculated. He paused when her arms slid down to rest on her thighs, thinking she may have fallen asleep, but a second later, she raised her head and blinked her eyes rapidly.

"Zoe…?"

He took a few more slow steps towards her, his heart leaping into his throat at the sight of her. Her face was devoid of emotion — pale, blank, and cold — and she refused to look at him.

"You're James?"

"Garrus said you remembered me, at least a little. Now that I'm here, you're gonna act like none of what you said to him was true?" his jaw clenched tightly, and he felt an unwelcome stinging at the corners of his eyes.

"I remember he told me you're the asshole that's taking my ship from me," already she was breaking her promise to Jack to avoid the issue, but she couldn't help herself.

Vega hesitantly closed the remaining gap between himself and the bed's edge, "It's not like that. Just let me explain."

"Don't bother, everyone else has done plenty of that for you," Shepard spat the words, like embers shooting from the mouth of a volcano, "I've seen the some of the vid records from the ship. And they brought me pictures of us. They've done everything short of writing me a romance novel about our history together. We're supposed to have some kind of epic bond. Some kind of fairy tale love, or something. So, why can't I remember any of it? Why can I only remember us fighting and getting in each other's faces? From what my memories are telling me, we pretty much hated each other. But like some kind of sick, twisted joke, everyone's trying to convince me I'm in love with you. Even Jack said I was going to break your heart if I talked to you like this. But I know myself, I remember who I am. I know I'm not the kind of person that would let myself be distracted with an office romance while the world is falling to pieces around me. Especially not with a subordinate."

"We didn't start out that way. You weren't even an officer when we first met," Vega reminded her, trying his best not to let her words cut too deep.

"Yeah, I remember that much. I know I punched you in the face at least once for putting your hands on me. I tore off your finger, didn't I?"

James could swear he saw a flash of doubt cross her face, and he took the opportunity to correct her mistake, holding his hands up for her to see that all his digits were completely intact.

"No… that was the guard before me. I mean, yeah, you punched me, but I didn't touch anything but your shoulder and my fingers are all still here. And once they promoted your whole crew to Spectre status, none of that mattered to you — to us — anymore," an idea occurred to him, and he thought it couldn't hurt to try, "Look, Shepard, I know you're sick of this place… You want your ship, your guns, your crew…"

"What the hell do you care?" her words were still sharp, but he could see something in Shepard's eyes that said she'd had the blip of a memory shoot to the surface, "That's not just my ship out there, it's my home; the only one I've ever known. If you cared about me like everyone says you do, why the hell would you take it from me?"

"I didn't have a choice! It was either me or someone you don't know; some stranger who could never understand what that ship means to you," Vega didn't want to fight with her, but he would stay here all night if he had to, just to make her comprehend, "If I hadn't taken the offer, they would have docked her, filled her with a bunch of strangers, then who the hell knows what would have happened to her?"

"You are a stranger! Granted, I'm glad my crew is staying with her, but I don't know you, not as well as all that. Why couldn't you have just waited one more day to take the offer? Then they would have known I was alive and we wouldn't be in this mess," Zoe was rambling now, running out of things to argue about.

"You do know me, Shepard, you just don't realize it yet. I waited a week, did everything I could to make sure they were doing their best to find you. I would have gone out there myself, but they wouldn't let me! Do you know how many nights I stayed awake, keeping an eye on the news, the data pads, the terminals, for any sign that they were wrong? I almost gave up on the Alliance, altogether. I came this close to turning down the offer and just quitting, going home, leaving everything behind to go drown myself in booze like I did after Fehl Prime," James was quickly losing his patience with the situation, and with her stubbornness.

"Oh, good for you, holding out for an entire week to make sure I wasn't dead…" Shepard rolled her eyes, "You must have been truly devastated."

"You know what, maybe you don't know me — because, yeah, I fuckin' was. But I held myself together and pushed it down, like you always did. So I could make the hard decisions. After everything that happened, the galaxy is a wreck. Someone's gotta go out there and help rebuild. They needed us, Shepard. I didn't have any time left to mull it over. Hackett had me convinced that it was a necessary decision. And everyone else had me convinced it's what you would have wanted, including you. I guess you don't remember what you told me before the final push?" she stayed stoically silent, so he continued, "You told me humanity couldn't afford to lose both of us. That the Normandy would need a leader. You didn't use the exact words, but it definitely gave the impression that this is what you wanted."

"No way. I wouldn't have turned my ship over to just anyone. If I'd said that to anyone — if they'd given that offer to anyone — it would have been Ashley," her tone was sure, but her countenance showed signs of misgiving in her own words.

"They did offer it to Ash, but she turned it down and gave them my name instead."

"I don't believe it. I don't know how you pulled it off, but something about this isn't right," Shepard shook her head defiantly, "Now, please, just leave."

He pulled in a deep breath through his nose and ran a hand down his face, "Fine, this was a bad idea…"

James turned to go, his resolve to reach out to her all but obliterated by her refusal to accept what was right in front of her. He was almost out the door when she called to his back.

"Wait… I have something of yours that you might want," she reached to the bedside table and retrieved the dog tags that bared his name, holding them out in his direction.

He crossed back towards her, his eyes fixated on the necklace hanging from her slender fingers, repeating the words he'd said to her before they'd returned to Earth, "So, that's where those disappeared to."

"I'm not sure where I got them, but Miranda said I was wearing them when they found me," Zoe lowered the chain delicately into his outstretched palm, the backs of her fingers grazing his skin as she let it drop.

"I left them hanging on your lamp the night we…" he stopped himself short, afraid of how she may react if he finished the thought.

"We what?" she searched his face for the answer, watching his eyes shift nervously around the room, and his silence told her everything his lips wouldn't say, "You mean we…"

"Yeah," James expelled the word with the breath he'd been tentatively holding, "That night, and again the next day, before it all ended."

"I don't understand this. Why did it have to be those pieces that went missing? I remember all the fighting, the disagreements between us. I remember the combat, the friends I lost and how they died… I even got back most of what happened with Melloria. But the good memories… why does it have to be the good ones that are staying hidden?" Shepard shoved her hands into her mussed locks, pulling hard at the roots, her face constricted in distress.

"Look, I know the last person you want to see right now is me. I know you're confused and scared and you kind of hate me for what I did. But trust me, at the time I made the decision for you. Just think of me as a place holder until you recover, and when the time comes, and you're back on your feet, the Normandy is all yours. I promise you. I just wanted to keep her safe for you, that's it," Vega's eyes were pleading with her to understand, "Let me see your hand."

James had noticed the silver band encircling her finger when she'd handed over his dog tags, and it occurred to him that she may not have even paid it any attention thus far. Shepard finally brought her gaze straight to his, and her breath caught in her throat at the dejected expression that dimmed his mocha eyes. She lifted her right hand up slowly, her knuckles still scabbed and rough, but he took it without hesitation and ran his thumb gently over the shining band on her ring finger. He brought his opposite hand up and slipped the jewelry off as carefully as he could manage, turning her hand over and placing the ring in her palm, closing her fingers over it.

With that, the new commander turned and took off towards the exit, "Just look at the inscription…"

Zoe opened her palm and inspected the trinket for a moment, before tossing it down on the nightstand, dropping back into the bed and closing her eyes. She didn't want to think right now — about him, about the Normandy, about any of it. She was seething inside with a mix of anger, confusion, and unconquerable frustration. If she could just get her legs to move, the amnesia wouldn't matter; she could get out of here, and if they wouldn't give her her ship back, she'd find a new one, and a new crew. Maybe run with the idea that Jack had given her so long ago to become a pirate. What did it matter anymore? She was a shadow — an incomplete silhouette of the woman she'd once been. It was too much this time. 'Commander Shepard' wasn't coming back from this.

Even if Miranda could fix her brain, if everything came flooding back, the scars would still be there — the scars on her body and the scars on her soul. She'd have to live with the regret of true defeat. Though Shepard was glad for it, in the long run it didn't matter to her that they'd won the war, because the things she had lost in the process were personally earth shattering. She had fought so hard, for so many years, just to have it all stripped away in the blink of an eye. Zoe told herself she didn't deserve this, that she'd only been doing what was best for the galaxy, but she honestly wasn't sure if she believed it anymore. How was she to tell what memories may be missing that could be evidence to the contrary?

She tilted her head to the side, staring down the ring with animosity, but a moment later, she plucked it from the table again, squeezing her fingers around it tightly. The trinket was so light, it was like she wasn't even holding it. The finger James had removed it from was marked by a deep indention, and felt naked without the pressure she had barely even noticed before. Zoe opened her hand carefully, lifting one digit at a time, and stared down at the glinting metallic circle, catching a glimpse of the inner band. She noticed the small inscription intricately carved inside, and picked the ring up with her opposite hand, holding it close, squinting to read the single word etched in exquisite cursive.

Promesa…

A surge of blinding pain shot through Shepard's temples, as a scene lost with time came rushing back to her, like a dam shattered by a deluge of torrential rain. The party, the laughter, the dancing, the bedroom… waking up in his arms the next morning… a piece here, a piece there, crashing back into place one after the other — a series of violent melee attacks straight to her cranium. Unwittingly, she let out a savage, roaring yell, the pain in her head reaching unbearable limits. Thankfully, James had stopped outside the door to collect his thoughts before returning to his friends.

He rushed back to her side, trepidation quickening his steps, "Shepard! Zoe! What's wrong?"

"It hurts," she was clinging to the sides of her head, rocking back and forth, with tears streaming from her eyes, "It hurts so fucking bad!"

He jabbed a finger on the call button to alert the nurses, then turned back to her, reaching out to rub easy circles along her back, "Can I do anything?"

"My neck, the back of my head, that's where it hurts the worst," her face was twisted with agony, but as Vega moved his hand up to massage the curve where her spine met the base of her neck, the pain began to ease and her features started to soften, "That's the worst one so far… thank you."

"Has it been happening a lot?" the feel of her hair twining between his fingers was wrenching at his emotions, but he took great pains to conceal the effect it was having on him.

"Every time I remember a lot of things all at once," she side-eyed him, with a pitiful expression painted across her face, "Can you go a little higher?"

He slid his fingers up her tender skull as requested, "Sure… where the hell are the nurses? There were like five of them out there a minute ago."

"Probably outside smoking," she scooted over as best she could to allow him a place to sit, patting the spot she had made so he would take the hint, "I think they're all kind of scared of me at this point, anyway. Might have just thought I was having another… episode."

"You? Scary? No way," he sat down, somewhat reluctantly, uneasy with being this close to her when she was still so unsure of him, "So… what did you remember? I mean, if you want to talk about it."

"The party… the whole thing, and… the morning after. I already had snippets of it, but… Miranda told me that seeing certain things from the past might trigger recall. She's been working on redeveloping the technology she used to rebuild me before, focusing on rewiring my brain first. I've been having treatments twice a day for the past two weeks. And since I'm actually awake this time around there are some… side effects," Zoe ran her hands down the blanket that covered her lower half, "You would think it would have been easier to fix my legs first, but she says my memories are her more immediate priority. I just want to be able to walk out of here and get back to work."

Miranda chose that moment to come bounding into the room, "Shepard, are you alright? The nurses said you hit the call button, but they were all busy with an emergency down the hall, so they called for me."

"I'm fine now. Just another headache," Shepard assured the other woman.

"Hey Miranda," Vega gave her a friendly nod.

"James, good to see you again," the brunette eyed the scene with skepticism, "Are you sure you're alright, Shepard? Did you remember something else?"

"Yes, I'm sure. And yes, I did," Zoe stated flatly.

"Should we go over it now, or would you like me to come back later?" Miranda asked, taking a step into the room.

Shepard shot her a look that clearly said 'go away', "Later, Miri."

"Alright, I'll come back at supper time. The nurses should be back soon, so if you have anymore problems, they'll be able to answer when you call now. I'll be in the labs for the next few hours, working on the bone and muscle regeneration project. Hopefully, we'll be able to start on your legs in the next few days, if all goes as planned," she turned to leave, but added over her shoulder, "Get some rest, Shepard."

When she'd disappeared around the corner, Zoe let out a grumbling sigh, "If I have to hear 'get some rest, Shepard' one more time, I'm going to explode. All I do is sleep. I've never slept this much in my life."

"Except when you were under house arrest, maybe," he reminded her, and to his surprise, a slight smirk crept to her lips.

"Yeah, true. Most of that time has come back, actually. It's just that sometimes, the memories get a little mixed up. Like, thinking it was your finger I took off. It's really unlike anything else — knowing where you've been and what you've done, but not being able to connect the dots to how you got there. Then, at times, your brain decides to have a sense of humor and thinks it's funny to fuck with the little details like that," Shepard lifted her right knee slightly, still the only movement she could pull from it, her mind drifting listlessly from one downfall to the next, "It's strange how I can't really feel much, but they still seem to ache. Phantom pains, I guess? Or is that only an amputee thing?"

"No clue. Do they do any physical therapy with you?" James had since stopped massaging her head and had moved to rubbing circles across her back, but she made no move or word to stop him.

"Miranda says there's no point, since she's almost finished with the tech to fix them," she rolled her head, releasing the last bits of tension in her neck, "With all the people injured in the attack, the nurses are always on call for something more serious. I think they're under the impression that I'm strong enough to deal with it."

"Well, they're not wrong. But still, a little exercise couldn't hurt. Keep your muscles from atrophying anyway," he slid down the bed a bit, and made a motion with his head to indicate he wanted to help, "You mind?"

"Go ahead. They're not pretty right now, but everyone that works here and their cousin, has seen them, so what's one more person?" she shrugged, and threw the blanket off, revealing her bruised and battered legs.

"Shit, Zoe…" the sight of them, almost entirely colored by a sickly greenish-purple tinge and marred with half-healed lacerations, sent a stabbing pain through the new commander.

"I know, it's gross. Sorry…" Shepard started to pull the sheet back up, but he stopped her.

"No, it's not that. I just… I'm glad you made it out after everything," his voice cracked when he spoke and reached for her left leg, running his hands along her calf, massaging the stiff muscles under her tattered flesh.

"James… I'm sorry," Zoe dropped her gaze to her hands, twining her fingers together as he'd seen her do so many times before when she was nervous.

"It's okay. I understand why you were upset. No hard feelings. If I was in your shoes, I would have reacted the same way," James assured her, as he pushed her leg up, gently forcing her knee to bend, bicycling it back and forth with great care.

"That's not what I meant. I mean, I'm sorry about that too, but mostly… I'm sorry I can't remember…" her eyes glistened with moisture and it was killing Vega to see her like this, more vulnerable that she'd ever been in her life.

"It's not your fault, Zoe. At least it's starting to come back," he circled her foot around on her ankle, gazing at her with a longing that tugged deep in her chest, "And even if it doesn't completely, I'm with you. I'm gonna be right here if you ever need me. What are some of the other things you don't remember yet?"

Shepard could tell he wanted to turn the subject away from their relationship for now, so she relented, "A lot about what happened before the party, with Mel and Brooks, is still hazy. I don't remember her death, or much of what led up to it, I just remember seeing her face after Garrus put her down. And right before everything went black after I took out the Catalyst… all I can remember is running into a beam of light… I know Anderson was there, and then I saw this kid, the hologram of a little boy… but everything in between and after that is fuzzy."

"They told you what happened afterwards, didn't they?" he stood and circled the bed, sitting down on the other side to repeat the process with her right leg.

"The mass relays, all the AI… EDI?… Yeah, Miranda told me. Joker must hate me for what I did," she sucked in a deep breath through her teeth when he bent her knee this time, "That one still has some real feeling in it."

"Sorry," he eased back a bit, "Joker doesn't hate you. He was torn up for a long time, but he's getting back on his feet."

"He's the only one of the crew that hasn't come to see me… I don't want to think about it right now," Shepard shook the thoughts from her head, "So, how do you know to do all this stuff?"

James let out a half-hearted chuckle, "Well, when I was seventeen, my abuela got really sick, and my family didn't have the money to keep her in the hospital. They had to send her home with us; set up a hospital bed right in the middle of the living room, and hospice came by a few times a week. But those pendejos didn't know shit, they let her just lay there and die. So, I taught myself a few things to make her last days easier. Didn't expect it would come in handy in the future, though."

"That's really sweet…" she peered up at him, an adoring smile rising to her lips, "I guess you're not so bad, after all. Besides being a ship thief, that is."

"Hey, I'm doing you a favor, Lola. No need to get snarky," he finished his task and pulled the blanket back over her, tucking it in gently.

"I'm just messing with you. I have a good feeling you'll take care of her for me. But you better believe when I get out of here, I'm gonna get her back, if I have to pry her from your cold, dead hands," she feigned an evil glare, but a smirk tugged at the corner of her lips, her eyes gleaming mischievously.

Vega crossed his arms defiantly in front of his chest, throwing her a smug look, "I'd like to see you try."

"Funny. I could take you with one arm tied behind my back," Zoe laughed, despite herself, "Or, both legs paralyzed, as it were."

"I don't doubt it," her true smile and that musical laugh, brought his heart some small semblance of peace, and with them, James felt a bit of his own unease begin to settle, "I think I'm gonna get out of here before you start swinging. You should get—"

Shepard cut him off, "Don't you dare say it."

"Some rest," he taunted, tossing a cocky grin her way.

"Get the hell out of here, Vega," she waved him away, but called to him as he started to pass through the door, "Hey… maybe you can come back again soon, if you're not busy, you know, wrecking my ship or something. I promise I'll be more civil next time."

"I'd like that," he gave a warm chuckle, "I'll try not to bang her up too bad, in the mean time. Later, Lola."

"Bye, James…"

A moment later, he disappeared into the hall and Zoe felt an overwhelming urge to stop him, beg him to stay with her for at least a little while longer, but she resisted. She could have sworn she felt a tingling sensation pulse through her dead left leg, where his fingers had worked at the mangled flesh there. Shepard knew, deep down, there was something between them. If she could only unearth those lost moments, cement them back where they belonged… Her next treatment wasn't for another hour. Maybe this time, she hoped, something significant about their time together would surface, and their next meeting would be a little more fruitful.


	36. Beginning Again

“Things are going exactly as planned. And much quicker than I anticipated. I’m happy with your work, Danela. Remind me to give you a raise later.”

“A little propaganda goes along way, ma’am. It didn’t hurt that it was widely rumored beforehand that you were in cahoots with Shepard before her untimely demise.”

“It wasn’t a rumor. It was fact. She was a stubborn bitch, but she was on the level. Not many times in life you meet a person that can play both sides as skillfully as she did. If there was anyone in this galaxy that could beat me at my own game, it would have been Shepard.”

“I never thought I’d hear you admit such a thing.”

“I only admit it because it’s the truth. It fucking kills me to ride someone else’s coattails to the top, but if it has to be someone, it might as well be the one person that deserves my respect.”

“Well, like I said, it’s working out. We have at least eighty percent of the remaining populous fully convinced that Commander Shepard ascended to godhood. The other twenty percent are still on the fence, but I have a feeling it won’t be long before they either revolt, or fall into step with the rest.”

“And if they revolt?”

“What’s left of the gangs have already been given orders and are in place to take action in the event of a rebellion.”

“Excellent. I can’t deny I’m surprised we didn’t have to use any of the brainwashing techniques your team developed. They were so easily swayed it’s almost comical.”

“In the aftermath of a disaster like they experienced, the citizens were searching for anything to cling to that would assure them not all was lost. With your reputation, plus the added benefit of Shepard’s friendship and ‘blessing’, convincing them was ridiculously simple. A few vids and pamphlets, and they were putty in our hands.”

“In _my_ hands, Danela. Your assistance has been indispensable but this is still a one-woman operation. I don’t share power. You’d do best to remember that.”

“Yes, ma’am. My apologizes. I am but your humble servant.”

“Ugh. Don’t grovel either, it makes you look pathetic. Now, tell me, what’s our next step?”

* * *

The screech of an alarm sliced through the humid air of the loft and James let out an exasperated growl, slamming a hand down on the clock and turning over on his stomach. He slid his hand across the cool, empty expanse of mattress to his side — the place she might have been sleeping if she wasn’t laid up in the hospital hating his guts. No matter how many mornings he woke up like this, he couldn’t get used to it. There had been no real period of adjustment when it came to staying the night with Shepard; they had fallen into the process as if it were a perfectly natural set up.

And once he’d spent those first two nights with her, it was as if it had never been any other way. He’d all but forgotten what it was like to fall asleep without her there. It had been more of a shock to the system than he ever would have imagined, that first night without her. He couldn’t bring himself to stay in her cabin, or with the others in the crew’s quarters, so he’d taken up residence in one of the half-finished apartments that he’d been helping renovate. If he slept at all, it couldn’t have been more than an hour, and when he had ‘woken up’, James thought at first he hadn’t slept at all. In fact, he would have been sure of it if the time on the clock didn’t inform him otherwise.

Going to sleep without her had been hard enough; waking up without her was always a whole other monster entirely. Often, when his eyes first opened, his mind would betrayed him. Perhaps it was the last tendrils of a dream, but he could have sworn he was in her bed, the shimmer of purple locks splayed out across the pillow next to him. But once he blinked the sleep from his eyes, the only thing that greeted him was the dim amber glow of the morning sun peeking in through the broken window panes. If he hadn’t been so overwhelmed and utterly exhausted, he might have cried when he recalled the events of the previous day.

Today was brand new, though. Hope had returned, no matter how flimsy and unsure it may be. James wanted nothing more than to go see her again, but part of his mind was telling him to wait it out, give her a few more days to recover before showing his face again. To call their previous reunion taxing would be something of an understatement, and he was more than a little wary of repeating the events if he returned too soon.

As much as he tried, however, he couldn’t keep himself away. He had missed her too much, for too long, and though duty called, he needed to see Zoe again while he had time. When he arrived at the hospital, Jack was in the same spot she had been the previous day, waiting to update him on progress.

“Hey again, Jimmy Jam,” she smirked as he neared, “Z told me she had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday.”

James shrugged lightly as he entered the sliding doors with Jack close on his heels, “It wasn’t much, but it’s something I guess.”

“It’s pretty significant, if you ask me. She’s in a mood again today, though. I might have done a bad thing yesterday. It didn’t seem to bother her much then, but I think after having the night to sit with it, it’s brought her down pretty far.”

The commander stopped in his tracks and spun around to pin her with a piercing glare, “What did you do?”

“Nothing!” Jack threw her hands up defensively, “I just gave her a mirror so she could see herself. Miranda wouldn’t do it, so someone had to.”

James visibly relaxed, “That’s it? You just showed her her reflection? What’s so bad about that? She looks fine.”

“Says the guy that’s hopelessly in love with her,” she scoffed, “She doesn’t exactly share your opinion, Muscles.”

“ _Don’t_ call me that, Loca,” he cringed, turning away from her again and starting down the corridor, “I don’t give a damn what nickname you want to give me, just don’t ever call me that.”

“Uh, sorry… touchy much? I mean, I always heard ‘roids gave guys anger problems, but damn.”

“Trust me, it’s not a sort temper thing. That’s what… O’Brien called me when she was around.”

“Oh, shit. My bad. I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s fine, just… don’t worry about it.”

The normally flippant woman looked uncharacteristically regretful of her words, which instantly caused James to feel a bit ashamed at how harsh his response had been. As they fell in step beside each other down the long hall that led to Shepard’s room, Jack reached out a hand and gave him a stiff pat on the back.

“I know it’s gonna be hard for a while, but just hold on as best you can, okay? I know Shepard; she won’t admit it, but she needs you right now,” the biotic girl cast her eyes towards the pearly floor tiles, “Can I tell you something? I took a trip to the Normandy last night. I was trying to find something that might jog her memory and I kind of snuck a peek at the memoirs she was writing. I uploaded a copy because I thought if I showed them to her, she’d remember some stuff. What she wrote about you… it was so different than everything else.”

That admission piqued the commander’s curiosity, and he took no pains to hide it as they paused outside the closed door, “What do you mean?”

“It was... nice. It had emotion in it. I don't know, I'm not good with words, I think you should just read it yourself,” Jack brought up her omni-tool and hastily typed in a few commands, “I’m only sending you the one passage. _Don’t_ tell her I did this. If she found out, she’d probably bust my head open.”

“Thanks Loca.”

“I just… hope it makes you feel better, Pecks.”

“No.”

“You said anything but Muscles.”

“ _No_.”

“Okay, whatever. Party pooper.”

Jack crossed over to the door and gave it several loud raps, announcing their presence at a volume that could no doubt be heard throughout the majority of the hospital. When Zoe called for them to enter and they crossed into the room, the pair were not only greeted by her surprisingly cheery face, but also by a face that they hadn’t been graced with since the night of the epic final party.

“Kasumi! Didn’t think I’d see you skulking around these parts any time soon!” Jack traipsed over to her friends and gave the thief a friendly clap to the back, “Steal any awesome shit since I saw you last?”

“Are you kidding? This planet is in ruins. Not much left to steal, and even if there was, it … doesn’t seem right these days,” even with Kasumi’s standard shroud, her face seemed darker than usual, the shine in her half-hidden eyes more forlorn than mischievous, “But, of course I came to see my Sheppie. Stuck on Earth with no way to travel anywhere interesting? There’s no place I’d rather be.”

As soon as they had walked in and Zoe had realized his presence, James noticed her face fall. She had gone from smiling contentedly to greet her friend, to pale and almost ashamed in her mannerisms in a matter of seconds. She clearly wasn’t paying attention to the other girls’ conversation, and was doing everything she could to avoid his questioning gaze. Shepard’s hand went to the side of her face, as if she were rubbing at her temples. But it was painfully obvious, after what Jack had told him, that she was trying to hide the scars and bruises still scattered across her flesh.

“Nice to see you again, Jimmy,” Kasumi flashed a smile at Vega, pulling his attention away from Zoe for the time being, “You’re looking as stout as ever. Had any more friendly pushup competitions lately? A rematch with Jacob, perhaps?”

“Nah, no time really,” James shrugged, crossing to the large window on the other side of the room and peering out of the slim blinds in an attempt to avoid unnerving Zoe any further, “I’ve been busy lately.”

“Our illustrious lieutenant here has recently undergone a rank shift. Isn’t that right, Hoss?” Jack smirked, plopping down on the end of the bed, “It’s _Commander_ Vega, now.”

“Commander Vega?” the thief purred, “Hmm, it suits you. So, does that mean you’re off the Normandy?”

“He’s running it,” Zoe cut in, her tone still holding a hint of an edge that James hadn’t expected after their previous conversation.

“He’s—You’re _what?_ ” If Vega could have seen Kasumi’s eyes, he was sure they’d be popping out of their sockets, “But, what about you, Shep? You said they were going to fix your legs. Where are you going to go?”

“Hell if I know,” Shepard sighed, scanning her eyes across James’ stiff shoulders, “I mean… James said he was going to give me the ship back when I got better, so… I guess we’ll figure it out when the time comes.”

“Can we maybe not talk about this right now?” the reluctant commander blew out a heavy breath, “It’s not really something I like to think about. And I definitely didn’t come here to fight about it again.”

“But—” Kasumi attempted another question that was quickly cut off by her bedridden friend.

“No, he’s right. Let’s just not talk about it. I’ll fill you in later, Sumi.”

“You got it, Shep. In fact, I think that’s my cue to exit. I’ll be back later this week, and I might even bring flowers,” Kasumi grinned, “It was good to see you. Don’t worry too much about everything. What they can’t fix with tech, there are other ways to heal.”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded, but wasn’t entirely convinced, “Thanks for coming by. Be careful out there.”

“Be careful in here,” the thief warned, “It wasn’t that hard for me to find out where you were. Word get’s round, you’ll have the entire population of Earth banging at your door trying to get a peek.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Shepard breathed a light laugh, throwing up her hand in goodbye before turning her attention to the remaining woman, “Hey, Jack. Do you think you could go down to the cafeteria and get me a coffee?”

The brusque biotic curled her lip up in protest, “What am I, your maid? Can’t you call one of the nurses or something?”

Zoe’s eyes shot wide, her gaze flicking momentarily to James’ still stoic form leaned against the large glass pane, “Please? I… like the way you make it.”

“Uh huh,” Jack pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes deliberately, “You like the way I pour the coffee into the cup? You drink it black, Z.”

“Just go get the damn coffee, hardhead,” Zoe hissed through gritted teeth, as quietly as she could manage, “Now.”

“Alright, alright,” the younger girl pushed herself off the bed and stomped towards the exit, “So, seven cremes and fifteen sugars, right?”

Shepard chose to ignore the quip, as Jack shoved through the doors and disappeared into the hall. The ex-commander reached to the bedside table to pluck a small compact from the surface, flipping it open and scanning over her reflection before she spoke again, wishing internally that she’d asked Jack to bring her makeup along at some point. James stayed silent, his back still turned to her, unsure as she was how to start a conversation from there.

Silence… Of all the things James and Zoe had ever shared, that hadn’t been one of them. Not in this sense, anyway; not in the sense that neither were confident enough in their standing with the other to know which words and thoughts were safe to express; not in the sense that James was wholly self-aware that things may never truly be the same between them in any definition of the phrase. No matter how vastly he searched his mind, he couldn’t speak, couldn’t turn to face her. He was frozen with heart-wrenching fear in a way he’d never felt — not even the previous day when she’d been so hateful towards him, or the last night aboard the Normandy when she’d tried to shut him out entirely.

Since the day before, Shepard hadn’t been blessed with any new clips of memory. The gift, the party, a few kisses, crawling into bed with him and curling into his side — those were still the only things she could clearly recall about their alleged romance. Zoe knew it should have been enough to convince herself, but after a life of pushing and distancing herself from affection, the feelings were still so impossible to grasp. There was one period of time that had come back pretty clearly, however. Their initial introduction hadn’t been anything all that special, but she did remember that along with her first impressions of him had come the jolt of a kind of instant connection.

“Are you gonna do some talking, or are you just going to stand there and stare out of the window all day?”

The words sliced through the heaviness between them, and James jolted to attention, spinning on his toes to face her, with the hint of a grin pulling at his thin lips, “Sorry Commander, you’re just not exactly what I expected.”

“What’s throwing you off, _Commander?_ ” Zoe chuckled lightly, relief washing over her in spades.

Vega took a few cautious steps towards the bed, wondering if she truly remembered the inside joke they’d made out of this little exchange, or if she was simply recalling their first meeting.

“Well, to start with, I wasn’t expecting the purple… half purple, now I guess.”

Shepard’s hand went instinctively to her hair, her face clouding with embarrassment, “Is it that bad? It didn’t look all that bad yesterday, but it grows so fast, I—”

“Hey, I was kidding,” he shook his head, edging closer still, “It looks fine. You look as amazing as you ever did.”

“I know you’re lying,” she dropped her eyes to her wringing hands, “But thanks anyway. It was hard to see myself like that. I never thought I was a vain person… I don’t know, it was just a shock I guess. I had a lot of scars before, and I know I could get them smoothed out if I wanted to, but still… Part of my mind told me I should be lucky to be alive. The other part doesn’t understand the point of surviving when I’ve got nothing left to go back to. I’m never going to be the same, even if you hand the Normandy back to me, even if Miri fixes my legs and my brain. I’m always going to have these memories of knowing there was a time when I didn’t remember who you were, didn’t understand what’s between us. I still don’t know enough about us to give you what I know you need, but I know enough to feel like I’m failing you.”

“Baby, no—”

The words caught in his throat as he spoke them. James hadn’t meant for it to come out, but his heart was shattering all over again. She’d said once before that she was broken, but never in his life would he ever have imagined he would see her look so utterly defeated.

“I wish it felt right to ask you to hold me,” Shepard whispered through quivering lips, barely audible even in the stark quiet of the sterile room, “I wish I understood why it’s so easy to admit that to you.”

“Zoe…”

With a few swift steps, James closed the gap between them, swooping down to her level and encircling her small frame with arms that had been empty for too long. He thought she might fight it, push away, scream at him to leave — instead, she sank into his chest, scooting over just enough for him to settle in beside her on the bed. Shepard didn’t cry, she simply relaxed into him, and even more shocking than that, she wrapped her own arms around Vega’s waist in turn.

“Are you still having nightmares?”

It was really all the commander could think of to say, his head a muddled mess by her unexpected shift. No matter how different Zoe claimed to be, with every new moment he spent with her so far, he could easily tell she hadn’t changed as much as she thought she had; bitter and despondent one minute, tender and playful the next. Oh, how the sudden swings in mood had frustrated him in the past, yet drawn him ever closer over the months. And now was proving to be no different.

“Sometimes,” Shepard admitted softly, nuzzling her nose into his collar bone, “But I’m better at taking my medication these days. Not that I have much of a choice. So they mostly stay away.”

“Good,” Vega lowered his lips to her hair, pressing them to the tangled mop and squeezing her just a little tighter, “I can’t stay much longer. I want to, but I’ve got work…”

“James,” Zoe pulled back suddenly, gripping at his biceps so firmly that her nails dug ever so slightly into his skin, “Can I kiss you?”

The commander’s eyes shot wide at the question, “Can you— are— are you sure that’s a good idea?”

She nodded rapidly, her brow scrunched and irises glistening in desperation, “Maybe it will trigger something. I don’t know, it might not, I just… I need you to kiss me. I need to know what it feels like from something other than a fuzzy memory.”

“But, Shepard—”

“Please, Jimmy?”

At the sound of the familiar nickname, there wasn’t much he could bring himself to do except oblige the request. James brought his hands to her face, peering into her eyes with warm sincerity, and not a moment later, dropped his mouth to hers. Zoe’s lips were as silky and inviting as always, maybe more so now than they’d ever been. As she deepened the kiss, her arms snaked around his neck, urging him closer, and he could feel her trembling under his cautious touch.

“Whoa, did I miss something?”

Vega sprung back, hopping off the bed, startled by Jack’s sudden intrusion, a blush instantly rising to his cheeks. Shepard cleared her throat, her own cheeks flaring a similar pinkish color as she eyed the younger girl with a mix of amusement and frustration.

“Not… exactly,” Zoe stuttered, smoothing out the rumpled bed sheet across her lap, “We were just talking and, well…”

“Right. I don’t need to know,” Jack sauntered over and thrust a mug of strong, dark coffee in the other girl’s direction, “Here, just like you like it, Princess. Black as your soul.”

The former commander snorted a laugh and accepted the proffered beverage, “Thanks, Jack. You’re the best.”

“You look guilty as a thief in church, Hoss,” the tattooed biotic snickered, “Don’t worry, I only caught the tail end of it. And your secret is safe with me.”

Vega shuffled his feet, eyeing the door nervously, “Whatever. Look, I’ve got a lot of work to do so, I should go.”

“Hey, that’s my line.”

Zoe tossed him a cheeky grin over the rim of her cup as she blew a light puff of air across it, taking him back to the day he’d talked Anderson into letting her out into the courtyard when she’d been on house arrest. Did she remember that day? Or was it another of the many things that had been lost along the way? He could recall it as clearly as if it had happened that morning — it was, after all, the day he’d really fallen for her.

“Sorry, I, uh…” James stammered, suddenly feeling excruciatingly uncomfortable, “I—I’ll try to come back soon, if you want.”

“Yeah. As soon as you can,” Shepard nodded, concern clouding her face at his sudden change in demeanor, “See you, Jimmy.”

Vega didn’t speak another word as he practically dashed from the room, escaping into the hallway and letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He couldn’t have said why the emotions had flooded through him like a tsunami, why the kiss had practically decimated his heart. Shepard was well on her road to recovery; the only place for her to go now was up. And yet, a part of him was still filled to the brim with fear for her.

If he knew anything about Zoe, it was that she wouldn’t stay sentient for long. Once she was back on her feet entirely, she’d be out in the fray again, searching for bigger, more powerful evils to strike down. It was in her nature to be a hero, and she’d already escaped certain death twice now. Even with her luck, a third resurrection in the future was a long shot. However, he also knew that he couldn’t keep her away from it. James had never been the kind of person to try to step between Shepard and danger, unless her life was seriously at stake. Even then, she scarcely allowed him to. If he actually got her back, he could just as easily lose her again — next time, potentially for good.

She had told him it was a risk being with her, and he’d told her he would keep going no matter what happened. But after losing her once, knowing what it felt like to live without her, he seriously doubted he could repeat, a second time, the courageous and apathetic actions that had gotten him this far without her. He’d been doing no more than going through the motions when he’d been in training; unthinking, unfeeling, with his mind on nothing more than getting it over with. James couldn’t remember a time in his life when he’d felt so absolutely numb than those weeks sequestered to the N7 complex.

Now that he had run across this line of thought, something else hit him — who was to say, if he, himself, had ever been sent back out into the chaos of battle, that he wouldn’t have thrown himself headfirst into it? Would he have been just as careless and foolhardy as he had been after Fehl Prime? Would he have fought so hard, so recklessly, that he would have gladly joined her in death, had that been the case? The theory wasn’t something he had to ponder at length, because he knew without a shadow of doubt, that was how it would have been. James would have died fighting, content for it to be over, and with his last breath he’d have prayed to meet her on the other side.

But Zoe was alive, retrieving the memories of their bond little by little, and when he finally passed through the door of his small, ramshackle apartment his mind automatically went to the gift Jack had delivered earlier. The commander reclined on the sofa and settled in to read the short excerpt. It was only a few paragraphs long, but the honest, humorous, heart-felt admissions that the short passage held stole Vega’s breath right out of his lungs.

_“And that was also the day that I met Lieutenant James Vega._

_Before I go any further, let me tell you a little about the lieutenant. No person details, no background — if you’re curious about that, you can ask him yourself. James Vega never gets tired of talking about James Vega. It’s one of the first things I fell in loathing and love with. Get him started on the topic, and the stories never cease. But it wasn’t the stories I fell hard for, it was the way he told them; full of a vigor and flame that could dwarf the most massive forest fire. Enthusiasm practically seeps from every pore when the anecdote starts to get good. And the faces — goodness help me, the silly expressions and gestures when he really gets into it. Of course, I’m sure the majority of those epic tales were a little exaggerated, but if there’s anything I love in this galaxy, it’s a good storyteller, and Mr. James Vega stands with the greats in that department._

_But, now I’m rambling, as I am wont to do when this particular subject graces my thought-process. I’ve always been a woman that kept her head on straight, her eyes firmly planted in the direction of solitude. My future was set, as far as I was concerned — consistently alone until the day I lost my life fighting for the lives of others. I didn’t mind the idea one bit, of falling on the sword never sincerely having held another person’s heart inside my own. James changed all that with just a few words and a couple of weeks in my presence. He doesn’t know this, and I’m not sure I’d ever admit it out loud, but I have loved him since the beginning. Actually, I’m not even sure I realized it for what it was at the time. Never did I ever believe in love at first sight, but ‘love at first sight in hindsight’ is an idea I can fully get behind now that I’ve experienced it first-hand._

_I’m sure, as you read further, it will be clear to you just how easily and quickly our innocent flirtations developed into something more. We have no lack of things in common. Kindred spirits may even be putting it lightly. When Lieutenant James Vega stepped into my life I felt as if a piece of myself that had been missing my entire life had suddenly slid into place. I hate to ruin the rest of the narrative for you, but by the time you read this, if the Reapers haven’t completely obliterated the whole of us, I have a feeling you’ll have heard our story’s conclusion on the vids anyway. I intend to spend the rest of my life with him, if he’ll ever have me. No one else after him will be enough.”_


	37. A Long Time Coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. Just a note before we get into this chapter - I'm going out of town for several days and when I get back I'll be starting a new job (at GameStop, weeeeee!) so I'm not a hundred precent sure how frequently I'll be able to upload chapters from now on, but I won't abandon you guys, I swear! Hopefully I'll have time to upload at least one chapter when I get back from my 'vacation' before I get into the work flow and we'll just have to see how it goes from there.

James had hoped to return to the hospital much sooner, but responsibilities attached to his new position had been keeping him busy for longer than he'd anticipated. There was a bright side to being gone for over a week, however. Somehow, Shepard had managed to convince the nurses to let her contact him via omni-tool. She kept him updated on her progress, and the news was exceedingly positive. Her memories were returning in leaps and bounds, thanks to Miranda's diligence and loyal support.

Jack had been staying around as well, talking her through the hardest moments, offering a shoulder when things became overwhelming. Zoe's message from the night before informed him that they'd finally started the process of repairing her legs. The tech wasn't everything it had been when Miranda had access to the unlimited resources and funds that came with working for Cerberus, so things were slow going, but progressive nonetheless.

As much as Shepard had told him, she still wasn't specific about which memories were returning and which still lay buried in her subconscious. James boarded the shuttle to the hospital, nervous and trying not to get his hopes up. Somewhere along the way, he'd picked up her habit of wringing his hands together when he became agitated, and he found himself doing it the whole ride there. When he finally arrived, he was greeted at the entry doors by Jack propped casually in her usual spot.

"Hey, Jimmy Jam. How's it hangin'?" she pushed herself away from the pillar she'd been leaning on and sauntered towards him.

Vega brushed past her, eager to get into the building, "I'm good. How've you been?"

"I wasn't askin' about your disposition, cowboy," Jack waggled her eyebrows suggestively as she followed him inside.

He purposefully ignored her teasing, tromping towards the elevator as fast as he could without breaking into a jog, "How's she doing today?"

"She's doing some physical therapy right now. It'll be a little while before they let you in. Jimmy, I need to tell you something," she grabbed his arm and pulled him back to stop him, "It's not good. They hit some kind of wall with the tech they've been working on to fix her body. Her mind's mostly back, but Miranda said there's a chance her legs will never heal completely. The way it's going right now, it's looking like she won't be getting back to work any time soon… if ever."

"What? Why? They rebuilt her from the ground up before. What's holding them back now?" James' brow creased with fear and concern.

" _They_ didn't rebuild her before, Cerberus did. And those bastards had a lot more funding and manpower at their fingertips than the whole damn world does right now," the biotic cocked her head back, crossing her arms and leaning all her weight on one foot, "Hackett sent in extra funds to help, but with all the overhaul they're having to do here on Earth — the thousands of casualties and injured laying around everywhere — it shouldn't really be any surprise, if you think about it. Shepard's an important person, but she's only one person, and any single person can be replaced… evidenced by your recent promotion, right, _Commander_?"

"Don't go there, Jack," James raised a stiff finger, pointing it warningly in her direction, "You know everyone thought she was dead when they offered me that. I've fought enough with myself, _and_ with her, over it. I don't need this shit from you, too."

Jack shook her head, dropping her arms and shifting her stance to something a little less confrontational, "Dammit, I'm… Ugh, I'm _sorry_. This shit just doesn't sit right with me. I've never been the kind of person that wanted to help anyone but myself, but I just wish there was something else I could do for her. She's my best… maybe my _only_ friend."

"We'll figure out a way to get her back on her feet, Loca. I swear my life on it," he turned and jabbed the elevator control.

"You may be a fuckin' meathead, Hoss, but Shepard's lucky to have you," she followed him into the open doors, and leaned heavily into the corner of the small enclosure, "You know, she remembered those two, uh… trysts you guys had before the last battle."

"What?" his eyes shot wide with shock, "She fuckin' told you that?"

"Yuuup, every _sexy_ little detail," she threw him a teasing wink.

"Dammit, had to be you there when she remembered, didn't it?" James ran his fingers through his hair, rolling his eyes in annoyance.

"I'm just kidding, dumb ass. She didn't tell me everything, just most of it. I filled in the blanks with my imagination," the biotic girl grinned devilishly, as the door slid open in front of them, "I did beat one interesting thing out of her though. Apparently, you're not just packing the meat in your biceps…"

"Dios, Loca, shut the hell up," Vega felt heat rise to his cheeks, as he stormed away from her towards the waiting room.

Jack picked up her pace to match his long strides, "Don't be embarrassed, Jimmy Jam! Shep and I are practically sisters, we're supposed to talk about stuff like that!"

James stepped up towards the reception desk and waved to get the nurse's attention, "Fine, whatever, but I don't need to know what you two talk about when you do your girly gossip thing."

"Oh, there wasn't anything girly or ladylike about the words she was using," her merciless teasing drew a threatening glare from the brutish marine, "Sorry, sorry. Consider it dropped."

After another minute of waiting, the receptionist approached with a sunny smile, "How can I help you?"

"I'm here to visit a patient, Zoe Shepard," he brandished his ID card for the woman to scan into the system.

" _Heeeey, Gloriaaaa,_ " Jack plastered a cheesy grin across her face and the nurse's eyes shifted nervously.

"Hi, Jack. Here to see Shepard, too?"

"Not this time, baby. I came to take you for a spin," she waggled her tongue vulgarly at the visibly skittish woman, as she repeated Vega's actions with her own pass.

Nurse Gloria shot James a questioning glance, "She's… she's messing with me, right?"

"Yeah, she does that a lot," he snorted a laugh, and took the card, slipping it back into his pocket.

"Damn, Hoss, quit bein' a kill joy," Jack sneered, her ribbing quelled for the time being.

"She'll be finishing up her therapy in the next few minutes, Commander. You can go on in if you want."

"Thanks, honey pot," the tattooed biotic threw a flirty wink at Gloria, before following James down the hallway towards Shepard's room.

As they neared the door, Miranda appeared from it suddenly, taking notes on a data pad in her hands. She lifted her head to see them approaching and raised a hand to wave them forward.

"Hello, James, it's been a while… and Jack, back again so soon?" the statuesque brunette didn't even attempt to mask the disgusted look on her face when addressing the other woman.

Jack returned the nauseated expression with equal verve, "I've been here every day this week, Cheerleader. Shepard's my friend and I'm not going anywhere any time in the near future,"

Miranda turned her attention to James, "I thought you'd be back sooner, for sure."

"I tried, but I had some things to take care of — N7 business," he shrugged, feeling worse about it inside than he was willing to let on, "How's it going?"

"A lot of ups and downs, as you can imagine. We hit a road block today with the tech—" she was quickly interrupted by Jack.

"Yeah, I already filled him in, sweetheart. You know, it's complimentary to send your patients' significant others some kind of correspondence when things are starting to go south," Jack chastised, pursing her lips, her tone biting and judgmental.

"We've had a lot on our plates around here. Not all of us have the opportunity to loiter around a hospital room at all hours shooting the breeze with our friends," Miranda spat defensively, "The point is, she'll be glad to see you, Commander. She hasn't been in the best of spirits since we told her the news this morning. Maybe you should come with me and give them some time alone, Jack."

"I'll do what I want, princess," the angst ridden woman curled her lip.

"Just… a few minutes, okay, Loca?" James requested carefully.

"Fine, whatever," with that, Jack spun on her heals and stomped back in the direction they'd come.

"Bloody witch," Miranda seethed under her breath at the retreating form.

James snickered lightly, "She's not so bad, once you get past the psychotic, intense, terrifying exterior."

"Say that after she spends an evening screaming in your face and throwing her biotics at you," the brunette shook her head in annoyance at the thought, "Anyway, they're done in there, so you're free to go on in whenever you're ready."

"Thanks, Miranda. See ya," he threw his hand up to wave as she departed, and turned to enter the room.

Vega stepped inside to see Shepard being helped back into bed by what he assumed was the physical therapist. Her legs were still purpled with marks and bruises, shaking as she pushed herself up on her toes to reach the mattress — but she was standing, albeit with help. That counted for something at least. When she was settled, she lifted her gaze to see him standing there, leaning against the doorframe, a welcome sight after the many disappointments of the past few days.

"James!" Zoe sprang forward, forgetting herself for a moment, but he ran to her and caught her just before she could topple to the floor.

"Hey there, Lola. Don't get ahead of yourself," Vega pulled her up until her toes were just barely grazing the floor, and went to sit her back on the bed, but she threw her arms around his neck before he could let her down.

"I'm so glad you're here. I missed you," she breathed the words into his ear, sending a warm tingle down his spine.

"Now, this is the kinda greeting I've been hoping for," he held her tight, and if he had the choice, he honestly would never have let her go.

Shepard pulled her head back so she could look him in the eyes, "I'm so sorry about everything, Jimmy. I didn't… there are still things that are missing, but it's coming back. I can't believe you'd still come around after some of the stuff I said to you that first day you came to visit."

"If you're alright, Miss Shepard, I'll just leave you two alone," the wide-eyed therapist scuttled out of the door hastily.

James let out a throaty chuckle, "You had your reasons. You wanna sit down?"

"Not really, but I probably should," her smile was brilliant, the sight of it making his heart leap into his throat.

He lowered her easily down on the mattress and took a seat beside her, "So, you're remembering things… Jack told me you remembered something pretty specific."

"I should have figured she wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut about that," Zoe rolled her eyes, her grin unwavering now that he was here with her, "It wasn't just the parts about the sex, it was almost the entirety of those two days… It came back to me the other night. I thought at first that it was just another mind trick, but it felt too real, and it was too detailed, to just be my imagination."

"Is that the only thing that came back?" he inquired, his curiosity piqued.

"No, but it's hard to tell the things that might still be missing. And what order the memories go in. Which reminds me… the night at the casino… was that the first time we kissed?"

"You mean that time you jumped me?" he nudged her arm playfully with his elbow, "Nah, the first time was while we were after Leviathan, before Ash stuck her nose in."

"Right. I wasn't completely sure which one came first," she pushed back with her shoulder, both of them obviously glad to have their flirtatious dynamic blossoming back to normalcy, "And I didn't jump you, I was trying to create a diversion. But, good on you trying to pull one over on the crippled girl. Real classy, Vega."

Shepard placed a hand lightly on his thigh and leaned into him, so he slipped his arm around her waist to pull her close. It was still strange having her be so affectionate when just a week prior she'd been ready to take his head off with an omni-blade. That was really nothing new, though — she'd always had a proclivity towards jumping from one extreme to the next. It was among the myriad of things that made knowing her such an interesting experience.

"So, where do we go from here?" it was a loaded question, but one James felt was important to solidify an answer to.

"I'm not going anywhere for a while. I heard Miranda talking to you in the hall, so I guess you already know," he couldn't see her face, but he could hear the sadness trickling into her voice.

"We'll get through it, one way or another. And I'll be here with you the whole way, no matter what happens," he placed a sweet kiss to the top of her head, "Whatever pieces are still missing, I'll help you put them back together as long as you never forget one thing."

"What's that?" Shepard raised her head to look at him, the sparkle in her eyes dancing and dazzling as it had ever been.

He returned the penetrating gaze, saying the words as much with his soul as with his lips, "I love you, Zoe."

"I remember… I love you too, James," in that moment, her last lingering bits of sorrow and regret melted away, "Bésame."

Damn, he loved hearing that word slip forth from her lips. James raised a hand to brush her cheek, but she pulled it back. The scar on her face was deep and rigid, and would most likely remain that way for quite a while. She'd been trying hard not to be self-conscious about it, but the thought of him seeing her, touching her like that made her uncharacteristically skittish. He sensed her hesitation and pulled his hand easily away from hers, placing it on her cheek as he'd originally intended, stroking the ragged mark gently with his thumb.

"Listen to me, Zoe. There's not a thing in the galaxy that could make you imperfect to me."

With that said, he dropped his lips to hers, the kiss wholehearted and invigorating and everything Shepard needed to push her shame aside, once and for all. When she pulled back, her smile was almost luminescent, and quite literally breathtaking.

"I hope you know I feel the same way. I really am sorry about overreacting before. And there are no hard feelings, I promise. I'm really proud of you… Commander."

It had felt odd enough hearing the rest of the crew call him that, but for Zoe to say it, without a hint of sarcasm or disdain — with actual pride in her voice — was beyond strange. She was getting better, and soon she would be on her feet again. The last thing he wanted to do was replace her, but James knew that once she was inevitably reinstated and he handed the Normandy back over to her, he'd be reassigned right away. A different ship, a new crew, and worst of all, they'd be separated for long periods of time with little to no communication in between.

It wasn't something Vega was ready to face, so he forced the thought down, as he brought his lips to hers again. Zoe lifted her hands to his neck, gripping tightly, urging him to deepen the kiss. The desperation in her movements was hopeful now, instead of fearful, as it had been the day before. She pulled James in closer, and he snaked his arms around her back, sliding his hands into the slit at the back of her hospital gown, running his fingers leisurely along her spine, and reveling in the feel of her warm, soft flesh. It was a sensation he'd sincerely thought he'd never experience again, and he might have cried if he wasn't so happy to have her back with him.

A moment later, Miranda stepped into the room and cleared her throat politely, "Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. Shepard, Admiral Hackett would like to speak with you in the hospital's comm room. He says it's very important."

Zoe pulled back a bit and straightened up, "Do you know what it's about?"

"Not exactly," the brunette shook her head, "But I've been keeping him updated on your progress. He seems pleased by the improvement you've made. Shepard… I think he might be preparing to reinstate you."

"What?!" Shepard's eyes shot wide in disbelief, "Already? I'm not even walking without help yet!"

"True, but as fast as you've been progressing, we expect it will only take a few more treatments get you to that point, even with the hang ups in the tech. You may still have a limp in your left leg, but you should be recovered enough for light work," Miranda looked considerably hopeful, but Zoe wasn't entirely convinced, "Anyway, Hackett mentioned something about a problem that's arisen on the Citadel. I assume he wants your help rectifying the situation."

"Of course he does," Shepard let out an exasperated breath, "What else? Why doesn't he just get James to take care of it? The commander is perfectly capable of handling whatever it is."

"I appreciate the vote of confidence, Lola," Vega interjected, "but if Hackett thought I could handle it, something tells me he wouldn't be asking for you. You should at least talk to him. See what's up. If I think it's something I can take on, and you're not up for it, I'll do my best to change his mind, but it won't hurt to find out."

Zoe grumbled indignantly, but relented, "Fine. But I'm not going in this damn gown, that's for sure."

"The commander had some clothes sent over for you. They're in the closet over there. If you need help, I can call one of the nurses—"

Shepard cut the other woman off quickly, "No, that's okay, we can handle it."

"Of course," the brunette nodded, "The comm room for this floor is behind the nurses' station. Gloria will be expecting you. She'll let you in whenever you're ready."

"Alright. Thanks Miri. James, can you get my clothes?"

At that, Miranda took her leave, closing and locking the door behind her, as Vega crossed to the closet to retrieve Shepard's things. He brought them to her, laying them out on the bed as she shrugged the gown down her arms and yanked it off, throwing it haphazardly onto the floor.

"God, I hate that stupid thing," Zoe growled, as she plucked her bra and t-shirt from the pile, "Hundreds of years of advancement. Space exploration. New technological developments every year. And yet, they can't invent a hospital gown that doesn't show your ass to the entire galaxy."

Vega couldn't help but allow his eyes to scan her exposed form, and since she didn't seem to be embarrassed in the least, he didn't try to hide it either. Shepard lifted her gaze to his, throwing a wicked grin his way. The fact that James didn't seem thrown off by any of the numerous scars and bruises that marred her now brought a strong feeling of confidence cresting to the surface.

"Quicky?" she winked, slipping her hand into his and pulling him closer.

James let out a light laugh as he set himself between her knees and dropped a series of kisses to her neck, "I like the way you think, but maybe another time. You really shouldn't keep the admiral waiting. Besides, don't you want the second first time to be a little more special than a quicky in the hospital?"

"Mm, you have a point I guess," Shepard ran her foot up the back of his leg, and brought her hands around to his ass, pressing his hips closer, "You really are something else, Vega. Not many guys would turn down a naked woman because they want the 'second first time' to be just as special as the 'first first time'."

"You've always been worth waiting for, hermosa," he whispered in her ear, circling his hands around to her stomach to caress the taut flesh of her abdomen.

Zoe's belly trembled under the touch and she sucked in a sharp breath when his palms traveled higher. He cupped her breast, running his thumbs across h nipples as he sucked at the curve of her shoulder, where the deepest scar marked her throat.

"Okay, Commander. Don't get me started or you're not going to be able to turn me off," Shepard purred, dragging her nails up his back, over the soft cotton of his shirt, "I can't believe I almost lost what this felt like."

James reluctantly ceased his conquest, stepping away from her, but trailing his eyes along her one final time before turning to retrieve her pants from the bed, "It would've come back to you eventually, even without all Miranda's crazy tech stuff."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Jimmy," she sighed, as she slipped on her bra and t-shirt, "It was bad. I was a mess. I don't know how I survived it, to be honest. Miranda said that I'd lost so much blood, any other person would have died. But, I can remember bits and pieces now. I remember…"

Vega knelt down in front of her and slipped her pants up her legs, helping her shimmy them into place, before coaxing her on, "What did you remember?"

"The Keepers. They came to me and gave me some kind of strange food and water. They even nursed my wounds a bit. They weren't there often, but enough to keep me going until the Alliance scouts found me. The Keepers were the ones who set off the distress beacon on my omni-tool," she looked positively confounded by the admission, "But I don't understand why. I thought they worked for the Reapers, at least in a way. Why would they try to save me?"

"Maybe since you destroyed the Reapers, they were grateful," he shrugged, as confused by the implication as she was, "You set them free, so they were trying to repay you?"

"I suppose," Shepard scooted to the edge of the mattress and James held out a hand to help her hop down, "I still don't understand, but I'm thankful for it, I guess. At the end, when I met the Catalyst and he told me I had to die regardless of what I chose, I accepted it. I was ready for it to be over, if it meant the world would finally be at peace. But, while I was lying there slipping away… all I could think of was everything that had been lost, all the friends and people I didn't even know. And those days on the Citadel; how all I wanted to do was go back there with you, and have a life — a real life, with a future that didn't involve war and death."

"Wait, you met the Catalyst?" Vega's brow furrowed in confusion, "I thought the Citadel was the Catalyst?"

"We were wrong. The Catalyst was an AI built into the Citadel. But, I suppose I destroyed him when I destroyed the Reapers," Zoe slid an arm around his waist and James helped her across the room as she continued, "He gave me a choice. He said I could control the Reapers, destroy them and all other AI in the galaxy, or I could unite organics and synthetics as one. I knew that the Illusive Man wanted me to control the Reapers… and he was indoctrinated. So, I assumed that's what they wanted the whole time — to have someone powerful control them. What if I was indoctrinated and I just fought through it? I shot David. Something was controlling me, and I shot him. He's dead because of me."

Shepard started to slump in his grasp, but Vega pulled her to, supporting her weight as he fought against the confusion brimming inside his brain to maintain a calm demeanor, "If they were trying to control you, you didn't have a choice. It's not your fault, Lola. I'm sure you did everything you could to stop it. And I know he doesn't blame you, so don't blame yourself."

Zoe nodded but her face was a cloud of despondency, "He said he was proud of me before he died. He was like a father to me. I can't believe he's gone."

It was obviously something she either hadn't remembered yet, or something she hadn't allowed herself to mourn until this moment. As they crossed out into the hallway, James felt her take in a deep breath to steady herself. He held her a little tighter, overcome with pity for her and everything she must have endured in those last few moments before everything came screeching to a halt.

"It's gonna be alright, Zoe. I'm here, okay? When we get back from this thing with Hackett, we'll talk it out. I'll stay here with you tonight if you want me to."

"Don't you have stuff to do?"

"Oh yeah, a fuckin' laundry list. But you're more important than all that."

As they approached the station, Nurse Gloria greeted them with her typical sunny smile, "Miss Shepard, good to see you up and walking around. Admiral Hackett is waiting for you, go on back."

When they passed into the office, Shepard was expecting to see the familiar blue glow of a holograph, but to her surprise, Hackett was there in the flesh, pacing in front of the vid comm.

"Admiral!" Zoe stood at attention and saluted as best she could manage while still clinging to Vega's steadying frame, "I wasn't expecting you to be here in person."

"Shepard, it's good to see you. I wanted to get a look at your progress for myself. Lawson says you're doing well. Have a seat," he pulled a chair for Zoe, and James helped her down into it, as Hackett turned his attention away from her for the time being, "Commander Vega, how's your leg of the rehabilitation project going?"

"As well as can be expected, sir. Still a lot of losses being found in the wreckage, but the refugee camps are thriving. No shortage of supplies thanks to the efforts of our allies. As for the rebuild, it's slow, but progressive. More and more people are recovering enough from their injuries every day to pitch in. We'll have the first apartments renovated and move-in ready within the next week, if all continues to go as well as it is now."

Zoe felt a surge of pride spark through her soul as she watched James speak; his arms crossed loosely in front of his chest, his head tossed back confidently, his tone assertive and bold. He was almost like a different person now, sure of himself in a way he had never quite been able to allow himself before. The same thought crossed her mind that had his only moments earlier — if she was, in fact, reinstated in this meeting, they would inevitably be torn apart. Shepard wouldn't get the privilege of seeing him settle into his new position and thrive. She dropped her head, wringing her hands together nervously, the conversation the two men were having instantly drowned out by her thundering thoughts.

If accepting the proposition that was about to be laid in front of her meant not being able to see him in all the freedom that being a commander would allow him, she would most definitely reject it. Zoe decided right then that she would only go along with whatever the admiral needed her to do if he was prepared to demote her and leave her on the Normandy as a lieutenant or some other lower position. She'd rather serve under Vega, leave the hard decisions to someone else, than be parted from him entirely. They had come close enough to losing each other too many times in the past; it wouldn't happen again, not if she had anything to say about it.

"Good to hear, Commander. Now, onto the more pressing issue of the Citadel," Hackett took a seat across from Zoe, narrowing his eyes at her pointedly, "It's not good, Shepard. The Council hasn't been able to return since they were evacuated, and their absence has allowed a less than desirable presence to take the reigns of control. I don't know if you're aware, but the Citadel lost a large number of citizens in the fallout of your actions. I'm not sure what happened there, or if it could have been avoided, but thankfully, there were more survivors than casualties."

"It wasn't avoidable, trust me," Shepard interrupted, suddenly recalling how infuriatingly long winded the older man could be, "With all due respect, can we get to the point, Admiral?"

"The point is, as I said, someone else has taken control of the Citadel. Someone with a lot of fire power and a reputation for holding grudges. I'm afraid the commander is on her bad side, so much so that he would be unable to sway her, but you… as far as I'm aware, the two of you have a decent rapport. I'm hoping you can talk some sense into her."

" _Aria?_ " Zoe let out a loud burst of laughter, "Aria took over the Citadel? Oh, that's rich."

"The Council doesn't find the situation quite so amusing," Hackett shifted back in his seat, rapping his fingers impatiently upon the table top, "She's turned almost the entire remaining population of the place against them — under your influence."

"What?! What do I have to do with anything?"

"Except for your comrades, no one knows you're alive, Shepard. We've kept your survival under wraps, because we were afraid of the backlash it might cause. Little did we know, your supposed death may be proving even more problematic. She's convinced them all you're their savior. That you're some kind of martyr that ascended to godhood when you defeated the Reapers, and that she was chosen by you to lead them into the next age."

"Wow… this just gets better and better," Zoe wasn't laughing now, as she set her elbows on the cold metallic surface and covered her paling cheeks with her hands, "So, what exactly do you want me to do? You can't just expect me to walk in there and turn the tides when everyone thinks I'm dead. I already had one clone. Who's to say Aria will even trust me enough to let me in?"

"We've considered that. Which is why we've decided to leak the information that you made it out safely. Give us a few days to get the news circulating. By then, they'll be expecting you to appear somehow, somewhere, and we'll be ready if they try anything rash. Until then, you'll have time to complete whatever steps are necessary for your recovery, and when the time comes, you'll be reinstated."

"No! I don't want to be reinstated. At least, I don't want to be in charge anymore. Demote me if you have to, I'm not leaving the Normandy. And neither is Commander Vega."

"What the hell are you talking about Shepard?" James interjected, "The Normandy belongs to you. I promised you I'd hand it over when this happened."

"I know what you said, Jimmy," Zoe dropped her hands to the table and turned a resolute glare to Vega, "But I don't care. That ship is rightfully yours now — you earned your place. I don't want my command back, not if it means—"

"Hold on, now," Hackett cut in, "I think you misunderstand me, Shepard. We're not reinstating you as commander. We're promoting you. I don't want to jump the gun, but… Congratulations, _Captain_ Shepard. The Normandy will soon be back in your capable hands, with Mr. Vega here as your second in command."

"Wha— _Captain?_ " she shook her head in disbelief, "Admiral, no disrespect against your judgement, but I'm nowhere near as able as I once was."

"That's the perk of being captain instead of commander. You're not required to go on any ground missions, unless you're fully determined to do so. That's Vega's job now. We need you back out there, Shepard; even if it's only as a voice and face for the Alliance. One last mission that requires your personal presence, and then you're free to spend the rest of your days behind a desk if you so desire."

"Oh, I _don't_ desire that… but I don't really have a choice at this point, either," the newly appointed captain let out a defeated breath, "Fine. I'll do it. But sir, there's something you need to know about the commander and I before we go any further."

"Shepard—" James knew where she was going with this, and attempted to stop her, but she quickly shut him up.

"No, Jimmy, he needs to know. I'm not hiding this anymore. If he really wants me back out there he's just going to have to accept it."

"Is this about your relationship with Commander Vega?" Hackett raised an eyebrow inquisitively and Zoe's eyes shot wide in surprise.

"How did you know?"

"The commander already informed me. We've gone ahead and filed all the necessary paperwork. We just need you to sign a few forms and the two of you will be in the clear. Congratulations on that too, by the way. I never saw you as the type to settle down, Shepard, but it's good to know you're doing something for yourself for a change."

"You too? What the hell is it about me that makes everyone think I needed romance in my life?"

"On the contrary, Captain. You don't need _anyone_ to be successful. It's simply heartening to see that you allowed yourself to be selfish for a change. You've given everything that you possibly could to secure the safety of the galaxy. You deserve to be happy, just as much as anyone else."

"I… thank you, admiral," Zoe reclined back in the chair, running her fingers through her hair, still not quite able to grasp the reality of anything that had been said by the older man thus far, "So that's it then? We just wait a few days while Miri does her magic, then we confront Aria? Seems simple enough."

Hackett let a lighthearted chuckle escape, "You should know better than anyone that things are rarely as simple as we anticipate them to be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more note before we part for a time - I have never played the Omega DLC (only watched videos on the Tube of You) so that's why I didn't include it in the game-centric portion of this fic. But, that also made it possible for me to come up with the idea for this next part of the story! It will be nothing like the Omega DLC, just so you know. It's an entirely new narrative! From the brain of yours truly! So, I hope you stick around to see what happens. And as always, have a lovely day!


	38. A Place to Call Home

“I can’t believe it. A promotion… Captain… _Captain_ Shepard. That sounds so strange, doesn’t it?”

Zoe lay reclined back in the hospital bed, rubbing at her forehead with both hands. No matter how many times she said the title, out loud or in her head, it just didn’t seem real. James sat at the end of the mattress, watching her mull over the situation with an amused expression. He picked up her left foot and tugged off her boot, tossing it to the ground and repeating the process with the other, before commencing a much needed foot rub.

“You deserve it, hermosa. And I can’t say I’m not glad we’re still gonna be working together. I was a little worried when I thought he was gonna give you back your command. I mean, I wanted you to have it more than anything, but I think we both know what that would’ve meant.”

“Yeah, I was pretty terrified myself,” Shepard groaned softly when he hit a particularly sore spot in her arch, “Geez, you’re good at that. I didn’t even realize they hurt so bad until you started.”

Vega wasn’t too keen on considering what could have happened, especially since the matter had been avoided, so he quickly changed the subject, “You wanna tell me some more about what happened on the Citadel?”

“Can we talk about it later? I just want to forget about everything right now. It’s just been… so much to take in at once this past week. With getting so many memories back at once, and now this. My brain has been in overdrive. It needs a little cooling off period before we get back into that.”

“Take as much time as you need, Lola. I’m not going anywhere any time soon,” James set her feet down gently and scooted further up the mattress, “Turn over. I bet your back’s killin’ you with all this laying down.”

“Jimmy, you don’t have to—”

“Just turn over, Zoe.”

After a few moments of staring each other down with stubborn expressions, Shepard finally acquiesced, rolling over onto her stomach with his assistance and settling her arms under her cheek. He started at her shoulders, rubbing deep circles into the tensity that ran along them, finding every knot and trigger point as if his fingers were an extension of her. It was almost like James could predict the spots where she needed relief the most before she could even direct him to them. It struck Zoe then, how expertly it seemed he’d always been able to read her. The closer they’d grown over the months that led up to this point the stronger the connection had become. She was baffled by the fact that nothing she’d done to push him away had been able to break that bond.

“Why me?” Shepard whispered into her forearm, suddenly overcome with a flood of unexpected emotion.

“Right time, right place,” James guessed, not quite grasping the meaning of the question at first, “Like you said before, it could have been just about anyone that was dedicated enough in your shoes, including me.”

“No… not that. I mean you… why would you pick me? I’ve never been anything but trouble. And you’ve always been so good to me. You always came back, no matter how hard I tried to make you forget me. I know why it started, I know why you wanted to like me, but I don’t understand why you stayed…”

Vega’s hand went still on her spine for a moment, before he pulled it away to slide his fingers through her wavy hair, “Honestly, I didn’t believe in fate until that night we left the Cerberus base — when you went into that fight drunk off your ass, then fell asleep in the shuttle on the way back.”

“The night you put me to bed?” Zoe exhaled a small chuckle at the memory, turning on her side and sliding back so that he could lay beside her, “God, I was such a wreck. But… what do you mean?”

James settled into the mattress facing Shepard, snaking one arm under the pillow, as he continued to caress her hair with his opposite hand. The bed was almost too small for both of them to fit comfortably, but like so many other things in their short history together, they made it work.

“Before, I always saw you as this superhuman that didn’t need anybody. But whatever Melloria did to you… I don’t know… it’s not that I felt like I had to fix you, I just wanted to always be there if you needed me. Twice that day you said ‘I’ve got you’. The second time you said it, when we were back in your cabin, was when it really hit me. I felt like there was a reason why Anderson picked me to be your guard. I don’t know if he saw something in me or if it was a random coincidence, but that night, it just felt like fate. I didn’t doubt anymore why I was lucky enough to be there.”

She edged closer to him, slinking down to bury her face in his chest, “I did need you. I don’t just mean as a lover either. I have a lot of friends, but getting to that point with them was always a struggle. I couldn't open up. I always felt awkward and misunderstood, like I had to put on some kind of front. I had to become ‘Commander Shepard’. But with you, it was different, easy. We clicked from the very beginning, somehow. Granted, we’ve always had our share of problems, but there wasn’t a single second that I doubted our friendship. I’m glad you stopped seeing me as some kind of untouchable hero long enough to let me just be me.”

“I stopped seeing you like that a while ago. I mean, you’ll always be a hero to me, but there was something Anderson told me before he brought me back to Earth that stuck with me; he said that I didn’t know you like I thought I did, that the media version of you and the real you were two entirely different people. And damned if he wasn’t right about that.”

“Did he say anything else?” Zoe grinned at the idea of James and David talking about her on such a personal level before she’d even met the young marine, “Nothing bad, I hope.”

“Nah, he said he thought we’d get along well, help each other work out our issues,” Vega couldn’t help but smile himself, as he placed a kiss to her forehead, “Guess he was right about that too.”

“I suppose I can add that to the list of things to be grateful to him for,” she tilted her head back to peer up at him, “Do you realize we’ve only known each other for a little over a year? You don’t think we moved too fast, do you?”

“Well, in our defense, we spent almost every day together since the minute we met, so technically we spent about triple the amount of time most couples do together in the first year. So, no, not really. Why? Do you?”

“No, not at all. Honestly, I would have been happy if we could have moved a little faster — if certain things hadn’t gotten in the way,” Shepard dropped her eyes from his, looking slightly ashamed, “Mostly my own stubbornness.”

“Hey,” James tilted her chin up with his finger, “It’s all in the past. We’re together now, for good if that’s what you want. I know I do. So, whatever happened in the past, that’s the last thing you have to worry about anymore.”

The smile returned to her face at his words, and she lifted a hand to cup his cheek, “I know. And I do want that. More than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I love you so much, Jimmy.”

“I love you too, Zoe.”

He dipped down to touch his forehead to hers and a moment later was rewarded with a deep, passionate kiss.

“Hey, you two lovebirds. Why don’t you get a room? Oh, right, you’ve got one. My bad,” Jack tromped in to break up the moment, being exceedingly louder than she needed to, “You guys have had more than enough time to get freaky. I haven’t seen you all fucking day Z. Don’t tell me I’ve been replaced already.”

“You know I could never replace you, Jack,” Shepard chuckled, pushing herself up on her forearms as Miranda sauntered in behind the tattooed woman, “Hey Miri. Time for my afternoon session already?”

“Yes, Shepard,” Miranda grinned excitedly as she approached them, “But I have some good news as well. Your doctors and I have decided you’re well enough to leave, if you’d like. You’ll have to come back in for treatments for the next two days, at nine a.m., then again in the evenings at four. By then, we predict you’ll be walking fine on your own, and I’m sure you’d prefer that to staying here in a hospital bed all day.”

“You’re damn right I would,” Zoe perked up even more, “This is possibly the best day ever. I have some pretty amazing news of my own.”

“Oh yeah? Scoot over, Hoss, let me get in on this,” Jack popped James hard across the backside, and he chuckled amusedly, sitting up to give her room to join them, “Okay, Girl Scout, shoot.”

Shepard pushed herself to sit and shoved her legs over the side of the bed between James and Jack, before making her announcement, “They promoted me to Captain of the Normandy, so Jimmy can stay aboard as Commander but I’ll still have my ship.”

“That’s amazing news, Shepard!” Miranda beamed, “Congratulations.”

“Thanks, Miri. I owe you a lot. I wouldn’t have come this far out of it if it weren’t for you. And you too, Jack. I know you guys have had your differences, but I’m lucky to have both of you by my side.”

“Don’t forget Space Cowboy over here,” the tattooed biotic reached across Zoe to smack Vega on the bicep with the back of her hand, “I mean, he couldn’t do much this time around, but I’m sure there are _plenty_ of benefits to having him on your side, too.”

“Oh yeah, some pretty _large_ benefits. Those biceps aren’t the only weapon of mass destruction he’s packing, trust me,” Shepard ribbed, sending Jack doubling over in laughter and painting a bright blush across Miranda’s pale features.

“Dios, Lola,” James rubbed at his eyes with his finger tips but couldn’t help the abashed grin that pulled at his lips, “I mean, thanks for the compliment, but you’re as bad as Loca, you know that right?”

“Where do you think I learned it from?” Zoe nudged Jack with her elbow, and in return the normally bristly woman wrapped her arm around Shepard’s shoulders to pull her in close.

“I’m really glad you’re back to you, Z,” the younger girl’s tone was laced with pure sincerity, “You know I hate being fucking sentimental… but I really don’t know what I would have done if we’d lost you.”

“Wow, I didn’t realize you had a soft side,” Miranda quipped, only slightly sarcastically.

“Eat me, Cheerleader,” Jack sneered, but didn’t pull away from the embrace as Shepard wrapped her arms around her friend’s waist.

“What are you going to do now that you can’t get back to Grissom?” Zoe asked, resting her head on top of Jack’s, “How are the kids?”

“They’re fine. Most of ‘em made it out okay. Only a few injuries, and no casualties. I appreciate you putting them on the sidelines, out of the thick of it. As for what I’m going to do? I have no idea. With Grissom out of reach, and as much as they learned during the fight, they don’t have much use for me anymore. So I guess I’m on my own again.”

“Like hell you are,” Shepard sat up straight with a look of determination in her steely eyes, “Come with me, back to the Normandy. We’ll take you on as an operative.”

“I… I don’t know, Z,” Jack appeared doubtful, but the captain could tell she was considering it, “I mean, as much as I’d love to fight with you again, you’ve got a good crew. You don’t really need me anymore.”

Zoe gave an expression of complete disbelief, “You’re joking, right? Jack, you’re my best friend in the galaxy. I’ve always needed you. I never even would have talked to James if they hadn’t brought you in. The only reason I didn’t yank you back onto the Normandy by your ponytail last time is because you had responsibilities. You were doing good work, and I didn’t want to get in the way. But, I _want_ you with me, if you’re willing.”

“Well, shit… okay. It’s settled then,” Jack smirked, “What about the cheerleader over here?”

Zoe’s eyes lit up at the suggestion, “Of course! Miri, tell me you’ll come too?”

“I appreciate the offer, Shepard, but for now my place is here,” Miranda gave a small, regretful smile, “It’s nice to settle down for a while. I think I’m done running and having to watch my back for the time being.”

“I understand,” the captain nodded solemnly, “If you change your mind, we’re always more than happy to have you.”

“Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind,” the brunette turned to leave at that, “I’ll go collect the necessary things for you to be discharged, then I’ll be back to collect you before you leave for your evening treatment. And congratulations again, Captain.”

Jack hopped off the bed and started towards the door as well, “I guess I need to get out of here too. Get my shit together. Make sure I can find someone to take care of Eezo…”

“No way! Bring him along!” Zoe called after her, “Just… make sure you let the crew know first, so they don’t try to, um… put him down.”

The tattooed biotic whipped her head around, a broad smile stretched across her dark lips, “Seriously? You’re the best, Shep!”

With that, she trounced happily out of the room, leaving the commander and his captain alone once again. Shepard scooted into Vega’s side, resting her head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her waist. It was comfortably quiet for a long moment before Zoe finally broke the silence.

“So, have you been keeping my bed warm for me, Commander?”

James let out a soft sigh, “Not exactly. When we thought you were gone… I don’t know. It was too painful to go back in there. Then, when I got back from N training and found out you were alive… it still didn’t seem right without you, especially since you didn’t even remember me. I’ve been staying in one of the apartments we’re renovating, so I’m close to work.”

“You’ve got your own place?”

“Sort of. I mean, it ain’t much, but it’s a start.”

“Will you take me there when we get out of here?”

“I thought you’d want to go back to the ship?”

“I do, but,” Zoe hesitated, dropping her eyes to the floor before continuing, “I’m not ready to see everyone yet. No, actually… I’m… not ready to see Joker yet. I can’t face him right now. Not after what I did to him.”

James pulled her in closer, “What happened to EDI isn’t your fault, hermosa. Joker knows that.”

“And yet, he still hasn’t come to see me,” Shepard nuzzled her nose into the commander’s chest, hiding her face in shame, “I took away the most important thing in his life. I know it was unavoidable, but regardless, he has every right to be furious with me. He’s my brother. I know how he is, and if he was ready to forgive me, he would’ve come to visit me by now. I just… I need another day or two before I can handle seeing him.”

“I got you. It’ll all work itself out, Lola.”

“You know, for once, I kind of believe that it will…”

* * *

Miranda had managed to dig up a set of leg braces for Zoe, and as confounding and uncomfortable as they were, she much preferred them to the idea of having to use a cane, so she donned them without protest. Walking was still difficult, as well as exceedingly painful if she was at it for any prolonged period of time, but she was relieved to at least be getting around without much need for assistance. As bright as it had been inside the hospital, the dim evening sunlight outside still made her flinch and narrow her eyes at its harsh brilliance.

Somehow, the hospital had gone mostly unharmed, but all around the building Earth was still in shambles. A familiar shuttle sat in a landing zone just outside the exit, and Shepard had an overwhelming urge to dart towards it in excitement, but her legs wouldn’t let her do more than hobble at an infuriatingly slow pace. The door lifted as they neared and just inside the vehicle, Cortez stood, a huge smile spread across his face as he waved enthusiastically at them in greeting.

“Steve!” Zoe cried happily, struggling against the weight of the braces to pick up her pace, “Holy shit, it’s so good to see you!”

“Same here, ma’am,” the pilot held out a hand for her, and with Vega’s help, they lifted her up into the ship, “Sorry I didn’t come visit you in the hospital. They’ve been keeping me on my toes transporting our commander here from place to place. I’m afraid this whole promotion is going to Mr. Vega’s head. He seems to think I’m his own personal valet.”

Cortez let out a warm chuckle, as Zoe wrapped her arms around him in a firm embrace, “Thanks for taking care of him for me.”

“Oh, don’t just thank me. The whole gang had a hand in bringing this guy to his senses,” Steve pulled back from her, squaring their gazes together, “We’re all really glad to have you back. Hackett already sent word out about your promotion to the crew. Congratulations, Captain.”

“Thanks, Steve,” Shepard gave a small smile, “I’m glad to be back. I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it out this time.”

“Well, I know of at least one person who never gave up on you,” the pilot gave a purposeful nod towards James, “So, back to the Normandy guys?”

“Nah, take us to the apartments,” James said, as he helped Zoe down onto one of the bench seats, “And let the crew know I’m taking tomorrow off.”

“A day to yourself, huh? Good,” Cortez smirked, taking his place at the controls and starting the shuttle up, “Shepard, the commander here hasn’t stopped working since he came back from training. I think you’ll be pretty proud of him when you see what he’s done to help with the relief effort.”

“I don’t even have to see it, I’m already proud,” Zoe beamed at her lover as he sat down beside her and encircled her waist with his arm, looking appreciably humble, “Although, I am excited to see it, maybe even pitch in if I can ever get back in shape.”

“We’ll get you there, Lola,” Vega promised, squeezing her a little tighter.

The trio spent the rest of the flight over discussing what the crew had been up to since the war had ended. According to Steve, James was proving to be more than capable as the new boss. From the way the pilot talked, the commander wasn’t just helping with the efforts to rebuild, but also doing his part to console the citizens who’d suffered losses within their families. Zoe had never considered the idea of him being somewhat of a councilor, but then again, that was basically what he’d been to her over the past year, so it wasn’t entirely surprising.

When they pulled up to the apartments and stepped out of the shuttle, Shepard was amazed by what she saw. About a block away, almost an entire city full of people were bustling about, tending to each other and to the buildings in the surrounding area. A group of children were playing in the yard, kicking a ball around and giggling gleefully, until they saw the couple step into the light. The kids stopped dead in their tracks, then began to hop up and down with joy, waving enthusiastically at the commander and his companion.

“The commander’s back!” one of the boys yelled to catch the attention of the other children nearby.

“Commander Jimmy!” a little girl with bright orange hair and a face full of freckles sprinted towards James with wide, adoring eyes, “You said you wouldn’t be back ’til tomorrow!”

“Hey, Leeloo!” Vega knelt down and scooped the young girl into his arms, picking her up and spinning her around, “How’s your mom doing?”

“She’s still sad because of daddy, but she feels better now that she can help,” Leeloo dropped her head to the commander’s shoulder, nuzzling into his neck, “I’m glad you’re back. Will you come play with us?”

“Maybe tomorrow, kiddo. I’ve got some stuff to take care of tonight.”

“Who’s that?” the girl asked, turning her face just enough to peer shyly over at Zoe, “Is she your girlfriend?”

“Yeah, she is.”

James met Shepard’s gaze, and when their eyes locked, the captain’s heart instantly melted into a puddle. She’d seen so many different sides of her lover, but never imagined she’d be blessed with a chance to get a glimpse of him like this — so compassionate, so caring, almost fatherly in his mannerisms towards the little girl. With that thought, a grin tugged at the corners of her mouth, and she took a few cautious steps forward, offering her hand to Leeloo.

“Hi, I’m Zoe. It’s nice to meet you.”

The girl took her hand and gave it a gentle shake, “Hi. You’re really pretty, Zoe. You look just like Commander Shepard.”

Shepard’s smile widened considerably as she tossed James a conspiratorial look, “Wow, thank you. That’s quite a compliment. I love your freckles and your hair. You’re very pretty too, Leeloo.”

Leeloo grinned broadly, wiggling around and hopping out of Vega’s arms to approach the captain, “Thanks! My daddy loved my freckles too! He always said they reminded him of the stars.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking!” Zoe slid a hand under the child’s chin, tilting her face up and tracing across her cheek with a single finger, “In fact, I think I see Pegasus right over here.”

“You found it!” the little girl giggled happily, “Will you come and play with us tomorrow too?”

“I’ll come along with Jimmy, but I got hurt in the war, so I won’t be able to play much,” Shepard affected a cute pout that caused James to chuckle under his breath.

“Aw, I’m sorry,” Leeloo’s brow knit thoughtfully as she dropped her eyes to the leg braces, “That’s okay. I’ll sit with you while everyone else plays if you want.”

Zoe’s smile returned wholeheartedly at the offer, “That’s very nice of you, sweetheart. Maybe I’ll bring a book for us to read?”

“Oh, yeah!” the girl gasped excitedly, but before they could continue, a maternal voice called from the distance, “That’s my mommy. She probably wants me to come home for supper. It was nice to meet you, Zoe. Bye, Mr. Jimmy!”

James reached down to rustle her hair when she wrapped her arms around his legs, “See ya, kiddo.”

With that, she turned and bounded off, spinning around to wave at them one last time before disappearing into the crowd. When their eyes met again, a playful smirk was dancing across Shepard’s full lips.

The commander narrowed his gaze at her, “What?”

“Oh, nothing,” she singsonged innocently, as he took her hand and led her towards the apartment building, “Everyone around here really seems to like you. The little ones, especially.”

“Yeah, well, I helped take care of my younger cousins a lot when I was a teenager, so I guess I have a soft spot for kids,” James shrugged, “You were pretty good with Leeloo, yourself.”

“Does that surprise you?”

“A little. No offense, but I never really pegged you as the motherly type.”

“Motherly?” Shepard balked at the word, “I… wha— I mean, I guess you’re right. I never saw myself like that either.”

Vega stopped short right outside the entrance of the building, tapping in a code to open the door for them and urging her inside. This wasn’t exactly the conversation he imagined they’d be having the first day they were able to spend back together, but he supposed the subject would have come up eventually. So, he didn’t attempt to quell the next question as it passed out of his lips.

“Ever thought about having kids?”

Zoe paused in her tracks, whipping her head around to him, her eyes wide in shock, “I, uh… not— not really. Not that I don’t want them, but I never thought I’d get the chance to live that kind of life, so… No. Have you?”

The commander cleared his throat as he side-stepped her to lead the way down the hall, “Yeah, I’ve considered it, but I kinda thought the same thing as you. This is it.”

James punched in another code in the lock and they entered the small apartment, marking the end of that particular leg of the conversation. When Shepard stepped into the main room, her eyes lit up at the sight. A tiny loft was all it was, with one room on the lower floor — a couch, coffee table, terminal desk, and television in the main living area; an open kitchen at the back; a bathroom off to the side. The upper level was almost entirely visible from downstairs, decorated with nothing but a dresser, a weapons bench, James’ ratty old punching bag, and two mattresses stacked on top of each other on the floor. The place wasn’t grand or even fixed up completely; burn marks still scarred the walls, and the paint was peeling, but to Zoe it was just about perfect.

“Like I said, it’s not much. I’ve been putting off fixing it up because of all the other restoration that needs to be done elsewhere,” James explained, but Shepard stopped him.

“Jimmy, it’s amazing. I love it,” she smiled warmly, taking his hand and pulling him into her, “A promotion, N7 status, your own place… you’ve been doing pretty well without me, huh?”

The commander wrapped his arms around her waist and dropped a kiss to her cheek, “Not exactly. I was a wreck, to be honest, but I kept myself busy so I didn’t have to think about it. Besides, none of it would have happened if I’d never met you.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, mi amor,” she settled her head on his chest, instantly hypnotized by the rhythmic thrum of his heartbeat, but a moment later she seethed in a pained breath, “Shit, I think I need to sit down.”

“What’s wrong?” James gripped her forearms, steadying her and searching her face with concern, “Your legs?”

“Yeah. Help me to the couch?”

At the request, the commander swept her up in his arms, and toted her to the sofa, laying her lengthwise across it so she could stretch out comfortably. Shepard began tugging at the braces, struggling to release the clasps that held them on.

“Here, I got ‘em,” Vega sat by her feet and pulled the contraptions off carefully, placing them beside the couch before reaching to the coffee table to pass her a book that sat upon it, “I brought this over from the ship. Read a little of it, but I can’t get my head around all that old-timey talk.”

Zoe took the volume from him, breathing in a light gasp when she realized what it was, then closed her eyes briefly, pulling out another stolen memory from the depths of her mind, “Jane Eyre. You brought me this the night before the party, right?”

“Yeah,” James nodded, “You read me that passage from it, remember?”

“About the chord being snapt if we were ever to be separated,” Shepard smiled again, “It’s still true. I felt that pull when you first came to see me at the hospital. Jack was right — as soon as I saw you with my own eyes, and you were near me, I knew there was something there.”

Vega suddenly had an overwhelming urge to pinch himself. It still hadn’t quite set in that she was back, _really_ back, with him. He’d never been one hundred precent convinced she was gone, and yet, to have her there in the home that he’d made for himself, so comfortable in his presence, was more than he ever could have hoped for.

“I’m really glad you’re back, Zoe,” James’ voice cracked at the words, “But I should’ve gone looking for you. I should’ve told Hackett to shove the promotion up his ass. If I had, you wouldn’t have been sitting there for a week, I know that much.”

“Bullshit, Vega,” Shepard shook her head adamantly, “Maybe you would have found me sooner than the Alliance troops did, but we would have lost the Normandy in the mean time. You did the right thing.”

“If you say so,” he dropped his gaze to the ground regretfully, “Take it easy for a little while. I’ll go make us some dinner.”

“Jimmy… are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” James answered simply and stood, crossing over to the kitchen without another word.

Zoe decided it was better not to press the subject for now. They both had a lot of issues to process, and one of the things they had in common was the need to work it out internally before any conversation on the matter would be useful. Shepard knew this all too well, so she left him to his task and cracked her book open, burying her head in it, pushing back all other outside thoughts for the time being.

It wasn’t long before the entire apartment was engulfed in an array of delicious smells that wafted out of the kitchen. The captain was finding it hard to concentrate on the pages in her hands; her eyes kept drifting up to James, so lost in his work that he didn’t even notice her lingering gaze. She hadn’t gotten to watch the last few times he’d cooked for her, but seeing it now, the display was nothing short of artistic.

“You’re so domesticated, Jimmy. I had no idea,” Shepard teased as he plated up the food and brought it over to the couch.

“I might agree with you if I actually bothered to get a table for this place,” James chuckled, handing her a plate and lifting her legs carefully to rest them on his lap as he sat down, “Hope you like fajitas. Not much to work with these days in the realm of ingredients.”

“Jimmy, honestly, I think you could make caviar out of bread and cheese,” she quipped, tossing her book to the coffee table and digging in ravenously, mumbling her next request through a mouthful of food, “Hey, can we turn on the television? See if Hackett’s started spreading the word yet?”

Vega grabbed the remote and flipped the T.V. on, switching to the news channel and settling back into the cushion, glancing side-long at Zoe, and snickering internally as he watched her devour her meal. She must have been starving, he guessed, with nothing but watered-down hospital food in her stomach for the better part of two months. He was barely halfway through his own portion by the time she’d wolfed hers down, licking at her fingers for the last little taste.

Shepard was so much like Jack sometimes in her unladylike eccentricities. James couldn’t help but wonder how much of that was originally her, and how much she’d picked up from the woman she called her best friend. He made a mental note to hang out with Jack more often, get a little further onto her good side, just for Shepard’s sake.

It took a ridiculously long time for the news to finally switch over to current events, but when it did there was no mention of Zoe’s survival whatsoever. Hackett must have been biding his time, releasing the information in a slow trickle — smart, Shepard thought. Obviously, he was trying to avoid letting them know too far in advance, so they’d have little time to prepare for when she made her appearance.

“You think he changed his mind?” James asked, taking her empty plate in his and sitting them aside on the coffee table.

“Nah, he’s just going through different channels. Being sneaky with it.”

Zoe ran a hand through her hair, twisting her fingers through the ends and pulling them forward, fiddling with the strands and pursing her lips thoughtfully. The silence that spread between them was the first one that James ever would have described as awkward. After everything that had happened in the past few months, being alone in a calm atmosphere without any threat of immediate danger looming over them was something neither one of them was even close to being accustomed to. And it was painfully obvious that neither one of them knew quite where to go from there.

Shepard finally broke into the quiet, peering up at him with a wicked grin, “Got any cards around here?”

“Yeah, I stashed our old deck in the dresser upstairs.”

“How about a game, for old time’s sake?”

“Sounds like a plan,” James smirked, “Just don’t clean me out too bad. It’s been a while since I played, I might be a little rusty.”

“Oh, no, we’re not gonna play with credits this time,” Zoe’s eyes lit up mischievously, “We’re playing with clothes.”

“ _Strip_ poker?”

“Yup.”

“Now you’re speakin’ my language, hermosa. Let’s do this.”


	39. Second Chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first of all, I just want to say I'm sorry that my writing is not everything it should be lately. At least, I feel like it's not. I'm struggling with writers block something fierce, but I'm attempting to write through it as best I can. Though, when I do that I feel like everything that comes out is subpar and full of holes. Anyway, I'm trying. There's a little bit of sexy time at the beginning of the chapter. And the next chapter will finally be getting into more action and less relationship-y fluff stuff. Hope you're still enjoying the story and thank you for sticking with me thus far. Have a lovely day!

"…So I ripped the T.V. off the wall, the batarians started calling me a 'Shepard lover', fists started flying, they tossed me out, and the next thing I knew, I ran smack dab into Admiral Anderson. I'm pretty sure you can guess what happened from there."

"Why have you never told me about this before?"

"And have you thinkin' I was some kind of obsessed fanboy? You actually liked me, Lola. No way I was gonna mess that up with a story about my stupid drunk mistakes."

James lay lengthwise across the bed, stripped down to nothing but his shirt and boxers now, but Zoe on the other hand had managed to keep everything except for her boots and socks intact. She'd taken extra care to make sure she was winning this time around. There had only been two times so far, besides this occasion, that she'd seen him this exposed, and if her legs weren't still so stiff, the game probably would have been cut short quite a while ago.

"Your bet," she reminded him, as she reordered the cards in her hand.

"I'll see your shirt, and I'll raise you pants," James smirked — he had a terrible poker face, and Shepard was almost positive he had nothing.

"I'll call that. Show 'em, Vega."

The commander slapped his cards down on the middle of the bed, grinning from ear to ear when her jaw dropped.

" _Shit,_ " Zoe narrowed her eyes at him, dropping her own hand down to reveal a full house, "Four of a kind… good one, Jimmy."

"It's about damn time. Thought you'd have me down to skin on this one for sure."

"Well, if you want me to lose the pants, you're gonna have to help me," her fingers went to her the hem of her shirt, and she lifted it off, tossing it across the floor before shooting him a saucy, inquisitive look, "What are you waiting for, Commander?"

James swept the cards to the side and crawled over the mattress towards her as she worked at her belt buckle. All the memories Shepard had regained in the week he'd been gone, of the way he'd looked at her in that hungry way, the same way that he was now, all came rushing back to her again. It was amazing, thrilling the way he could communicate, simply with the alluring gleam in his eyes, how much he craved her. When he had shimmed the cargo pants off her legs and slinked back up towards her, she grabbed at his bicep to pull him closer.

Zoe slid down into the bed, as James pressed his lips to hers. The sensation of having his strong, wide frame hovering over her, their skin sliding together as their tongues danced in a synchronized swirl of motion, was so sweetly familiar that she nearly sobbed out loud at the emotion it evoked. James pulled back from her to trail a path of butterfly kisses along her jaw, as she slipped her hands underneath the back of his shirt, scraping her short nails along his tense back muscles. In one swift motion, he whipped the t-shirt off and threw it to the floor, returning his lips to her neck to nibble the soft skin at the curve of her shoulder. The dog tags she'd returned to him hung loosely from his neck, slithering across her chest as he moved, and she brought a hand up to fiddle with them, pulling them close to her face to read the letters over again.

"What does the 'A' stand for?" she asked in a quiet whisper.

"Huh?" James was so caught up in the utopian thrill of having her there, wanting her — her small frame caught up under his after so long of fearing she was lost to the past — that he barely even noticed she'd stopped touching him.

"James _'A.'_ Vega? What does the 'A' stand for?"

"Oh, that… Alexander, or Alejandro, if you ask my abuela," he answered, never breaking from his ministrations, "She hated English names. Never once called me James. Insisted on callin' me _Santiago_."

"Santiago Alejandro Vega," Zoe purred, as his lips grazed against her collar bone, "the second."

"The second?" James paused mid-kiss, his head popping up to peer at her with a bewildered expression.

A smirk tugged at Shepard's mouth and she flicked her eyes to the ceiling, giving a small, innocent shrug, "Maybe one day."

"Now you're just teasin' me, huh?" his tawny features dropped from confused to unamused.

"No!" she insisted, pinning him with a sincere gaze, "Jimmy, I know things haven't been entirely easy with us. But I… I can't even begin to imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but you."

"Zoe," he released her name with a shaky breath, his chest tightening with happiness at the confession, "You know I feel the same way, right?"

"I certainly hope so," she brought her hands to his face, stroking at his cheeks lightly with her thumbs, "So, how about that 'second first time'?"

"What about your legs?"

"They're a little achy but it'll be okay. I'll just let you do all the work this time," Shepard grinned coyly, dragging her fingers through his mohawk and pulling him in for another sensual kiss before bringing her lips to his ear and pleading in a low, gravely tone, "I want you, James."

"Lola," Vega groaned, snaking a hand slowly down her stomach, between her thighs, and playing his fingertips across the fabric of her underwear that hid the warm, soft mound at her center, "I don't know why the hell you like me so much, but damn if it doesn't make me a better man."

Zoe sucked in a soft gasp when he pressed harder and began rubbing languid circles around the sensitive spot. She twisted her arms around to unclasp her bra, yanking it off and tossing it to the floor. Instantly, the commander dropped his head to her chest, flicking his tongue against her nipple before taking it into his mouth and sucking at it hungrily. He grazed the nub gently with his teeth as he slid the crotch of her panties to the side, slipping a finger between her folds and dipping it into her damp entrance. The moan that shot fourth from Shepard's throat almost sounded pained, as James placed long, leisurely kisses onto the pillowy flesh of her breasts, across her sternum, making his way to the opposite nipple to tease it as he had the other.

" _Jimmy,_ " the captain groaned, dropping her hands to her sides and digging her fingers into the sheets that surrounded her.

The commander slinked down her body, peppering her skin with kisses as he traveled lower. He tugged the cottony purple panties down her legs, running his palms smoothy across her battle-scarred thighs as he inched back towards her. James scanned his eyes across her bare form, as breathless and dazed by the sight of it as he had been their first time together. Shepard's chest rose and fell with ragged, uneven breaths, her expression begging him not to hesitate a moment longer.

Vega shoved his boxers off and nudged her legs apart gently, sinking back over her to capture her lips once again with his own. It took a great deal of effort through the soreness in her lower limbs, but somehow Zoe managed to lift her hips enough to grind across his shaft, releasing a rich moan into his mouth with the motion. With one hand, James gripped her ass to relieve the pressure on her legs, and with the other he positioned himself at her slit, teasing at her lips with the tip for a moment before pressing carefully into her.

"Go slow," Shepard whispered, her eyes glued to his as he eased deeper, "I want this to last."

"Whatever you say, baby," he smoothed her hair back and pressed his lips to her brow, "We can make it last all night if you want."

The smile that spread across his lover's face lit her platinum eyes like two shimmering flames, "I wouldn't argue with that."

James pulled his hips back and slid forward again, his movements achingly gradual. Zoe's eyes fluttered closed as she brought her hands to his neck, grazing her nails across his tawny skin, and scrapping them across his shoulder blades. Her fingers played lightly across his chest as he rocked in and out of her with a slow, calculated flow, never breaking his own gaze from her scrunched features.

Even with the leisurely momentum, Shepard was quickly climbing to the peak of ecstasy. She sucked in her bottom lip, bearing down hard on it with her teeth and whimpering softly each time he retreated from her depths. The commander dropped his head to her shoulder, breathing in her familiar scent as she wrapped her arms around his back, clinging to him with unconstrained need.

"Damn, Zoe," James growled against her neck, his voice gravely and strained with lust, "You still okay?"

"Mhm," Zoe squeaked, dragging her nails roughly across his shoulder blades as another heady moan shot forth from her throat, " _James…_ I'm so close. A little faster."

He did as she asked, speeding up his thrusts just barely, to create the friction she desired, but still slow enough to relish in the mind-bending sensation. It was as if he could feel every inch of her, outwardly and inwardly, all the way to the back of her mind, to the very center of her soul. Shepard's nails dug downwards, on either side of his spine, as her hands trailed lower to his ass, gripping it aggressively to force him further in. Her body quavered under him, and she sang out a final chorus of gasping moans, the sound of them pushing the commander to the brink an instant later.

They clung to each other, riding out the crashing waves of intensity as a singular entity, and when the rush had subsided, they sank together into satisfied silence. After a moment, James pushed himself up to look at her. Zoe peered back with a small grin, but her eyes shimmered and her cheeks were damp with tears.

"Are you okay?" Vega asked, worry tinging his husky voice, "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Shepard shook her head slowly, the smile spreading broadly across her angular features, "No, not at all. I'm just… happy to be alive."

_Have I ever honestly been able to say that before in all my life?_

"Yeah, I'm pretty happy about that myself."

"I love you _so much_ , Jimmy."

"I love you too, Zoe."

James pressed his lips to hers one final time, before tumbling onto the mattress, tugging her onto her side to face him. He reached a hand up to tuck her hair behind her ear, caressing her cheek lightly with his thumb as he gazed at her, quietly dreaming of all the possibilities that the future held now that they were reunited. Zoe's eyes drifted closed, and he thought for a moment she'd been lulled to sleep by the gentle motion of his touch, but a minute later she opened them again and scooted closer to curl into his chest.

"Goodnight, mi amor," he whispered, placing a kiss to the top of her hair.

"Do we have to go to sleep already?"

"Not if you don't want to. But you've gotta be at the hospital in the morning, remember?"

"I've got an alarm to wake me up. I'd rather stay up and talk a while like we did in the days when we were chasing after Leviathan."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Anything. Everything. Things we forgot to learn about each other while we were busy trying to kill Reapers."

"Sounds like a plan, hermosa. So, what do you wanna talk about first?"

* * *

Shepard wasn't entirely sure how long they'd stayed up the night before, but when she awoke the next morning, even though she was alone in bed, she felt more rested and at peace than she could ever remember feeling. Even considering the inevitable confrontation with Aria that was looming in the not-too-distant future, it seemed inconsequential compared to the things the captain had faced in the past. There was no more reason to loath herself for taking time to breath and relax. It was a refreshing feeling, one she was more than a little unaccustomed to, but instead of her mind forcing it away she willed herself to embrace it.

Zoe rolled onto her back, stretching out her arms above her head and breathing a large yawn as footsteps plodded up the staircase on the far side of the room. Suddenly, she realized what had initially brought her out of her dreamless sleep. The aroma of coffee and breakfast food; the sound of dishes clinking together; James humming loudly and out of tune as he shuffled around the kitchen.

"Breakfast in bed?" she giggled as he approached with a plate full of hot, delicious looking food, "No ones ever brought me breakfast in bed before."

"Well, that's 'cause you've never been with someone as awesome as me," Vega smirked, easing down onto the edge of the mattress and handing her the plate, as he scanned his eyes along her exposed torso, "Mm. You know, I already ate, but I'm pretty sure I've got room for dessert."

Zoe snorted a laugh, rolling her eyes to the ceiling before glancing at the clock on the nightstand, "As much as I'd love to take you up on that proposition, I'm afraid if I did I'd miss my appointment. But maybe give me a rain check?"

"You got it, hermosa. I'm gonna go clean up the mess in the kitchen while you're eating," James leaned forward, scooped her chin up in his hand, and placed a long soft kiss to her lips, "Sorry I wasn't here when you woke up."

"But you were," she grinned, touching her forehead to his, "Waking up and knowing you're nearby is just as good as you being right next to me when I open my eyes. Well, almost. And I want it to always be like this from now on. I promise you, I'll never push you away again."

He pulled back from her and drug his thumb slowly across her cheek, narrowing his gaze purposefully, "We got a second chance, baby. Don't even bother thinking about all the stuff that happened before. We both know what we want now, and we know we can have it, and that's the end and the beginning."

Shepard's eyes sparkled mischievously as she replied, "So, exactly _do you_ want?"

James knew she must have had some kind of answer in mind, as did he, but the impish expression on her face made him hesitant, so he cleared his throat awkwardly. Even knowing her so well, she still had such a way about her that continually brought those old feelings swimming back into his stomach, as if he were nothing more than a flustered teenager. As well as he tried to retain his composure, his next words came out a stuttered jumble.

"I, uh… I don't… I mean, wh—what do _you_ want?"

The captain chuckled lightheartedly, her eyes sparkling in the dim light of the loft, "Forever, of course. Did you expect any other answer after all we talked about last night?"

"Well, no," he shrugged, a sheepish grin spreading across his flushed cheeks, "But I guess I still get a little hung up on the idea that someone like you would want to be with someone like me."

Shepard shook her head dismissively, "Give yourself a little credit, Jimmy. You've never been able to comprehend how amazing you are, have you? I mean, think about it for a minute. You're standing in the exact same place that I was just a few months ago. Do you really think they would have given you that opportunity if they didn't believe you were capable of everything I am?"

"I get that, I do. But that's not even the part that bothers me anymore," James sat back and rested his elbows on his knees, head hung low, an expression of sorrow darkening his countenance, "I didn't go after you. I should have joined the search party, but I let you down."

"I already told you—"

"Yeah, I know what you said, and I appreciate the fact that you don't hold it against me, but that doesn't make it any easier. I've been trying like hell not to beat myself up about it, but it's eating at me. I just… don't want to feel the same way about you that I did in the end about…"

Vega paused, immediately regretting the slip. He hadn't mentioned or even thought about Treeya since all those months ago when Liara had brought her up during the Mars mission and Zoe had asked about her later on. Choosing to save the asari over protecting the thousands of colonists on Fehl Prime had been one of the most shameful choices he'd ever made. There had been more to it than the intel — he'd honestly cared for her with everything he had and the thought of losing her so soon after he had developed those feelings had caused him to make a knee-jerk decision that had cost countless lives.

That sense of scathing regret had been what drove him away. Every face that flashed across his mind when he thought of Treeya, every scream and sob and shattering explosion roared through his memory banks as if it was happening all over again. As soon as all the red tape had been processed, he'd ran, fast and far away. The calls to check up on him came often, but were answered with lessening frequency until the day he'd told her they shouldn't talk anymore. And now he could feel it happening all over again, but this time, much closer to home.

When he saw Zoe — the woman he would, without pause, describe as the love of his life — he had to struggle past the visions of her lying prostrate in a pile of rubble, gasping for air and clinging to a thin, ragged shred of life. He'd seen her bloodied and bruised plenty of times, but he had always taken for granted the fact that she would inevitably pull through.

"About who?" Shepard asked cautiously, pulling him out of his stupor.

James dropped his head lower, sliding a shaking hand through his mohawk, "Treeya. She was with me on the Fehl Prime mission. Had the intel we needed to take down the Collectors."

"So, you saved her instead of the colony?" Zoe's features tightened in pity as he gave a solemn nod, "And you… loved her?"

"Nah, we hadn't known each other long enough for that," Vega sat up and shifted uncomfortably, "I, uh, guess you could say I had a crush on her. I knew we needed that information, but it wasn't important enough to let that many people die…"

"But you didn't want to watch her die, either."

"I convinced myself it was the right decision, but it was selfish," he scoffed, his lip turning up in disgust at himself, "There were people, kids on Fehl that were depending on me to keep them safe. When Hackett told me the people here would need me, that there were kids that had lost their parents that would need protection in case somehow the Reapers or whatever came back… I… I just…"

"You didn't want to make the same mistake that you did with Treeya. You were afraid if you went looking for me, instead of taking the job, something would happen to them."

"I guess," James shrugged, "But I shouldn't have felt that way. It's different with you. _I love you._ You needed me. I was in the N program for a month, and the people here weren't in any real danger."

"So, with Treeya, you couldn't forgive yourself for saving her instead of the colony, and with me, you can't forgive yourself for taking on the responsibility of protecting a town that needs you instead of trying to rescue me?"

"Something like that," he let out a heavy sigh, rubbing hard at his face, "I don't know what my problem is."

Zoe sat her plate aside and scooted towards him, sliding her hand up his hunched back and running calming circles along his shoulder blades, "Jimmy, have you ever considered that you might have PTSD?"

"Huh? Nah, it's nothing like that," Vega shook his head adamantly, "I don't have nightmares or anything."

"PTSD isn't all nightmares and flashbacks, Jimmy. Not being able to forgive yourself for things you've done, unrelenting guilt, sleeplessness, binging on an addiction — be it gambling, drinking, what have you — those are all huge factors," Shepard narrowed her eyes pointedly, "There's no shame in it, mi amor. I used to think there was, that it made me weak somehow, but I realized over the past year that it's just an occupational hazard, something the majority of people in our position have to live with. And it only makes life harder when you don't accept it for what it is."

"Yeah, I see your point," James nodded, "You should probably eat before it gets cold. I'll think about what you said though, really."

He stood finally, leaving her to her meal, as the sounds of pounding and whirring permeated the thin walls of the loft — a sure sign that the workers had begun their tasks of the day. Shepard finished up just in time to see James mount the stairs once more to bring her the braces for her legs. He bent to collect her discarded clothes from the night before, tossing them next to her as he moved her empty plate aside so that he could help her into her pants and boots.

With his help, the task was less frustrating and much more amusing than it might have been without him there and Zoe was suddenly acutely aware that it had always been as such in one way or another. Forever — she'd told him forever, and she was more sincere than she'd ever been about that word and everything it implied. A life without James by her side would be no life at all, that much she was positive about. As he helped her into her leg braces, an idea dawned on her — something bold and risky, something nerve wracking and exciting all at the same time.

She didn't have much time to brainstorm, however, for when she glanced at the clock, it screamed in bright red numbers that she was well on her way to being late. With a bit more help from James, they managed to get her into the shuttle just in time to assure she would make it to her appointment. Cortez was there waiting with a hand out, but at the last moment, Zoe whirled around to plant a hasty goodbye kiss on Vega's lips.

"Sorry, I was in such a hurry, I almost forgot," she grinned, chucklingly lightly at his dazed expression, "I love you. I'll be back in about an hour. Don't have too much fun without me."

"Not possible," James smiled, hefting her up into the shuttle, "I love you too. Good luck."

"I don't need luck, I've got you," Zoe winked, sprinkling her fingers in a flirty wave as the door descended between them.

Vega stood and watched as the shuttle zoomed hastily out of sight. Forever — she'd told him forever, and that single word spilling forth from her lips had been all he'd needed to solidify the vision of the future he'd had with her for so many months. The idea of taking the next hour to work had briefly crossed his mind that morning, but now he had more important business to attend to. He had a phone call to make, to someone he hadn't seen in entirely too long.

* * *

"What the fuck do you mean 'Shepard's alive'? Who's your source?"

Aria shot up from the desk and stomped towards Danela, teeth gritted and fire in her eyes that twisted her features into those of a hungry, enraged varren. Her assistant, an asari scientist moonlighting as commando, was at times infuriatingly less fearful of her than any of her other agents had ever been. Danela didn't even flinch when Aria jabbed a single sharp finger into her chest.

_I'm going to end up having to put this bitch in her place to set an example._

"Whoever it is, it better be good, or else," Aria sneered, backing off and cocking an eyebrow impatiently, "Spill it."

"The information came in a transmission this evening directly from the Shadow Broker," Danela began, still unflinching in the wake of Aria's wrathful threats, "According to the message, she'll be making her appearance here sometime in the next few days. News reports about her survival will be making the rounds on the vids by this evening. That gives us little time to prepare for whatever reactions come from the citizens."

"Shit," Aria spat, spinning on her toes towards the screen on the far wall, "It's already getting late. Bring up the news. Let's see if they've started yet."

Danela did as she was told, silently watching over the other woman's shoulder as the reports rang loudly through the office space. Just as the reports had indicated, the news of Shepard's survival was rapidly spreading across all channels. A clip of the former commander entering a hospital flashed across the screen, time stamped from only a few hours earlier.

"You should address the citizens as soon as possible," Danela said calmly, "No doubt they're watching along themselves. They'll be at the door any minute wanting answers — wanting to know why you weren't aware of this."

"You think I don't know that?" Aria growled, "Post guards by the door. Go with them. Do what you can to hold them off. Give me some time to think about this."

"Yes, ma'am."

Danela motioned for the guards to follow her out into the hall as Aria returned to her seat behind the desk that had once belonged to Councilor Udina. She drummed her fingers impatiently on the smooth surface, pursing her lips and narrowing her eyes thoughtfully. This could be bad, but it could also be very, very good. Shepard was a something of a goody-two-shoes when they'd first met all that time ago back on Omega, but Aria had seen how hardened she'd grown over the years.

After everything the Council had put Zoe through, the asari was positive she could convince the former commander that stealing the power out from under them while they were weak was for the best. Aria was a capable leader, she'd proven as much on Omega. And she knew Shepard trusted her, at least to some extent. The hardest part of the whole thing, Aria knew, would be keeping Shepard's friends from getting in the way.

_They can be dealt with if need be._

Aria brought up her omni-tool and connected to Danela, "Find Shepard. Send her a message. Tell her to meet me here, in my office tomorrow evening. Warn her about the citizens. We've still got rebels in our midsts. Let her know there are groups that will be out for her head. Not to mention the zealots. Tell her we'll have guards meet her at the docks for protection."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And Danela," Aria added, "Tell her not to bring that meathead boyfriend of hers. He gives me a headache."


End file.
